//------------------------------//
// "Area Resident's House Destroyed for Fourth Time," "Magic Control Debate Rages in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis," "Different-Species Marriage Legalized" 
// Story: The Ponion 
// by CartsBeforeHorses 
//------------------------------//

THE PONION
Equestria's Finest News Source
May 8th, 2013

Stories This Issue
“Here We Go Again,” Area Resident Groans As House Destroyed For Fourth Time, LOCAL, 1A
Magic Control Debate Heats Up in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis, NATIONAL, 1B
Rode Island Becomes Latest State to Legalize Different-Species Marriage, NATIONAL, 1C

“Here We Go Again,” Area Resident Groans As House Destroyed For Fourth Time


PONYVILLE—Local resident Golden Harvest is once again attempting to piece her life back together after her house was destroyed on Wednesday. This marks the fourth time in just over two years that her humble cottage has been demolished.

“Here we go again,” Golden Harvest said, tilting her head back and letting out an audible groan.

“The first couple of times, I was really sad. I mean, losing your house is hard. But you know what? I’m not even sad anymore. I’m not angry, either. I’m just kind of annoyed at this point.”

Golden Harvest, a full-time gardener, recounted her tale as she sifted through piles of bricks and drywall, retrieving any salvageable photographs and family heirlooms that she could find.

“So the very first time was when the Parasprites came. That one was bad. They ate all the carrots in my garden, and then they lost interest in the carrots and started eating my house.

“The second time was Discord. He turned the house into a cardboard cutout, which he ripped into shreds. I just thought, well, okay life. What else are you gonna throw at me? 

“The third time, this giant dragon stomped on my house when he was rampaging through the town. Come to find out, he’s the assistant to the Princess’ favorite student. So I figured, hey, that’s good, maybe Princess Celestia will help out some with the financial stuff. I mean, insurance doesn’t cover everything. But nope! No money for me!”

A reporter observed Golden Harvest’s eyes rolling at this statement.

“And then today, I came home and found my house was destroyed in a runaway pegasi tornado. But hey, I’ve just come to terms with the fact that every six months or so, I’m going to have to start all over again and rebuild my house and my livelihood,” she said, chuckling, “I guess that’s just how it works in Ponyville.”

At press time, sources confirmed that Golden Harvest had contacted a real estate agent in Canterlot, which averages just one town-destroying disaster a year. Ω


Magic Control Debate Heats Up in Wake of Latest Mass Hypnosis

CANTERLOT—In the wake of the most recent school hypnosis, ponies from both sides of the political spectrum have weighed in on proposed new magic control laws designed to prevent further tragedies.

In Pentember, unicorn Sunrise Rays, 24, walked into a classroom in Pristine Gardens Elementary School in Saddleville, Connecticolt and cast the “want it, need it” hypnosis spell on a glue stick. He lured dozens of ponies outside with the adhesive implement, and then threw it in front of a moving train. In total, six young foals were killed and thirteen were critically injured.

“It was horrifying. They were completely entranced by this spell,” one teacher recalled.

This was the deadliest massacre since a unicorn colt committed a similar crime at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns over a decade ago.

Since then, there have been several proposals to limit these types of deadly spells.

“Nopony needs to cast these assault spells, particularly on such a large group of ponies as we saw at Pristine Gardens,” said Cyan Cascade, president of the Bucky Campaign to Limit Deadly Spells. “We support universal background checks and mandatory registration for all unicorns wishing to cast these spells, and we support limiting the number of ponies they can use it on to seven at a time. And we should close the magic show loophole, which enables ponies to learn this and other dangerous spells without passing background checks.”

Blazing Horns, president of the National Magic Association, disagrees. At the NMA’s meeting this week in Horseton, he delivered a rousing speech on constitutional rights to a crowd of thousands of supporters.

“The Constitution of Equestria clearly states that unicorns have a right to use magic! What if Celestia and Luna turn into tyrants and decide they want to banish us all to the moon? We need magic to defend ourselves!”

His speech was greeted with rousing applause, our correspondent in Horseton reported. Blazing Horns is supported by other magic advocates such as economist John Trott, the author of More Magic, Less Crime. He offers statistics to claims that, in fact, magic makes everypony safer.

“The only way to stop a bad pony with a spell is a good pony with a spell,” he was quoted as saying, “Criminals don’t follow the law. If you ask everypony to register their spells, only the good ponies will. In this instance, this school was a ‘magic free zone,’ meaning that the teachers weren’t allowed to use magic to defend their students.”

Some ponies are focusing on mental health issues rather than magic issues.

“Those meanie-pants killer ponies are loco in the coco! We need to get them some treatment. Maybe we could try throwing them a party so that they aren’t so depressed,” one Ponyville resident commented.

Others, such as the Foundation of Justice, argue that stricter penalties are needed.

“Two years ago, a young filly used the want-it, need-it spell on hundreds of residents of Ponyville. Though miraculously nopony died, dozens were injured. But all she got was a five-minute lecture from the Princess. We support raising the mandatory minimum lecture for magic-related offenses to thirty minutes, maybe even an hour,” the Foundation stated in a press release.

That’s not the answer, says Cyan Cascade.

“Stricter penalties won’t solve anything; we need more magic control. Look at Trottingham, where they banned all but the most basic magic spells. There are far fewer ponies killed by magic there than in Equestria.”

But John Trott disagrees.

“Bans won’t solve anything. In Trottingham, fewer ponies were killed before the magic ban. Ponies are going to find ways to kill and injure each other regardless: whether it’s with magic, manticores, parasprites, apple pies, party cannons, or even guns.”  Ω


Rode Island Becomes Latest State to Legalize Different-Species Marriage

CELESTIANCE, RODE ISLAND—In a triumph for inter-species couples and advocates, Rode Island became the latest state in Equestria to legalize different-species marriage. 

“This is a great day for us, troooooly, and a great day for mixers everywhere,” said local cow, Milky Marietta, to our correspondent. She was standing outside of the statehouse as the governor signed the bill into law. Her Pegasus partner simply nodded his head in agreement, tears of joy in his eyes.

“It’s terrific. We’re already making wedding plans!” said one local donkey, who was there with her unicorn fiancé.

Rode Island is just the latest state to recognize different-species marriage. Other states include Manehattan, Seaddle, Massahoovesets and Vanhoover. In addition, the state of Cloporado recently legalized civil unions.

Nor is Equestria alone in the world. Internationally, countries to legalize different-species marriage include Horseugal, Saddleand and Mexicolt. The country of Fancy just recently legalized it. Griffany already has civil unions, and marriage is being debated.

“Now, mixed-species couples will be able to legally adopt children and visit each other in the hospital,” the Governor stated as he signed the bill into law.

Not everypony, however, was enthusiastic about the change. Members of local religious organizations gathered to protest the new law. Some, such as one couple from Ponyville, traveled many miles to voice their opinions.

“Mixers should not get married. I have nothing against them, but them getting married devalues the traditional institution of marriage,” said unicorn Lyra Heartstrings.

“I agree. Marriage is between a pony and a pony. It’s been that way for thousands of years,” said Bon Bon, her wife. Ω


FINANCE
Dow Pones: 15056.20, +87.31 (0.58%)
MLP 500: 1625.96, +8.46 (0.52%)

Stocks edged higher today as Sweet Apple Acres announced the release of its new apples this fall. Speculators had widely been expecting a statement on this sometime during Applebuck season, so the early announcement came as a surprise to some investors.


SPORTS
Canterlot Derby winner, Derby Hooves*, is accused of using Rainbow Juice. Allegations are unconfirmed as of yet, but we're putting an asterisk there just in case.

WEATHER
Monday: Fog all across Equestria. Plan accordingly.
Tuesday: A cool, breezy 52 degrees.
Wednesday: Cloudy, unless you live in Cloudsdale, in which case it's so high up in the atmosphere that there are never any clouds above you, just below you.
Thursday: A light shower or two.
Friday: Maybe we'll finally see some sun if Rainbow Dash gets her lazy flank up and clears those clouds.
Saturday: Still waiting.
Sunday: Rainbow Daaaaaaaaashhh!

CLASSIFIED
If you don't mind, I really need a pony to help me out with the annual bunny census. I don't have that many bits to pay you, but I really, really need somepony's help. Counting thousands of bunnies is hard. So, please, help. If that's okay with you, of course. 
-Fluttershy

We're selling an old used carriage.  It's pretty okay. It only has about 230,000 miles on it. It needs new wooden spokes, the front fender is cracked, and the interior smells like dragon smoke, but other than that, it's a great ride. Can you PLEEEEEEASE buy it? What can we do to get you into this carriage? We're trying to get our cutie marks!
-Cutie Mark Crusader Used Carriage Salesponies