Mmm... Okay, now this is comfortable... Wait a second... This isn’t my dorm room!
I woke up with a start, looking around quickly as a blanket fell off of me. It was relatively early in the morning, but there was enough light to see that the small room I had been in last night was the same. Same window, same bed, same two ponies occupying it.
Oh no... Please tell me they didn’t do anything that... Wait, right, my nose is more sensitive now, I remembered, before silently cursing that I had been turned into a stupid Glaceon. I mean, come on! It has the worst attack rating of all the Eeveelutions! Stupid special attack... Who needs it?!
Grumbling to herself, she belatedly realised that she had been breathing through her nose, clasping it with her forepaws as she sat on her haunches. After a moment, she took a shallow sniff with her snifter, then seized her knees and sneezed.
Fluffy, you moron, that’s from Singing in the Rain! This part is about Crystal, not you, so stop messing around!
But it’s my story! I get to tell it how I want to!
No! You already get, like, five times the amount of screen time that poor Crystal does! Now give her her rightful damn screen time!
Oi, Brian, shut the f(buy some apples!) up! I don’t need you to fight my damn battles for me you pompous prick! And you! Shut the hell up and get out of my damn segment! This is my segment, and I’ll kick your sorry ass if you don’t get out right now!
... Yes ma’am. I was leaving to go teach them how to make homemade pizza anyways, so bleh!
Yeah... really mature, sticking your tongue out like that. Oh well, considering that you are only six, I suppose that’s to be expected.
Ha! Hey Fluffy, want some ointment to go with that burn?
... Brian?
L-leaving right away!
... Morons. Ugh. Now, where was I...
I could smell them on each other, but not like... you know. Even if I hadn’t known before, it was easy to smell that they were a couple. Not that I could see what that muscle-bound lug saw in that mess of a mare, but whatever. I’m not stupid enough, let alone bored enough, to start messing around with their relationships just yet.
Let’s see, what to do, what to do... Well, I’m bored, so I guess it’s time to run. They said to make myself at home, right? Sure, whatever. If they didn’t, and they have a problem with it, then I’ll kick their ass, no problem. Stupid cat Pokemon or not, I’m still strong! I’ll show them! The stupid stats are just a game mechanic anyway! I won’t let someone else dictate what I can and can’t be!
I don’t know where I was going, but whatever. This castle place is freaking huge! As much as I hate being a cat, I was starting to pick up some speed! The world record for running was just short of 28 miles per hour, and I was going at least that! I was dodging around maids, guards, butlers, everyone!
Okay, I take it back. Being a Glaceon wouldn’t be all bad! I didn’t think about how being a cat would make me much more agile! Heck, I bet with practice I might even be able to run on the walls or something! Okay, so maybe that was a stretch, but hey! You never know until you try! Maybe I could even-
“Oof!”
Ah-ha-ow... Ow... Okay, who put a brick wall in front of me?! Someone better own up, or heads are going to roll!
“W-what the? Hmm? Out for a morning jog as well, are we?”
Okay... A white... damn, what’s a male horse... Mustang? Sure, let’s go with that. A large, white mustang with sweaty blonde hair is what I ran into. Guess I’m not the only one who likes to stay fit, but is he a stupid muscle builder, an adrenaline junkie, or doing it just to stay fit?
“Now, let’s see, either you’re running for exercise, or you’re running away from something,” he mused, panting lightly. “So the question becomes which is it?”
“Prince Blueblood, are you alright? We’ve received reports of a blue creature running around the palace reckless-”
Prince... Blueblood... Okay, really? That’s the best these ponies could come up with? I mean, he’s a prince. They least they could do is-
Wait a second... Prince... Well, that answers that. He’s exercising to stay in shape because it’s what others expect of him. Wow, I... Don’t know if I hate him or feel sorry for him, honestly.
“Your highness, step back! It could be hostile!” one of the guards said, shoving his spear towards me.
You want to shove a f(Buy some apples!)ing spear in my face on the off-chance that I am hostile? If I wasn’t before, I’m certainly pissed off hostile now, moron!
“Private Green Horn, what have I told you about using excessive force?! Put that spear away!” Blueblood barked at the guard, eyes narrowing. “She is a guest in our fair city of Canterlot, and shall be treated as such!”
Wow, they sure backed down fast. Wait, am I... growling? I can growl?! Okay, I need to find recording equipment STAT! If I don’t sound intimidating when I growl, then I’m going to learn how to make it intimidating!
Though, to be fair, the guard had looked a bit nervous when I started growling, so it had to be at least a bit intimidating. Score one for Jess!
“Thank you! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re late for brunch! Milady?”
Oh, crap, Blueblood is waiting for me come along? Wait, he... Oh that bastard! Either I come along, or I prove his story wrong, and I get in trouble. The Tralk.
I shook my head to resettle those stupid crest things, before walking past the jerk with my head held high. He wants to pretend? I’ll pretend! Then I’ll get back at him when he doesn’t expect it! And then I’ll-
“Would you care to shower first, Milady, or would you prefer to eat first?” Blueblood inquired politely, opening the door to his suite.
Alright, I’ll admit, I was actually really, really impressed! It was so... so... Spartan! I mean, there wasn’t much in the way of furniture, and what I did see was fairly well-used. There were several bookshelves of tomes and scrolls, though there were several rather plush rugs on the floor. Peeking into the bathroom, it was much more extravagant. I saw enough bottles and candles and oils to stock a small spa, a number of very fluffy towels, and other hygiene products.
“I uh, apologize if my room is a bit... plain,” Blueblood spoke up quietly, drawing my attention. “I don’t exactly entertain many guests who care what my room looks like, if you know what I mean.”
That gave me pause. Now, I’m not the type to think things through too deeply, okay? Takes too much time and effort. But... When I heard what Blueblood said, something... I don’t know, clicked?
I know I didn’t know the whole story, but I knew enough. After I get cleaned up, I’m going to whip him into shape! Screw the language barrier! He is obviously not a mustang, but when I’m through with him, he will be masculine enough to stop being such a p-
.o.O.o.
Mmm... so warm... I had a nice, warm blanket, and several soft, fuzzy pillows... Who needs more than... Wait, did my blanket just move?!
My eyes snapped open, though my body remained frozen. I looked around slowly, seeing the yellow horse-
We went over this, Fluffy. They’re ‘miniature horses’... I think. That, or ponies. Take your pick.
Hmm... Let’s go with ponies. These look like what little girls would ask for, right?
Sure, let’s go with that.
So yeah, the yellow one was curled up right next to my chest, apparently using my mane as a blankey, while using one of my forepaws as a pillow. On my other side, curled up next to my stomach, was Sweetie Belle, using my tail as a sleeping bag. (Which, I have to admit, was really freaking cute.) So what was that weight on my... Oh. Scootaloo must be sprawled out on my back. Well, at least she’s soft, and fairly light.
So what was...
“Oh, you’re awake?” I turned to see a purple unisus walking to the door, obviously preparing to leave. “Better not wake them up. Trust me, you don’t want Rarity waking up before she’s had all of her beauty sleep. It’s not pretty...”
I did not need to see her shudder to know she was serious. I already figured she was the kind of... lady that needed her sleep.
Lady? Really? She’s a pony. You’re going to call a-
Yes, because I want to freaking live, okay? They can enter my freaking dreams, okay? I don’t need them figuring out how to read my mind and decide to kill me for being disrespectful or something! So, yes, I’m calling Rarity a lady. You wanna go suicide, fine, go ahead! I won’t miss you that much! If you’re that stupid, then I don’t want you around anyway!
“Anyway, before I go, I’m Twilight Sparkle, but you can call-”
Must not... make... joke... Must... resist...
Brah, just admit it. You’re screwed. There’s no way you’re going to last very long. Just admit defeat! There’s no shame in knowing when you’re beat!
Challenge accepted!
“So... Like vampires at all?”
Pay up!
Totally worth it! I regret nothing!
“... Alright, first thing I’m doing in my spare time is figuring out a translation spell, and slash or teaching you how to read.”
“I know how to read!”
My eyes widened before I slapped my free paw over my mouth, glancing at Sweetie Belle, but luckily, everyone was still asleep. I glanced back to Twilight, who had a thoughtful frown. At least, I hope it was a thoughtful frown...
“You... Okay, wait, yes and no questions. Right,” Twilight said to herself, trying to calm herself. “You don’t want to learn how to read?”
I blinked, not knowing how to answer. If I said yes, then that would be saying I couldn’t read, but if I said no, then she might think I’m a mindless brute! Ugh! This is a bad start to the day...
“Okay... Umm... Do you already know how to read in a language?” Twilight asked slowly, scratching her chin.
I almost answered verbally, but remembered not to speak when Scootaloo snored, choosing to nod instead, before I realized something. Wait a second! Why am I not allowed to speak when Twilight is? That’s not fair!
Life’s not fair, moron! Get the damn memo!
I know life’s not fair, but why can’t it ever be unfair in my favour?!
Because shut up, that’s why!
Hey, that’s not very nice! You shouldn’t be such a meanie-head McMeanie Pants to Fluffy, Brian! You’re supposed to be friends and stuff, being in his head and all! Pinkamena and I don’t fight, right Mena?
... Pink, shut up. I am not your friend. Now get the hell out of his head, you’re going to drive him insane! Besides, I thought we agreed that I was the one who got to drive ponies insane! Promise breaker!
Y-you... You’re a mean, jerk-face, Mena!
… Yep, it’s official. I’m going insane. only Pinkie Pie can travel through time, and get inside my head. Somehow... Whelp, may as well get out the popcorn and enjoy the descent into madness. If you’re going to do something, may as well do it the fun way! Though I better get me some C-4, just in case I start to doubt myself.
“Oh! Well, assuming it’s okay with you, I’m pretty sure we’re going to be moving back to Ponyville in the evening, so we can figure out stuff later. Don’t want to wake them up, after all. Don’t cause any trouble, or you’re going to be sorry, got it?”
I gave a lazy salute with my free paw, settling back down to see if I could get any more sleep. Not like anything crazy would happen if I took a simple nap, right? it’s still early in the morning...
You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now, but, sadly, I am not what you would call a fast learner with some things...
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
“Mmm... So soft,” Sweetie Belle cooed quietly, scooting closer to Fluffy. Despite her tiredness, she blearily opened her eyes, peering around to see if she could keep dozing or not. Having a pet was freaking amazing! No wonder everypony had one!
“Fluffy, you’re the best pet ever,” Sweetie Belle chirped softly, snuggling the dozing Flareon.
Scootaloo snorted, causing her to wake up sluggishly. She yawned widely, blinking owlishly as she tried to stretch, but ended up falling from her precarious perch, rolling over to fall on Applebloom, waking her up as well.
“Ah’m up, ah’m up,” Applebloom mumbled, trying to curl back up. “Don’t eat my pancakes...”
“Pancakes? I like pancakes! Where are they?” Scootaloo asked, swallowing down a yawn.
“Huh? Oh yeah, right. Not on th’ farm,” Applebloom grumbled, stumbling away from Fluffy. “Hey, Sweetie, how about sharing some of that tail?”
“Umm... Guys?” Scootaloo asked, pointing at Kaye. “What’s that? Why does it look like a miniature, pink version of Fluffy?”
Applebloom blinked, before her eyes widened in horror as she glanced at Fluffy and Sweetie Belle. She tried to talk, but instead executed her best fish imitation.
Sweetie Belle popped her head up over Fluffy’s back, staring uncomprehendingly at the pink Eevee. “Umm... Why is there a filly Fluffy there?”
Scootaloo thought for a second, before coming to the same conclusion that Applebloom had, her eyes widening. “N-no way! S-Sweetie Belle, you had a foal!”
“What?!
As Sweetie Belle stared at the sleeping animal, her mind raced, before understanding how Applebloom and Scootaloo came to that conclusion. “N-no way, that’s not possible! Rarity said that two ponies had to be in love! I mean, I love Fluffy, but not like that!”
“Sweetie Belle is a mom,” Applebloom said numbly, her brain trying to process the information.
Scootaloo was also silent, before asking innocently, “So, does this make Applebloom and I aunts? Because if we’re not, I totally call dibs on being its Godmother!”
“B-but I’m too young to be a mother!” Sweetie Belle wailed, starting to hyperventilate. “I can’t take care of a foal! I have school to go to! Rarity doesn’t even have a foal yet! What’s she going to think?! She said it was bad to have a foal if you’re not married! I’m going to be shunned, and then ostracised, and then shunned in the place I’ve been ostracised to, and, and, and I don’t want to be an ostrich!”
“We... We... We have to tell Applejack and Rarity!” Applebloom declared, trying to stay reasonable. “They’ll know what to do!”
“R-right! Rainbow Dash will know what to do!” Scootaloo agreed, rushing off with Applebloom, leaving behind a freaking out Sweetie Belle, and Fluffy, who was only just re-waking.
Applebloom and Scootaloo burst into the next room, their shouts dying on their lips as they saw Applejack and Rarity sleeping next to each other. (1)
“Applejack and Rarity are going to have a foal?!”
“Gah!” Applejack and Rarity both woke up with a start, falling to the ground in a daze.
“Ah-ah’m gonna be an aunt!” Applebloom declared, stunned. “What are aunts even supposed to do?!”
Scootaloo was remaining oddly calm, though that could be due to the fact that she was staring at Rainbow Dash with a thoughtful expression, wondering idly, “So does that mean I could have a foal with Rainbow Dash? That would be awesome!”
As Applebloom fought for her mind’s sanity, Applejack was the first to recover, groaning as she rubbed her back. “What’s this about foals?”
“Sweetie Belle had a filly, and now you and Rarity are going to have a filly, and I don’t know what’s going on!” Applebloom shouted, distressed.
“Sweetie Belle what?!” Rarity exclaimed, her eyes going wide. “That’s impossible! She’s too young! Besides, there aren’t any colts who-”
Rarity froze as her brain caught up to what she was saying. Sadly, it wasn’t entirely awake, and while she would apologize later, that still didn’t stop her brain from jumping to conclusions. “Fluffy! I’m going to end you!” she screeched, her eyes turning red with rage.
“Wait, Rares and ah are gonna have a what now?” Applejack inquired, her mind and body much more used to being awake that early in the morning. “Rares and ah can’t have a foal, Applebloom. That would require a stallion,” she deadpanned, rubbing the bridge of her muzzle. Her eyes, however, widened when she realized what Rarity thought happened, and what she was about to do. “Oh horseapples...”
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Okay, where the heck did everyone go? Applebloom and Scootaloo are gone, and Sweetie Belle is having a breakdown, so what’s-
Oh. A breakdown. Joy. Okay, time to try comfort her... Let’s see, how about we... stroke her mane? Yeah, I got no ideas. Still, better than nothing, right?
“Fluffy!”
I blinked, turning around. Having your name screeched at you is, generally, not a good sign. Seeing a woman’s face contorted in rage is obviously not a good thing. Having the stone floor crack as she stomps forward is, in general consensus, most decidedly not a good thing.
Now, normally, most males would agree upon one of several courses of action should such a situation arise. First option, is lie like a rug. You aren’t just a rug. You are the rug. Option two: don’t do or say anything that could possibly escalate and slash or make the situation worse than it currently is. Some men, including myself, call option two ‘Manikin Man’. Option number three is to run for your sad, pitiful excuse of a life, and pray like mad that she trips on something in the chase, and slash or that someone else attracts her ire before she catches you. Should any or all of the first three options fail, there’s always the fourth and fifth options, but they are almost always deadly. The fourth because it throws caution to the wind, suggesting you say anything and everything you want to about what you dislike about the woman, in the hopes that she gets so mad, she doesn’t know what to do with or to you, in which case you have a chance to either suggest a punishment than sounds horrible, but isn’t really, or gives you a second chance to run for your life. Option five is, some would argue, the coward’s way out, in that you kill yourself.
I, however, did none of those things, as I didn’t even know what it was that I had done wrong! How can I apologize for something I know nothing about, after all? So, stupidly, I opened my mouth, forgetting that she can’t even understand me.
“Y-yes?”
Now, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I don’t really remember a lot of what happened after that. Being in excruciating pain kinda does that to your other senses. From what others told me, here’s the long story short. Rarity used her magic on me to levitate me, and the minor pain caused me to struggle a little, because it hurt. F(buy some apples!) you, psychic moves! You suck!
So because I started struggling, Rarity started levitating other things she could find to hit me, growing irate. Something about fillies and taking and stuff. Hell if I understood what she was talking about!
So the more I fought against the pain, the more it hurt, I guess because she kept strengthening her hold, so it hurt more, so I had to try not to struggle even more against the pain, and cue the vicious cycle.
Rarity stopped, if momentarily, when Kaye, waking up in the middle of all the loud chaos, saw Rarity holding me and decided to, in her youthful wisdom, bite Rarity on the leg. While that disrupted her magic, it still left me upside down, falling onto the hard stone floor.
Now, the first thing I noticed, now that I had full range of motion again, was that the pain I felt, and was still feeling, well... different. I mean, you know how when you sprain your ankle, it hurt to walk? Sometimes you can’t walk at all? The pain was... different. Sorry, I just don’t know how to describe it. I mean, I could feel it; it was there, but I could kind of ignore it. Like, I could tell that I had hurt my leg in that fall, but I could still run at top speed without injuring it further. My only guess then, and even much later, was that it was just part of Pokemon magic. I mean, how could you send out a Pokemon to do battle with only one hit point left, and it didn’t suffer any stat decreases? I guess the pain is more mental than physical, or something.
Anyway, so I hurt, but I was able to stand up no problem. Sure, I was covered in dust and sweat. Sure, I guess I probably looked exhausted, but in all actuality, I wasn’t hurt that bad. Either that, or I was in denial. Quick, someone get me some floaties, cause I don’t know how to swim!
So, after all that, Applejack was able to calm everything down by explaining what happened. Now, I don’t know what everyone else did when they heard the news, because I was learning how to dull the pain in my head. Once I heard the explanation, however, I collapsed on the ground, wheezing in laughter. They thought that Sweetie Belle and I had... I mean, I guess I should be thankful that they are that innocent, but that... That was just freaking priceless! I’m almost not scared of Rarity any more!
I mean, okay, I was freaked out while she was yelling at me and hitting me and whatnot. I thought for, if only a second, that she was actually going to kill me! But now that I knew what happened, I could at least try to forget what she did, because she was just... yeah. Still, I uh, am never getting on her bad side ever, ever again, if I can help it. At least with Applejack I would have a chance to dodge!
So then I got uncomfortably swarmed by everypony, who were worried about me. I guess my laughing sounded painful to them or something. Heck if I know! Anyway, when they pulled away, however, Kaye had managed to climb onto my back, and was quite happily snuggling me, though I could hear her growling at Rarity whenever she tried to come closer. Dang, I had forgotten just how vicious little kids can be when they want to.
Sweetie Belle growled right back at Kaye, butting heads with her as she squeaked, “Hey, Fluffy is my pet! Go find your own!”
“Nu! He, he bees my Fluffy!” Kaye growled back, though it sounded kinda... you know, cute? I mean, come on. She can’t be more than six or seven, so her growl is about as intimidating as a baby bunny rabbit. “You can’t has him!”
“Kaye, I’m three or four times as old as you are,” I deadpanned, glancing behind me. “You can’t own me in any sense of the word.”
Kaye’s ears folded back as she wilted on my back. “B-but, but I... I...” She sniffed, then started to cry, holding onto my back tightly as she whimpered. “I don’t wanna be alone anymore...”
I saw Sweetie Belle shuffle a little nervously, but she kept her serious look, at least for the most part. However, everyone, aside from Sweetie Belle and Kaye, turned when they heard and saw Princess Luna enter the room, followed by a white Umbreon with sky-blue rings. The second she saw Kaye on my back, crying, her wings flared as she demanded, “What hast thou done to upset Kaye? Who hurt her?!”
I sighed, then gestured to get Luna’s attention. It’s pantomiming time! I gestured to Kaye, then to my head, then to her again, then made a grabbing motion with my forepaws, followed by pointing to myself.
“Umm... She hit her head when she tried to give thou a hug?” Luna guessed, tilting her head.
“Of course not, silly filly!” Pinkie Pie chirped, popping her head around the doorframe of the next room. “It means that little Kaye wants to own Fluffy as her pet, because she’s been really, really lonely, and Fluffy was one of the first people to be nice to her, so she’s really attached to him now, cause she doesn’t want to be alone anymore and stuff.”
Everyone blinked and stared at Pinkie Pie, who just blinked right back. “What? It was totally obvious! Look at how clingy she is! She’s scared and lonely, and she trusts Fluffy. It’s simple psychology!”
Kaye sniffed, then looked up slowly, watching the Umbreon warily, who had padded closer, his head tilted to the side in curiosity. “So you guys got turned into animals too? I was afraid I was all alone... My name’s Moonstone. What’s yours, little one?”
Kaye sniffed softly, then sullenly answered, “I’m Kaye... Whai is you all white, Mista Moony? You’s, you’s is supposed ta bees black!”
“I am?” Moonstone blinked, looking at himself. “Oh... Sorry... I’ve always been white... I-is that going to be a problem?”
Kaye sniffed, watching Moonstone with watery eyes, before starting to giggle at how ashamed he looked. “You, you is some sort of a weirdo, mista Moony... I likes you. Will you be my friend?”
No way... Was I really going to get lucky an-
Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Fluffy! You’re going to jinx it!
... Yessir...
Moonstone blinked several times, before shuffling nervously. “I... I don’t know... You really want me to be? I’ve been told I’m bad luck...”
Kaye frowned in thought for a moment, before nodding, jumping from my back to this ‘Moonstone’, hugging his back. Moonstone looked shocked, staggering a bit, before looking at her, a puzzled look on his face. Kaye just snuggled into his coat, before giving him an innocent kiss on the cheek, giggling when his face turned red.
Everyone else just stared at the two Pokemon, trying to figure out what all had been said. When my stomach growled, I realised that it had been over twenty-four hours since I last ate... Now, if I hadn’t said it before... I’m fat, okay? I like my food! I did my best to whimper, whine, whatever you call it, and I guess it worked, because I was suddenly being hugged by the three fillies, who then, I’m guessing, used puppy eyes on the other adults, because they all shifted uncomfortably at the same time, before Princess Luna said, “Come, We shall break our fast in the dining room!”
Starting to lead the way, I quickly bounded forward, not noticing that Sweetie Belle had chosen to use me as a moving chair. She was heavy, but luckily, and perhaps partially due to how much larger I was as a human, but I was able to carry the filly, if only barely. Besides, I wasn’t going to complain. I was getting food! Who cares about a little bit of extra exercise when there’s food afterwards?
(1) In reality, they were several hoof-lengths away from each other, but to fillies, sleeping in the same bed counts as sleeping ‘together’.