I was woken up by a breeze blowing across my face. I opened my eyes and found myself staring up the nose of a mare whose name I couldn’t remember.
What happened last night? I yawned and looked around. There were another four pegasi mares on the bed with me. Wait. Oh yes, A flood of memories from last night hit me and I didn’t want to forget any of it.
There had been a little alcohol, just enough to loosen up. Any more would have made the entire experience a waste of time. We’d started at a place that did huge bowls of hay fries covered in cheese and pineapple pieces. We went through one each and split another one. Then we started touring the various night clubs that catered to the ponies freshly returned from the casinos and arenas in the upper city.
As we passed through them, we started collecting a small crowd of ponies as we continued on to try the next place. We experienced a dozen musical genres from a dozen or so DJs and we danced. Finally when the night drew toward the small hours of the night and the crowd started to dissipate until only the group still with us was left. As much as I’d like to claim credit for last night, I could only admit to a few good toasts and driving a zebra to stop rhyming.
Then we ended up back in my hotel room. The rest I’ll leave to your imaginations, though suffice it to say that we banged. I looked around again and noticed that I couldn’t see Cloud Kicker anywhere. I wasn’t that surprised. The master of ceremonies has a known habit for slipping out before breakfast.
I slowly freed myself from the pony pile on the bed, and moved softly so I wouldn’t wake anypony. After last night, a sleep in was probably justified. I snuck out of the bedroom into the main room of the suite. Cloud was sitting at the table with an empty cup of coffee and an apple core. I pulled an enchanted cushion off the nearby sofa and sat across from her.
“Remind me to never doubt your sense of fun again,” I said as I sat down. I nearly spluttered in laughter as I saw Cloud properly. She looked like she’d flown through a hedge backwards and her mane and feathers were in complete disarray.
“You don’t look much better,” she said grouchily.
“Stallion. Nopony cares,” I said as I tried to figure out how to lean casually on a cloud. “Anyway, how do you think I get my mane to stick up like this?” I slipped off the chair. “I’ll go get myself a coffee as well, and you can probably use another.” Halfway to the kitchen I called back, “do you take it black?”
“Any colour’s fine; I’m not picky,” she called back. “Anyway, I thought you couldn’t use the kitchen clouds…” I could hear the grin.
“Oh, for the love of Luna,” I rubbed my forehead. “I’ll just get some juice out of the snow cloud then. At least I can open that,” I grumbled. I opened the cloud and found nothing. I shut it, waited for a moment and opened it again, still empty. “Cloud, what happened to the fridge?!” I called out.
“Don’t you remember spin the bottle last night?!”
“Yeah.” I distinctly remembered doing dares all the way. I even stuck my head into the neighbouring room and wolf whistled at somepony in the shower at one point.
“That’s where the bottles came from.”
“There were ten bottles in here, at four bits each!” A few moments of morning maths later I said, “eighty bits? That can’t be right…” I walked out and sat in front of Cloud Kicker. “I remember you agreeing to split room service,” I said in a vaguely accusatory tone.
“I remember saving you from an angry griffon as well,” she returned with a smug smile.
I sank in my seat. “Horse apples...”
“It’s not like you’re short on bits,” she said with a shrug. “Get some out the safe and get room service to send up a Canterlot breakfast with coffee.” I stood up and went to get the key out of my hat. “Oh,” Cloud added, “remember to get enough for everypony else as well.”
“I hope you’ll be paying for some of that,” I said through the key in my mouth.
“Whose tail were you sitting on last night?”
This deal is getting worse all the time. I gave the safe a crank, opened it and froze.
My saddle bags were empty.
I pulled them out and started rummaging through them. They weren’t entirely empty, all my odds and ends were still in here, but the bits were gone. I checked the rest of the safe, there weren’t any holes in the sides and the door was still working. “Cloud, the money’s gone.”
“What?” she said as she flew over.
I shut the safe, locked it, tried opening it without the key, and then gave it a buck. It remained secure. “It’s gone somehow,” I replied. “The safe’s intact so someone had to have opened it with the key.”
“The key you hid in your hat?” Cloud asked.
“Right where I left it last night, undisturbed,” I ruled out.
“Magic?”
I looked at the safe for a moment. “No, not without TS level brute force,” I said. “Rare is the unicorn capable of the fine telekinesis needed to do this and fewer still could feel their way around the mechanism without seeing it.” I thought for a moment, “Rarity might be able to do it, and I could probably open one if I had all day in my workshop back home.”
Cloud rubbed her chin, “So, somepony used a key to open it then.”
“Or the hotel skeleton key,” I added.
“Hmm,” Cloud thought for a moment before she went over to her bags and pulled out a coin purse. She pulled out a high denomination bit, came back and passed it to me. “Go order breakfast for everypony. We’ll talk more when you get back.”
“Alright then, I’ll be back shortly,” I said with a sigh. “At least I’ll have time to think.”
The walk to the kitchens did give me time to think. I came up with a short list of suspects as I walked down the flights of cloud stairs. I’ve stayed in many hotels in my travels, but most have some arrangement for summoning room service. I suppose a quick flight down isn’t too much trouble for a pegasus.
I returned upstairs with a small herd of waiters carrying plates of food. When I got back to the room all the mares from last night were waiting at the table. A few cheered as I brought the parade of breakfast in. I tipped the waiters with Cloud’s money and sat down with the rest of last night’s party goers.
The piles of omelettes, eggs, hay bacon, and toast were distributed with orange juice from a huge pitcher. Everypony tucked in with gusto.
“So Turner,” Cloud said from across the table. “I filled everypony in on what happened. Vanilla thinks she knows what happened to it.”
I’ll admit I didn’t remember who that was, so I waited patiently for one of the mares to finish her mouthful and take up the explanation.
“There’s only one real key for each safe,” Vanilla said. “But there are three skeleton keys for them.” Now that I knew which one was Vanilla, I recognised her as the desk clerk from the reception desk yesterday. The same one Cloud Kicker had started to chat up.
“The three keys belong to maintenance, security and to the hotel’s owner, which he shares with his son,” Vanilla continued.
I stopped chewing the omelette in my mouth and thought. Last night’s tournament was intended to be a trap: watchers in the audience, thousands of bits on the table, winner takes all. I started to chew absentmindedly again as the dots connected.
Naturally that would need to be set up by somepony with influence over the hotel. Sharky was the one who was going to benefit, so it was his idea. He must be the owner’s son, and now that I think about it he was wearing a golden key around his neck.
“Vanilla,” I asked. “Is the owner’s son called Card Shark?”
“Yes,” Vanilla replied with surprise. “How did you know?”
“Lucky guess, that smug git was cheating at the card game last night.” I leaned forward and took up the glass of OJ for a drink. I sculled the entire glass and dropped it back onto the puffy cloud table. “Cloud, didn’t Sharky invite you to some sort of victory party tonight?”
“He did,” Cloud replied and considered it for a moment. “He’s probably still going to do it without the victory anyway.”
“Types like him love having toadies around.” I toyed with my remaining food. “Vanilla, his room would have a safe as well, right?”
“All the rooms do, though the penthouse has a larger and more secure model.”
I shrugged, “That’s what most ponies would think, but I’ve got an idea to fix that.” I sat up straight. “Well, I’d like money back. Cloud, you up for going to another party tonight?”
“Are you saying that you’re going to steal it back?” Cloud asked with a scandalized tone.
“Hey,” I shrugged. “Sharky stole it from me and I’ll take it back. The underlying harmony balances out and everything will be peachy.”
“Turner, this isn’t our job,” Cloud argued. “We should just report it to the guard and let them handle it.”
I disagreed. I’ve seen how the guard work back in Canterlot. They’re mostly ceremonial trumpeters and chariot pullers acting as camouflage for the few truly skilled members that hide in their ranks. Most anypony of worth is somewhere else, not in the cities. Not to insult Dust Kicker, she was probably one of the good ones.
“Cloud, I don’t think going to the guard would be a good idea.”
“Why not?” she asked, like she was personally affronted.
“We’re in a city run by casinos owned by ponies with bank accounts that read like the royal treasury.” I tapped my empty plate. “Sharky was cheating in front of Keen Eye last night, and he probably knew about it.”
“What about my cousin?” Cloud asked.
“Same story, I doubt that the local guard is actually corrupt, but they’d have a lot of trouble trying to pin anything on Sharky.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “The moment an investigation starts the bits will disappear and they’ll deny everything. We need to move in quickly and without any warning.”
Cloud surrendered, “what do we do then?”
“What we do best,” I said and then looked around at our guests. “You girls want to come as well? It’ll be fun.”
The music was rocking, ponies were dancing and Card Shark was probably in the centre of it all. Until his guards opened the door and the entire room came to a halt.
Not all at once, first a few ponies saw us and they stopped to look. Then more started to look upon us and soon the entire room was watching.
Standing in the grand doorway were the six of us in our pointy sunglasses and large hats. In the centre stood Cloud and me, and we were surrounded by our companions from last night. We looked ostentatious, eccentric and perhaps a little scandalous. I’ll admit, Cloud Kicker has some amazing swag and right now half the ponies in the room wished they were us.
A ripple passed through the crowd and Sharky stepped out into the clearing in front of us. He looked rather surprised to see us.
Our companions stepped forward into the room and flared their wings to throw glitter around before taking on provocative poses — Cloud’s idea. Then we stepped forward to stand amongst them and Cloud draped herself across me. It was so absurd ponies would have to think we were important and rich, nopony else could be this mad.
“Sharky!” I called out with laughter. “How serendipitous, a true delight to see you once more, old boy.”
Sharky blinked a few times and said “what?” under his breath. Most of the crowd felt the same way.
Cloud hopped up onto my back and rode me as I walked forward, “After last evening, I thought that I should come join you at your victory party.” I snorted a laugh. “Well… not really your victory. Because I won the game, but now everything seems to be coming up Turner.”
I stopped in front of him, with Cloud lounging seductively on my back and surrounded by attractive mares spreading glitter everywhere. I looked over the top of my ridiculous sunglasses, “And I have you to thank.”
Sharky’s sanity didn’t seem to be coping well, “but, but how—wha… is… is she licking your ear?!”
“Yes,” I said as Cloud went to town, “yes she is.” You try saying that with a straight face. It was all I could do to hide the laughter.
Sharky blinked a few more times, “Where did you get the money for this?” he asked. In truth ‘all this’ cost fifteen bits from the local branch of the Party and Prank store. Pinkie endorses their products as ‘fun-a-rific’.
“Here and there,” I dismissed with a shrug. “I haven’t even spent the bits from last night yet, they’re still in my safe.”
You could almost hear the gears turning in Sharky’s head as his inner git told him that I wasn’t as rich as I looked, and that I’d keep embarrassing myself. Given the chance I’m sure he’d try to set me up with a rigged bet tonight to see what else he could fleece out of me. Assuming I had more money of course.
“Well, it’s nice to see you,” Sharky said in some attempt at sounding pleasant. “I hope you’ll enjoy the party. In fact, you might want to join me and my friends a little later for a little game. Until then, have a pleasant evening.” Sharky gave a polite nod and backed away to search for a less sanity blasting pony to talk to.
I smiled as he left and once he was out of sight I craned my neck back to see Cloud Kicker. “Right, we’re in. We all stick together and mingle until we find the safe.”
We swung past the hor’dourves table and the girls took an opportunity to get something to eat. Cloud Kicker made a show out of feeding me pieces with a wing, much to the delight of onlookers. As expected, Sharky had populated his party with sycophants much like the Canterlot Elite do. I became a target of gossip and my eccentric entrance marked me as somepony worth talking to. If I could figure out a way to get them to invest in some scheme; I could probably get actual rich instead of pretend rich very quickly.
We made our way around the penthouse, talking to the other guests and moving deftly between conversations. Cloud helped speed things up by providing a few affectionate displays and tossing out the occasional innuendo. She managed to get a spit take out of one old mare when she said, ‘Oh I’m just returning the favour; he rode me for hours last night.’
We quickly eliminated every room except the locked private study and time was getting tight. We had to do this at the right time. Ideally the heist had to be done during the sunset while we still had light and once night fell we’d escape under cover of darkness. I had a return train trip to Ponyville departing tonight, and I intended to be on it with my money.
“Alright, time for part two,” I muttered. I brought the girls together. “Alright, we’re moving onto the next part. Which means this is where we split up.” Cloud hopped off my back and gave each of the girls a quick wing hug.
“It’s been fun,” Cloud told each of them. “If any of you drop by Ponyville, we’ll bang.” The girls all wished her luck in return and promised to say hello if they were in the area. I didn’t get any attention. I was under no illusions here, they came for the Kicker experience and I was just a sideshow.
“Alright you lot,” I said. “Wait for my signal and make sure you’ve got your nose plugs in. Also, don’t forget that those silly hats and sunglasses are protecting your identities. Nopony’s going to see past them,” I gave them a wink over my glasses. “Oh, and if this works I’ll send you thank you cards and a present for doing this.” With a final wave goodbye, the four mares split off to go mingle in the crowd.
I looked around for any sign of Sharky. “Alright Cloud, let’s get on with it.” I sighed, “I know you’ve been looking forward to this part.”
Cloud’s eyebrow went up and she smirked, “Stop pretending you don’t enjoy this.” I held my forehead against a hoof and gave my head a shake.
“Let’s make it look good, for the audience,” I chuckled as I motioned my head at the crowd. The grin returned to Cloud’s face for a brief moment, just before she shot forward and pulled me into what could only politely be called a kiss. I was held up as she spun me around in a complex dance that was half flying and half kissing. The party guests watched as we spun to a halt in front of the office door. Cloud put me down for a moment and I bucked it open before she carried me in, shutting the door behind us.
“That should guarantee us some privacy for a while,” I said with a laugh.
“Oi, who’re you two?” Said a voice from across the room.
“Oh, guards. Great.” There were two thugs standing in front a decently sized vault in the office wall. I sighed, “I’ll handle this, hot flanks,” I said loudly and began to circle the thugs.
The pair focused on me and followed me as I walked away from Cloud Kicker. “I’m warning you two.” I stood up on my hind legs and waved around my hooves, “I know the mystical art of earth-fu.”
The thugs were about to charge when Cloud flew up behind them and cracked their heads together. They collapsed onto the cloud beneath them without another sound. I looked back up at Cloud and she shrugged, “I can’t believe they fell for that.”
“Sharky can’t afford true goons. Alright, look for the safe key.”
I nipped around the office and looked in desk drawers while Cloud checked the thugs. I quickly gave up when I saw the sun was about to set. “We don’t have time for this. Cloud, open up a tear.”
“Huh?” She asked with a bemused expression.
“In the cloud,” I clarified. “If we can’t find a key then we’ll just toss the feathering vault out into the sky and let gravity open it for us.” I gave my mane a tussle, “I’m probably going to need a lift down though.”
“If you wanted to ride me again you could have just to asked,” Cloud said and she went out the window to make an exit.
I spent another couple of minutes searching the office for the key. Not that it did much good. The only key here was probably the one around Sharky’s neck.
I was rummaging through Sharky’s tax returns – he doesn’t pay nearly enough – when there was banging on the door. I cursed and went to stand in front of the vault. The door crashed down and Sharky walked in with another set of thugs in tow. I simply straightened my sunglasses. Behind Sharky stood most of the party guests as they fought to see what was happening through the doorway.
“Time Turner,” Sharky growled as he spread his wings out to intimidate me. “Did you think I wouldn’t figure out what you were planning?”
“Well…” I scratched the back of my head. “Honestly, I don’t think you will. You’ve come in here with your hired goons and a crowd of party guests at your back.”
“Yes, and of course you realise there is no escape for you.”
I blinked and took my sunglasses off, “Did you really just say that?”
“I have the exit blocked,” Sharky pointed out with a wing. “You can’t fly, and there’s nowhere for you to move.” There were a couple of bangs from behind me. “What was that?”
“Nothing, but I will admit that you’ve managed to back me in a corner, brought an audience and…” I looked over his shoulder, “I think your DJ’s waiting for a fight to break out so he can play his best music.” A grin crossed my face, “That means it’s time.”
“Time for what?”
“Time,” I put my sunglasses back on, “for it to go down.” The DJ slammed his record down and I brought a hoof to my lips to whistle.
In the crowd behind Sharky, the mares who’d escorted Cloud and me to the party flicked their wings out again. Instead of the normal glitter, their wings spread a pink powder that we bought in bulk earlier. The pink powder spread out in dense cloud that caused ponies to break out into fits of sneezing. This secured the escape of the mares and provided a distraction for me to get out.
I spun around and bolted toward the vault. I built up as much momentum as I could in the short distance and leapt at solid mass of steel. The impact pushed the vault out of the back of the cloud wall and I rode it out into the open sky.
I started counting. I had a forty two second window to be caught by Cloud Kicker and if she didn’t catch up to me I’d be forced to activate my reset. Considering how much backup Sharky had up there, I’d prefer not to.
The vault started on its downward arc and I fell off as it rolled beneath me. It fell along with me just in touch range. I craned my neck to look behind me. Sharky and his two thugs were in pursuit, with Cloud following close behind them. They were so focused on me that they never noticed her.
Still, I was merely falling. While flying might be the art of ‘falling and missing the ground’ it also assumed some form of power. Pegasi had wings, I didn’t, and they were catching up.
I looked around for options and spotted a cloud stairway beneath me. I decided to lose my pursuers by kicking away from the safe and falling through the clouds. The thicker stuff they use for construction had to be more solid than the average cloud after all, and I could pass through it where they couldn’t.
I kicked off and tumbled toward the stairway beneath. One of the thugs broke off to chase me. I adjusted my path by throwing my weight around to fall backwards.
The thug quickly caught up to me and grabbed me, “Got you!”
I reached up and trapped his wing, “On the contrary, I got you.”
We fell right toward the towering cloud stairway that lead up from Apple Wood. Just before we hit it, I released him and let the clouds surround me as I passed. The thug hit the thing like it was a slightly spongy brick wall.
It wasn’t much better for me. I thought that my passage would clear the way for my thunder-forged shoes and I’d fly through cleanly. The cloud recovered faster than I would have thought. As I passed, it flowed back to occupy the space I made and caught at the edges of my shoes. I was falling backwards; so it felt like all my legs were being pulled out of their sockets, at the same time.
Argh my legs! This is the worst pain ever! I thought as each molecule of cloud tried to make it worse. I think I was probably screaming. Mares talk about foaling as being the most painful thing ever. I think I found a contender for the gold medal, or at least silver.
Thankfully it ended before it did permanent damage, but it was a month before I could stretch my legs properly again. I tumbled out of the cloud and started falling again. I panicked for a second when I realized I’d lost count of how long I’d been falling. I set my count at thirty and started again from there.
I quickly spotted the next thug flying around the stairway before he made a beeline right for me. Then Cloud Kicker flew around the stairs behind him and got in close. She inverted and came up from underneath him. The thug looked down in surprise for a brief second before Cloud kicked the end of his wing. The thug lost the ability to control his flight and spiralled away to land somewhere.
Cloud flew onward and came up behind/below me. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not a pegasus and I wouldn’t know it. She grabbed me between her legs and turned me back up the right way.
“Did you miss me?” She asked.
“Like you wouldn’t believe it,” I gasped. “Quick, get us back to the vault.”
Cloud turned, or ‘banked’ I think, and flew us in the direction I’d last seen the vault falling. As we got back to it I saw Sharky trying to do the impossible and grab hold of it.
“Get in front of it,” I told Cloud and we flew in.
Sharky was trying his best to try and stop it falling when we caught up to him. “Hey, Sharky! I called out over the vault between us. “You want it? You can have it!” I brought up my rear legs and bucked that safe with every little bit of my earth pony strength. It smashed into him with all the force I’d given it and stunned him. Sharky ended up spiralling away in uncontrolled flight. I hoped he’d hit the side of a building somewhere.
Of course I’d forgotten about the other body in that interaction. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and I just kicked me and Cloud Kicker toward the ground. Beneath us lay the hazardous landing zone of the Apple Wood Orchard and we were fast approaching it as Cloud fought to stabilize us.
“Up, up, up, up, up,” I cried as the earth came up to reclaim me. It wasn’t pretty, though I’d wager somepony would find it a fascinating thing to watch. My memory’s a touch hazy, but as my hooves hit the ground they ploughed into the soft earth and threw us from each other. I tucked my legs in and rolled along the ground with a few bounces. Each one leaving a huge bruise on me and probably causing hairline fractures in my bones. I came to a halt when I finally bounced into a tree and fell down to land on its gnarled roots.
I laid there on the roots of the apple tree as I stared up through its branches at the sky above. The sun had finally set and now I could see the stars through the open hole in the middle of Los Pegasus. It felt rather serene and rather nice to be reunited with the earth again.
Cloud Kicker eventually found me and looked down at me with a mischievous grin on her face.
“Cloud… before… you ask… no… because that… would be,” a gasped for a moment, “rather painful for me right now.” She held up a hoof over my chest and waggled her eyebrows. She started poking me and got an, “ouch,” from me each time. “Stop, stop. That’s tender.” She did it again for good measure. “Cloud, I am one giant bruise right now. If you poke me again, I will get my revenge on you.”
She poked me on the nose instead, “boop.”
“That’s it, Cloud,” I said seriously. “That’s the last straw. I’m going to get you back for that. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but I’m going to get you back for that.” I rolled over, pain assaulting me as every root and rock stabbed my bruised body.
“Right,” I said as stood back up unsteadily. “Now, where’s that vault.”
“Over there somewhere,” Cloud motioned with her head behind her. She led me over there while I walked like a newborn foal again. The vault had made a crater when it landed and it sat in the centre of its little hole, intact.
“I don’t believe this,” I complained. “I buck this darn thing out of a cloud and it’s still intact?!”
“Somepony must really want to keep their stuff safe,” Cloud quipped.
I ignored the pun and started to look over the safe. No cracks or much beyond a few dents. I sighed, “Best thing we can do is get it back to my workshop in Ponyville. Cloud, go find a cart rental place. This is technically an earth pony town, so there’ll be one somewhere. I’ll work on this in the meantime.”
Cloud zipped off and returned in less than five minutes with a cart flying behind her. “Will this do?”
“Perfect, how did you find one so fast?”
“There was a place right across from the farmhouse,” Cloud said with a shrug.
“Right, let’s get this thing in and down to the train station.” I rubbed my sore back, “I’m going to sleep the entire way home.”
We quickly got the vault out of the crater and into the cart. It was fairly obvious what it was though. Not many ponies travel across Equestria with a locked safe. Cloud asked, “How do you plan on explaining this to the conductor?”
I considered it for a moment before taking the cart on a circuit of a few apple trees and stopped occasionally to buck a few down. I quickly had a small pile of apples covering the safe.
“Special delivery to Sweet Apple Acres,” I said. “The Apples have to compare their orchards somehow.”
“You sure this will work?”
“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “Nopony ever wants to upset the apple cart.”