Well aren’t you all a dastardly bunch! I straight up tell you I plan on tormenting all your favorite little ponies and you all are like “That’s awesome! Here’s some evil suggestions, go nuts.” No “Oh no Discord! Don’t hurt them!” or “I knew they should have kept you in stone where you belong!” not a single one. You’re all wicked little... things aren’t you?
I think we’re going to get along just fine!
Now let’s dig into your suggestions, shall we? Hmmm, CometandAqua wants me to keep making Pokemon references. I suppose she doesn’t realize that when you overuse a joke it’s not very effective (cue vaudeville drums). Blastdragon wants me to pretend to be a new visitor to Ponyville 50 different times and then watch as Pinkie Pie slowly loses her grip on sanity. While I applaud your efforts at attempting to replicate Cupcakes, I’ve been in Ponyville long enough to realize that this just won’t work. Did you know we have a new princess in town? Do you know how many ponies come to see her every day? Let me tell you, it certainly exceeds 50. And Pinkie throws a party for all of them.
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
This has actually become a serious problem for Ponyville’s economy because everypony is so busy going to the near-constant parties to actually do their jobs. It’s become such a problem that Princess Twilight Sparkle has actually started sneaking ponies who want to see her into Ponyville in the middle of the night. She’s recently contracted a secret underground tunnel to be built for this express purpose. Cheesypower (you all have really odd names) says that I should turn into Prince Blueblood and vandalise Ponyville. This would be a great idea if Blueblood hadn’t been banished from Ponyville for insisting that the whole populous willingly become servants to the new princess (not quite the sharpest spoon in the yogurt that one). Not much point in putting on a disguise that’s just going to get me arrested on sight.
GoWeegee says that I should pretend to be Derpy with a PhD graduate in theoretical physics. I would do this, but me and Physics kind of had a falling out after I dumped her a couple millennia ago. I mean, the relationship was good while it lasted, but she just kept holding me down with all her “laws”. Quite a control freak that one. Such a hypocrite too, I mean just a few swigs of quantum entanglement and she becomes the life of the party. Last I heard she was in a pretty stable relationship with Botany. Shadow the Devil Pony has gone above and beyond the line of duty and thought of an eeeevvviiillll changeling name for me: Deranged! I’m so pleased with this that not only does he get the distinction of being my #1 evil minion, but I shall use his suggestion for today’s evil plan! I have always wanted to be a princess...
---
“Oh hey Twilight! I thought you were going to be at Town Hall all day dealing with all the ponies you snuck in last night.”
“YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE KNAVE!!”
Oh, right, context. So I just walked into Twilight’s library, there are books everywhere, yadda, yadda, yadda. Her little dragon friend, Spike, appears to be the only one here. I’m disguised as the purple princess herself, complete with full royal regalia. Spike is wearing a *snicker* cutsie-wootsie apron with a widdle heart on it. Oh also I’m using the royal canterlot voice, because I don’t think princesses can yell any other way.
“Um, ok ‘Prettyful Princess Twilight Sparkle’. So did you finish with your court early today or something?” Spike asks me.
“THOSE FOOLISH MORTALS WERE NOT WORTH THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S TIME!” I reply. I survey the room and am displeased by the lack of a throne that I might place my royal hindquarters on, this shall not do! I fire up my magic to summon one and... you must construct additional pylons. Dammit! I should have been keeping better track of my supply. “DRAGON SLAVE! I COMMAND THEE TO CONSTRUCT FOR THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE ADDITIONAL PYLONS SO THAT SHE MIGHT SUMMON A THRONE TO PLACE THE ROYAL HINDQUARTERS ON!”
“Right away Twiligh...”
“WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT ADDRESSING THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE?”
“Right away Prettyful Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Spike says before running off into another room. A second later he comes running back in like the little idiot that he is, “Ummm, what’s a pylon?”
“UGH, THOU ARE USELESS AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FAX MACHINE. PLEASE TAKE A LETTER FOR THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE.” I say. Twilight would be better off with a probe as her assistant. Spike walks over to Twilight’s writing desk and picks up a piece of parchment and a quill. “DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA. I DEMAND ANOTHER ASSISTANT, THIS ONE IS DEFECTIVE AND WE'RE SENDING HIM TO THE MOON. ALSO YOU’RE FAT. WITH LOTS OF LOVE, THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE.”
Spike, being the nimrod that he is, doesn’t actually process what I just had him write and sends it off to Celestia with a big goofy smile on his face. It seems somedragon is holding the idiot ball this chapter. Slowly his grin slips away as he realizes what he just wrote. “Wait don...” I don’t get to hear the rest of his exclamation because I just finished the spell that sends him to the moon. Wow, I’m getting pretty good at this whole princess thing! Celestia would be proud.
Oh don’t look at me like that, he’s a dragon! They can survive anything! Also what part of Discord Turns Himself Into a Changeling and then Does Evil Things do you not understand? So don’t you all pretend you’re on a moral high ground.
Well, now what do I do? There’s nopony else here to mess with anymore. Well this is a library, so I might as well enjoy myself with some light reading... and by reading I mean getting out a giant stamp that says PROPERTY OF THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE and stamping it on the cover of every book. That counts as “reading” right? I’ll just timeskip until after I’m done
---
There! Every single book claimed for the narcissistic monarchy! Twilight should really thank me for this. But now I’m sooooooo huuunnngggrrrryyyyy. Maybe I should have kept Spike around for a snack. Wait, would that be incestuous? I mean, Twilight is kind of Spike’s adopted mother. But I’m not actually Twilight. A better question is do I actually care? Nope! Wait, I hear a knock at the door, time to get back into character.
“WHO WISHES TO SPEAK TO THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE?” I ask as I open the door to reveal the same mare I snacked on yesterday, Vinyl Scratch I think.
“Oh princess! I thought you were at Town Hall! Well I kind of wanted to ask if I could check out a book on relationship advice. You see yesterday something weird happened and...”
“THOU TALKITH TOO MUCH! THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE DEMANDS THAT YOU SWAP SPIT WITH HER!” I interrupt the mare before pouncing on her, causing her to once again land flat on her back with me on top of her. True to my word I start passionately snogging her. Unfortunately she is too busy being frozen in shock to be a very receptive lover. She still tastes extremely good to my changeling biology though and I am quite satisfied.
“THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS, BUT SHE HAS HAD BETTER. PERHAPS IF YOU IMPROVE ON YOUR SKILLS YOU MIGHT ONE DAY JOIN THE ROYAL HAREM!” I say, swaying a little bit as I get up off of my dinner. Is this what being love drunk feels like? Or maybe I’m just love tipsy. Either way I kinda feel like just going back to Fluttershy’s and passing out underneath the couch. “THE PRETTYFUL PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE MUST NOW DEPART. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR EVENING MORTAL.” I say as I fly off into the sunset... upside down. Ehh, close enough.
I wonder what sort of evil things I’m going to do tomorrow? Oh who am I kidding, I’m too lazy to think of ideas. Minions! Tell me what evil I should do next!
