Phase one:
Swollen bladder
Burning urethra
Twitches of the eyes and/or extremities
Phase two:
Swollen(er) bladder
Irritability
Suicidal thoughts
Leakage
Cold Warm sweats
Phase three:
Confidential
Yeah, sounds like it sucks doesn't it?
Well it does.
A. Lot.
Did I expect to hit phase two as I was strutting- *ahem* trotting out of Rarity’s. And yes, horse euphemisms are going to be a recurring theme as this plague... plagues me?
That sounded dumber than I had hoped.
*Ahem* As I was saying: Was I expecting to double over in pain, making a stupid, stupid attempt to hold in the floodgates as I exited Rarity’s abode?
Not really, no.
It was quite an unfortunate set of circumstances. Maybe even comically so, but I was on the brunt end of this, so... not fun.
Now, before I move on: If I may ask, have you ever been racked, i.e hit in the family jewels with a sledgehammer? Well, don't take this as bragging as 'I don't even lift bro', but nevertheless, I’m fairly sure that my hoof coming towards my crotch at high velocity would pretty well classify as, at the very least, a small sledge.
Regardless of its classification, instinct sucks. I mean seriously, what help does ‘holding’ it do? It’s like trying to stop a waterfall with a waffle. Which makes no sense whatsoever, but that’s the point! What. Good. Does. It. Do?
If I didn’t make it clear enough, I’m sure you can all figure out what happened. I stepped outside, found a meadow full of roses daisies, and jumped in with a silly smile on my tear-soaked face.
If you believed that, you’re an idiot. If you think I’m an idiot, then you’ve officially earned my respect.
“Thanks Rarit-EEEE!”
*Fwoomp*
“GAH!!!”
The mere fact that my hoof managed to make a noise while traveling through the air should say something about how painful this experience was. I doubled over onto the ground, and yet again shot my hooves to my crotch in an even stupider attempt to somehow dull the pain. I mean seriously! What in the hell is with us humans and putting our hands places where they don’t belong? Do we think that they’ll perform some sort of miracle?
As you can imagine, the word ‘mommy’ escaped my mouth in a far higher tone than usual as I curled up into the fetal position. Apparently, neither Standex nor ‘Stan’ can absorb impact very well.
“Stan are you quite alright?”
Rarity’s voice called from up the stairs in her boutique. Luckily she hadn’t witnessed the ordeal.
‘Like a crushed cucumber on the sidewalk...’
“Just peachy-”
I squeaked.
“Are you sure?”
“Do I sound unsure?”
‘Yes.’
“Well, I guess not... Just make sure to return some time tomorrow pick up your pants.”
I nodded, my mind not putting two and two together that she wouldn’t see it.
“Stan?”
“Yes,” I hissed out, “I heard you.”
A door slamming from upstairs signalled that Rarity had finally left me alone.
By now, I’m sure that you’re wondering why I didn’t just use Rarity’s restroom. I wish that I had a good excuse for this, but frankly there were just couple of things about her bathroom that I didn’t like. Firstly, her bathroom was in her room, which in my eyes is a big no-no. Secondly, it had saloon doors; you know, those doors found on a bar in one of those old western flicks? Yeah, didn’t like that exposure. Lastly, I told her that I’d ‘hazard the steps’ and I’m a man of my word. Which basically means that I didn’t want to put up with her grilling, but regardless, I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
I was regretting my decision right about then, but by that time it was quite obviously too late.
Now, a man lying on the ground in the fetal position in skin-tight shorts with tears in his eyes would be an odd sight on earth; that's not to mention the addition of hooves and subtraction of hands and feet. A man in the same position in the front of a carousel shaped building in Pony-land... well, it attracts some gazes.
(Un)Fortunately for me, not all of them were inhospitable.
“Hey Stanny! *gasp* Are you trying to be a roly poly bug?!? I love role playing! Ooo! Ooo! Can I be a bird then?”
Before I was even able to react to the insanity that is Pinkie Pie’s presence, I was suddenly burdened with a familiar weight as she stood on top of me, her breath pouring over my ear as I tried to make myself smaller. It may have been pathetic, but it was a small moment of vulnerability, don’t judge.
“CAW!”
Her maw enclosed around my ear as she started chewing on my lobe.
“What the-! PINKIE!”
Yeah, that pretty much brought me back to the land of the living. I quickly shot up into a wobbly standing position, knocking her off me and onto the ground.
“Oh! Are you a bear now? Ooo! Pretend I’m a jar of honey!”
I will NOT describe the position that she put herself in after I stood up. Screw flow, screw imagery; it was not, I repeat, not good.
I clonked myself pretty good in the head as I shot up a hoof to cover my eyes.
“Jesus Pinkie! Stop!”
“...”
“Pinkie?”
I brought the hoof off my eyes for a moment, but quickly shot it back.
‘The girl knows how to role-play, I’ll give her that.’
“Okay, can you be, I don’t know, Pinkie Pie now? I’ll be Stan, you’ll be Pinkie and we’ll have a pointless conversation about nothing! It’ll be great!”
Just learn to speak her language and you’ll make leaps and bounds with this girl.
…
Depending on how you read that statement of course.
“Oh! Okay!”
“Are you decent?”
I asked from behind my safety-hoof.
“I’m decent!”
She said brightly.
I’m fairly sure that she had no idea what I meant, but I was also fairly sure that she wasn’t... being a honey jar anymore either. I removed the hoof from my vision and let out a sigh of relief.
“So what brings you here Pinks?”
“I was just wondering what you’re doing today!”
“Uh... no idea? Did you want to hang out or somethi-”
“Nope, I’m reeaally busy.”
She interjected.
“So you came here, real busy and all, and just wanted to know what I’m doing, you don’t want to do it with me?”
“Mmhmm.”
‘...That’s totally not suspicious.’
“Oh Stanny! I love your new pants!”
Which brought my attention back to the fact that I was near ‘on display’ for Ponyville’s denizens. And of course, Pinkie being Pinkie, had to come up and touch my new piece of clothing; right on the-
“JESUS!”
I shot backwards and fell into Rarity’s bush.
“Call me Pinkie Pie!” She put a hoof to her chin. “I don’t know any Jesus- Jesuses...Jesi!”
I gathered myself into the bush and popped my upper half out. At the very least, I could hide my more ‘exposed’ bits. I don’t know if it was ‘phase two’ or Pinkie, but I was dying in some creative ways about then. It’s amazing what a man can come up with.
“Thank you Pinkie,” I said through clenched teeth. “as for what I’m doing; well swimming sounds pretty nice.”
Which was just about the only thing I could do without all eyes on me, depending on where I did it of course; swimming in their fountain would catch some attention, and lawsuits, I’m sure.
“Sounds great! I’ll see you later Stanny!”
And then she was gone, a small puff of dirt serving as the only indication that she had been with me in the first place.
“What the- Why the-” I let out a sigh, “Pinkie...”
Pinkie grinned widely as she galloped over to Sugarcube corner. She felt like a private-eye, her ingenious interrogation was completely successful; Stan was going to be swimming today!
She suddenly froze mid-stride and skidded to a halt.
But where.
The thought worried her for a brief moment, but there weren’t that many ponds and lakes around Ponyville, plus she had seen Stan at the one near Fluttershy’s often enough.
The grin returned as she picked the pace back up, arriving at the bakery in near no time at all.
Ignoring the greetings of her employers, she shot into the kitchen and immediately got to work, murmuring the tune of a familiar song as she gathered the ingredients.
“D-d-d cup of flour,” She grabbed a cup, dutifully filling it with flour before putting into the bowl before her. “add it to the mix... Something sweet not sour.”
She trotted over to the pantry and grabbed the bag of sugar in her teeth.
“A-bith-uvv-sult-thust-a-pinth.” She poured in a heaping amount of sugar and dashed a bit of salt from her shaker over the mix. “Such a cinch...Teaspoon of vanilla.”
Not bothering to measure it, she grabbed a bottle off the counter and poured a small portion of vanilla extract into her concoction.
“Now eggs, butter, milk...”
She trotted to the refrigerator and opened it up, quickly grabbing and tossing the aforementioned ingredients onto the countertop with such a juggling dexterity that it would make a clown proud. After adding the ingredients; spoon in hoof, she began to mix the blend into a fine batter.
“One final ingredient...”
Reaching into her mane, she procured a clear flask filled to its brim with a glowing purple fluid. With a smirk on her muzzle, she pulled off the stopper and poured its contents into the batter, an eerie, purple light dancing about her features.
She quickly grabbed her spoon again and set about mixing the concoction into the dough. The consistency was parallel to that of real batter for a moment, but to her surprise, as she continued to mix the dough, it began to yield all too easily to her mixing utensil, almost like stirring water. Furrowing her brow, she pulled the spoon out of the batter.
Perhaps spoon is the wrong word to use here.
*Ahem*
Her eyes went wide as she pulled her now burnt ‘handle’ from the glowing purple batter, the scoop now entirely missing. With a dropped jaw, she looked down into the bowl at the half-mixed concoction. She briefly considered tossing it out; the wooden scoop would make for poor flavor she was sure, but then again, she was fairly certain beavers ate wood...
“All the healthier!”
With a grin, she pulled a pan with a dozen cupped-out slots from beneath the cupboard.
“Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty!~”
“CANNONBAA- SHIIIIIIIIIIII-”
Note to self and anyone else reading this: Don’t run on wet ground, especially when you're only working with two hooves. Lifeguards put up those ‘no running’ signs for a reason folks, and that’s to make sure that idiots don’t idiot.
Perhaps this is better advice: Don’t be stupid, stupid hurts.
It’s lucky that I was on soft grass; soft, slick freaking grass, but grass nevertheless. And at least I can walk away from the experience with as much loss as gain; my IQ may have dropped, but now I know not to run on wet ground!
That’s called thinking on the bright side, try it sometime.
Anywho, getting a nice little running start, I charged towards the lake with pirate-like intent. To me, the lake was a Spanish Galleon near begging to be plundered; to be sunk to the darkest depths of the... lake. Lakeception if you will. I on the other hand, I was the instrument of its demise; the cannonball.
Things started off surprisingly well considering it was my first time running on these little, piece-of-crap hoof thingies; I may have even made it a good seven feet forward.
Which would have been nicer if I hadn’t started twenty feet back, tracking water all the while.
With a curse befitting a sailor; not so much a cannonball, but whatever, I fell with the utmost grace upon my sweet head.
And damn did I get some air.
Like seriously, rising three feet into the sky from just slipping? It was hard to be mad about something so awesome! Which is probably a good indicator that I need to stop talking to Rainbow Dash...
“MOTHER OF-”
*THUNK*
“F-fff-Flipflops~?”
Temporary brain damage does the darndest things to a person. Making them say flipflops melodically may or may not be one of the ‘darned’ things.
'Oh God, I better not have broken-'
A snapping noise sounded as I was getting up, freezing both my thoughts and my heart. For the umpteenth time that day, I nearly wet my drawers. Trying to be smart about it, I let myself fall back to the ground, which may or may not have been a great idea.
The second snap said no, but the lack of extremity-related pain said yes. In fact, the only pain I felt, besides the likely concussion that is, was a stabbing feeling in my back; almost as if a stick-
'...You're kidding.'
I propped myself into sitting position on one hoof and reached underneath me towards the pain's point of origin. Of course I had grabbing in mind, but as it turns out, that 'magically magnetic power' in these hooves of mine was really on and off. Sometimes I could open doors, other times I could scarcely hold a feather. Naturally it was off this time around
And of course it was then that the hoof propping me up decided to slide out from under me. I swear; sometimes I just wonder if my life is some sort of sick comedy that people sitting in computer chairs read while sipping an icy cold cola.
Of course that's total poppycock, but I still entertain the thought.
Now the snap that I heard there... Well, it was all too ironic and all too real.
"MOTHER FFFF...” I bit back the curse and sat up, the searing pain in my arm making me none too happy. “Why? FREAKING WHY?!?”
I'm going to mix things up a bit here. Instead of being a Debby Downer and giving you the good news followed by the bad news, I'll alternate between them! Now isn't that just a grand idea?
Good news: it was only the fifth broken limb I've ever gotten!
That's not really good news, but I'm trying to think on the brighter side of things so bear with me here.
Anywho, the not so gooder news was that it was my second one since arriving in Ponyville! I'd tell you how the first one happened, but frankly it's kind of a pathetic story involving a kite and a stick of butter. I'm sure you already think little of me, so why make it worse, am I right?
You know, thinking about it a bit, this is actually better news considering that I had a magical little friend who... Actually kinda sucks at mending bones, but on the fourth try or so she usually gets it right. Actually, let's save that for the next 'good news' portion.
*ahem*
Good news: I have a magical little friend that can fix my little bone problem! And you're a pervert! I know you how you read that.
Anyways, if you're ever around Ponyville with a shattered femur, call up contact Twilight Sparkle. You may end up with a backwards leg for a little while which she’ll blame on some BS about different bone structures; that’s an interesting story for a later date, but like I said, she gets it right eventually.
Wincing all the while, I made a meager attempt at standing up; frankly, I didn’t really realize just how important those forehooves were for getting me on my... hindhooves? Whatever, they're now hoofeet as far I'm concerned.
Getting back onto my hoofeet was a bit of a struggle, I didn't fall on my loosey-goosey, broken arm luckily, but it still wasn't very easy. The grimace on my face wasn't stemming purely from the pain you know.
I hissed in pain at the shifting of the limb and started to carefully walk in the direction of Ponyville. I wasn't near Fluttershy's I'll have you know, I was next to a small lake on the edge of the Neverpee? Yeah, Neverpee forest. As you can imagine, I didn't want her to get... excited from my new attire.
I made it a few pained steps before... Well...
Cue phase three.
"OH GOD! OH GOD!"
At this point in the three stage system of the expelling of urine, you have approximately two minutes before your body decides 'screw it' and goes all on its own. That was something I did not want to happen.
The only reason I hadn't gone yet in my seclusion was difficulties removing myself from these... 'Standex' shorts. With one usable limb for their removal, I was all but screwed.
Of course that didn't stop me from 'galloping' strangely steadily into the Neverpee forest, my broken arm seemingly numbed from the immense pain coming from elsewhere.
Breaking through the treeline, I shot forward between the closely bunched trees with no real destination in mind. I just needed complete isolation, even moreso than that little lake. Unfortunately, I had in fact seen ponies near it before.
As I shot through the forest, the thickening foliage began allowing less and less sunlight onto the forest floor, I spotted a tall bush to the side of me and quickly scrambled behind it.
This is the part where I should be saying 'I dropped my drawers and *erm* relieved myself', with that being the exact phrasing I'd use.
However, with two working hooves, I couldn't take off these stupid pants.
With one...
"...Well frick."
In a nearby tree, a totally conspicuous pink pony watched a certain hooved human backtrack several steps with a determined expression on his face.
Frankly, she was bored.
It wasn’t as if watching who she thought to be her future husband was terribly unexciting, there were a couple of moments when he breached the water that had her a bit excited, but she was on a mission. She couldn’t just waltz up to the man with a glowing purple cupcake expecting everything to be all hunky dory, she had to be a bit more creative than that. She didn’t want him to think she was some sort of stalker or anything.
That and she thought that being mysterious would be infinitely more fun.
At that point in time however, she hadn’t really thought about how long she’d have to be waiting there.
“MOTHER OF- f-fff-Flipflops~?”
Pinkie, who had been falling into borderline ‘siesta’ mode, jumped in surprise at the sudden noise and brought her gaze down to where the man was now lying dazedly on the ground. It took a very un-Pinkie-like amount of self-control to not jump down and see if he was alright, but she was determined to get this 'cupcake planting' just right.
To her relief, Stan sat up with little un-hoof-related difficulty.
Letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding, she relaxed on the branch and shut her eyes.
"MOTHER FFFF... Why? FREAKING WHY?!?”
Almost halfheartedly, Pinkie's eyes shot open as she again stared down at the man.
Stan was cradling one of his hooves with a fierce grimace on his face. This time around, he seemed to be in real pain.
Biting her lip, Pinkie wrapped her hooves around the branch she was on and remained still. If this wasn’t a test of her willpower, she didn’t know what was.
Unblinkingly, she watched Stan get up and began to walk hoof-draggingly in the opposite direction of the lake, towards Ponyville. This had her a bit worried with the thought that all this waiting was for naught, but soon the man froze, a completely different; completely desperate expression taking over his face.
“OH GOD! OH GOD!”
In a flash, the man disappeared into the forest and Pinkie hopped from her perch sprung into action. She didn’t know why he had disappeared, but nopony goes into the forest with the intention of staying in there; she was sure he’d be back.
Or at least she hoped he would...
She quickly pulled a small, brown, paper bag from her mane, set it in a dry spot near the lake’s edge and began to trot away.
Or rather tried.
Part of her wanted to get in and out before being seen, but another part of her was exceedingly worried about Stan.
Why was he cradling his arm? Why did he run off like that? Was he suffering from a head injury?
Casting a sidelong glance at the bag, the treeline and finally Ponyville in the horizon in front of her; she let out a snort and shot after Stan into the forest.
So...Heh, how’s life?
Oh mine? Well, I can complain, let’s just say that much. Wetting your pants kinda ruins your day after all.
I’m sure an explanation is in order, despite you pretty much having the entire ‘dizzle’ figured out by now.
Hooves-Ability+Clothing÷One=Dissatisfaction=Unhappiness=Freaking worst day ever.
That’s right, I’m completely and totally unashamed to admit that my brand new Standex pants are now in fact soaked with golden dreams. Okay, I might be a bit ashamed by that... and my use of ‘golden dreams’, but who’s here to make fun of me?
I was handicapped for Pete’s sake. One working hoof, one useless one dangling at my side sending agonizing pain to my brain. Not exactly the ideal set-up I’ll have you know.
Now, to bring back a little ‘Stanny-Flair’, have a small psychological insight related to my plight and failed solutions, as per the norm.
*ahem*
Desperation.
It’s amazing what this small feeling will do to a person. I mean, sure, it comes hand in hand with other feelings such as pain, stress, guilt, etcetera; but seriously, the things a person may try to do in order to rid themselves of this feeling is really quite amazing.
To put this in perspective: My sides and waist are bruised and scratched, my back feels like it was folded like a gum-wrapper, the pants are now effectively ruined and not only because of the urine, and finally, my arse was chafing like none other.
Now, to put this perspective into perspective via narration.
In the small clearing behind the bush, realizing my hoof-related predicament, I began to panic. With my good hoof, I pathetically and painfully tried to slide the pants off my legs in all too forceful of a fashion.
Hooves, unfortunately, aren’t exactly ‘smooth’ nor are they ‘soft’. The only fruits of my labor were some severely bruised sides and some slight skin loss. For the sake of painting a picture, let’s call these ‘fruits’ papayas, since those things are just freaking gross.
Though this wasn’t the only reason my sides were in such poor condition. Noooo, I just had to try something else.
Finding the lowest hanging branch within the vicinity, I quickly scrambled towards it and began to try ‘snagging’ it to my pants to pull them off. It was a somewhat admirable effort, the closest I had gotten to getting rid of these pants honestly, but beyond some holes, scratches on my legs and waist, and getting something near being inserted into somewhere it did not belong, little actual progress was made.
This leads me to last two attempts, both of which had required me to fall onto my rump.
Now, I’m not a contortionist by any means, I can barely even touch my toes. As you can imagine, trying to pull my pants off with my mouth got me next to nowhere. I tried, I tried really hard to bend my back to get there; almost broke it in the process I’m sure, but I still didn’t even get close to that dreadful waistband.
So there I was left on the ground, scooting myself backwards in an even more meager attempt to remove the pants via friction as pained tears began to enter my eyes. Okay, that’s a bit overly dramatic. I wasn’t crying, but I might as well have been, given my pathetic expression: Dull lifeless eyes with a gaping mouth? Totally worthy of a Calvin Klein magazine I’m sure, God knows I was dressed for it.
Isn't life just grand?
"Uh! Uh! Ahhhhh..."
That vocalization was unwanted and unnecessary. I'd like to offer an apology if I may.
Good news is that I pretty much came back to planet... whatever this is. Apparently Equestria is just a country.
Oh! Right, off track.
Good news is that I pretty much came back to planet pony after that little episode, specifically at the climax.
"Oh damnit."
Gingerly, I put my good hoof to the pants to see just how bad it was. Gross, yes. Ineffectual, that too. But let's be honest here, you all would have done it.
Needless to say, it did next to nothing.
Allowing a quick little eye roll directed towards myself, I slowly began to get back up, sending a quick little whiff of-
"Wooo!" I stood up and waved a.. urine-covered hoof in front of my nose to diffuse the scent... Like a moron. "Well crap."
'Now what?'
It was clear that to preserve my dignity, I couldn't exactly waltz back into Ponyville coated in... Bleh. Plus my arm was still pretty borked. Okay, very borked. But seriously, I'm pretty sure that Twilight already thought pretty little of me, I wasn't about to tell her that I wet my pants.
Regardless, I began to backtrack to the lake, cradling my arm all the while. The thing had been whipping around limply pretty much the entire time I was sprinting into the forest, doing something like that'll come back to bite you in the arse. Every step sent a small burst of pain shooting up the limb.
On my way out, however, I swear to God that I heard a rustle of leaves. And then a gasp. And then a gagging noise.
Usually, I'd pass it off as hearing things, but come on; all three of them in quick succession? Blasphemy I say.
I froze as a blush came over my face.
"A-anyone there?"
The forest was dead quiet once more. I allowed myself a few moments to look around before starting my stumbling walk back up, at a much faster pace of course.
I was more embarrassed than afraid for my life. I mean sure, there were some crazy creatures here; Fluttershy’s scorpio-cat-o pal nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw him, but to be eaten while coated in urine? That would just be terrible for the both of us. Plus all that would be left would be a pair of pee-soaked pants. That's almost like dying a second time just from the embarrassment.
Wincing with every jostling step, the sun began to show through the foliage and I soon found myself back at the lake. A small smile found its way onto my face as I stepped to the lake's edge... And waded into the water.
Okay stop judging me, I had to get clean somehow!
If that meant being that one party pooper that lets loose in the pool, then just deal with it; I didn't exactly have another choice now did I? Besides, I was suffering too. Think about my arm here people, that thing freaking hurt.
Anyways, I waded into the lake with naught but a wince and a misplaced, embarrassed blush. It was a test of my conscience honestly. I hadn’t actually seen anyone swim here other than me, but that’s not to say that they don’t; I had seen ponies around it at the very least.
Though I felt a little less guilty about that when compared to-
‘Poor fish...’
I looked down into the clear water, now up to my neck, as the fish dispersed away from me. Whether this be from my presence or ‘presence’ was still to be determined.
Weird how I actually felt worse about the fish as compared to the possibly innocent foal jumping into the lake, but maybe Fluttershy is rubbing off on me.
...
Rephrase: Maybe Fluttershy is subliminally teaching me animal empathy.
That or angst towards certain ponies was holding me back.
Take your pick.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t exactly swim around without crying out in pain, so I was pretty well stuck just soaking there. Not the best way to clean one’s self, but you know how it is.
Actually you probably don’t...
Screw you, ya lucky bastard.
Allowing myself several minutes to... ferment and enjoy a lovely mixture of pleasure from the sunshine and pain from my arm, I soon started making my way back to shore. Where...something was waiting for me, oddly enough.
On the side of the shore, just out of reach from the small puddle I had made, was a small brown bag, like the kind you’d bring to an elementary school. I stepped before it, drip-drying, and brought my gaze up to look around the lakeside.
“Hello?”
An echo and a slight ruffling of leaves from the wind met my ears, but otherwise there was no reply.
I furrowed my brows, but still reached down to try and pick up the bag. Fact of the matter is that I never really learn... but at the very least, I could stay on my hooves pretty well; grabbing the bag on the other hand hoof...
"Come on, come on, come on-"
I prodded the bag with my hoof, the hope that it would stick like glue in the forefront of my mind, but as you can imagine, I had no such luck. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I pushed the bag against my hoofoot and started to shimmy it up my leg until I could balance the bottom on top of my hooved arm.
I carefully brought it to my face, but... well, I couldn’t open the freaking thing. And so I did the next best thing, I buried my face into the opening to see what was inside. The sudden flash of purple hurt my eyes, but when my vision cleared, I found myself staring at a luminescent purple cupcake.
Why was it glowing you may ask? Screw everything I used to know on Earth, that’s why.
Ordinarily, I would’ve tossed the radioactive plague miles away from me, but the smell... oh God the smell...
I could recognize a Pinkie Pie cupcake any day of the week, and not by sight, but the scent... it was smushed, yes, it was glowing, yes, but you’ve never had a Pinkie-cake before. For a week there, I may have had a small love affair with the things. Okay, maybe not so small.
Fine, maybe so much so that Fluttershy cut me off from them entirely. No no, she didn’t overpower me or anything, but Twilight sure as hell did. I must’ve gained five pounds that week...
It was absolutely fantastic.
Upon this revelation, I swiftly removed my head from the opening and started ripping open the bag to gain access to the culinary delight, a grin adorning my features all the while. Not with my hands, oh no, I didn’t have any; but with my teeth and jaw. Like a ravenous canine, I came down upon that bag with a terrible vengeance, and soon my mouth was filled with a papery taste, the ground was littered in paper flakes, and there was a fantastic looki- *ahem* smelling cupcake resting on my hoof.
I can’t honestly say what happened next.
I blanked out for a moment there; when I came to, the cupcake was gone and I was stricken with sadness.
“Gosh dang it! Every time...”
Yeah, the cupcakes may be fantastic, but I was able to enjoy very few of them unfortunately. I don’t know what sort of eating instinct lies within me, but I don’t have to like it.
And in this entire span of time, I didn’t once think of my arm; I didn’t once think of the weirdness of the random cupcake; I didn’t once take a good look around me.
Pinkie waited in the bushes in the treeline, watching Stan wade happily into the lake. She was slightly disgusted by what she had found... and smelled in the forest, but honestly, she could look past that little 'incident' for her soulmate. After all, she had met stallions who had wet themselves, it wasn’t entirely rare.
Then again, she was volunteering at the local nursing home whenever those occurrences... occurred...
Regardless, she had high hopes that it was a one-time deal.
Her train of thought was knocked out of whack as she heard a splash and saw Stan rising out of the lake. Her heart began to race as he stepped out of the lake and inspected the bag at its edge. She grinned when he grinned
Honestly, the mare was probably near death by the time the man had unveiled the cupcake, having her heart go at that rate for so long couldn’t be good for her.
With a smirk, she watched him messily devour the cupcake; letting out a near silent “Yes!” as he finished.
She had no idea how long it would take for the potion to take effect, but as the human walked away with one hoof scratching his back, she hadn’t been happier in a long time.
“Twilight! Twilight, are you there?”
“Stan?”
The sound of padding getting closer to the door met my ears, thoroughly confusing me.
“HANDS!!”
“LYRA, BE QUIET!”
‘Lyra?’
The padding soon stopped and the doorknob turned, though strangely it wasn’t coated in a purple aura. Soon, a small purple unicorn, almost exactly how I left her, was greeting me with a grin.
“Stan! I’m so glad to see you!”
“Twilight! I’m glad to see you too!” I propped up my busted arm on my other one with a wince. “Fix it!”
Oh how I love false enthusiasm.
Her grin faded and an unamused look took over her muzzle.
“Really? Again?”
I faked a miffed look.
“Oh please, you’re just as bad as I am. Just look at your-... Uh, Twilight? Why do you still have hands?”
She almost looked confused for a moment, but shot her head up in realization after a moment.
“Oh! Right! You see-”
“And why are they wrapped in gauze?” Her eye twitched. “Right, continue.”
“As I was saying, I’ve found these ‘hands’ of yours to be a lot more useful than I had originally-”
“HANDS!!!”
Twilight turned her head and shouted up the steps.
“Lyra! I swear to Celestia!”
“Lyra as in-”
She brought her gaze back towards me.
“Heartstrings, yes.”
“Uh... I feel like I should already know the answer, but why?”
“It’s a long story. Wait...you know her?”
“Yes, and it’s a longer story I’m sure.”
She looked conflicted for a moment, as if deciding whether asking me was worth it or not. Fact of the matter was that it wasn’t; I wasn’t going to tell her crap.
Making a decision, she shook her head and turned around to face the steps, soon gesturing for me to follow.
“Could you come upstairs with me?”
‘Smart mare.’
“Will you fix any other broken bones I’ll get if I fall?”
She merely rolled her eyes at me and started up the steps. I followed after.
“So as I was saying, though I’m not so sure about the feet things, these hands of yours are quite a bit more useful than I had originally thought. After a few... attempts at getting rid of them, I finally stopped and viewed them from a more... scientific standpoint.”
“So you picked something up.”
She stopped at the top of the steps.
“How did you- Ugh, yes. But being able to wrap your... fringers around a beaker... around a test tube... It’s just so right. Magic is great and all, but it almost feels like-”
“Cheating? Oh, and they’re called ‘fingers’ for the record."
“Stop finishing my thoughts please, it’s really throwing me off.”
“Right, sorry.”
She started back up, and soon we were before her bedroom door.
Let me just put into perspective how odd it was seeing her rear up on her ‘feet’ and grab the doorknob. It was like a walrus playing hopscotch with the Tasmanian Devil. It just didn’t fit the three foot tall pony in front of me.
“HAND- W-where am I?”
“Not falling for it Lyra.”
I followed her into her room, where she had set up a small chemistry table and a-
“A cage? I mean, don’t get me wrong, that pony deserves a cage, but where in the heck did you get the thing? ”
“Cages and Pages, it was right next to the notebook paper.”
‘Of course it was.’
I absentmindedly put a hoof to my back and began rubbing a rather itchy spot.
“So you told me why you’ve kept them-”
“Temporarily.”
“Right, temporarily, but why the gauze?”
A blush came over her face as she looked away.
‘She didn’t actually-’
“You didn’t really try burning them off did you?”
Silence overtook the room, which was a response in itself.
“Oh my gosh Twilight, you knew I was joking right?”
“Yes!” Which meant no. “But I was desperate, they, they... felt wrong...”
A shooting pain up my arm reminded me of my predicament. I hissed through my teeth and brought the hoof on my back towards the arm.
“Ugh, could you-” I gestured my good hoof towards the arm. “you know?”
Her head shot back up as she looked at me sheepishly.
“Heh, right. Sorry.”
She got into a ready stance as her horn began to glow a vibrant shade of violet, but oddly, it soon dimmed thereafter.
“Uhh... why-”
“Actually, would you mind trying a little-”
“Twilight...”
“What? I’ve been trying to learn a bit of potion-making from Zecora and-”
“Need a guinea pig.” I let out a sigh. “Not like I have much choice now do I?”
“Nope!”
She said all too brightly and turned towards her little table in the middle of the room.
I glanced unamusedly around the room as she got her stuff together.
‘This girl really does love books. I wonder if-’
My gaze passed over the now empty cage.
‘Crap.’
“Uh Twiligh-”
“HANDS!”
I closed my eyes and prepared for impact, but it never came. Only after a few moments of standing there in disbelief, did I finally open them; then I was disbelieving things all the more.
“Not the time Lyra.”
The teal unicorn was struggling inside of Twilight’s lavender aura as the purple pony picked up and set down a multitude of similarly colored liquids with her hands. The crazy mare showed no sure sign of being able to get free.
“Ah! Here it is.”
I continued to stare at the insane, mint mare floating there... With a hint of jealousy. girl made it look sooo easy, I nearly lost a hand to the crazy pony, and she just effortlessly stopped her.
And, as with the trend, I found myself all the more surprised as Twilight reared up and walked, yes walked up to me. Like on two feet. Sure, it was unsteady at best, but the fact of the matter was that she could do it!
Right about then, I was beginning to toy with the ‘diapers on ponies’ idea again. They still show way too much in my opinion.
She stuck a green-filled vial out in front of me.
“Drink this.”
I looked unamusedly at her.
“Oh! Right, sorry.”
The teal unicorn still struggling in the background floated back over to the side of the room and was dropped unceremoniously into her cage; after which, the vial in front of me began to glow and levitate towards my mouth.
“It should be able to fix your arm, the recipe is straight from Zecora, I just haven’t been able to use it yet.”
I still had no idea who Zecora was, and I wasn’t about to admit it to Twilight and get some ridiculous explanation/introduction, but I still allowed the vial to reach my lips.
It kinda tasted like strawberries.
Rotten strawberries.
The emptied vial floated from my mouth as I waited there.
“So how long is this supposed to-”
I let out a pained moan as what I could only assume were my bones, began to shift in my arm. It was fast acting, I had to give her that.
“You were saying?”
She said with a smirk.
“Shut up.”
My arm stopped tingling as a pair of particularly terrible pair of itches found their way onto my back. The timing was just too opportune for me to miss. It’s the itches that you couldn’t scratch before that feel so amazing. Now that I had two working ‘scratch limbs’, well-
“Ahhh...that’s the ticket...”
I let out a contented sigh.
“Do you want me to leave or-?”
The apparent smart aleck of the day was giggling at my silly, happy expression
“Oh shut up Twilight,” I turned around. “I think I might have a ra-”
“AHHHHH!!!”
She screeched.
“WHAT WHAT!?!”
When a man isn’t supposed to have feathers, he’s not supposed to have feathers; I’m just saying that it’s common sense. When those suckers start to poke through your skin, it itches like a MOFO.
Of course, I had to get the hell out of Twilight’s treehouse on the discovery of those stubby, little feather-covered nubs on my back; I went there to be fixed, not dissected.
That and it was getting late. Sure, I was getting better at the hoof-walking, but I’m sure that walking in the dead of the night would pretty much make all that experience completely worthless. Heck, it was still dark by the time I got back to Fluttershy’s, lucky coincidence I guess.
I walked to the doorstep of Fluttershy’s cottage with the intention of knocking, but the door was already slightly ajar. My brows furrowed as I tilted my head in confusion, but I still took my time before opening the door. Frankly, I had walked in on some weird stuff happening in that house and I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. You do not want to know what Angel does in his free-time.
“Fluttershy are you-”
I called inside.
“Mmmph...”
A stifled moan emanated from the door.
“Fluttershy?”
I gave the door a slight push and it slowly swung open.
“Sthan?” A weak voice said. “NO NO NO! Don’th look!”
As the door opened and a flash of yellow met my vision, I quickly shut my eyes and put a hoof in front of my face.
“Fluttershy, what’s wrong!?!”
I stumbled through the doorway and amazingly stumbled some more as something suddenly assaulted me. Nothing truly physical no, but rather something extremely smelly that was just reeking throughout the home. I gagged as a mix of something floral, apple-y and alcohol-y met my nostrils.
This was a time where a pair of hands would have done me nicely, if just to hold my nose shut.
A slight shuffling noise to the left caught my attention and I turned towards the source.
“Fluttershy? Are you alright?”
“One sthecond!”
She near mumbled out.
‘She doesn’t sound too fantabulous...’
“Fluttershy, you sound a little-”
“Okay, you canth openth your eyesth now.”
It was clear that she was trying to sound sexy, which frightened me a bit, but the fact that she came off as sounding like she had a mouth full of cotton kinda undid the effect.
Not that it would’ve worked anyways.
I removed the hoof from my eyes and opened my eyelids.
“This better not be some sort of-”
And I quickly regretted doing so
Fluttershy was posing sultrily on the couch, covered in rose-petals and reeking of alcohol. To put ‘sultrily’ into perspective, imagine a dog lying on its back in preparation for a belly rub.
Yeah, that.
Now imagine this dog as a yellow equine with a more... developed anatomy.
Now stop imagining it, you’re making me uncomfortable.
“Fluttershy...”
I tried to be mad, confused or even disgusted, but all that could really come to my head was a sense of pity...
And oddly sympathy.
“Shtan! Mmm reddy fer yooo...”
The mare trailed off as her eyelids began to droop.
“Fluttershy please...”
Her eyes shot back open as she let out a rather loud hiccup. She smiled and made a ‘come here’ gesture with her hoof.
I looked at the coffee table, a pair of scissors, an empty bottle and a set of stems from the now ruined rose bouquet on its surface.
I pursed my lips and took a step towards the pegasus.
“Oh Sthan, I knew you’d- Ooo~”
I struggled to heft the the pegasus into my arms and cradled her to my chest, allowing the plethora of rose petals fall to the ground around me.
“Please shut up Flutters.”
She hummed in response and clung herself to my chest, her tail wrapping itself around my waist. I took a few steps towards the stairs as the pegasus began to quietly snore in my grasp, a small smirk finding its way to my face from the noise.
She was an attempted rapist, sure; she was a microphiliac, yeah; but I’ll be damned if she wasn’t adorable.
I shakily made my way up the staircase, something that probably should’ve woken the poor girl up, but she remained quietly against me without complaint.
We soon- well, I soon found myself before her open bedroom door. Call that an even luckier coincidence, not sure what the hell I would’ve done if it were closed. Anyways, I slowly and quietly walked inside to place her carefully on the bed.
Something that would’ve been a helluva lot easier if she weren’t clinging onto me like a fat guy to a jar of jellybeans.
“Come on, come on-”
She moaned in protest as I extricated her limbs from my torso, but still remained asleep as I set her on the bed.
I took a step back from the bedside and took her in.
Her frazzled mane, her messy feathers, her... drool. I know that there are times of weakness in a man, this was surely one of mine, but I had never felt such a feeling towards the girl before.
I didn’t quite know what to call it exactly, pity, hunger- okay not that, but regardless it confused me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I lowered my head to the mare and placed a small innocent peck on her forehead.
“Sweet dreams Fluttershy.”
I slowly turned and walked from the room.
In a nearby bush, looking through a pair of binoculars into Fluttershy’s uncurtained window was a very distressed Pinkie Pie. She had originally planned to see how far Stan was in the ‘transformation’ but when she saw Fluttershy covered in red petals on the couch, she stayed to watch the proverbial fireworks. Not the ‘fun’ ones, but the ‘angry’ ones.
Ones, that never came.
As she saw the man pick up the small pony into his arms and walk up the stairs, she quickly shifted her focus to the bedroom window on the second floor.
It seemed innocent enough at first, he set her in bed and tucked her in, but what followed near broke her heart...
When Stan kissed Fluttershy.
Tears came to the pink pony’s eyes as she took the binoculars from her eyes and tossed them away with far too much force. Gritting her teeth, the pony looked away from the cottage, trying and failing to hold back an an intense anger and disappointment from taking over her being.
Trying and failing to keep her hair puffy and happy.
“Damn it Fluttershy... Celestia damn it Fluttershy...”