THE PONION
Equestria's Finest News Source
May 14th, 2013
Stories This Issue
Canterlot Police Stumped by High Number of Unsolved Crimes, LOCAL, 1A
ERS Apologizes For Unfairly Targeting Tea Parties For Audits, NATIONAL, 1B
3D-Printed Party Cannon Released, BUSINESS, 1C
Canterlot Police Stumped by High Number of Unsolved Crimes
CANTERLOT—Police in the nation’s capital have expressed their concern over a growing number of crimes for which they have absolutely no suspects and no evidence.
“This is a concerning trend. We have no idea who these murderers, thieves, and rapists are. They hardly ever leave a trace,” said Canterlot Police Chief, Gold Badge, at a press conference today.
In the majority-unicorn city, three ponies were shot and two were stabbed over the weekend in separate incidents, and crime scene investigators went to work trying to find possible suspects, but came up short.
“Look at this knife, the murder weapon,” one investigator said, holding up a plastic zip-lock bag containing the bloody knife.
“There’s not a single hoof-print, lip-print, tongue-print or anything on this knife for us to see who possibly could have used it to stab this stallion to death. We know it wasn’t wiped off, because there’s still blood all over the handle. And this happens on a regular basis. How are we supposed to investigate with criminals who never seem to leave a trace? It’s like these murderers never even touch the murder weapons.”
Canterlot has an abysmally low clearance rate, and crime in the unicorn-filled capital of Equestria has been at a higher level than in almost every major city nationwide, with the exceptions of Chiclopo and New Horseleans.
“Half the time when we do come to a crime in progress in time, we try and run after the perp but then, BANG! We all duck just in case it’s gunfire, and then we look back up and the suspect is simply gone. This happens almost half the time we’re pursuing somepony. It’s like they disappear into thin air,” one beat cop, Donut Finnegan, told a reporter.
Violent crime is not the only issue in Canterlot; property crimes have been rampant as well.
“I just sat down on a bench in the park the other day, so I could birdwatch,” one local mare recounted in an interview, “There was nopony else around for at least twenty yards in any direction. I set my purse down beside me. Then, I thought I saw a meadowlark fly by. So I turned to look, glanced around, but couldn’t see it anymore. But then when I turned back not five seconds later, my purse was gone!”
“It’s like it just floated away or something,” she added.
However, police have stressed that the situation is not all negative.
“Despite these setbacks, we do have some good news,” the Police Chief said, “Canterlot has the lowest rate of drug-related offenses of any city in Equestria.”
“That’s reassuring,” said one stallion to a reporter, ”at least I’ll have the comfort of knowing that the guy who murders me is doing it because he truly hates me, and not just because he’s high.” Ω
ERS Apologizes For Unfairly Targeting Tea Parties For Audits
CANTERLOT—Speaking at a press conference today, the commissioner of the Equestrian Revenue Service revealed that his organization had unfairly targeted tea parties for audits.
“It has come to my attention that the ERS has been going after tea parties disproportionately. On behalf of the ERS, I sincerely apologize and promise to go after all parties equally: whether they are tea parties, pizza parties, garden parties, balls, or galas,” said Tax Chaser, the head of the ERS.
Parties are given tax-exempt status as long as no pitch money is collected and no admittance is charged, in which case the cash from these parties must be reported as income.
The scope of the ERS audits was revealed when we interviewed one Ponyville mare who had been audited for having a tea party with her animal friends.
“I was having a tea party with Angel Bunny, Mr. Mouse, and Mr. and Mrs. Beaver,” the mare, a forest ranger named Fluttershy, told us, “When all of a sudden this stallion with a clipboard knocked on the door. I opened it up and he barged right in and started asking me if this was a for-profit party. I told him no, and he said, ‘a likely story’ and then started asking me all these tax questions.
“He asked me whether I itemized or took the standard deduction, whether I could consider these woodland creatures as dependents, and how much money I was making off of this tea party. He told me that if I answered wrong, I would owe thousands of bits and that it would serve me right. I didn’t know how to answer, so I broke down in tears until my accountant arrived.”
“It was awful, just awful,” she added.
Tax Chaser continued, “For years, we have striven to make sure that we maintain objectivity. Whether it’s our progressive tax structure which taxes higher-income ponies a higher percentage of their income, or our disallowing deductions for personal losses while allowing them for business losses, we have tried our best to make sure that our unfair rules apply to everypony equally. But today, we have failed you, Equestria. For that, I offer my most heartfelt apologies and beg for your forgiveness.”
These revelations in addition to other ongoing scandals are sure to bring more scrutiny to immortal alicorn goddess Princess Celestia and her administration, especially given her joking statements made last year at a state dinner about tea parties.
“I’m not too partial to tea parties myself,” said the Princess, “I’m more fond of cake parties, or the Summer Sun Celebration, or the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Well hey,” she continued, “Maybe I’ll just send some auditors to those tea parties. That would be funny!” Her statements received chuckles from the crowd.
Many taxpayer advocacy groups have vowed that they won’t rest until they uncover the true depth of this scandal.
“We will find every tea party that has been unfairly targeted and we will represent them in court. This administration is the most corrupt in our nation’s history,” said Taxpayers United of Equestria spokestallion, Deduction Seeker.
“Well, actually, it’s the only administration in our nation’s history. Which proves my point,” he added. Ω
3D-Printed Party Cannon Blueprints Released
PONYVILLE—Pinkie Pie Industries, Inc. announced today that it had released the blueprints for a 3D-printed party cannon.
"Now everypony can throw a party wherever they want!" the company said in a press release.
3D printing is a complex process by which a printing machine extrudes small strands of molten plastic in layers, building up the desired product bit by bit.
The 3D-printed party cannon is still not perfect; it requires a firing wick made of rope which cannot be printed. It also is only good for shooting one party, as opposed to factory-made cannons which can fire multiple parties.
The enormous printer required for making the party cannon also costs thousands of bits, so don't expect to see too many of these printed cannons around anytime soon. As the technology becomes more available and advanced, prices will surely drop, meaning more party cannons.
However, the company soon had to withdraw the blueprints due to a government request.
"We asked Pinkie Pie industries to withdraw these plans," said a government official who asked not to be named, "These plans could enable dangerous ponies to get their hooves on party cannons and use them to throw drug-fueled raves."
The ERS was also announcing that it was conducting an audit of Pinkie Pie Industries.
However, now that the plans have been released, they are publicly available and thousands of copies of the plans have been made. It will now be impossible to stop transfers of these plans to ponies who want to replicate them and make their own party cannons.
A recent article in Foalbes revealed that thousands of DIY-ers were in the process of printing these cannons using the blueprints.
At press time, sources confirmed that society had yet to collapse from thousands of illegal parties. Ω
FINANCE
Dow Pones: 15181.80, +90.12 (0.60%)
MLP 500: 1646.87, +13.10 (0.80%)
Stocks rose again today as investor optimism remained at a high following Friday's uplifting, spontaneous musical number by Pinkie Pie.
SPORTS
Soccer riots broke out in the country of Fancy today as the national soccer team won a resounding victory. Equestrians continued to not give a buck about soccer.
WEATHER
Wednesday: Winter will finally be wrapped-up, following the equester budget cuts which laid off thousands of pegasi cloud-moving teams and delayed Spring's full implementation for almost two months.
Thursday: It will reach a high of 70 degrees by mid-afternoon. Clothes will definitely be unnecessary today.
Friday: Temperatures will reach a scalding 90 degrees. More like FRY-day, right?
CLASSIFIED
We need a maestro for our orchestra. Must have adequate baton-waving skills. Must be classy and dress in a tuxedo.
-Octavia
I'm looking for some phenyl acetate, chrome alum, and monohydrogen phosphate for an experiment I'm conducting. If anypony has these ingredients, I'd be willing to pay a premium for them.
-Twilight Sparkle
I'm selling my old sky-yacht. Will accept nothing less than two million bits. Non-negotiable. Harrumph.
-Jet Set