//------------------------------// // Chapter 5 // Story: I can be social. Probably. Maybe // by Heavensguard //------------------------------// I can be social. Probably. Maybe. --- "This seems like a terrible idea." I said as I was dangling from a tree branch several dozen feet above the ground. "Don't worry about it Neddy! We'll save you!" The squeaky voice of Scootaloo echos through the woods. "I would like that very much." I quip as I look back at the rope holding me up by my feet. The rope was slightly cut and was tearing(In classic movie style) thread by thread. It was getting dangerously close to - Oh nice. "Falling... If anyone cares" My voice may have peaked a bit at the end. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS! TO THE RESCUE!" I heard my three adorable followers cry as they made their way to me. Sweetie Bell and Applebloom were carrying a net and Scootaloo was dragging a pillow behind her scooter. The ground was becoming dangerously closer. Like a fat man wanting to chow down on a hershey bar. I might actually be scared. Yea, they were nowhere close enough. "Well, damn." Death by broken neck. What a way to go. That is until I stopped short of hitting the ground and there was a purple glow about me. "Care to explain this Ned?" Twilight asks as she levitates me towards her, still upside down. "Helping them get their Cutie-Marks... involuntarily..." I say. The three fillies finally get to me only to find that they were not the ones to save me. "Aww, now we have to tie him back up there." Applebloom whines. "Yea, like I'll let you guys get another chance to give me brain damage." I scold them, Twilight even turned me to face them. It would have been nice, had it not been for the fact I was still upside down. "Girls, it isn't safe doing things like this," Twilight shakes me for emphasis, "Ned could have serious been hurt." The three fillies could only bow their heads in embarrassment. "We're sorry." All three of them apologize. "Now go run along, I'm sure there are safer ways to get your Cutie-Marks." Twilight suggests and the three crusaders brighten up before taking off. "Will you be putting me down anytime soon? The blood is making my head woozy." I remark as, yes, my vision is slightly blurred. "Sorry" She says and promptly drops me. At least, I was prepared and landed on my back. Still hurt though. "Sorry, again" "Ugh. I'm good, Twi. Thanks for saving me." I get right back up to dust myself off. "No problem. I was wondering where you disappeared off to." "Welp, mystery solved. Lets get back to Ponyville. I feel like something is stalking me." I say as I give the Everfree forest a once over. Never liked being in here for too long. Especially when I don't have Fluttershy around. The two of us made our way out of the forest only to run into Applejack and Rainbow, both whom have been searching for Twilight to be the judge of a "Iron Pony" competition. This was going to be fun. ---- The competition was simple enough in rules. Applejack and Rainbow Dash are to best each other in a series of sports contests to decide who was the best athlete. Twilight was the judge, Spike was the announcer, Fluttershy was the scorekeeper, and Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and myself were the spectators. The first event was barrel weaving. The two are to get through the track by weaving in between barrels and reach the other side without touching a barrel. Simple enough, both ponies were fast, but Applejack was faster. However, she clipped a barrel costing her the point which went to Rainbow Dash. The next contest was the strength test. Hands down, I knew Jack would win this. The pony has been apple-bucking for years now so she would outclass the pegasus. I was proven right when after Rainbow hit the trigger for the bell tower and rung the bell, Jack smashed the trigger and launched both the trigger and bell off in the distance. One point for Jack. The next test, I could live without. The Bronco Buck. The goal was that both ponies are to buck off the rider, me, in the shortest amount of time. It was decided under the age-old decision maker between Spike and I, "Rock, Paper, Scissors." I lost. Applejack had some difficulty trying to launch me off, but eventually got to it. I had a firm grip by the way. Rainbow, well, she did a quick spin and bucked me off when I was extremely nauseated. Point to Dashie. Ugh. There was the Calf Roping bout, where both contestants were to lasso me. Applejack had some difficulty as I had some dexterity to my name. She did get me in the end when she distracted me with the promise of pie. Cheater. Rainbow? Well, if lasso'ing yourself counted she would have won. Point to Jack. The following contests of ball bouncing(I started laughing and only Pinkie, in her weird way, understood), Bale shot-putting, Hoof-wrestling, Football kicking, and Dizzy running. They tied up at 5 points each and neither were showing any signs of slowing down. Rainbow Dash decided to step up her game. With her wings. Wings flapped during push-ups, propelled in long jumps, chick pick-ups(I laughed again), and finally a Tug-o-War game where she used her wings to hang Applejack above the pit of mud. To say it was a little unfair is like saying paint drying is boring. Applejack made her displeasure known and called Rainbow Dash a cheater. Dashie's argument that she wasn't told that she couldn't use her wings had some merit, but Jack put out that she was hoping Dashie would follow an honor system. Nonetheless, the fight was disputed that they would decide once and for all at the Running of the Leaves festival. Jack's challenge for Dashie? No using wings. This ought to be fun. ---- "So you're actually going to be part of this?" I ask. "Why yes, I've always read about it and this time I want to experience it." Twilight answers with that knowing smile. The two of us were walking among the other competitors toward the starting line. Both of us were going to be participating in the race, Twilight mainly for the experience and myself, for the heck of it. I may also want to know how I fare against other ponies. Maybe. "Twilight? Ned? What in tarnation are you two doin' up here?" Twilight and I found both Applejack and Rainbow settling up at the line. Rainbow seems to have her wings tied to her body. Guess Jack had to make sure. "We're racing." That set the two ponies laughing. "Good one Twilight, I mean Ned I can understand, but you?" "I'm not joking..." "What? You're not an athlete, you're a... well... an egghead." "And what's wrong with eggheads?" I ask. Hey, I spend just as much time as Twilight reading. Okay, maybe not as much... nevermind not even close. "Yea. And for the record, I'm just well read." That's putting it mildly Twilight. "Egghead," Rainbow comments, "But have you ever run a race?" Applejack asks. "Well, no, but I do know a lot about running" This set the two ponies laughing again. "Twilight..." I said, "You're not helping your case much." "I'm guessing from books, right?" Dashie asks, "What'd you read, 'The Egghead's Guide to Running'? Did you stretch out your eye muscles to warm up?" She begins to laugh at her own joke. I could only shake my head. "Joke as you want, but the running of the leaves is a Ponyville tradition and I wish to experience it. At least Ned understands that." I nod at Twilight's look. "Well, I think that's just dandy, Twilight. Good luck." Jack couldn't resist a snicker. "Yea, see you at the finish line... Tomorrow." Dashie burst out laughing again. I look up to see Twilight's balloon with Spike and Pinkie Pie in it. "All Right! Ponies! Are you READY!" Pinkie is quite loud, even louder with a loudspeaker. "Get set!" Spike continues. Every pony got themselves set up and I followed suite. This was gonna be fun. The moment a bell rung, we all shot off the line. "Looks like everyone is really in the spirit huh?" I ask. "It's so inspiring. Everypony is excited to see the race and the leaves fall." I wasn't expecting an answer, but I took it. I glance over to Twilight. "I take it that book told you to set a good pace first, huh?" "Yup. It is important that you don't tire yourself, sprinting early in a race." "Correct you are. Though this isn't going to appeal to both Jack and Dashie for a while." "Well, we will see how they look when we get to the end. Shall we?" I nod my head and we both jogged our way through the trees. I have to say, Twilight was right to say it was going to be an experience. The red, orange, and yellow leaves were drifting in the wind. "I am a leaf on the wind... Watch how I soar..." "That was nice, Ned." Twilight's voice brings me out of my thoughts. I guess I said it out loud. "Thanks." "You should do that more often. It's nice to hear you sing." "Yea, I don't sing Twi." She smirks. "Oh, but during the Winter Wr-" "Not going to happen again." I cut her off. "Aww." We stopped running when we came upon the tripped form of Applejack. "Whoa! I don't believe!" Jack shouts. "I know, it's beautiful, isn't it?" I nod at Twilight, but... "That's not what she meant Twi. You alright Jack?" I help the pony to her hooves. "Yea I'm right as day, but Rainbow Dash just tripped me." "She did not" Twilight defended. "She did too!" Jack counters "She didn't, and if you slowed down and looked where you're going, like me, you wouldn't have tripped over a rock." Twilight points back at a rock jutting out of the ground. "What?! Oh, hayseed! How I got a lot of ground to make up to catch Rainbow." The apple-bucker dashes off. "Just be careful!" Twilight shouts as the two of us resume our run. It wasn't long until we ran into the tripped form of Rainbow. Again, it was another case of not looking where she was going, but I had gotten a different vibe off of Dashie before she took off after Jack. "You don't think she's going to..." I ask Twilight. "I hope not." Once again we found Rainbow, but this time she was by a sign, laughing to herself. "Oh my, Whitetail Wood is just lovely." Twilight comments. "It sure is. Hey, Dashie, shouldn't you be up ahead?" I ask the snickering pegasus. "I'm sure to win now." She says. "Except that the other racers just passed you." Twilight points out towards the rest of the racers. "Oh horse apples... See ya!" Dashie shouts before running off. This is a bad trend. I take one last look at the sign before I sigh. "Looks like Dashie just misdirected Jack." "Really? Oh that just isn't good. Should we do something about it?" I notice the broadcaster balloon was hovering near the mountaintop that the sign was now pointing to. "I think it'll be alright. Let's get going." The two of us are back on the path. The path started to change. There was a steady increase of ponies. Looks like Twilight and I just caught up to the rest of the ponies. "Looks like we are about to hit the home stretch." Twilight notes. "Yuppers. Ready for the finishing dash?" I ask. We started passing the other racers. "That is what the book says I should do around now." "Bet I can beat you and your book!" I goaded the unicorn. "You're on Delostrinos." "What's the stakes?" "Hmm..." She pauses and we pass a few other racers. "Well?" , "How about if I win, I get another massage?" Oh no. "I knew doing that the first time was a bad idea." I had given Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack a massage one time. They all enjoyed it. Far too much. Pinkie Pie was the worst of them, she became overly amorous towards me. Ever SINCE. "...I'll accept it... only if you lift my no meat ban." Twilight glared at me. "Not going to hap-", "Only for a week Twilight. I'll only resort to fishing." When I finally got around to actually hunting, I managed to get some game out in the Everfree forest. Problem was that Fluttershy and Twilight found out and started scolding me for killing a bear. That was the main reason why I had a no meat ban. "...Fine..." Yes! I pumped my fist. "But you still gotta beat me first!" With that Twilight dashed off. "Oh it is on!" I kicked my muscles into the next gear. Legs, don't fail me now. The two of us stayed neck and neck as we passed several other racers. The only thing we were focused on was the finish line ahead. My lungs labored. My vision narrowed. My legs burned. My body sweat. I was no longer aware if Twilight was ahead or behind. All I knew was that I was approaching the end. One more step! I kicked off with my back leg and lunged forward. Finish! It took me a few stumbling steps for me to regain my balance. Geez. My lungs were wheezing from that dead sprint. My legs were like jelly. I glanced over to see that Twilight was also sweating and taking deep breaths. "So..ha..Who..Ha..won?" I ask. "I'm...Not...ha...sure.." "Well, you both tied for fifth place." We both turned our heads to see Princess Celestia beaming at us. "Tied..ha..huh?" Well, that's nice... "Looks like I'll be getting that massage" Twilight smiles as she finally regains her breath. "If thats the case, I'm going fishing later." I also regain my breath. "What is this about massages and fishing?" Celestia asks. "Oh Twilight and I made a wager and, with a draw, we both get our deals. I get lift from my ban of meat and she gets a massage from me." I couldn't suppress a shudder. If they weren't sure if hands were a good thing, they knew better now. "Oh? You wouldn't happen to be doing anything, inappropriate now would you, Delostrinos?" Celestia seems to have that gleam in her eyes that scared me. "O-oh, I wouldn't worry about that." I quickly answer. "Good!" She was back to being the sweet Princess I was used to. That was scary. There was a bit of a scuffle coming from the finish line. The lot of us(everypony at the area) gathered around the crumpled pile that is Applejack and Rainbow Dash. "I won!" Dashie shouts. "No, I won!" Jack counters. "I won!" The two were now snout to snout. "You tied!" Spike calls out as he disembarks the balloon. "Tied?!" both Dashie and Jack shout. "For first?"asks Jack. Pinkie Pie pops up and shakes her head. "For last." "Last?" Both Dashie and Jack screech. They both turn to Twilight and I, for we were being given our medals by Celestia. "You guys beat us?" both last placers ask. "Well yes, but we only tied for fifth place. Which is rather good considering that I've never ran a race before." Twilight then looks toward me. "Well, I'm glad I placed at all. I'm racing ponies here. I got only two legs." I wiggle one of my legs for emphasis. "Man, I need something to drink." I mutter. "Oh? Here. Have some of this." I turn to see Celestia hovering a cup of milk towards me. I take it in gusto. "Thanks, Princess." I take a big swig. Hmm. This brought up a question I had for a while. "Hey. The only farm here is Sweet Apple Acres, right?" Everypony nods. "Where are we getting milk from?" I was curious. The only cows I've seen are the ones that pass by during the spring. "Oh, why don't I show you?" There was that strange gleam in Celestia's eyes when she offered. She turns and motions for me to follow. It was only a few steps before I stood before a yellow pony with a blue fuzzy mane. "Milkmare?" Celestia asks. The blue mane pony turns to us. "Oh Princess! Is there anything I do for you?", "Why yes, You see. Ned(She points a hoof at me) here is curious on where we get our milk. Would you care to enlighten him?" Milkmare blushes slightly before nodding her head. She turns around. And lifts her flank. Now why would she do... Oh god. "Are those...?" That's... That's... that's just... I stumbled back and lurched over. I'm quite sure my face was green. I felt bile rise up my throat. "I'm going to be sick." I said before I dashed over to a bush. Once there, I removed the contents of my stomach. "That's just wrong... ugh." I wheezed. "...Was that really necessary, Princess?" I hear Twilight ask. "Necessary? No." I hear that witch's answer. "Then..." "Fun? Yes." That evil witch. "Ned... There is a cow farm near Ponyville. We get most of our milk from there as well." Bless you Twilight. Bless you. ---- "No plotting to take revenge!" Twilight shouts. I was currently back in the tree-house library. I was in the main room with truckloads of papers all over the place. Spike was with me. He and I were planning out stages of ideas and plots for me to get back at the ruling witch. "...So if I use the compost here as a weapon..." I was bouncing my ideas off of Spike. "Well, it all depends on the Princess. If she smells it, she'll avoid it." Spike counters. "Damn... Then I have to use something that covers the smell..." "How about pie?" Spike offers. I gave him a look. "Right, no mistreatment of pie... How about using pie as the bait?" "Well, that does have merit. I'll have to recruit Gran-" "I said no plotting against the Princess!" Twilight slams her hooves on the table. It causes some papers and diagrams to scatter. "Twilight... What she did... I must retaliate." "No you will not. I realize that what she did was mean, but she already apologized." "That was the most half-hearted apology I've ever heard!" "Still she did!" "Fine! I'm going fishing! You coming Spike?" I look to the dragon as I piled up all the papers neatly. I'll have to gather the ones on the ground later. "Fish? Heck yes, I'm coming!" Spike hops off the table and runs off to my room. It was where I kept all my fishing gear. Thankfully, Twilight had a book on fishing. "Now? What about my massage?" Twilight gave me that look. Do all females know that look? "If you want it, you'll have to come with." I offered the unicorn. "Fine. Let me get a few books." Twilight trots up to her loft. I sneak a glance to my plans... I believe I have most of them memorized. Soon, Princess. Soon. I shall have my revengeance. ---- "Spike, try not to fall into the water this time." I had a firm grip on the dragon's shoulder as he had, once again, leaned too far over the edge of the bridge. We had chosen a bridge that was a little a ways away from Ponyville. We were going to go to the lake, but Twilight said that there would be flying tuna in the rivers this season. Now, I've only caught a bear and a few river basses, I barely even know what those are, but a flying tuna sounds like an experience to be had. "Geez, make one mistake and you'll never let me live it down." Spike groans. "Yea one mistake, several times." I reminded the poor dragon. The three of us were sitting on the bridge's wide railings and there were two fishing rods at use. Twilight was to my right, reading a book while my right hand moved through her mane. Spike was on my left and he was trying to keep a hold on the rod I gave him. We sat in silence for a good long while. "Ned. You're not trying to forget are you?" Damn you Twilight. "I wasn't going to forget." I muttered before shifting from sitting cross-legged to kneeling to the side of Twilight. She stretched herself and resumed reading. God I wish I never attempted this in the first place. I placed my hands at the back of(What I would assume) her neck and began to knead the surface. "Ooooh." Dammit Twilight. I began to work down the back, pressing my fingers into her muscles and applying pressure in areas. The fact that I know how to do this well is quite disturbing. I rolled my knuckles against her back. Each action creates a moan out of the unicorn. This was really awkward. "Whoa! I think I got a bite!" Thank you Spike. Bless you SPIKE! "Keep a firm grip Spike. When it relents, start reeling in." Spike did so. "However when it starts to fight again, ease off and hold firm." I inform Spike. He appeared to be struggling immensely. "Spike you got it. Keep that hold!" "It's too strong!" "You can do it Spike!" "It's slipping!" "Come on, Spike! We believe in you!" Getting a little emotional now are we Twilight? With a mighty pull, Spike ripped something out of the water... "Buhahahahaaha!" I'm gonna need some context for my laugh. Well, the thing that Spike ripped out of the water. It was the smallest fish I've ever seen. It barely made a third of Spike's size. And it smashed into Spike, sending both tumbling onto the bridge. "That's not funny." Spike mutters. "You're right." I said. "It's hilarious" Twilight finishes. We both snickered. Then my line started reeling. "Welp. Let's find out what I got?" ---- "Well, that was expected." I say as I turn the fishes on the fire. By the end of the day, Spike and I caught several dozen fishes and now I was roasting them over a fire. Spike was cleaning the few fish that I didn't have roasting. Twilight was reading beside me, giving me a look of... well, I don't really know(Or care at the moment). I was going to cook these at the treehouse, but... "Neddy! There's lots of ponies here curious on how you cook." Classic Pinkie, make a simple outing into a party. There was a group of various ponies from Ponyville, each wondering why I was cooking fish. Well, its something I rather not deal with. "Thank you Pinkie. However, this is going to take a few more minutes." I inform the excitable pony. "Oky Doky Loki!" She chimes. It would only be moments afterwards that everypony was chowing down on fried fish. I will have to see Zecora again to thank her for the spices. Turns out Zecora knows a bit more than just potions and remedies, but also spices. While Twilight may have been against my need for meat, she may now have some lenience if I just stick with fish. I mean, I'm all for eating fruits and vegetables, but I'm only human. I need some meat in my stomach. "Seems like everyone's enjoying the food." I say. "Surprisingly enough."Twilight comments. "See, there's no harm in meat." I comment "Unless you killed a bear for it." Twilight retorts "Well, now I know better. I didn't think I would have survived Flutter's lecture." "It was your own fault there Ned." "True." I turn to see that Spike is well into his fifth portion. I think introducing him to meat wasn't the best of choices, but ,then again, it was nice to see him satisfied. Better maintain his diet now. "Spike, ease off the fish. Let other ponies get their share." The dragon could only sulk at that. "Thank you, I'm afraid Spike might be getting too much meat." Twilight says. "Yea. I noticed it myself." The two of us continue munching on our delectables. Damn, really gotta make it up to Zecora. ---- "An' that's when the yellow birdie thought to himself, "Hmm. My favorite little tree isn't such a little tree anymore." So she sang her song, big an' strong, an' they all lived in that great, big tree happily ever after. The... End." "Applejack... It is times like this, you scare me." I just walked into the caboose of the train to witness Applejack, of all the sane ponies I know, reading a bedtime story. That in itself isn't strange. "Ah shucks, I'm just telling Bloomberg a bedtime story." Jack answers. "Jack... You do realize that Bloomberg's a tree, right?" Yup, a bedtime story told to a tree. "An Apple tree." She corrects. "Oh, sorry. You do know that's an APPLE tree, right?" "Heh, well... you know that replanting and transferring can be an unsettling experience. So I'm just trying to make him feel better." The orange pony sheepishly crosses her hooves. Yea. This is my life. "Right... I'll just be back with the others. Try not to be a shut in now." I say as I turn on my heels and exit the caboose. "It's not fair! Why does that tree get its own room, while I have to share?!" Rarity shouts at me. "Well, Bloomberg is the reason we are going on this trip Rarity." Twilight answers. "Yea, and besides, aren't we just fine company for such a beautiful mare?" I sang sweetly. "Well... I guess you all do make a good entourage. However! I am still cramped in here." Rarity stomps her hoof. "Relax Rarity, it's only one more day of travelling." Jack says as she comes back from the caboose. "Ugh. You treat that tree like it's a baby or something." Rarity whines. "Who you calling a baby?! Bloomberg's no baby! He's a strong and mighty tree. Don't wet widdle Wawity make you all saddy-waddy. Bloomberg's a tall and strong apple tree. Yes he is. Coochie coo coo!" That's just disturbing, Jack. "Its widdle Wawity that's all saddy-waddy." Don't join in Wa-er- Rarity. "You two need professional help." I state. "I doubt they'll listen though." Rainbow comments. "Do you guys mind?" I turn to see Spike rubbing at his eyes. "I had to wake up early to fire-roast those snacks. I'm pooped." He continues. "Speaking about snack," Rainbow shakes her bag of popcorn, "I think I have a few unpopped kernels." Spike groans. "Fine..." Spike shoots out a flaming loogy. It incinerates Dashie's bag. "Guh..." She drops it on reflex and I quickly catch to redirect it outside. It'll burn away so it's not littering. "I guess we should turn in for tonight. We have a big day tomorrow." I say. "Besides, that way we are up early for tomorrow." Twilight adds. "Awwwww" goes everypony. The lights turn out and I lay onto my bed. It was a little cramped. Obviously made for a pony. Damn this world and not making things slightly bigger. "Psst. Hey Pinkie. Are you asleep yet?" I hear Dashie whisper. "Yea. Are you asleep yet?" Really Pinkie? "No... How would I ask you if I were asleep?" Dashie whispers irritated. "Oh...yea..(she giggles)Neddy. You asleep yet?" "Not anymore" I whisper back and I roll out of bed into a crouch. I notice that Dashie is holding a lit candle. Both ponies were in the middle of the cab. "Anyway. You guys don't think, that when we get to Appleloosa tomorrow that we will have to carry that heavy tree?" Dashie asks. "Hmm? What tree? You mean Bloomberg?" There's only one tree on board Pinkie. "Noo, guh... I was talking about Fluttershy." Dash answers sarcastically. "Fluttershy is not a tree, silly." Pinkie giggles. "Hey what's going on?" Don't you have a silent voice, Twilight? "Dashie thinks Fluttershy's a tree." Pinkie answers. "I do not think Fluttershy's a tree," Dashie corrects. "Did you say she was a tree?" Twilight asks. "No. Well, yes...not exactly-" "You know she's not a tree, Dash." Twilight says clinically. "She's not a tree, Dashie" "I would like to be a tree." Really Flutters? "OH for Pete's sake!" Spike shouts before grabbing his pillow, leaping off his bed, and walking towards the last cabin. Now I feel bad. "A bit huffy don't ya think?" Twilight says. "Huffy the magic dragon." Wow, Flutters got jokes... Wait a minute. "How do you know about Puff the magic dragon?" I ask. "Well, he is this dragon that takes care of the Canterlot library-" Twilight starts. "Nevermind. Stupid question." "Will you all please. BE. QUIET!" We all jump to see Rarity in a horrifying facial masque. Twilight quickly blows out the candle and we are all covered in darkness. Nice night. Had Pinkie learned personal space. ---- The lot of us are on our way to a place out in the west called Appleloosa, where Jack is delivering an apple tree to her relatives. It was to be a four day trip in total. Perhaps there were a few things we didn't consider in the equation. Like a herd of buffalo ambushing the train. Said buffalo also stole the caboose containing Bloomberg. And Spike. So we arrive into Appleloosa to meet with Braeburn, one of Applejack's cousins. Jack tried to inform the excitable pony that the tree was stolen, but the darn farmhand wouldn't stop hearing himself talk and showing us around Appleloosa. Good lord. There's so many pies. Anyway, Jack finally told Braeburn that the tree(along with Spike) was stolen. Turns out that the Appleloosans have known and have been harassed by the buffalo for some time now. Puts things into perspective, it does. Rainbow and Pinkie(They went after the stolen train) came into town with one of the buffalo(Little Strongheart) and they want to talk on the behalf of the buffalo. Jack tries to get both Braeburn and Strongheart to negotiate, but they couldn't. Instead, Dashie and Jack argue in their place. "These negotiations could go much better." I comment. "Yea, both ponies and buffalo have good reasons to keep the land." Twilight remarks. "Hmm, which brings to my attention. Why can't they jus-" "Oh! I know how to help both sides!" Pinkie interrupts. She then dashes off, telling us that she will have her answer in a few minutes. I'm curious on what she plans to do. ---- "...share and care..." I give voice to the silence that followed Chief Thunderhooves ultimatum. Pinkie Pie gathered both the buffalo and the Appleloosans in front of a stage and began singing a song about sharing and caring. It was long version to my solution to the situation. Despite the semi-awkward show, it did present some kind of entertainment. Just not the one we need as neither the chief or sheriff liked it. It was the one thing they could agree on. Where in the world did Pinkie get that dress... Anyway, the Appleloosans will not be giving up the land and have been baking up pies. To use as weapons... That is just evil. That's pie cruelty. Despite my audible(read: loud) objections, the Appleloosans plan to use the pies as projectiles. I may have cried. "This is too cruel, Twilight. This is pie cruelty!" I cried. Spike was patting me on the back as I was on my knees. "Ned... Aren't you overreacting?" the unicorn asks. The nerve. "It's PIE! TWILIGHT!" "You know how Ned gets about pie, Twilight." Spike states. "I can sympathize with him." Rarity supports me. "Well, by noon tomorrow. All them pie is going to be wasted." Applejack grimly predicts. Damn. ---- The sun was high in the sky. It had no clouds to obscure it and it was beaming down heat relentlessly. I am currently at the frontlines of the fortification of Appleloosa. Trying to talk some sense into the Appleloosan beside me. "It's pie, mate. You don't waste good pie." "I'm sorry, but we don't have an abundance of anything else." "Why not throw apples?" "Because someone could get hurt." What. "Someone could still get hurt with pie in their face." "Yes, but with pie they would be disorientated." Oh, I guess that makes sense. In a retarded world. "Still, pie is not the way!" It was all that was on my mind for the past forty-eight hours. The main reason why I came along for this bloody trip was to experience Appleloosan pie. Jack had told me that the pie here was very good and different than Granny Smith's. Now I have to deal with these ponies using them as rocks. I look to the horizon, there was a shadow over a hill just outside of Appleloosa. Looks like our buffalo friends were here. It was intense. For moments after the clocks struck noon, everyone was expecting the herd to stampede. For moments, we expected violence. There was none. "Well, looks like the pie will be sa-" "~–whaddaya say? You got to share You got to care It's the right thing to do" Ah. Fudgenuggets. Damn you Pinkie "CHHAAAAAAARGE!" I could feel the chief's roar from down here. The whole herd of buffalo came stomping down the hill and across the field. That bloody pink pony was still singing, trying to convince the herd to reason. "Ah, Pinkamena!" I shout as I vault the barricades and bales of hay towards the dancer. Buffalo are twenty yards out. Ten feet to Pinkie "You gotta SHARE~!" She lulls. Ten yards, five feet. "You gotta CA-hugh!" I grab the pinkette and spin on my heels. I wonder if I can outrun a buffalo? About to find out. "RUN!" I heard someon- pony call. Then I saw pies descend from the skies like angry birds. heh. I carried Pinkie past several Appleloosans, "Stop the Violence!" Pinkie shouts, and had to dodge several collisions. I finally decided to throw Pinkie into one of the buildings, a saloon, and did so. "Wheee!" She cheers as she soared into the saloon. I turn only to roll to the side to avoid a buffalo from spearing me. I danced my way across the pie-riddled battlefield, each pie wearing down on my morale. Eventually I hit a clear spot and took inventory of the situation. There was debris of hay and wood about, buffalo sprawled about dizzy, Appleloosans lie crumpled about, and loads of pies wasted. It was horrifying. Then I spotted both the sheriff and the chief having a standoff. The chief stomped his hoof and the sheriff managed to gather one pie to his fight. The two could only stare each other down. The chief charges. The sheriff cocks his hoof back. "Hold it!" The two stop dead in their actions as I stand between both with hands raised at both of them. I immediately snatch the pie out of the sheriff's han-hoof. I bring it before the chief. "First, before you start crushing things again, eat this pie." I ask of the chief. Thunderhooves gives me an incredulous look before reluctantly obliging. His eyes display his awe. Pie, you've claim another believer. "Yum! I have a better idea!" He exclaims. I wonder how slow these ponies(and buffalo) are sometimes. ---- "That was great Ned! You got both the buffalo and the Appleloosans to compromise." Twilight was ecstatic at the results. "I would have done it sooner had it not been for someone and their musical number." I glared at Pinkie, who could only smile like she always does. "There is never a bad time to be singing!" She counters. "Your singing caused the stampede..." Jack says. It didn't look like Pinkie was listening. "Well, I'll be telling Princess Celestia...Friendship is a wondrous and powerful thing. Even the worst of enemies can become friends. You need understanding and compromise. You've got to share. You've got to care–"Twilight says. "HEY! THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" Pinke shouts. ---- After a long and trying week, it was finally good to take a rest. Between helping the Appleloosans, catching the parasprites, dealing with Flutters' papparazzi, and the running of the leaves, things can get pretty tiring. I was in Twilight's treehouse, reading another tome(This one called "Legends of Equestria, a Star Swirl Chronicle). Spike was munching on some pie(My own baking) nearby and Twilight was reading her own books at my side. She still has my free hand scratching at the back of her head. Once Spike finished his pie, he let out a big yawn that caught both Twilight and myself joining. "Well, looks like we should get some sleep. Tomorrow's the Grand Galloping Gala." Twilight says and Spike and I nod our agreement. Preparing for that gala has been a trip. "Well, before we sleep, why don't you tell us another story, Ned?" Spike asks as he rubs his eyes drearly. "Sure. Why not?" I answer and motion for him to come over. The baby dragon trots over and plops down into my lap. Twilight levitates her books towards the shelves and scooches in closer. I turn a page in the tome and cough. "Alright, where did I leave off... oh right... After leaving the land of Ismaros, terrible and destructive storms tore at Odysseus' ships. Eventually, after many forthdays and fortnights, they came upon land. Desperate to find solace from the storms, Odysseus and his men found shelter in a large cave, big enough to house the trojan horse and more. Once inside, they discover several herds of sheep. Twas an oddity for the cave did indeed appear to be inhabited, but the utilities were far larger than any. In fact, they were bigger than the whole body of any in Odysseus' crew. Twas then that they encounter a grand cyclops~... I am socially awkward. Somewhat.