//------------------------------//
// Helloooo, Human! 
// Story: The Incredibly Interesting Date with the Non-Winning Human 
// by BronyWriter 
//------------------------------//

"Well, it could work."

Blossomforth glanced up at me from the menu she was reading and scowled at me. "Or he could be just as unappreciative of it now as he was at the Gala."

It was a quiet Wednesday evening, and my best friend Blossomforth and I were relaxing in a small cafe after work. The day had not been a particularly taxing one, but we were both grateful to be done with it. Blossomforth was still agonizing over which item she wanted, but I had long since ordered a salad. In my boredom, my eyes had wandered around the town square. They had landed on Ponyville's resident human, TD. 

Now, I hadn't heard the official story of why he was in Equestria. As far as the town was concerned he had just shown up one day. The boss' friends had kept the exact reasons to themselves, though. What wasn't a secret was that Princess Celestia had told him at the Gala that she couldn't send him back to his home world of Earp, or something like that, and he was now stuck in Equestria for good. 

I leaned back in my seat and a smirk crossed my face. "I'm just saying that since he's here now, there isn't any reason why he wouldn't want to integrate himself into pony society a little more. I mean, he's roughly our age if I understand right. He should be on the prowl for some action, and I think that I'm just the mare to help him out a little."

Blossomforth sighed and placed her menu back on the table. "I doubt it. You know this is the being that punched Princess Celestia in the face twice, right?"

"Well it's not like I did anything to get on his bad side," I pointed out. "Besides, it'd be good for him. He could blow off some steam."

"And I'm telling you that he's going to be unreceptive." Blossom's eyes trailed over to TD as he manned the local apple farmer's stand. "Just because he's here for good doesn't mean that he's willing to mate with the first thing that asks." 

"Technically he didn't say no at the Gala." I stood up. "I'm gonna go ask him."

"He hardly knows you."

"Which means that he's aware that it would just be a one-time thing to relieve stress." I stretched my wings out. "It'll only take a second."

Blossomforth rolled her eyes as I confidently trotted over to the Apple stand. TD was casually leaning against it, but straightened up when he saw me coming. "Hello," he greeted. "Here to buy some apples?"

"Actually, I'm here to talk to you." I stopped in front of the stand and gave him my best grin. 

TD's eyes narrowed suspiciously and he took a step backwards. I guess he remembered me. "You're that mare that wanted to, how did you put it, 'bang' at the Gala, right?" 

I inclined my head. "Nice to know I made an impact."

"I'm not gonna do it with you, if that's what you want to know," he said flatly. "I'm not into ponies."

I raised a hoof defensively. "Hey, I'm not so mono-dimensional that I'd only come to you to talk to you about that. I'm actually here to ask you if you're doing anything Friday night." My face became sympathetic. "I heard about what happened with the Gala... well, more specifically I was there and watched you punch Princess Celestia, and I just want to make sure that you feel welcome here now that you're living here."

"Still not gonna do it with you," he repeated. 

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I already said that I'm not here for that. I just wanted to buy you a drink this Friday." I cut him off as he opened his mouth again. "It's strictly platonic." Unless the night goes well for me I mentally added. If not, well, it should still be fun.

At any rate, TD, while still a bit suspicious, slowly nodded his head. "If it's platonic, then sure. Friday night." 

My grin widened. "Excellent. I'll meet you at your place, okay? I know all of the best bars around here."

With a goodbye I trotted back over to Blossomforth. She glanced up at me when she saw me coming, and rolled her eyes when she noticed my grin. "I've still got it," I chuckled. 

Blossom scoffed and motioned over to my food, which had arrived by this point. "I still don't really know why you'd do it in the first place. I mean come on, are you really so shallow that you'd try to bang an emotionally distraught guy to get a new notch on your wall?

I sat back down on my chair and shook my head. "Of course not. It's going to be a strictly platonic date. If he agrees to bang afterwards then all the better for me. If not, well then at least I can hope that the two of us can have a good time. Maybe he can relax a bit more, knowing that life here isn't so bad."


*  *  *  *


Friday came, and with it, TD. I trotted up to his humble house and rapped on the door three times. It was only a few seconds before the human in question opened it, bearing that cautious look that he had had when he agreed to go out with me. I flashed him my best excited, but placating, grin. "You ready to go, TD?"

"Yep." 

It was hard not to notice that he was acting much more subdued than I was used to seeing him. This was the being that had punched Princess Celestia in the face and gotten his spine snapped by Princess Luna after all. He didn't seem angry at me, aside from the fact that he seemed a tad anxious, but it almost looked like he was studying me somehow. I supposed that I should have been pretty nervous about that, but he wasn't making an issue of anything so far. 

We reached the Blue Moon bar after a short, silent walk. He stepped a few paces forward and opened the door for me. I thanked him and entered the bar, him following not long after. 

The bar itself was far more subdued than a lot of the places I liked going to. There was no flashy music, strobe lights, fog machines, and ponies just looking for a bang about. Don't get me wrong, if I wanted to pick up somepony to bang while I was here, it would be easy. I wasn't here for that, though. I was here for a completely platonic date with TD. 

The bartender nodded to me when I came in. "Heya, Cloud. The usual?" 

I smiled at him and nodded. "Sure thing." I jerked my head over to TD. "Same for him."

TD raised his eyebrow at me. "What is the usual, might I ask?" 

I chuckled and motioned over to an empty booth for two. "Nothing too elaborate. It's just some cider with a few berry flavors to round it out nicely. I'm fully capable of drinking the harder stuff but..." I shrugged. 

"It's not that kind of night," he finished for me.

"As you like it," I replied. A sly grin crossed my face. "Having said that, it could be if you wanted."

The corner of TD's mouth turned upwards in a half-amused smirk as the bartender placed two of the drinks in front of us. I thanked him and tossed a few bits onto his tray before hooking my foreleg into the handle and inclining my head towards TD. He grabbed his cup and copied my motion before the two of us began drinking. I downed half of mine in one gulp, while he took moderate sips. I snorted and put my mug down. "It's not laced with anything, if that's what you're wondering."

TD's smirk widened. "I know. I've always been the kind of guy who has to take it slow in the beginning." He shrugged and took a bigger gulp. "My body needs to be eased into this kind of thing."

I cocked my head. "It's not that strong."

"I know, but I assume that this isn't the only drink that I'm going to be having tonight, is it?"

I flashed my grin again. "I wouldn't count on it."

I drained the rest of my mug while he took another gulp. He placed his mug back down on the table, and leaned back against the seat. "So, Ms. Kicker, do you know why I agreed to go on this 'platonic' date with you?"

I frowned as I placed my own cup on the table. "I'll ask your opinion if you agree to never call me 'Ms. Kicker' again."

He flicked one hand up in concession. "Fair enough, but that doesn't answer my question. I mean, it's obvious that I wasn't so into the idea of any kind of physical relationship with you at the Gala." He scratched the scruff on his chin and leaned his head against his hand. "So, I'm curious about your perspective."

I thoughtfully tapped my lower jaw and leaned my head back. "I think if I had to guess it would be because you don't want to be a prude who alienates the town. I mean, if you're going to be here for a while, there's not need to present yourself as just some aloof guy who isn't looking for friends." I grinned again. "Or you secretly do want me and you're just making excuses to see me."

He had drained his mug as I was talking, so I motioned for two more ciders. "It's an interesting thought," he conceded, "and I admit that, aside from the banging part because no, it certainly plays a small part in it. Just because I know what you're after doesn't mean that I can't have a good time."

I leaned forward. "And what am I after?"

"I think you want this night to end with us going to one of our houses and rutting until neither of us could see straight." He chuckled and made room for the fresh mug of cider that was coming. "Do I have you pegged right?"

"I have to admit that it would be a high end to the evening." My vaguely amused smirk fell into a frown. "Though I'm curious as to why this has turned into an analysis about my lifestyle. I feel kinda judged here."

TD's eyes widened. "What? No! I'm not here to judge you. You think I was friends with a few people who enjoyed a good bang every now and again? I've made lewd jokes plenty of times." He relaxed his stance a little. "Believe you me, if I was really so offended by your behavior, I'd have simply walked out. I'm not trying to be Dr. Freud here, I really am curious."

"So does that mean maybe?" 

"No."

I snorted, but waited until the bartender had placed two more ciders in front of us to continue talking. "Yeah, well, it would still be a good idea for you to blow off some steam, even if it doesn't involve banging."

"I'll concede the point, but if we did that, it wouldn't be the first such outing that had begun platonic and ended in bed, right?" 

"No," I admitted with more than a hint of pride, "but I want to make one thing clear: I'm not that kind of mare. I'm not gonna get you drunk then take advantage of you while you're not thinking straight. That would be in poor taste and it would break some of my rules. If the night does end that way, now or for any platonic outings, I'm not gonna be the pony who leads it there." 

"Except for the part where you instigate the date in the first place." He smirked and took a sip of his cider. "Or am I over-analyzing things?"

I'm not that shallow," I retorted. "I know you don't want anything like that, so I won't push you there. I'm just saying, if the night ends there that would be pretty awesome."

He raised his arms in a shrug. "Well, then what do you want to do tonight then, hmm? Do you just want to talk, drink, then part ways as good friends?"

"For a first time out, that doesn't seem like a bad idea."

"Okay then." He leaned back and draped his arm on the back of the booth. "What do a human, who has been torn from his world and is forced to live in Ponyland forever and a pony from said country who is really focused on banging have to talk about?" 

I chuckled. "Well, when you put it like that it's a challenge. We don't seem to have too many common interests, do we?"

He shook his head. "No we don't." He folded his arms across his chest. "I'm curious, though, why all this fixation on banging?" 

"Would you believe that you're not the first one to ask me that?" 

"I'd believe that I'm the first human to ask you that," he snarked.

"Fair enough." I threw back more of my cider. "Well..." I cleared my throat. "It's just... when you bang a pony, there's a personal connection there that you can't get anywhere else. You share something special with that pony. You develop a closeness with them."

TD snorted and took another sip of his cider. "So you pick up some random mare or stallion at a bar with the intent of a one night stand to share a deep personal closeness with them only to never see them again?"

"Banging is also very fun," I grinned. 

"Well, then why didn't you just say that in the first place?" he questioned. "Why all of this stuff about a deep connection with a mare you'll be too wasted to remember the next morning?" TD motioned around the bar with his empty cider mug. "I'd buy that for the ponies around here. You know them and you're friends with them. From what I hear, you're talking about an upgrade, some way to take that relationship to a deeper level, am I getting it?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Right." He placed his mug back down on the table. "But do you really get that from some random guy you pick up at a bar in Cloudsdale? Is that really on the forefront of your mind, creating a deeper connection with a mare you've never met nor will ever meet again?" 

"I guess not." I silently motioned for another round. "What's your point, though?"

"Well, take me for example. When you tried to seduce me, and I know you're still trying, were you thinking about what my hands could do for you, or were you wanting to create a deep connection with some human that you had only shared a dozen words with?" A smirk crossed his face. "All of which had to do with us banging."

I shot him a lewd grin. "Hey, you can't blame a girl for trying."

"'Course I can." TD took the fresh ciders without looking and pushed one to me. He lifted his cider up and downed half of it before turning his attention back to me. "Have you figured out why I agreed to this?"

"No, I haven't." I must admit that I was curious why he had such a sudden change of heart. He wasn't the type of guy who struck me as having his mind changed on a whim. it got me all excited for nothing.

"Well first off..." He extended his thumb. "I thought it would be interesting to see what it looked like when a pony tried to seduce me, especially since I am, for all intents and purposes, an alien with a completely foreign culture." He extended his pointer finger. "Secondly, I admit that I did what to get to know you. A pony who does what she does and claims that she has some deeper meaning to it all is interesting. I didn't really know you, but I figured that you weren't the type to just bang for the heck of it, no matter what the other pony felt." A third finger went up. He opened his mouth to explain what it meant, but he frowned and examined the hand. "Huh, I swear there was a third thing, but I think I forgot it."

I gave him a knowing smile. "You're a little tipsy, aren't you?" 

He shrugged and put his hand back on the table. "Uh... yeah, probably." He waved his hand dismissively. "Not so drunk that I can't carry on the conversation or think straight. I'm just a little tipsy is all." He waved his hand again. "Back to the conversation, though..." His eyes widened and he snapped his fingers. "That's it, that was the third thing."

I cocked my head. "What?"

"I was curious of what your motivations were for banging me in particular. It's kinda close to number one, I'll admit, but why would you just go after me because I have a pulse? Are you really that addicted to it? I feel kinda objectified, not gonna lie."

I widened my eyes and raised my hooves defensively. "No! That's not it at all! You're a living being with his own thoughts and emotions. I don't have a right to see you that way." I leaned in closer to him and pushed my cider aside. "Would you believe me if I told you that seducing you hasn't topped my list of goals since we've been here?" Not that it's not still on the list.

TD raised an eyebrow. "Not sure. I suppose it's a possibility that you've imagined what it would be like for a second, given that we've been talking about it, but if you say so, I suppose I should believe you."

"Well, haven't you imagined it for a second?" I pointed out. "I mean, you're going to be living around ponies for the rest of your life, are you saying that romance is off the table for you forever? Is that really what you want?"

TD's eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on the handle of his cider mug. I sensed that I had taken it one step too far and flattened my ears. "I... I'm sorry. I guess the fact that Princess Celestia can't send you home is still a little raw."

"Yeah," he grunted. "Not sure when it won't be, to be honest." 

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "It was wrong of me to say that."

He waved my apology away. "Not a problem. I know that I need to make the best of it and not tense up whenever somebody brings it up, but..." 

"It still hurts right now," I finished. 

"Yeah." He drained his mug. "Having said that, there's no reason that I can't answer your question." My ears perked up and I fixed him with an interested gaze. He chuckled and pushed his mug back. "Have I ever considered a romance with any of the ponies around here, now or ever?" He shook his head. "No, at least not in the physical sense. No offense to the species, but I'm just not attracted to ponies."

"Makes sense, I guess." The corners of my mouth tugged up. "But saying 'not in the physical sense' does kind of imply that there is a loophole to your romance dilemma." 

"Sorta." He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "If I was forced at gunpoint to pick one of the mares around here to marry, I would actually have an answer."

"Gun?"

He smirked. "Human projectile weapon."

"Ah. Gotcha." My eyebrow raised. "So there is a mare."

"Like I said: sorta. I doubt the feeling is mutual. I'm just saying that if I had to love one of the mares around here, I would know who I would want to be my marefriend."

A large grin crossed my face and I leaned in eagerly. "Details!" I squeed. "Come on, you can't give me that and not give me some details!" 

"I'll only give you a hint. I can't have it going around town that I'm deeply in love with the specific pony, it would send the wrong message and it might make our relationship awkward."

"Fair enough," I agreed, "but I'm not the kind of mare who would gossip like that."

His eyes scanned the bar. "It's not you I'm worried about. This town is full of gossips."

"Again, fair enough." My grin returned. "So, hint me up!"

"She isn't in a relationship already."

My grin turned into a thoughtful frown, and I tapped my lower jaw thoughtfully. "So that rules out Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Lyra, and Bon Bon to name a few, I guess."

"A good start," he admitted. "That just leaves almost every other mare in Ponyville as a possible option."

"But you don't frequently interact with most other mares in Ponyville," I pointed out. "So that really only leaves..." My eyes turned mischievous, and I leaned in conspiratorially to whisper a single name into his ear. "It's her, isn't it?"

He bobbled his head slightly. "Could be. Could not be," he responded cryptically. 

I giggled. His expression is hard to misinterpret. "You totally like her, don't you?"

"Again, not in the physical sense in the slightest. I've never even thought about her that way, and I never will." He idly spun his empty mug around. "But if I absolutely had to..."

"That is hilarious!" I crowed. "I gotta buy you another cider for that, because that is just too much!"

He looked up from his mug and scowled at me. "What's so funny about it?"

"Two things." I held up one hoof. "One, you're kind of a prude who I never saw as the lovey-dovey type." He opened his mouth to object, but I help up the other hoof. "Two, I'm slightly tipsy too." 

"So you're a lightweight?"

I snorted indignantly. "What? No! It's just that this cider is a tad stronger than it looks, and I'm just about to get there with one or two more, that's all." I grabbed the next two mugs given to us and gave him a sideways grin. "Besides, you're a little tipsier than I am." 

"Probably," he admitted. "I only hit the drinking age where I come from a month or so ago."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. Pinkie threw you a big party."

He accepted his cider. "Nah, you're thinking of that other time. My birthday party was pretty quiet. Just a few buddies. I don't really like the big crowds, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I prefer the quieter fare." He began drinking his cider and when he put it down, he had a large grin on his face. "Having said that, I wasn't exactly taken out to a bar to get smashed on my twenty-first, so if I'm going to learn what kind of drunk I am, we'd better pick up the pace, yeah?"

I hooked my foreleg around my mug and grinned in determination.


*  *  *  *


"Okay, so you're a giggly drunk."

TD stumbled down the street, doing his best to lean on me for support; a difficult feat as I was a little out of it myself. "Only after my sixth cider," he slurred. "Then I'm..." he motioned to himself. "This, I guess."

I giggled and began walking him towards his house. "I don't know much about what humans are like drunk, but it was pretty funny when you nearly fell out of the booth."

"Wouldn'ta been so funny if I'da broken my neck," he grumbled. 

"But you didn't so it was funny!" 

He rolled his eyes and looked up. His house was getting closer and the fact that he had a tangible goal in front of him strengthened his steps a little. When we reached his house, he shakily reached into his pocket for his key, but the second it was out of his pocket he dropped it. "Confound it. It won't stay still," he groaned. He reached down and began repeatedly swiping at it, but it wasn't going into his hand. I rolled my eyes. 

"I'll get it." Being less drunk meant that I was in a better position to get the door unlocked. It was only a minute, and six tries, before I got the door open and we both tumbled inside.

"Thanks," he muttered, dragging himself towards the kitchen. Knowing where he was going, I helped him get a few glasses of water to counteract the alcohol. He seemed to be a little more lucid after that. He shook his head and stood up without my help. "Well, I'm still drunk, but not so bad that the room is spinning anymore."

"That's the good thing about pony booze," I giggled. "Water will help the effects go away."

He nodded. "Good. Now, to bed for TD." He took a step forward, but still stumbled a little bit. I dutifully leaned up against him, guiding him towards the bed. He collapsed onto it, somehow taking me with him. I landed directly on top of him. 

We both paused as we considered this new development. Here I was, on top of him. He was drunk, but seeing as how I was too, my rules kind of went out the door. I should have remembered them, I really should have. It was just in good taste and fair to him. 

He stared at me lying on top of him for a second. "Huh."

"Yeah... huh," I agreed. 

"I guess the night doesn't have to be over if it's going to play out like this."

I shook my head. "I don't suppose so. Do you have any ideas of what we should do?"

A wide grin split his face. "I do."


*  *  *  *


An hour and a half later, we were both lying on his bed. Both of us were merely staring forward in total silence, completely shocked at what had just taken place. 

"I cannot believe that just happened," he groaned. 

"It was just about to get to the best part," I grumbled. "Then it had to just... sputter out."

He sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't expect it to just fade away like that."

I shrugged. "I guess it happens."

He let out another sigh and shook his head. "I should have gotten Twilight to work her magic on it, but I don't think that she would have been too open to it, given that I was going to use it with you." He cast a wry glance at me. "I know all about her little sociology report."

I chuckled, but my solemn expression returned as I looked ahead. "So, what did you say the movie was called again?"

He motioned towards his computer which was placed at the edge of his bed. "Die Hard. I figured that since you were trained in the military and all that, you'd appreciate a good action movie."

"I do," I admitted. "I don't appreciate your computer dying right before I can see if he survives the explosion or not." 

"I guess you'll just have to come over to see how the movie ends when Twilight has re-charged it again." 

I raised an eyebrow and a smirk crossed my face. "Is that an invite for another date?"

He snorted. "First off, this wasn't a date, it was a platonic get-together, part of which involved the discussion of the one pony I would be possibly open to dating. Secondly, if you call it that, other ponies might get the wrong idea entirely. Not every outing between a guy and a girl has to be about romance, you know. I'd just prefer a platonic friendship."

"Friendship, huh?" 

He nodded and stood up to close his computer. "Yeah. We can be friends and not think about that. I should know, most of my closest friends back home were girls. Never thought about intercourse at all with them."

I smiled a little wistfully. "That sounds like a relatively stress-free relationship then."

"In that way, sure," he conceded. "But friendships will be friendships." He gave a wistful smile of his own. "I need more of them around here. Twilight and Co. are great, but there's more to Ponyville than them, you know what I mean?"

I happily nodded and bounced off of the bed myself. "You know, a strictly platonic relationship sounds nice." I chuckled to myself. "So long as other ponies don't get the wrong idea."

He chuckled in return. "That would be awkward."