The doctor said I was ready to go home today. My injuries had almost fully healed in only a few short weeks. While this was longer than a typical pony, this was, as far as we could research it, much shorter than it would take back home. The magic from the unicorn doctors and the potions from Zecora must have done their collective trick. The doctors said I had been a real medical challenge and the skills they developed while treating me could save lives. After my final checkup and a big round of thank yous to the medical staff, I was officially discharged mid-afternoon.
Dash, Applejack, and Rarity were there to escort me home. With her confident smirk, Dash chided me while giving me a noogie, “No heroics, dummy. Hospitals are boring, even with a good Daring Do book, and I don't want to go back there, not even for the likes of you.”
Rarity confessed, “As much as it pains me to say this, Rainbow Dash is correct. Please, let us try to go a full week before any more selfless acts of bravado.” This was followed by a light hip bump and one of those little flirty smiles that included lightly biting the bottom lip. Applejack made her distinct low chuckle. Dash was behind me, and I thought I heard an angry snort, but I wasn't really paying attention.
Still chuckling, the farm pony's hat was set low over her eyes, and she grinned slightly. “Fer once, I t'ant the only voice of reason. Stop showen' off like a school filly with new ribbons. That there is a direct order from your Pony Ann.” Rarity tittered warmly, but Dash was still a little behind me, and out of the corner of my eye, I could have sworn I saw a flash of... something cross her face for just a split second, and it quickly returned to her trademark ultra confidant smirk.
Still looking straight ahead, I snickered and answered, “Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear,” much to the amusement of all.
Okay, I know I'm reading way too much into all of it. I'm going to assume it's all innocent cuteness, and Dash is just annoyed by it. That will make things easier. Less complicated. I mean, from what I can tell, ponies are more... innocent. Not simple or stupid. It's just that, as far as I can tell, they don't think like humans in that respect. Maybe it's more subtle, or maybe it's so overt I don't see it. All I'm saying is that I choose to not see it that way. It's like when a guy has a friend who's a girl, and she flirts with him, it's just one buddy busting the chops of another buddy. Anyway, I'm not even the same species, so I don't know why I'm thinking about this. I don't want to confuse friendship with something else.
So, change of subject. See, I even do that to myself.
We were just past the edge of town, going toward my cottage near the top of the hill. I squinted a little and could see it was different. I groaned. “I told you guys not to do anything for me. I can see the house is painted beige, the shutters red, and it looks like a shrubbery fence of some kind.” I squinted again, “And somebody fixed the roof.” I scowled, but only a little bit.
Dash zipped in front of me and looked at me incredulously, “What do you mean 'I can see'? I'm a pegasus and can barely see it, Alex.”
Applejack puts a hoof on my arm to turn me around, a puzzled look on her face, “Sugarcube, are you telling me you can see the house from here? And you see it good enough to make out that the roof's been fixed? That's some good eyesight there, eagle eye.”
Rarity simply said, “Oh my yes, that is very impressive. Are your other senses as sharp, I wonder?”
I shrugged, “I'm not sure. I haven't sat down and done a systematic analysis, but I think so. See that pony over there?” I pointed to a pony in the distance and took a few theatrical sniffs, “he put on a little too much cologne this morning and had,” sniff, “two eggs, over easy, with mint tea.”
The girls were all slack-jawed. Rarity snapped out of it first, “You could tell all that from here by sniffing?”
I looked at her for a moment, then snorted and laughed. “No, but I had you going, didn't I?” I was grinning like a loon, having just pulled a prank worthy of Dash.
Rarity, laughing, tapped me on the thigh, “You naughty boy.”
Applejack gave that low chuckle of hers, “You've been hanging around Dash 'n Pinkie Pie too much.”
Dash, in her usual confident tone, disagreed, “No way Applejack! He's been hanging around me just enough. Good prank, Alex.”
“Heh, ya, I couldn't resist. I can see him just fine, and I'm fairly sure I could hear him if he was speaking normally. I know I can hear ponies clearly when they whisper if they're in the same room. But my sense of smell isn't much better, I don't think.” I closed my eyes and sniffed, “I can smell your perfume, Rarity, the same stuff you were wearing when you gave me the hermit speech. Very nice, by the way. Dash, you don't wear perfume. I personally don't think you need any. Applejack, I smell a hint of baby powder.” I opened my eyes and looked around, only to see all three gaping at me again. “So, was I close?”
Applejack gave a low whistle, “That's a mighty clever sniffer you got there. Maybe even as good as Winona's.”
Rarity smiled, “Very impressive.”
Dash, blushing at last, shook her head and tentatively sniffed under her arm. “I don't smell anything.”
I smiled, “I promise to only use my powers for evil.. er... I mean good. Good. That's what I meant.” As hoped, the girls chuckled, tittered, or laughed.
“You know, it's funny. When Twilight and I were trying to figure out what the problem with Spike and me was, we took a quick sniff of each other. Long story. Anyway, she said I only smelled a little bit sweaty. Now, and here is the funny part, to my nose, I reeked of sweat, it was an obvious smell. It didn't occur to me until now. I'll make sure to tell Twilight when I see her next.”
As we neared the house I thought I spotted a flash of pink in the front window. I guess Pinkie Pie was throwing a party for me. Well, I do remember her saying something about it. I guess there's no harm in a bit of fun.
“So, Applejack, just out of curiosity, how much were the renovations? And please tell me I did pay for it. My house, after all.”
“Well, I can respect your attitude, and I wasn't gonna get lectured by you, so I made sure you paid for every last bit. I practically had to force Tree Trimmer's folks to take a payment, but I explained it was a matter of pride for y'all.” She gave me the amount then chuckled, “Y'all would make a fine Apple.”
Ok, now I know I heard a snort because we all turned toward Rainbow Dash. She had landed on the ground and had a look of, annoyance and maybe a little confusion. I became a little worried. While I've only known her for a short time, she almost always had that confident grin, the one that said she had already won but was letting you try anyway. But, right now, if I didn't know any better, and I didn't, I would say she has a worried expression. It must have stayed on her face for a full second, maybe two, but it disappeared as soon as I opened my mouth, “Hey Dash. Are you okay?”
That grin was back in place, “Okay? I'm not ok. I'm the best!” And with that and a blast of wind, she took off, twirled into the air, made a loop, and shot past us at top speed, kicking up dust and gravel as she passed.
I couldn't help myself, I clapped and cheered, “Spectacular!” I put my fingers to my mouth and whistled. That caused Dash to tumble for a moment, but she recovered.
I heard some tittering behind me and I felt a tap on my thigh, “Darling, do be careful. That was the kind of whistle reserved for use by stallions to get the attention of mares.”
My face contorted to one of annoyance, “Great, first I 'share bread' with Fluttershy, now I'm firing off wolf whistles at Rainbow Dash. We'd better wait here so I can explain myself.” So, I waited in the field, about halfway between town and the cottage, surrounded by friends.
Applejack, with that half smile, “You humans sure are a randy bunch there, Romeo.”
I half smiled at her, “Smart ass.”
“You know it, sugarcube.”
Dash finally landed with a smirk. It wasn't her usual overconfident smirk, it was a little different, but just a little, “What's with the whistle there, big guy? Like what you see?” She struts towards me, showing a little flank as it were.
Look at the face. Look at the face. Look at the face. I think my face was as red as the shutters. Rarity and Applejack were barely suppressing their laughter, “Yes... no... what... I... er... Dash, I'm so sorry, I didn't know a wolf whistle meant so much more here. I mean,” this was crazy, “I like what I see, but... wait... no... I...”
Finally, thankfully, Dash laughed, “You're way too easy to fluster, Alex Roberts! I'll let you off the hook this time.” She stood, put her hooves on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, nose to nose, and in a sultry voice, “But the next time I hear that whistle, you'd better mean it.” This only made Rarity and Applejack laugh even harder. It just made me glad everyone was laughing about this.
After I regained some semblance of dignity, we walked the last bit to the cottage. Just before I opened the door, I whispered to myself, “Showtime.”
I was almost physically knocked back by the cheers of “SURPRISE!!!”. I took it all in, my eyes taking a moment to adjust from the bright light of the outside to the light of the inside of the cottage. Pinkie Pie was leading the assault, with Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle also there. There was also Tree Trimmer and his family, as well as Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Miss Sweetheart, a big red stallion with an apple cutie mark, an old green mare with an apple pie cutie mark, a big white unicorn stallion with a Hawaiian shirt and a moustache of all things, and a smaller pink unicorn with bee hive hairdo a blouse and stretch pants—quite the crowd.
I grinned, “Thank you all for coming, and thank you, Pinkie Pie, for doing all this.” There were rounds of reintroduction and hoof shakes and a few hugs.
The only new names I remembered were Big Macintosh and Granny Smith. The last two I couldn't remember were Rarity's parents.
It was a great party. The Apples were very welcoming, even if Big Macintosh was a little distant. Holy shit, that guy was big. He had to look down to look me in the eye. And his hooves were the size of dinner plates. I noticed he kept looking at Dash, so I figured he was interested. I'm not good at this kind of stuff, but even I could tell there was something. I even tried to manoeuvre Dash into a three-way conversation and then bug out, but she stuck with me. Sorry, big guy, I tried.
There were some interesting culinary differences like the 'kid' drinks were like drinking liquid sugar mixed with hard liquor. The 'adult' drinks were like somebody took apple cider (about as strong as beer) and added about a teaspoon of salt. Both were basically undrinkable, but as long as everyone else enjoyed it, I was happy with the water. I'll have to remember to ask Applejack if I could buy some unsalted apple cider.
I was glad Dash didn't tell anyone what had happened earlier. It gave me the chance, when I was hanging out with the boys, to tell the story. “So, in my short time here, I've discovered some, um, interesting cultural differences. The two best ones were sharing bread and wolf whistles. Oh, and feel free to laugh. I know I will.” I told the two stories. Forest Harvest seemed to enjoy them. Rarity's dad had a good laugh with both and slapped me on the back. He was enjoying his apple cider. Big Macintosh chuckled good naturally at the first but just smiled politely at the second. Uh oh, this was a set of feet I didn't want to step on, and I think I was starting to tread hoof.
As the evening started to wind down, only Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and myself were left. I thanked Pinkie again and again. Gummy chomped down on my leg while doing dishes, and it was like a slightly slimy clamp. Not painful. He's a cute little guy.
When we were done cleaning up, I was admiring the work that was done. The window was fixed, as was the stairwell wall. New paint, and I saw the new roof already. There was a nice couch and a lounge chair in the living room. A table with stools all around in the kitchen. The pantry was full of food. There were what looked like good-quality pots and pans, dishes, and cutlery. Unicorn, I'm guessing.
Once Pinkie Pie had everything packed up, including her 'Party Cannon', she happily bounced off. She was so cute, she didn't walk, she always bounced. Constantly dripping with energy.
Finally, it was just me and Dash. I sat on one end of the couch, and Dash made herself comfortable on the other end. I wanted to apologize properly for that afternoon. “Hey Dash, look,” I sighed, “I don't want you to think I'm some hormone-driven teenager who wants to bed every mare he sees. It's just stupid mistakes on my part. I'm really sor...”
Dash cut me off and smiled warmly, “Alex, will you please stop apologizing? It was a funny mistake. No biggie. I know you have more class than that.”
I looked at her seriously, “I'm scared, Dash. I'm scared I'll do something that will make me a pariah, and I really don't want that. This place is a paradise. The people are kind and loving, and... and I haven't been somewhere I feel safe in such a long time... That's why I'm always saying sorry and second-guessing myself. I'm so afraid... you're the best friend I've had since I left home. I don't want to mess that up.”
“You won't. I can't see you doing anything but the right thing.” Dash was now sitting upright on the couch, leaning toward me slightly. Our eyes locked for a fraction of a second, and then her eyes flicked away. She leaned back, “Well, I have to go. Got to feed Tank and get up early for weather work tomorrow.” She got up from the couch and stretched. That radiant smile returned, “See you tomorrow, you big goof,” and with that, she headed home.
It was a wonderful morning. Part of the construction was to divide the loft into two rooms. The main bedroom was big, and the bed was comfortable. I slept soundly in my new home. Once I got out of bed, I looked around the room. Someone had built a stand for the backpack and placed it in the corner. They also stocked the small desk with blank scrolls, quills, and ink. The other small bedroom was empty except for a bed, dresser, and small desk. Both closets were empty.
Sitting on my desk was an envelope, with 'Expenses' written on it in a clean hand. I opened it. Bless Applejack. She must have had this already done before the party. It was a detailed summary of the expenses for the renovation. The damages were not bad, only a little over β21,000 and done so fast. I was happy to see a price associated with the hedge. I will have to write letters of thanks to all the contractors.
Time for breakfast! The fridge was full of eggs, cheese, milk, cream, butter, little baskets of berries, and flowers. The pantry contained flour, oats, hay cakes (dense pucks of hay), wheat cakes (dense pucks of shredded wheat), sugar, spices, and a few assorted baking and cooking supplies.
So, I fried up some eggs while a Shreddies puck, as I called them, soaked in milk and sugar. No toaster that I could see. No worries. I'll pick one up later.
The Shreddies here were less... processed. Lots of chewing is required, but that's okay. I can work out these details later. I'm really not sure what I'll do with the hay pucks. They're about a quarter of the pantry. It's not something I can really digest. Well, it's a problem for another day.
Today's problem is getting a suit so I look presentable for the Princess. While Rarity is an excellent seamstress and designer, she caters to mares, not... 'me's. I had to see Snazzy Suit's son, Elusive. According to Rarity, he's very talented, and I think she has a little something for him. Captain Matchmaker may have struck out once, but I'll keep trying until their ship comes in! These ladies deserve a little pony love.
Ugh, maybe I should keep my nose out of their private lives? Maybe, but if opportunity knocks, I'll be sure to pass on the message.
I decided to jog instead of walk. I've been on my butt for almost a month and didn't want to get too out of shape. I grabbed one of the simple top and bottom copies Rarity made for me and started jogging. You know what? I didn't even lock the door or take my knife. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks. That thought made me smile.
On the way, I was greeted by friendly faces and nods. Even Golden Coins just sneered at me. That guy really needs a top hat, monocle, and thin moustache. It would make him a more amusing threat. I've seen real threats. He's no threat.
By the time I got to Snazzy Suit's shop, I was a little winded. After catching my breath, I walked in, smiling broadly, “Good morning! I heard there was a tailor here who could make beautiful suits for things like me!”
“Hey there, youngster! Good to see you back on your feet. I'll get Elusive.” The old unicorn paused for breath and bellowed, “Elusive! Alex Roberts is here!”
A unicorn stallion came out of the back room. He had a pale blue coat, dark blue mane and tail, vibrant blue eyes, and a thread and needle cutie mark. In a decidedly effeminate voice, “Oh my goodness! The heroic Alex Roberts! Welcome, Welcome! How can I be of service!”
“Mr Elusive, I have been blessed with an audience with Princess Celestia. I would be honoured if you would make me a suit befitting the occasion. Although my friend Rarity is an amazing designer and seamstress, she designs for mares. Rarity said you're the best designer for stallions, and your father said you were knowledgeable in inter-species design. Thus, I place myself in your hooves.”
“Rarity sent you here? Really.” Elusive got a faraway look for a moment. He gave his head a little shake, “Well, you made the right choice. Are there any design considerations I should be aware of?”
“Yes, and this is a human design sensibility. I do not want to be covered in jewels. A diamond tie pin, sure. Cuff links, no problem. Blinding others when I walk past them, not so much. And I'm being honest here, I'm not a formal, froufrou kind of guy. I prefer a simple cut. Oh, and the budget is unlimited.”
Elusive looked at me for a long moment, his brow furrowed in concentration. His mouth slowly curled into a smile, his eyes intense, “I have a plan.”
I was finally in Canterlot. The train ride was a little uncomfortable but made quite bearable with good friends to pass the time. Thanks to the unicorn tailer, Snazzy Suit, who was also my landlord, and his son Elusive, I had a fantastic formal suit for the occasion.
We had a few hours to kill, so we went shopping. Well, the others went shopping. Dash and I went looking for less sophisticated entertainment. We finally found our way to 'The Wheat & Turnip', a little bar on the seedy side, but it had a view of the track so that we could watch the races. I was surprised they had beer without salt. Found out salt is bought by the little bowl full, and you add it yourself. Dash was doing sarsaparilla shooters with about a teaspoon of salt in each one. She was chatting excitedly about the pegasus racers, and I was doing my best to follow. She was starting to get a little tipsy, but it looked like she could handle her liquor, salt, or both. I'm still not sure.
“What the buck is that fancy suit-wearing thing? Looks like a shaved diamond dog!” There was some laughter. The voice belonged to a big, rough-looking earth pony stallion. Not Big Mac big, but big enough. Oh, and I didn't bring my knife. I didn't think it would be a great idea to wear a knife meeting the local ruler.
Dash stood from her stool so fast she knocked it down, and it clattered on the floor. “You get the buck out of my friend's face, or I'll make sure you never walk straight again!” I glanced at Dash and saw fierce defiance. The stallion was half a head taller, but he stepped back.
I quickly followed her lead. I sneered and pointed my finger, “Listen, pal, I'm a human being.” They looked confused, “that's right, I'm a god damn human! Now, I don't want to use my flame breath. Gives me heartburn, but if you don't get the hell out of my way, I don't know what'll stop me.” I glanced at Dash, and our eyes met. The tough guy and his buddies were starting to back away.
Dash changed her expression to a slightly exaggerated one of fear, “No, Alex! You can't! You mustn't! Not again! Think of their foals!”
I snarled, “Hold me back! Hold me back! Luna blast their eyes! I can feel the fire rising!” Dash dramatically put a hoof on her forehead and the other on my chest.
The thugs bolted, with variations on, “Run for your life!” and “There's a human among us!”
Once they were out the door and hopefully out of sight. I casually strolled to the front door, opened it a crack and looked out. I couldn't see any of the jokers who wanted to pick a fight. “Dash, you were beautiful. I'll get you the highest award for acting I can find!”
Dash looked up, swaying a little and grinning at me, “You really think so?”
We stepped out into the sunshine, and I smiled, “Miss Dash, you've had quite a bit of salt, I think. But, yes, you were fabulous.” I looked around for the clock tower, “Anyway, it's time to go, or we'll be late. Don't really want to keep the Princess waiting.”
I told the rest about our little misadventure between chuckles. Rarity admonished us for going to a seedy bar, getting drunk, and possibly getting into a bar fight. I defended Dash by saying we were drinking responsibly; it was some idiots who picked a fight, and anyway, Dash behaved like a perfect lady. Telling the story and arguing over it passed the time while we waited. Dash had been on the quiet side, which was unusual for her. I guess this was what she was like when she was sobering up.
We all stood in the antechamber, waiting for our turn to see Princess Celestia. I had met kings, queens, and self-professed gods before. Granted, Celestia and Luna were powerful beings, but nothing I couldn't handle. I put on my cockiest grin, confident I could get her to laugh and she would succumb to the old Alex Roberts charm.
I was totally unprepared for what happened next.
When the doors opened, it was like having every cell in my body gently prodded. It was not painful, just intense. My heart started beating faster, and I felt it rising in my throat. As we got closer, my heart beat faster and faster, and my throat felt increasingly closed off with raw emotion. The feeling of awe, love, and terror increased with each step. I had felt a mild version of this occasionally in some holy places, but this was that feeling cranked up to eleven. It took everything I could muster to keep moving.
I could see a golden nimbus around her head, with rays of golden light coming out. It stabbed my heart with its beauty. I never saw that on the show! Why is this happening? Why can't I breathe?
When I was finally standing before her, before anything could be said, I dropped to both knees and prostrated myself before her. It was like my soul was being hit with a sledgehammer with every breath, every moment, every instance. I was so struck by the sensation that I could not speak, tears forming, but I could not weep. I now understood what they meant by fearing God. It wasn't to be afraid. It was the fear, no, the terror of Her not approving of me, of being a disappointment in Her eyes.
The radiance, majesty, and grace just radiated from Princess Celestia. All I wanted to do was confess all my sins, which I knew, I knew for a fact, She already knew in intimate detail. If I could only get my damned worthless mouth working, i could confess, then beg, no, plead for Her mercy, even though i knew i was unworthy of Her forgiveness. It was then i realized how worthless i was in the face of Her grace.
All the girls could see was me prostrated and whimpering at Celestia's hooves. Twilight and Pinkie Pie looked at me in confusion, not understanding what I was doing. Fluttershy moved to comfort me, but Rarity stopped her, having an idea as to what I was experiencing. Dash smirked and started to make a comment, but Applejack, with that knowing half-smile, stopped her.
Princess Celestia smiled a knowing, loving smile. “Ladies, I would like a few moments alone with Alex.” They bowed and walked back to the antechamber, exchanging glances and shrugs.
Once we were alone, “Alex,” She touched my shoulder and i cowered away, not wanting to dirty Her pure divinity with my filth. “Please, stand. I know what you've done. I know all about you. Twilight has told me much, and she has grown quite fond of you. They all have.”
I turned my face up, wincing at her glory centimetres from my face. “But...” I managed in a croaking voice. I lifted myself to my knees. She put her head on my shoulder. Without knowing why, I wrapped my arms around her neck, hugging her, the tears of joy flowing freely.
“You see, Alex, because you come from a non-magical world, you perceive my divinity directly. Natives of this place all having a magical nature, have a natural resistance to it.” She gave me a quick hug. “You, my new subject, have taken the full brunt of my aura. I'm sorry to make you suffer like this.”
I broke away from the hug and looked her in the eye, my face contorted in guilt. “No, y-your M-Majesty. All my s-suffering is just and right for my sins. You a-are glorious! I-I am worthless beside you.”
She rolled her eyes, and I felt despair at disappointing Her. “Oh stop that. You are worth much more than you think. As for your 'sins', you never did anything any sane sentient would not have done in your situation. Every time you killed, they were trying to kill you; there was always great reluctance and sorrow, and you always tried to find a peaceful solution. It was self-defence. You are a good man placed in a bad situation. However,” my heart dropped, knowing my sins were unforgivable, “in order to make you feel better, I hereby absolve you of all your sins. Go in peace and be a good citizen of Equestria.”
My heart sang. It was like the feeling of getting a lifetime's worth of birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, and the joy of my wedding day all focused into a split second. I wanted to sing hosannas upon the highest. I wanted to sing my joy. I wanted to praise Celestia until my voice was gone. Instead, all I could do was whisper, “Thank you.” I dropped down again and kissed Her hoof, knowing i was unworthy to do so.
Luna frowned at her sister, "Was that really necessary?"
Celestia didn't look up from the diplomatic scrolls, "What do you mean?"
"Your dietific field. You enhanced it. It was at least five times as strong as normal."
"Perhaps I wanted to ensure he knew who was in charge."
"But did you have to crush him like that? He was completely overwhelmed."
Celestia made eye contact with her sister, "Yes. A clear message had to be sent. He had to know, in no uncertain terms, who I was."
Later, when I left the room, I was very quiet and introspective. I didn't even joke around with Dash. It was a long while before anyone said anything. Dash, with concern in her voice, gently asked, “What happened in there Alex?”
Without looking up, I simply tapped my chest and sadly said, “No magic.”