//------------------------------// // Maniacal Laughter (Part II) // Story: Let's Be Evil! // by MythrilMoth //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle closed her locker and cheerfully greeted the girl whose locker was next to hers. "Hi there!" The girl stared at her. "You're...you're purple." "Um...yes?" Twilight replied, faltering slightly. "You're purple. And kinda fuzzy. And why do you have wings?" the other girl asked. "Umm...well..." "Like, Oh Em Gee, check out the FUH-REEK-show!" a girl's voice proclaimed from behind Twilight. "Like, gag me! What is she, like, one of those like, furries or whatever?" "Like, Ell Oh Ell! She is SO totally a furry freak!" "Like, totally gross! Do you, like, think she, like, has sex with like, farm animals or some junk?" "Arr Oh Eff Ell Emm Ay Oh!" Twilight cowered against her locker, shrinking in on herself, as the crowd of popular girls closed in around her, laughing and taunting her... **KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK *WHUMP* "OWW!"** Twilight shot bolt upright in bed, heart pounding. "Just a dream...just a really weird, bad dream..." She frowned at the noise from downstairs. "What the hay?" Downstairs, Twilight found her friends crowded around Derpy, who was straining under the weight of a large pink box. "Sorry, Twilight, I forgot to deliver this yesterday," Derpy said. "I had...problems with my route." "It's...it's okay, Derpy. Thank you. I'll just..." Using her magic, Twilight levitated the box into the library. The others gathered around. "Whut th' heck's this?" Applejack asked. "I don't know," Twilight said. She opened the box and levitated out five separately wrapped parcels, each labeled with a drawing of a cutie mark. A letter floated to the ground; she opened it and read. Hi everypony! By the time you get this, you'll probably know I marenapped Princess Celestia. Don't worry, I'll take good care of her! Oh, and you have to find us. I put five clues to where I am on five bombs I planted aaaaaaaaaaaall over the world! You have until midnight Friday to find the bombs, or you lose the clues! And, y'know, stuff blows up. Oh, and put on these outfits. Hope to see you by Saturday! Unless you don't figure out the clues or my bombs blow up or something. If you don't make it to where we are by noon Saturday, I win! Bye-bye! Good luck! Your bestest evil friend Pinkie Pie Twilight's left eye twitched. "What...the...f—" "AHEM," Rarity interrupted. "So it seems Pinkie Pie has truly outdone herself." "Wait, did she say midnight Friday?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "That's TODAY! TODAY'S Friday!" Twilight Sparkle gasped. "Oh my gosh, you're right! That mess with the poison joke cost us a whole day and...she said they're all over the world? How the hay are we going to..." She paused. "Oh wait, there's a P.S." P.S. Here's where the bombs are! ♥ #1: Nippony. Rarity should handle that one. #2: Mexicolt. I want Dashie to go there. #3: Hoofrica. Fluttershy's the right pony for that one. #4: Gnu Zealand. Applejack, you're up! #5: Canterlittle. That's all yours, Twilight! Some of those are pretty big places, but I left plenty of hints laying around for you to find the bombs! - PP Applejack heaved a sigh. "Okay, that's helpful an' all, but...how're we gonna git ta all'a them places in less than a day?" "And find the bombs? And stop them?" Rarity added. "We'll just have to do our best, girls." Twilight pointed a hoof at the door. "TO THE MAREPORT!" "Wait!" Rarity said. "You forgot something!" "What?" Twilight asked. Rarity pointed a hoof at the parcels containing their outfits. Twilight facehoofed. "Rarity, we don't have TIME for—!" "It may be important," Fluttershy said quietly. "Or, um, not." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Okay. FINE. Make it quick so we can get going!" * * * * * Inkie and Blinkie came downstairs to breakfast to once again find a lavish spread laid out by the ruler of Equestria. "Um, excuse me, Princess Celestia?" Blinkie asked. "Yes? What is it, my little pony?" Blinkie looked at the alicorn who was sitting in the family kitchen drinking hot tea, a worried expression on her face. "Not that we're not happy to have you and all, but...is it really okay for you to be away from Canterlot for this long?" "I was wondering that myself," Clyde said as he entered the kitchen. "I mean no disrespect, Your Highness, but...this is all just startin' to look a mite peculiar." Celestia sighed, setting her cup down. "Yes. Yes, I suppose it does," she said. "And I certainly cannot continue making up excuses for why I'm here." The Pies looked at one another, confusion on their faces. "Pinkie Pie," Celestia called, "would you please come to the kitchen?" Pinkie bounced in a moment later. "What's up?" "Pinkie, your family is becoming concerned as to my prolonged stay here. I believe it's time we told them...the truth." Pinkie gasped. "Oh, I was afraid of this. I didn't want to get them involved..." Now the Pies looked really worried. "Involved in what?" Inkie asked quietly. Celestia took a deep breath. "As you know from our dinnertime conversations over the last two days, Pinkie Pie is one of the current bearers of the Elements of Harmony. She has assisted in protecting all of Equestria from dangerous evil beings on several occasions. "We have reason to believe a foreign nation—I will not say which one, because our information may be inaccurate—is going to make an attempt on my life in the near future." The Pies gasped. "While the Canterlot Royal Guard are certainly not inequal to the task of protecting Equestria, to say nothing of myself personally, it is unwise to expect them to be prepared for every possible contingency. And should something happen to me—and despite my great power, I am far from invincible—their task will be first and foremost to secure Equestria and its citizens. "Therefore, I have asked the Elements of Harmony to engage in a special training operation." Celestia paused for a sip of tea. "Being the most capable, tenacious, loyal, and determined ponies under my rule, I know I can trust Pinkie Pie and her friends to do what the Guard is incapable of. Therefore, we are running through a series of scenarios in which their unique abilities might be required." "Like a royal marenapping!" Pinkie said cheerfully. The Pies turned that over in their heads for a long moment, heads tilted. "Hold on there a minute," Clyde said. "Am I hearin' what I think I'm hearin'?" "I'm playing the part of a foreign terrorist!" Pinkie bubbled. "I marenapped the ruler of Equestria—not for real, it's a training exercise—and my friends have to find and rescue her!" Pinkie's family stared hard at her, jaws agape. "I assure you, nopony on this farm is in any real danger," Celestia said. "This is just a secret training mission. Nopony in Canterlot will ever know where I've really been this whole time, or what really happened. Once Twilight Sparkle and the others arrive, I will be out of your manes." The Pies looked from Celestia and Pinkie to one another, back, then back again. At length, Clyde shook his head. "Runnin' a country must be really complicated..." "But wait, why bring her HERE then?" Inkie asked. "I mean, if you don't want anypony to know—" "DUH, I told you two days ago, nopony in Ponyville knows I grew up on a rock farm!" Pinkie huffed. "Well, except the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but there's no way Twilight would ever ask them where I might be because who'd think they'd know anything?" Clyde frowned. "But if your friends have had two whole days to find you...I mean, I reckon Equestria's pretty big, but if'n the Princess herself has this much faith in y'all, shouldn't they have...I dunno, been here by now?" Pinkie looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Weeeeeeellllllll...the bombs are probably slowing them down a little." EVERYPONY stared at her. "BOMBS?!" * * * * * Rarity stared at the Nipponyese writing over the door. "I certainly hope this is the place," she said. The outfit Pinkie had left for Rarity was rather striking, and had turned more than a few heads on the airship: a sleek yellow track suit with black trim. There had also been a certain...accessory included with the outfit that left Rarity somewhat apprehensive. Almost the instant she arrived in Nippony, she had found the clue: a fawn wearing a card around her neck that had Rarity's cutie mark painted on it. Once the little fawn had seen Rarity, she started leading her around town. Once they had arrived at their present location, the fawn had scampered. "Alright, I'll just...slip in here, hope this is the right place, look for the bomb, stop it from exploding...a relatively simple task." Swallowing, Rarity slid open the door with her magic and entered. She immediately came nose to nose with almost two dozen deer in black suits. At the head of the herd was a buck with large antlers, who had a black mask covering the top half of his face. "Um...I...was just wondering..." Rarity hesitated, raising a dainty hoof, "is...is there a—" The masked buck screamed something in Nipponyese, and suddenly the entire herd drew sharp, deadly-looking swords and pressed in on her. Rarity reared, frightened. "I—I say now! If I'm in the wrong place, I apologize, but really, this is—" A sleek doe darted forth and struck, slicing off a hank of Rarity's mane. The unicorn's eyes narrowed. "Oh, it. IS. ON." Her saddlebag opened, and the razor-sharp curved sword Pinkie had provided her with floated out. She took hold of it with her teeth and charged... * * * * * Rainbow Dash felt tense as she crossed the border into Mexicolt. She could feel many pairs of eyes upon her, and they weren't friendly. Idly, she scratched at the leather and metal bindings encasing her left front hoof. The red longcoat Pinkie had given her fluttered in the gentle, dusty wind. She was half a mile into the dusty, downtrodden border town when she became acutely aware of the burros watching her. They wore intricately threaded saddleblankets with colorful patterns, yet for all the color in them, they seemed somehow as dull and drab as the burros themselves, as colorless as the town itself. Their faces were shaded from the glaring sun by large sombreros. They had hard, cold expressions as their eyes followed her. They had guns. Big ones. A very small burro, similarly attired to the others but not near as cold or hard, trotted up to her. "Señora Rainbow Dash?" he asked in a thick accent. "Uhh...yes?" "You will come wi' me Señora," the tiny burro said. Without waiting for a reply, he trotted dutifully up the dusty street. With a cautious glance at the armed burros watching, she followed. * * * * * The airship came to a dead stop in midair above the lushest, greenest, densest vegetation Fluttershy had ever seen. A deck steward approached her. "I'm afraid there is nowhere for us to dock below, miss. You'll have to proceed on your own from here. But not to worry! Rest assured we will still be here when you are ready to return." "Th-thank you," Fluttershy said. She fished a few bits from one of the many pockets of her Daring-Do outfit for the steward, who tipped his hat. With a deep breath, Fluttershy leapt from the deck of the airship and glided gracefully down toward the beauteous green mass of Hoofrica. As she descended, she wondered which half of the continent Pinkie Pie's bomb was on. Hoofrica was divided into two separate nations: Zebrica and Giraffrica. She desperately hoped the bomb was in Zebrica, because she knew nothing about Giraffrica except that the native giraffes looked down on ponies. Literally. Gliding lower, her eyes picked out a tiny village. As she steered toward it, she felt relieved as she began to see striped forms moving about. With a hopeful smile, she descended with slightly more speed. Five minutes later, she daintily landed in front of a zebra with a slightly glazed look in his eyes. He blinked at her, looked her up and down, then snorted. "'Sup, pizzle?" he asked. Fluttershy swallowed. "Um. Hello. My name is Fluttershy, I'm from Equestria—" "Fo'rizzle, pizzle? Shizzle." "Um, yes, and I...I've come here looking for something—" "We gotta lotta somethizzle hizzle, pizzle." "—er, right, so I'm just wondering if—" He held up a hoof to silence her, then gestured for her to follow. She did so dutifully, and after a few minutes, they approached another male zebra. "What up, zibba?" her guide said. "Yo, peep out this pizzle." This new zebra looked Fluttershy up and down, then smiled. "Greetings and joyous tidings, my little pony," he said with a deep, cultured voice. "I take it you hail from Equestria, no?" "Um, yes," Fluttershy said quietly. "My name is Fluttershy." "I am Zemunda," the zebra said grandly. "This is my friend Zizzle. Welcome to Zebrica." * * * * * After seeing the others to the mareport and using her authority as Celestia's personal student to ensure they got priority airship passage, Twilight Sparkle took the train to Canterlittle. Canterlittle was a name most ponies knew, but a place few ponies had ever visited, or even knew the location of. It was, put simply, Princess Celestia's private beach cottage: a tiny palace overlooking the sea, with a gently sloping path leading down to the private beach on one side, and a longer, less travelled path that led to a quaint little village three miles away that almost nopony even knew existed, and that Twilight herself had only ever visited once: Seapony Sands. The trail from the train depot to Canterlittle took about a half hour to walk and wound around the edge of the cliff atop which Canterlittle was perched. Twilight, dressed in the same outfit Future Twilight had appeared in during the silly misadventure with Starswirl the Bearded's time travel spell, tried to enjoy the sounds and smells of the sea as she climbed the cliff. When she reached Canterlittle, however, she discovered that nearly a third of the little palace was entirely missing, the insides laid bare and overrun with seagulls. "What...what HAPPENED?" she cried. "Oh...oh no. Did...did Pinkie's bomb go off...?" "Twilight Sparkle?" a voice called from far below, barely audible over the raucous birds and the hammering of her own heart. Looking down to the beach, she saw a Seapony with a salmon-colored coat and shimmery light blue mane and scales. "Wavedancer?" Twilight called back. She galloped down the beach path, and in less than a minute, had skidded to a halt by the water, spraying sand around her hooves. "What the hay happened to Canterlittle?" The Seapony shook her head, spraying Twilight with ocean drops from her mane. "It was just awful, Twilight," Wavedancer said. "A couple days ago I saw this pink pony haul a huge box into the palace, but then yesterday..." She paused. "Yesterday...?" Twilight prompted. "Yesterday, a terrible cyclops came along, tore apart the palace, and ran off with the box!" Twilight gasped. "A cyclops stole Pinkie Pie's bomb?" "Oh, is that what that box was?" Wavedancer asked. "...wait, WHAT?" "No time to explain," Twilight said. "I need to find that cyclops." Wavedancer flicked her tail up the coast, in the opposite direction of Seapony Sands. "She went that way." "Thanks, Wavedancer," Twilight said. "It was good to see you again!" Before the Seapony could reply, Twilight was off and running. * * * * * Rarity stood in the center of a ring of carnage, mane completely in disarray, lather showing through her track suit. Her sword weaved in the air in front of her, expertly parrying clumsy strikes from the masked deer. All around her, deer lay twitching. She hadn't actually killed any of them, but she'd inflicted enough cuts to incapacitate them. "You do well against my street soldiers," the masked buck said in stilted Equestrian, "but it was foolish of you to come here and challenge the Grazy 88." "Look, you ruffian," she hissed, "I didn't COME here to fight the 88 whatever. All I came here for was to find a bomb and disarm it." The buck halted mid-strike. "A bomb?" he asked. "Yes. A pink mare placed a bomb somewhere on these premises, and I have only a few hours to—" "BOMB!!" the masked buck yelled. Everydeer screamed and scrambled for every available exit—and made quite a few where none previously existed. Rarity blinked. "WELL!" she huffed, tossing her mane. "That was insane and utterly pointless." At that precise moment, her horn lit up. She allowed her magic to drag her to the storeroom at the back of the tea house, where she found a small chest full of tiny diamonds and sapphires, and one huge, clear crystal she couldn't immediately identify. "Oooooh!" she squealed. "Now where's that..." She blinked. She hadn't noticed it at first, but the sapphires in the chest spelled out the word "BOMB". She stood, speechless, for a long moment. Then, she shrugged. After taking care to make sure there was no actual bomb underneath the gems, she carefully packed them all back up in the chest, slipped it into her saddlebag, and left. * * * * * "In here Señora," the little burro said, leading her into a small, shabby church. As they ducked inside, Rainbow Dash grimaced. "Uh, listen...I didn't get your name—?" "I am Antonio Antonio Antonio de la Antonio del Antonio," the little burro said. "But everyburro calls me Cinco." Rainbow Dash sweatdropped. "Err...right, uh, Cinco...listen, could you just tell me where the thing Pinkie Pie left here is so I can deal with it and go?" "Señora Pie said you wou' be coming for the box," Cinco said, "an' she left i' here wi' mi abuela, but..." Dash's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh...you mean I was too late?" "Señora Pie's box, i' was taken by El Toro Con Queso," Cinco said. "He runs the local banditos." Cinco looked at Dash with sad, pleading, world-weary eyes. "Please, Señora Dash, I beg of you to stop El Toro Con Queso. We are a poor town, an' no can fight banditos." Rainbow Dash sighed. "I should just let this Toro Queso jerk blow himself up with that bomb," she muttered, "but we might really need that clue..." She shook her head. "Okay, tell me where this Toro guy is so I can kick his butt!" "Oh, gracias, Señora!" * * * * * "So, what brings you to our fair and bountiful land, Miss Fluttershy?" "Oh, um..." Fluttershy paused. "I'm looking for something a pink mare may have left here a few days ago. I'm not sure if it's in Zebrica or Giraffrica, though." The two zebras looked at one another. "Fo'rizzle?" Zizzle asked. "Yeah, I seen a pink pizzle." He pointed with a hoof. "She went through the jizzle, to the wazizzle, fo'shizzle." Fluttershy blinked. "I'm...sorry...I didn't quite—" "Please pardon Zizzle, fair pegasus. He overindulges in a certain herb. It has somewhat addled his wits." "Buck you, zibba." Zemunda shook his head. "In any case, it would appear your pink friend went through the jungle, to the common watering hole we share with the giraffes, on the border of our two lands." He smiled easily. "I will guide you there." "Oh, thank you so much!" Fluttershy said. "It is my pleasure to assist such a fair mare," Zemunda said. As they entered the jungle, they greeted many zebras. "Wow, no two of you talk alike," Fluttershy mused after a while. Zemunda raised an eyebrow. "Is it not this way where you hail from, miss?" Fluttershy blushed. "Um, well...yes, I suppose. It's just that..." She ducked her head. "It's just what?" Zemunda asked politely. "Oh, um..." Fluttershy looked away. "I've only ever met one zebra, so I was kind of expecting you to all talk like her." "An understandable error of assumption, and I am in no way offended," Zemunda said amiably. "Who among our kind, pray tell, have you had the pleasure of meeting?" "Um, Zecora," Fluttershy said. Zemunda threw back his head and laughed. "HAHAHA! Indeed! Has she driven you and your ponykind quite mad with her incessant rhyming?" Fluttershy winced. "Oh, um...it's not that bad," she said. "Sometimes it's rather lovely." "She is from this very village, you know," Zemunda said. "Really?" "Yes." He chuckled. "She left because of a rather cruel prank some of the villagers insisted on playing on her." Fluttershy frowned. "What...did they do?" "They kept giving her oranges." Fluttershy blinked. "Oranges?" "Oranges," Zemunda repeated, nodding. "I...don't understand. Is she...is she allergic to oranges, or does she not like them, or—" "Miss Fluttershy, can you think of a single word that rhymes with orange?" Zemunda asked with a tilt of his head. Fluttershy blinked. "Oh," she said softly. * * * * * Twilight was two miles from the ruined palace when she caught sight of the cyclops' footprints. They were huge, misshapen, and deep. They curved inward away from the beach, toward a network of limestone caves. She swallowed nervously; she'd dealt with large creatures before, certainly, but it was never a proposition she relished, and here, she was all alone, with nopony to help her. As she trotted closer to the caves, she heard a horrendous moaning. Her hooves trembled. "Whatever's in there, I hope it isn't hungry for pony," she said quietly. She teleported just inside one of the cave entrances, then crouched low to the ground and listened intently. Doing some quick mental calculations, she determined which direction the monstrous sound was coming from, and crept carefully closer, taking great care to do nothing whatsoever to alert the beast within to her presence. Within minutes, she knew she was just one short tunnel away from the beast's lair; indeed, there was a warm fire glowing within. Stealthily, wishing she'd taken the time to perfect the invisibility spell she'd recently read about, she entered the warm, fire-lit cavern... "WHO GOES THERE?!" Twilight froze in shock. The cyclops stood, towering over her. She was immense, with pale skin and long, matted purple hair. She stood on two legs. She wore patched, frayed black pants and a ripped, stained white shirt, with massive gray leather boots on her enormous feet. Her huge, bloodshot eye glared down at Twilight from above a mouth that was rimmed in cake frosting and crumbs. "Um...hello," the unicorn began nervously. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and, um...I was just wondering..." Twilight swallowed. "Did you, by any chance, happen to find a really big pink box recently?" The cyclops narrowed her eye dangerously. "YOU CAME TO STEAL MY CAKE!" she accused. "What? No!" Twilight said, laughing nervously. "Well, um, that is..." "THIS IS MY CAKE!" the cyclops roared. "I DESERVE IT AFTER WHAT THAT JERK DID TO MUH..MUH...MEEEEEEE..." she trailed off into pitiful, wracking sobs, sinking to her rump wih a thunderous crash that knocked Twilight off her hooves. "Um...are you...okay?" Twilight asked as she righted herself. "I'M JUST FINE!" the cyclops wailed. "JUST...JUST FUH-FUH-FINE..." She broke off, sobbing. Twilight crept closer and sat primly before the massive, crying beast. "Tell me what happened," she said gently. * * * * * Dash barged into a saloon full of seedy ponies and mean burros drinking hard cider and laughing raucously at dirty jokes. At the back of the saloon sat a massive bull surrounded by gun-toting cronies and teetering stacks of cheese wheels. "HEY!" she shouted. "You El Toro Con Queso?" The saloon went quiet as everypony looked her over. Then they all started laughing. The bull stood up, grunting and snorting steam. "Hwell, let us see," he rumbled. "I am un bull, I am having mucho queso...sí, I am El Toro Con Queso." He glared at her with beady, blood-red eyes. "And hwo are you?" "I'm Rainbow Dash," the pegasus said, eyes narrowed in self-assurance. The crowd in the saloon erupted into laughter. "Rainbow Dash?" the bull sneered. "Is that it? That's the toughest name you can come up wi', chica?" Dash glared at the obnoxious bull. "You want a tough name? Okay then. You can call me..." She thought about it for a long moment, then grinned. "Dash the Stampede!" The crowd ooohed, impressed. "Tha'ss a tough name, jefe," one of the burros said. "I no wan' to mess wi' her so much no more." The bull snorted. "Hwatever. You talk tough, but you are not'ing more than a prissy leet'le pegasus." "We'll see about that!" Dash retorted. "Give back everything you've stolen from the townsburros, or else!" The bull laughed grandly. "Or else...hwat?" Two minutes later, parcels of cheese, sacks of bits, miscellaneous keepsakes, splintered wood, bruised and battered outlaws, and one severely abused bull rained down on the tiny border town. The burros who lived in the town all cheered in the streets even as the massive multihued mushroom cloud slowly dissipated. "Muchas gracias, Dash the Stampede!" Cinco said. "You have saved our village from the banditos! We are eternally grateful!" "I just hope I didn't blow up Pinkie Pie's bomb when I rainboomed the bad guys," Dash said. "Oh no, it is very safe right here!" Cinco said, pulling a small pink box from under his sombrero. Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped. "WHAT?! You had it the whole time?!" "Sí Señora," Cinco said, shuffling his hooves in the dust. "I am very sorry for lying to you, but i' was the only way to get you to help my village..." Rainbow Dash sighed. "It's okay. Hoof it over." Dash opened the box to find a postcard inside. On one side was the word "BOMB!" in big pink letters. On the other side was a close-up of Pinkie Pie licking a huge ice cream cone. Dash's left eye twitched. "So...bucking...dead..." * * * * * "Oh my, this IS quite lovely," Fluttershy said. The jungle path opened onto a broad lake fed by three streams, two of which formed the border between Zebrica and Giraffrica. Several zebras milled at the edge of the lake on their side, chatting and sipping water; the same was true on the giraffes' side. Some of the giraffes were chatting with zebras across the narrowest stream, and a few giraffes were plucking fruits and nuts from the highest branches of trees on their side and exchanging them for herbs and trinkets the zebras had. "This serves as our common social gathering ground and, as you can see, an ersatz marketplace," Zemunda said. He stepped up to a knot of zebras and a lone giraffe conversing near the narrowest point of the stream. "Pardon me," he said richly, "this lovely young pegasus has come to claim the item the pink pony left here." "Oh, has she now?" the giraffe asked, licking his lips. "And what has she to trade for it?" Fluttershy drew back a step. "Oh. Um. I...didn't bring anything to trade." "Well then, that's your loss," the giraffe said. "Wait, you don't understand," Fluttershy said, trying to stand firm. "What you're holding is very dangerous." "Oh, I should say," one of the other zebras said. Two nearby zebras snickered. "No, you don't understand, I really, really MUST take back what Pinkie Pie left here. It's for your own—" "DO you think us FOOLS?!" Zemunda thundered. "WE know what you have come to steal, DARING DO! YOU come to claim the ALICORN ARK, but WE—" "Um, I don't know anything about an Alicorn Ark, and I'm not actually Daring Do, you see—" Zemunda wasn't listening; he was on a roll. "—secrets that the Ark holds—" "If you'd just listen, please, I—" "—its TREMENDOUS POWER, our DARK GOD AHUIZOTL WILL RISE AND ENSLAVE THE WORLD—" Fluttershy blew her bangs out of her face. Her eyes narrowed. She took wing. "LISTEN, you STUPID little zebra! All this time, pretending to be my friend, just so you could lure me here and make some BIG, STUPID SPEECH that DOESN'T MEAN ONE FEATHERY THING!" The zebras instinctively stepped away from her, and even the giraffe seemed to shrink slightly. "I only came here to find a STUPID BOMB that my STUPID FRIEND left here as part of her STUPID GAME that I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PLAY IN THE FIRST PLACE, and I don't give TWO FAT SMELLY RABBIT FARTS about some RIDICULOUS ALICORN WHATEVER and I'M NOT DARING DO SHE DOESN'T REALLY EXIST AND NEITHER DOES AHUIZOTL so just GIVE ME THE STUPID BOMB ALREADY SO I CAN GET OUT OF YOUR NOT-NICE COUNTRY!" She dropped to the ground, huffing. After several deep breaths, she added, "Um, please." The zebras looked at one another. "But...but the holy words..." one said, producing a copy of Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone. Fluttershy facehoofed. "It's a novel. A story. A pony who lives in Baltimare wrote it." "And this one too?" another zebra asked, producing a different Daring Do book. "Yes. And all the other Daring Do books. They're not real." The zebras and the giraffe looked at one another, blinking. One zebra, notable only for his unusual green mane and protuberant eyes, finally said, "Well they are rather cracking books." Five minutes later, the zebras had given Fluttershy a golden box as broad in the base as a filly's wagon and twice again as deep. With a deep, steadying breath and a prayer to Celestia, she lifted the lid... Inside, there were two pieces of paper. One was a note, the other was a photograph. "There isn't really a bomb in here, Fluttershy. Here, have a nice picture of Manehattan! — P.P. P.S.: Sorry about the Daring Do outfit. I couldn't find any tree costumes." Fluttershy felt her face contort as a headache like none she had ever had pierced through her brain. Every living thing in the jungle, including the jungle itself, seized up in panic as the normally timid little pegasus threw back her head and screamed. * * * * * "...and that's when he luh-luh-leeeeeeft!" Twilight scowled. "Well he just sounds like a great big jerk," she said. "He ih-huh-huh-iiiiiis!" "There there, get ahold of yourself," Twilight said. She levitated a blanket from her saddlebag and offered it to the cyclops, who blew her nose with such force it nearly put out her fire. "You...you deserve better. And you'll find that special somepony someday, just wait." The cyclops sniffled. "Th-thank yuh-you. Yuh-you're suh-such a guh-good listener." Twilight smiled. "It was my pleasure." The cyclops sighed. "That cake...was it really yours?" "A friend of mine left it at Canterlittle," Twilight said. "I came here to find it." "Oh...I'm sorry," the cyclops said. "I didn't mean to steal it, or to wreck that cute little palace...I was just so distraught, and so upset, and I smelled cake, and it smelled so good, I just..." "It's okay," Twilight said. "Well...actually, it's not okay. I think you might've eaten a bomb." The cyclops' eye widened. "A what?" "A bomb. It's a long story and I don't really have time to tell it, but that cake was probably a bomb." "Oh...oh my gosh..." The cyclops looked down at her stomach. "Now that you mention it, it DID have sort of a bomby aftertaste." "Err...right..." Twilight shook her head. "I'm sure the Seaponies have some medicine for you. Maybe a good laxative to, you know, get it all out of your system..." "Do you think they'll help me?" the cyclops asked. "Sure they will! You can always call upon the Seaponies when you're in distress." Twilight smiled. "But there is one thing..." "Anything," the cyclops said. "You've been such a help, just name it." "Was there anything written on the box or taped to the cake or anything like that?" Twilight asked. "There was supposed to be...something, I'm not sure what." The cyclops tilted her head upwards, scratching her chin with a thick, stubby finger. "Well..." She rummaged behind her and dug out a crumpled pink box. "I didn't SEE anything like that, but..." Twilight took the box and examined it, frowning. "No, you're right, there's nothing..." "Oh, but wait!" the cyclops said suddenly. "Now that I think about it, there was a really pretty, colorful, very detailed picture drawn on the icing." "A picture?" Twilight asked, cocking her head. "Of what?" "A farm," the cyclops said. "Rows of things growing in the dirt, a fence, cows and sheep, a big windmill...it was really detailed." "A farm, huh?" Twilight said, frowning. "Alright. Thanks, you've been a big help. I'll tell the Seaponies to be expecting you." The cyclops waved at Twilight as the unicorn galloped down the tunnel. * * * * * Shortly before midnight, four weary mares trudged into the library. Twilight was already waiting for them, drinking tea while she paced. "Oh, there you all are!" she exclaimed. She took in their weary, dirty, less-than-pristine forms and blinked. "What...what in the world happened to you girls?" "Ugh..." Rarity moaned. "This has been, without a doubt, the worst. Day. EVER." "Ah hear ya, Rares." "Yeah, tell me about it," Rainbow Dash muttered. "I'm gonna KILL Pinkie Pie when we find her." "It...couldn't have been that bad, could it?" Twilight asked, blinking. "That's easy for you to say, darling," Rarity said. "YOU didn't get attacked by a herd of sword-swinging deer." Everypony stared at her. "Sword-swinging deer?" Twilight asked. "That's nothin', I had to put the smack down on a town full of burros with guns, and this one really big nasty bull that was their leader," Dash said. "Ah had t' russle up a herd o' stampedin' roos," Applejack said. "Twern't so bad, except for th' sheep that kept tryin' ta mount me." "Well I met a lot of very rude, mean, stupid zebras," Fluttershy put in. Twilight looked around, ears flat. "Wow, and I thought I had it bad, having to console a cyclops with a broken heart." "Oh, if ONLY the rest of us had it so EASY!" Rarity moaned. "So anyway, did everypony get the job done?" Dash asked. "I...didn't get to my bomb in time," Twilight admitted. "The cyclops ate it. But I think the clue was a farm Pinkie Pie drew on it in icing." Her ears twitched and she wrung her hooves fretfully. "I hope she's going to be okay..." "I wouldn't worry about it," Fluttershy said kindly. "If it was anything like what I found, there was never a real bomb in the first place." She produced the letter and photograph she had found and placed them on the table. "Yeah, that's pretty much what I found too," Dash said, sliding the postcard onto the table next to Fluttershy's picture of Manehattan. "Well, I found this," Rarity said, placing the chest of gems on the table. "I don't know what that big one in the middle is, but there's certainly nothing ELSE in here but common diamonds and sapphires." "Well, this was all Ah found," Applejack said, hoofing a glossy poster onto the table. "Jes' a picture'a some donkeys playin' some kinda funky music." "HEY!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, fluttering closer to the table and picking up the poster. "It's ASS! They're the best rock band EVER!" "ASS sucks," Fluttershy said quietly. Rainbow Dash rounded on her. "EXCUSE me?!" she demanded. "Oh, um, nothing," Fluttershy whispered. "Nooooo no, I heard you. Say it again. I dare you." Fluttershy cringed, but quietly muttered, "ASS sucks." "THEY. DO. NOT. SUCK!!" Rainbow Dash thundered. "Why would you even SAY that? What do you even KNOW about ASS?!" Fluttershy took a deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath... "They claim to play hoofy metal but their style can barely even be called hard rock at best, their costumes and copyrighted face makeup are obvious and poorly-executed ploys to market their image, their stage theatrics are a thin smokescreen to cover up the lackluster quality of their music, and their lead singer is a conniving underhanded backstabbing self-serving opportunist who has sold out every one of his band mates for self-gain at one point or another throughout their career." Everypony stared at her. Rainbow Dash's ears wilted. "Oh yeah? Well, uh...okay then miss suddenly an expert on rock and roll, who do YOU listen to?" Fluttershy looked away, bangs obscuring her eyes. "Ramstein," she said quietly. Dash's jaw dropped. Twilight cleared her throat. "Okay, so we have five clues. The clues and locations were numbered in the original letter from Pinkie Pie, so..." She pulled that letter from her saddlebag, examined it, then arranged the four clues in order on the table. As an afterthought, she wrote "FARM" on a scrap of parchment and added it to the end. "So...big crystal thingie, Pinkie eating ice cream, a picture of Manehattan, a poster for THE BEST ROCK BAND EVER, and a farm," Rainbow Dash summed up, looking at the clues and frowning. "I don't get it." "Me neither, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Hmm..." Twilight levitated her quill and began scratching furiously on a fresh parchment. After a minute, she shook her head. "There has to be some hidden meaning to these clues," she said. "Well, except farm. I hope that one's exactly what it looks like, because I never actually saw the drawing." "Maybe we won't need that one," Applejack suggested. "Okay, let's start with the ones we do have." Twilight frowned. "I doubt Pinkie Pie took Princess Celestia to Manehattan, there's no way she'd be able to hide her from everypony, so..." "Maybe that one means 'city'?" Rarity suggested. "That makes sense," Twilight said. She laid her parchment on the table and drew four long blanks on it, then filled the third one in with "CITY". "The poster could be 'donkey', 'ASS', 'rock', 'band', 'group', 'music'..." She scratched all of those in beneath the fourth blank. "We'll come back to that later." "The first one must be 'crystal', Fluttershy said. "I dunno," Rainbow Dash said. "Crystal ice cream city? I don't think there's any such of a place, is there?" "If there was an ice cream city, Spike would've moved there years ago," Twilight said drily. "Hmm..." She studied the first two clues for a long moment. "Rarity," she said, "you're absolutely sure you don't know what this big crystal is?" "Positive," Rarity said. "But you can identify any gemstone or precious mineral on sight," Twilight said. She lifted the irregular crystal with her magic and studied it. "Hmmm..." After a moment's thought, she brought it close to her face and gave it a tentative lick. "Eww! Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, pulling a face. "It's okay, Rainbow Dash. It's just salt." Twilight's eyes gleamed. "It's salt! Girls, I just solved the riddle." "You did? Really?" Fluttershy asked. "Yup." Twilight grinned, and her quill hovered over the parchment... A moment later, the other four let out a great "aaaaah" of collective understanding. "Rest up, everypony," Twilight said. "Tomorrow morning, we're going to the Salt Lick City rock farm." * * * * * Pinkie and her sisters were eating breakfast when the air started to shimmer. Pinkie's mane stood on end. "Whuh-oh," she muttered. "What's happening?" Inkie asked. Blinkie peered outside and gasped. "There's some kind of...shimmery wall around the farm!" A magically amplified voice shook the earth. "PINKIE PIE! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, AND WE KNOW YOU HAVE THE PRINCESS! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY OR WE'LL KICK YOUR PINK MARSHMALLOW BUTT STRAIGHT TO THE MOON!!" Inkie blinked. "Whoa. Whoever she is, she sounds REALLY mad." Celestia walked into the kitchen. "Is that Twilight Sparkle I hear?" she asked. "Eeyup," Pinkie said. "She sounds...rather upset," Celestia said. "Eeyup." Celestia sighed. "Well, you'd best surrender then. No matter how clever you are, Twilight Sparkle is—" "The most powerful unicorn in Equestria, yeah," Pinkie said. She sighed. "Oh well, fun family reunion's over, time to go!" * * * * * The five mares circled the front of the house; Twilight's barrier ensured Pinkie would not be able to escape from the back. Pinkie Pie and Princess Celestia trotted out of the front door. "Hi everypony!" Pinkie chirped. "Wow, it took you a really long time to find us! Were my hints that hard?" "No, we just had...other problems," Rarity said. "We lost an entire day to the Cutie Mark Crusaders joining the game unexpectedly," Twilight added. "Princess! Are you okay?" "Oh, it was HORRIBLE!" Celestia moaned, swooning. "First, she blasted me with her Party Cannon! Then, using an army of Parasprites, she—" "PARASPRITES?" Pinkie interrupted, pulling a face. "No Parasprites?" Celestia asked. Pinkie shook her head. "Okay, what, then?" "Um...it was...mutant cupcakes!" "THEN, using an army of HORRIBLE MUTANT CUPCAKES, she carried me off! Off, far away from Canterlot, to—" Twilight Sparkle stared levelly at the Princess. "She told you about the game and you decided to play along because you thought it was funny," she said flatly. Celestia laughed nervously. "Aheh...well, erm...yes." Twilight Sparkle blew upwards on her bangs. "I'm starting to see why that stupid phoenix of yours is such a turd." Rainbow Dash exploded in laughter. "Oooooohmygosh...she...she...she said...SHE SAID TURD!!" "Soooo what's this about the Crusaders?" Pinkie asked. "They sprayed th' whole durn town with poison joke," Applejack said. "Ooooh," Pinkie said, eyes wide. "That's a good prank. Wish I'd thought of it." "I'd say your little stunt more than topped theirs," Twilight said drily. "Why'd you bring the Princess HERE of all places, anyway?" "Because it's my home," Pinkie chirped. "I was born here." Everypony stared at her. "On a ROCK FARM?" they shouted. "Well, yeah! I'll have to tell you all the story some day." "Ain't much t'tell," Clyde said as he walked up behind Pinkie. "Pinkamena was born and raised here on the farm, then one day she got her cutie mark and up an' left." "Oh, Dad," Pinkie said, waving a hoof playfully at him. "Oh, hey! You guys need to meet my dad! And my sisters! And then we can have a victory party!" "An' then put an end ta this ridiculous game?" Applejack asked, eyes half-lidded. "No, silly! Fluttershy and Twilight still haven't played!" Inkie nudged Pinkie's flank. "Game?" she asked. "I'll explain later," Pinkie whispered. "Wellll...a party is the LEAST you can do for all the sheer HELL you put us through," Twilight said. So yeah, okay."