//------------------------------// // Part Three and Credits // Story: Secret Histories // by McPoodle //------------------------------// Secret Histories Part Three and Credits The Roman once told the Princesses a story: The king of the gods, Jupiter, had a horrific headache, so bad that he felt like he had somebody else stuffed into his head. The god Vulcan, taking this complaint literally, split open Jupiter’s head with an axe, and out of the wound sprang the goddess Minerva, fully adult and armed with shield and spear! Lying in her bed and facing the rising sun, Princess Celestia felt like Twilight Sparkle was trying to burst out of her forehead. She tried to sit up from her bed. This was a mistake. With a moan, the Princess lowered her head back down, only for it to crumple a scroll that had been lying next to her head all this time. With her eyes still closed, she called out for her steward. “Snowy? Are you there?” “Yes, I am here!” a unicorn mare called out as she raced to the side of the royal bed. “Quieter,” Celestia said, nearly begging. “Yes, Your Highness,” Snowy Slopes said apologetically. “Are you alright? I have never seen you like this.” Celestia sighed, her eyes still shut. “That is because you are unacquainted with my sister’s penchant for intoxicating beverages, and how very persuasive she can be. Where is she?” Without being instructed, Snowy immediately walked over to the drapes, which she shut. Unfortunately, Princess Celestia normally liked sunlight in her room, and so the thin drapes were not very effective. “Princess Luna is currently ‘bar-hopping’ with a human,” she reported on her return. “The guards are still trying to find them.” “Well at least she remembered to raise the sun for me,” said Celestia. “It’s a pity that my hangover cure can’t work on the one who casts it.” “I’m afraid I don’t know that spell,” said Snowy. “Shall I retrieve a unicorn mage who can cast it for you?” “Don’t bother,” replied Celestia. “The spell is merely the ability that makes earth ponies so resistant to getting drunk in the first place, channeled through a horn. And with Cadence running her own kingdom...” “I’ll send some more guards after Princess Luna.” “No...ow,” said Princess Celestia, as she first shook her head, and then found that this made the pain even worse. “I was foalish enough to do this to myself, so I shall take the punishment like a mare.” Slowly she forced her eyes to open. It felt like they had been coated in sand like one of Pinkie Pie’s sugar cookies. She looked upon the concerned face of the middle-aged unicorn before her. “Postpone my pre-lunch meetings and cut out all meals today to compensate,” she said. “All meals!” the white unicorn gasped. “You do know that I don’t really need to eat, right?” the Princess asked playfully. “Yes, of course,” the steward said abashedly. Slowly, the alicorn rose to her haunches and passed the rolled up scroll to Snowy by hoof. “Now,” she said, “while I am waiting for the throbbing behind my eyeballs to diminish, could you please read me the letter that my student has sent me? I’ll just make the headache worse if I read it myself. Oh, and I trust that you will remain discreet about any personal details that might be contained within?” “Of...course, Your Highness,” Snowy Slopes said, as she used her telekinesis to unroll the several sheets of paper before her. With a clearing of her throat, she began to read out loud: Dear Princess Celestia, “She crossed out the ‘princess’!” Snowy exclaimed. “And then added the note, ‘(Sorry, force of habit)’!” Celestia chuckled slightly. “Yes, we are trying out a change in our professional relationship. Strictly in private, of course. Twilight would never fail to use the correct salutation in public.” “Of...of course,” Snowy said once again, before resuming her reading: In an earlier letter, I informed you of how I learned that the bond I had with my friends in Ponyville dated back to far before we had met each other, to the moment when we all gained our cutie marks. Well now I have learned that not just ourselves, but our six families, have been linked together by at least as much as a quarter of a millennium! This news will of course come as a complete surprise to you. Coincidentally, “a quarter of a millennium” is the exact span of time since Eveningstar’s pioneering work on star migration. Celestia burst out laughing at that point, which confused her steward to no end. “Ha-ha-ha-ha...ow.” She gently rubbed one temple with a hoof. “Someday I will learn to stop underestimating my students. Continue on.” Snowy Slopes had meanwhile been reading ahead, and what she saw made her feel weak to her knees. She had always suspected that her mistress played the “Long Game”, but to see it spelled out so explicitly... “Snowy,” the Princess addressed her, suddenly serious. “I told you I trust you. I see no reason why I should keep these sort of things from you. Please, keep reading.” Snowy nodded silently before continuing. Now that everything’s out in the open—and believe me, the safe parts of this will become public knowledge—I feel that it’s time to take care of a matter I have avoided for too long. Namely, my family. Celestia, you know that I would share everything in my heart with you, but for once, this is a private matter. I just wanted you to know before I begin writing to Prince Shining Armor. With his support, I hope to begin instituting some changes. “Good for her!” exclaimed the Princess. I have asked the others affected by these revelations to provide their own friendship reports after my own, starting with the one among us who hasn’t written one before, so with that I will sign off. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle “Oh!” exclaimed Snowy. “She has a P.S.:” P.S. I have recently learned that some humans have a governmental agency in place with the purpose of testing new inventions and drugs to make sure that they do not have unintended side effects. This sounds like something that can be effectively applied to our government as well. If this idea appeals to you, might I suggest that Full Immersion be the first item to be studied by this agency? I of course have full faith in the technique which I myself convinced you to release to the public, but I wouldn’t mind having a second opinion. “Make a note to have that notion raised in the Senate,” Celestia said with a frown. “I have learned to recognize Twilight Sparkle’s ‘damage control mode’ when I hear it, and never to ignore it.” Once that was done, Snowy continued with the second part of the letter: Dear Celestia, Princess of Equestria and Raiser of the Sun, The Princess and her steward shared a look of understanding. Only one species regularly used that particular greeting. Snowy scanned down to the end of the section. “It’s from ‘Grizelda V of the Emerald Sky Pride’,” she told Celestia. “Ah, Gilda,” the alicorn said with a nod. “The others have encountered her before, although not under the best of circumstances. Wait,” she suddenly realized, “if that group is all suddenly sharing their family histories...” From the pale look on her mistress’ face, Snowy decided that she needed to get through this letter as fast as possible. To answer your first, last and only question: No, they don’t know. I’d never tell them something like that, no matter what any pony might say about me. Since I had no other secrets worth sharing, let me instead tell you about a business proposition that you would consider yourself lucky to get in on the ground floor. “Th...the nerve of that griffon!” Snowy exclaimed. “There’s a note by Twilight afterwards—shall I skip ahead to that?” “No, I think not,” said Celestia. “The letters are all in the same script, yes?” “Yes, Your Highness,” confirmed Snowy Fields. “That means that they were all dictated to Twilight’s assistant, who I trust to have cut out anything that would be a waste of my time. In addition, Twilight herself probably heard the letter being dictated as well. At the very least, they thought it would amuse me.” “Very well,” said Snowy. What I would like to offer is the services of me and my fellow griffons as official bodyguards of the Cross-Worlds Portal. My team will be trained in both human and pony customs. For ponies, we will offer protection in the dangerous habitats of Earth. And for humans, we will offer our expertise in pony politics and the fact that they can talk to us about sports, movies, food, or a thousand other subjects that put those namby-pamby ponies into full-on panic mode. Snowy rolled her eyes as she continued: Think about it, Princess. You know full well what we griffons are really like, but do you ever see us acting like that in Equestria? Well, even if you do, my griffons won’t be like that. We’re the closest thing this world had to humans before the real things showed their flat little faces, and I think that makes us the perfect beings to go between you, and them. What do you think? If you’d like to shower me with a million bits, I can be found at the Sparkle Family Museum in Canterlot. Later, Gilda “Have the Bureau bring up to date the file I ordered back when Gilda crossed the Bearers’ paths the last time,” Celestia ordered. “I don’t want to commit one way or the other on this rather intriguing offer until I’m sure that Grizelda’s truly done her homework on this matter.” “Yes, Your Highness,” said Snowy, already writing out the missive. ~ ~ ~ “So, what did Twilight write after Gilda’s letter?” asked the Princess. “‘Sorry about that’,” Snowy read, “‘but I had no idea that Gilda was going to pull a trick like sneaking a sales pitch into her letter to you. I’ll leave it in anyway, since it actually appears to have some merit, but I am imposing a strict five minute time limit on each letter from now on. They will be written by Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie, in that order, and as soon as Pinkie’s time is up, Spike will send the letter to you, regardless of what anypony says. In this way I hope to prevent any other sorts of funny business,’ Signed, Twilight Sparkle.” ~ ~ ~ Dear Princess Celestia, I’ll get this done real quick: I’m a Firefly, and I moved to Ponyville from Cloudsdale to keep the rest of my busybody family out of my mane. I suppose I should go and visit them sometime. I am only going to write this once, and then it’s back to “Rainbow Dash”, OK? Sincerely Yours, Fire Boom IV, Seventh Daughter of Firefly VI ~ ~ ~ Dear Princess Celestia, All my life I have sought for a proper ending to strive for, a “happily ever after” to follow my struggle to be recognized. Tonight I discovered that the ending I sought was mine all along. I am a noblepony, but the name that I have inherited is tainted with shame. You see, I am a Nightingale, and the Nightingales have never atoned for the shameful acts that led them to abandon that name two centuries ago. I accept the name with pride, regardless of stigma. If anypony asks, I will not deny what I am. If you choose to proclaim my identity, I will accept it humbly. But, if I were allowed to arrange events to my liking, then I would much prefer to wipe the stain upon my escutcheon before I would deign to reveal said escutcheon for the world to comment upon. [At this point, Rarity convinced me to extend her allotted time. After all, the revelations affected her more than anypony, so I only thought it right. — Twilight] [Also, it took five minutes just figuring out how to spell ‘escutcheon’. — Spike] My fame as a designer is based upon my use of jewels in my designs, and those jewels nearly exclusively have come from the Lesser Badlands to the north of Ponyville, an area occupied by Diamond Dog squatters, squatters that I am convinced are the descendants of the Diamond Dogs my ancestors wronged making their fortune. Technically, they are on that land illegally, doubly so as that territory is crown property. But in every decent sense, a home of some sort is their right, a right my ancestors stole from them. If you will give me the time, I would like to make them legal citizens of Equestria. I am currently looking to find private lands to their liking that I will purchase and give to them, so I beg of you, please do not prosecute or expel them from their current burrows until I can do this. I hope you do not feel that I am imposing upon you with these requests, but I feel that this is a debt that I must repay. I realize that with a name as long-abandoned as “Nightingale” that I would have a place on the social ladder perhaps even lower than that granted to me as a designer for the aristocracy. That is no matter to me. I have been given a new mission in life, and I will not rest until the name of “Nightingale” has earned the right to be treated as well as any other noble name. Most Humbly Yours, Rarity, Nightingale in Deed if Not Yet in Fact “I don’t think that plan will work out the way she thinks,” Snowy cautiously stated. “Just because her attitude towards some vagrants has changed, does not mean that theirs has changed commensurately.” “Probably not,” answered the Princess. “But it will make for a good learning experience for a would-be noble.” “Your Highness...” the steward added hesitantly. “Yes, Snowy?” Celestia replied. “The rumors are rather vague, but there is a tale in my family that I too am a Nightingale.” “Well!” Celestia exclaimed with a smile. “In that case, I suggest you get in contact with your long-lost relative, and only afterwards offer your advice on the Diamond Dog issue.” “Yes,” Snowy said with a small smile, “I just might do that. What should I do about Rarity’s unstated request?” “‘Unstated’?” Celestia asked, before figuring it out. “Oh yes. Have Professor Stein draft a measure to put the Lesser Badlands up for a public auction, with a preference given to a purchaser willing to buy the entire territory as a single unit. I’m sure he’ll tell me if I’m showing any undue favoritism by including that request, and how best to fix things so that I can get what I want without looking like I’m bashing any hooves. “Next letter!” ~ ~ ~ Dear. Princess. Celestia. Um. I’ll ask my mother about my ancestor Butterbold, and see what else she knows about my forebears. Sincerely, Fluttershy...Fluffykins? “‘Wheatstraw’,” the Princess corrected. “Legally, their name is Wheatstraw.” ~ ~ ~ Dear Celestia, “Another one without ‘Princess’,” noted Snowy. “Oh Applejack went for ‘The Frog Princess’ like a tadpole takes to a swimming pool,” Celestia said with a grin. When her steward gave her a look of utter incomprehension at her choice of simile, she quickly waved a hoof at her. “Carry on, carry on.” We Apples have always kept a close eye on our history. In a way, it’s sort of like my Element: we take the good and the bad. So I didn’t learn anything tonight from Blue Belle that I didn’t already know— “Blue Belle!” Celestia interrupted. “So that’s how they learned.” “I don’t recall any Blue Belles,” said Snowy. “At least, none in the current generation.” “She’s a spirit, several centuries old,” the Princess explained. “I haven’t spoken with her in...oh I’d say at least seventy years. In fact, request an appointment with Prince Blueblood—I simply must have a chat with her at his convenience. Perhaps between the two of us, we can finally talk some sense into her descendant. He’s taking the ‘family burden’ far too seriously.” “Yes, Your Highness,” Snowy said as she made the note, pretending to understand what her mistress was talking about. She then continued from where she left off in Applejack’s letter: —but I was reminded that my friends are part of my family, and I shouldn’t be so nervous about letting them look through the Apple Family Photo Album. In fact, I sort of consider you part of the family, seeing as you were nice enough to grant my great-grandparents the deed to the spot you had picked out for your own eventual family reunion— Snowy looked up from the letter at her sovereign. “Never underestimate the talents of an Apple,” Celestia told her solemnly, before breaking into a smile. “Not even their diplomacy.” “Yes, Your Highness,” said Snowy. —so if you could find a spot in your schedule for the fifth of next month, perhaps I could show you all the kind of ancestors I had over a traditional Apple Family lunch. Your grateful subject, Applejack “If Princess Luna is willing to cover for you, I think I can arrange for you to attend that get-together,” Snowy reported after checking the datebook that never left her side. “Oh, Luna will have to come with me, I’m afraid,” said Celestia with mock seriousness. “It’s a ‘family reunion’, after all.” “Of course,” Snowy said with a sigh. “I’ll do my best.” “Thank you, Snowy,” Celestia said with a slight dip of her head. ~ ~ ~ So anyway— “‘So anyway’?!” Snowy exclaimed. “Now here I must draw the line. What kind of—” “It’s Pinkie Pie,” Celestia said with a shrug. “As near as I can figure, she considers everything she’s ever sent to me to be just parts of one big long letter. I received precisely one ‘Dear Princess Celestia’ from her, and I don’t expect a ‘Sincerely Yours’ until she’s on her deathbed, which I hope is a very, very long time from now.” “I...see,” said Snowy, before returning to the beginning of Pinkie’s message with some trepidation. So anyway, Blue Belle’s a friend of mine from my days with Madame Fortuna, and she’s told me all sorts of things about me and my family that I never knew before, and that’s why everypony (and Gilda, and Spike) went to my séance, because nobody believed me when I told them something Blue Belle told me, and you know what, I wasn’t actually supposed to tell that thing to anypony, so forget that I told you that, OK? “I think Pinkie Pie’s words are giving me a hangover just by reading them,” Snowy declared before resuming her narration. It turns out that spirits eat yelling for breakfast—not very nutritious if you ask me—and that’s when all the family secrets Blue Belle had been hoarding all spilled out, but Applejack turned the secrets on her like a boss and, hold on, Spike just got a cramp in his claw from writing too fast. As I was saying—what was I saying? Twilight says my time’s running out. I didn’t tell any of them that I was actually a [REDACTED] and [REDACTED! REDACTED! OH SWEET CELESTIA SO VERY REDACTED!!!] Wait, no, Spike, don’t sent tha ~ ~ ~ And that’s how the letter ended, cut off in mid-sentence. Most of that last paragraph was not read out loud by Snowy, whose brain had froze up at the very first [REDACTED], but by Celestia, who had snatched away the letter with her magic, headache or no headache. “Ugh! Pinkie Pie!” the Princess yelled out in frustration. This was not to say that the Princess had not harbored certain suspicions. There was a reason after all why she had not requested that Twilight’s unsatisfying friendship report about her friend’s possible powers of precognition have a follow up. But now that she knew, there were certain procedures that had to be followed. Poor Snowy would need to have the last five minutes of her memory wiped. And the Bearers (other than Pinkie) would have to lose practically a whole day by this point, assuming they were all within a twenty-ponylength radius of Pinkie at her typical volume level; closed doors had proved completely useless in the past at blocking that voice when she wasn’t trying to keep a secret. And then she’d have to blast herself, after leaving a suitably convoluted explanation to her sister to block herself from investigating when she realized what had happened to her... And then the logical part of Celestia’s mind—which more and more over the centuries came to resemble the voice of the human philosopher Voltaire—reminded her not only that dragon brains were notoriously hard to influence magically, but also that the Elements, and therefore their bearers, were enchanted against memory-rewriting spells because of that one time when Discord had tried to turn Luna against her while still frozen in stone. With a sigh, Celestia lightly tapped her hooves together right next to Snowy Slopes’ ear. “I’ll never tell another pony for as long as I live, I swear by your nonexistent beard!” the unicorn suddenly exclaimed. “Alright, very big to-do list,” Celestia told her after pointedly ignoring her outburst. “First, get Pr. Stein in here to start the process of getting a certain no-longer applicable order overturned. I predict he’ll tell me it’s not going to happen. We’re going to make it happen anyway, but I predict it will take about a year to pull off. “Second, get me a copy of Royal Order 1895 so I can send it to Pinkie Pie so she knows precisely what she did wrong, while I draft a letter instructing her to reduce the damage and emphasizing that I trust her to do the right thing. I hope I’m not making a mistake. “And third, cancel everything else for today and tell Luna that she’s in charge, by magic bullhorn if necessary. May the Fates pity anypony foalish enough to interrupt me before tomorrow.” “What will you be doing?” asked Snowy fearfully. “I,” Princess Celestia announced, for the first time in living memory, “am going back to bed. Today is officially shot.” T H E _ E N D Credits & Acknowledgements First and foremost, a big thank you to GBScientist, whose comment in Chapter 32 of “The Best of All Possible Worlds” inspired this whole story. Also a shout-out to my editor, EricKilla. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is property of Hasbro, and the artistic creation of Mrs. Lauren Faust and the team at Studio B. The characters of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Queen Chrysalis, Prince Blueblood, Opal, Star Swirl and the Viscous Smooze (First Generation), Princesses Celestia and Luna (fka Nightmare Moon), Gilda, Daring Do, Scootaloo, Spike, the Cakes, Sweetie Belle, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, The Diamond Dogs and Firefly (also First Generation) are all the creations of that august company, as well as the locations of Equestria, Canterlot, Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, Appleloosa, Manehattan, Ponyville, Sugarcube Corner, Carousel Boutique and Trottingham, the concepts of the Elements of Harmony and Poison Joke, and the occasions of Hearth’s Warming Eve, the Grand Galloping Gala and Nightmare Night, and all of them are being used without their permission. All that belongs to me are Blue Belle, Morningstar, Eveningstar, Fellstaff, Cogs and Zody Sparkle, Sky Shock, Grizelda (the First), Duke Thunderwing, Butterbold, Mallus, Princess Fisby, the Nightingales and the Orange Clan of dragons, Royal Order 1895, and the events of the Diamond Dog and Griffish Revolutions from my earlier story “The Best of All Possible Worlds”, plus Spot the Wonder Changeling, Stirling the White, Nebulosity, Noffony I [modeled after Napoleon I], Pr. Valerian, the technique/machine known as Full Immersion, Sir Purse Strings (who may or may not be the same as the “Best of All Possible Worlds” character Cut Strings), the Delegation Operation (although half of the fandom already had the idea before me), Gilda’s full name in this fic and her placement in the Emerald Sky Pride. And Baaarney’s Scarf Emporium—you can have control of that concept when you pull it out of my rigor-morted fingers. “Essential Saltes” is from The Case of Charles Dexter Ward by H. P. Lovecraft (1927). The fan characterization of Lyra Heartstrings is in this story, if you know where to look. The unauthorized biography of Twilight Sparkle was called Friendship Is Magic: The Adventures of a Unicorn and Her Friends in Equestria (Foal Free Press, 2010). The independent web animation series that was adapted from that book is called simply Friendship Is Magic, and is currently building up to its third season. I hear we might even get to see Princess Luna again! The term “Melonie” is derived from “Camel” in the same way as “Gypsy” is derived from “Egypt”. Gypsies refer to themselves as “Romani”, and the Romani word for horse is “grasnari”. “Opre” is their word for “arise”. Momma Fortuna is from the novel The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle (1968). The demonic character of Thrakkorzog, voiced by the immortal Jim Cummings, first appeared in The Tick animated series in the episode “The Tick vs. the Uncommon Cold” (1994, written by Henry Gilroy and directed by Art Vitello), although I hear the name more recently showed up in a work of parody. “But McPoodle,” you ask, “why are you telling us about Thrakkorzog, when s/he wasn’t even mentioned in this story?” Are you sure about that? Ballyfore is a town in Northern Ireland, and therefore a good place to find a baneful banshee. Raise the Red Lantern is a 1991 film in Mandarin Chinese directed by Zhang Yimou. And finally, Princess Celestia’s steward Snowy Slopes was borrowed from Abelidoth’s story “Celestia’s Teeth”.