//------------------------------// // Godhood for Beginners // Story: The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted // by defender2222 //------------------------------// "Now, I am sure you are all wondering why you are here," Doctor Freudian Slip said, looking over the top of his little spectacles at the group before him. They were gathered in a small rec center in east Fillydelphia (born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my… oops, sorry, wrong story). "Each one of you is clearly a monstrous villain that needs to be reformed." "Even me?" Pip said, raising his hoof. "Especially you," Dr. Slip stated, allowing a bit of disgust to color his words before he regained control of himself. "Now, let us go around the room and state who we are and what we do." A stallion dressed in blue and white space armor stood up, his spikey black mane nearly poking the eye out of the pony sitting next to him. "I am Prince Vegggie Eatta. I work as a mercenary for an intergalatic space tyrant who destroyed my planet." “And I am Nappa Valley!” A huge bald stallion next to him proclaimed. “I am hilarious and you will rip off my jokes and claim them as your own.” Slip nodded. “Next?" A clown pony stood up, his green hair slicked back against his white forehead (though other than his face, he was purple). "I am Killing Joke... did I ever tell you how I got these scars?" "Isn't the better question 'why do you feel the need to point out your scars'?" Slip asked. Killing Joke sniffed, tears gathering in his eyes. "Because I am just so lonely...and when I was five my Uncle Bubbles touched my no-no place!" The stallion let out a wail and a pony wearing a blue and silver (he was the one with a cobra as his cutie mark) hugged him as he cried. "Good, good... see, we are making progress. Now then, what about you, miss." "I am Princess Misty and in a few weeks my entire race is going to wipe all of you out." Dr. Slip shook his head sadly, his horn glowing as he brought up his clipboard. He looked at the capricorn princess and nodded. "Misty, don't you think that this is all just an over-reaction to the death of your father?" "Yup," Misty said. "Still going to kill you." "Uh... why?" "To create a plot device that will give the series of events that are occurring to the main cast a sense of weight," Wall Breaker said, poking his head into the room. "I really don't see the problem here... we know it is an empty threat because this is a parody series and even if they do try and do it I bet they do something unexpected" "Pretty much," Misty said with a smirk. When Dr. Slip looked at her, she shrugged. "You didn't think we were going to go running in, tails swinging and chopping you all up, did you? Where is the flair? Where is the style to that?" "But... uh..." "By the way, your time is up," Wall Breaker said. "We have pottery class in here at 3." "Oh, is pottery in here too?" Misty asked, the moody capricorn suddenly smiling. "I signed up for that class too!" "Neat!" the royal guard said, trotting over to the princess and sticking out his hoof. "Wall Breaker the 4th." "Princess Misty." The princess and the guard sat down as the rest of the class came in, forcing the villains out. "Thanks for the help back there, by the way." "No problem... would you like to begin a romantic subplot with me that will run through these cold opens? We have a clear Sam-Diane thing, what with us being opposites... you are a grim capricorn warrior and I am the goofy running joke..." Misty shrugged her shoulders. "If that meant getting some coffee after class, then sure." "Neat." The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 13: Godhood for Beginners "Shining Armor," Tau Sunflare intoned, her voice seeming to boom out from all directions. The stallion looked about the country road, which had suddenly grown dark and foreboding. He couldn't find his mother-in-law anywhere, yet her magic could be felt all around him. "You have been selected as a potential candidate for godhood. Who speaks for him?" "I do," Tydal said, stepping forward. Shining did a double take; Tydal was dressed in a dark black robe, the hood hung over his eyes. On the back his crest, a tidal wave, was emblazoned for all to see. "So be it," Tau stated calmly. "And who will act as the judges?" "We will," Cadence said, stepping forth with Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis. Each one was also wearing a black robe, their cutie marks stitched in the back. "Then we shall begin the initiation of Shining Armor. These tests are designed to ensure that you are worthy of the mighty gift you wish for. They will test your strength and intelligence in ways you cannot possibly imagine. We start with the most sacred of challenges: The Night of a Thousand Paddles!" "Wait, what?" Shining said in confusion as Celestia used her magic to make a table appear. The stallion yelped as he was forced over it. "Hey, what are you-" WHACK! "OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!" Shining screamed. "Cadence!" he shouted, turning to glare at his wife, who was holding a large paddle. "Sorry, sweetie, but rules are rules." "I don't care abo-" WHACK! "AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" "The fun has been doubled!" Luna declared, playfully waved her paddle like a baseball bat before striking Shining again. Behind her Chrysalis and Celestia were lined up for their turns. "STOP THAT!" Shining screamed. "Mmm... I love that flank all red and tender," Chrysalis purred. She struck Shining, the stallion crying out as the other mares happily bounced up and down and laughed. ~Several Hours Later....~ "More ice?" Tydal asked, holding out a bucket. "I'm good," Shining said with a pleased groan, sinking a bit deeper into the kiddie pool Tydal had called forth and filled with ice. "I'm surprised you weren't lining up to give me some whacks." "I am your sponsor, Shining; it is my duty to see that you remain motivated. It wouldn't do if my motivation consisted of beating you." The capricorn rubbed his chin. "Unless you get off on that, then I could-" "I'm good," Shining said, rubbing his tender rear in the ice. "You know, when you are nice like this it is easy to forget that you commanded your subjects to brutally murder us all." "I know!" Tydal said, surprised himself. "It's almost as if we were stuck in some sort of parody series and my actions were merely a comedic episode that, due to there being no reference of how I normally behave, makes the events of the last few weeks appear quite horrific." "...have you ever met a pony named Wall Breaker?" "Once. I slammed a door in his face. Why?" "Just curious." Tydal's horns glowed and he grabbed a bottle of aspirin. Off in the distance he could hear the girls giggling and plotting and knew it would only mean pain for Shining. "Listen... there is something I could do to help. I can use my magic to unlock your latent magic. I will draw out all the hidden strength that is within you and allow you to tap into it. It isn't even close to being a god, but it will help." "Well... I guess anything would be better than nothing." Nodding his head, the old king placed his horns against Shining's (it isn't as dirty as it sounds) and sent a blast of magic into the stallion. "...I don't feel any different," Shining stated, looking at his hooves. "There wasn't that much." "... I'm basically the Yamcha of this group, aren't I?" "I don't know what this Yamcha is, but it sounds disappointing." "Oh boys!" Luna called out. "We're ready!" The two stallions glanced at each other. "Maybe it won't be that bad?" Shining whimpered. ~Ten Minutes Later...~ "-begins the second test," Tau intoned. "The test... of pole dancing!" Shining tried to cover himself as he was pulled onto the makeshift stage. He was dressed in a sparkly red speedo and his body had been coated with oil. "I... I don't know if I like this..." Shining said. "TAKE IT OFF!" Celestia screamed, waving some bits at him. "Shake your flank, baby!" Luna called out before taking another shot of hard cider. Shining whimpered and began to grind against the stripper pool. "This will replace the whale in my nightmares," Tydal muttered in disgust. "Shut up and hoot!" Chrysalis yelled at him, before letting out a cheer. "That's it... shake your flank for bits, you filthy slut!" Cadence roared. "DANCE FOR MAMA!" "Make it rain!" Tau cried out, throwing her bits into the air. Sadly, she failed to take into account that Equestria's currency was in little gold bars and thus 'making it rain' was more like 'making it hail deadly little shards of metal'. Shining screamed and ran away from the 'rain', even as the mares whistled and issued catcalls. ~Two Hours Later...~ "This is the Kobayashi Maru," Celestia stated. Somehow, during the time that Tydal had been bandaging Shining's wounds and trying to prevent him from developing PTSD, the goddesses had created, of all things, a spaceship simulator. Shining was now dressed in a gold uniform, sitting in a fancy chair, staring at a computer screen that showed a small boat, bobbing in the ocean. “It accidently sailed out of Equestrian waters and now the perytons are attacking it. If you enter their space it will be seen as an act of war. If you don’t, the Maru’s crew will die. How do you proceed?” Shining leaned forward. “Ms. Luna, open a hailing frequency.” Luna nodded and did just that and Shining smiled. “Perytons… let me introduce my first mate, Lord Tydal. He would like you to leave the Maru alone. If you don’t… well, he won’t be happy.” The capricorn king grinned, adjusting the blue shirt he was wearing. “’sup.” “…fine, you pass,” Celestia muttered. ~MC~MC~MC~ “You have passed the trials, Shining Armor,” Tau informed him. “Thank the… er… gods,” Shining mumbled, rubbing his still sore backside. “So… what-“ The stallion let out a gasp, Tau firing a bolt of magic into him. “WHAT THE HELL?!” he shouted. “Sorry, but that is the only way to give you the power to boost you up.” Shining looked behind him and frowned, seeing no wings on his back. “Sorry, it will take a while for your body to evolve into your godly form. On the plus side, you are at least immortal.” “I could test it out to make sure that’s true,” Tydal offered, swinging his tail. “I’m good.” Shining turned to Tau. “So… what exactly am I the god of?” Tau pulled out a large wheel, like one would find on a game show. “Let us check the Wheel of Godlyhood!” She spun said wheel and watched as different options ticked by. “Wheel of Godlyhood, turn turn turn, show us the powers Shining should learn. Ok… number 3.14159.” Tau consulted her Big Book O’ Gods. “Ok… so according to this you are the god of the dawn.” “Why am I the dawn?” Shining said in confusion. “Well, you do tend to wake up early,” Luna stated. “Both as a soldier and as the mother hen of this group.” “And your sister is the goddess of dusk, so it makes sense…” Celestia said. “Kind of a yin-yang thing.” “And you love doing it in the morning!” Cadence said with glee. “Indeed,” Chrysalis said with a naughty smile. Shining accepted this with a sigh. “Alright… let’s see if I got any dawny powers.” His horn sparked and magic poured out of him, the others ooohing and awwwwing as, with a burst of magic… he summoned a plate of bacon. “What the?” “Huh… so I guess being the god of the dawn means you are the god of breakfast,” Tau said. “That explains the Evil Muffin,” Chrysalis stated. “Hey!” Tydal said with a grin. “I knew it would be worth speaking for you!” He rubbed his hooves together and summoned a knife and fork. “Mind making me some pancakes? I could go for a Grand Slam right now.” “… so I am basically the god of Denny’s?” Shining said, shoulders slumped. “At the moment. I’m sure you’ll figure out other things… but for now, enjoy!” Tau spread her wings. “I’m off to play Skee ball with Mr. T! See ya!” “Bye mom!” Cadence called out, chasing after her. “I love you! Come back soon! Bye! Bye!” “Cadence, no!” Celestia called out. “Get back here! Bad alicorn!” “Hey Shining!” Chyralis called out, digging into the bacon with Tydal. “Can we get some maple syrup over here?”