I woke up, severely hung over. There arose a terrible banging sound from somewhere in the house, followed by the crash of a door being kicked in. Still drunk from the night before, I couldn't make myself care that my home was being invaded. Instead, I grabbed the half-empty bottle of whiskey and cradled it. They could take anything they wanted, but the whiskey was mine. There arose some unholy shrieking from the hallway, followed by a terrible banging noise headed towards the kitchen. It sounded like the world was coming to an end in my dining room as the shriek sounded once more. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I wasn't able to pin it down. The banging noise began to head towards my bedroom, the shriek piercing the silence again. It almost sounded like my name... my door crashed inwards in slow motion as the orange demon made its entrance. Each hoof fall echoed like a gunshot in my head, the shrieking noise threatening to split my head like a melon. A blur of movement as the orange thing advanced on me with terrible speed, coming to rest just in front of me. Terrible golden lights bored into my skull through my eyes, sending a shock through my system.
Wait. Golden orbs. Orange demon. Calling my name. Grace?
Cracking open eyes which had crusted shut, I took a better look at the creature next to me. Yeah, it was Grace, but she looked funny. Why were there two of her? Oh, wait... never mind, I was still drunk. As my brain started to function again, my ears started to make sense of the shrieking noise. She was calling my name, asking if I was okay. I raised a hoof to shush her, allowing my precious bottle to clatter to the floor. She saw it, and then everything devolved into a blur of movement, noises, painful lights, water, and finally coffee. By the time everything stopped spinning, I had a pretty good idea what had happened. Seeing me in such a sorry drunken state, Grace had dragged me out of the bed and chucked me into a cold shower to sober me up. It had worked somewhat, and I was feeling only slightly buzzed as I downed my coffee. Sitting at the dining room table with the empty shot glasses scattered about, my resolution from the night before came ringing in my ears.
I felt nausea rising in me, not entirely the byproduct of my binge drinking. As I thought about what I was about to do, I felt emotionally sick. I loathed what I was preparing to say to Grace. She's a nice mare, and she didn't deserve what I was about to say to her, but it was the only way to drive her away. This would hurt less than a lifetime with me. It was for her own good. She was in the midst of a halfhearted lecture about alcohol abuse when I interrupted her. Her little half-smile that she'd worn as she lectured me was soon wiped away.
"Oh my Luna, do you ever shut up? Seems like all you ever do is yammer on about some idiotic thing or another. Is it too much to ask for some peace and fucking quiet?"
Dead silence was the only response. I grimaced, the way I'd just spoken to her had actually caused me a physical discomfort. Grace's smile became a mask of shock and then one of deep hurt, her lips drawn into a thin line as she fought tears. A moment later she spoke up, her voice cracked with emotion.
"Timber Blaze. You might be hungover, but that was very rude and hurtful, and I want an apology."
Dear Luna, please forgive me for what I am about to say.
"Apology? Fuck that. How about you apologize to me for raping my ears with your stupidity? I've been trying to get away from you ever since I met you, but here you are."
I wanted to die right then. I hated myself more than I thought possible for what I was doing to Grace, for making her cry. I felt my emotions writhing within me, threatening to spill over and wash away my resolve. Silently, I begged her to leave. Just leave before it gets worse, before my resolve fails me. Before I decide to ruin your life by becoming part of it.
Please, just leave.
Tears ran down her face and her voice cracked. I felt my anger building as I raged against myself. She spoke up very softly, though her tone was unwavering; her message was a bar of iron wrapped in silk.
"I don't know what's gotten into you today, but you are not the Tim that I know. The Tim I know could never be so cruel. He made me laugh, not cry. What happened to my Tim?"
This was it. I was breaking under the strain, tearing myself apart from the inside out at what I was doing. If I didn't end this now, I would crumble. Taking the self loathing and hatred from deep inside me, I vented it onto the pony who deserved it least.
Luna, please understand why I do this. I know I won't live through the night, so please enfold me into your bosom, have mercy upon my damned wretched soul.
"Don't you get it? I don't like you, I never fucking did! All I want is for you to get the fuck out of my home, out of my life, and out of my head! Fucking go! Leave me the fuck alone and find another pony to pity, I'm through with you, you bit... bitch."
The last word died on my tongue, and it was all I could do to force it out. When I'd told her to leave me alone, I'd punctuated my demand with a hoof slammed into the table. By the end, I was burying my face in my hooves trying to hide my tears. All of my anger had turned me inside out, leaving me twisted, contorted, and confused.
Please... just leave. I'm sorry, but it's better than wasting your life with me.
The dead silence was marred by the sound of a chair being withdrawn from the table as Grace took to her hooves. She walked away in silence. I wanted to smile, knowing that she would be better off without me, but I also wanted cry as I thought of how I'd hurt her and what I'd just let walk out of my life. I was spent emotionally and mentally, and I'd be riding the buckshot express into the next life by nightfall. I had lost my will to be, and I smirked at the irony. Part of the reason I'd done this was because if I'd grown attached to her and lost her, I would have been in exactly this state of mind. It would seem that I liked her more than I realized, and that driving her away like I did had sapped me of my last reserves. Too late now...
The sound of steps halted at the junction of the dining room and the hallway to the front door.
"Timber. I don't know what happened to you, why you're acting this way. If you meant what you said, and you really want me out of your life forever, just tell me and you'll never see me again. Otherwise, you have some explaining to do."
Please. You'll throw away you your whole life.
"Well Timber?"
Please.
She started to turn around, heading for the door.
"Please."
Grace stopped dead in her tracks, pivoting once again to face me. "What was that?"
"Please. I... I like you." My resolve had crumbled and fallen away, the voice of hope in my head breaking through the rubble to make itself known.
Her voice dripped with anger and hurt as she responded. "Oh, do you now? You have a really sick way of showing it. I don't know what you were thinking, but you have one minute to explain yourself."
I couldn't think, couldn't put the right words together in my head in a way that sounded right. So instead of thinking, I just spoke.
"I'm afraid. I'm afraid for you and of you. I like you. You make me happy, you keep away the nightmares, and I don't want to hurt you. But if you stay with me, I know that I will. I was trying to make you leave me before I hurt you. I'm a big bag of fucked up pony, and you deserve better than me. I don't trust myself and I don't want you to either. I'm afraid to care for you, because if I care about you and I lose you then I'll lose the last bit of myself too. I don't even think it matters anymore..."
I was staring at the floor as I spoke, tears falling from my face for the first time since Quill died. Silence, colder than an arctic night, was the only reply for a long moment.
"So you like me. And you didn't want to hurt me, so you said terrible, hurtful things to me? Trying to drive me away so you couldn't hurt me worse than that? You are a big, dumb ball of pony... but you have a good heart, even if you are horribly misguided."
I nodded at the floor. She'd never forgive me for this. As soon as she walked out, I would head to the bedroom, finish the bottle of whiskey, and suck-start my shotgun. My silence was met be her response, filling in the gap.
"You wanted to make me happy by trying to drive me away? Well, I hate to break it to you, pony. You failed,"
I knew it. Time to rinse my mouth with buckshot...
"You failed, because I'm not going anywhere. You know I don't give up that easily, especially not when it comes to you." Her steps began to draw nearer. "Now, what I want from you is an apology. Look me in the eye and apologize. And so help you, you'd better mean it."
She was standing directly in front of me now. Raising my head, I stared into her beautiful golden eyes. The spark was still there, perhaps even stronger than before, but the fear was gone. I felt hope and I felt shame, but I no longer feared those eyes. My redemption was nigh.
"Grace, I... I'm sorry. For everything. For what I said to you, and what I tried to do to... us. I'm truly sorry. I just... I was afraid. I still am, really. You make me feel things that I don't know how to deal with. All I do is cause pain wherever I go, and I didn't want to drag you into this with me. I'm sorry."
Her gaze softened a bit, though tears still threatened to spill. Then, she did the most wonderful thing possible; she smiled at me.
"Apology accepted. Now that that's out of the way, tell me I'm pretty." She smiled wider still, batting her eyelashes at me in jest.
I leveled a deadpan stare at her, something that was really easy to do in my current state of emotional whiplash. "Sorry, can't do that. I can't lie to you."
Her eyes went wide in shock.
"Grace, you aren't pretty. You are the single most beautiful mare I've ever seen." I held my blank stare for as long as I could, but I could feel the edges of my mouth beginning to curl in a smile.
Her shock was in the midst of giving way to anger before she melted back into a smile. Then, she did something that took me totally by surprise. She embraced me. After a moment of confusion, I returned the embrace. It felt strange at first, but also nice. It felt... right. This was something that I had never felt before, but I figured I could get used to it pretty quickly. Leaning into the embrace, I found myself nuzzling her neck, eliciting a giggle from the once-again perky mare. The warming feelings spreading throughout my chest were suddenly interrupted by a soft thump on the back of my head. I leaned back quizzically to figure out why I'd been struck. Rather, I tried to. The mare that had assaulted me whilst embracing me refused to let me go, maintaining her proximity to me as she whispered in my ear.
"That was for calling me names, you jerk. I forgive you, but it still hurt. I hurt you back, now we're even."
"Truce?" I hugged her a little tighter as I said it, still in disbelief that she hadn't left me. I squeezed her to make sure that she was really there, that this wasn't some horribly fucked up dream.
She squeezed me back, adding in an affectionate nuzzle for good measure. "Truce."
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Two month's time had seen incredible changes take place in our lives, as Grace and I grew closer to one another. My nightmares had all but vanished, and the pleasant dreams were becoming more common. A month ago we'd become lovers, the result of a rather amusing series of events stemming from my obliviousness to her advances. Since that evening, I'd never spent a night alone, and the nightmares had fallen off to nothing. To celebrate our one month anniversary, we decided to attend the Summer Sun Celebration in Canterlot. The festivities there went on for a full week prior to the Solstice, with the raising of the sun kicking off a celebration that lasted throughout the night.
It had been a week of food, fun, and laughter, and not even the sight of my old barracks could bring back the flashbacks. The raising of the sun was met by a raucous cheer from the crowd as the capstone of jubilation kicked off. We'd plied the fairgrounds outside the city where a carnival had been set up, riding rides and eating funnel cakes until it was hard to walk straight. I'd even managed to win Grace a large stuffed banana, sporting maracas and a sombrero, from one of the booths. Every part of the day had been so incredible, filled with such laughter and happiness that the war seemed like a distant memory, a nearly forgotten remnant from another life. As the sun began to fall and night started to take its hold, I felt a strange anxiety building in my chest. Seeing ponies gathered by the dozens on the shore of the lake in the palace gardens, I felt sudden comprehension drop like a ball of ice into my stomach.
"Grace, we have to leave. Now." My voice was full of an anxiety that I'd thought I'd never feel again, and she responded with mild alarm.
"What? Why? We'll miss the fireworks if we leave now... are you feeling okay?"
I shook my head, feeling a panic rising in me. "No, we have to leave now. Please Grace, we need to go."
Seeing my distress, she simply nodded and followed my lead as I made a hasty exit. The sun was kissing the horizon as we took off, and all I knew was that I needed to be somewhere private when it sunk below the horizon. I needed to be inside before the fireworks started. I was almost running as we approached the hotel we were staying in, while Grace's shorter legs forced her to jog to keep up with me. Blitzing through the lobby without regard for anything the stuck up mare at the front desk hollered at me as I passed, I made my way to the stairs and took them two at a time. Behind me, Grace was breathing heavily as she tried to keep up. Arriving at the room we'd booked, I pulled out the room key and fumbled repeatedly as my shaking hooves tried to jam it into the door. I dropped it and growled in frustration as I bent to pick it up. An orange hoof beat me to it, and Grace unlocked the door in one swift motion. Pushing Grace before me as I made my way inside, I hung the "do not disturb" sign and locked the door. With a heavy sigh, I slumped against the door and slouched to the floor.
Grace knelt in front of me, eyes wide with concern as her chest heaved from the exertion of keeping up with me. "Tim, what's wrong? I haven't seen you this upset since the spa."
"Fireworks. I... the fireworks. I used to love them when I was little, but the war stole that from me. Ever since then, fireworks bring me back to a bad place. I found this out the hard way when somepony decided to have a field day with them near my old apartment. My neighbor kicked down my door, found me screaming under the kitchen table in the fetal position. Grace, I'm sorry for ruining the day, but I couldn't be out there, couldn't be that close. I'm scared right now, I don't know how bad this is going to be, Grace. Just... don't get too close."
She simply nodded, accepting this without question. From the waver in my voice and the strained feeling of my face, I knew I was wearing a grim expression. I stood on shaky hooves and walked over to the bed, pulling pillows from under the covers to cover my ears once the show started. As if on cue, the world shook as the first explosion detonated in the twilight sky.
It didn't matter that Grace was by my side, gently stroking my shoulder as the sky was torn by colorful bursts; the flashback hit hard and fast. This was the one flashback that I thought I could never fight, because it was made of something else. It was not just something horrible that I'd seen, something that came from revulsion and haunting memories. No, this was a psychological scar, borne of terror and rooted in the primal part of my mind. Each successive burst took me farther and farther back into that day of terror.
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It had been a shitty day from the start, with a light rain constantly drizzling since the night before. It wasn't enough to cancel the mission, but it was enough to turn the dust into mud and make everything soggy and miserable. We were set up in an observation point overlooking a village and one of the main roads in the area. We were watching over a certain farm in particular, after the farmer received death threats telling him to stay out of his field. We knew that there was a cache somewhere in the village, but the tribe elder refused to let us search any of the houses to find it. This seemed like our best bet to put a dent in the attacks we were getting almost every day. It sounded good on paper, but what it boiled down to was a whole lot of waiting in the miserable, damp rain. It was me, SPC Scruffy, PFC Quill, and PFC Buttercup. It was Blaze, Scruffy, Twitch, and Butters up against the world.
The rain started falling harder, coming down in sheets that threatened to block our view of the field entirely. I made the call to move in a little closer to compensate for the reduced visibility. Through the rain, we made out two shapes moving through the field, stopping in the far corner and apparently digging something up. As if to confirm our suspicions the two shapes suddenly took off, noticeably bulkier as they carried something away from the scene on their backs. Motioning for the squad to follow, I began trailing them as they slinked away in the haze of rain. If we were lucky, we might discover their main cache and be able to take a huge bite out of their capabilities. In silence, we stalked on for hours as darkness began to seep in.
It was difficult to judge exactly how far we'd traveled over the uneven ground, since our pace count was shot to hell by the terrain and we had no visual references through the rain. We were doing our best to keep track of our position, but once you've seen one sun-forsaken valley, you've seen them all. We'd tried to pick out any sort of landmark for reference, but it was hit or miss. All hell broke loose the moment the rain slacked off. With darkness falling, we had foolishly allowed ourselves to get closer to the targets as visibility dropped. The rain slacked off in the same moment that a break in the clouds shone a celestial spotlight on us. Several things were immediately clear. We were far closer to the enemy than we should have been, and there were a lot more of them than we'd thought. The air was alive with the crack of rounds flying in all directions as we were shot at and returned fire, bounding to cover. We found ourselves in a kill zone and broke for the only cover around, a series of large boulders. Bullets chewed up the ground around us, peppering us with shards of rock and lead. We ducked behind the rocks just ahead of the stream of hot leaden death that chased us.
"Twitch, where the fuck are we?! Butters, suppressive fire, nine o'clock! Scruffy, take the three, I've got the twelve!"
Twitch immediately started looking around for landmarks to reference our position from so we had a grid location for where we were being pinned. Butters, Scruffy, and myself were all focused elsewhere as we engaged anything that moved within our sectors of fire. Twitch yelled out that he had our grid, and I hollered back to call for fire a hundred meters north of our position. I heard him on the radio and what I heard frightened me more than the rounds skimming off the rock inches from my face.
"Twitch, what fucking grid did you call for fire on?!"
What he said made me shake with rage and fear.
"Luna damn it! That's our grid! By Celestia's fiery nethers, if we survive this I'll fucking end you! Everypony, get the fuck down! Take cover, we've got incoming!"
Even as I said that, the scream of the first round tearing through the skies towards us was growing louder. From the corner of my eye, I saw a pony poking his head around the edge of the rock right before the world exploded. I was vaguely aware of being covered in pony parts as they splattered off of the rock and splashed over me. The world exploded again and again, and it seemed like it would never stop exploding. The pressure wave from each explosion wrapped around the rocks, slapping me across every inch of my body and driving the air from my lungs. My head was pounding, I tasted blood, and I was sure that this was the end. A shell landed very close, and the last thing I remembered was flying through the air before it all went black. I woke up in the back of a medic vehicle, battered, bruised, and confused but still alive. I was shaking from the experience, and it didn't subside for three days. In that time, I'd learned that none of the squad had died, but Butters had come damned close and was on his way home for treatment. Our medic, a unicorn by the name of SPC Remedy was able to repair the damage to our bodies easily enough, but there was far more to it than just broken and battered flesh. Not all wounds bleed, and not all scars can be seen, and the experience had gouged a ragged wound in my psyche.
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The fireworks reached their peak as the finale rattled everything for miles around, and the sudden silence that followed seemed almost tangible in comparison. The loudest sound was that of my breathing, as I gasped for air like I'd just run a marathon. My body shook with tension, my clenched muscles deeply sore from the strain. Grace had not strayed from my side during my fugue, and it was because of her gentle touch and reassuring whispers that I was able to return to anything resembling normal. The last time this had happened to me, I'd been twitchy for days afterwards. And yet, here I was not even two minutes later, already starting to feel the residual anxiety fading. Without a word I reached over and pulled Grace into a hug, one which was eagerly returned. I might have bad days, times where the shadows of the past rear up and try to drag me into the darkness, but I had Grace Candlelight to drive away the shadows before they could succeed. Already I could feel the wounds of my heart and soul that had been torn by the war being mended by a pretty nurse with an iron will.
The memories may dull in time, but they will never go away completely. My mind will never be as it once was, but maybe that's a good thing. It was my mind that had tormented me with memories of death and loss, had kept me trapped in that war zone. I'd returned from the war, but I'd never really come home; a part of me was stuck in the endless loops of tormenting memory. I hadn't even known I was in that cycle until Grace had broken me out of it, had helped me finally come home. She had given me back a reason to live and a reason to care. More importantly, she was starting to show me what it was like to love and be loved. If the last two months had been any indication, I had a lot to learn still. I didn't mind, though; after all, I had my entire life for that.