Service with a Smile
Joe yelped in a brief but arrestingly high-pitched screech, vibrating in pain as he held his bow. In an instant, Sunny had scrambled to her feet and swiveled to face her sister. "Luna! What in Equestria is wrong with you?!"
Luna slowly turned to look in Sunny's direction, her eyes cold and empty. She seemed to consider the taste in her mouth as she moved her tongue around the back of her teeth, clearly having expected something much different.
Joe looked at her in terror. "Sunny, i-it's fine, don't—"
"It's not 'fine'! It's as far away from fine as you can get!! Luna you should be in bed right now! You are in no condition to be running around Canterlot sn..." She gestured wildly at Joe's rear, having no idea what to even call what her sister had just done. "S-sniffing innocent colts, willy-nilly!!"
Gilda was absolutely floored. The swinging gemstones on this one! Those were some bold-ass words to hurl at a living deity. Joe jumped between the two mares, waving his hooves at Sunny in a vain attempt to diffuse the situation. "H-h-h-how's about we just... we settle in with some fresh-brewed java, huh? That sound good?" He looked desperately at his princess, praying to Celestia she wasn't just rearing up to devour the both of them for their insolence. Maybe she did this every night, he wondered, and nobody had yet lived to talk about it. Suddenly he could think of all kinds of vaguely feasible Nightmare Night ghost stories he'd never considered might be true.
Luna lazily returned to staring straight ahead. Opening and closing her mouth for a few moments, like she was getting used to her own tongue. Finally, slowly, "Thy coat smells sweet as candy, little one." Joe recoiled in horror, glancing toward the door. He might be able to make it. "But thou tastes of sweat and grease."
Joe swallowed. That was... good?
The diarch’s eyes widened as she seemed to notice something behind the counter. She turned to face him, eyes ablaze with infernal lunar energy. "Donuts."
Joe raised a shaky hoof. "W-well, sure th-thing, your eminence! Let's..." He inched his way over to the counter, wildly waving his hoof at Gilda and Sunny to get back into their seats. "...get you a couple of ol' Donut Joe's..." He gave an enthusiastic half-curl with his foreleg. "...famous ch-cherry-glazed donuts then!"
Luna regarded the promise with stoic indifference, and moved to lay down at one of the nearby booths, near the door. Joe fumbled for his cleanest, fanciest serving platter under the rear stove as Sunny continued to gaze at her sister, baffled. Something was obviously very wrong. When she'd last seen her, an hour or so previous, Luna was running a remarkably high temperature, passed out in a nauseous sweat-soaked heap in her room. She'd done little but toss about in fitful sleep and curse her condition for the past week, unable to carry out the vast majority of her duties. Neither could remember her ever being quite so wiped out by a fever in the past. It was nothing if not concerning. The white mare gasped as she held a hoof to her mouth — maybe her sister was delirious? It was entirely possible, given the disgraceful display she had just witnessed.
The diner doors popped open once more as a frantic moori mare of the Midnight Guard flew inside, desperately searching for her princess. She darted over the counter as Joe started loading the platter with the freshest donuts he could find, idly flapping her batlike wings as she scanned the back room. Joe seemed oblivious as she rounded the panning shelves, poked her head into his trot-in freezer, and flew back out, landing on the counter.
"Joe! JOE! Joe did you see the princess anywhere around here?!" she pleaded in an adorably scratchy, squeaky voice. Joe gave a pale look and pointed his hoof at the princess, who had since fallen asleep in her booth, snoring loudly. The mare collapsed onto the counter in relief. "Oh thank the stars, she's back down."
Hoofing the last few donuts onto the platter and gently arranging them into a decorative spiral, Joe flattened into a sour scowl. "Sissy how do you lose track of the living queen of darkness? You know why they have you guarding her in the first place?! It sure as heck isn't for her sake! It's so you can protect us from her, in case she runs rampant like this!"
His sister pulled back in genuine offense, hovering over the counter. "Weh!" She pointed a hoof at her chest. "I'm not a prison guard, you know, I'm a guard guard! She usually behaves herself just fine!"
"Just fi— she literally just tried to eat me, Seraph!"
Sunny blushed lightly as Joe shook his flank defiantly, showing off the arc of shallow teeth marks peppering the top of his donut cutie mark. Seraph stifled a chortle with both hooves, wide-eyed in shock. "HOLY hayseed, she really took a bite out of crime with you, huh!" She placed her hoof against the bite and pressed lightly, inspecting the light horseshoe of red it left behind. "Think you're bleeding a bit there, big bro."
Joe craned his neck to glare at the row of teeth marks adoring his flank, "I know I'm bleeding, sis! I just had a freaking alicorn try to bite off my ass!" He hissed, "I'll have to wrap it up when I'm done waiting on Princess Vampony over there."
Sunny was appalled. Partially at Joe's blatant disrespect for his princess, yes, but mostly for the horrifying fact that her sister had actually taken a bite out of poor Joe! Not a huge one, mind you, but far worse than the playful nibbles she left on the occasional suitor. Was she... trying to eat the donut? Maybe she really was delirious?
For a moment — a half-second maybe — Joe's cutie mark seemed to flicker. Sunny couldn't be sure if it wasn't just the rabid sleep deprivation playing tricks on her, but she swore there had been something else in its place, ever so briefly. It wasn't a circle, like it usually was, it was thinner, an egg-like horizontal oval, with a smaller circle contained within. An eye maybe? In a flash, Seraph had leapt across the counter and covered his flank with both of her hooves, a terrified look staring right into Sunny's eyes. She turned to Joe. "Ahah! We should... you should go and get that wrapped up, big bro! I'll fly over the princess' nightmarishly high-calorie farce of a meal."
Joe started to push back against her shooing, but stopped dead when Seraph whispered something into his ear. Again, Joe stole a horrified glance at Sunny, then Gilda, before turning his flank in the other direction and trotting backwards, into the back room. His sister waited a moment for him to canter out of sight, then lifted the platter onto her back, walking over to the princess' booth. With a shift of her weight, the platter slid from her backside to the table. "Here you go, Your Highness! Fresh from the oven!" She chirped, loudly, startling Luna from her sleep.
There was a brief moment where Luna seemed confused and a little alarmed, glancing around the diner like she had never seen the place before. Moments later, her eyes glazed over, and she stared down at the donuts. Seraph pulled into the booth across from her, and snuck several glances as the princess slowly, but deliberately, planted her face directly into the pile of donuts. A muffled munching could be heard as she submerged her face in sweets, mechanically chewing, without the slightest indication of pleasure or displeasure. Seraph sighed, putting her chin on her crossed hooves. This was weird.
Gilda leaned over to Sunny, their eyes locked on the unsightly display of militant gorgery. "Gods, she is just packing those things away!" she whispered with an impressed chuckle.
Sunny frowned. The griffon was right, of course. Celestia had her cake-fueled moments of indulgence from time to time, but her sister was never one to allow herself such unrefined decadence. Luna's style of decadence was much more ritualized and elegant, a dignified affair with tiny forks and tinier portions. She'd always been that way, but much more so after she returned from exile, having somehow become much more royal, much more courtly. It suited her, but nevertheless, Celestia wondered where it had come from. Most of her little rituals were ones she'd seemed to have made up herself, with little apparent historical basis. Submerging one's face into a pile of donuts in plain view of the public was decidedly not one of them.
Hopping off of her seat, Sunny trotted across the diner with a will, ignoring Gilda's startled objections. Something wasn't right here. Glaring at the slouching guardsmare dully watching her princess devour her meal, Sunny propped her forelegs onto the table and reared on her hind ones. "Soldier, your princess is visibly ill, acting erratically and dangerously! Why have you not returned her to her quarters?!"
Seraph seemed taken aback, her yellow draconian eyes widening in surprise. "Hey, Her Highness can do whatever Her Highness wants, lady! She's a goddess, for Sun's sake. She can eat some donuts if she feels like it."
Sunny's cheeks puffed in frustration. "Do you not think it's strange that your princess does not even remotely acknowledge anypony? That she seems so distant and dull-witted?"
Seraph flapped into the air, hovering over Sunny in a huff of indignant irritation. "Dull-wi— you're the dull one! If the princess had to respond to every fussy two-bit businessmare in the kingdom, we'd never get anything done!"
Sunny Skies gritted her teeth, eyes ablaze. Who did this impudent little brat think she was, talking down to her like that? It had been a very, very long time since she'd been sassed with such wanton abandon. She was beginning to remember exactly why she'd stopped going on dates in her unicorn disguise. "You are on thin ice, missy."
"Pshh, yeah? What are you gonna do, featherweight? I eat scrawny schoolfillies like you for breakfast!" She flashed her fangs with a hungry smile, landing in front of Sunny Skies and slowly advancing on her.
Sunny shook her head, still amazed by her sheer audacity. "If you think you could possibly frighten me, little one, you are hilariously mistaken. Stand aside, and let me tend to the princess."
"Nothing doin'." Her wings unfurled in that way Celestia usually did when she wanted to make herself look more threatening. She didn't appreciate the gesture. Bracing her hind legs, she stopped backing up and lowered her head, leveling her horn at the grinning moori.
"So be it." Sunny's horn flared as an arc of brilliant light lashed towards the guardsmare, curving sharply and striking her in the side. Seraph yelped, dancing on two hooves as the burn passed. "Yeeow!! You little rat! That hurt!"
With a sharp thrust of her reptilian wings, Seraph launched herself at brilliant speed. In a blink, Sunny had ducked under the first pass and thrown up a reflective ward at her flank, into which the rebounding moori collided face-first. The field wrapped itself in a spiral, bundling the mare in the hard light like a bat-winged burrito. Seraph's hind legs bucked wildly for a couple seconds before she managed to lodge a hoof in the midsection, curling in, then out in a sharp, outward full-body thrust. The field strained, shimmered, and tore, evaporating into ether as Seraph spun to face her opponent, who was already trotting toward the princess.
A sharp, seething hiss tore from her clenched fangs as she scrambled into the air for another strafe. Sunny startled at the sound — a coil like that should've held somepony twice her size! Knowing this week, the spell must not have woven evenly. Why in Tartaurus couldn't she properly cast even a lousy binding spell?
Sunny tried to duck toward and under the oncoming blur, but there was no time. She took a solid hoof to the eye and staggered back, her head colliding with the table. With a shake, she cleared the stars from her vision and molded a middling solar flare, bathing the moori in sunlight and causing her to reel in shock. A spell like that wasn't common, considering its intricacies, but it was effective.
"Gah! No fair!!" Seraph scrambled under the table as the flash lightly burned her exposed skin. Moori didn't take direct sunlight well, especially in concentrated doses. With a flick of her hoof, Sunny clamped a pair of hard light bracers around the base of Seraph’s wings and her forelegs, dropping her to the ground with a thud. That should buy her the time she needed.
She stole a glance back to the front just in time to see a mortified Donut Joe scampering over the counter, having just emerged to find his sister locked in mortal combat with his most beloved regular. Napkins and menus all across the diner shriveled in a blaze of fire from the solar flash, some forming a light cinder twister around the table. He hit the ground running. She only had a few moments, even less with Seraph already beginning to bite through the shimmering light cuffs. With a leap, she clattered onto the table, knocking the platter of donuts from Luna's maw and onto the floor. Sunny filled her lungs and lit her horn alight. "AWAKEN!"
The Royal Canterlot Voice bellowed through the small diner, shaking plates, vibrating glasses, and quaking cups of coffee like a dragon's howl. Joe's hooves screeched as he froze in place, sliding to Luna's side with panic-stricken eyes. Two dark blue hooves scratched at the tabletop from below as Seraph began hoisting herself up from the floor, wings still bound but forelegs freed. For an instant, all three looked to Princess Luna.
She had stiffened in alarm, her spine straight and her eyes refocusing. She blinked a few times, then slowly panned the scene, mouth agape. "We... art..." Her eyes locked onto Sunny. "Sister! How did... when did..." She glanced at the overturned platter on the floor, the half-eaten donuts scattered amongst a light dusting of ashes and napkins.
Seraph managed to pull herself onto the tabletop, finally breaking the binding with her rear hoof, "My Princess!" She scrambled to a salute. "My Princess, I was just about to..." She trailed off, peering into the dumbstruck gaze of Princess Luna, "Do... do you know where you are right now?"
Luna was still staring at her sister, trying to figure out if this was real or not. Certainly felt real. But why in the hoof would she and her sister be in some dingy breakfast diner? She turned to the stallion to her side, a rather dim-looking, yet vaguely roguish fellow in a white shirt. "Art thou the purveyor of this..." She gestured a hoof at the breadth of his diner, apparently having difficulties thinking of the right word to encompass its disheveled je ne sais quoi. "...rustic establishment?"
Joe bowed. "Yes, Your Ladyship. Y-you came in not ten minutes ago for donuts. There was a... minor altercation, during your meal, b-but that's been resolved. Right sis?" He narrowed a glare at the guardsmare as she plopped down on the seat.
"Yeah yeah." Seraph grumbled, rolling her eyes.
Luna moved her tongue around her mouth. True, she could taste something, but it didn't really strike her as sweet. Didn't really have a taste at all, strangely. It was... heavy? And sort of prickly-numb. It certainly wasn't good, whatever it was. She gestured at her guardsmare. "Water, if you would." Seraph snapped a salute, and dashed off to get her a glass.
Joe rose from his bow with a shaky smile. "You... said something about your sister? Princess Celestia? Is Her Highness going to be visiting us as well?"
Luna glanced at Sunny with a raised eyebrow. Behind Joe, the mare waved her hooves some variation of 'no' 'please don't' 'do not say anything' in a wide, wild motion. Luna frowned. "You will pay that no mind, my subject. These donuts were truly dreadful. I'm... unsure why I would have come here. I certainly do not remember doing so."
Joe went completely pale, his legs shaking and his mouth agape. Nopony had ever disliked his donuts. They were... they were perfect! He wasn't being proud or brash when he said that, they were perfect. He had spent his entire adult life perfecting them. That princess of the night herself would find them utterly disgusting was... it was literally his worst nightmare. He must be in Tartaurus.
Sunny looked at her sister in shock, then at Joe, her ears flat against her head in alarm. "L-Luna! How could you say such a thing to poor Joe?!"
Luna blinked, then stared forward for a moment before looking back at her sister. "We're... not sure.." She pawed at one of the discarded bits of donuts on the table. "We certainly didn't enjoy them, but... apologies, for being so crass." She gave a shaky smile at Joe. "If it's any consolation, my sister's vivid descriptions of thy bewitching flank were not exaggerated."
Sunny's jaw dropped. Joe, still processing the horror of her outright rejection, cracked a distant, dubious smile. "P-Princess Celestia said... that? About me?"
Luna nodded, taking the glass of water from Seraph as she appeared from the back room. Her gaze drifted as she took a sip and sloshed the water around her mouth. Swallowing, she placed the glass back down. "We are not sure why we said that, either. You must excuse us, we have not been well this week. Hoofservant!" She bellowed, forgetting her guardsmare was but a few feet away. Seraph startled and flew to her side. "We take our leave."
Joe bowed. "W-well, we certainly hope you'll grace us with your presence in the future, Your Highness."
Luna seemed genuinely flabbergasted by the offer, giving a confounded look as she shook the donut crumbs out of her mane. "It is... unlikely. Fare thee well, my little pony."
Seraph gave Joe a sympathetic look as she turned to pull open the door, holding fast as her princess imperiously trotted out of the diner and took to the sky.
Joe slumped onto the floor, a harrowed look strewn across his face. Slowly and sadly, he pulled his forelegs over his slowly shaking head. "...I cannot believe that just happened."
Sunny laid next to him, pressing her head against his. She sighed. "I think she was just... out of it, Joe. You saw how she was acting!"
"I think she only liked my donuts when she was out of it," he whimpered.
Sunny frowned. That was true. The second she snapped out of her... trance, she was completely revolted by them. "You and I both know you make the best donuts in Equestria. I don't care what anyone says."
Joe let out a long, defeated sigh.
"Hey," Gilda leaned over from her seat, chewing a honey glazed cruller she'd plucked from the open tray. "This is one good freaking donut, Joe." She swallowed, hungrily tearing off another chunk. "Princess bat-brain clearly isn't the goddess of good taste."
Sunny grinned, watching Joe's expression soften ever so slightly, as he peeked out from between his hooves. With a nuzzle, she turned around and trotted over to the counter, plucking a Manehattan Crème from the tray.
"I don't know how anybody can take a bite out of one of these sugary joys and not -HRPH!!" Her eyes bulged as the single most wholly revolting sensation she had ever encountered invaded her mouth. By reflex, her maw opened wide and her head tilted, dropping the half-chewed clump onto the diner floor. Joe practically fainted. She could almost see his heart shattering in those two big, adorable emerald-green eyes, but she couldn't stop herself from coughing desperately as her body tried to force out every horrid crumb.
She shot Joe a mortified look through her watery, reddened eyes. "Sorry! Joe I'm s—" She braced her rear legs as another wave of hacking overtook her. "S- COUGH —sorry!!"
Gilda glared at her with a fury. "What is wrong with you, lady?!"
Grabbing Luna's cup of water from the table, Joe trotted up to the red-faced mare and helped her take a cleansing sip, tears running down her cheeks as she drank. He swallowed. "Is it really that bad?"
She finished the cup and coughed a couple more times, holding her head down as the taste finally faded. With a dismal, ashamed look, she looked Joe in the eye and silently nodded.
Gilda grabbed another Manehattan Crème from the tray and slid onto the ground, taking a big bite as she walked over. "Joe it's FINE! They taste FINE! I don't know what the heck kind of cruel, lame joke she's trying to play on you but don't buy it for a second!" With a twist of her claw, she tore off a piece and thrust it at Joe. "Here! Try it yourself!"
Joe looked at Sunny's red, tear-soaked eyes, then at Gilda's determined glare, and took the piece of donut into his hoof. He gave it a sniff. Smelled like a fresh Manehattan Crème, full of the light, sweet, fluffy filling he'd lovingly mixed together not an hour and a half earlier. With a flick of the hoof, he popped it into his mouth. Spectacular. A symphony of smooth, warm, sugary heaven embraced his taste buds. It was like swimming in a cloud.
He opened his eyes, and nodded at Gilda. She seemed to settle slightly, turning to Sunny in a suspicious huff. She was wiping her tongue with a napkin, her face still beet red with a horrid mixture of disgust and shame. She caught Joe's gaze, and closed her mouth, dropping the napkin. "Joe I..."
He waved a hoof, giving her a sympathetic nod. He didn't know Sunny well — she'd never come by often, before this latest week — but he knew ponies, and he knew a liar. Far, far better than most. Sunny Skies wasn't a liar. He sighed. "...What could it possibly be?"
Sunny shook her head. "I-it's not that it tastes bad, exactly, it's more than it... I dunno... feels wrong. Like it's... I can't describe it, it just feels wrong!" She gave Gilda a desperate look. "I swear to the stars I'm not making this up!" She looked back at Joe, "What did you make these out of?!"
Joe flustered. "Nothing! The same old stuff! Flour, salt, eggs, milk, sugar, butt... er..." He trailed off, turning to the counter. "...sugar."
Cantering to the coffee pot, he poured a quarter-mug and placed it on the counter, alongside the shaker of sugar. Gently, he poured a small spoonful of sweet crystals, then pulled close the mug. With a quick glance at his night crew, he started stirring in the sugar, going one way, then the opposite, then back.
The three of them leaned in, heads lightly butting together, as they watched the coffee settle, and the sugar eerily rise to the surface. Joe stirred it again, but the sugar refused to dissolve.
Sunny looked Joe in the eye, shocked. "It's... it's the magic. The magic that makes up the sugar."
Gilda raised an eyebrow. "Sugar's made of sugar, not magic."
"Magic's in everything. It's in coffee, it's in sugar. The two should... they should work together just fine." She swallowed, shaking her head in disbelief. "I think there's something very, very wrong with the sugar, Joe."