Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier
Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn
***
This was truly a glorious day for Prince Blueblood. As a prince of Equestria, born into the highest family of nobility, he had many duties before him. Such duties included setting an example for nobility by only tasting the finest foods and drinking the finest wine. He had to show others their place in this world; especially those commoners. And naturally, a prince’s duty was to serve any princess in dire peril. Looking into the mirror once more, he grinned at this reflection, taking notice of the slight glimmer in his perfect, white teeth. Reaching out for his breath spray, he spritzed a bit of mint into his mouth for a refreshing taste.
“Come on already! Will you hurry it up?” demanded the annoying pink one outside his room. He scoffed, but held his tongue for now. He only tolerated her because it was she who told him of the beautiful foreign princess from Saddle Arabia, who had been placed under some sleeping curse. His Aunt Luna had brought the princess to the castle to protect her from the evil witch who cast the sleep spell, and she had tasked him to be the one to awaken her.
Apparently, only a kiss from a true prince could awaken her from her eternal sleep; just like in the fairy tales. The pink one had told him that he was the only one who could save the princess, and he accepted the task without a second thought. After all, he was a brave and noble prince, loved by all. Why, even the fair ladies of Canterlot couldn’t help but run away from him, knowing that one look upon his handsome face would instantly melt their hearts with affection. It truly was great to be popular and noble.
Turning to his guide, Blueblood puffed out his chest and raise his chin. “Let us be off, pink one. The hero of the day is ready to save this poor princess from her ghastly fate!”
“Okay!” cheered the pink one, “follow me!”
He raised his eyebrow as she bounced into the hall, but shrugged off his dismay at such childish behavior and followed. They passed a few corridors before reaching what he recognized to be his Auntie Celestia’s room, much to his confusion. Before he could ask, the pink one suddenly dashed behind him and proceeded to blindfold his eyes. “W-what on earth are you doing?! Stop this!”
“Relax, Princy!” reassured the pink one. “This is going to be a surprise! It would be better if you kiss her first and see her face second!”
“But I—.” Before Blueblood could finish, he was shoved none too gently forward until he felt his front legs slam into what felt like the side of a bed. He felt around, trying to get a grip on where he was, until he felt the softest fur in his entire life. He gasped at the jolting, warm touch under his hooves, slowly recognizing it as a mare’s chest. With a lewd grin, Blueblood continued to spread his hooves around, feeling every inch of the princess’s smooth and delicate chest. Moving upwards, he felt her shoulders and soon was cupping the cheeks of her face.
Blueblood straightened himself and smiled. “And now my beloved princess, your curse shall be lifted!” He lowered his head, puckering his lips out to meet those of the Saddle Arabian princess. Their lips connected as Blueblood moaned in pleasure. Such taste! Truly divine!
As he continued to make out with the sleeping princess, he picked up a series of snorts and giggles. Snapping his head up, he growled. How dare somepony interrupt our moment!
He ripped off the blindfold with his magic, ready to give the interrupters a piece of his mind when his eyes gazed down at his ‘beloved’. His fur turned an even paler white as the blindfold fell to the floor, his magic grip fizzling away. His mouth slowly opened and closed as he pressed his hooves against his lips; lips he wished he could rip off and toss into a jar of acid. There was a princess that lay before him, but not one from Saddle Arabia.
“A-auntie... Celestia?” whispered Blueblood in horror as the realizations started seeping into his brain. “I... I just... I just kissed my own aunt! Augh!”
Screaming bloody murder, the prince fled through the halls, haunted by visions of his lips touching those of his own flesh and blood. His once pure lips had been soiled by the taste of impure behavior! He was soiled, tarnished! His perfect and virtuous image ruined! Not since the cake incident at the Grand Galloping Gala had he felt a need to throw himself off a cliff and let death take his soul away.
The prince continued to scream, shocking all who he ran into. The last anypony saw of Blueblood was him rushing out of the palace and towards Canterlot gates.
***
“Did you see his face! Gahaha!” cried out Rainbow Dash, holding her sides. “He looked like he was about to faint right there!”
“Tee hee!” giggled Pinkie Pie. “Too bad that idea didn’t work. I was sure a kiss from a prince would work like in those stories.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head, before picking up her camera off the floor. “Look at the bright side. We got some blackmail material for anypony who wants to see Prince Bluebutt embarrassed.”
At that same moment in Ponyville, a certain dressmaker suddenly felt as if her purse was going to get lighter in the near future.
***
If the artists of Canterlot could teach anypony a simple lesson, it was that the lifestyle was always a pain in the flank. On the off chance that you managed to make it in the world of art, you had to deal with tons of rivals who always tried to compete for your clients’ affections. Clients who held good money and prestige that could make you immortal in history, should you play your cards right. Naturally, the most highly valued clients were the princesses.
Every artist would gladly cut off their ears just to paint, sketch, or sculpt something for the royal family; even Blueblood was a welcomed subject, in spite his attitude. If you managed to create something that any of them liked, it was fame, fortune, and a golden future for you. Needless to say many artists were excited to learn that Princess Luna had requested all the top artists in their respective fields to come to the palace at once.
Inside the throne room, nearly fifty ponies of all three tribes were talking amongst one another while keeping a close eye on the competition. Numerous reporters were also there, hoping to find more news to scoop following the cute filly pictures of Princess Luna. Finally, a guard announced the arrival of the princess of the night, and all present bowed before her as she trotted forth.
“Good afternoon, artists of Canterlot!” Philomena greeted the gathered ponies with a smile on her face. “I have summoned you all here because I am in need of your expertise!” The crowd of anticipating artists smiled, some shaking so badly they lost their grip on their art tools. “You see, I too have decided that I wish to undertake the mastery of the arts. As such, I believe I have found a new painting style that I wish to share with you all so that future generations will be inspired.”
“Um, Princess Luna?” asked one unicorn with a gravel tool as his cutie mark. “Not all of us are painters, how are we supposed to help?”
“Well, any opinion is a good opinion, wouldn’t you say?” asked Philomena, tilting her head. The unicorn shrugged and put his hoof down. “Now then, follow me to where I have prepared everything.”
Leading the way, Princess Philomena ordered one of the guards to come to her side as they made their way through the halls. She quickly glanced at the crowd she was leading, noticing that most of them were whispering among themselves, questioning what sort of style the princess had created on her own. Smirking, she turned back to the guard and quietly asked, “Have you been keeping tabs on her?”
“We have,” answered the guard, nodding. “Last reports say that Philomena was headed towards a foals’ reading group.”
Philomena nearly paused in her step. Raising an eyebrow, she tried to think of how reading to children was going to be reputation-damaging. Surely there wasn’t anything wrong with reading, right? Unless... Her chest tightened in sudden fear.
“She’s not reading them anything...pornographic, is she?” asked Philomena, terrified of the idea of herself teaching foals the birds and the bees. She let out a sigh of relief when the guard shook his head. “But then what is she reading them? Scientology, by Ron Hoofard? Cockatrice Soup? That sparkling vampire series?”
“I don’t know, it looked to be some red colored book with a yellow star on it,” answered the guard. “Probably something about stars and planets and such.”
Before Philomena could question him further, the group of artists and Luna arrived at one of the castle ballrooms. Pushing the doors open, she walked inside with everypony else. The artists immediately took notice of the multiple paint cans and the walls that had been covered in thick white sheets. The imposter Princess Luna strode to the middle as she took an open can of orange paint and poured it onto a paint roller tray.
Turning to the group she said, “Now, I want you to watch carefully! This is my new art style and it shall revolutionize the world!”
Every artist leaned forward in anticipation while the reporters took out their cameras and held their quills at the ready. Philomena turned around and grinned, anticipating the look on their faces as she slowly lowered her rump. The eager smiles on the watching crowd slowly disappeared to confusion and then utter shock as Philomena carefully, and slowly, began to use her rear as if it was a paint roller. Everypony’s art tools fell to the floor with their jaws. Some tried to say something, but were hushed by their neighbors as all eyes were fixated on the royal plot slowly turning orange as it swished back and forth; even the guards couldn’t help but stare.
Remembering what they were, the reporters snapped out of it first and began to write down everything they could possibly put into words. Already they could see the money fall from the sky at the thought of the front page news: “Princess Luna invents butt-art!” A few were even planning on secretly selling some extra photos to local adult magazines for quick cash.
Feeling she had painted her arch-enemy’s rump enough, Philomena then made her way to the papered walls and splattered her backside against it. A few artists fainted as they watched Princess Luna’s rump bump, splat, and even swipe across the white sheets of paper in ways that were both provocative and horrifying to the mortal eye. Philomena would go back and rub her rump on more colors such as red, blue, black, brown, purple and more until nearly half the room was covered in splattered paint, most of the images being shapely flanks.
Dripping, and with a multicolored behind, Princess Luna turned to the pale artists. “So? What do you think?! Is this not the most amazing style you have ever seen?”
There was a long silence amongst the crowd of ponies who felt torn between two answers. Normally, one doesn’t tell a princess that something they’re doing is wrong. It was unfathomable. Yet if they agreed to this... abominable style, then it would spread like wildfire across Equestria and surely cause the downfall of modern art. Already, artists were planning to chalk up the news of Princess Luna’s new technique as insanity so that none would have to deal with her ever again.
Philomena, struggling to keep down a knowing smirk, tilted her head and asked ‘innocently’, “Do... do you not like it?”
The relief was palpable as the assembled ponies were spared having to answer. The doors burst open, a guard pony galloping in, his chest heaving. “Princess! Come quick! The castle is under attack!”
Everypony gasped. Philomena jerked her head back in shock, stammering, “W-what?”
“We don’t have time!” shouted the guard, looking about him like a monster was about to leap out and swallow him whole. “They arrived so suddenly and took us all by surprise! I don’t know how many of them there are! They’re all screaming about a revolution to overthrow the government!”
“Who?! Who is it?!” demand Philomena, eyes darting about to find the nearest escape route.
“Well, the funny thing is they’re all foaaaugh!” he cried out as a water balloon suddenly smacked him on the back of the head. Two small figures with rope darted through the doors and wrapped it around his legs, sending him crashing to the ground.
Everypony stared in shock at the two foals, each wearing red face paint and screaming, “Revolution! Revolution! Down with the nobles!”
“... what?” asked Philomena, tilting her head in disbelief.
One of the foals glanced up at her while he and his partner were busy hogtying the guard. “Surrender, Princess Luna! For too long, us farmers, laborers, and lower class ponies have had to give our sweat, tears, and blood to a corrupted nobility! You and your greedy filth have taken advantage of us little ponies for far too long! But Great Leader Philomena has taught us the truth of this capitalist plot to see class inequality last forever! United as one class, we shall make it so that all ponies are equal and create a true utopia!”
“... again, what?” asked Philomena. This is the enemy that has decided to attack us? Foals? Wait, did he just say Philomena? Slowly more and more foals, dressed in war paint and some carrying a red flag with a sickle and feather crossing one another, hurtled into the ballroom through doors, windows, and in the case of one particularly small filly, the floor vents. The symbol was enough to make her remember what it was associated with and her thoughts turned back to the book that Philomena had been reading to them. One that was bright red with a yellow star. Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Colt Marx?! Really?!
“Attack, comrades! For the revolution!” shouted the foal.
“For the revolution!” they screamed together as they charged forward with baseball bats, dodgeballs, paintball guns, squirt guns, water balloons and other children’s toys. The guards and artists both were helpless against the veritable swarm of fillies and colts who swarmed in and started jumping on the poor adults, who couldn’t find it in them to strike foals. Philomena took to the air, desperate to escape, but was grounded by a hail of rocks, small toys, and whatever else the foals could hurl at her with their slingshots. The young pegasi took to the air and started spitting on her, much to her disgust.
She scrambled to her hooves and dashed out the room, continuing her escape through the halls. The walls were stained with hoof paint, the floor littered with muddy hoofprints; Philomena couldn’t help but pity the castle cleaning service that would take hours cleaning the mess, even with magic. Glancing past the windows as she fled, she saw the guards and other nobles who hung around the palace also being assaulted by the little demons. They were tying them up and forcing them to eat broccoli, drawing funny marks on their faces, screaming in high pitched voices that made them cover their ears, all while ruining their clothes and stealing their bits.
How many foals were at this reading thing?! All of Canterlot?! thought Philomena as she watched a pair of tied up guards being given wet willies in their ear. Equestria’s finest can’t even handle a bunch of brats?! Turning a corner, she came to a sudden halt in mid air upon seeing three large toy cannons aimed at her.
“Fire!”
Thick purple wads shot out and slammed her against the wall, the sticky goo pinning herself in place. Philomena tried to pull herself free, but it was too strong. An overwhelming odor of grape filled her nostrils; it was chewing gum.
“Having fun?”
Philomena opened her eyes to none other than herself, wearing an ushanka with the sickle and feather cross in the middle. The foals cheered and gathered under the waving Philomena. “We did it, Great Leader Philomena! We have overthrown the tyrannical Princess Luna!”
“Excellent work, comrades! Now we all know what we must do next, right?” said Great Leader Luna as she gave a sweating Philomena a sinister grin.
The foals all cried out various answers:
“Give her a swirly!”
“Make her eat paste!”
“Pee on her!”
“Cover her in leeches!”
“Sacrifice her soul to the almighty dark one, Salugha, so that he may rise from his eternal slumber and usher in his thousand year kingdom of darkness and insanity! Let all the heretics burn for their doubts! BURN!”
Everypony stared at the foal who suggested this, slowly stepping away from him. He looked around asking, “What? That’s what my parents do when they play Call of Ponthulu.”
“Anyway...” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Those are all very good suggestions, but I have a better idea!” She plucked one of her feathers off. “Find a feather and tickle the tyrant into submission! Aim for the back of her neck, that’s her weak spot!”
“Yeah!” cried out the foals as they removed the struggling Philomena, still covered in sticky gum, from the wall and dragged her down the halls.
“Luna!” shouted Philomena, not even caring about appearances anymore. “You can’t keep this up forever!”
“Don’t worry! They’ve only got two hours until their parents have to pick them up back at the library,” shouted back Luna. “That should be plenty of time for “Philomena” to parade around with her “army” and proclaim herself ruler.”
Before she was carried around the corner, Philomena, for the first time, unleashed the might of the Royal Canterlot Voice. “LUUUUNNNNAAAA!”
***
“Did you hear something?” asked Pinkie as she continued flicking a feather on Princess Celestia’s face. The princess’s forehoof quickly reacted and slapped at her face, but the eyes of the sun-raiser were still shut. “Sounds like something crazy is going on out there.”
“Eh, this place always has something crazy going on; more so than usual, these days,” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging her shoulders. She sat down and yawned. “Man, I’m getting tired. Who would’ve thought waking up a semi-comatose princess was such hard work. Let’s take a break.”
“Okay!” Pinkie Pie tossed the feather away and sat down next to Dash. She pulled out a scroll and unrolled it, licking her lips in concentration. “Wowie-zowie, we’ve gone through nearly the entire list already!”
“Let me see that,” said Rainbow Dash, taking the scroll, her eyes scanning it. “Water in the face. Party poppers. Alarm clock. Banging pots. Banging pots with head covered by a pot. Dubstep. Farting in the face. Cowbell. Screeching in the ear. Belly tickling. More cowbell. Smelling salts. Geez, we really have done nearly everything...”
“Yup, and poor Princess Celestia is still sleeping in dreamland.” Pinkie pointed to the peacefully slumbering princess who, despite being abused terribly without her knowledge, looked no less radiant than before.
Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin. “You know... I wonder what she’s dreaming about that’s keeping her so calm anyway. Knowing her she’s probably just sitting on her throne, drinking tea, and watching everypony play around and frolick....”
***
“Incoming!”
The concussive blast from the mortar shells nearly knocked Celestia off her hooves, but she managed to find her balance and duck into the nearby fox hole. Lifting her assault rifle, she sprayed down a continuous amount of covering gunfire as her fellow marines continued pushing further into no-man’s land. Yet for every inch of ground they gained, they lost more and more good ponies in the assault.
“Commander Celestia!”
Looking behind her, Celestia saw Captain Sparkle rush towards her position, using a shield spell to block incoming fire. When the unicorn hunkered down by her side and caught her breath, Celestia shouted for her to report while putting a fresh clip into her rifle. “Ma’am! We’ve managed to penetrate the enemy front lines! Captain Rainbow Dash and Lieutenant Rarity have also arrived with reinforcements, while Lieutenant Pie is laying down suppressive fire with artillery!”
“What about Captain Applejack and Lieutenant Fluttershy?!” demanded Celestia, ducking as a loose bullet grazed her ear. The solemn shake of Twilight’s head only made the commander curse. “Alright, tell Bravo and Delta Teams to regroup on our position. We’re gonna take over that bunker if it’s the last thing we—”
Before Commander Celestia could finish, a small, green pineapple-shaped object landed between the two. Gasping, Celestia shouted, “Grenade!”
The two dove out of the way as it detonated, sending debris and dirt everywhere. The ringing in Celestia’s ears made her almost want to take her combat knife and cut them off, but after a few moments she managed to stabilize her hearing. Reaching for her helmet, the commander looked around before noticing the motionless body of her Captain. “Twilight!”
She crawled towards her most loyal of marines and turned her over, nearly puking at the amount of blood and burn marks on her body. Gasping for air, Twilight looked at her commander and held her hoof, squeezing it tightly.
“Hang on, soldier! I’m gonna get a medic here, don’t you die on me!” shouted Celestia, holding back her tears.
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...” whispered Twilight before she shut her eyes and breathed her last.
“No...” muttered Celestia who looked at her fallen comrade. She pulled her head back and shouted, “Nooooooooo!”
She fought back the tears as much as she could as she slowly placed Twilight on the ground. Growling, she reached out with her magic for her gun, picking it up while ripping out a nearby machine gun mounted in the trench. Slowly rising to all fours, she took her bloodstained hooves and smeared Twilight’s blood across her face, daring her enemies to face her without fear in their hearts. Focusing on the bunker that she and her forces had been trying to take over for the past three hours, Celestia let out a cry and galloped forward, firing both guns at the same time.
“Come and face me, you motherbuckers!”
***
“I’m sure that no matter what dream she’s having, it’s nice and peaceful,” commented Pinkie Pie, giggling as Celestia’s smirk grew even wider in her sleep.
“I guess. So what’s next on list?” asked Rainbow Dash, looking at the scroll. “Lighting her mane on fire? Huh, guess we’ll get to see if that mane of hers is real or not.”
***
Failure. For the first time in her entire life, she had failed to get a prank done. It was ironic that the one who had managed to ruin her two hundred year streak of unstoppable pranks was none other than the one she pranked most. Luna had gotten close before, admittedly improving over time, but now Philomena was forced to deal with the aftermath of her failure as she sat upon the throne once more, still damp from the vigorous cleaning it took remove the gum.
Specifically, annoying parents who wouldn’t shut up.
“That bird of Celestia’s has corrupted my poor baby! She speaks of nothing but revolutions and state power now!”
“My son called me a fat capitalist pig who feeds on the blood of innocent, hard workers!”
“That bird needs to be hunted down and put in a cage!”
“No! Put her on the bloody moon!”
On and on they went, nagging to her about how ‘Philomena’ was a threat to society and her influence would cause the downfall of the next generation. Of course, Philomena was more worried about herself than their children. Not only had Luna managed to hurt her reputation by making both pets and ponies hate her, but she had completely dwarfed her own attempts to ruin the moon princess’s reputation. All while being forced to endure a tickle torture that nearly made her pass out.
Oh, I will get my revenge. This day isn’t over yet, dear Luna, and I will make your reputation suffer in the end! thought Philomena. When the grumbling of the crowd of ponies began to dwindle, Philomena cleared her throat. “Yes, I understand. I shall see to Philomena’s punishment later. Now, please be off.”
The angry parents said a few more words before slowly leaving one by one. Sighing in relief, Philomena got off her throne, joining a member of the Night Guard as he accompanied her towards the corridor. “Has there been any sign of her?”
“Sorry, Your Majesty. But nopony’s seen Philomena yet,” growled the guard. “Trust me, everypony in this entire castle wants to take that bird and turn her into ashes just so they can kill her again.”
Philomena gulped. Contrary to popular belief, being reborn wasn’t as fun as it sounded. She’d take a full week of tickle tortures before going through another of those regenerations so soon after her latest one. Note to self: after retrieving my body, I should take a long vacation to Vanhoofer.
“Anyway, Princess Luna, don’t worry about finding the phoenix; we’ll keep a sharp lookout for her. In the meantime, you should get to the Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser as soon as possible,” said the guard.
Philomena eyes widened and a smile stretched across her face. “I totally forgot about the ice cream fundraiser! I’ve been waiting to go all year with Cele-wait...”
She wanted to slap herself with her wing. Ugh, she’s still asleep! Worst of all, I’m in this body instead of my own! How could this get worse...
“Well, yes it was supposed to be a surprise. After all, this would be your first time going and Celestia was very excited at the thought of going with you,” said the guard.
Philomena felt her body suddenly chill. Wait... Luna was going to come too?! But... but it’s always been the two of us! Her shock soon made way for anger as Philomena growled to herself, wings flaring. The guard stepped back in shock, but Philomena didn’t care. Luna! Luna! Luna! Why does she have to be involved in everything we do now?! I wish I could just... wait a minute...
A thought suddenly lit up in her mind as she slowly developed a wicked smile. “Guard, this charity fund, can anypony donate treats? Even me?”
The night guard regained his composure and rubbed his chin. “Well, I suppose you could enter. Do you have something in mind that you wish to create?”
“Oh... I may have something...” said Philomena, rubbing her front hooves.
***
Luna had tasted victory before. She and her sister had taken on many evils in the past and defeated them all. Yet none of them compared to the wonderful feeling of triumph against Philomena. From what she had heard, her little plan to use the foals as mini-communist revolutionaries managed to interrupt Philomena’s own efforts to ruin her reputation. It made her nearly sick at the thought that her rump was used in such a grotesque way, but that was behind them now.
Yet despite this success, she knew Philomena would want payback by any means. Unfortunately, Luna was slowly realizing the fallout of her little coup, having been spotted by a few of the staff and chased nearly all over the castle. Because of the big target on her head, Luna had no choice but to hide and duck under cover as she continued to fly around the halls. Everypony, from the janitors to the guards, was searching for, in their words, “That Tartarus-spawned bird that I’ll strangle with a spiked chain and rip the feathers off of one by one, until I can make a coat out of them.” That one guard seemed particularly spiteful, in retrospect.
While she was glad ponies were finally seeing the infernal phoenix for what she truly was, Luna would rather have watched this inside her own body, not Philomena’s. I just have to make her crack. To give up and admit her faults! thought Luna as she hid inside the helmet of an abandoned set of knight armor.
After watching a pair of guards pass her location, Luna lifted the helmet up and flew on. Now where should I go if I want to find the latest gossip in the palace? Of course! The kitchens!
Destination set, Luna flew as fast she could towards the direction of the kitchens and saw the already open for her to fly through. When she entered the room, she was surprised by what could only be described as carnage. The entire kitchen looked like a warzone. Empty milk and ice cream cartridges were scattered all over the floor, some chocolate and others vanilla. The walls were painted with ice cream, sprinkles, and other ingredients. Dirty bowls overflowed all sixteen sinks and there was icing everywhere of flavors varying from strawberry to banana.
Before Luna could ponder more on the mystery before her, she heard hoofsteps coming into the kitchen and quickly flew into an open cabinet, slowly closing it just enough for her to peek through. Two unicorns in chef attire walked in, covered in frosting and cake batter.
One of them sat down and took off his chef’s hat to use as a fan. “Faust, that was a hassle. I’ll never complain about Princess Celestia’s cake orders again if it means never doing another order for Princess Luna.”
“Seriously, a hundred cakes in three hours? I can’t help but feel proud of that accomplishment,” said the other chef, puffing his chest out.
“I wonder what that special ingredient was that Luna wanted us to put in it - and where did she get so much of the stuff anyway?”
“Who knows? What the princess wants, she gets.”
A hundred cakes? pondered Luna, trying to figure out Philomena’s plan. What does she need them for?
The chef sitting down soon got up and made his way towards one of the freezer and waved his friend over. “Hey, check this out. I managed to quickly slice a piece off for us.”
His friend didn’t look too happy as he sternly hissed, “Dude! That was for the charity at the Hoofgen Dazs ice cream factory! That’s messed up!”
“It was only one slice! And besides, I’m curious about how it tastes.”
Philomena opened the door a bit wider as the chef with the cake levitated a bite into his mouth and started to chew. He gave a satisfied “hmm” and continued to eat the sweet dessert. Suddenly, he stopped, his eyes nearly popping out of his sockets. The cake fell to the floor as he started convulsing, back legs crossing as his forehooves held his stomach. He grunted and squealed in pain, his butter-yellow coat slowly turning an unhealthy shade of green.
“Dude, what’s wrong?!” asked his horrified friend.
“Ba... ba...”
“Yeah?!”
The groaning chef jumped up and screamed, “Bathroom!” He pushed his friend away and made a beeline for the nearby restrooms, slamming the door shut. Much to his friend’s, and Luna’s, disgust, the sound of his unfortunate state could be heard inside the kitchen. “Oh Faust! It’s like lava coming out of my butt!”
Luna shook her head and nearly gagged, only to gasp when she realized that there were at least a hundred of those cakes filled with whatever was making the chef physically ill. If Philomena plans to sell those at the charity, it will look like I made everypony eat the poisoned cakes, and then...
With no time to spare, Luna flew out of the cabinet and down the halls like a streak of red fire. The healthy chef spotted her for a second, but quickly returned his focus to his friend who screamed for a merciful death instead of the pain he was going through.
***
The annual Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser was one of the most anticipated events in Canterlot. Not only did the fundraiser take place in the ice cream factory itself, but from beginning to end there was an unlimited supply of free ice cream. Naturally, this attracted many families and ice cream lovers from all corners of Equestria. The brightly colored banners, endless concession stands and games, and even the creepy-yet-funny-looking ice cream cone mascots could make anypony smile.
Philomena was one of those smiling as she watched her guards continue to unload the various ice cream cakes she had the chefs make in record time. She watched as the visitors of the convention pointed and whispered in excitement. Not only was their ‘princess’ treating them, but the fact that each cake looked so divine and so delicious that everypony looked ready to dive in and fight for even a lick of the frosting. They won’t be smiling for long once they realize these cakes are laxative-flavored. The moment everypony starts loosening their bowels, Luna’s reputation is sure to go, shall we say, down the toilet?
Her stand was a simple one with just her name in blue and a few star cutouts from paper, but it didn’t matter. After all, when you were ‘Princess Luna,’ you were going to get attention no matter what. Philomena counted the cakes and noticed they were halfway setup. Won’t be long now....
“What is this?!”
Philomena’s ears went up as she turned around and saw a familiar unicorn pony stomping angrily towards her stand. Colgate pushed her snout into Luna’s and growled, “What the hay, Princess Luna! You supported my request to lower sugar and sweetening food for the sake of foals’ dental health, and now you’re serving them dessert?! What kind of backstabbing is this?!”
“Oh right, that dentist who had the slides and those sock puppets telling about the ‘evils of plaque,’” said Philomena nonchalantly. “What are you doing here?”
“I come every year with my protest group to tell Hoofgen Dazs to shut down their teeth-rotting garbage that is ruining the molars of today’s youth!” proclaimed Colgate, lifting her head proudly.
Luna looked behind the crazed dentist, but saw nopony except for a few confused bystanders. “And... where is your group of protesters?”
“Oh, they told me they were going to scout the place. Find the best locations so that the voice of the voiceless shall be heard! It’s good to have loyal friends such as them.”
***Meanwhile***
“Say, Berry?” asked Cheerilee, taking a moment to break away from her triple scoop sherbet cone. “Think you can pass me the chocolate sprinkles when you're done?”
Berry Punch nodded and hoofed them over before digging into her banana split with extra cherries. Lyra and Bon-Bon were coming back from the concession stands with their own ice creams, and sat down with their friends at the table. Lyra levitated a spoon, while asking, “Hey, girls? Do you ever free guilty that we’re taking advantage of Colgate’s crazed dentist protests every year?”
“Please, I need an excuse like this to get away from the school every so often,” said Cheerliee, taking a bit bite. “Besides, think of it this way: we’re sacrificing our teeth so that the foals won’t eat the ice cream they could be given.”
Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at each other before shrugging and dug into their desserts heartily, Bon-Bon asking, “Think we can get her to start protesting at Horshey’s Park in Fillydelphia?”
***
Philomena continued to look at her hoof dully as Colgate rambled on about her supposed betrayal. Turning her head, she noticed that her guards were taking the distraction as a chance for a break, some of them even looking at the cakes with obvious desire. She quickly put a stop to their actions, shouting, “Hey! No slacking off, and no eating the cakes! Back to work!” She then pointed to a still talking Colgate. “And get her out of here. I’m tired of listening to her rant. She’s worse than a Discordian Witness.”
The guards grumbled a bit, but went back to their labor. Two of them broke from the line and started dragging Colgate towards the exit as she screamed, “Traitor! Backstabber! You’re as rotten as the teeth that you only help promote! You have not heard the last of meeeee!”
Philomena rolled her eyes and continued to watch her workers press on. I really need to find more phoenixes to hang out with. Ponies are just plain crazy.
***
Luna had never thought she had missed the power of teleportation so badly as she did traveling to the factory. Granted, a phoenix could teleport, but Luna didn’t have the time to figure out her new innate powers. Arriving just near the side gates of the giant factory, she hid behind a trash can and started looking for an entrance inside. She cursed, seeing all the doors either fortified with chains or protected by security, not to mention all the windows that were shut tightly.
I have to find a way in, but how? thought Luna. The sound of a disturbance near the side entrance, as she saw two guards dragging a kicking and screaming blue unicorn, caught her attention. They tossed her over the wall with their magic where she landed in the garbage dump just across the street from the factory. Curious, Luna flew over where she asked, “You okay?”
Colgate spat out a rotten banana peel while rubbing her ear free from weeks-old cabbage. “I’m fine, no thanks to that backstabbing Princess Luna!”
“You saw... uh, the princess?” asked Luna.
“Yeah,” muttered Colgate looking up and noticing the phoenix for the first time. “Hey, aren’t you Princess Celestia’s bird? When could you talk?”
“Uh, trade secret,” lied Luna, scratching her neck. “A-anyway, you angered the princess?’
Colgate crossed her forelegs and scoffed. “No, she angered me! I’m going to get back in there and ruin her parade before she can sell any of those teeth-ruining cakes!”
The mentioning of the word ‘cakes’ made Luna stand up straight. Clearing her throat, she said, “Look, um...”
“Colgate.”
“Colgate. I’m also trying to stop Princess Luna from giving those cakes out. I propose we work together to stop her. Partners?” proposed Luna, holding her wing out.
Colgate raised an eyebrow and looked at the wing before carefully glaring at Luna. “Answer just one question...”
“Um, okay?”
“Do you brush your teeth twice a day?!” demanded Colgate pointing her hoof at the bird.
Luna paused. “But I don’t have any-”
“Answer the question!”
Luna eyed the glaring teeth-obsessed unicorn and slowly started to regret her choice. “Um, yes?”
Colgate instantly smiled and shook her wing. “Excellent! Allow me to call you my comrade in dental care!”
“Uh, sure,” muttered Luna.
Colgate jumped to the top of the dumpster on both rear legs and stood up tall. Pointing to the sky, she proclaimed, “Watch out, all you sugar snacks and rotten gums! The Dynamic Duo of Dentistry shall brush away all plaque in the name of justiiiiiiice!”
Luna winced as Colgate lost her balance and fell into the dumpster again. Shaking her head, she thought, What have I gotten myself into?