//------------------------------// // The Usual Spiel // Story: In Good Company // by PseudoFiction //------------------------------// The Usual Spiel The foal was tiny. Everything about him was tiny. Gangly little legs, puny wings that fluttered like a nervous tick; he barely stood up to Brute Force’s fetlock. So naturally he was practically a speck of brown and white when compared to Steel Block. But it wasn’t the fact he was being towered over by two guardsponies that got him crying. It couldn’t have been, since the duo had found him like that. He was practically flooding the hallway with tears. Brute Force had made a crack about somepony fetching a mop, only serving to increase the waterworks and earning the private a buck in the ribs from Steel Block. “Oh, c’mon, kid. It’s okay if you don’t understand my jokes.” Brute Force tried as the foal’s cries echoed through the palace halls. “I’m kind of high-brow like that.” He gave a big cheesy grin. It didn’t work. “I want my mommy-eeeeee!” the foal wailed. “Don’t we all?” Brute Force muttered with a chuckle. What followed was a distinct clang of metal on metal as Steel Block’s hoof met his friend’s helmet again. Seeing Brute recoil from the blow, the foal managed to stop crying long enough to see Steel Block lower himself to the ground. Tucking his armoured hooves under himself, the way he sat certainly made himself less intimidating, especially since he’d removed his helmet and lowered his head. “Hey, why don’t you calm down and tell us what happened?” Steel Block said in a soft, soothing voice that didn’t quite go with his imposing build. Sniffling loudly, the foal rubbed some of the tears from his cheeks, looking up at Steel Block. “I was on a tour with my mommy. But I went to look at something and when I came back everypony was gone!” his lip started to tremble. “What if she doesn’t know I’m gone? What if she leaves without meeeee!?” again the flood-gates opened. Despite that Steel Block smiled and gave a chuckle. “Easy, kid! Easy. It’s okay, I’m sure she knows you’re gone and she’s looking for you right now. I bet she’s not that far away either.” “How do you know?” the foal sniffed. “I’m a guardpony.” Steel reasoned. “I know everything. My friend though, he’s a one-of-a-kind dummy though.” The foal giggled, earning a roll of Brute Force’s eyes. “Oh, his jokes you laugh at? Fine, you want juvenile? Here, let’s get juvenile.” Brute Force started pulling faces. He stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes, flapping his ears wildly. Though it was intended to look funny… Well, the foal’s fresh cries of terror properly described how scary it was. Jumping to his hooves, Steel Block snapped: “Brute, what the heck are you doing?” – Brute continued pulling faces, causing the foal to shrink in fear against one of Steel’s armoured legs – “Brute, you’re scaring the poor kid…” – rolling his eyes, Brute stuck out his tongue and peeled back his nose pulling a particularly terrifying face – “Scratch that, you’re scaring me too.” A whimper caught Steel Block’s attention and he saw the foal was trying to hide behind him. Grinning, Steel Block sighed. “Don’t worry kid.” Reaching out he cuffed Brute over the helmet again. “There, the scary faces are gone.” When Brute Force felt the ringing in his ears from that last blow fade, Steel Block added: “You’re kind of crud with kids, aren’t you?” – Brute Force shrugged as Steel lowered himself beside the foal again – “Don’t worry about my friend, kid. He’s an idiot. How about we find your mom, eh? She can’t have gotten too far. C’mon, you can ride on my back.” “Really?” that seemed to brighten the foal’s expression quite a bit. Clearly he was a fan of pony-back rides. “Hop aboard, cap’n!” Steel Smiled. The foal didn’t hesitate. It took a bit of a run up, but he managed to jump on the stallion’s armoured back with a good bounce. As soon as he landed, Steel Block pretended to groan and stumble before slowly straightening up on shaking legs. “Whoa-ho-ho. You are a heavy stallion. Sheesh!” Steel Block cried out as he slotted his helmet back on his head. “You work out much?” “I like doing potato-sack races!” the foal beamed proudly flexing a foreleg. “Yeah, buddy! It shows!” Steel Block chuckled as he started moving. With Brute following with a fascinated expression on his face, the private trotted the way the foal had come before breaking down in tears in front of them. “Look at you! I should be sitting on your back!” The foal giggled as they trotted around a corner following the next stretch of hallway. Tall stained glass windows, murals and empty suits of ancient armour passed them by as they moved searching. All three of their heads swivelled to look in every open door and ever branching hallway as they trotted swiftly through the palace. Eventually, their search paid off. “Thimble!” a mare’s voice cried. “There you are.” Trotting to a halt, the two guardsponies turned around a corner where the voice was coming from. Not far away there was a tour-group of ponies, most of them with cameras dangling around their necks. A few of the unicorns quickly snapped pictures of the two guardsponies with the foal. “Mommy!” the foal cried happily sliding from Steel Block’s back. Breaking from the tour group a plump grayish-earth-brown pegasus nearly galloped right into the two stallions standing to either side of her son, Thimble. “I’ve looked everywhere for you! Where did you go?” Thimble’s mother fussed, nuzzling the tiny pegasus’ messy mane. Satisfied her son was safe and intact she looked up to Brute Force and Steel Block. “I’m so sorry he had to bother you.” “Oh, it’s alright, ma’am.” Brute Force grinned politely. “We love kids, right Steel?” Steel Block didn’t answer. Instead he lowered his head down to Thimble’s level. "Alright, buddy. You stay close to your mother now, okay?” – the foal nodded quickly – “Good boy. Top shelf!” he added holding out his hoof. Smiling broadly the foal met the guardspony’s hoof with a light bump. “Hahaa! Alright!” grinning to Thimble’s mother who was beaming, Steel Block gave a polite nod. “Enjoy the tour, ma’am.” Thanking them both, the mare took her son back to the tour group, and the privates watched the civilians go. Though Brute Force wasn’t watching them. He still had a fascinated expression on his face as he looked sideways at his friend. “I had no idea you were good with foals.” Brute Force admitted. “I learned it from you.” “Really? Cool…” Brute Force looked proud of himself for a moment… before he realised what Steel Block was implying. “Heeeeey!” ~~~ Private Mercury was like a fly on the wall. She was a ghost in the shadows. Unseen. Unnoticeable. Pressed up against the wall with her head peeking around the corner, she was like a super-spy overhearing secret plans of pure evil. A super-hero ready to pounce on a villain plotting global domination. She was ready for anything. “Hi, Merc!” “Gah!” the mare squealed girlishly – a tone unbefitting of her athletic build. Whirling around she saw Steel Block standing behind her, Brute Force grinning like an idiot by his side. “What’cha up ‘ta?” Brute asked. “Don’t answer that.” Steel Block jokingly warned. “Something tells me I don’t want to know.” Mercury immediately shushed them. “Sssshhhhhh!” she gestured them to keep their voices down as she peeked around the corner again. Steel and Brute glanced at each other before sneaking over and joining her. Brute Force popped his head around underneath Mercury’s, with Steel Block peeking around above. And the first thing they saw was Sergeant Who standing down the corridor, just inside of earshot. “Oh, you have got to get a life.” Brute Force whispered realising Mercury had been spying on the human. “Look who’s with him.” Mercury lowered her voice ominously identifying the lavender blob beside the NCO. “Sparkle.” It wasn’t that she was sparkling. It was her name. The unicorn standing beside Who was Twilight Sparkle. The same lavender unicorn with the pink streak in her hair from Ponyville. The same protégé of Princess Celestia. The same sister of Captain-slash-Prince Shining Armour. Down the hall, neither of them were aware of the earth-ponies spying on them and they conversed calmly. “I don’t know how I can thank you properly, sir.” Twilight said with a bright smile. Who barely reacted. He was standing in his usual eased stance, feet spaced comfortably with his back straight and hands clasped behind his back. “Pease, Miss Sparkle. No need to call me sir, I work for a living. It’s just Who.” “In that case you should call me Twilight.” Twilight Sparkle responded; liking that. “So thank you, Who.” “It was the least I could do, ma’am… er… Twilight.” The sergeant quickly corrected. “I know! I could make this up to you. The next time you have time off why don’t you come down to Ponyville? My friends and I could show you around. There’s plenty to do for a relaxing weekend away.” It seemed the human actually thought it over for a second. But only for a second. “We’ll see, ma’am.” Twilight seemed pleased with the answer since it wasn’t a no. “Look forward to it. How about I go get Shining Armour while you prepare?” Back up the hall, Mercury scowled as she realised the two of them were getting all buddy-buddy. Pulling a face like she had just bitten into a rotten lemon, the mare gritted her teeth. “They’re up to something. They’re planning something against the captain. And we’re going to find out what!” “Why? It’s not like Miss Sparkle would let Who do anything harmful to her older brother.” Brute Force reasoned cleverly. “Brute’s right.” Steel Block agreed. “I am?” “Don’t get used to it.” Steel Block added so his friend wouldn’t get too excited. “Anyway, they’re probably just working out what to get him for his birthday or something.” “We have to be sure. For the sake of Equestria!” Mercury raised her voice dramatically. Steel Block had a much more interesting case to solve. “Here’s a more interesting mystery. Why does Merc care so much? What are you; jealous Who’s spending time with another mare?” “Jealous!? Ha! What does the little bookworm have that I could possibly be jealous of?” “Other than a large amount of friends, impressive magical prowess, national hero status, vast intellect and infinite relationship possibilities thanks to a likeable personality? Oh; nothing.” Steel jibed with a grin. “Ah, what do you know…?” Mercury trailed off as she saw Twilight Sparkle canter out of sight leaving the sergeant alone. “Oooh, here’s our chance. Follow me.” Steel and Brute looked at each other while Mercury slipped around the corner and crept up behind the sergeant on tip-hooves. Shrugging, the stallions quickly followed, curious to see how this would turn out. No doubt badly for Mercury, but they wanted to be around when this all exploded in her face. Sergeant Who watched Twilight Sparkle trot around a corner to fetch the captain. Turning, he went to see to his own business when he stopped. Three figures stood between him and the door he was intending to open. Three figures known for shenanigans. It was no wonder Who’s hand instinctively rested on the hilt of his sword. “Hi, sarge.” Mercury greeted. Her voice was dripping with something, the sergeant just hadn’t figured out what yet. “How are you doing?” The human sighed. “And shouldn’t you be doing something useful with your life?” “Eavesdropping is totally useful.” Private Mercury defended as she nodded in the direction Miss Sparkle had disappeared. “What was that all about?” “I was escorting Miss Twilight Sparkle.” Who answered honestly. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was all the trio needed to know. “Looked like it... not fooling around with the captain’s little sister, are you?” Mercury suddenly blurted out. “What?” Brute Force squeaked hearing that. Mercury continued regardless. “... sittin’ in a tree together practicing your Francais...?” “Merc, are you serious?” Brute snickered figuring she couldn’t be. “... maybe re-arranging her collection of various mistletoe sub-species?” Realising she was being serious, Brute Force’s expression drooped. “Merc, you’re scaring me.” – he looked up to the human and reconsidered the phrase – “Scratch that, sarge is scaring me now.” Who certainly didn’t look happy. His eyebrows were knit together, narrowing his eyes venomously. It was the first time any of them had ever seen him angry. And they didn’t like it one bit… well, Steel and Brute didn’t. Mercury didn’t seem to care either way. “What do you want, private?” “I want all the soggy, squishy details.” Mercury said in a hushed voice. Who sighed as he weighed his three choices. One; he could lodge a formal complaint with her commanding officer suggesting a reprimand. Two; he could ignore the blatant insubordination, pull rank and force her to scram. Or three; death threats. The first two were unsatisfying, so he went with door-number-three. “Private, I have a sword. I will use it on you if you don’t go away now.” Who warned as he let his glare ease. Mercury didn’t move with a confident grin on her face. And she didn’t look like she was going to believe any of Who’s threats. She stood her ground, even though even Steel Block was shifting uncomfortably. Sergeant Who glanced the way Twilight had gone. Any minute now she’d return with Shiny, and if the captain saw him everything would be ruined. “Fine.” He hissed stepping past the ponies. Reaching the door across the corridor he quickly wrenched it open and waved them in. “You wanna know what I was seeing Twilight Sparkle for? All your details are inside.” The three earth-ponies frowned, peering into the room beyond the door. It was dark inside. Pitch black in fact. They couldn’t see a thing. “Well?” Who continued urgently. Sharing a few confused glances, the three ponies shrugged and trotted over, filing into the dark room. As they entered, they glanced back to see Who’s silhouette slip in behind them before the door closed. Without the rectangle of light spilling into the room, none of the earth-ponies could see anything. Mercury held up her hoof to her face, but she couldn’t even see that. “Hey, why is it so dark in here?” she suddenly squeaked as something hard bumped into her rump. It didn’t move though, remaining planted on her armoured flank. “Hey, whose hoof is that? Brute, is that you?” “Mmaaaaybeee.” Came Brute Force’s foalishly sheepish voice. Slap! The sound pierced through the silent darkness, followed quickly by Steel Block’s voice. “Ow! The hay, Merc!?” “Oops. Sorry, Steel” Mercury apologised quickly fumbling in the dark. “Where are you Brute? Time for your medicine!” Slap! Another crack of a hoof meeting a pony. Only this time it wasn’t a familiar voice that replied. “Ow!” came a high-pitched squeal. Startled, Mercury froze. “What the-… who the hay is that?” “Pinkie Pie!” the voice replied in the darkness. “What the heck is a Pinkie Pie!?” The trio heard the door open once again spilling a rectangle of light into the darkness. Standing framed in the doorway was a distinct unicorn’s figure. Captain Shining Armour was impossible mistake – standing there about as confused and stunned as Privates Brute Force, Mercury and Steel Block. Shining Armour’s reaction mirrored that of the privates as he was pushed inside. “Hey, why is it so dark in he-…” the captain didn’t get to finish. “SURPRISE!” three dozen voices – maybe even more – cheered as one while the lights flicked on all at once. The three privates felt their hearts stop. And they weren’t the only ones in shock. As the lights in the room flashed on they could distinctly see Captain Shining Armour was stunned. His mane stood on end, his horn sparking with surprise like he was on the verge of charging up a defensive spell – the sight of many ponies throwing confetti and streamers the only thing stopping him from blasting everypony. His eyes were like dishes, and they imagined he would have been screaming ‘ambush’ were it not for the banners reading ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHINING ARMOUR’ hanging from the ceiling. Turning on the spot, Brute Force managed to take in the other surprise party guests before he noticed a distinct flash of light. Sergeant Who was standing nearby with a camera in his hands. His finger pounded the shutter and the device let off a click, firing out a sharp flash of light to illuminate a single moment in time. With a whir a picture popped out of the slot underneath the lens, which the sergeant snatched up and gave a shake as the polaroid faded from black into a recognisable image. Forever the captain’s surprised expression would be immortalised in the colourful polaroid. A picture Who might hang up in the barracks for all to marvel at for the next few weeks. Shining Armour wasn’t alone in the image though. Twilight Sparkle had photo-bombed him, jumping on her brother’s back just as Who had snapped the image. Looking up from the picture as he pocketed it and tucked away the camera, Sergeant Who saw Twilight was hugging her brother tightly; the captain smiling now too. “Happy birthday, big-brother-best-friend-forever!” Twilight Sparkle cried. Shining Armour could barely form words to express himself at first. Eventually though he was able to muddle together an intelligible sentence. “Wow, Twiley! I had no idea… did you set all this up?” Twilight nodded and shook her head at the same time. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Sergeant Who’s help!” she added enthusiastically. Following her glance towards the human, Shining Armour shot the sergeant a mock glare. Grinning, Who just folded his arms across his chest and shrugged. In moments the party was already in full swing. Twilight’s friend Pinkie Pie was setting up a boombox beating out tunes while Rarity – in an elegant dress fit for royalty – was encouraging some ponies on the dance-floor. Her other friends were there too; Applejack helping guests at the buffet, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were breaking out some of the games, staring with a round of pin-the-tail-on-the-pony. A crowd was forming around Shining Armour as he crossed the room slowly; being wished a happy birthday from everypony. Who calmly made his way to the edge of the room and leaned up against one of the pillars set into the walls. Planting his right boot sole-flat up against the brickwork, the human stood by in a lonely relaxed fashion watching the party carry on. If anypony were to ask him, he’d probably tell them he didn’t like parties very much. The truth of the matter was he felt a little like a fish out of water. In his homeworld the party would have descended into a drunken mess by now. This party on the other hand was so pleasant, it was kind of a shock to the system – regardless how much time he’d spent in Equestria thus far. Glancing to his side he saw a figure trot up beside him. It was Private Brute Force. His helmet was hanging from one of the pouches mounted on his armour, revealing a rather innocent expression on his face. He was up to something; that much was evident. “Sorry we were eaves-dropping on you earlier, sarge. Mercury had us convinced you were planning to assassinate the captain and take his place.” Brute Force lied with a straight face. “I’ll never doubt you again sarge. I got your back.” Who narrowed his eyes, sensing a ruse. Brute wouldn’t suck up like that unless he had an agenda. “What do you want, private?” Blinking a few times, the pony quickly averted his gaze and locked on to a bowl of fruity looking liquid. “Hey, is that punch?” Ah, that’s what he’s after. Who saw the private look up at him innocently like a loyal dog waiting for permission to go chase after a squirrel. Who gave a short nod, quickly adding a condition. “Don’t make yourself sick.” With a big smile, the private zipped across the room faster than any pegasus could have. He was practically swimming in the punch bowl within seconds, scooping himself up a big glass right to the rim. Another patter of hooves caught the sergeant’s attention, and looking to his other side he saw Mercury and Steel Block trot up to his side. Steel had that usual neutral expression, but Mercury was looking pretty disappointed with herself. “So you were just planning a surprise birthday party with Twilight Sparkle?” the mare asked. Who nodded. “Well what else would we have been doing?” he asked with a shrug. Mercury grinned at that, tapping her lip with a hoof thoughtfully. “I can think of a thing or two... so, uh...” she added a little timidly batting her eyes up at the human. “Since Twilight Sparkle is strictly business – you’re still single then?” “Eey-nnope.” Who snapped before straightening up and walking away. “W-wait… what?” Mercury blinked a few times as she watched the human go. She hadn’t heard anything about the sergeant having a marefriend. When did that happen? Quickly she turned her panicked expression. “Do you know about this?” Steel Block didn’t meet her eye. “Maybe.” “Seriously, he has a marefriend? Who is it? Where does she live? Who do I have to murder? Do you know?” she quickly fired off one question after the other, causing them to nearly blur together. “Eey-nnope.” Steel Block answered in a similar fashion to the sergeant before trotting off with a sly smirk. Suddenly realising they were jerking her around, Mercury scoffed with a sarcastic nod. “Oh… right. I see what’s going on. That’s cute. Very clever. Two of you in cahoots. I see now who my real friends are!” she cried slyly after Steel Block as he bowed gracefully to a particularly pretty mare in a dress; offering a dance. Mercury’s view of the stallion being escorted to the dance floor was obscured when Brute Force trotted across her line of sight. “Hey, Brute…” she called moving forward. As she moved, she intended to reach out and buck him lightly in the shoulder to get the stallion’s attention. Her hoof missed though, and she knocked the plastic cup balanced on his back to one side. His glass of punch scattered across the floor and Brute Force watched – stunned – as his precious drink spread out into an un-enjoyable puddle. His lip trembled. A twitch of the eye. And then a single droplet of water. A single neat tear rolled from the corner of his eye down his cheek. Rounding on Mercury, Brute Force looked like he was on the verge of bawling like the foal he and Steel Block had found lost in the palace earlier that day. “This is why we can’t have nice things!” Mercury’s hoof met her own helmet with a distinct clang. “Oh, brother…” Meanwhile across the room, Who’s progress was halted. He had been intending to go wish the captain a happy birthday before taking his leave. After all, he had more ‘officer-assessments’ in the morning to prepare for. He was foiled however by a voice. It was quite bubbly and kind, but it still held a regal air expected of a figure with authority. Missing a step, Who turned to see Princess Mi Amore Cadenza trotting towards him, calling out to him at the same time. Princess Cadence – as she preferred to be called – was always a bit of a recluse to the sergeant. It wasn’t that he doubted her worthy of the title ‘princess,’ it was just the title seemed just a title for her. He wasn’t sure what it was Cadence actually did. Princess Celestia ruled over the day. Princess Luna ruled over the night. But Princess Cadence? Who had heard some stuff about her spreading love everywhere she went, but beyond that he knew nothing about her. He figured the brass didn’t want to burden all guard divisions with the details of every member of the regal family. So whatever Princess Cadence actually did, that much was the Cadenza Guard’s problem – as much as whatever it was Prince Blueblood actually did was the Blueblood Guard’s problem. Having said that, Who knew darn well that Blueblood really didn’t do anything. Princess Cadence was built very much like Princesses Celestia and Luna, while significantly shorter. Her tiara was less extravagant, and she opted for a more conventional mane over the magical aura that gave the other two princesses their god-like appearance. Still, she was a colourful alicorn. Light rose coat and two varying shades in her mane and tail with a streak of gold run through. Who always thought her voice was quite bubbly. No surprise, since he thought she looked bubbly too. Quickly turning to face the princess, Who tried to bow. She didn’t let him. “Sergeant, this is wonderful. Thank you so much for organising this surprise!” the princess said cheerfully. Before he could stop her she lifted her head high and nuzzled Who’s exposed neck. Saving face – and trying to keep her horn from having his eyes out – Who quickly stepped back. Who figured it was too late to stand at attention, so he stood at ease. “It was nothing, your highness.” The sergeant admitted with an air of humility. “I just organised the venue and logistics. Twilight Sparkle did most of the heavy lifting.” “Then I shall thank her immediately.” The princess announced, right before adding playfully: “Right after I’m done thanking you.” Once again she was moving faster than the sergeant could react, and Who was cursing himself for letting himself be blind-sided by a pampered princess. He was a soldier for cripes-sake! He was supposed to be blind-siding her. Rearing back, Cadence spread out her wings for balance and planted her golden hooves on the human’s armoured chest. Craning her neck she gave him a thankful peck on the cheek, causing the guard to visibly flinch. She didn’t notice however as she dropped down and happily trotted off to find Twilight Sparkle. Left standing there quite stunned, Who felt like he was expelling dragon-fire out every pore on his face. He must have been noticeably red because there was a laugh beside him. Turning his head he saw Shining Armour had been standing beside him. “Yeah, she has that effect on me too.” The captain chuckled as the human quickly composed himself. “So! Throwing a surprise party for your commanding officer? I think this might just affect your assessment, sergeant.” “… shut up and have some cake, sir.”