//------------------------------// // Personal Matters // Story: The Unwilling Command // by KGBCowgirl //------------------------------// As I said before, I show respect to those who I deem worthy. I'll be honest, though. Celestia seemed to deserve respect right off the bat, Luna was too timid to accept it, and the Elements were oblivious to the concept altogether. I tend to become casual after a few days of interaction with an individual, but sometimes I have to put my foot down and become an absolute asshole. This only comes about under a very specific series of circumstances. The first is a blatant disregard for another individual's safety or beliefs. This is why I only slightly messed with Celestia after a few days. I felt that she needed to know my boundaries before she went and did something monumentally foolish. The second is an absence of common courtesy. This happened once with Rainbow Dash, but she quickly found out that there are a few buttons of mine that should never be pressed. She still isn't very happy about being thrown into the pool by the Washington Monument. The third is paramount and usually can make or break the "asshole evaluation process," depending on the result. This is my immediate judgement of character. I have a habit of making sure the people I work with have at least a few morals that coincide with my own. If they fail, they are immediately demoted to my "shit list." Can you guess who failed all three? I'm a patient man. I can weather the trials involved in sitting calmly in a room full of screaming children and flying objects, mostly because I have my music turned up to deafening levels while I take a nap in the midst of the chaos. I can even stand dealing with people like that politician whose office I had recently remodeled. I hate nobility. Pompous windbags loaded with enough pretentious superiority and overall snobbishness whose only purpose in the world is to waste valuable time and money. The nobility of Equestria had, for the most part, perished in the Canterlot assault. However, fate is a sadistic bitch and uses me as a personal situational punching bag every few weeks. Out of all the nobles to survive, I loathed only one of them: Blueblood, or, as I had dubbed him, Blueballs. When I entered the interim command center for the Equestrians and their guerilla forces that I had been put in charge of for whatever reason, Blueblood had promptly walked up to me and made several loud demands for better living arrangements. He had pointed to a rather nice little setup consisting of a cot, sleeping bag, and secondary thermal blankets. "What's the issue? You have one of the nicest cots in the barracks?" I'd asked irritably. In my defense, I normally don't go straight to irritable, but this princeling had a grating voice, an abrasive personality, and I was extremely hungover. "That little setup is like the Ritz compared to the cot I'm using." "I don't care what your arrangements are, peasant!" Remember the kill authorization sequence I'd gone through with Mikael? Yeah... Bitch slap evaluation commencing... "First off, I'm going to let you know now that I'm descended directly from blood older than Fireball Flank herself," I snapped harshly, eliciting only a loud huff from Blueblood. "So shut your trap and get back to... whatever it is you do." He poked me in the chest sharply. "I could have you strung up for speaking to a prince like that, peasant." He was already up to security level two in my restraints? This guy could make an excellent distraction... Authorized. Force determination sequence initiated. "I'm going to tell you this only once," I growled before I leaned in close, removing my glasses so my icy glare could be seen. "I don't get paid for this. Ergo, I don't get paid to deal with your nonsense. I have the patience of a saint when it comes to certain things, and entitlement is not one of them." Blueblood backed up quickly at my display of contained rage, eyeing me in the same manner a mouse would a cat that had it cornered. "I-I-I will report you for this!" He said shakily. "Who is in charge of this riff-raff? Who is your superior?" Force determination completed: head movement required for proper message delivery. Continue? Y/N "Whispering Sweet Nothings" is the title given to the harsh, albeit quiet, private discussion a drill instructor will have with a trainee when they screw up badly enough. I had never perfected the technique until that moment. My blood boiled with the temperature of a supernova as I moved closer to Blueblood, glaring him directly in the eyes. "Who do you think is in charge here, dirtbag?" And there went his bladder... "Please don't hurt me!" He wailed. I didn't let up on my glare, but I sighed tiredly. "Do you really think a little piss-ant like you is worth my time?" I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I've met children who could stand up to me without flinching. And you know what? One of them is over there with the Pink Demon." I pointed to Jay and Pinkie, who were working on what appeared to be the infamous Party Cannon. I listened closely before hearing the unnerving cackle from my cousin as he completed some new and, more than likely, dangerous enhancement. "That twerp has laughed openly at people hundreds of times more frightening than myself, so don't you think it's up to your status as a grown ass man to show him up?" Blueblood's eyes switched from fear to outrage. "You would compare me to some child? I am Prince Blueblood, and I..." I smacked Blueblood with almost bone cracking force, sending him to the floor. "You ain't 'Prince' anything now, dirtbag. Your title, until I say otherwise, is now Private Blueballs! Now, on your face, and give me fifty!" The Iron Cross had entered the building, and I would not be fucked with. "Maximus, I need to speak with you," Celestia said quietly after my period of sadistic abuse of Blueballs. I turned to face her, my expression flat. "What did I do this time, Fireball Flank?" Her eye twitched a bit at my nickname for her. "I need to ask you why my nephew looks as if you just locked him in a room with Snowflake on one of his workout days." My control broke immediately as I burst into laughter. "This is no laughing matter!" Celestia snapped. I didn't care, since she had just given me a new idea. I choked down a longer bout of laughter before responding. "I didn't do that, but thanks for the idea..." I watched Celestia's face turn red in a matter of seconds. "Oh, calm down. I didn't permanently damage him." I crossed my arms and smirked in the direction of Blueballs, who was currently stretched out on his cot, wincing in pain from every breath. "What. Did. You. DO." I dropped my smirk immediately, returning the almost lethal glare the Sun Goddess was sending my way. "That spoiled little fucktard has the potential to be a great leader. However, he needs to learn humility before he can be put in a position where other people's or ponies' lives depend on his decisions." I shot my hand out to point at Blueballs, my own face a mask of fury. "If he can't be polite to a random stranger and hold his tongue, his stupidity will get not only himself, but those under him, killed." I then moved my pointed finger to Celestia. "You have failed to beat some common sense and courtesy into that idiot, so I'm doing him and you a favor. So, instead of assuming that I was putting your nephew through the wringer for shits and giggles, think about the fact that he is getting the beating on his ego that he needed." The silence and tension between myself and Celestia could have been cut with a knife as we glared at one another with raw fury. I refused to give, remembering the last time I'd been a participant in a staring contest against her. This time, however, I wasn't going to give her the benefit of my droll humor. I removed my glasses and allowed my ice blue eyes to make full contact with her own purple gaze. Before long, I could see Celestia's rage simmering down as her own gaze softened slightly. "I didn't realize he'd become so..." "Stuck up? Arrogant? Foolish? Stop me when I hit the right one," I sighed as I calmed myself down and allowed my eyes to return to their typical half-lidded gaze and put my glasses back on. "Like I said, he has potential. I just need to help him get his head out of his ass. We need all the leaders we can get, and Blueballs is a good candidate for a position of command." Celestia looked down in shame as Luna walked toward us. "Sister, is something amiss? Did Maximus Cross distress you in some way?" Celestia began to tear up, her shoulders shaking as she contained her sobs. "No, Luna. If anything, he just helped us more than I ever thought possible..." I turned away, looking over my shoulder. "I'm getting a drink. Would you two care to join me?" Both sisters looked at one another before smiling. Celestia spoke first, "That would be lovely, Mister Cross." "Prithee, Maximus Cross, do taverns of this dimension carry the nectar known as wine?" I looked at Luna with one eyebrow cocked. "I think we need to expand the preferences of your palate, Luna..." Hangovers suck. I say this because I was dumb enough to try out-drinking both Luna and Fireball Flank. Celestia was down after just a few glasses of beer, but Luna... In the space of an hour, we had managed to both become very intoxicated. The one advantage Luna had, however, was her mastery of magic. Did you know that she and Twilight had developed a spell to purge any toxins from the system of anyone that the spell was used on? Yeah, neither did I... She and I were well into the tenth round of our contest when she used that spell. I had no chance, since I was so plastered that I wouldn't have noticed an elephant stampede on my head. I took my fourteenth and final shot before I fell off my stool and onto the ground. I only vaguely remember the details beyond that, but apparently I spent the entire trip back to Luna and Celestia's hotel room shamelessly flirting with the princess of the night. Not only did that happen, but I'm told that Luna flirted right back with a vengeance until I passed out on her bed. This is why Luna is best princess. Returning to the subject of hangovers. My variety, for whatever reason, have very rarely consisted of the full gamut of side effects. That is to say that I get all of the light sensitivity, fatigue, and partial disorientation, but almost never the splitting headache. This was the case I rolled around on an unfamiliar bed, stretching and doing my best to face away from the window. When I let my arms fall back down next to my sides, a slender, tanned arm crossed my vision before I felt a warm breath tickle my neck. 'Uh...' I slowly turned my head to see Luna scooting closer to me, a content smile on her face. So, I did what any rational young man would do... "WHATTHEFUCKNO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, scrambling out of the bed and pressing myself against a nearby wall. Okay, maybe not so rational...