Why am I in a cartoon?

by Frake

Chapter 9 (Look before you sleep)

Alright, so last week was a bit of a FUBAR and I was more than a little wary of returning to find out what the results would be, but I didn't want to be found out by the rest of the world, so return I shall. Needless to say it will be awkward and unpleasant, but I just have to man up and do it. Putting off any more procrastination I grabbed my remote and made sure my handgun was still strapped to my back before getting it over with.
So I once again found myself in Ponyville, but this time I was at a cross street in the middle of town and it had just begun to rain, fantastic. It's not like I couldn't take a little rain, I had lived in Seattle for many years and I could handle it, but the wind was really starting to pick up and I could even hear some thunder not to far off, so I thought it would be a great idea to go find shelter. Down one street I could see the tree library and I wondered how safe that really could be, but down the other street was the Sugarcube Corner and in the main window I could see Pinkie Pie. Now this would have been fine, except that when I laid eyes upon her, she immediately froze up and ever so slowly started to turn her head towards me with a look that screamed terror. Well, as much fun as that sounds, I think I'm going to go with door number one, the door that doesn't have my new greatest fear behind it.
As I raced down the street, I could feel the big yellow streak down my back, but I didn't care and I kept running as I was pelted with rain. I made it to Twilight's door and started to frantically knock, which got me a perturbed Twilight, but I still didn't care as I barged my way in.
"James, what's the big idea? You are acting like Nightmare moon is on your tail." I gave a unconvincing smile and responded,
"Oh it's nothing, I just wanted to see you so badly and now that I have I must say that you are looking particularly beautiful today. Say! We should do something together, maybe play a game, preferably in your basement with a Spike, so that we aren't alone." I shuttered after that and Twilight frowned before saying,
"Spike is in Canterlot on royal business, but Rarity and Applejack are here, we are going to have a slumber party. Ohhh, you should join us, it's going to be super fun." I looked over at Applejack and Rarity, who looked like mice trapped in a maze and I continued to support a fake smile before saying,
"Oh, you know what? I totally forgot that uhh... my house is on fire... yeah and I should probable take care of that, cya!" I pulled out my remote and fumbled for the return button, but I was to far slow as Twilight magic'd it out of my hand and she responded,
"But you said you wanted see me and I quote 'So badly', I'm sure you can stay for my very first slumber party, can't you?" A powerful sad face was use upon me and I frowned fiercely before saying,
"But, but, but... my burning house and fire and... you're not buying it, are you? Why would you even want a boy at your party anyway? Isn't the number one rule of a girls slumber party 'no boys allowed?" Twilight looked shocked before she pulled out a book from one of the shelves and leafed through it. When whatever she was looking for was found she said,
"For a girls only party yes, but we can do a boys and girls slumber party, It says that those are even more fun!"
"Crap." I whispered under my breath, before responding,
"Alright, I guess I can do this for you, since it is your first one ever, but let's not make a habit of it okay?" She was all grins before yelling out,
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this, I swear." However she was wrong, and right away, because right off the bat we started things with a facial, but not only that we were doing full makeovers (Oh God). I sighed deeply and waited for the evil to end, trying to send my mind to that place where all men go when they tune something out, a place without thought if you will. Sadly I couldn't reach my nirvana, because two annoying mare were constantly fighting with each other, so I just bared my teeth and waited for death to claim me, but just like a bitch, death denied me the pleasure.
After the mud masks came off, the hair curlers went in, which I was not thrilled about at all, but on we went and soon we got too ghost stories. Applejack and Rarity continued to insult each other, but in story form, and at this point I was starting to get pissed off at them so I decided to tell them a ghost story they would never forget.
"Hey Twilight, why don't you go make some popcorn and cookies, no slumber party is complete without them." I told Twilight and her eyes lite up before she rushed off in to the kitchen, leaving just me and the two bickering harpies that were making my life more difficult. At that moment the lights went out due to the lightning and I pulled out my mini flashlight on my key-chain. Flipping it on, I started my story,
"This is the story of Red Jenny, You see, it all started with a funeral of a father, he had died in a war and left his only daughter to live with his recent wife. This made her the stepmother of the little girl, who's name was Jenny and Jenny hated her stepmother. Now the stepmother wasn't the greatest woman in the world, but she didn't deserve what happened to her. What, do you ask, happened to the stepmother... well, Jenny had been reading an ancient book her real mother left her and it contained her entire family lines history, including a spell of the blackest magics from times forgotten. Jenny had never considered enacting the spell, but when her father died, her heart broke and all she was left with was hate.
So in the dead of night, Jenny opened her book by candle light and started the spell that very vaguely described cursing the enemy of the caster with a demon of the underworld. Jenny, being the naive little girl that she was didn't take heed of the warning that came with the spell and cast it with nothing but pure hate in her heart.
What happened next would remain legend for the next hundred years and whispered about in dark taverns across the land. Jenny's spell summoned a demon alright, but not in the way she wanted, because the demon was summoned within her as a small egg. The egg grew at an amazing speed and soon Jenny's body was torn apart, leaving behind a small demon that could almost pass as the little girl, except for the blood red body and sharp claws on its digits. The demon went to work as the spell dictated and the screams of Jenny's stepmother could be heard for miles it was said. It was so loud that it brought around the local guard to investigate, but when they got to the house and opened the door, only one guard survived the monsters rampage.
The guard didn't live long afterwards, but he was able to tell the story of what happened to him and his men, and how they could hear it's mournful cries, just before they opened the door. It escaped in to the woods behind the house and many searches where launched to find and kill the demon that looked like a girl, but she was never found.
It was sighted roaming from town to town, killing those on the outskirts without mercy every few years and any survivors would say they same thing, It sounded like a little girl, crying. So remember, if you ever hear the cries of a little girl around midnight, it might just be Red Jenny, coming to kill you and your family." and with that I screamed and the girls screamed with me, before they started to hug each other in pure fear. The lights came back on at that moment and Twilight came back in with the treats before she yelled out,
"What happened to you girls? You look like you just saw a ghost." I smiled at Twilight and said,
"Oh don't worry, I just told them a Ghost story I made up, I guess it was a little to much for them... Hey girls, it's not a real story you know." They both cracked open there eyes and looked at me like I had done unspeakable things to them before Applejack was able to speak up,
"Y-y-y-y-you m-m-made that up? That was the scariest thing I have ever heard in my entire dog gun life... You Big Jerk!" Rarity nodded and said,
"That was too much James, I'm going to have nightmares for the next week because of you!" I smiled sheepishly, feeling bad about going to far with my revenge and I decided to apologize,
"I'm sorry girls, you both were being so annoying that I thought I would scare you a little, but I didn't think it would be that bad, I was told scary stories like that when I was a child and they didn't freak me out as much as you two are." They both looked at me with disbelief and Rarity said,
"This is a normal ghost story for you and you were told ones like it as a child? Who ever did that to you should be whipped with a thorny vine and forced to eat hot peppers until they puked!" I giggled and said,
"Yeah, my mother was pretty pissed off when she found out that my father had told me such stories too, she made him sleep on the couch for giving me nightmares." This time Applejack spoke up,
"Your Pa did this to you... what the heck is wrong with humans, that's just not right." I shrugged and said,
"Sorry girls, I'll remember to never use my scariest stories from now on." They both sighed before forgiving me, but they did warn me that if it happened again there would be 'dire consequences'. I nodded and we all moved on to making smores, even though we had more than enough snacks, Twilight said we had to do things by the book. So we ate smore, but wouldn't you guess, the girls went back to arguing, even when they knew I scared them because of it, I guess they just had to get it out of there systems.
After the food we moved on the truth or dare which soon had Rarity soaked and Applejack in a dress, but they continued to argue so I decided to intervene.
"Girls! Knock it the hell out, I don't really know why you both are at each others throats, but I have to warn you that I'm not above dealing out spankings if you keep this up." They both looked at me with deadpan stares and I knew that I had made a mistake, for they then gained evil grins before Rarity said,
"Hmm, quite right dear, I do feel just awful... well, I guess it's my turn. So James, Truth or Dare?" I grimmest and thought for a second, 'If I pick dare, then I know I will be doing something awful, but truth may not be much better, screw it I'll go with truth.' So I said,
"Truth." and sealed my fate as Rarity responded,
"So about that kiss last week, how was it and did you like it?" I sighed in defeat, I don't know how she knew how to choose the best question, or maybe it was just obvious but I had to answer so I said,
"It was Fantastic, It was one of the best kisses I have ever had, are you happy you harpy?" She continued to grin and said,
"Oh, not quite yet, but the night is young." I sighed again and said,
"Truth or Dare, Twilight?" My best choice I figured and she choose truth.
"Alright, umm, have you ever been drunk and if so what was your first experience like?" She blushed and responded,
"Yes I have and my first time was with Celestia's special wine she keeps in her room, after a few hours I ran down the hallways of the castle screaming a little song I made up. It was something about my name... I can't remember, but I do remember that my brother had to come and get me from the tallest tower and stop me from my rantings." We all chuckled at Twilight's painful memory and it was now her turn.
"Okay, how about it Applejack, Truth or Dare." Applejack considered before saying,
"Truth." So Twilight returned,
"What is the weirdest place you have ever had sex?" I nearly fell out of my chair, sex questions, and from Twilight the pure none the less, that I wasn't expecting. Turns out Applejack wasn't expecting it either because see did fall out of her seat and stuttered out,
"W-w-w-what!?" Twilight giggled and responded,
"You heard me." Apple just continued to look stunned before responding,
"I-I-I ah shucks, It was in a schoolhouse alright? I can't believe I'm tellin ya this." I couldn't either, so I said,
"damn that's kinky, the weirdest place for me was against a tree but that's pretty mild, comparatively." This got a few laughs and defused the situation to the point that Applejack didn't look like she was going to die from embarrassment. Applejack sighed and said,
"You're up again, Sugarcube, what'll be?" I still didn't want to do dare so I said,
"Truth again." and she responded,
"I was hopin you would say that, So, who are you more attracted to, Pinkie or Fluttershy? and I do mean sexually." (Oh fucking hell) I slapped my hands in to my face before asking,
"Uh, is dare still available?" Applejack shook her head no and I made a little whimpering noise. "I don't know, before last week I didn't even find ponies attractive and now I can't get them out of my head, it's driving me freaking nuts." Apple grinned evilly and said,
"That doesn't answer my question sugar." I stared death at her and responded,
"Okay, look, I guess I would say that I'm an ass man and Pinkie defiantly wins in that regard, but Fluttershy has some amazing curves, ugggg, If any of my family heard me say this they would be having conniption fits. Umm, Fluttershy has this sweet and shy thing that I absolutely love, but Pinkie is funny and nice and don't tell anyone but I find her special brand of crazy to be oddly sexy in ways that I can't even begin to fathom. So I don't know, give it time and I might be able to tell you, but right now I am just trying to figure out how I can find your species sexy." I got a sympathetic pat on the back from Apple, but Rarity was snickering softly, so I knew where my next victim was.
"Rarity, Truth or Dare?" I said with steel in my voice and I could see the fear in her eyes, but I would not relent so she said,
"I guess dare darling, please be gentle." I gave my most malicious smile and responded,
"You wish, I want you to dye your coat and mane for the night to look like Applejacks." She blanched and look like I had physically struck her, but they rules were Iron clad, for a supposedly fun game, and she was forced to go in to the bathroom and do it. Several minutes later, Rarity came out of the bathroom, looking like a weird combo of both herself and Applejack, which made everyone burst in to laughter, especially because of the look on her face. I decided that this was photo worthy and took a picture on my phone, which no one seemed to notice, lucky me. When the laughter had died down I decided that this probable enough and said,
"Well I think we are done with Truth and Dare, now that we all have been utterly embarrassed." There was a round of nodding and Twilight said,
"Right, what's next on the list?.... Ah a pillow fight? What's that?" I started to explain when a Pillow struck me in the side of the head and I looked over at Rarity who had an evil glint in her eye, but then I got another one on the other side of my head which caused me to growl before holding up a pillow up and saying,
"Prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life." I then proceeded to cock the pillow like a shotgun, much to my own surprise and amusement. I would explain the pillow fight, but really I feel it wouldn't be necessary, I mean sure it had magic and lasso's in it, however it was still just a pillow fight. Anyway, it lasted for a good half an hour until we all got the aggression out and were left with a satisfying brawlers afterglow. At this point I asked,
"So are you two done arguing?" They both smiled at each other and proceeded to apologize for there transgressions and we all decided to call it night. There was one problem however, there was only one bed, but amazingly, it was large enough for all three of us and I found it a little odd.
"Why would you have an extra bed that is large enough for a human?" Twilight just shrugged and made a none committal noise. I sighed and said,
"So, how are we going to do this? Should I just sleep on the floor, or maybe Twilight can give back my remote and I can go home." Twilight giggled and shook her head no, before saying,
"You are all going to sleep together, that's what the book said you should do." I facepalmed and responded,
"Really? Isn't that more than a little silly, plus I like to sleep in just my boxers, so this really makes me nervous." Twilight decided to wonder aloud,
"Why do you wear clothes anyway?" I gave her a deadpan stare and said,
"This is hardly the time or place to discussed human habits and oddities." She smiled sheepishly before saying,
"Right, sorry, anyway go ahead and get in bed, I'm not going to take no for an answer by the way, It's in the book, so it has to be done." I sighed at Twilight's OCD tendencies, but complied as I got in to bed, wondering if other people had to put up with these sort of crazy things in there everyday life. I soon found two ponies blocking my way out of bed as they started to snuggle up to me, like I was some sort of big pillow or something. I just excepted that this was really happening and decided to get comfy, pulling two scoops of warm, fuzz pony up to me.
All in all, it wasn't really that bad and I did sleep like a rock, it was a strange experience to be sure, however, given enough time I think I could really begin to enjoy it. Oh on a side note, turns out that a tree fell on the ponies house right next to the library, no one was hurt and the damage was minimal, but I did find it odd that we didn't even hear it... just thought I would share that.