//------------------------------//
// Transssition and a Zebra 
// Story: A Marty Stu invades the Multiverse (Chess Game of the Gods) 
// by Keairan 
//------------------------------//

	As I flew above the sun-baked plain, drowsy and slightly irritated, I reflected on the past week. Celestia at least was very unhappy about my intention of attuning a foreign god to her world. Very unhappy. At least she didn't try and arrest me, and did like the fact that I'm capable of destroying those two if they turn on us. Her cutting me off from the Canterlot archives is going to hurt, though. This was only part of the source of my irritation. Later in the week, I had a dream about my Terra that kept me sleeping in the world of dreams, which didn't translate to actual sleep. I actually snapped at Violet!





"Marty?" She asked. "Could you pick up some paper supplies on your way home from the forge today?"

"Damnit woman! Do I look like I'm just for doing your silly errands?" I said in an irritated voice. I looked at the shocked and hurt expression on her face, and mentally punched myself in the face. I calmed down. "I'm sorry, I've not been sleeping well lately. You didn't deserve that. I'll do it on my way home, no problem." And grab both some orchids and some lillies. Something to eat, and something pretty to watch.

Violet replied "It's alright. I know you've not been sleeping well since the morning you woke up crying. Which reminds me. I think I've seen you cry more since I've known you than my brother who I've known my entire life."

"And?" I asked calmly. 

"And nothing. Just making an observation." She just looked at me with a cute smile and stated. "Maybe you're a bit of a wimp, or maybe you've just decided to be honest."

"I decided to be honest, and I learned some time ago that tears are actually healthy. If nothing else they help clear the sinus cavities." Violet and I started to laugh, all trace of my earlier irritation completely gone.





The badlands below me slowly changed type from scrub to desert, and a square dot appeared on the horizon. As time passed, the dot got bigger and bigger, details such as buildings and airships emerging from the haze of distance. As I grew closer, one airship in particular grabbed my attention. Is that Ivan's airship I see there?

As I grew closer to the city, I spotted a perfect landing spot, not too close, but not too far away. I dove down, enjoying the feel of wind in my face. About ten meters from the ground, I splayed my constructed wings back, the not-so-subtle jerk pulling me back as I slowly came to the ground. I dismissed the constructs, and began to slither into the city.

Alright, They said that the artifact was outside of Las Pegasus, but no further details. How should I go about this? Find a city historian? Look through the city archives? Enslave the city and force them to dig for the artifact? I lightly chuckled, and pinched the bridge of my nose. That last one is a definite option... if I suddenly went completely and utterly bonkers. 

As I had been musing, I came into the center of the city. I'm a ta'veren working for the personification of luck. Mat was luck incarnate. Maybe if I use his direction trick I'll get something. With that thought, I began to spin around, eyes closed, prepared to go in the direction I stopped. Finishing my spin, I saw that I was pointed towards Ivan's ship. No idea if my subconscious decided to do that, or if the whole ta'veren thing actually worked for me for once. I stalked off towards the ship, unsure of what I'd find. 

As I walked, I noted the myriad ways the sapients around me reacted to my presence: fear, apathy, and even a couple of smiles. All in all, I preferred the apathy.

As I got under the inflated airship, I shouted up "Hello up there, anybody home?"

Ivan's female gryphon pilot looked over the side, and looked at me with a little annoyance. "You." She stated gruffly.

"Me?" I fired back, slightly miffed at her rudeness.

“Yes you.” She glared down at me. “What do you want now?” I felt her eyes trailing all over my body, weighing me, and seemingly searching for something. A weapon besides my sword, perhaps?

“Universal peace, a friendly face, and some money in my pocket.” I replied with my most rakish smile “Failing that, maybe some information.” That was kinda smarmy, you dolt. I chided myself mentally.

She closed her eyes for a second, then opened them again, almost like she wanted to pinch the bridge of her beak. “And what would such a fucking nice guy like yourself possibly want with me?” She half snarled, half said politely.

“If I wanted to rhyme, I’d say coffee or tea. But that’s just being silly. No, I thought I might come here and get a little help looking into an investigation of mine, and in return help you and your seeming leader.” I said evenly. I don't know what her problem is, but I don't want to make it worse.

She looked about like she was going to explode for a moment “You can take your investigation and whatever help you were planning and get the fuck away from me. YOU-” She paused, a slight hesitation as if she was suddenly nervous. “You. Scram.” She looked away.

“Ooookay. I obviously caught you at a bad time. Can I talk to anyone else in your group, Ivan perhaps?” I replied back. I have no idea why she's mad. Bad time of the month perhaps? Spat with the rest of the crew? Lover's quarrel?

She looked everywhere but at me for a moment, then looked down and stated “Sick. All of them. Sick.” Something was slightly off about her statement, but I wasn't sure what. “I’m immune because different species and Boss is having fun elsewhere.” If my eyes didn't deceive me, she bit her tongue before continuing her statement. “Gambling, I would say.”

“I’m fairly good at healing, and if the stress of taking care of two zebras is getting to you that badly, maybe I should take over.” I offered politely. “I know taking care of others is hardly fun, especially when they’re sick.” 

She let out a low growl, almost like she wanted to attack me. “You...” She stopped. “I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. LEAVE.” She snarled the last word, and if her looks could kill, I would be dead. “Got it? None of need your help. And if you see Ivan, tell him that I don’t fucking care if he decides to be a fucking hero. GOT IT?” She stretched out her wings in preparation to take off, with a slight wince of regret passing over her features.

I began to talk very quietly. “So you’re telling me that Ivan decided to go off and be a hero? Oi." I started to massage my forehead. “Doesn’t he know that’s a good way to end up dead?” I looked up at Catastrophe, who cringed. “Thank you Catastrophe. I’ll be on my way. Good seeing you again.” I stated much louder before starting slither off. 

As I began to move on, I heard a slight rustling above me. A rustle that sounded like a set of large wings with metal parts. She figures that I'm going to find Ivan for her, and she might be right. That he's missing after all of this seems to be more than coincidence I began to spin around again, and then set off towards the northwest.

I heard her spit as she gently landed next to me. "On second thought... Can we make a deal?" She sounded extremely reluctant.

I put on a smile, and turned towards her. "Oh, and what type of deal would that be, Miss Catastrophe?"

“If you call me mishap I will punch you in the face, weird ass powers bedamned.” She snarled, then went calm. “The kind where we both benefit in some way.”

“I will keep that in mind. Anyways, go on, I’m listening.”

“If you help me find Ivan, maybe beat a little sense in his screwy little head, maybe I’ll help you with your little ‘quest’ or investigation or whatever.” She stopped, her eyes widening. “... He’s got me doing it.”

“I don’t know about beating some sense into his head, but I’ll help you find him. And as for the help investigating, any help at all would be much appreciated.” I raised my dermal ridge at the second part of her statement, but kept my peace.

She shrugged, then easily walked over to my other side at a nonchalant gait that seemed to be hiding something. Prosthetic acting up?. “He had a bit of a breakdown, I think.” She added, looking around.

“Considering what he said during our private conversation, I’m only surprised that this seems to be the first time he’s done this.” I looked down at the dirt. “I should know, I’ve done it before, myself.”

“He said, and I quote. I intend to do away with myself far away from any of you so that you may live long lives without the hands of fate intervening.” She shook the wing with the prosthetic, generating a rustling sound. “I’m not worried about him trying to off himself.” She looked away and mumbled. “That much.” She resumed her normal tone. “He didn’t take his meds.”

“That’s... problematic.” I said, in the an underwhelming way. “What type of medication was he on?”

She pulled out a pill bottle and shook it again. “No idea. Antipsychotics. I swiped a few spare bottles from a guy I know.” She smiled lightly. “So... you can fix ‘im, right?”

“Maybe, but when it comes to ‘healing’ someone’s mind, they have to be willing for it to work even slightly, and it’s extremely difficult even when they are willing.” Probably not the right thing to tell her, but damn it, I'm not going to give someone false hope.

Her disappointment was palpable. Poor girl. Maybe I should have given her some false hope.. “And the god spider doesn’t help. Or the griffon. Or whatever else is in there.” She rolled her eyes. “Fuck.” Sounds about right

“Yeah, it sounds like at best I would be able to seal off his mind from outside influence, and I’d have to literally sleep next to him forever after to keep that up. There’s no guarantee that even that would work.” And he'd probably run again at the first chance.

She blurted out “No way in hell are You sleeping next to him.” She hissed for a brief second before calming herself. “Damn it. Fuck it.” She closes her eyes. “You are like a wall. And a teacher. AT THE SAME TIME.”

“Funny that, I actually have my teaching degree. Physics and math.” I smiled wickedly. “And I can create an invisible wall if I so desire.” Trolololol. Eduard Khil sends his regards.

“If I wasn’t sure that you were secretly some kinda demon thing designed to make me angry, I would seriously kill you and drag your body into an alley, maybe make you into little strips of jerky.” She muttered. “So... any ideas how to track him?”

“Sorry about that, my inherent ability to be an asshole decided to act up.”  I blinked, then finished my thought. “Okay, this is going to sound extremely stupid to you, but I have a random hunch that he’s to the northwest of us. That silly spin you saw back there? The first time I did that it sent me to you, and now it’s sending me northwest.”

She sighed. “Honestly, if I have to deal with you, maybe it isn’t worth it...” She whispered under her breath so that I barely caught it. “Not like I really care what happens to him, no.” She straightened up, taking a more rigid stance in her movements. “SO. Go on, magic snake thing. Show me whatever fuckery you have to so I can find him and lock him in his room until he calms down.” She looked to the sky in a classic, ‘Why me’ gesture.

“Let’s get out of town first, I don’t want to rile up the local yokels too much.” I need to knock off the dickery. She’s obviously under a lot of stress about her feelings over Ivan, and him being gone, and I’m not helping. I started again, heading to the northwest portion of the town.

“And now you’ll get to see how I got here.” I began to survey the ground, learning the location for my elevated gateway.

She blinked and waited a moment. “I suppose a flying castle or something or a demon or a -” She gnashed her beak together, light grinding noise echoing from it. “JUST GET ON WITH IT.”

“And now, the magic.” my voice went completely emotionless, startling Catastrophe just a tad. I channeled a vertical slice in the air, that widened out significantly into a glowing rectangular hole in space. I then created my two wings on my shoulders.“Fly through the gateway, I’ll follow.”

“Where does it go, does it steal my soul, how long does it take, does this cause permanent damage in anyway to me or beings I know?” She babbled out.

“Look up, it makes an artificial cliff. It doesn’t steal souls, and it’s instantaneous. The only way it will cause permanent damage is if you fall, now fly through, please.” I coldly emphasized the last four words.

She turned away. “Fuck you. I’ll search for him myself. This REEKS of a fucking trap and I’m not going to fall for it.” She turned back to look at me, her eyes wide. “In fact. How the hell do I know that you didn’t take him?” She backed away slowly. “It fits. You were in town at the time. Came RIGHT to the airship. Lured away the only person guarding it, probably took an opportunity to signal your little friends to take over.” She continues to back away.

“Child. If I wanted to cause you harm, I would have done so already. This dustbowl of a town only still exists because I have no desire to hurt them at all. But if you are so distrustful of me, I will go on by myself. I will not tell your companion of your apparent lack of bravery. Do not try and follow me through the gateway, as I will close it immediately after I fly through. It will cut you in half.” With that, I slithered as fast as I could past the gateway, forming and reforming my wings as I went.

“Stop.” She sighed. “I’ll go.” She was lightly shaking. “I hate you so much. But... take me with you.” She flapped her wings and took off. “Just fly through?”

“Do it quickly, I have to be close to  keep it open. It’s hard to control your position while hang gliding.” I yelled back through.

She was trembling as she came through the gateway, and called to me. “I hate you.”

I let the gateway close behind her, and began to glide away. “Be that as it may, it’s the only way for me to get off the ground, and it saves you energy in getting altitude. Now follow me and watch. Your eyes are most likely better than mine.”

I had my back to her as she said “Oh hey, fate says fuck you.” She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Probably better vision, along with a sense of humor and general looks. Where are we?”

“The sky just outside of Los Pegasus. I only made the gateway to go up. If I had been trying to make one to go anywhere else, we would’ve been waiting for forty minutes or more instead of two.” I could finally talk with emotions again as I let go of the source.

“What now? We wait until we hear the screams, or we wait until the giant monster shows up, or what?” She sighed, tucking her wings in to dive a bit before rising back up to my level. “You know, he could’ve gotten his fur dyed. I never thought of that.”

“Anything can go wrong, but we search. As for a giant monster, well, you’ll learn why I call myself Marty Stu if we need to deal with one.” I continued to scour the ground, looking for something useful.

I could only assume she was watching the ground below me. “This is kinda pointless.” She noted. “How does this help me anymore than if I did this without you? In fact, I would’ve made more progress if I HADN’T MET YOU.” Most people don't try and antagonize the guy who's trying to help them. Obviously, Catastrophe here isn't most people.

“Perhaps, but at least this way you have a direction, a companion, and a quick means of escape.” I closed my mouth, then relaxed in the breeze as I watched the ground roll past.

She growled quietly. “Can you please get angry or something? Give me something to do BESIDES BROOD IN MY FAILURE?” She screeched loudly, closing her eyes. “I wanted you to find him, not be there when I did.”

“Your failure? What failure? I’m fairly certain you’re the one who didn’t leave their friends behind.. without.. telling... them.” I facepalmed. “I don’t think you left a message as to where you went, did you?”

“Yeah? Fuck them. They can look up if they want to see me.” She noted, shaking her head. “Look, I...” She shook her head again, fairly certain that she was going to make herself dizzy. “I owe him my life. AGAIN. I’m not the sort that takes that lightly.” She rationalized, throwing her gaze back to the ground.

“Life debts are fun in that sort of way. I don’t take mine lightly either. I owe six mares my life and my sanity, and I still watch out for them when I can.”  I cracks my neck, then continued. “But that’s neither here nor there.”

“You sound like an old bastard, about to moan about how unsatisfying life is and how I should enjoy it while I’m young.” She groaned.  “Can you add something that would actually help me to the conversation?”

“Nothing that wouldn’t sound trite. And I think both of us have heard enough hollow platitudes.” Old bastard, that sounds about right, except my parents were married. To each other even.

She sighed. “So... Soul bonds. What do you know about that sort of thing?” Her voice was softer, less harsh.

“Depends on what you mean by a soul bond. My equipment has small pieces of my soul in it, and it’s bound to me that way, but I get the feeling that’s not what you mean.”

“Apparent-” She paused and swooped down low unexpectedly, diving at a fast speed.

“What are you doing?” I scaned everywhere, looking for what spooked her.

She rose back up quickly, her face torn in anger. “Fucking zebras.” She snarled, looking half rabid and gleeful in the fact she did. “Why the hell do they all look the same?”

“To confuse predators.” I said without thinking.

Her glare once again should have killed me. “Does your stupidity ever end? Damn. I thoug-” She shook her head. “Think happy thoughts, keep concentrated.” She looked down once more, scanning the crowd.

Very quietly, I replied “No. I wish it would.” I looked over at Catastrophe. “Surely he’s outside the city by now.”

“Can’t you use some kinda magic thing to track him? You can tear gaping holes in time in space but you can’t find a zebra?” She must think that shaming me will produce results or something. Too bad for her.

“If I thought I was going to need to find him, I would’ve woven something over him earlier, or given him a good luck charm made out of metal or something. I’m powerful, but useless for some things. This is is one of those things.”

“So... useless. Just what I thought.” She huffed again, turning away, her face twisted in worry. “Damn it all.”

“Could be worse, I could be a groundpounder, but have the only hope of finding him in time, rather than flying and have an idea of what direction he is.” I said nonchalantly.

She looked blankly at me. “I hate you. Just. So much fucking hate. If I had magic I’d cast whatever and you’d die.”

“I’m sorry I’m not better company, but I figured you’d prefer me acting like this than my other alternative of brooding, angst-ridden depressed idiot.” I sighed. “And I don’t want to inflict that on anyone.”

She looked around. “Would you be more helpful?” She began to fly further ahead.

“Probably not, plus I’d probably make you either more angry, or more angsty yourself.” I shut up, grabbed the source, and channeled a small gust of wind to lift up the wings of my hang glider. I ascended about a hundred meters higher in the air.

“Look, I think we should make slow spiral around, looking for him. Maybe see if you can taste his insanity or something.” She groaned. “I need to find him.”

“Doubtful I’ll be able to do that, but I’ve heard worse ideas.” I began to soar in a circle with my eyes closed, until I felt the urge to straighten out. “This way.” I stated

She followed noislessly. “Say. How good is your fighting?”

“Depends on what I’m using and if I’m allowed to channel or not. Why do you ask?” I looked back at her, slightly puzzled.

“It’s Ivan. After a while, you stop questioning if you’ll have to fight something. You just assume you’ll be fighting something and leave it at that.” She shrugged, then corrected her flight pattern to stay level with me.

“That sounds like me in a lot of ways. It’s not an if so much as a when for fighting something around me. Though a long time can and has passed between such shenanigans.” I paused for a moment before continuing. “Assuming I’m not taken out immediately by an ambush, I should be able to handle most problems.”

“How well will you do with fighting someone without killing them?” She asked,  almost like she was foreshadowing something. “It fits the next cliche.”

“Assuming I don’t have to do that to something like ten people at once, I can just bind them up in flows of air.” I smiled evilly. “That also makes for great practical jokes.”

“If you touch me I will kill you. There is nothing on this planet that will stop me.” She threatened in return.

“I kid, I kid. I wouldn’t do anything like that to someone I didn’t consider a friend, and was sure they considered me one as well.” I shook my head. “But yeah, I have some really funny practical jokes I can pull.”

She nodded like she actually cared. “Yeah yeah. I’ll invite you to entertain for my kids. Bobo the clown.”

“You would use someone who looks like me to entertain children? That drops you from the potential babysitter list.” I grinned at her wryly.

She glared and sputtered. “Do yo- What i- Wh- I HATE YOU.” She screamed.

She is so much fun to tease. I’m such a dick for doing it right now. I didn't respond to that, but started another loop, then released off on another course correction.

She let out a strangled scream of frustration. “Dick.” She finally said.

After that, we flew in the deafening silence of only our thoughts.

She cleared her throat. “How the fuck did he get this far? It’s only been a day.”

“Blind panic? Galloped till he passed out from exhaustion? We’re searching the wrong area? It could be any number of things. I don’t know.” I noted the position of the sun, which was starting to set. “Catastrophe, help me find water.”

She sighed. “Can’t you cast waterfall or something?” She descended closer to the ground. “I still hate you by the way.”

“It doesn’t work like that. I can’t create something out of nothing, and for finding material, I can only find metal. Which makes it really easy for me to get the raw materials for my job, but makes finding actually useful things difficult. Now then, let’s find water so we can set up camp.”

She nodded. “Mind that you keep your guard up.” She mumbled, turning away. Will do, lass. “I just might slit your little throat and watch the blood run down your scales.” She flew up higher. “Water.”

“As in you found some, or as in you want some?” I channeled another flow of air to ascend with.

She pointed down. “There’s a stream, dumbass. I can hear it from here.”

“Thank you.” I began to circle, descending towards a flat bit of stream. As I got closer, I shifted my wings back, acting like an air brake. I finally landed, with only a little abrasion of the scales of my belly. I quickly unwove the wing constructs, and then begins to circle about the area that seemed best for our camp, setting up the perimeter ward all the while.

“So, not that I really care, but for the sake of you actually telling me something vaguly important, What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing.” She dove from the sky and landed gracefully, her wings puffing out at the last second and slowing her down dramatically.

I turned to watch her land. “I give that landing a nine out of ten, ten being perfect.” I turns back to my warding. “As for what I’m doing, I’m warding the perimeter of the camp. I don’t exactly like the idea of waking up in someone else’s stomach, in chains, or robbed.”

She blinked. “They better explode. Can you make them explode?” She looked down. “Nononon. You should make them bleed out from their pores.” She smiled sickeningly, licking her beak. “Or or...” She thankfully trailed off, looking off into the distance.

“While I can do that... A ward that makes an alarm is a better idea. If I did what you’re asking, we’d have everything from snakes to dragons dying if they even brushed the edge of the ward, and I do not want the death of some traveler or kid on my conscience.” I finished up the circle, then moved back to the center.

“Yeesh, what are you, some kinda good guy? Who cares about a kid? Or some traveler. It would be their own damn fault for trying to sneak up on us.” She sighed. “Hey, you getting hungry, I’ll go hunt.”

I decided to ignore her callousness, and replied. “Yes I am, but you don’t have to go hunting if you don’t want to, I have more than enough food for the both of us.”

She blinked. “Ever kill a dog or something? Oh, you probably have some sort of deep dark inner hatred for slavers. Or some other random things to do with children?” She sighed. “And don’t bull shit me about the food. I’ll go hunt, you survive on whatever things you brought.” She turned away.

I called out to her. “Hold off for a moment. You won’t want to miss this.” I reached into my pack and pulled out my horn of plenty.

“Ewe’ve got to be kidding me.” I smiled at the pun. She turned back around. “Have fun with your... horn.”

I raised the horn to my lips, yelled out "behold!" then blew into the horn. A table appeared before me, then two chairs perfectly set up for the two of us. My side was piled high with meats in various states and sauces, while Catastrophe’s side was piled high with meat, fruits, and vegetables.

She stopped cold. She sputtered for something to say for a long moment and then relaxed, almost melting into the chair. “So. Wards. They work?” She said, looking far more relaxed than earlier.

“Yes. And to your earlier question, I don’t have an inner hatred for slavers, it’s entirely visible for the brief seconds I’m around them. As for children, I’m a parent. You don’t want someone else to hurt your kids, so you don’t potentially hurt theirs.” I settled into my chair, then tucked into my food.

She nodded. “So. Any chance that you could make alarm wards last forever?”

“Sure, but if I’m only going to be staying in place for one evening, and plan on crossing them myself eventually, why do so?”

“Could you say, key them to a certain location? Like, make it tell whoever is inside of the ward when someone crosses it?”

“I see what you’re getting at, but at best I could make it tell me what type of creature crossed the ward. Which, trust me, can be very useful. Knowing whether it’s a small critter or a monster is knowledge you definitely want.”

She holds out a talon without looking at him, her face a perfect picture of distaste. “Tents.”

“I only brought mine with me.” I looked about for a moment, then back at her. “I’ll let you use it for the evening.”

She shot me another one of her patented death glares. “Like hell. I’ll sleep outside of the tent, I’m not going to find myself in your ‘debt’ or whatever you could use as an excuse to see me again after this.”

“Suit yourself. I was only being the gentleman, err, snake.” I resumed eating.

“So. Human, right?” She asked curiously, slightly smirking.

“I think that word still applies to me. Why do you ask?” I looked at her, curious.

“No reason. None at all.” She kept on smirking, like the cat that had at the canary. “You can’t read minds, right?”

“No, but I could force you to tell me. And if we’re talking about humans, yes, I do know that Ivan is one. He told me himself.” I shrugged

She smiled even wider. “Oh? But you wouldn’t force me to tell you. That would go against your... ‘morals’. I figured Ivan told you.” She stretched out, cracking her back, relieving the tension bound up in there.

“Less morals so much as I’m terrified of what someone else would use my abilities for if they controlled my mind, so I refrain to avoid karmic retribution. There are of course exceptions that I will use the full power of my compulsion on others.” And I pray to whatever god is listening that those times are rare and far between.

She shrugged. “Whatever. I just know stuff you don’t and that makes me happy.” She blinked. “Wow. That kinda sounds petty, but you are a bastard so I don’t care.”

“Eh, everybody knows something someone else doesn’t. I’d rather not know everyone else’s secrets.” Life is boring when you know everything, from everything I can tell.

She sighed. “Damn it. You are both the most infuriating and the most boring person I have ever met. Geez, at least give me a hint of what to say to piss you off? Give me a little something to work with? It’s not like you are going to start a conversation I can relate to easily, and fuck it if you expect me to start something about what I think.” She looked at him. “Also, you creep me out.”

“I could give you something to annoy me with, I could even give you something that would likely anger me. I don’t want to kill you, so I’m not going to give you something that pisses me off.” Marty cocked his head to the side. “Boring is good, boring is in fact really nice. I’ve had way too much excitement in my life. And no, I’m not talking about rescuing a runaway zebra.” I sighed “I really hope you never see what I consider excitement.”

She winced. “Probably involves trying to be in multiple places at once trying to fix things and then something exploding.” She thought back to a few airship disasters and almost felt bad. “At any rate, what should I avoid? Not mention I eat animals or something else?”

I started to laugh. “Have you noticed what I’m eating? Bloody and cooked meat? Catastrophe, I’m a freaking carnivore, and I’ve hunted and butchered my own meat before.” I laughed some more. “So no, it’s not eating animals.”

“So? Just because you are a carnivore now doesn’t mean that you weren’t a vegetarian before. It would just be delicious irony if the sight of blood shed turned your stomach and you were a carnivore. And fate is a fucking bitch.” Her talons dug into the earth. “Fuck you, by the way.”

“I’ve only been a vegetarian when it was forced upon me. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy a nice salad every now and again, or a good piece of broccoli, but I prefer to be omnivorous.” I smiled and continued talking. “Fate is the largest bitch ever. What I wouldn’t do to find that cunt and gut her.” I continued to smile at her. “No thanks, but thank you for the offer anyways.”

She stopped moving for a long second. “You know, I’ve always wondered what snake tasted like. Do you think poison would spoil the flavor?” She spoke in a straight voice, though it seemed laced with death. She let out a tiny warning tell on purpose to inform him that pushing it further would probably end badly.

“Chicken. Snake tastes real similar to chicken. And you have to be careful to avoid the glands, but other than that no worries about the poison.” I just keep on smiling at this gryphoness who seemed to be wanting to kill me more and more.

She smiled back just as sweetly, maybe sickly sweet. “Not the kind of poison I had in mind.” She smirked and turns away. “You value friends, right?”

I nodded my head. “My memories of my friends, lovers, and children are the only things I get to keep. So value is a rather weak word for them.”

“Hmph. Found a weakness.” She mused, but shook her head. “Not going to push that one, family is something people shouldn’t joke about.” She shrugged. “Was fairly easy to get that from you though. Are you normally that easy to get information from?” 

“Depends on the information, and how much I care about keeping it a secret. Most normal, rational beings value friends and family. I like to think that I’m rational.” I gave her a slightly confused look.

“Rational. Tell me, do you know enough to keep your fucking mouth shut for a change about something?” She looked away and curled up against the ground, her wings falling to her side.

“Good night, Catastrophe.” I was starting to feel the time I had spent awake, and was hoping for a dream that didn't put me out of commission.

“One thing. Do you think it will work out?” She looked a little surprised at her own question. “You know what I’m talking about, right?” She let out a frustrated growl. “All I need is a yes or a no.”

“Yes Catastrophe. Everything will work out.” The expression of hope that bloomed across her face was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in some time. Too bad she didn't specify how she wanted things to work out. All things work out, after all.

“You sound like a teacher. Good night, you fucking dick snake.”

I laughed at her statement, then went to my tent, warding it before I entered it.





Above us, the lights of a million stars and a partial moon lit up the night sky like the most wonderful painting ever. That is what I woke up to, my throat raw, tears streaming down my face, and the distorted memory my dream forced upon me of my daughter Meliel. I woke up to the klaxon of my ward being tripped. I saw my temporary companion looking in from the flap of the tent. "Who?! What?! Where?!" I yelled out as I awakened instantly.

Catastrophe threw a dead rabbit at me. “Why the fuck are you crying?” She asked cruely.

I tried to calm down as best I could, and said the first excuse that came to mind. “Onions. I was cutting onions.”

She let out a huff and leveled yet another death glare. “Tell me, you idiot. If there is something around that can make you cry, I think I should know before it EATS me.” She yawned.

I sighed. “A horrible dream, and a horrible memory. That’s why I was crying.” I yawned back at her.

She blinked. “So... are you going to eat that rabbit? I’m still hungry and I was hoping that it would wake you up.”

I looked down at the bloody rabbit on top of my blanket and stared at it. I looked at it, and then up at her, then back at it, then started to laugh. I picked up the rabbit, and tossed it back to her, laughing all the while.

“Don’t you dare get hysterical or I will see how well you can laugh with a few holes in your throat.” She gently caught the rabbit.

My laughter finally died off, but not without a few more tears “I can breathe just fine, I’d rather you not give me a tracheotomy.”

“To be honest, I’d rather stick my talons in a fire and get another replacement then help you, you weird ass snake.” She turned away. “Try not to wet yourself.”

I looked down at my cloaca, and saw nothing. “I don’t think that will be a problem.” I gave her a faint smile, then tried to get back to sleep.

She looked down at the rabbit and sneered, her desire for the rabbit must have gone away. She tossed it onto what was left of the fire.“I hate you.”

I whispered back “I do not hate you, my friend.”

“Fuck you. And not literally, before you crack anything else.”

I smiled at her statement and that she still heard me. “Sleep well, and I hope your dreams are better than mine.”

With that, she threw her wings over her head to blot out his voice, amusing herself with imagining the several ways he could die the next day.

The rest of the night passed quietly, with no more confrontations between the two.





I woke up, groggy as usual. I noted that Catastrophe was still asleep, and decided to let her remain abed.  I grabbed my kettle from my pack, filled it with some stream water, and channeled some fire weaves in it to start it heating up to boil.

Catastrophe groaned heatedly, like she was having one of 'those' dreams. Her face looked slightly flushed, and then she let out a low purr. Glad one of us if having pleasant dreams. I thought idly.

I created a reservoir of unaffected water, and then set my chai mix into my water to steep.

She slowly stired awake, her blush not quite fading. “Oh great. You somehow fit a kettle in your pack.” She mumbled, not quite awake.

“Why not? It’s not like I need to carry that much in there. Anyways, do you like tea? If so, how do you like it?”

“Bloody.” She mumbled, then shook herself awake. “Why th- Not going to ask. Just. I. Er.” She groaned. “I hate you.”

“So you’ve said. So you want me to steep blood in boiling water. That’s going to smell awkward.” I began to look for something to use for the blood, cringing slightly at the coming ghastly smell.

“It’s pomegranates. Bloody tea. Pomegr- You actually thought I liked blood in my tea? What is wrong with you? Do you think I’m some kinda sadist who gets her fucking kicks off of draining blood from small animals and listening to their screams?” She looked incredulous and offended.

“I’ve met worse. And I’ve never heard it called that before. Let me look in my tea things for some dried pomegranate seeds.” I looked into my pack for my teat things and surprisingly found some dried seeds. I poured my cup of chai, then set her half aside to steep. A delicious fruit smell emanated over the campsite.

“So. Any idea where the hell Ivan is, why the fuck he thinks that getting away from me-” She blinked and I smiled. “And the group is a good idea, why he seems suicidal, or anything like that?” She asked while it seemed like her mind was working miles a minute.

“Could be any number of things, and psychology was never a specialty of mine, but I do have a few guesses.” I lifted up a hand, and started to count on it. “One, he is afraid he’ll get you hurt. Two, he might be afraid one of you will hurt him. Three, the spider god whatever thing decided to possess him. Four, he’s trying to misdirect some hunter only he knows about. Or five, he’s playing hide and seek and forgot to tell everyone.” I shook my head. “Five is pretty unlikely, knowing him.”

She seemed like she wanted to say something, but didn't aside from “Fuck you, and is there any chance he will attack us?” She looked to the distance and thought about what she had in her pouch.

“If options two or three are to blame, then that is quite possible. One or four he might also attack to get us to leave him alone so you don’t get hurt.” I looked across my cup at her, waiting for her reply.

She sipped her tea, her eyes shut as she schooled her features, probably so she wouldn't punch me. “So. In case he tries to fight, or we end up in a hostage situation, or what have you, what is your plan of action?”

“If he tries to fight us, I plan to use compulsion to make him go to sleep. It should do minimal to no harm to him. If we have to fight others, I’ll draw their attention while you catch them from behind. And before you take offense at me saying that you’re some sort of backstabber, you happen to be a decent amount faster than I am.”

She blinked and sipped the rest of the tea. “Nope. That is a horrible fucking plan.” She nodded.

‘Alright, I’m up for suggestions.” I gestured for her to speak.

“I’m willing to bet that he will try ANYTHING to get us to leave him. You know, stab little children, stab himself, give up parts of his soul, whatever the fuck goes on in his little head. Or, maybe we’ve been going the wrong way this entire time.” She smiled and carefully gave me back the tea cup. “Or maybe this is still a trap and you are still waiting for me to let down my guard. Or maybe you spiked my tea like I planned on spiking yours.”

“Only thing I spike drinks with is alcohol. And like I said before, I wouldn’t have bothered setting a trap for you. If I wanted to hurt you, I would’ve done it from the get go.” I sipped at my chai, then continued. “As for us going the wrong way, it’s entirely possible, but I have my doubts that we’re on the wrong path.”

She groaned. “You are missing the point. We are chasing after a guy who thinks like that, so we should think like he thinks for a second and try to figure out exactly what he is willing t-” She blinked. “I think I’m going to need a vacation after this.” She clutched her head. “Damn it all. Fuck.”

“I’m going to go fill the canteens while you try and get inside his head. You know him a lot better than I do.”

“I’ve already been in his head. It’s not easy to explain and I don’t want back in there for a long time.” She groaned again. “Go stay on the mainland, he said. You’ll be safe there. Go live your life while your brother decides to try and right the wrongs of the world.” She hissed. “Fuck everything.”

I raised my dermal ridge at the former, then decided against commenting on the latter. I filled the canteens, then quick boiled them to sterilize. I closes the tops then set them in the stream to cool off.

She remained in her sitting position, staring blankly at the sky.  She must have been getting a headache as she brought her wings around her head. “Damn.”

I judged that enough time had passed, and pulled the canteens from the stream, then placed them in my pack. I then slithered back to camp, and noticed her brooding posture. “No luck?”

“Headache. Poppy. Please.” She moaned, shuffling towards me. She pulled out her pouch from her wing and ignored the few feathers still attached. “Give me a few poppy seeds from here, will ya? I’m not going to trust myself to keep from fucking up the doses.”

“Withdrawal headache, huh? Those are no fun.” I looked into her pouch, then pulled out five seeds, which seemed to be a fair dose. “Here you go.” I handed her the seeds, then closed the pouch up tight.

She sighed. “Look, don’t you dare think less of me.” She looked around. “Just.” She closed her eyes and turned away. “Why do you have to be so nice? Why can’t you be easier to hate unconditionally?” She chewed through the seeds. “Damn it, I hate you and I feel bad because you haven’t done anything to really deserve it. Make a mistake or something.”

“I’ve been annoyingly chipper, that’s worth hating someone over. I’ve been known to do that myself. As for thinking down on you for a minor poppy habit? You haven’t spent years of your life doing nothing but drinking.” My hands flickered a little, a small tick from my habit. “I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I just have happened to have learned from a few of them.”

“Ok. Shut up. I now have reasons to hate you and killing you is starting to sound good again.” Her eyes remained closed. “Ever had multiple prosthetics interfere with one another?”

“Can’t say that I have, considering I’ve built most of mine. Hard to have that be a problem.”

“Cool story. Mind shutting up? It doesn’t matter how godly you are, I can still kill you eventually, just like everything else in this fucking world.” She said with a note of desolation in her voice, as though she was switching to other things in her thoughts.

“I’ll shut up. If you want me to, though, I can take a look at prosthetics that aren’t needed for flight. I might be able to help with the interference problem.”

“Remember? You touch me and you don’t get to have little snake men with anything.” She snarled, looking at me. “Can we find him before you drive me nuts?”

A picture of a steering wheel in a pair of pants flickered through my mind, but I decided to not share that particular mental image. “Sure, just let me clean up camp real fast.”

She walked away, her gait unsteady at first before she straightened up. “Right. Just. I.” She seemed to be having trouble speaking “I hope I never see you again.”

I looked back at her. “If it happens, it happens. Whichever way it does, I hope you are happier.”

“Stop being a nice guy. Start being a helpful guy.”

I shot her a look of annoyance, and then begins to clean up camp. I help her look for her who knows what, I make bloody dinner and breakfast, I offer to keep helping in a myriad of ways, and she has the gall to say I should start being helpful? “That’s it! I’m dunking you in the stream!” I gestured at the gryphoness while channeling, and wrapped her up in flows of air. I then lifted her squawking body over the stream, then lightly dropped her in

She got absolutely soaked and she glared once again at me. “If you make a single wet feathers joke I will come after you.” She said, but lightly chuckled. “When I find Ivan I want to lock both of you in a room together until either your drive him sane or he drives you crazy.”

“I don’t know about the former, but the latter happened long ago.” I smiled insincerely at her, not knowing how she'd respond.

“So how many times has the female companion crept into your bed late at night and slit your throat?” She wondered aloud, joking. “Oh wait, you only live once, right?”

In a small voice, I replied. “Five times.”

She didn't comment on the swing in my vocal pattern. “Whatever.” She stalked out of the stream, water streaming off of her body. “No comment.”

I finished cleaning up, then looked up to make sure my ending point is clear. “Shall we head out?”

“Sooner we find him, the sooner I can forget about you, snake boy.” She kept her gaze off of me.

“Right.” I began to spin about, ending up pointing due east. I wove a gateway, reformed my wings, prepared to take to the sky. “Ladies first.”

She flew through without comment, her face blank.

I ran through, once more forming and reforming my wings as they pass the threshold. Closing it behind me, we soared into the east.

She continued to not talk, probably happy for the silence.

I merely glided along, enjoying the feeling of freedom..





An odd sound emanated from the ground below. It crossed pat my 'ears', clueing me in to something being there. “Catastrophe, do you hear laughter?”

She blinked and looks at me. “I was hoping that torn twisted laughter was in my head.”

I looked over at her. “No offense, but if we have a psychic link for some strange reason, I’m killing myself. Anyways, I think it’s coming from below us.”

She winced. “Damn. Harsh much?” No, for your own benefit She asked jokingly, trying not to look below. “I’m guessing-” A barrier of yellow appeared in front of her.

“Stay Away.” There was a cackle.

I sighed in relief. “Oh good, it’s definitely not from you.” I then scanned the ground, spotting a certain striped crazy.

“STAY AWAY DAMN IT.” The barrier expands and lurches around the two of us. Ivan fled.

I soared straight into the barrier. “Damnit Ivan! I can’t hover!” I yelled as he slipped downwards on the barrier.

Catastrophe soared down beside me and lightly picked me up. She made a face of revulsion at touching me. “What do you need to get him?” She pauseed. “Oh yeah, and try not to let him explode your head.”

The zebra rushed further ahead, sped on by an unknown demon.

“I have an idea, but it requires several things going right for us... Which I doubt will happen, seeing as we’ve used up a huge portion of our luck just finding him.” I sighed, then continued. “I’ll skim us ahead of him, then make us invisible. Assuming he continues going this direction, and assuming he can’t see through my weave, I should be able to use compulsion to bring him under control.” I shook my head. “Yay relying on luck!”

She dug her claws into my shoulders. “Why the fuck did you just say what you had to do out loud? That’s just pushing it. I’d be surprised if one thing works now that you said it so the narrative could follow it.” She sighed. “We have to think like him.” She said something almost inaudible.

“Right, think like the bloke who acts like he’s insane. My insanity involves making gateways into a planet’s core and corralling the local populace. Not running away from my friends.” I shook my head again. “Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

The zebra rapidly got out of sight.

“Ok. We need to think this through.” She smiled. “I have a plan that may work. Trust me?”

“About as far as I can throw you, but that’s surprisingly far. What’s your plan?”I smiled wryly.

“Let’s wing it.” She punned, closing her wings and dropping like a stone. “Just follow my lead.”

“So we treat it like every battle in history after it has started. I like it.” I made a predatory smile. “First, I’m going to break this barrier down.” My voice changed, emotion dropping out completely.

A moment passed, then I weakly began hitting the barrier with hammers of air. I don't want to accidentally knock anymore of Catastrophe's feathers off, killing her by way of feather loss is something I'd rather not do. Fairly quickly, fissures began to appear on the barrier, which after a little while exploded outward.

She flared out her wings, putting extra stress on the talons gripping my shoulders.  “Can you fly on your own? Oh yeah. Not sure if he can do that, but he might try putting one of those barriers in your head. Might want to watch out for that, as much as I want you dead I’d rather be the one to do it.”

“Yes, though I’ll need to dive to build up momentum first. I’ll be sure to shield him as best as I can. I’ve blocked stronger opponents, so he shouldn’t be too hard.”

She shrugged. “So, should I just drop you or should I dive. Hmmm...” She laughed lightly, and began to dive towards the ground

“Whenever you feel like letting go, I should be fine now.” I felt the airspeed pick up.

“Promise me you won’t die until I kill you?” She laughed, her beak going into a vicious grin.

“Disembowelment by a gryphoness, sounds like fun.” I pulled my wings out of the dive, forcing the two of us into level flight.

She released her claws from my shoulders, letting me fly on my own. “So, any ideas on how to take him out from here?”

“My limit for fine control is about three hundred meters, or around a thousand feet. That’s the distance I’d want to risk compulsion from, and I’m as likely to kill him as knock him out from this distance.” I began to  swing my tail about, making a few course adjustments.

Cata sighed, then did a quick flip in the air, speeding up towards the direction he had been fleeing in. “I’ll go see what he thinks about the issue.”

I looked up at her. “Alright, be careful. He’s definitely not in his right mind.”

She smiled back. “Relax, will ya? I’ve faced down airships exploding, I can probably survive a zebra.” She looked away. “Even if he loves me or whatever.” She mumbled.

I caught that last bit, but refrained from commenting on it. You want him too, hon. It’s obvious. “Get out of there if he shows himself to be truly violent.”

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever, Snakedick.” She smiled as she quickly sped up further, her wings guiding her forward, her eyes trained to catch the tell tale stripes.

I tried to trim myself down to speed up, though it was fairly ineffective.

She kept her gaze on the ground, but her wings slowed down. “You... You... ARGHHH!” She screamed.

Learn some better profanity, yeesh. I started to dive and level out, and channeled a tailwind to heave myself forward. I caught up to see Catastrophe and Ivan doing a seemingly strange dance, one in the air and the other on the ground.

Cata swooped down at him and Ivan jumped away just as nimbly, Cata flying back into the air to repeat the dive. “Hold still and let me get my talons on you...”

With Catastrophe distracting Ivan, I was finally able to get in range. I formed a tapestry of the power in seconds, and dropped it on Ivan. “SLEEP!” I yell as it contacts the panicked zebra. He struggled against the command for a few seconds, then fell over, exhausted.

She let out a pant and hit the ground. “Ivan.” She groaned, then reached into her pouch, pulling out a few seeds to work on. She sat on the ground and watched him. “You aren’t going to randomly transform or something, right?” She asked nobody in particular.

I ignored her statement, then landed as best I could near the zebra. I reached out with the power, and slowly delved his body. Dehydration, lacerations on the legs, bruises everywhere, chipped hooves, and a bleeding frog. Definitely roughed up, but I’ve seen and healed worse. “I’ll go ahead and heal him, and then we can head back to your airship. We’ll need to be careful of his mental state and his dehydration, though.”

She picked up Ivan up and carefully carried him, flashing me a glare. “Well gee, what could’ve made you think that, genius?” She cradled him against her chest.

Replying in complete sardonicism, I stated. “Why thank you, milady. I have never been so complemented in my life.”

She spat out a few seeds on the ground, and in an almost motherly manner, continued carrying the downed zebra. “Do you think he’ll be ok?”

“Physically? I can make him fit as a fiddle. Mentally? Let’s find a real therapist.”

“Know any good ones around here?”

“Closest person I know of around here that is a decent therapist goes by Jim. Jim Bean.” I smiled for a moment, then continued. “And it tastes delicious.”

She blinked blankly. “Just. No.” She acted like she wanted to nuzzle against Ivan after he lets out a pitiful cry but stopped herself.

“I never said that there wasn’t a better therapist around here, just the one I knew about.” I cocked my head, then continued on. “We should try and get some fluids in him. He needs water.” With that, I brought out one of my full canteens, and slithered over to Catastrophe. “Here, you probably want to do this instead of letting me do it.” I held out the canteen to her.

“Just pour a little bit into his mouth at a time, then gently massage his throat so he reflexively swallows.” I instructed.

She gently placed him against the ground, propping him up with a wing. She placed the canteen against his mouth, and face growing red, massaged his throat. “He’s been running for two days.”

“Which definitely explains how he was able to keep ahead of the two of us on the wing.” I looked over at her, and watched the gentle scene in bemused silence, before looking away, not wanting to intrude.

As I looked away, I noticed a strange design on one of the nearby hills. “You going to be okay by yourself for a moment? I’m going to go look at something real quick.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Sure...” She said distractedly, her face lightly flushed.

I goes over to the strange marking in the stone, and noticed a border around the marking with what looked to be a strange script. Is that moonwhinney? No, the grammar is wrong and the … letters.. match... up with Latin...? Which I don’t really know all that well. Greek always seemed like a much more useful language. Maybe look for spanish cognates?

I continued to look over the script, trying to puzzle out what it said. Moonwhinney script, Latin words, and English grammar? The hell? Marty opens his mouth, and says. “Here lies the son of Clover the clever, Alfalfa the wise?” It came to me moments later. “A barrow! I was looking for a place where something was buried. This is definitely what Oponn was talking about!” I’ll come back after I’ve helped  Ivan. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask for them to wait on me.

I turned around, then headed back to Ivan and Catastrophe.

Catastrophe looked even redder in the face than before and she felt half humiliated, still getting Ivan to drink water. She massaged his throat gently, trying to smile. “So. What did you find?” She asked quietly.

“A mystery and something I’ll investigate later. I had a hunch that something like this would happen. Dramatic convenience and all that.” And being ta’veren. “Anyways, I see that you’ve had luck in getting him to drink something.”

“Just a little luck. He feels really light.” She looked at me for a second. “I think he might be a little uh... malnourished?” She asked, then shook her head. “Yeah, malnourished. Do you think he might’ve been skipping meals or something?”

“It’s certainly possible, and that might have contributed to his running away. Hunger and lack of necessary nutrients can make you do some really stupid shit.”

She jerked her head and looked at the snake. “Am I rubbing off on you?”

“I don’t know. Could be. Just so long as you don’t literally rub off on me. I don’t think my girlfriend would approve.” I chose my words carefully. Well, maybe not girlfriend. Teddy bear with living privileges? I don't know.

“Who the hell would ever want to stay around you?” She looked down at Ivan and sat him on his side, laying him out.

“Hellspawn, duh.” I looked at her snidely.

She made a face. “Hellspawn. Right. Whatever. Soooo. What do I owe you for this?”

“Nothing. I’m fairly certain what I’m looking for is over by what I was looking at. So in return for ‘helping’ me in my investigation, I won’t charge you a thing.” I nodded my head at this. “Besides, money really isn’t something I care about.”

She looked back at Ivan. “Still.” She shook a little. “I suppose I have been a little.. Uh...” She looked down at the ground. “Abrasive.”

“No harm done, hon. I’ve not helped matters any, and my abilities tend to cause those with feline characteristics to dislike or mistrust me. Which, last I checked, gryphons have some feline characteristics.”

She looked away. “Yeah. You can say that.” She smiled lightly, which then disappears. “What do we do when he wakes up?”

“I shield him, and hope that we can calm him down. Your face would probably be better for him to wake up to. Equines are instinctively fearful of snakes.” I smiled, then continued. “Which, for better or worse, I resemble.”

She nodded. “Yeah.” She stares thoughtfully at Ivan. “So... what now?”

“Now, we wait. And I have a game that can pass the time. What you do is take a word that starts with a, like apple for instance, and then reply with a word that starts with the letter at the end of that word, so elephant would be a workable reply. The game continues until you can’t think of a proper word.” I waited for her reply.

“Tarry.” She said without looking at me.

“Ysolde.”

“Every.”

“Ysengrime.”

“Early.”

“Yolk.”

“Kooky.”

“You. You like ‘Y’ words, don’t you.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Ye.”

“Extremely.”

“Yield.”

“Duration.”

“Null.”

“Leery.” Time slowly passed as we played.

“Yip.”

“Perplexingly.”

I decided to end the game, as I noticed that Ivan was stirring. “I’ve got nothing. You used all my ‘Y’ words. Good game.”

She turned her gaze on Ivan and then she pounced on top of him, pinning him down. “Oh hell no, I’m not letting you move yet.” She half way snarled, halfway sobbed.

I seized the source, then placed the strongest shielding weave I could on the zebra, hoping to contain any magic from Ivan.

“Go away.” He mumbled without opening his eyes. She frowned at him and kept him pinned.

“Sorry Ivan, no can do.” Marty replied.

He slowly cracked open his eyes and stared at Catastrophe, his face going red for a long second before paling back to a panicked white. “I need to not be here. I’ll end up killing you.” Catastrophe remained on him.

“Uh huh. I’ve used that justification before. It’s stupid, and hurts everyone in the end.” I shook my head. “Plus, I think that getting Catastrophe here killed would just annoy her.”

She nodded, and then Ivan flared out his magic, seeking to push her off of him. It fades almost instantly as it impacted dully against my shield. “Stay here.” She demanded, almost hissing into the zebra’s face. “Stay here.”

He looked at me. “Help me? She’s warm.”

“And considering I’m worried about you going into shock, that’s not a bad thing. I think this is the best thing I can do for you.”

He slowly blinked. “So... why are you guys here?”

Cata slowly bit back her response.

“Business.” I figure that’s vague enough.

“Business.” His eyes look away from Cata and I.

Cata glared at the zebra. “And? You don’t even seem excited to see us.”

I merely raises my dermal ridge at Ivan in a questioning manner.

“Look guys, I know that you want me to come back, but I can’t.” He turned his head to look at the sky. “I need to get away.”

Cata looks at me. “What am I supposed to do now? He’s still nutty.”

“Got me. I vote we bind his legs and take him back to town. That will take care of the whole running away from us bit.” I looked to Catastrophe for her thoughts.

“Think we could shock him or something? Don’t crazy people get shocked? I’m clueless.”

Ivan squirmed. “Guys. Just let me go.”

“No.”

“Shh, the adults are talking here.”

The griffon smirked. “You know, he’s kinda like an adorable puppy, when he’s not trying to be naughty.”

Ivan blushed. “Guys. Please?”

“My sort of shock therapy kills, but I have heard of it working.” I muttered to myself much more quietly. “Also a sequel to a wonderfully bad movie.”

The griffoness blinked and looked at him, her mind abuzz. “Right. I’m just going to sit here and maybe he’ll stop being crazy. That’s less likely to kill him and less likely for fate to let him go.” She smirked down at Ivan, who looked miserable.

“Sorry bro. I’m not going to let someone hurt themselves when I can prevent it.” I smiled at him. “I’m just a dick like that.”

He glared at Catastrophe and I.

“This is kinda pathetic. Damn it, act your age, Ivan.” She rolled her eyes.

“I don’t want to.” He whined.

She huffed and rolled her eyes again. “So childish.” She picked up a taloned foot and put it on his throat.

I stared at that action slightly nervously, but said nothing.

Her right eyelid twitched as Ivan didn't react. “What. Are. You. Waiting. For?” She hissed, glaring down at him. She leaned down closer to express her ire more clearly.

“Catastrophe, ease up a little.” I looked at her anxiously. “I don’t think you want to really maim him.”

“Fiiiiiine.” She snarled, taking her appendage from his neck. “So what shou-”

Ivan let out a sigh of relief and then promptly kissed her beak.

Catastrophe went dead silent, not moving.

I looks on, doing my absolute best to not start laughing.

Ivan stopped kissing her. “So... can you let me go yet?”

She looked at Marty. “Did he just?” Her face was bright red.

I burst out laughing. I stopped for a moment, looked at the two of them, then started to laugh again.

Ivan attempted to shrug but couldn't because he was pinned. “Might as well.” He kissed her again.

“What.” She said, not moving her face. “You... D-don’t... Kiss a beak. You... Y-you.” Her face was torn between a look of shock and outright mental explosion. “What?”

I'm now crying I'm laughing so hard. “Oh... Oh god. Your face. I wish I had a camera to share this with everyone.”

Cata glared at me with one eye, but didn't move her face. Her glares should have long since killed me by now.

Ivan stopped kissing her. “What, you don’t like it?” He looked hurt.

“I. Uh. Er. W-what? You.” She stumbled over her words. “CAN YOU AT LEAST WARN ME BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?” She shouted.

Ivan’s ears closed against his head. “Oh.”

I wheezed from the sideline. “I... can’t... breath.” I finally started to get my laughter under control.

She growled loudly. “Marty...” She warned. “And uh... It was ok ...I guess.” She said in a softer voice to Ivan.

He smiled. “Oh, should I do it again?”

“If you do, I should probably leave.” I said with a mirthful tone.

She looked at him. “Stay here.” She hissed then lunged at me.

Ivan, of course, ran for it.

She turned away, a few seconds from using her rage to pummel me. “Did he just...?”

“Nope.” I said emotionlessly as I bound the escapee with flows of air, then lifted him up and over to us.

“Aw. Damn it.” He said without any real feeling.

Cata blinked slowly, her face still red. “Marty, if you ever tell anyone this I will hunt you down and shove your tail down your throat until it comes out your ass. YOUR ASS. YOU HEAR ME?”

“Biological impossibilities aside, I wouldn’t dream of it. This moment is too precious to use as blackmail.” I tied off the weaves holding Ivan, then set him down. “Now you can’t run away.”

Cata sat down a bit away from Ivan. “Think we should try his meds?”

Ivan frowned at Cata. “Uh... why are you over there?”

I looked over at Catastrophe, and answered. “Probably couldn’t hurt.”

“Because Ivan, beaks are sharp. If you kiss them, you’ll get cut.” She said in a matter of fact tone, then tossed me a pill bottle.

“Oh. Guess I should get chapstick or something.”

“Or prepare for a lot of scars.” I took a look at the bottle, and took out an appropriate dose. “If I put this in your mouth, are you going to take it? Or am I going to have to force you to swallow? I know how to force you to swallow if you spit it back out.”

He looked up at me. “Got any water? I’m thirsty.”

“I’m sure.” I brought out my second canteen, and tipped it up so that Ivan can drink from it easily.

He drank from it greedily.

Catastrophe stared at him while he does so. “So...” She started, but doesn’t finish.

“Doh” I answered back, musically.

She glared. “We will not start a musical segment.”

“Dang it, I had what is love planned.” Ivan complained.

“Probably better than part of ‘The sound of Music’.”

“JUST GIVE HIM THE PILL.” She screamed, fighting back another blush. “Uncrazify him so I can beat the shit out of him for kissing me.”

Ivan frowned. “So... you didn’t like it?”

I raised my dermal ridge at Catastrophe, and then placed the pill on Ivan’s tongue. “Some water to help the medicine go down.”

“Just a teaspoon?” He asked, but swallowed almost obediently.

I smiled at this, but made sure Ivan got a decent amount of water. “You took it without complaint. I almost feel proud of you.”

He spat a mouthful of water into my face. “Yeah, fuck you.” He mumbled. No thanks.

Cata clapped. “Oh look, he takes after me.”

“You both do know that I can dump the both of you in the nearest ocean, no problems, right?” I grinned evilly. “In fact, that’s one of my favorite ways of dealing with douchebags.” Like the douchebag versions of Prince Blueblood. Such an effective way to deal with him.

Ivan frowned. “Can I go now? I kinda don’t want to be here...” He looked away at the fields around them.

Catastrophe groaned. “Damn, I’ve been flirting with disaster.”

“Family of yours?” I asked snidely.

“Marty, if yo-” She burst into laughter. “Heh...” She chuckled. “Oh it’s been a long couple of days.”

Ivan looked at her. “You telling me? I’ve been running for two days straight.”

“Yes, but she’s dealing with me sleep deprived. I’m more than a bit of a dick when I’m sleep deprived.”

“If you were anymore of a dick I’d see how much I could sell you to the sex trade.” She sniped, looking at Ivan.

Ivan laughed weakly. “I should’ve known someone would track me down.”

At that, I shot Catastrophe a look of pure hate. “Don’t even joke about that. Not around me, not ever.”

She recoiled slightly. “Huh. I probably should’ve known you would be sensitive about the ‘friend trade’.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, but I hate it, and I kill things I hate.” There is nothing jovial in my tone any more.

“Cata.” Ivan said, his voice cracking. “I’m kinda scared.”

Catastrophe looked me in the eyes. “Snap out of it. You’ll do something you regret.”

I grabbed a hold of myself, and used a calming exercise, breathing in and out slowly several times. I felt smaller and older with each exhalation. After the sixth exhalation, I looked over at Catastrophe, feeling every year, every loss, and every wound. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

She glared. “That’s right. Now apologize to Ivan. You scared him and he is still insane.” She closed her eyes. “Good. Fucking. Job.”

“I apologize Ivan. No one should have to see that part of me, especially someone who is hurting.” I felt like I could break with a touch.

Ivan closed his eyes and opened them. “Actually, I kinda feel better around Catastrophe, you know?”

The griffon groaned. “Marty. You’ve got to stop being a... You’ve got to stop.” She sighed. “Stop trying to be perfect. It isn’t going to work and it’s just going to drive you nuts. Like Ivan.”

“Perfection is impossible, as well as boring. No, I’m merely trying to atone.” I found my mask, and put it back on. “But that’s neither here nor there. Lets get him back into town, shall we?”

Cata nodded. “Uh...” She looked at Marty. “Thanks. I’m a little sorry that I didn’t trust you, but thanks, I guess.”

Ivan shrugged from being carried. “I’m just saying that the hot tub had better not be occupied.”

“No promises. But lets start out. No offense, but I have other things I need to get done.” I embraced the source, and created a skimming gateway, too tired and worn out to go to the trouble of making a traveling gateway.

Ivan looked at him. “Where are you going?”

“You know the spider god you have in your head?” I shook my head. “Yeah, I have something similar, except mine is better behaved. He gave me a long term goal, and in return he owes me a favor.”

Cata nodded. “Like the one I don’t owe you.”

“Like I said, this chase led me right to where I think is next on my task list.” I looked at her, then continued “So yeah, that squares us up nicely.”

The griffon smiled. “To be polite, if we ever meet again I might try to skin you alive and set you on fire.”

Ivan blinked. “Uh... did something happen between you?”

“Oh, we found we have a significantly different opinion on art. I like surrealism, and she likes the destructive anarcho movement. Simple as that.” I flicked my tongue at her.

Ivan blinked. “So you pissed her off and she didn’t kill you?”

She looked away.

“To be fair, I think she’s a little intimidated by me.” I fake whispered to Ivan.

“To be fair, you can tear holes in time and space.” He pointed out. “I’m terrified beyond belief of you, myself.”

“Point. Anyways, shall we?” I gestured to the open portal.

Ivan looked at it. “Where does it go?”

Cata picked him up and they both fly through.

“WAIT! THAT’S NOT A GATEWAY!” I yell as loud as I can. “Land on the platform!”

She blinked and lands. “Wow. You really do suck.”

“This is known as skimming. It’s similar to the gateways I make, except slower. If you didn’t land on that platform, you would eventually tire, and fall forever, eventually dying of thirst or madness. I’m doing this so that we don’t have to wait a stupid length of time for me to learn the area.” I exposit.

She blinked. “You can die of madness?” She looked at the zebra worriedly.

“Well, it’s more or less death by madness. Your brain shuts down, and nothing can reboot it. But this place is just special like that. It’s the falling for forever in complete darkness that messes with your mind like that.”

She nodded. “Sounds... uh... interesting?”



“Well, if there’s someone I really detest, and don’t feel like torturing them to death, I just throw them off the platform.” I thought for a moment, then continued. “And no, neither of you qualify for that particular horror.” As we stepped on the black metallic circle with green and blue pulsing lights, we started off.

Ivan nodded blankly. “Remind me to never piss you off.” He said, his eyes slowly draining of madness. “You know, when I’m not trying to plot out something it is a lot easier to think. I might hire someone to do the planning.”

The griffon smiled. “What, and miss out of the fireworks after your plan fails?”

“Fireworks are fun.” I continue the ride in quiet, saying nothing else.

The zebra smiled. “Can you unbind me yet? I’m not into anyone watching me, if you catch my drift.”

Catastrophe blinked blankly before the meaning slid through. “Bondage, hmmm?”

I untied the weaves over Ivan without comment, focusing on the task at hand.

He laughed. “No.” He sank to the ground, laying on his side.

She shrugged. “Whatever.”

I opened up the end of the wormhole, letting light shine in. “That’s the ride folks. Please remember all of your carry-ons, and have a nice day. And as always, thank you for riding Stu wormways.” Flippancy and the emotionlessness of the void always combine awkwardly.

She shook her head.

“I’m going to have to report you to your company, there were entirely too many things wrong with that flight. The engines, for example, were on fire.” Ivan joked.

I emerged from the hole, followed by Ivan and Catastrophe. I let go of the power after closing the gateway, then answered. “Any landing you can walk away from. Now, I’m going to go find the nearest bar, hire a room, and then drink myself into oblivion. Maybe I’ll finally get a decent nights sleep.”

Ivan looks at Catastrophe. “Hot tub?”

“Hot tub.” he replies, smirking.

“You two kids have fun.” I began to slither off.

Catastrophe waved half assedly at me. “Fuck you Snake.”

Ivan shrugged. “So... where does this leave us?” He looked at her deeply.

“Cut it out with the eyes, Neon pegasus.”

He flinched. “I thought you said you forgot about that!”

“Hell no.”

“Damn it.”