"Gentlemen?" Spy coughed, walking into the Intelligence room with a limp body that was definitely not made of steel and electrics. The Scout, Soldier, and Heavy turned to look at the Frenchman, not even surprised at his intrusion as he stride forward. "I see the Intel is safe?"
"Da." Heavy replied, before pointing a huge finger at the corpse over Spy's shoulder. "Sniper is dead?"
"I'm afraid so." Spy replied, as he dumped the body on the table like normal. However, instead of a knife in the back of the dead Sniper, there was a small, rectangular object, with text on the top that read 'ELECTRO-SAPPER'. The Scout, Soldier, and Heavy gasped. Sniper had been a robot all along?
"Woah, whoa, back it up, ya spook." Scout cut in, grabbing the sapper and pulling it off the body. "You're sayin' that the frickin' Sniper's a robot?"
"No, no, you imbecile." Spy facepalmed. "What I'm saying is that BLU Spy is getting desperate for flashy kills." The other three men gasped in agreement, nodding.
"Y-ES." Soldier answered, bobbing his head up and down in the most militaristic manner he could. "The Spy is a maggot."
"Ahem...?" Spy coughed, tapping a foot and glaring at his comrade.
"YES. YOU ARE A MAGGOT." Soldier pointed a finger at Spy accusingly. "AND YOU ARE THE BLU SPY." Next, Soldier bashed the Frenchman in the face with his trusty shovel. Before anybody else, Russian or Bostonian, could intervene, it turned out Soldier was right; the RED suit faded away in a flash, instead changing to that of a navy blue. The facial expression of 'what are you accusing me of being a Spy for?' changed to that of 'ow I was just hit with a shovel and now I'm dead'. Scout and Heavy looked confused.
Heavy, being Heavy, spoke first. "How did Soldier know Spy was not our Spy?"
"Because he did not see that Sniper is a robot." Soldier replied stoically. "Balbo Biggins here has been Beepboop Scrappings for the whole time, and so has the Canadian!"
This time, Scout cut in, raising a hand. "Solly, Engie ain't Ca-"
"YOU ARE ALSO A SPY." Soldier shouted right in the teenager's face, closing the 5 meter distance between the two in a matter of miliseconds and smacking the Bostonian with his trusty shovel. However, nothing really happened this time besides Scout's neck spinning, snapping, and finally hanging limp from the teenager's body. The three men, and boy, stood staring at each other, unsure of what to do in such a situation where they had killed a Spy and Soldier was in Trolldier mode. The Bostonian's head was snapped the entire 180 degrees, and his face was that of sheer confusion.
"Didn't hurt." Scout said finally.
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"Siiiiiiiister..." came a distant, echoing voice. "Wake uuuuuuuuuup..." Luna couldn't see anypony who might be in the darkness, or the usual aura that appears in her head whenever her sister is nearby, so her main assumption was that she was unconcious for some reason. Why would she end up unconcious? Those robot-pleasuring-tool-things seemed...friendly, enough. Did they hit her?
To find out, Luna slowly opened her eyes. The sliver of light in the centre slowly expanded in width as her mind began to pick up surroundings. In front, a Royal Medic leaned over her, face blurred by her still recovering eyes. Behind, the roof was one she recognised as Twilight's, and it was...stained with blood? Oh no. Was she nothing but a dismembered head? Did those creatures kill her body?
She tried moving her limbs, and after some struggling she lifted a hoof to her face. Good, those still worked. Smiling weakly, she sat up, and was greeted by the most horrific sight she had seen since that one battle all those years ago. The bodies of the creatures were now strewn all around the room, each bearing lacerations, holes, and stumps where entire limbs had been cut from their sockets. Several of them, in fact, had been killed with their own gardening tools. She noticed, however, the 'Demopan', 'Spycrabs', and 'Sniper' weren't lying in the carnage, so she had something to be pleased about. However, upon noticing the fleshy corpses again, Luna tried to keep the contents of her stomach firmly in place, and looked to the Medic tending to her.
"Princess, it's good to see you're alive." said the stallion. "From what we can gather, when those two beasts ran in and began to kill off these harmless creatures, you were inadvertently hit with some kind of construction tool. You had a skull fracture, which we promptly fixed with high-level magic, and nothing else. Your sister is here to speak with you, Princess." His job done, the colt stood up, retreated to a nearby corpse, and began to write notes on the inner workings. A light touch went to Luna's shoulder, and she looked to the source to find Celestia smiling warmly at her.
"Thank goodness you're alright, sister." Celestia sighed happily, leaning over to nuzzle her younger sister's smaller neck. "When those two creatures ran in, and accidentally hit you with a spanner, I thought you were gone."
"They hit me with a spanner?" Luna asked, rubbing her head after breaking the embrace. "Why would they do that?"
"I'm unsure myself." Celestia replied. "I know that at least one of them is rather gentlecoltly, and helped me up after accidentally knocking me onto my flanks, but I can't tell much about the other except that he wears a hard-hat. I had guards take them into custody, due to their unprovoked slaughter of these innocent creatures, so you may go outside and speak with them if you wish." Luna began to stagger to her hooves and put on her regalia.
"Thank you, Tia." she replied. "I will be having talks with the two of them. Long talks."
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"Ah, piss." Sniper groaned for the 956th time since they'd been in the prison carriage. To his sides sat two heavily armed guards, and in a locked chest at the end of the carriage were his and Engineer's weapons. Thankfully, they hadn't found the dispenser in the basement of Twilight's house, so as long as that was there, there'd be no issue if the weapons ran out of ammunition when the ponies became curious of the 'long stick with the telescope'. However, in spite of all warnings, there was a pair of guards picking up the guns, even daring to pose with Engineer's Widowmaker.
"SILENCE, BRUTE." snarled one of the guards, pointing a spear into the Australian's face. "YOU ARE CHARGED WITH THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF-"
"-The Princess of Night, her majesty Princess Luna." Sniper finished for him, resting his head in one of his hands. "Anythin' you bloody say's gonna be used against ya at your execution, with no chance of bloody bail. We've been through this 'undreds of times, mate. I get it." The guard glared at him for a few seconds more, before returning to his usual stoic expression.
"Y'all better not mess with my contraptions." Engineer warned one of the guards at the back. Said guard simply turned and smirked at the human.
"Yes?" laughed the trooper throatily. "And what can you do about it, beast? You're not so strong, now you've been stripped of your weapons!"
"Should we even call them that?" snorted the other soldier, levitating Sniper's SMG. "They could barely even scratch a trainee's leather tunic! Look at these: no enchantments, no blades, no crossbow mechanisms, nothing! These wouldn't hurt a fly!"
"Suit yourself." Engineer chuckled, placing his shackled hands behind his head. The guards either side of him tensed, but relaxed only slightly at the movement. "When y'all accidentally kill another fella, just know that it'd be damned painful fer that guy. I know: I've died before thousands o' times."
Before any of the guards could tell him to shut up, the door slammed open. Quickly, every soldier in the room stood and saluted, practically kicking the two humans so they would do the same. Of course, this caused Sniper and Engi the least amount of pain ever possible, and so they sat there, leaning forward to see who was at the door. Stood in the doorway, to Engineer's shock, stood a midnight blue mare, with a free flowing mist-like mane. She seemed to be wearing some form of royal jewellery, and had both wings and a horn. From these details, both assumed she was the sister of 'Princess Malaria' or whatever her ludicrously British name was. She had a curious stare, giving the impression that she was the least mature of the sisters.
"At ease." she said with a rather soothing voice. All guards in the carriage calmed immediately, and sat down. The Princess looked the two humans over, before turning to a nearby door guard. "I request a moment alone with these two. Guards, take your leave." Cautiously, and part confusedly, all guards in the room saluted and left, each giving a death glare to the humans. When the room was empty, she sighed.
"So," she began, pacing in front of the two. "Which of you two is willing to give the truth?"
"I was the one that smacked y'all in the head with my wrench." Engineer sighed sadly, looking down at his boots. "Sorry." Luna turned to Sniper. "And you?" she asked with an emotionless raise of the brow.
"Nothin'." Sniper grunted. "All I did was gut a few BLU Soldiers, and now you're arrestin' me best friend and me for doin' our bleedin' jobs. What's the bloody point, Shiela? What's the bloody point?" Luna was taken aback by his foul mouth.
"Can you stop using such expletives?" she asked rather frustratedly. "And what do you mean, 'doing your jobs'? That isn't a job: it's just murder!"
"Back where we're from, we're paid to kill those darned Soldiers." Engineer cut in. "If we don't kill BLU team, they kill us. When they kill us, we come back. And the entire damned cycle repeats itself, missy. We ain't sayin' we ENJOY our jobs, but we sure as hell keep doin' 'em." Luna stopped, and contemplated this.
"Well, you can stop doing them now." she replied. "I don't even know where you two are from, so you won't be needing to do your jobs for a while. Until then, you'll remain under close watch. Hitting me in the head with a spanner-"
"Wrench." Engineer corrected, before using his hands to mime holding a spanner. "A spanner is smaller than a wrench, and's more suited for loosenin' smaller bolts, while a wrench is more for frontline engineering and for hittin' spi-"
"-WRENCH." Luna spat with a sudden venom that stopped Engineer from being awkward with his hands. "Hitting me in the head with a WRENCH is not something you tend to walk away from easily."
"To be honest, Shiela, I snapped these cuffs in half ages ago with no effort." Sniper answered smartly, raising both hands to show that he had, in fact, ripped the chain in half. "I think I coulda walked outta here a while ago. Engi?"
"Same." Engineer replied, "I just chose not to, cuz I knew your 'trained soldiers' would flip their lids if they'da seen me fiddling with Teddy Roosebelt here." The Texan gestured to a small doll sat in his tool belt. It was almost a spitting image of the human, with goggles, a hardhat, and little fluffy arms hung over the sides of the small pocket. If Luna hadn't have been irritated by the rudeness of the humans, she would have 'd'awww'd at the tiny teddy in the pocket. But she was irritated, so she didn't.
Just then, there was the sound of a chugging motor outside the carriage. All three occupants of the stationary vehicle looked to where it was coming from, each with differing levels of interest. Luna already knew what it was going to be, but was interested in WHICH one it would be, while Sniper and Engi had no idea what it was in general. All of their questions were answered when a metal head appeared in front of the barred window. It was robotic recreation of Sniper's head, peering into the carriage in what could be described as a cheerful manner.
"G'day." it said, looking at the occupants. Luna giggled lightly, and mocked a salute.
"G'day." she mimicked. The robot nodded, then fell backwards. A few seconds later, the door suddenly burst open, in charging a sight that caused Sniper and Engineer to gasp in shock and cower behind Luna. The Princess was slightly aroused when one of the human's 'hands' grasped her flank, but she was also very amused to see the two warriors that cut down a good few hundred of the other creatures cowering from two other creatures.
"Demopan?" asked the Demopan.
"OK, mate." replied the Sniper-bot.
"Bloody hell!" Sniper yelled, cowering even more behind Luna.
"Y'all're just bein' cruel, Princess!" Engineer cried. "We surrender! Just don't let that damn Demopan open trades with us!" Luna's ears pricked up.
"Well...why?" she asked.
OBVIOUS JOKE INBOUND.
"Stout Shako for two refined?" Demopan practically yelled in Luna's face. Reeling back, and opening one eye, she looked at the robot. In one hand, he was holding a Red Shako, offering it to her. His other hand, however, was outstretched in the universal sign that he wanted something in return.
"For...what?" she asked. "Two refined?"
"It ain't even worth that much, Shiela!" Sniper cried. "Don't do it!" Luna figured that if he said it was a bad deal, he would probably know, since the robot was probably from his world. She looked the robot in the single, glowing eye.
"I appreciate the offer, but I shall have to decli-"
WHUNG!
Luna's entire world went blurry again, as she was mercilessly hit with a frying pan. After staggering about slightly, she sighed contentedly at the pretty little birds in her head and passed out on the floor. All four humans/human shaped robots looked at the twitching Princess in horror. They were in some REAL trouble now.
"Demopan?"
"Nope." Engineer replied, walking to the cabinet, and looking for a first-aid kit.
"OK, mate." Sniper-bot replied, putting a thumb up.
"Nice shot." Sniper grinned.
"Aye, thanks." said Demopan.
"Medic!" Engineer yelled. He didn't know why he yelled it, it was mostly just instinct. He didn't expect an answer, but...
"MEEM."