The Epilogue
Discord was a funny one. Not a ‘ha-ha’ kind of funny. More like a ‘put-that-knife-away’ kind of funny.
The last of the draconiquus was a little difficult to describe, since he was kind of a mix-match of creatures all patched together. Goat leg, pony head, goat horns, bat wing, the works. He definitely lived up to his namesake in terms of looks. Though since his reform, he wasn’t really living up to the namesake.
Who had heard Celestia had given Discord a little uninhabited island where he could create all the chaos he wanted – where he could vent without harming anypony. But when he was in Equestria he was obliged to work for the powers of order and harmony.
Though that didn’t mean he didn’t get up to the odd bit of mischief from day to day.
Today was one of those days.
Stepping out into the corridor, Who felt his foot slip out from under him. Stumbling, the human commander managed to catch himself on the door frame before he hugged the hard marble ground. Blinking confoundedly he looked at the soapy suds he’d slipped on. It was like a massive snail-trail of soap zig-zagging up the corridor to his left, and down further to his right.
Straightening up he saw the cause of the suds.
It was Discord with a pair of scrubbing-brushes strapped to his feet, used to skate up and down the corridor and leaving a trail of soap in his wake. With a sigh, Who quickly stepped over the soapy trails and walked after the draconiquus.
Who looked like he was prepared for an operation; white fatigues over which he wore the silver-chainmail under-armour with purple and gold impact plating covering the lower legs, forearms and the torso. Centred on his chest was an imitation of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark, making him a member of the Twilight Guard. His bow hung over his shoulder with his quiver on his back and a sword on his hip. In truth he wasn’t action going into the field quite yet. He was going to be travelling down to Ponyville for a brief inspection of the area later on. In his hand was a clipboard with a long to-do list, most of it having to do with getting the brand-spanking-new Twilight Guard up and running. And maybe that’d go quicker with Discord’s help.
“Discord!” he called as he gave chase. “What kind of trouble are you up to?”
The draconiquus gasped looking hurt as he froze in his tracks. Somehow Who figured it was a fake expression. He wasn’t sure what gave it away though. The sarcastic demeanour of the draconiquus or the trail of soap he left in his wake.
“I’ll not stand for this random association with trouble. I’ll have you know, I’m reformed.” Discord informed the human. As he did he quickly snapped his fingers and the brushes on his feet vanished in a flash of light.
Who looked unconvinced. “Then you won’t mind doing something helpful with your powers.”
“Ugh.” – the spirit of chaos slouched with a deadpan expression on his face – “I should have seen that one coming. Yawn! Your menial tasks are always so booooooring.”
Who rolled his eyes, reaching back and drawing an arrow from his quiver. He pointed the pointy implement straight at Discord, warning him to behave. “Easy, tiger. Don’t make me poke your eye out again like last time.”
“Puh-lease. It barely hurt the first time.”
“Yeah, but this time I might not give it back.” The commander chuckled.
“Touché.” Discord chuckled back. “So what do you want from me?”
“We need a barracks in Ponyville for the Twilight Guard.” Who explained pointing at his clipboard. “The plans are all here. All the usual bells and whistles included. Plumbing, power, etcetera. I’ve also got a roster of guardsponies awaiting teleportation down to Ponyville when the barracks is up and running.”
“Ugh! That’s it? Construction work and transportation?” Discord pulled a face like he was biting into something nasty.
“It’ll take you thirty seconds.”
“Yes, but they’ll be a boring thirty seconds!” he whined.
Regardless, Who pulled the scroll from his clipboard and handed it to Discord. “Here. That’s why I wrote the plans and the roster in binary code. You’ll have to translate it first.”
Discord snatched up the scroll, beaming and squealing with excitement. “Oh, you know me so well!” he proceeded to hug his assignment papers like a comforter. “Solving this will be the best five minutes of my immortal life.” And only then did the sarcasm ease through his tone.
“You’re welcome.” Who deadpanned with a roll of his eyes.
As Discord was skimming over the particulars of the barracks Commander Who needed; their ears perked up at the sound of hooves on the floor. Turning they saw four figures trot out of the nearby armoury door and move closer.
Who hardly recognised Staff Sergeant Buckshot and Privates Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block out of uniform. The ponies weren’t an off-white with cropped navy manes and tails anymore. While their manes and tails were still cropped, they were much more colourful while not wearing the enchanted talismans in their armour that turned their coats white and manes dark blue.
Buckshot was the biggest surprise. His cutie mark was as per his namesake, a handful of buckshot framed in an explosion of fire, and his coat was a startling light blue colour. But most startling though was the fact he had two eyes – though missing his eyepatch he still chewed on a cigar stub.
“Staff sergeant, you have two eyes.” Who commented as the group joined them.
“Yup!” Buckshot chuckled. Out of uniform and prepared for some shore leave the staff sergeant was certainly less formal.
Commander Who was still confused though. “If you have both your eyes why do you wear the eyepatch?”
“Makes me look manlier.” The stallion answered.
Brute Force scoffed. “Even more so?”
Brute Force was a painted pony, his dirty grey coat broken up by spots of brown. Stamped on his flank was a tool quite similar to a crowbar. Though unlike crowbars, the hooligan-tool in Brute’s cutie mark was more suited to a variety of brute force tasks beyond prying.
Beside him was Mercury; her coat was a sunset yellow colour with a bright red mane and tail. Her cutie mark looked like a broken thermometer dripping mercury. Whatever the heck it symbolised, nopony would ever know.
Finally, Steel Block was large as ever. The massive chestnut stallion had a pitch black mane and tail, with a great big silver kite-shield stamped on his flank. Most shield-bearers had to be made. Clearly, Steel Block was one of the few born.
As they trotted to a halt they all waved hello to the commander. Before they could say anything though, they were interrupted by a voice. It was a very unfamiliar voice, and it startled almost all of them.
“Hello, my little ponies!” said the voice; so sickly sweet it could bring forth both a sense of arousal and immediate insulin shock. “Enjoy your weekend!”
Turning they saw another pony trot out of the armoury behind them. The earth-pony mare was pretty. Extremely pretty, with a lithe, slender build and a hot-pink coat. Her mane cascaded down her scalp like a rushing waterfall of white gold. Stamped on her skinny flank was a picture of a bon-bon wrapped in pink foil.
“Thanks, colonel.” Staff Sergeant Buckshot called back to the mare, causing the three privates to freeze startled. “You too.”
Mercury almost screamed with terror as she watched the skinny mare trot cheerfully around the corner. “Wha-... was that Colonel Hard Candy?”
“Y’know... I think so. I’ve never seen her out of uniform before... or acting nice.” Steel Block chuckled with surprise.
Brute Force on the other hand couldn’t even form intelligible syllables as he stood with his jaw on the floor, a puddle of drool forming around him. “Whaaaaaa-whubba-hubbabba...”
“Everypony changes when they take off the uniform I guess.” Who chuckled.
“Speaking of taking off the unicorm,” – Mercury batted her eyes as she suggestively changed the subject – “What are you planning for the weekend, commander?”
Discord chuckled, interjecting: “Oh, the commander here doesn’t take time off. That would require a sense of fun”
“Nopony asked you, Dissy.” Mercury sighed. “So what you up to, commander?”
Commander Who nodded to agree with Discord. Something he figured he probably couldn’t do very often. “Working, private. There’s plenty to do. What do you guys have planned?”
“I’m heading down to the Dodge City Rodeo. I’mma sign up and conquer! How about you, Brute?” Mercury asked.
Brute Force smiled eagerly. “I’m visiting my momma in Cloudsdale. She’s baking ‘welcome home’ pies as we speak!”
That seemed to confuse the mare though. “You can’t fly. How’s that going to work?”
“With great difficulty.” Brute admitted. “What about you, sarge? What are you up to this weekend?”
“I’ll be heading to the Baltimare waterpark with my kids.” The staff sergeant said.
“You have kids?”
Mercury had more pressing issues than that. “More importantly; social services trusts you taking care of foals?”
“Hey, I take care of Stonewall Company, right?” Buckshot retorted, and Discord laughed.
“Ho-ho! Tou-ché!”
“We got room for one more in the wagon if you wanna go, commander.” The sergeant added with an invite to the human. “I know you wanna!”
“Sorry, staff sergeant. I got stuff to do.”
“Weren’t you scheduled to take time off though?” Steel Block rumbled.
Who pointed a thumb to the draconiquus hovering beside him. “Gave it to him.”
Mercury would have done a spit-take had she been eating or drinking something. She still choked though. “Seriously!? You gave the spirit of chaos a weekend off? Are you insane?”
“You little ponies have fun! Stay out of trouble!” Discord mockingly said in an ominous tone.
“Yeah, well you stay out of trouble too, sir.” Brute Force warned. “Or I’ll be down here like: Pew-pew-pew!” he added blinking rapidly at the spirit of chaos.
“What are you doing?” Mercury hissed.
“Shooting Discord with my eyeball laser-beams?”
As Mercury cuffed Brute Force over the head for being silly, Who turned to Steel Block. “What about you, steel Block?”
“Oh, that’s right! You’re going to your secret hideaway, ain’t you Steel?” Staff Sergeant Buckshot announced.
“You have a secret getaway?”
Steel Block nodded at the commander. “Yes, sir-ee.”
“Which is where exactly?” Mercury sighed tiredly as if this was the thousandth time she tried asking. In fairness, knowing how nosy she could get it very well could have been.
“Wouldn’t be a secret if I told you, now would it?” the large stallion smiled before looking up to Who. “If you change your mind about the weekend off, commander, you can come round for a beer.”
“Him you invite to your secret holiday destination!?” Mercury exclaimed.
“Him I can trust.”
“Ugh.” Giving a frustrated sigh, Mercury finally looked straight at Discord. “What about you, Dissy?”
“I’m going to start with getting some work done.” Discord said with an air of strange responsibility. “Weekend plans come after.” Holding up one and he grinned broadly and snapped his fingers. With a flash of light, he vanished.
“Well, that’s not ominous at all.” Brute Force chuckled sarcastically as he started walking.
Buckshot and Mercury followed him. As they moved down the corridor, Brute slipped over the trail of soap Discord ‘forgot’ to clean up, cursing as he collapsed.
Meanwhile, Steel Block moved closer to Commander Who, watching as Brute Force struggled to climb to his hooves again.
“Invitation stands, commander.” He re-iterated.
“Thanks, private. But another time maybe.” Who answered. While he didn’t really want to take the time off, he was still curious about Steel Block. “Hey, Steel? What is your secret hideaway?”
Steel Block let a very slow smile spread over his face. “You’re the first to ask me that. Everypony always asks where it is.” Looking up at the human, he explained: “It’s normal life. I rent a room, I read a book, I spend time with my marefriend. Just... y’know. Pretend to be a normal stallion for a few days.”
Thinking about it, Who figured that was a really good holiday concept. Just sit back, take your mind off your duty, your responsibilities; maybe even your destiny. Who wondered how he could possibly do that though. The concept was nice, but execution was a whole different story.
Maybe he could buy a small cottage, his savings weren’t too shabby. He could settle in, spend his shore-leave there with a girlfriend…
Though that would be a bit hard for the commander. There weren’t a great many human women around. Though by that I mean to say there weren’t any.
Thinking about it, maybe all of that was hard for Commander Who. He wasn’t good at anything beyond being a Royal Guard. He figured he’d be terrible at taking time off. Since everything he did in Equestria ponies could quite literally do much better than him, working a job he was actually better at than his pony colleagues was what made him happy. An ego-motivated concept, sure; but it gave him a sense of purposes. If he took a holiday, he’d be lost. He’d go crazy in hours.
Eventually he figured holidays just weren’t for him. “That sounds nice. Take care, private.” Commander Who dismissed himself, navigating his way back to his office.
“You too, commander.”