Beating the Heat
or
Friendship is Kinky
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.
Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!
And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!
After reading mine first, eheh...
- - - - - - -
Prince Blueblood was cantering as best he could through downtown Canterlot, looking exceedingly cross. His eyes were narrowed, his mane was a mess, his teeth were grinding, and the few ponies unlucky enough to get in his path were treated to both his disgusted muttering and a healthy glare.
“Those lousy rotten... When I get my hooves on their common flanks and their common, sleek coats oh, they shall rue it! Rue, rue, rue!” He snarled. “Especially that yellow one, she will pay for daring to desecrate one of the great gifts to marekind”
He allowed himself a dark grin.
“Well... After she makes up for it with a little more desecration...” He stopped entirely just outside the palace gates, and allowed his grin to become a tad creepier.
“Yes, and the purple one too... Yes, you two, desecrate it, desecrate my magnificence, heheheheh...”
The Prince was abruptly knocked out of his musings by a pegasus shaped mass knocking him over.
“OOF! Why-How dare you!” Blueblood growled, getting back onto his hooves. He glared at his attacker, a gray furred pegasus with blonde hair and a mail bag across her shoulder. She was rubbing her head with a little wince. “Do you know who I am, you common piece of flying trash?”
The pegasus opened her eyes, and Blueblood reared back. She was wall eyed, and smiling at him, which simultaneously made him think she was adorable and sent a rush of heat into his loins.
These things confused and horrified the young prince at the same time.
“Hmmm... Nope!” The pegasus said cheerfully. “Do you know who I am?” She bounced up and down happily.
“What?! No! Why should I?” Blueblood growled.
“Well you really should,” the pegasus said with a nod. Blueblood snorted. He would have cast away the young pegasus, maybe even called the guards to deal with her but at the moment his mind was filled with images of her tight, round flanks moving up and down.
“Fine, who are you?” Blueblood asked flatly.
“A random cameo!” She said cheerfully. She rubbed her chin with a frown. “No, wait, the other thing... Derpy! Derpy Hooves, that’s me!” She saluted him with her hoof. “Mail pony, at your service!”
“My service, huh?” Blueblood asked, his hoof pressed against his chin thoughtfully. “Well, as loathe as I am to debase myself, at the moment all I can think about is your delicious, firm flanks bouncing up and down.”
“... Should I stop?” Derpy asked.
“Of course not!” Blueblood growled.
“Should I be concerned? Because I think I should be concerned,” Derpy replied. Blueblood grinned at her.
“Perhaps you should... Yesss...”
“Um... I’m feeling very uncomfortable right now,” Derpy said, scooting away. Blueblood advanced on her. “Extremely uncomfortable.” She worried her lower lip with her teeth.
“Come now, surely even a pony as simple minded as you can appreciate what an opportunity this is for you?” Blueblood asked with a growl. “Am I not... Magnificent?”
“Are you? I can never tell,” Derpy said, rubbing her head and frowning. “What’s that thing I was supposed to do...?”
“Lay back and think of Trottingham, my delicious mare morsel,” Blueblood suggested with a lecherous smile. He pounced, but Derpy deftly rolled out of the way and the only mouthful Blueblood got was of dirt. “PFFT!”
“No, no, that wasn’t it,” Derpy hummed, rubbing her head with both hooves now. “What was it...?”
Blueblood stood up and growled. Just as he was about to try to pounce again, there was a loud sonic boom. A rainbow colored shockwave exploded above them, expanding across the heavens and leaving a clear sunny sky in it’s wake. A great rumbling was soon felt, and both ponies’ eyes widened.
Blueblood’s in fear, and Derpy’s in realization.
“Oh! That’s right! I was supposed to fly!” Derpy said happily. She flapped her wings and left the ground, just as hundreds of stallions crashed through the palace gates, snorting and bellowing.
“OH AUNTIE NO!” Blueblood cried as he was trampled by dozens of hooves. Derpy watched this with some concern, before checking her watch.
“Back to work then!” She said cheerfully as she flew off.
A pair of ponies watched this from the shadows of the palace. They weren’t trying to hide, they just needed to enter it through a shady section of the wall. One observed it with a raise of his elegant eyebrow.
“Hm... That’s unusual,” he commented. The other pony was heavily burdened by crates and cases and groaned.
“Ohh... Why couldn’t I have gotten a wagon for this...?”
“Because it would have attracted too much attention, and as dull witted as you ponies are even you can see when things are out of the ordinary,” he sniffed. “Now, let’s get inside and get ready!”
“Nngh... Still better than birthday parties,” the other pony muttered as they entered via a secret door.
- - - - - - - - -
They were running, running for their lives from the rampaging hordes of horny stallions. Down the hallways of the palace, past beautiful paintings, past gorgeous statues, past fountains and relics of thousands of years of history. As fast as they could to save themselves.
“YEE HAA!” The Doctor cheered, a wide grin on his face. Twilight had undone her bindings and was now running next to him. A little bit behind him, riding atop Rarity, Spike shot the Doctor an incredulous glare.
“ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF?!” Spike demanded loudly.
“Well, running for my life with friends and companions from danger is second nature to me!” The Doctor replied cheerfully. “It’s familiar territory, you might say!”
“I think I know how you feel! Haa!” Twilight panted next to him. “Ever since I got to Ponyville! Haa!”
“Always something new to fix-” The Doctor began.
“Some new disaster,” Twilight sighed.
“I feel a bit like the maid. Can’t they keep things neat and orderly-”
“For just five minutes?” Twilight finished with a smile. The Doctor smiled back.
“Exactly!” The Doctor said. “Though I think it’s a lot more fun.”
“Ugh, you two are just disgusting,” Spike grumbled.
“I think it’s romantic,” Rarity said. “Though I’d appreciate that far more if we weren’t being pursued by a thousand horny stallions!”
“Me too!” Pinkie Pie cried.
The hallway ended in a large, round room with several doors around it’s circumference. The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver and galloped to one. He applied his buzzed screwdriver to the lock, and grimaced as he looked at the others.
“Sonic resistant,” he said sadly. “I think they remembered that from the last time I was here.”
“Twilight! You’ve got to do something!” Spike cried. “Blast open the doors!”
“Okay, here goes!” Twilight shouted. Her horn glowed with raw magical power, and she took aim. “YAH!” The blast left her horn, struck the door... And absorbed it quite neatly. Twilight Sparkle’s eyes widened, and she looked back at the party.
“Uh...”
“I think we’re in trouble,” Fluttershy said quietly. She looked down at the floor miserably. “I’m sorry.”
“Maybe we could throw Fluttershy to them so she could buy time for us to escape!” Pinkie Pie suggested.
“What?! No! Pinkie Pie, how could you even think that?” Rarity demanded. Pinkie Pie shrugged.
“Well, it doesn't seem like the kind of thing she'd mind...”
“I do mind! I do! Although,” Fluttershy said, grinning vapidly. “It is something I’ve imagined...”
Twilight smacked Fluttershy across the face with her magic. The butter yellow pegasus gaped at her friend in disbelief.
“Get a hold of yourself, mare!” Twilight cried. Fluttershy shook her head free of distraction, and nodded.
“You’re right! You’re right! I’ve doomed us, I’m so sorry!”
“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Twilight said with a sigh and stroke to her cheek. “It’s all right, we’ll figure something out-”
“THERE THEY ARE!” Bellowed hundreds of voices. The entire party looked and saw the stallion hordes coming through the door.
“Meep,” Fluttershy managed.
“I DON’T WANT TO DIE TIED TO THE TOP OF A MARE BEING HUMPED TO DEATH!” Soarin’ cried. “I’D MUCH RATHER DIE WHILE HUMPING HER!”
“S-SOARIN’!” Applejack cried, blushing hotly. Big Macintosh shot the pegasus a glare.
“Spike, run!” said Rarity, bending down so he could slide off of her back, “Save yourself!”
“No!” Spike held on tighter. “I’ll never leave you Rarity! I’ll go down fighting to save you if I have to!”
“That’s very sweet,” said Rarity, shaking her hindquarters to try and throw the little dragon off, “but you have to go Spike! Tell my family I died bravely! And not what I actually died doing, Sweetie Belle’s not old enough for that.”
“I’m sorry we got you into this Big Mac,” said Fluttershy, nuzzling his side. “If only there was... some way... I could... make it up to-”
“Land’s sake girl! Can’t you get a grip for one minute!?”
“I’m sorry!”
“Here!” said Pinkie Pie, presenting Macintosh with a bottle of lubricant, “this might help a little.”
She proceeded to hoof out similar bottles to everybody in attendance.
“... Oh, uh, thank you,” said the Doctor.
“Where did these come from?” asked Twilight.
“I believe in being very prepared,” said Pinkie Pie with absolute seriousness.
All at once, the room was filled with light. Twilight shielded her eyes until it died down, and lowered her hoof in shock.
“Princess Celestia!” She cried. The white coated sun goddess looked over her shoulder, her wings spread wide and tall.
"Get the Elements of Harmony, Twilight, and save Equestria," she said gravely. "I will hold them off."
Twilight gasped in horror.
“Pr-Princess, you can’t!”
“Of course I can! And I must! In order to save you-nay, ALL of Equestria!” Celestia thundered dramatically. Twilight felt tears come to her eyes as she gazed upon her wonderful mentor.
"No Princess, even you can't handle that many stallions at once!"
The determined expression on Celestia’s face changed slowly. Her mouth curved into a smile, her eyes narrowed slightly, and her tongue ran across her teeth. It took everypony a moment to recognize the expression as it had never been on Celestia’s face before: A seductive leer.
"Watch me! ...no seriously, watch me, I really get off on that."
“What,” Twilight and Spike expressed flatly. Celestia blushed demurely, and shrugged.
“A princess has got her needs,” she said. Her horn glowed briefly, and every door opened up simultaneously. “All these paths lead to the same place. Split up, it’ll maximise your chances.” She turned back to the hordes of stallions, who were torn between fear and deference to their princess, and lust.
“Go!” Celestia said again.
“I’ll never forget this, Princess!” Twilight cried. She turned. “Doctor, let’s-”
“Geronimo!” The Doctor cried as he was already running down one hallway.
“DOCTOR GET BACK HERE!” Twilight snarled, charging after him.
“Git while the gettin’s good!” Applejack shouted, charging off with Soarin’ on her back.
“Eeyup,” was Big Mac’s succinct reply as he barreled down another hallway, Fluttershy bouncing up and down on top of him.
“AH! HEY! CAN’T YOU UNTIE MEEE?!” Soarin’ could be heard yelling as they fairly flew down the hallway.
“Come Spike! Let’s go!” Rarity shouted, charging down another. Pinkie Pie looked at all of the hallways, and covered her eyes with her hoof.
“Eenie meeny-”
“If you’re looking for Braeburn, I suggest taking that one,” Celestia said, pointing at one particular door.
“MINEY!” Pinkie Pie cried, zipping down it like a bolt of lightning.
Celestia smiled, shut all the doors behind her, and looked back at her afflicted subjects.
“I’d just like you all to know, my beloved subjects,” she said, “that I will not abandon you in your time of need.” She then grinned cheerfully.
“Now, would you like to do this six at a time, or would you like to paint me white first?”
“Uh, but your majesty, you’re already white,” one stallion pointed out. Celestia snorted.
“Details...”
- - - - - - -
Like a streak of light cut from the very heart of a rainbow, a comet dove for the roof of Canterlot’s keep. The comet broke apart in five distinct streaks of light, which, as they shed momentum, soon became five distinct ponies.
Rainbow Dash hit first, bouncing bonelessly across the rooftop. She rolled like a ragdoll, her legs and wings flopping around, until she came to a stop. Her tightly shut lids slowly opened, revealing dull eyes that were pointed in opposite directions.
She smiled almost drunkenly.
“... Wow,” she giggled. “Wow... Wow... Golly gee wow.” Rainbow Dash giggled again. Four impacts rocked the roof. She lifted her head up to get a good look, and tried to shift her weight around. Unfortunately, her legs didn’t seem to be cooperating, so instead she rolled herself over with her wings.
“Haa...? Guys...?” She called as she saw the forms of the four guards nearby, all sprawled across the roof in various poses. She grew concerned. “Guys? You okay?”
“Uhhh,” Captain Galland groaned. Dash gritted her teeth and flapped her wings hard. She managed a low hover, and got herself over to the downed captain. She flopped next to him, her chin resting on his neck.
“Captain... You all right?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Oh... Miss Dash,” he managed. “Haa... Still alive?”
“Yep,” Dash reported. “You?”
“Give me a second...” Galland closed his eyes. “... Yep, still alive.”
“Wow... That last maneuver...” Her eyes went glassy. “So... Great...”
“Glad... You enjoyed it, Miss Dash,” the captain managed.
“You enjoy it?” She asked.
“Yep,” the captain said.
“I can die happy,” Mustang gasped.
“Can’t feel... Anything,” Zero groaned.
“I agree with them,” Thatch managed, his voice muffled by the rooftop tarmac.
“Good, good... It was great for me too,” Dash sighed happily. The Captain smiled.
“... Can we do it again?” She asked.
The captain’s eyes bugged out, as did those of his subordinates. Galland then snickered. The snicker grew into a laugh. The laugh became an all out guffaw.
“Heheheheh... Hahahaahahaha... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Rainbow Dash blinked owlishly at their laughter, as the rest of the guards joined in. All of them cackling and gasping for air in between chuckles. Galland found the strength to wipe his eyes free of tears and looked up at the now scowling mare.
“Heheheheh... Hahaha... Good one, ahahahaha...!”
“I wasn’t kidding,” Dash said, quite seriously.
“Haha... Ha... Huh?” Galland stared at her, as did the rest of the guards. Dash scowled at them.
“I’m still in severe heat.”
“Oh Celestia’s flanks,” groaned Mustang.
“I said I wanted to die while doing a girl at supersonic speeds, I never actually meant it,” Zero moaned.
“Mommy,” Thatch whimpered.
Galland looked to his exhausted troops, and back to Rainbow Dash.
“Sorry Miss Dash... Seems we’re... Spent.”
“Come on! One more round, you can do it!” She glared at them. “What kind of stallions are you? One little supersonic orgasm after several hours of mating me wall eyed and you can’t keep going? Unbelievable!”
Galland glared up at her. “You're acting a little high and mighty for a mare who can’t move her legs, miss!”
“I’m the one still in heat, it’s your problem!” Dash growled. “Now what I am I supposed to do?”
“Mares?” Suggested Mustang. At his comrades’ looks he scowled. “What?”
“What is important is that Princess Celestia said you were the best, that you never give up! And here you’re giving up! I demand satisfaction!” Dash growled.
Galland stared at Rainbow Dash very intensely. “Miss Dash... We have done everything in our power to satisfy you. If you’re still not satisfied, then we just have to try something else.”
“You’d better!” Dash growled.
“ZERO! MUSTANG!” Galland barked in his command voice. Despite their fatigue, the two guards got to their hooves. “Hold her down.”
“Ah?! What?!” Dash gasped. The soldiers shrugged and limped over to her. They took her by her shoulders and dragged her onto her stomach. She flapped her wings a few times, but they pushed her down with their own. Despite her bluster, after everything that had happened Dash was far too tired to push them off.
“Thatch? The riding crop,” Galland ordered. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened as Thatch slowly trotted over to his captain, pulled out the requested item, and hoofed it to Galland. Galland examined it briefly, before trotting over behind Rainbow Dash.
“Ah, hey, no! Hang on, what are you doing?” Dash gasped.
“What any good leader does, Miss Dash,” Galland said quite reasonably. “Adapt and improvise. Now, please recall just how bad of a girl you are.” He grinned around the riding crop, before he brought it down on her flank with a harsh swat.
- - - - - - - -
“My goodness,” said Rarity as she ambled down the hallway, her eyes wide and taking in the opulence around her. “The princess certainly does know how to decorate. Those tapestries are breathtaking. And this carpet is simply delightful to tread upon.”
“Uh, shouldn’t we be hurrying?” Spike asked nervously from atop the unicorn’s back. “I mean, Princess Celestia is single-hoofedly holding off about a thousand lust-crazed stallions so we can find the Elements of Harmony and save everyone, right?”
“I think we can give her a few minutes,” Rarity said dryly, “Oh, look, sconces!”
“Sconces,” Spike said with a sigh. “Right.”
“Oh don’t be like that darling,” Rarity giggled, “how am I to help myself when surrounded by such beauty? Oh the style, the glamor! It inspires me.”
She turned her head to smile slyly at the little dragon and give him an exaggerated wink.
“How about you, Spike? Are you feeling... inspired?”
Spike felt his cheeks heat up and his heart flutter as it always did around Rarity... But he crossed his arms over his chest, turned away and huffed.
“No, I feel sick,” he grumbled. He hopped off her back and scowled intently at the wall.
Rarity’s face fell and she stopped walking, reaching a hoof out plaintively towards him.
“What? Why whatever is the matter dear?” She frowned. “ Are you upset with me, Spikey-Wikey?”
“Don’t Spikey-Wikey me!” Spike harrumphed. “And I’m not upset! I’m just... Glaring at the wall, it offends me! Stupid wall.” He kicked it. “And this tapesty!” He yanked it down and tore it in half, casting the pieces into the air. “And this...!” He stared at an abstract sculpture sitting on a pedestal. He tilted his head curiously, then shook it and growled.
“... Whatever it is, it offends me too!” He spat a fireball at it, and the sculpture was blasted off, smashing into a million pieces on the floor. “And these stupid pieces! Rawr!”
Spike pounded his feet into the pieces, kicking and crushing them until they were dust. He took deep breaths, glaring hatefully at the wreckage.
“Spike!” cried Rarity, aghast. “My goodness what’s gotten into you!? Surely Twilight’s taught you better than to take out your anger on innocent works of art!” She used her magic to try and put the two piece of the tapestry back together, to no avail.
“Innocent nothing! Running Hot the Second was a terrible artist! She was a snob who thought just because she could knit ponies upside-down on her tapestries it was somehow innovative!” Spike growled. “It’s NOT!”
Rarity let the pieces of the tapestry flutter to the floor and turned to the little dragon, smiling sadly.
“You’re right Spike, it was a rather uninspired composition, wasn’t it?” She took a few steps closer until she was standing just behind him, coming short of leaning her head on his shoulder.
“...But I don’t think that’s what’s really bothering you, is it? You can tell me Spike. I know this day has been rather hard on all of us. And probably harder on you than you’re letting on.”
“It’s fine,” Spike grumbled, “Just fine... At least I’m helping save the world this time, right? I mean, when Twilight goes off she only wants me if I can be a spare Rainbow Dash. The Doctor just taps me and off we go, running around, trying to keep you safe with Big... Mac’s help...” Spike tapped his claws on his shoulders furiously, the sound filling the quiet hallway.
Rarity looked at the floor, scuffing her hoof sheepishly on the carpet.
“You have been a big help Spike,” she said, “the rest of us have been... very... distracted today. But you’ve been doing the best you can to keep us in line.” She inched closer, her mouth barely an inch from his ear. “I’m very grateful.”
“Geh!” Spike jumped back, bumping into her. He spun around and glared at her. “Quit that!”
“Oh, oh dear.” Rarity reared back and took a few steps away from him, looking the other way. “Oh I’m so sorry! I just have such a hard time controlling myself! Here you are all doing the best you can to help us and here I am just throwing myself at you.” Tears sprang up in her eyes as she put a hoof to her forehead.
“Oh, and forcing myself on poor Macintosh! I’m such a horribly lewd pony! You must think so badly of me!”
“I... Oh Rarity, please don’t cry,” said Spike, holding her hoof earnestly. All the while, he thought to himself to keep his focus.
All right, I can do this. Just don’t look in her eyes, don’t look in her eyes, don’t-Aw crap!
“Please don’t, you’re too beautiful to ever have to cry,” Spike said.
No! NO! Stop it! Stop that right now! He felt his will melting away like an ice cube in his fiery breath as he stared into her gorgeous blue eyes.
“Oh Spike,” Rarity breathed, stroking her hoof through the fringe of scales on his head, “you’re such a gentleman. Being so nice to me after I’ve dragged a dear friend kicking and screaming into my boudoir to have my way with him against his will! Mostly against his will. ...well, okay, he was pretty willing towards the end there, but it was still extremely impolite.”
And suddenly Spike could remove his gaze from her eyes and his claws from her hoof, and return to glaring at the wall.
“Oh. No. It’s fine,” he ground out, like pebbles of granite being scraped together between bricks. “He did what he had to do... Not like I could have done anything.” He kicked the wall again, and again. “I’m only crying a little because the dust from that stupid statue got in my eyes! They’re very sensitive! I read too much, Twilight is a horrible speller and I have to proofread!”
The wall cracked all the way up to the ceiling from one of his kicks, and he stared at it dumbly. He coughed and looked down.
“Sorry...”
“Spike...” Rarity paused, and then took a deep breath. “You... You do realize... Well you’re rather young to be talking about... Helping me.” She coughed. “As in so young I could go to prison for letting you help me. Prison Spike! They make you wear orange in prison. I can’t do that! It clashes!”
“I know! I KNOW!” Spike growled, giving the carpet a good kick this time. He sighed and unclenched his clawed hands. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes as he made his quiet admission:
“... I just don’t like it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“You can be patient,” Rarity said very quietly. “You won’t be young forever.”
“I... Really?” Spike asked as he looked over his shoulder with a squeak in his voice. He coughed and cleared his throat, before looking back at the wall. He then slowly looked back over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow.
“Really? What about Big Macintosh?” He asked, in a much deeper voice. So deep he coughed again, and quickly looked back at the wall to conceal his embarrassment.
“What? Him?” Rarity made a dismissive gesture. “Mac and I are just friends Spike. And when I lost control of myself he was just... you know, available.”
Rarity’s pupils dilated slightly as she raised her hooves in front of her, spreading them apart to indicate an object of considerable size.
“And he has a simply enormous...”
Spike turned around and waved his claws while he gaped in horror. “NO! No no, I-I’m fine! Don’t need to hear anymore!”
Rarity blinked, and then dropped back onto her hooves, blushing hotly.
“...Heart! He has a big heart! Is absolutely what I was actually going to say. ...Just like yours.”
“Well... Thanks Rarity,” said Spike, as he took her hoof and kissed it. He smiled up at her. “You... You’re the kind of girl someone is willing to not be jealous over.” He groaned and covered his face.
“I’m sorry, that was stupid...”
“No, it’s very sweet,” said Rarity, hooking an arm around Spike’s shoulder and hugging him gently. “You’re being very mature about this Spike. ...Aside from the tapestry, but it was pretty tacky anyway.”
“Yeah, I think I still have some issues from when Twilight was trying to make me cultured,” Spike admitted. “She’d take me to the art museum and insist I take the audio tour...” His pupils dilated and he developed a thousand foot long stare. “Every. Single. Time.”
“Oh dear,” muttered Rarity, patting him comfortingly on the back. “Let’s get you away from all this culture then, before you have another flashback.”
“The Neo-Romanticists... The Impressionists... Their eternal duel, it's like I was there,” Spike muttered, shaking all over. “The horror... The horror...”
“Spike? Spike!” Rarity shook him gently. “Stay with me Spike! It’s going to be alright, do you hear me? You’re going to be alright!”
“Reinoir... You’re a errand boy, sent by porcelain clerks, to collect a bill in watercolors,” Spike continued, his eyes haunted. “No... No... NOOOOO!” He fell over, face in the tacky carpet beneath them.
“SPIKE!” Rarity fell to the floor beside him, cradling the little dragon in her arms. “Oh what have they done to you!?”
She raised her face to the sky and howled.
“You maniacs! Darn you! DARN YOU ALL TO PONY HELL! I don’t even have my couch!”
- - - - - - - -
The Doctor had been running for a while, but even he had to take breaks. So he’d found a nice, secluded bathroom and splashed some water in his face.
“Haa... Haa... Haa... Phew!” The Doctor wiped his forehead and smiled at himself in the mirror. “Hmm... I might need the sideburns taken in a little... Or, maybe I should try longer!” He put his glasses on and hummed as he closely examined himself.
“Hmm... Nah, then I might look like a girl.” He brushed himself off, and looked to the side. “ACK!”
He jumped and pulled his sonic screwdriver on a statue of a pegasus with it’s eyes covered. He narrowed his eyes critically, and poked the statue a few times with his tool.
“... I’m keeping my eyes on you,” he said flatly, pointing to said eyes and back to the statue with his hoof. “You’re not gonna sneak up on me...” He turned around. His vision was filled with purple. “GAH!”
“You ran off without me,” Twilight growled at him, as she stood upon his stomach. The Doctor looked up at the statue and sighed, before looking back at Twilight. He seemed to be trying to decide which he’d rather face.
“Well, you see, that was for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the same reason you were running-The hordes of horny stallions and the possible total destruction of Equestria by a magically induced heat.”
“It’s still annoying!” Twilight growled. “I mean, what? We came all this way together and you’re just flat out rejecting me and-”
“Twilight,” the Doctor said, gently taking hold of her shoulders and pushing her off him. He stood up and gave her a smile. “That’s the heat talking. Remember, we’re here to deal with the heat with the Elements-”
“Don’t condescend to me!” Twilight snarled. “I mean, what, I’ve been throwing myself at you constantly and you haven’t...!”
“Because it would be the wrong thing to do!” The Doctor insisted.
“So what, leaving me behind is the right thing?!” Twilight growled.
“No, no, no! I... I don’t leave people behind,” the Doctor said. He sighed and looked down at the tiles of the bathroom. “They leave me.”
Twilight started and blinked, anger (and hormones) temporarily forgotten. “They leave you?”
“Well, see... It’s kind of complicated,” the Doctor said. “You see, I’ve been doing this a long time, running around. I used to have ponies who would run with me...” He took a deep breath. “But... It’s been so long since they did. They all go off to do other things. They find themselves, and usually that doesn’t include...” He looked down at the floor. “Me.”
There almost seemed to be the stirring of music in the background. Like a choir was singing the lament of a grateful world to a lonely god.
“Oh, Doctor,” Twilight said with sympathy. She hugged him tightly. “I’m so sorry, I...” She blinked and looked around. “Wait... Where is that music coming from?”
The Doctor blinked himself and checked his sonic screwdriver.
“Oh, it makes that sound when it detects... “ He stared at the readings. “Oh boy.”
The floor dropped out from under them, and the two vanished. Twilight had the brief sensation of being squeezed into nothingness, before popping back out again into her normal form in mid air. Gravity, however, is a harsh mistress and reclaimed them both.
“AAHHH!”
The two landed on their backs on two slabs. Restraints leaped up and wrapped around their hooves. The slabs tilted upwards, slowly revealing that the two were in some kind of underground lair. The sonic screwdriver flipped neatly into a holster on a nearby table.
In front of this table, a blue coated pony with blonde hair and an hourglass cutie mark was eyeing himself in the mirror.
“Ahem... ‘Welcome Doctor, to my lair!’ No, no, that’s entirely the wrong inflection,” the pony muttered. “‘Well, I wanted a doctor and here he is!’ No no no, you’ll just sound stupid. Um... ‘Aha! Doctor! You never expected to see me again, did you? Well, did you?’”
“You know, I really didn’t,” the Doctor said with a smile. “Hello Master!”
“Yes yes, hello Doctor,” the Master said distractedly. He dropped the mirror and turned around, his jaw wide open.
“What?! Doctor?! You, here, now?!”
“Well, ‘now’ is really quite relative,” the Doctor said. “You know, timey wimey-”
“ARGH! Don’t bring that up!” The Master growled, pointing his hoof in the Doctor’s face. “I’ve always hated that insipid metaphor!”
“Uh... Doctor, who is this?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Oh! Where are my manners. Twilight Sparkle, this is the Master. Master, this is Twilight Sparkle,” the Doctor said. He looked at the restraints. “Though I’m guessing you were expecting us.”
“How can you...?” A mechanical arm popped up, and placed a ring around her horn. She gritted her teeth and tried to make it glow, but nothing happened. “Haa... Oh... I see your point... I can’t do magic!”
“Of course you can’t!” The Master cackled. “And now, you have fallen into my trap!”
“I’ve gotta say, Master, you’ve really out done yourself on this one!” The Doctor said cheerfully. “How did you know we’d be right in that bathroom?”
“Through methods your feeble mind could not possibly comprehend, of course!” The Master boasted.
“So you lucked out then, eh? Good for you!”
“I DID NOT LUCK OUT!” The Master bellowed.
“How did you know we’d be in the bathroom?” Twilight asked. “I mean, you’d have to know exactly where we were and-”
“Totally luck,” the Doctor said.
“THE MASTER DOES NOT BELIEVE IN LUCK!” The Master bellowed. Twilight sighed.
“Okay, okay, okay... Hang on. You’re the Doctor, he’s the Master. And you’re... What?” The purple unicorn asked flatly.
“Oh. We’re old school buddies!” The Doctor said cheerfully. “We used to get up to such fun on Gallopfrey!”
“Gallopfrey? Where is that?” Twilight asked. “I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s because it’s long gone. The realm of the Time Lords!” The Master cried. “And now gone forever! Extinguished! Spoken of only in song and legend and-”
“Yeah, it was kind of rubbish all things considered,” the Doctor said. “I mean, I miss home a lot but I like it around here a lot more.”
“WHAT?! IT WAS NOT RUBBISH!” The Master growled. “I WOULD HAVE RULED OVER IT! MY PLANS WERE PERFECT!”
“He really does go on and on about his plans,” the Doctor confided. He smiled cheerfully at the Master as Twilight looked back and forth between them curiously. “So! What’s the plan this time?”
“Oh, I bet you’d love to know that, wouldn’t you my dear Doctor?” The Master demanded with an evil grin. “I bet you’d love to know all about it!” He got right up in the Doctor’s face, and Twilight winced as she saw spittle fly from the Master’s lips.
“I bet you’d love me to tell you all of my plans, wouldn’t you?” The Master hissed. The Doctor winced.
“Uh, mate, no offense but you are violating my personal space a little-”
“I’LL VIOLATE ANYTHING I WANT!” The Master yelled.
“Oh, great, now I know why you’ve been able to resist me all this time!” Twilight huffed. “You’re gay!”
“WHAT?!” The Master and the Doctor cried.
A door opened, and a familiar light blue unicorn came in, carrying a laundry basket. She huffed as she set if down on the table.
“Hey ‘Master’, your laundry is...” She trailed off as she took in the scene. “Woah...” She then grinned. “The Great and Powerful Trixie like.”
The Master jumped off the Doctor and adjusted his tie. He shot Trixie an annoyed look. “Nothing happened! It wasn’t what it looked like!”
“Sure didn’t look like that to me,” Twilight said.
“Come now Twilight, you know I’m not gay,” the Doctor said, raising an eyebrow significantly. Twilight blushed.
“You could just... Um... Race on both sides of the track! I’m fine with that!” She said.
The Doctor sighed and looked over at the Master, now a bit annoyed. “He did this in school too, always so huggy. Really, this is why our double dates never worked out.”
“I DON’T HUG!” The Master bellowed. “I’m not huggy, and I’m not gay!” He directed this growl at Trixie, who huffed. He glared at the Doctor. "And our double dates didn't work out because you screwed them up!"
"If that's how you choose to remember them," the Doctor said, looking up at the ceiling innocently.
“Anyway," the Master said with a cruel smile. "My plan is this!”
The Master pointed to a strange device and grinned. “I’m going to use this device to drain your companion of her magic and into my servant-”
“Employee,” Trixie said, annoyed.
“... Employee, to increase her magical power,” the Master explained. “Then I shall keep you as my prisoner! With her at my side, and you out of the way, I can conquer the universe!”
“Well, I will say this for it: It’s already going a lot better than most of your other plans,” the Doctor said. The Master growled.
“Silence!”
Trixie trotted up to Twilight and smirked up at the purple unicorn.
“And I thought this day was going to be boring,” she said. “Hello again, Twilight Sparkle!”
“Trixie? Why are you working for him? I didn’t think you were outright evil!” Twilight gasped. Trixie shrugged.
“Beats birthday parties, though you can see the Great and Powerful Trixie perform from two to four at the Canterlot Foal’s Hospital weekdays, and the... Ahem... ‘Naughty Nag’ Club on Saturdays during happy hour,” Trixie mumbled that last part.
“Naughty Nag-?”
“ANYWAY!” Trixie cried, a little too loudly. “I was working with him for a chance to get a little revenge of my own.” She smirked. “When I get your powers, I’ll be the most powerful magic user in Equestria!”
“But-But magic doesn’t work that way!” Twilight insisted. “You can form a conduit of magic from one user to another, sure, but you can’t just steal my powers! Magic is the power of life and the soul itself! You can’t just steal my soul!”
“BAH! I’ll still get your power!” Trixie scoffed. “So now he gets his revenge, I get my revenge, and you two suffer horribly at our hooves!” She smirked and pointed her hoof in Twilight’s face. “Like you wouldn’t take that kind of opportunity!”
“No, actually, I really wouldn’t,” Twilight replied drolly. “And besides, we’re kind of in a hurry-”
“To do what, Doctor?” The Master demanded as he fiddled with some equipment. He smirked at him. “Save the world?”
“Actually yes,” the Doctor said with a shrug. “It’s kind of what I do.” He looked over at Twilight and smiled.
“I... I’m just kind of confused,” Twilight admitted. “You’re not a Pony-”
“Oh, I am a Pony! Hooves and everything,” the Doctor said cheerfully. “I’m just a Time Pony. Or Lord. Time Pony Lord, Lord Time Pony, that sort of thing.”
“Uh huh... And you run around, saving the world and this guy is your ex-boyfriend slash arch nemesis?” Twilight summarized.
“I’M NOT HIS EX ANYTHING!” The Master snarled.
“Right, right, right...” Twilight sighed and her head bowed. “I thought this day couldn’t get any weirder.”
“Aw come on, it’s loads of fun! This is actually kind of tame compared to my normal days,” the Doctor said. “There aren’t any murderous cyborgs after us now!”
Twilight scowled at him.
“Murderous cyborgs? Hey, wait a minute... Are you just telling me this to try and get me to stop pursuing you?”
The Doctor blinked. “What? No! I just think that you being in heat is reflecting-”
“Well it won’t work!” Twilight cried.
“Oh? Heat? I wondered what that stench was,” Trixie huffed. “No wonder the stallions stampeded-They were trying to get away from you.”
“It’s not-I mean, it’s as a result of...” Twilight trailed off. She slowly looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked back. They nodded, and turned back to their captors.
“You know Trixie,” the Doctor said conversationally, “I don’t really think you can handle Twilight’s magic.”
Twilight nodded. Trixie growled.
“What?!”
“Well, I mean, her talent is magic itself,” the Doctor said. “She did defeat that Ursa Minor on her own. No small feat, you know!”
“Ooh...! I can handle it just fine, thank you!” Trixie snarled. She looked over at the Master. “Master! Is the device ready yet?”
“Now now, I need to get out my Doctor Torture Kit,” the Master said. “I mean, the leather straps alone... I...” He glared at Trixie’s leer. “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!”
“Honestly Master, you need to work on this. You’re coming across as that needy ex who just can’t let go-” The Doctor began, but was interrupted by the Master once again getting in his face and screaming.
“I AM NOT! NOW SHUT UP UNTIL I’M READY TO MAKE YOU SCREAM!”
There was a long, terrible silence in the lair. Then Trixie burst out laughing. Twilight moaned and yanked at her restraints.
“Ohh... It’s just making it worse...” She groaned. She licked her lips. “Both of them...”
“Yeah,” Trixie sighed happily. She shook her head rapidly. “... I mean, uh, Master! I want my power!”
“... I’ll get you your stupid magical power if you’ll just shut up,” the Master grumbled, trotting over to the power transferring machine to fiddle around with it. The Doctor smiled brightly.
“You know, that’d go a whole lot better if you-”
“NO! No! Not another word!” The Master growled. “You can’t talk me out of sparing your latest companion! You can’t distract me! You’re absolutely helpless and at my mercy! I’VE WON!
He put the device on a cart and rolled it over in front of Twilight. He took out some wires, and attached them to the ring around her horn. He then placed another ring around Trixie’s horn, and plugged it into the machine as well. He grinned evilly at the Doctor, and took hold of a huge lever on the device marked “on”.
“Now let me enjoy it!” He hissed.
The Doctor hummed thoughtfully. He shrugged.
“All right.”
“I-WHAT?” The Master barked. “I’m... I’m about to drain your companion of her magical power! I’ll transfer it into my servant-”
“Employee,” Trixie hissed.
“... employee, and then I’ll be dealing with you in every single way I’m fantasized-SHUT UP!” He yelled at Trixie, who was giggling, “and then I shall become the Master of ALL! And all you can say to that is... Is... All right?!”
“Well! I’m tied up, nothing I can do,” the Doctor said, looking to the side. “I’m quite and absolutely useless without my sonic screwdriver, isn’t that right Twilight?”
“Oh yes, I only want him for his body,” Twilight said with a nod.
“But you’re not useless! You must have some sort of plan!” The Master growled. “You always do!”
“Nope! Fresh out,” the Doctor replied with a shrug and a smile. “Sorry mate, you caught me on a bad day.”
“Unless.. You want me to transfer the unicorn’s power! OF COURSE!” The Master gasped, holding his hooves to his cheeks. “You’re very clever, Doctor, but I won’t fall for that!”
“Oh no, I don’t want you to transfer her power,” the Doctor said. “I’m just kind of resigned to my fate.” He glanced at his bindings significantly. "Hanging around, as it were."
“Would you move it along already! Give me my power!” Trixie complained. The Master held up his hoof with a scowl.
“No, no, I know him. He’s got something planned, I know it, he always has a plan!”
“His plan is to let you make me super powerful so I’ll serve you better as your ultimate employee?” Trixie asked disbelievingly. “Pretty stupid plan!”
The Master glared at Twilight angrily. “His plan! You know it, don’t you? Don’t you?!”
“Really, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Twilight insisted.
“You don’t seem very worried that I’m about to steal away your powers and give them to your greatest rival!” The Master said suspiciously. Twilight snuck a glance at Trixie, and then huffed. She stuck her nose in the air, much as Trixie did when she first rolled into Ponyville.
“Like she’ll be able to do anything with them,” Twilight said, with just a hint of a whine again borrowed from the blue unicorn herself.
Trixie gaped at her as though slapped, and snarled angrily. She grabbed the lever.
“I’ll show you, you little-!”
“Wait, don’t-!” The Master cried, but the lever was thrown. Twilight’s horn glowed brightly, the machine whirred and beeped, and Trixie cackled as energy flowed through her horn and her eyes glowed.
“Ahahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN FEEL IT! I CAN FEEL THE AWESOME... Power...” She trailed off and stared at the Master. The Master glared death back at her.
“You imbecile! You talentless little street performer! I am The Master! You must obey me and... And... Why are you looking at me like that?” The Master asked.
“Yes... Yes,” Trixie moaned, her tail rising as she shook her hips like a cat. She grinned at the Master. “Insult me more! Treat me like your pack mule!”
“I do that anyway, why would I-” Trixie pounced, knocking over the machine and yanking it off of Twilight’s horn. The Master’s arms flailed about, as he tried to keep Trixie from shoving her tongue all the way down his throat. They rolled around, and the table holding the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver fell over.
Twilight smiled, and used her magic to grab the screwdriver. She levitated it to the Doctor, who took it between his teeth. He activated it and pointed it at their bindings, which released, allowing them to slip to the floor. The two trotted to the door, and with a quick application of the sonic, it opened. They exited out into a hallway.
The Master got his mouth free just long enough to scream and shake his hoof.
“DAMN YOU DOCTOR! I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, I-AHH! DAMNIT YOU DISGUSTING FOUR LEGGED HARLOT, GET OFF ME!”
“Tell me I’m a bad girl, I’m a BAD GIRL MASTER!”
“NOOOO!”
The door shut behind them. Twilight looked over at the Doctor, her eyebrow raised.
“So... This is average for you?”
“No... It can get a lot more dangerous,” the Doctor said. He smiled at her. “But you know all about that, right?”
“Yeah,” Twilight said. She sighed. “Doctor, I need to tell you something-” She stopped at his raised hoof. He shook his head.
“It can wait,” The Doctor said. “Still gotta save the world!” He galloped a few steps, and looked over his shoulder with a smile. “You coming?”
“Oh yes, I will be,” Twilight chuckled softly, as she galloped after the Time Pony.
- - - - - - -
This fic has it's own TVTropes page, and it's looking rather sparse. So if you feel so inclined, go and fix it up some with this link:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/BeatingTheHeat
The finale to this thing is going to take a little longer than I thought, but you should be happy. It means more chapters! Yay!