Yet Another Human In Equestria Story
Chapter 3: June 25-26, Griffon the Brush-Off
By: Bardic Knowledge
To Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia,
I realize that it hasn't been a week yet since I was appointed as your liaison, but I have given myself a specific deadline to ensure that you receive a report from me each week. This is done in part to prevent an event that is to occur at an unknown time in the future (see attached synopsis for Season 2, Episode 3: “Lesson Zero”).
Thus far things have been rather quiet in Ponyville, especially now that Twilight and Spike have finished moving into the library. I have yet to find a permanent residence, and have taken to spending the night at a different pony's house each of the past four nights. The Apple family did offer to build me a house, but I have declined their offer in favour of earning the money required to buy a house, or at least rent one.
Also, I have recently spoken to Fluttershy about something you should know about my species: we are simultaneously herbivorous and carnivorous. We typically refer to it as “omnivorous,” but considering Spike's predilection for gemstones, it's not quite as apropos. Since Fluttershy is the caretaker of several animals who also require meat in their diet, we have come to an arrangement that will allow me to subsist on the same fish she feeds to the ferrets that live under her bridge.
Still, I would like to ask about what any Griffins (or Gryphons or Griffons, whichever is the official spelling here) that live in Equestria may eat, since I know of at least two: Gilda, who went to flight school with Rainbow Dash, and Gustav le Grand, who is a pastry chef that purportedly makes delicious éclairs.
I will be sending this letter through Spike at his earliest convenience.
Your humble servant,
Joe McCord
I tapped the quill I had been using on the ink well before starting in on a summary of Lesson Zero mainly pointing out Twilight's stress at believing she is held to a higher standard than others and her panic at not getting a Friendship Report in on time. I also mentioned that, despite what may happen, no one was truly injured in the mess and she learns a valuable lesson from the whole ordeal.
With that finished, I let the ink dry, then rolled the two scrolls up to give to Spike and headed for the front door of Fluttershy's cottage, the animals that roamed the house waving to me as I walked. It still seemed rather surreal. Fluttershy told me that most animals don't act like the ones with her, but they've been around her for so long that they've picked up a few things.
As I opened the door, however, I was set upon by a splash of frigid water. “Flurgen rahaemish!” I shouted, jumping back (those aren't actual words in any language other than Angrish). I shook myself in an attempt to shake off the water in my hair, as I'd thankfully been wearing the coat Rarity gave me, and then glared in the direction I heard laughter.
“I thought I said I don't like water! ESPECIALLY COLD!” The laughter intensified for a moment before fading away as Pinkie and Dash apparently moved off. I shook my head and double-checked my scrolls to make sure it was alright. Then what just happened hit me.
“Dash and Pinkie pranking together?” I muttered. “That's not supposed to happen until Griffon the Brush-Off. Curious. Better tell Fluttershy to be wary, just in case Gilda is going to be coming soon.” I then recalled what I just wrote about Gryphons/Griffons/Griffins. “Oddly fortuitous.”
I went into town and immediately headed for the library. It had taken me a while to learn the layout of Ponyville, but at this point I would only get lost if I was trying to get someone else somewhere.
Spike was in, and he sent the missive to the Princess immediately. I then browsed the shelves to see if I could find any books about the eagle-lions with three different spellings. Before I could find any, Spike belched up a reply.
“Well, that was fast,” I commented, taking the scroll from Spike.
“The Princess is usually pretty quick to reply,” he said, before continuing to sweep.
“By the way, thanks again for teaching me how to write with a quill.”
“Not a problem. It's nice to meet someone else with claws.”
“Well, technically, I have hands. By the way, is Twilight in?”
“Yeah, but she's in the middle of a-” The was a muffled explosion from upstairs. “-an experiment.”
“Sounds like she just got hit by Pink 'n' Dash.”
“Huh?”
“Pinkie and Rainbow are going around pranking today. I thought you were their first victim. Y'know, scaring the hiccups into you?”
Spike blushed and kicked at the ground. “Oh, yeah. The Princess asked me to come to Canterlot tomorrow to re-train my fire-breath so I don't send things accidentally.”
“Well, it's better to send things accidentally then burn them away forever. Speaking of which, you might want to be careful with dusty books.”
Spike looked around the library. “Good idea.” We were interrupted by the strange staccato beat of hoofs on stairs as Twilight came downstairs.
“Spike, do you know where the spare inkwell is? Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash-” Twilight stopped short on seeing me. She was a little uneasy around me after the way I spoke of the show and knowing future events, though she was also very curious about what I meant when I mentioned a journal to the Princess.
Before she could continue, Spike walked up to her, holding out a fresh pot of ink, which she took with her telekin- magic. Before she could leave, however, I asked her a question that had been on my mind lately.
“You know a lot of spells, right? Do you know if there's an eidetic memory spell or something?”
“Why do you ask?” she said.
“Well, I had an idea to make some money, but I don't remember the books I've read well enough to write them, but if I had perfect recall, then I'd be able to hopefully write a couple that ponies will enjoy.”
“I'd have to go back through my books, but I think there is one. It causes extreme headaches, though.”
“I can deal with that. Unless you mean headaches for the caster, in which case, I'll let someone else decide.”
“In any case, I should get back to my experiment. I wanted to finish it before I met up with Rarity this afternoon to talk.”
“And I've got a scroll to read. Talk to you later.” I waved to her as she walked back up the stairs, and shook hands with Spike before I headed out the door, unfurling the scroll to read as I walked back to Fluttershy's.
Dear Joe,
My, you do know how to write formally, don't you? Despite the grand nature of your new position's title, you don't need to stand on ceremony with me, considering what you know. And thank you for you forewarning. Twilight, bless her, has always been very dedicated, and I've seen something similar when she woke up one Saturday morning and thought she was going to be late for school.
Regarding your lack of funds and permanent lodging, I do plan on giving you a salary since you are acting as my eyes and ears in Ponyville. I don't know how it converts to what currency you are used to, but I believe 100 bits a week should see you through and shouldn't be unreasonable, especially if you keep up this self-imposed deadline of yours.
I stopped reading and walking for a moment. 100 bits? Didn't Fluttershy get a whole bundle of asparagus (bleh) for just one bit in Putting You Hoof Down? I've never looked at asparagus past watching someone else eat/cook it, but I'm pretty sure that attempting some form of conversion means that I'd essentially get paid $100 a week to live my life and write letters! That just doesn't seem right.
Might have to talk her down to a more reasonable price.
Regarding your dietary needs, I'm glad that you've brought it to my attention, in case one of my councillors takes it upon herself to investigate my sudden need of a liaison. If they got word that you ate meat, they'd probably have attempted to have you fired or something as a “danger to the ponies of Equestria” or something. My little ponies can be so silly sometimes.
Regarding the Griffin (and that's the “official” spelling) citizens of Equestria, there are a few specialty shops in certain towns that cater to them, and are in many cases run by them. They are also inspected monthly to ensure that only non-sapient meat, such as fish, rabbits, and the like, are being used. I believe that there's actually one on Aerie Street here in Canterlot.
Yours,
Princess Celestia
By the time I finished reading, I had reached Fluttershy's cottage again, and tucked the letter into the Bag of Holding Rarity enchanted for me. It contained four sets of the outfit she made for me, my pyjamas (which were used as proof that I had already known about the Elements before I appeared in the Ancient Castle), my personal supply of ink, quills, and paper, and now the letter I had received from the princess.
I waited for Fluttershy to return by playing with one of the kittens and the reflection of the sunlight off my ring, and even Angel got in the fun by trying to stop the kitten from reaching the light at all. The bunny's a bit of a jerk at times, but he truly does care about Fluttershy and the other animals in the cottage.
It wasn't long before Fluttershy stepped in her door. “Oh! I thought you would be in town, Joe. Didn't you have a letter to send?”
“I sent it already. Just to double-check today's sequence of events, did you find a fake turtle by the water earlier?”
“I did. Why was it there?”
“Rainbow Dash was going to prank you with it by having it shoot water at you, but Pinkie vetoed the idea.”
“Oh, thank goodness.”
“However, what this means is that, likely tomorrow, we're soon going to be visited by a Griffin, named Gilda.”
Fluttershy's eyes shrank. “G-Gilda?!” she started shaking.
“That's right,” I muttered, kneeling beside her and rubbing her back. “You went to flight camp with Rainbow Dash, didn't you?”
“Y-yes,” she whispered, leaning into my hand. “But even though Rainbow Dash kept most bullies away from me, Gilda refused to stop. She just started doing it when Rainbow Dash wasn't around.”
“I'm afraid there's going to be a confrontation tomorrow that's very important, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Pinkie's going to realize that Gilda's a... 'big mean meanie pants' or something along those lines, and attempt to convince Twilight. That won't work, and she'll head into town. Where you wind up running into Gilda.”
“Oh my, that's right. Mama duck wanted to move her and her ducklings to a new nest on the other side of town tomorrow. Oh, but I don't want to run into Gilda!” She shivered more.
“Don't worry, I think I have a plan, but that means I'll probably have to spend the night here again.”
“That's alright. Thank you, Joe.” She nuzzled my cheek, which felt rather odd really, and I told her the plan.
The next day, I found myself to be incredibly bored watching Fluttershy guide the family of ducks through town. I would occasionally glance at the sky, and when I saw a streak of rainbow fly into the clouds, I nodded.
“Almost time, Fluttershy. Don't worry, I'll be nearby.” And with that I moved off to sit in the market, getting a glass of water (which was thankfully just as free as it was in most restaurants back home), and waited, keeping an eye on the crowd. It wasn't long before I spotted a flash of brown and white that turned out to be Gilda, and I drained my water as quickly as I could.
I miss Dr Pepper.
Putting the cup in a nearby trash can, I moved forward in time to catch Gilda scare Granny Smith with her tail and steal an apple from the cart.
And there's Fluttershy coming up the street. And almost on cue:
“Hey! I'm walking here!”
Fluttershy squeaked. “Oh, I'm sorry, I-”
“'I'm sorry,'” Gilda mocked. I then tapped the griffin on her shoulder, causing her to turn towards me.
“What do you... want...?” she growled at my chest. She blinked for a moment before looking up and into my eyes. Huh, she's just as tall as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
“I want you to leave my friend alone,” I replied, glaring. I jabbed her in the beak. “Or do I have to get confrontational?”
She backed up, rubbing her beak. I was tempted to massage my finger, but did my best to not let my discomfort show. “Okay, sheesh, fine. Whatever. Smell you later losers!” I braced myself as she took off, wingbeats almost as powerful as Dash's. I then knelt beside Fluttershy.
“You alright?” She nodded, smiled, and turned back to the duck family.
I glanced around the marketplace to find Pinkie and went by her as she muttered “Pinkie Pie Style!”
Good, that party's still on track. I decided to check in on Twilight and see if she'd made any progress with that eidetic memory spell.
We killed a few hours with a conversation about my home, but she hadn't made any progress yet on finding the spell. As soon as we received the invitation to the “Make Gilda Less Grumpy” party, we headed out together, our conversation having led to the internet. I resisted any temptation to sing or say any variation on “The Internet is for Porn.” Actually, I almost resisted, settling for humming the chorus. She was confused, but I told her she wouldn't get the joke.
The party went as expected, though Gilda did glare my way when she first came in. I did manage to keep Spike from burrowing through the cake, as well. While Gilda had issues with the spicy vanilla lemon drops, I was contentedly munching away at them, which I suppose is why she accused me of setting that one up.
Finally, it came time for the games portion of the party.
“Well, I am the guest of honour, I'll have the purple tail,” said Gilda, snatching said tail from Rarity, who was about to play Pin the Tail on the Pony herself.
“Yeah! Gilda should definitely go first. Let's get you blindfolded,” Pinkie chirped, as Spike tied the blindfold around Gilda's eyes. With a spin, Gilda was dizzy, but pointed at the poster. I cleared my throat and motioned to turn her around, but Pinkie didn't hear or see me do so. “Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail!”
“Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail,” Gilda mocked. Then she turned towards Pinkie's voice. “Yeah right, this is another prank, isn't it? I'm going this way!” She immediately turned around and resolutely marched away from the poster of the pony. Before anyone could stop her, she slipped on some... frosting? I'm not sure what it was, or why it would be on the floor if it was frosting (I also don't know how frosting could be that slippery), but either way, she slipped across the floor and into the kitchen.
I face-palmed and muttered, “Well, here we go.”
Gilda stumbled out of the kitchen, now covered in batter and frosting... somehow, with the tail across the top of her beak like a moustache and the blindfold gone.
“Uh, Gilda? You pinned the tail on the wrong end,” Pinkie said, despite my frantic “don't do it” gesture. On reflection, said gesture probably didn't mean anything to Pinkie anyways.
As everyone started laughing, Gilda started growling before letting out a loud roar that startled everyone into silence, as I started walking towards her. She took off before I could get close and glare at the room.
“This is your idea of a good time?! I've never met a lamer bunch of dweebs in all my life! And you!” she went to point a claw at Pinkie, but by then I was right in front of her and had grabbed her talon.
“Perhaps I should be more specific. Leave. ALL. My friends. ALONE!” I shouted in her face, coat billowing dramatically from the wind. She growled and swiped at me, but I bent backwards to get my face out of the way of her talon, letting go of the one I held in the process.
“You think you can make me lose my cool?!” she yelled, landing next to Rainbow Dash. “We've got ten times the cool of the rest of you dweebs put together! Especially queen dweeb Pinkie and your lame party pranks!” Rainbow Dash immediately glared at Gilda, who was walking for the exit. “C'mon Dash, we're bailing on this pathetic excuse...” She stopped and looked back. “Come on, Rainbow Dash. I said, we're leaving!”
“Y'know, Gilda? I was the one who set up those 'lame pranks' at the party.” Dash said.
“What?!”
“So I guess I'm the 'queen dweeb.'”
“C'mon, Dash, you're joshing me.” Hmm. I wonder if that has the same etymology as “joshing” does back home. What was that guy's last name again?
“They weren't all meant for you specifically. It was just dumb luck you set them all off. And attacking Joe for defending Pinkie? Not cool.”
“I should have known!” Pinkie said to Spike. “That dribble cup had Rainbow Dash written all over it.”
“No way. It- it was Pinkie Pie! She set up this whole party just to trip me up,” Gilda denied. “To make a fool of me! And that- that thing probably helped her!”
“Me? I threw this party to improve your attitude. I thought a good party might turn that frown upside down!” And Pinkie once again defied conventional physics (and made my neck hurt) by turning her whole head upside down.
“I got here after you did,” I said, crossing my arms. “I tried one of the pranked vanilla lemon drops and found them to be spicy and sweet and couldn't stop myself from eating more. I love spicy food.”
“And you sure didn't need any help making a fool of yourself,” Rainbow countered. “Y'know, this isn't how I thought my old friend would treat my new friends. If being cool is all you care about, maybe you should find some new 'cool' friends someplace else.”
Gilda ground her teeth (why does she have teeth and a beak? Maybe there's a book on Griffins at the library) and flared her wings before attempting to retort. “Oh yeah, well, you... you are such a flip-flop! Cool one minute and lame the next. If you decide not to be lame anymore, give me a call.” And with that she stomped off and slammed the door. The last we heard was an eagle's cry as she left.
“Not cool.”
“Wow,” Spike said. “Talk about a party pooper.” Every started murmuring and whispering to each other in agreement.
“I'm sorry everypony. For bringing Gilda here. I didn't know how rude she was. And Pinkie Pie?” Dash looked to Pinkie. “I'm really sorry she ruined that awesome party you put on for her. And Joe?”
“Don't mention it. Griffins are supposed to be predators. I should have known that would elicit an aggressive response.”
Pinkie nodded. “And if you wanna hang out with party poopers, that's your business.”
“I'd rather hang out with you,” Dash said. “Both of you. No hard feelings?”
“No hard feelings,” Pinkie affirmed, as I nodded in agreement. With that both Pinkie and Dash went for a hoofshake, but zapped each-other with hoof-buzzers instead, giving everyone a good laugh. As Pinkie and Twilight started talking, I walked over to Spike.
“Hey, Spike. What time are you heading for Canterlot tomorrow?”
“Actually, I'm going to be taking the last train in about a half an hour, why?” he replied.
“I'd like to go with you. I want to talk to Princess Celestia about something, and there's a shop she told me about in Canterlot I want to visit.”
“It's an overnight trip, and I don't think I'll be back until Monday.”
“I think I can handle it. It's only one day in Canterlot, after all.”
We shook on it, and Spike quickly wrote out the letter Twilight had just come up with, and sent along the disappearing ink bottle Pinkie handed him as well as the letter.
Just as we were about to leave, the reply came by Spike-mail and he handed it over before we headed for the train station. At the station, I expected some sort of trouble getting on, like in “Just For Sidekicks,” but Spike simply pulled out an official-looking document from his fire-based pocket dimension and the conductor pony simply let us on.