//------------------------------//
// Being English does have its few advantages! 
// Story: Shade the Starcunning man 
// by Shadowhawk 
//------------------------------//

So, for once, I'm not going to recap what happened last. Actually, a recap isn't such a bad idea, I can't even remember where to start the next bit. Hmm. So, I learned to teleport. Well, I call it rift jumping but only because it sounds cooler. Enjoyed an ice cold shower produced by a cloud! Got fitted with some delightful clothes and one very silly but pricey gemsuit. Had a disturbing dream about, you guessed it, Princess-sodding-Luna. Again! And finally, fortunately, have awoken to a pair of light blue eyes on a pink face that isn't more than 5 inches away from my own. Recap complete, moving to the next chapter!
　



I screamed. I might be a fearless man of magic, but whatever else was I supposed to do? I've been hunted down in a forest by a terrible shadow creature! Ok, I know that was Luna, but still I thought it was some magical beast that intended to rip my innards out and dine on whatever meat happened to grace the forest floor. Those huge eyes screamed of untold evil, as if reality itself was responsible for the absolute and definitive terror that they promised.
So, I yelled at it and scrambled up the seat. My heart was racing, my blood screaming with fear hormones and adrenaline. What fucking abomination is that pink horror?! With uncharacteristic agility, I leapt onto the back of the sofa and balanced there. My hand went to the amulet around my neck and flicked it off. I was going to rift jump the hell out of there!
That was, of course, until I realised that the pink monster was actually just another pony. It, because I didn't know it's gender yet, had rather poofy hair not unlike cotton candy with a tail in a similar fashion. It also had light blue eyes and a big smile, which rapidly began to fade. Probably due to the fact that I look like I'm about to drop a chocolate log into my trousers.

"Pinkie!" A female voice spoke up, somewhere behind this pony, sounding exasperated. "You scared..." The voice stopped for a moment. "It."
　
With my heart rate now returning to normal, I took a gander around the room to find that voice. Ah, there are two other ponies here, one near the pink one and the other several meters behind them. One is purple with dark blue hair. with a streak that makes me think she's either a follower of the music genre called 'Punk' or is just a hipster. The other is a plain white unicorn pony, with dark brown hair. It's levitating a notebook/quill combo and is alternating between looking in our direction and writing furiously.
　
"Excuse her.... Um. Sir?" Purple says, gently pulling the pink one back with a hoof. I give a half-arsed glare at the pair.
"Thank you." I say through my gritted teeth. "For the most terrifying wake-up call in the history of wake-up calls. Have you not heard of 'personal space'?!" I gesture at the pink one who immediately looks like she's going to start crying. Jesus-fucking-Christ.
"I'm sowwy! I just wanted to say hi." It replies sadly.
　
Leaping off the back of the sofa, I land a few feet away from them. Purple's expression changes to concern, as if she's suddenly realised that she's looking at an alien creature whose disposition is entirely unknown. Well, that's what I'd be thinking anyway. The pink one is now giving me the good old heart melting puppy dog look with her moistening eyes. It takes a not-inconsiderate amount of mental fortitude to not go 'd'aww' like a little girl. A few moments pass before that look fractures what little annoyance I had for it.
　
"Look," I say, "Just... Don't do that again, ok? And I'm sorry about being angry. I was having a nightmare about a giant eyeball looking at me and then I woke up to yours looking at me. Freaked me out!"
"A giant eyeball?" The pink one says, "Through a peephole?!" What?!
"How did you know that?!" I half-cry out.
"Well, silly! You'd only see an eyeball through a peephole! Or maybe what the doctor uses to look at eyes! Were you a doctor in your nightmare?!" 
"No." I reply, trying not to freak out again.  
"So it could only be a peephole, silly!" Inexplicably she's gone from practically crying to smiling in the blink of an eye. Not the weirdest thing I've seen today.
"So sir, " purple looks no-less concerned, but speaks anyway. "If I may ask, what is your name?" 

Oh boy! I've dreamed of the day I could use my full fake name! All that time daydreaming wasn't wasted after all! Puffing out my chest, I splay out the fingers of my left hand and place them on my chest. With my right, I hold it slightly outstretched with palm skyward.

"I am Shade, Starcunning man of Earth. At your service." Bowing, I offer them a warm smile because fuck yea I just got to use my fake name! The pink one giggles while purple looks somewhat unimpressed.
"You're silly!" The pink one is grinning. "I'm Pinkie Pie!" She leaps into the air..somehow. I have to practically force myself not to laugh out loud. With a name like that she's either a baker or a porn star.
"And I am Twilight Sparkle." The purple one offers me her hoof. Alright then. I kneel down and wrap my digits around it. She quietly gasps in what I presume is surprise. I give it a gentle shake before releasing it and standing back up.
"Twilight, you shook hooves with an alien!" Pinkie bar-whispers to the purple pony. I'm not looking at her expression because I'm too busy staring at my right hand, frowning.
"What's wrong?" Twilight asks, that concerned tone in her voice.
"I'm just thinking how strange it is that you know what a handshake is. I can't see why you'd use hooves in that manner when you could just nuzzle each other." My statement is met with a very slight blush from the unicorn. Oh Gods, please not this again. No more ponies who are into me, please!
"Nuzzling is rather... Intimate. Hoofshakes are physical contact greetings that do not have that element but still show respect." Whoa, she sounds knowledgeable. Thank you Gods for her not being a human-o-phile "Can I ask what you are, Sir?"
"Please, call me Shade, Twilight Sparkle." I give her a small smile. "I'm a human." I pause for a moment. "Well, I guess I might be a mutant human or something. Eh." I shrugged.
"Why do you say that? Oh, you can call me Twilight."
"Well, I can do magic." Her eyes roam briefly over my body.
"But you haven't got a horn. How can you?"
"You don't look a gift horse in the mouth." She looks confused. Oh yea, pony. "An expression from where I'm from. Basically, when something this good falls into your lap you don't question it, you just say thanks and move on. When I got magic, and no I'm not going into an origin story here, I just went with it."
　
It's at this point that my brain actually recognises the sound of paper being folded over. Glancing up I can see that white pony still furiously scribbling away with it's quill, then I feel a tremble in my gut. There is no way it could be writing down anything other than the conversation I'm having right now. As I said before, my modus operandi has always been to hide my skills, so I'm incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of having my talks on magic being on paper. Twilight starts to say something but I interrupt her.
　
"Excuse me! White unicorn pony, may I ask you to stop doing that." It stops writing momentarily and looks at me.
"But I have to make a record of this! Princess Celestia has tasked me with this and I cannot disappoint the Princess!" Oh brother.
"Erm, why do you need to make a record of this?"
"I have to record the interactions of Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie! The Princess wants her experience's with her friends to be known across Equestria. She'll be very disappointed if I don't make a note of when they met a new pon...err." She quickly flips the notepad over to check for my species name. "Human!" She finally says.
"Well, can you just not do that, m'kay? It makes me very uncomfortable Ms..?"
"McCarthy." Well that's a weird pony name.
"Well Ms. McCarthy, I'm going to see Celestia in a few minutes and I'll make sure you don't get in trouble. She'll be ok with it, I promise." The white mare considers this for a moment, then her quill and notebook go into a pair of saddlebags.
"Well, if you promised then ok. Ooh! I could take a break." And with that, she goes over to the table of refreshments and goes to town. Well that was easy! I look down at Twilight who looks curious and confused.
"Why don't you like being written about?"
"It's one of my deals from back home. I had to hide my magic there. And while I'm ok with showing off here, writing about it just fills me with fear."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm the only one who can do magic from back home."
"No, I mean why be afraid?" I chuckle at that. Have to really.
"Because if anyone ever found out I'd likely find myself being kidnapped, experimented on and then taken apart to find out why I can do magic while no-one else can. My world is kind of messed up like that. Heh."

Judging by the horrified expression on the faces of those three mares, I must have said something wrong. Derp, you idiot Shade! You've just made your homeworld sound like it's filled with psychopaths, murderers and crazed scientists! Of course they're going to be horrified! Making light of being killed because you're magical, that'd be a horrible idea for a unicorn to visualise! As I silently chastise myself, I notice the pink one looking at me with pity for a moment before snapping to a determined expression. Then she leaps at me.

"Hug time!" As she somehow manages to grab my entire torso with all four of her legs and squeezes. "Hugs make things all better!"
　
[ERROR] Oh god, what the fuck is this thing?!?! It feels like my entire body is magically trembling with strange energy. My magical sense snaps on and I stare at that mare. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!?! To call it indescribable would be an understatement. Streamers of something that, on the surface, looked like magical energy flew from it's surface. But they were certainly not magic, because magic isn't supposed to loop in on itself! Some of the streamers of energy even managed to somehow leave reality entirely, only to reappear meters away unharmed! I'm fairly certain that the English language lacks the necessary syntax and words to fully explain it. Then, suddenly, my entire visual field turns pink like someone had draped a cloth over my eyes. A memory slams into my mind, a horrible realisation that taunted my sanity:
　
'I am a conduit, Hoofy, not a generator'.
　
AND NOW I'M PLUGGED INTO WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS!
　
Without warning, because warnings would require that this thing made sense, I find myself unintentionally riftjumping. Only, it's completely abnormal jump. The space I leap through is pink! I'm assaulted by incredibly happy feelings. My mind burns with discomfort at the thought of any creature that is unhappy!
There is no way of telling up nor down in this alterverse, but I'm apparently flying through it without the need of focus. I see a cloud of party balloons ascend into the heavens on my left, a pair of winged hearts swoop through the sky on my right. I can hear happy music that sounds like a Polka band. Then I see them, two barely lit sparks in the alter-reality of wherever the hell I am. These are unhappy beings! I must fix it! I make my exit, fuelled with the magicks of that pink one, wearing a grin.
I emerge from the rift to the sound of trumpets and a blast of confetti. I've arrived... In Celestia's throne room. Oh dear. The occupants of it, one very pissed off looking griffon and one very regal looking Celestia, look at me like I'm some sort of weird alien. Which, being that I am an alien, is entirely understandable. The griffon was huge, decked-out in a gleaming chest/body plate with medals and other accompaniments befitting a diplomat. When his brain seemly kicks in, he gestures at me with his right foreclaw. He doesn't look happy.
　
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" The griffon roars.
　
His right foreclaw is wrapped in bronze, the tips look razor sharp. Obviously some sort of weapon. I look over at Celestia and I can see the wheels of her mind turning furiously. But her expression barely wavers. Mark of a true monarch, that is, and that's coming from a guy who's a staunch royalist. A moment later, she speaks in a very motherly voice that I'm not entirely familiar with.
　
"Ambassador Shade, you are early. We were still negotiating."
　
Fuck. Fuck that pink pony. Fuck her right in the ass for this. Atleast my innate British nature stands for something here. I'm diplomatic as fuck. Although in reality that means being a compulsive liar who switches roles at the drop of a hat. I think I get plus points for my accent too, Cambridge born and bred, so I already sound refined. I offer Celestia a most elegant head bow, my eyes closing momentarily.
　
"My apologies, Princess, my watch must be fast." I say, hitching my accent up from 'refined' to 'I'm so wealthy, I shit gold' level. The griffon still looks surprised, so I figure it's time I... Wait a second. Why the fuck am I holding a string, that turns out to be attached to a pink balloon, in my right hand? And why is a single cupcake on a plate in my left hand?! Shit, no time to think about that.
"Shade," Celestia says, "This is Ambassador Vémundr, son of Végeirr and Lord of the isles of Faeroe. He is a griffon." Come on diplomat Shade! New species, new rules, no fucking idea how to play this other than being so cool that I'm ice!
"A pleasure to meet you." I respond. Goddamn I'm good! He looks at the items in my hands.
"And what is the meaning of this?" He gestures with that bronze claw at the cupcake and balloon. Fuck! Suddenly, I get a flash of brilliance! Remembering the hand/hoof-shake from before, I recall why humanity invented the handshake and pervert it to my own end.
"A human greeting ritual." I say, attempting and managing to sound sincere. "In my right hand I hold a symbol of my intent, which in this case is peaceful, so it is an object that signifies either joy or happiness. In my left, I hold a different symbol, one of my hopes. As I am abroad, I must limit myself to a simple dessert, to show that I am hopeful of peace and, potentially, many a good time together. Of course, if I was at home, I would offer you a feast. But one can only do so much."
"How do I know it's not poisoned?" The griffon asks warily. Christ, aren't you supposed to be a diplomat? That's not diplomatic at all!
"Have you met a human before?" It's a rhetorical question, so I don't bother waiting for his answer. "It is part of the ritual that we share the food together. It is meant to show that, while we are open to our new friends, we are not so foolish as to trust them immediately. Trust must be earned, as I'm sure you understand."
The griffon's expression softens a tiny fraction. Fuck me, is this actually working?
"I apologise, once again, for the size of the cake. But needs must as the devil wants, as they say. I see you have a fine weapon, and while I would never normally ask that such a trivial task be undertaken by such finery, I feel I am obliged to ask that you cut said cake. Princess, would you care for a piece?"

As I turn to look at Celestia, I hear the sound of metal grinding upon metal. It is a vicious sound, the sound that warriors of my history would have cringed at hearing, but it meant little to me. Celestia nods very gently. As I look back at the ambassador, I see that the cupcake has been equally divided into three sections and he looks pleased with himself. Not that I could blame him, it doesn't even look like any kind of edged blade as passed through it. Must be a damn fine weapon. Oh listen to me, being all English and shit!

"You shall have this piece." The griffon commands, gesturing at the slice furthest from me. Fuck, I refuse to let this asshole have the upper hand, I'm Shade the diplomatic man now, bitch!
"You must have met another human!" I smile warmly at him, transferring the string of the balloon to my other hand before picking up the piece he gestured at. "For you knew that it is customary for the guest, or in this case the one being greeted, to select the offerer's piece of food for their consumption! An exercise in mutual trust, you see, to prove that I could not have poisoned it. We humans are also paranoid." From beneath his obviously practiced veneer of contempt, it's pretty clear that he's got the tiniest of smiles from all the back and forthing. Celestia takes her piece and he does the same. I raise mine to the heavens as if I'm raising a glass.
"To new friends, may they never falter." They raise their own and we eat. It is barely a mouthful and they both chew conservatively. Then they swallow and the moment passes.
"Well Ambassador Shade, Ambassador Vémundr and I still have business to conclude. Would you mind waiting in the reception area for a moment longer?" That commanding, off-Celestia tone from Celestia herself is really starting to get to me. But I'm still playing at diplomat, so better be guarded about it.
"Of course. A pleasure to meet you, Ambassador Vémundr."
"Likewise." His tone betrays a certain unease, but then again I did just teleport into the middle of an argument.

Giving them both a quick bow, I move slowly but formally to the exit. The secretary gave me a startled look as I emerged from the double doors. I returned her look with one that said: 'Don't fucking bother me right now' and enquired as to where the nearest bathroom was. Leaving the confused secretary the plate and ballon, I follow the given directions, running my stupid ass all the way there and, for a moment, stared into the ceramic bowl of the toilet.
　
Then I chucked up my guts.

The combination of rifting through 'Pink space', the magical training I'd done that day and also the huge amounts of adrenaline fuelled British bullshit.. well, it does have a cost! As I let the last of my fried egg breakfast... Hold up. Ok, so I'm telling you about what happened, don't be surprised if I miss out on the irrelevant (And boring) details like 'What I had for breakfast.' or when I used the bathroom last. I mean, really, who wants to hear about a guy taking a piss? Anyway, at some undetermined point later, I finish, then clean my maw up and made my way back to the reception room.
Slipping quietly back into the room, I can see that the pink pony is currently seated on a bench in the middle of the room next to a deeply confused looking Twilight Sparkle. Pinkie herself is just staring off into the distance in a classic 'Thousand yard stare' kinda way. They haven't heard me arrive and I'm debating on playing this off as funny or annoyed like the good little human. Hmm. I am still pretty angry, but it was kinda funny to ruin a diplomatic meeting. Why not do both? Funny angry. Ooh. I have an idea for that. 
Turning off my amulet, I pull on the field and prepare two seperate spells. Sure, this is a terrible idea, but if I pull it off it'll be halarious. Well, to me atleast. Using a freecast, I throw some energy and make a rift, setting the destination to 3 feet infront of them. For the other spell, I call up Torch! and hold two balls of fire in each of my hands, my arms in the air for intimidation effect. Limbering up my face with a quick stretch, I then put on the angrest look I can, baring my teeth and frowning my brow. Well, I think it looks like I really need to take a poop, but hopefully they won't know the difference. 
Alrighty, Shade the Angryman is a go! With the help of what little remains of the adrenaline before, I riftjump. Surprisingly, my focus is rather good and the jump only feels slightly bad. Abit rough, but whatever. The exit collapses and I emerge with a bang at my destination. The two ponies immediately notice and their eyes widen.

"PURGE YOU WITH FLAME!" I yell. God, I'm such a 40k nerd. 

The effect is immediate and, as I predicted, is completely halarious. They leap into the air, screaming, before taking off towards the door. Oh sweet Jesus, that was a good one! I dispel my torches and laugh. I laugh so hard infact that I nearly start crying, collapsing onto my knees and hit the floor with my fist acouple times. Man, their faces were a picture! I can hear they've not actually left the room, but I can hear what appears to be the sound of magic. After a moment, I finally look up to apologise and I'm greeted by the sight of something that I didn't expect.

"Is that a fucking cannon?!" I scream at the pink pony, who's hoof slams down onto the button at the back of said cannon. Farewell world, you're a dick!

Cream pie right to the face. Yes, a cream pie firing cannon. Even then, my broken brain can't make a dirty joke outta that!

"I suppose I deserved that." I say, wiping off most of the cream with a single pass as I stand up again. I can see both of them are in quasi-combat poses. Looks like my little prank wasn't so smart after all. Shit. What the fuck do I say now?
"YOU WON'T HARM ME OR MY FRIEND!" Twilight Sparkle yells fiercely. 
"Well, your friend there just made me riftjump into the middle of Celestia's meeting with Ambassador Vémundr. But I was only kidding anyway." And with that statement, the atmosphere of the room chills out a little. Twilight looks wary, still ready for a fight, but confused by what I just said. 
"I did?" The pink pony enquires, confused. 
"Yes. You did. You see, I'm a conduit for magical energies and I just got a little taste of your magic. What are you anyway?" 
"She's Pinkie Pie, don't bother asking why. Trying to find out will drive you nuts." Twilight explains after groaning at my question. Since it's obvious we're not going to be having any epic battles, I flick the amulet back on.
"Well, sorry if my little prank scared you. But you should have seen your faces. Priceless!" Pinkie giggles. 
"Yeacuzyouwereall 'raar' andwewereall 'ahh!' andthenwewhereall 'letsgetthemonster!'" Her little blabbering is quickly stopped by Twilight's hoof. 
"Sorry." She sheepishly offered my confused little head.

Eventually, they return to their seats and I sit down next to Pinkie. Twilight, who apparently is a student of magic, asks me about my own and I dutifully explain about my conduit/generator theory for the second time that bloody day. Seriously, I should just write it down and have them read it instead of wasting my breath. Anyways, after I finish the description Pinkie asks me the weirdest question.

"Do you like to party?" I look at her with a twinge of concern. I've seen those American movies where the girls ask the guys that! 
"You mean like 'Getting drunk and dancing' or the other meaning?"
"There's another meaning for partying?" She looks confused. Ah, thank you Gods. "What's the other meaning?" 
"Yes. I do like to party." I'm completely ignoring that question. 
Pinkie cheers, throwing her hooves into the air. Had to smile at that. Once she's finished, her hooves come down and one lands on my thigh. Oh fuck! Not this agai....Nothing's happening. She gasps when she realises she's just touched me again. A moment more passes. Still nothing. 
"What?" Looking down at that leg. "Why is this so damn inconsistent!?" She moves her leg away. Twilight coughs quietly. 
"You're wearing a Radiant Sol amulet, Shade, it generates a magic shield. It's very likely blocking Pinkie's...Pinkieness." Naturally, that makes perfect sense!
"Ahh. So that's how that thing got in my head." 
"What thing?" She asks. Whoa, danger Starcunning man! Discord's a chaos God, remember! Let's not burn these bridges!
"Just some dumb magician, nothing very important." I play it off easily. "Where's that other pony gone off too anyway?" 
"Well, when you left she was feeling tired, so she's gone off to find the other writerpony. Larson, I think his name is." 

Our conversation stops at that moment when the doors open and the secretary pops her head in. Apparently Celestia is finished with the Griffon and can now see these two. They get up and offer me a smile and a goodbye which I return. The door closes and now I'm alone again in the room. Looking down, I pick up the amulet and inspect it. It's funny how I went from not having this thing around my neck to it being practically part of my body. 
Actually, now I'm becoming a bit introspective, my mind goes back to thoughts of Earth. Would I ever find a way back there? Sure, it has it's good and bad points, but that's my home with my stuff! For some reason, thinking of home makes me think of my parents. Sure, I haven't spoken to them in ages, but that's kind of our deal. No contact for months at a time, then we all get togther for the slew of birthdays that, for some ungodly reason, nearly all are at the beginning of the year. Except my brother's birthday.
Oh shit! My brother's birthday! That's in a few weeks! Ok, I'm overstating my level of caring for that. He didn't even get me a birthday present last year. Fuckin' dick. But me not being there means they'll head over to my house and think I've disappeared. They might sell my shit! Or my house! Or both!
The door opens, breaking me from this rather strange tangent. It's the secretary again and it looks like Celestia will see me now. Good, I don't really want to do this, but I'll make it quick. Like pulling off a plaster! The secretary, who incidentally is called 'Front desk', no I'm not kidding, shows me into the throne room. It's a massive room, with the huge golden throne sitting on a raised dias with a red carpet leading to it. The thing is gaudy as fuck, I note, I mean it has waterfalls for God's sake! Celestia gestures at me with hoof, in a 'royal wave' style, to come closer. She smiles warmly. 

"Ambassador Shade, do come in. Front, you may leave us." The she bows and leaves, closing the door behind her. I grin at her. 
"That was some quick thinking there, Celestia." I offer her a small, informal bow as I arrive at the foot of the dais. 
"Yes, well you didn't give me much of a choice. In future, please refrain from doing that unless I also know about it." She giggles. Whoa, her voice is back to normal. Wierd.
"Ahh, so you thought it was funny? And there I was thinking you'd be mad." 
"Did you see the look on old Vémundr's face?" She's started to giggle again, which by the way is a really nice sound. Melodical, almost.
"He looked like he was about to.." Not saying shit himself to a princess. "Lay an egg!" We both share a small laugh about a pissed off griffon for a few moments. 
"So, that 'human greeting ritual', is that a real thing for your kind?" She asks, curious now. 
"Hah! Nope. Completely made it up on the spot. Well, I used the history of the handshake and then just started adding bits on. Convincing though, wasn't it?" 
"It was very. But why have you asked to see me today? Is my sister bugging you too much?" She's got this cheeky glint in her eye. Oh Celestia you...
"No." I'm reluctant to the extreme now, damn nerves. "It's about something that happened today. See me and Hoofy.." I start, but she interrupts.
"Hoofy?"
"It's what I call Hoofbeat."
"Hoofbeat. The Royal Guard unicorn instructor?" She sounds incredulous. 
"Yeah." 
"The very same Hoofbeat who screams all the time and is never seen with a smile on?"
"That'd be the one."
"And you call her Hoofy" I'm starting to get a bit nervous.
"Yep." And with that, she starts to titter, which then devolves into full blown laughter, regal style. I'm looking around like 'what the fuck is funny about that?' look and she bangs her forehoof on the ground. After a few moments, she recomposes herself. 
"I honestly don't know you got away with that, but kudos on not being made to run a thousand laps around Canterlot." Oh Celestia, if you only knew the reason why I got away with it. 
"Anyway, me and her were outside practicing magic in the statue garden when something there started talking to me in my head." Celestia frowns. "It offered me a deal: I release it, it sends me home." Her frown deepens as I pause.
"Since we're not currently drowning in chocolate rain, I take it you said no?" Her tone of voice hardens slightly, obviously understanding to whom I was referring.
"I did say no." Her expression softens. "But then it kinda... Took control of me." Now she's looking at me with some surprise. "And very nearly succeed in breaking itself out, only Hoofy managed to stop me by... Kicking me in the head." 
"I would thought your amulet would have shielded you."
"It was off, we were practicing magic at the time. Sorry, if I'd known..." She descends her throne and puts a reassuring hoof on my bicep. 
"It's alright, Shade, you didn't know and there was no harm done. Well, except for getting kicked in the head, I suppose." She smiles at me as she lowers her hoof and I return it. The smile, not the hoof.
"Thanks." 
"How is your magical training going?" 
"Err. Good. I think. Today I learned how to teleport, although I call it riftjumping because it sounds cooler. I managed to do 7 jumps before Hoofy stopped me!" As I'm telling her this, I can't help but notice her demeanor has changed. She's got this kind of glint in her eye, like she's really enjoying hearing this. 
"And then?" She asks.
"Well, she stops me because my amateur jumps caused me some damage. She does some of her healing magic and then we went to get me some clothes." I grandly wave my arm over my new clothes. "From a seamstress called 'Golden Thread', the funny thing is she tried to give me this piece of clothing covered with gems! It looked so...Gaudy."
"Gemwear is common in Equestrian society, Shade." She explains.
"Oh," I replied, "Well anyway, then me and Hoofy came here. Oh! I also met two of your ponies in your waiting room. Well three technically. Ooh! While I remember, the one called 'McCarthy' tried to write about me. But I'm really not comfortable with any written record, would it be alright if I'm not mentioned in those stories?" 
"Why aren't you comfortable being written about?" She enquires.
"Basically, a wizard on Earth would be experimented on and then likely killed so they could perform an autopsy. And with me being a wizard..." 
"Your world is horrible."
"Preaching to the choir, sister, preaching to the choir." 
"If that is the case, I will have the references removed if it'll make you feel better. So did you learn anything else? Or have a subtle way of summing up your experiences into a heartfelt explaination of today?" She looks REALLY eager now. Is she getting off on this?
"Erm. Err." Well, I don't want to disappoint her! Furiously wracking my brains, I try and think of something. "Don't... Forget to wear protection around chaos gods?" Seriously brain? We're no longer friends. 
She looks confused. "Yes, well I suppose that is a good lesson to learn." That glint has disappeared from her eye, which at this point I'm glad. That was starting to freak me out alittle. "Well, if that is all Shade, I have other duties to attend to." 
"Of course, thanks for this little chat." 

Offering her a little bow, I turn and make my way out of the throne room. But as I get halfway to the door, I'm struck with a strange feeling. Looking over my shoulder, I look back at Celestia, only she's staring at my back with the strangest of smiles. Almost fox-like. Instantly she notices I'm looking back and that look morphs into a motherly smile.

"Is there a problem, Shade?" I frown from over my shoulder and face her. 
"Nothing bad, Celestia, just got a feeling." Her head tilts ever so slightly, which I take as permission to continue. "Like there is something going on, but I'm missing some piece of the puzzle." I explain, then shrug. "Actually, you know what, it's probably just me being tired." 
"You should get some rest, you've had a long day, by the sounds of it." 
"Yea, I should." Walking to the door, I put my hand on it and turn back to her. "By the way, I've been dreaming of your sister." Celestia's motherly smile grows larger and I chuckle nervously. "I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something." 





So I left that throne room and made my way back to the guest room. I actually was kind of tired after all! I mean, I've nearly been raped, got hurt during a debilitating teleportation lesson, got a freezing cloud shower and then interrupted a diplomatic meeting because of some random pink pony! I think rest is entirely appropriate. I'm blessed by the fact that Luna isn't coming due to 'other duties' and has sent along some food, which I don't so much eat as basically gorge myself on. Luna, you've just earned yourself another gold star for this shellfish bonanza!
As I lay my head down to sleep,  I pray to the silent but ever-watchful gods of 'whoever the fuck wants to listen, just help me!' that I can actually get some decent rest. And no dreams about moony!
Please?