//------------------------------// // The Most Amazingly Artificial Chapter Ever // Story: The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever // by InvertedInflux //------------------------------// Still here are we? Good. I'm starting to feel, dare I say it? Lonely. I normally don't get lonely back on Earth, even with my parents gone (This is the part when you're meant to feel sad for me– because copious amounts of feels are required in these stupid Fics). So yeah, I'd be fine– whether it was blazing with my homies or chilling at home with the dog. Although, I never actually played with the dog: that time was dedicated to things I feel would bump this story up to a Mature rating. So we shan't go there. So I'm all lonely now. It's not so much the fact there are ponies and no humans, more the fact that the pricks are all ignoring me. Elements of Friendship? Yeah, that can fuck right off. Some of the bastards haven't even said “hi”. What about that Seventh Element shit? If this plan fails then Equestria's Destruction can be blamed on them. Especially Pinkie Pie. That motherfucker. They're just pretending to be sad as they say goodbye to their friends. I know that really, they're glad to be rid of them for a while. As am I; I think Doctor Whooves spread the word around about my attempted sexual assault. Well I say attempted assault but we all know really I was dancing. Don't we? Guys? Guys! On a completely random side note, Whooves is still fit. As fuck. Now they look at me like I'm some sort of registered sex offender. Now I bet you're thinking they're probably right but honestly, I am clean in that area of the field. But only in this world. One quick glance at my record would tell you more than you need to know... Anyway, it seems like they are done leaking fake tears. Seriously Applejack I bet Applebloom can't wait to be rid of you. The one who looks literally like they're this close from suicide is Scootaloo who I swear has a fetish for Rainbow Dash. Ah Scootaloo, if only you could read all those explicit Fics between you and Dash. I reckon it would turn you on big time. Oh those were the days indeed. When I had a penis. Oh. *** “Goodbye Owlowiscious, I'll miss you,” says the unicorn that nobody cares about anymore. “Yeah whatever, nobody gives a shit; Spike's where it's at,” I say rudely, asserting my dominance. At the sound of his name, Spike waddles over. Come to think of it, he's pretty fat. I blame Twilight for overfeeding him the ungrateful bitch. Oh and for the constant domestic abuse. Come on, I bet she beats him when she's bored. “Goodbye sir, hopefully I'll see you some time soon!” says Spike. Finally! Someone who has a little respect for me. And it came from a dragon not a stupid pony. You know what I'm going to say now, it's too beautiful to ignore: Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit. Which it 100% does. Spike is the bomb around here. I wish he could come too. Bit of lad banter here and there. He's probably ploughed Rarity numerous times and has many stories to tell. “Why thank you, Sir Spike. I wish also to see you again.” See? Spike gets the sophisticated voice. And what. “Okay, we really must be going,” says the lavender thing. And... BAM We're outside the damn Everfree forest. Well again there was a boring walk over, where they again practically ignored me, but that was boring. So I skipped it. I skip a lot I just realised. So yeah, Everfree. It's always this damn place. Where apparently it's all creepy as shit but nothing bad ever actually happens. Hopefully that will change. Their idea of scariness is trees. Yes that's right. Trees. Trees with faces? Woah back the fuck up that shit's nasty. Oh wait, still not scary. Trees. Fucking. Trees. If this is what I have to put up with I'm gonna strangle something. Preferably Pinkie. “You do know that from where I come from, the clouds always move on their own?” I ask as we enter the dreaded forest. When I heard that in the show I almost died of the dumbfuckery emitting from the screen. Dumbfuckery is up there with like Gamma radiation in terms of deadliness. Again I got the usual response of fuck-all. What gives? Has Celestia told them about my rude language? Let's find out. “FUCKING CUNTS!” No response. “COCKSUCKING SHITS! RETARDED GLOBULES OF PISS! TWATS OF UNRIVALLED MAGNITUDE!” “Do ya mind shutting the hay up?” asks Applejack. “Ya'll alert the monsters.” “I don't like the scary monsters,” says Fluttershy. “Quite,” says Rarity. “I like everything!” says Pinkie Pie. “I can handle them anyway,” says Rainbow Dash. (Prick). “I could collect samples,” says Twilight Sparkle. “I'm sorry, did I say you cunts could speak? Didn't think so,” I cut across. “Could ya at least lower ya voice?” the overly orange pony asks. “Ok WankerJack,” I whisper. Sweet Mother Mary this is already unbearable. I want to scream. I would scream if I weren't to get told off for making a noise. Like I give a fuck. I'm sure the monsters would understand my flow and uber-coolness and go for them instead. Okay, I need to choose a plan of action for the rest of this trek. 1) They all shut the fuck up and worship me (Preferred choice) 2) I continue being abusive and they continue being shitstains. 3) We become best friends, make beautiful love, forge the elements of harmony and kick ass. Okay you probably can guess which one I chose. That's right, Number 1. Unfortunately that's not likely to happen so we'll make do with 2/3. Make it err, 2.5. They can be friendly, I can still be a bastard. Success. “Okay gals, why are you not being friendly to me?” Friendship is magic? Nope. More like Racism is Magic. Just cause I'm human. Well, not anymore. Also, still no penis. Damn them all to hell. “Well, you haven't been that friendly yourself,” says the abomination of technicolour known as Rainbow Dash. Fucking bitch... I swear she should be denied the right to live. Actually wait, to be fair, I haven't been that nice. Now this is the part where I could change my ways completely, or just pretend to change them. Yeah, let's do that. Okay, let's pretend to be nice for a bit. Butter them up. “I'm sorry, I'm just really uncomfortable over here. I'm really far from home. I miss my family." I proceed to cry. And yes, these tears are legitimate. Although, they had been building up ever since I lost a certain sexual organ. They have nothing to do with home. Ah, I knew they couldn't be twats for long. They're all smothering me now, got those stupid cute faces on, saying sorry. I know this isn't entirely accurate but let's just say... I've pulled. Well that was easy, my play-acting is definitely back on track now. Although I think it worked too well; I'm starting to suffocate here. “Can we start over again?” I asked, making my now ridiculously sized eyes even bigger. For added emotional impact. You can never have enough emotional impact. “Of course!” “Now let's go beat up that tool Discord.” “Beat up? Are you sure? We could just make him say sorry,” says Fluttershy timidly. “Did I fucking stutter?!"