//------------------------------// // Prologue - I Blame The Stairs // Story: Turtle Troubles // by Dunsparce //------------------------------// Every time. Every single darn time. I’m laying on the floor of this stupid purple palace next to my old hag minion, Kammy Koopa, and I think my skull is cracked from being hit with a metal hammer ten times too many. Sir Jumps-A-Lot is off in the next room rescuing Peach, who should be mine, and I’m super hungry. It is at that this point in time I wish I had a bag of Fritos to distract me from my problems. I need to lose weight. “Lord Bowser,” Kammy begins to tell me, “I think we lost… again.” I feel like responding with “Really? Where’d ya get that idea, Einstein?” but I don’t have the strength to yell at this moment in time. I just excerpt a gigantic sigh of depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and worthlessness and growl very quietly as I look at my scaly hands. “Grrr…” I mumble as I clench my fist, “Why can’t I WIN!?” As I pound my fists into the stupid, purple carpet that I lay on, the ground begins to shake violently. Suddenly, my back pain is no more and my head feels as good as a sugar-rushed Amazy Dazy on a hot summer’s day. I pop up off of my bum and attempt to hold myself on my feet as the ground shakes. As I look around, Kammy still lies on the floor, her old, jittery voice vibrating along with her old, useless body. Suddenly, the earthquake begins to come to a sudden close as a stable myself on the ground. “Wow,” I say as I look to my hands, “did I do that? Dang, I should lift.” “Ouch.” I hear Kammy say from my right, who was flat on her stomach. “Kammy? You okay?” I ask. “If you count my back feeling like pudding and my nose crushed inside my face, yes, Your Ugliness, I’m okay.” “Well good!” I say as I put my arms to my hips. “Get up, then! We got a new plan to work up!” “Yes, Your Grusomeness.” Kammy says in response. She puts her hands on the ground and attempts to lift herself up, which works for about five centimeters before her face smacks back down on the ground. “I could use some help, though.” Suddenly, a scream erupts from the room where Fartio ran into earlier, and that scream is too familiar to not recognize: Princess Peach. Hey, don’t blame me! I’m the villain, I’ve heard those screams so many times it’s been engraved into my mind with a hammer… legitimately. “Woah! Was that Peach!?” I shout. “Kammy, you old hag, get up! We may still have time!” “Aye aye, Your Epicness!” Kammy says as she raises her fist in the air, still face first into the ground. I look forward into the dark room ahead and grow a big smile. After shuffling my foot back and forth on the ground like a bull, I charge with all my might toward the door, and in all reality that wasn’t very fast because, well, y’know, I’m a turtle. “PEACH, MY LOVELY, I’M COMING FOR Y- OH HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE STICKS!” I yell as the light clears the room for me, which I soon figure out is not actually a room, but a hallway. Before I know it, I’m staring directly at my second nemesis: stairs. I try to balance myself, but it is too late, for I already tripped on the edge of the stone slabs and I begin to tumble down the stairs with a beat so steady you could make a Lady GoomGoom song out of it. I'm legitimately falling for so long that I’m beginning to not only run out of negative words to think of, but I think I’m descending into the Underwhere. Who knows, maybe the Underwhere’s not that bad. Maybe Satan and I can make evil schemes together and have a blast... or at least I think that until I stop moving. Barely able to move, I look up to where I fell from, and I seriously can’t even see the top of the staircase. “Curse you, stairs!” I yell as I wave my fist in the air, “Just you wait until I get a Harmar SL350 Stair Lift! JUST YOU WAIT!” I stop my ranting as a flash of light catches my attention from behind. It was a bright light, but it was kind of a …dark…light. It’s like a flash of light, but in a dark shade? I dunno how to describe it. Behind me is this huge door with all these details I’m too lazy to pay attention to with that dark light stuff coming up from the bottom. So, naturally, my genius mind comes to the great conclusion that Peach is behind this door. As soon as it dings in my head, I waste no time at all deciding if it is a bad idea to rush into the room, which it is, and I rush into the room. “Have no fear, my princess, for I am-“ I halt my speech as I look around the room, which was a chamber, by the way; a chamber with a giant, shadowy demon lady thing with a crown possessing Princess Peach with obviously no chance of returning her to normal. Darn. I was really hoping this time that I would do it. I don’t think I’ve ever been more screwed in my life. “And who might you be to enter unattended into the realm of the Shadow Queen?” the demon says with a ridiculous, low voice. She seriously sounds just like my grandma. “Who? Me? Well, I’ll have you know, miss Shadow Queen, I am Bowser, epic and awesome king of the Koopas. You’ve probably heard of me, so I’ll spare you the epic backstory.” I say with pride. “Your arrogant personality displeases me, mortal. Do not tempt me to rid you of all consciousness like I have the others.” The Shadow Queen says as she points to the left. Suddenly, I feel a huge grin coming on as I see Mario, my undefeated worst enemy, and all of his dumb partners unconscious and lost on the ground in agonizing pain. I glance back at the Shadow Queen with a dumb smile. “Dude! Did you ACTUALLY wreck Mario!? Gosh! You’re my new best friend! You and I should come up with evil plans together!” I say with a chuckle. Wrong move. “You dare think you are an equal to me, weakling!?” The Shadow Queen pouts. “Woah there, lady! Weakling? I don’t think so! I’ll have you know that I am no weakling. Have YOU ever eaten a double cheeseburger in one bite? I don’t think so!” I retaliate as I cross my arms. Right now, I think I’m gonna die. I think I pulled her strings too hard and my legs begin to shake as I think “Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, PLEASE don’t kill me! I still haven’t had lunch!”. Surprisingly, all she does is chuckle. “Hmm… that is rather impressing.” She says as she puts her hand to her chin. “It… it is?” I ask nervously. “Quite, Mr. Bowser. How about we make a little proposition, hmm? You either serve me and put your skills to the test, or refuse and I banish you from my realm forever.” She asks. Really? Like, really!? It’s only obvious what my response is gonna be. Put my skills to the real test or be banished? Easy choice! “Serve YOU!?” I ask aggressively, “I don’t think so! I am a KING, Mrs. Purple-Glitter, and who you have there is my princess, so gimme.” “Hmm, hmm…” The Shadow Queen chuckles, “that is quite unfortunate. I will not tolerate this level of arrogance in my kingdom, Mr. Bowser. I believe it’s time for you to leave.” My heart sinks like an anchor when I see a huge ball of shadow form above possessed Peach’s head. It is only now I realize that she was dead serious all this time, and I suddenly regret everything that has ever happened in my life ever. “Savor your last moments, mortal! If you have any last words on this planet, say it to the face of your lost princess!” The Shadow Queen yells as Peach’s corrupted face looks down upon me. I can only think of one sentence. “Uhh… You’re hotter when you’re corrupted?” I say mindlessly. A few seconds later, the Shadow Queen throws the gigantic ball of shadow directly at my face, and all I can do is stand there like an idiot flailing my arms back and forth so quickly I feel like I can fly away. “BEGONE!” I hear the Shadow Queen shout from behind the ball of darkness, and in the span of a couple seconds, everything goes black and I can see no more... and I'm still hungry.