//------------------------------// // The Most Inconceivably Ignorant Chapter Ever // Story: The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever // by InvertedInflux //------------------------------// Well, look who we have here. That's right. Princess Fucking Molestia. I'm properly fearing for my sexual health right now. Just imagine the amount of STDs she has clogging up her insides. That's probably the real reason why she wanted me over here. I mean, I want to get laid and all but not like this... Not like this... I think I've been reading too many fanfics. But still, I'll be on full alert if she tries something dirty. *** Here she comes, horn erect and all. I mean seriously, look at it. That's some serious steroids going on right there. Then again I would have done that too if I was a near-omnipotent being and alive for thousands of years. I'd make myself a huge cock for sure. Speaking of omnipotence... where is God? He better be watching and making notes on my performance thus far. If I find out he's slept through all this I won't be happy. So yeah, Celestia. Mane 6. Me. Shit's gonna go down. Either we're discussing the plan to save Equestria or Molestia's got one huge orgy lined up. Okay, I'm getting too sidetracked. “Greetings, saviour. What is your name?” Celestia says before extending a hoof to pull me to my feet. It just occurred to me that I haven't washed my hands. Not just today even; like for weeks now. I don't think I need to go in to detail about what they've been touching all this time. You get the picture. Well she just touched my hand. My right one too. I'm right-handed. Get the hint? Oh yeah, my name. This ought to be good. “My name is Sir Fuckalot, legend of Earth, destroyer of Gash.” Yeah, that sounds good. Real good. I'm loving that name; loving it so much I'm gonna change my name officially when I get home. If I get home. Oh, I just realised that I've told everypony a different name each time. Ah well. Shit happens. What's this? Celestia is giving me a disdainful look. Enough with the racism for fuck's sake. “I'll have you know I have researched your language beforehand. I will not condone such words here.” Stupid bitch. Just ruined all my fun. I'll ruin her face. Seriously, that horn is pissing me off. I can think of a thousand explicit things to do with that yet she only uses it for nice things. I mean, just look at the potential! Oh look; Pinkie's now started babbling. She's like some incessant noise in the background; like those stupid flies you swat at which only just dodge you before hovering back in the same place again. And again. AND FUCKING AGAIN. Seriously, I hate those things. And I'm starting to hate you the same. Getting real tired of your shit, Pinkie. “Sorry. Just slipped out. My real name is Abdul.” It actually is. I'm not even joking this time. Honest. “Well Abdul, there's no time to explain, the whole of Equestria's at stake.” Selfish prick. What about Earth? That's hardly safe when you've got North Korea chugging around. They should come back with me once this is done and fix things. Sequel idea? Damn right it is. “What shall I do?” “I'll explain later. First we must turn you into a pony.” Wait, what? Nooooooooooo. Imagine that in Darth Vader's voice and you get the idea of the despair I was in. Oh and stop “remastering” Star Wars, George Lucas you twat. Celestia raises her huge-fullofsexualpotential-horn and zaps me. Yup, cause everything has the “zap” sound in Equestria. I felt the most excruciating pain as I started to mutate into some twisted and horrible creature. My face began to burn as my skin started to bubble over before I became a writhing, screaming, pulsating mass of- Just kidding, it's already over and it felt pretty damn arousing actually. Oh would you look at fucking that? She turned me into a cunting Earth pony. Oh? You thought I would be some overpowered Alicorn? Nah, this isn't that ridiculously overdone rubbish story you've read a hundred times. To be fair: I'd rather be an Alicorn. But no, I'm a boring old earth pony. No wings. No magic. No huge-fullofsexualpotential-horn. No... wait, what's this? Where the fuck is my cock? I can't see it anywhere. That little cun... I thought all the stallions had been castrated when younger; not that “no cocks” is a strict rule around here. What kind of fucked up world is this? Oh yeah, talking horses. I didn't even get the technicolour wank I promised you guys. It's okay now; don't start crying. We'll get through this. I'll show you one in 1080p when I get home. Ah wait, I found it! It's right here... imprinted on my flank. My flank is white by the way, not black. Just did a Michael Jackson in a few seconds. The touching kids part? That comes later, don't worry. I'm kidding. Calm down. But yeah, my cutie mark is a huge cock. Which is quite depressing actually. I'm assuming it's for all the clopping I do. Which I now can't do. Thanks Celestia, you cunt. “Ooh, that's a nice cutie mark, what does it represent?” says who else but fucking Pinkie Pie. “An ice cream.” “That doesn't look like a-” “It's a fucking ice cream.” Luckily they'd never seen a cock before. If Celestia recognises it then that only proves that she really is the dreaded Molestia from our darkest dreams. Filthy slag. Luckily, it looked like she didn't. Now tell me what the fuck is going on. “Now tell me what the fuck is going on.” “Discord, The God of Chaos, has broken free. We tried to reform him but failed. He is now after to destroy the Elements of Harmony once and for all so he can reign supreme.” Hey, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah, just about every other fucking Discord fanfic I've read. “Where do I come in?” “There are six elements. Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Genorosity, Loyalty and Magic. However, there are legends of a seventh-” “But Celestia, that's just an old pony tale,” interrupts the rude little shit that was Twilight Sparkle. “Hey, Twilight. Shut the fuck up, Celestia's talking,” I called out. “Err, thank you. It is said the element in fact belongs to a different world. Which is why you are here. I believe you are the seventh element.” Yup, definitely read this fanfic one, twice, or a hundred times. “So, do I get one of the shiny necklaces?” “Perhaps. We have no idea what this element looks like, or how to reveal it. We can only hope it's you.” Well aren't you fucking useful. I've noticed how you've never actually helped anyone. Discord? Nope, let the others do it. Changelings? Nope, let the others sort it out while I get defeated by the queen. Seriously, how pathetic is that? She's practically a goddess as well. King Sombra? Nah, I'd rather chill at home and procrastinate like I've done for 1000 odd years. She really does just sit at her throne all day doing fuck all. Decides to troll everyone now and again but that's about it really. She's a dictator worse than Hitler and Stalin the way she abuses her power. It's disgusting. “So... what do I do now?” I swear if she says “make some friends” or “explore!” I'm jumping out the window. Head first too. “Get your things and prepare to leave. We have located Discord's palace on the other side of Equestria and you must confront him and defeat him. We can only hope you discover the element along the way.” Finally; some action and shit. And no, Celestia, I don't have any things. Considering I was taken here against my will and my only set of clothes have now disintegrated. Oh and my dick is gone. “I'm ready to go. Let's fuck that wankstain Discord over!” And so began the most fucking epic journey you've ever witnessed. So epic that anyone who even glances at these glorious pages will gain an instant erection. An erection so big that all the blood used to support it will cause them to faint from lack of blood to the head. And die. This is one epic story I assure you. Oh and I can't have erections now myself. Just thought I'd mention that again. I'm never going to forgive you for that, Celestia. Never. Ever. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my fucking eye. Shut up Pinkie. Just shut up.