//------------------------------// // 4 - Bits and bashes // Story: The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper // by Techogre //------------------------------// “You know, I'm not quite sure what kind of reaction I'll get in town. I mean, look at how Dash reacted,” Dash flashed a confident smirk that seemed so natural, “Mind you, it was a reasonable reaction under the circumstances, so it doesn't count.” Fluttershy spoke, “You know Alex, I think it should be alright. Do you remember when Gilda,” Dash flashed a grimace but quickly went back to her usual expression, “that big rotten meanie head... sorry for that outburst. Anyway, no one minded when she came into town.” I could feel the continuous, too quiet, rush of air as Dash hovered, “That's true, but almost everyone knows what a gryphon is. I don't think anyone has seen an Alex before. But remember when Zecora first started coming into town? It was freaky town all over the place! I stayed with you guys to protect you, of course. Didn't want to give away our hiding place.” I raised my eyebrow slightly, “What's a Zecora? Something I might know? Someone I should know?” Fluttershy tittered, “Zecora is a zebra pony.” “As in a pony with stripes?” “Well, yes. But zebras are skilled with potion and medicine making, the same way pegasi fly, unicorns use magic, and earth ponies are skilled farmers. Twilight had to go door to door explaining she wasn't an evil enchantress that puts you in trances.” Fluttershy sang the last part and giggled. “Pinkie Pie is such a good singer.” Dash snickered, “Ya, Pinkie Pie's always making songs up on the spot. Remember that one song for Rarities party?” Fluttershy blushed, “Oh my, yes, but I don't think that's appropriate for, you know, the public.” Dash started to sing, “Stallions with big d...” I interrupted, only to keep the information flowing, just not the TMI type of information, “So, if I've got this right, the gryphon, which I assume is a half lion half eagle creature with sharp claws and is a predator of some kind caused less of a kerfuffle than a zebra, who is basically the same as you. Well, since I represent the only sentient tool-using apex predator where I come from, they should welcome me with open arms. I would really hate to have to go from house to house explaining everything.” I chuckled, “Don't get me wrong, I'm a hundred kilos of loudmouth, but even I can get tired of talking about myself.” Dash fluttered beside me, “Don't worry, lunkhead, if you start jabbering too much, I'll put you in your place.” She gave me another one of those friendly punches in the shoulder. Damn, these ponies were strong. Before getting too close to Ponyville, I raised my bandaged hands, “One moment, guys, I want to take these off. I think that walking into town with bloody bandages might be counterproductive to a pleasant greeting. I'll just get cleaned up at the stream.” I could clearly hear and smell the running water and made a beeline to it. Dash was concerned and confused, “Hey! How did you know there was a stream there?” I looked at her a little confused and shrugged, “I could hear it and smell it.” She seems to accept that without further comment. At the stream, I carefully took the bandages off my hands after soaking them in water. The bleeding had long ago stopped, and I had managed not to pull many of the scabs off. I thought the sight and smell of blood would be unsettling to most ponies. I pulled some soap out of my pack, cleaned the wounds, removing the dried blood, trying not to get them bleeding again. With the bandages off and my hands clean, Dash peered closely at my hands. “They look like Spike's hands a little, but softer, without the claws and an extra finger.” She took my hand in her hoof, and it gently stuck there. It was so strange, almost like the bottom of her hoof had a really strong static field without the static. I jerked my hand away in surprise, “Whoa!” I grinned sheepishly, “Sorry about that. It's just that I didn't really notice anything when Fluttershy bandaged my hands. To be fair, I was a little out of it.” I put my hand back out. “That, what, magical field, helps you hold and grip things? Almost like hands?” Dash smirked, her tone as if she was talking to a slow learner, “What? You've never seen that? Every pony has that.” “Dash, the only ponies I've met, other than you and Fluttershy, have been just animals, beasts of burden.” Dash looked confused, “What, they didn't have good manners?” “No, they weren't people. As in, they couldn't talk, and they didn't understand much, maybe their name on a good day. Like, I don't know, a dog or a cat.” Dash looked indignant, “No way!” Fluttershy looked at me in horror, “Oh, how terrible!” Okay, now I felt a little embarrassed, “Well, ya. Sorry to tell you. But not here. Here, you're obviously people. Different realities, different rules.” I shrugged. “I guess I'm more used to it.” I offered my hand back to Dash. She 'held' it with one hoof and slowly ran the inside of her other hoof on my hand. It was soft and warm, almost like a giant fingertip. Dash smiled and turned her hoof to me, “See here, the outside is hard, but the inside is sensitive.” I touched the inside of her hoof, her cheeks developed a slight shade of purple, and she snickered, pulling her hoof away, “It's also ticklish.” I become flustered, “Dash, I hope I didn't cross any lines. With my luck, it's the whole bread thing all over again.” Rainbow Dash looked puzzled and shot a questioning look to Fluttershy. Fluttershy giggled, “No, Alex. Nothing like that.” Turning to Rainbow Dash, “Dashie, we had a 'cultural misunderstanding'. In his culture, if you want to show someone friendship, you share bread with them.” She blushed. Rainbow Dash suddenly had a rakish grin plastered on her face. “You mean he tried to 'share his bread' with you?” She paused for a beat, then started to laugh her head off. In a silly imitation of my voice, “Oh Fluttershy, I'm a reality travelling stallion, and I love sharing bread with every mare I meet!” She was actually on the ground and holding her stomach she was laughing so hard. Fluttershy looked mortified at first but then started to giggle once she saw I was shaking my head and smiling. I smirked and snorted. In a similar silly voice, “Oh, that reminds me, Dash, I may have something for you. Do you like ... rye bread?”. Dash blushed, still laughing. She picked herself up, wiped away a tear, and hit me in the shoulder. “You're alright, Alex Roberts.” I did my best not to let on how much her friendly punch had hurt. I think I'm starting to bruise. We skirted the main part of Ponyville, sticking to the outside of the town until we got to the library. It's best to avoid anybody... anypony?... until I have things figured out. Fluttershy knocked on the library door. I heard a young male voice call out, “Door's open! Come on in.” We walked in, and there was Twilight Sparkle, a quill enveloped in a purple glow, making notes, just quickly glancing up. “Hi, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Diamond Dog...” The quill she was using dropped to the ground. Her expression didn't change. She slowly looked up, got a weird smile on her face and her voice slowly climbed from normal to frantic. “Why is there a Diamond Dog in my library?” Spike, ever the hero, grabbed a book and broom to defend his friends. “Back you ugly cur! Stay away from them!” Spike rushed forward and smacked me on the arm with the broom. “Hold up! Stop! Wait! I'm not a Diamond Dog, I'm a human!” Celestia's flank, Equestrians were strong! Darn near broke my arm! Spike kept flailing blindly with the broom, knocking me down. Dash yelled, “He's not a Diamond Dog Spike!” This had no effect on him as he continued to ineffectually attack, stopped only by Dash grabbing the broom in her mouth and yanking it away from him. I was sore and bruised, but no broken bones. “Spike! Why did you do that?” Twilight turned to me. “Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Diamond Dog. Are you all right?” Spike continued to look at me, anger in his eyes. But there was something deeper than that. It was loathing, disgust, rage, all bound together behind those eyes. And I didn't understand why. “I'm okay, Miss Twilight Sparkle, just embarrassed.” I got back up, “Spike, I'm Alex Roberts. I'm a human, not a diamond dog. I'm here with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. I don't mean anyone any harm.” I put my hand out to shake his. Dash put the broom down, "It's okay, Spike, he's cool." He glared at me for a long moment, that abominable look not reduced by one iota. “Well, if Dash says you're cool...” He picked up the broom and book. “Anyway, I have... errands to run.” He kept glaring at me as he walked out the front door, slamming it on the way out. I put my hand down. Twilight, slightly confused, “I'm so sorry for Spike. He's never acted like that before.” I shrugged, “I don't know what I did to make him so angry, but I'll try to make it up to him. However, for now, I'm here to see you.” I smiled and continued with a condensed version of my situation, answering a few questions along the way and asking one or two myself. I was a little amused that she was making notes. Once I was done with my story, Twilight looked at the scroll in front of her. “So, let me get this straight,” she started checking it off, “One, you're from a different reality. Two, you spontaneously started jumping from one reality to another, with no control as to when you jump or where you jump to, approximately sixty years ago from your perspective. Three, time in each reality flows at a different rate from your home time, usually much faster, but you do not age. Four, you will be in this reality for approximately 60 of your years while approximately two weeks go by in your home reality. Five, you have a device that lets you stay in contact with your family and gives you access to something called the 'internet'. Six, from your perspective, every reality has been a fictional reality of one kind or another. Seven, this is the first 'animated' reality you have been in, specifically the 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic' television program, which is like a weekly serial play. Spike and I used to see those in Canterlot. Eight, you want to know if I can help you get home, but you are not confident it is possible. Have I got the basics covered?” I nodded emphatically, “That's my situation in a nutshell. Now, on the last point, I realize this will not be an overnight quick research thing, and I'm clueless as far as magic goes and always have been. However, I urge you not to make this your priority. And for goodness sake, don't let it interrupt your studies. Many skilled wizards have tried and failed in the past. I really don't want you to be like a cold fusion scientist back home.” Twilight looked puzzled, “Oh um... the cold fusion theory was a discredited scientific theory that still had some support from the edges of legitimate science, at least the last time I looked into it. So what I'm saying is I don't want you to saddle yourself with oddball corner case magical science.” I gave a little resigned sigh and smiled, “I don't want your brilliance wasted on me.” I paused for a second. “Anyway, you're the brains around here, and if I can't trust the friend of the element of loyalty and kindness, who can I?” Twilight considered this. “That sounds reasonable. More reasonable than some things around here.” She brightened up. “Thank you for giving me a new line of research. It should be fun!” Dash rolled her eyes, “Only an egghead would be happy with more homework.” “So, I want to earn my keep. Sponging off Miss Fluttershy is wrong. I have some resources, specifically jewels and precious metals, to pay for my needs. I'm sorry if I'm skipping ahead, but I want to get out of Miss Fluttershy's hair as soon as possible.” I turned to Fluttershy, stopping her from objecting. “From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your kindness, but there is no point in delaying. The faster I get some... what do you call your currency? Bits?” Twilight nodded, “The faster I get some bits, the faster I can start contributing.” I nodded my head, ending that argument. “One more thing,” I sheepishly looked at Twilight, “Please give Spike my sincerest apologies for whatever it was that I did to offend him. I want to make it up to him if I can.” Twilight looked puzzled, “Why are you apologizing? You were a perfectly polite gentlecolt. He attacked you.” Sheepishly I replied, “Well, maybe. I want to make sure it wasn't me, that's all. So, who would be the best ponies to talk to get some of this converted to funds so I can get going?” Twilight seemed to think momentarily, then brightened up, “The best ponies to help you would be Rarity and Applejack, both smart business ponies.” Twilight stood a little straighter, ready to lecture, “Rarity is a skilled fashion designer, and she is also an entrepreneur. She has an encyclopaedic knowledge of jewels and precious metals and will know current market prices. Applejack is a skilled apple farmer and business pony. She runs the family farm. She is a skilled negotiator and can get top bit for your resources.” “Thank you for the information. I wouldn't have had a clue where to start.” I considered what I knew, what I thought I knew, and what I knew I didn't know. I wearily smiled, “I used to be a fan back in the day, not that I remember much. Just weird little odds and sods, for example, you Twilight send a weekly letter to your teacher about what you learned, but do you think I can remember who your teacher is? Also, Dash had an incident of some kind with the Shadowbolts at a bridge. Then there's something about everyone loving 'Mr Smarty Pants'. And there was a whole series of videos around the 'Love Me' incident.” Fluttershy looked shocked but didn't comment. I looked down and chuckled, “Honestly, I think I've exhausted my memories on the subject.” Twilight seemed excited, “I'm curious to see this show. Alex, do you think we could watch one?” I blinked, not expecting to get this request, “Um... sure. Most people who find out they're, from my point of view anyway, fictional characters usually get a little freaked out, but it seems you're made of sterner stuff.” I pulled out the laptop and fired it up. I was fairly sure there would be something on some website, maybe YouTube or a streaming service, so once the connection was established, I started an episode at random. In this case, it was season one, episode three. “Wait, let me expand the screen.” I pulled the sides out and then pulled the top up, doubling the screen size. I stood back and enjoyed the show. The girls were absolutely silent for the whole thing. Dead silent. I assumed they were in awe of a picture screen or something. Once it was over, I asked, “Well, you're big stars! As you can see here,” I pointed at the screen, “looks like just over a million views. That means that around one million people have watched this video.” The girls looked at me, a little stunned. Then, Rainbow Dash hesitatingly said, “So, that was one episode?” Dash looked a little panicked. “Did everyone see what we did all the time?” I looked at Dash, trying to reassure her, “No, no. Nothing like that. Just the exciting parts appropriate for young children.” I chuckled, “It's not like they followed you in the bathroom. Except I recall one time they followed Pinkie to the bathroom door.” I noticed Fluttershy blushing, her eyes huge, her pupils tiny. I sighed. “Oy, look, it's a kids show. For little girls. It's known for not having bad stuff. It's a sweet, kind, cute show. It made many people very happy. Trust me, they never showed anything untoward. Ever.” I sat cross-legged, the ponies looking down on me. I was sure to neglect to mention some fan art, some fanfics, most shipping, and all of Rule 34. They all relaxed a bit, taking me for my word. I brightened up. “Well, there's no time like the present. With your permission and help, I would like to get started. Who do you recommend I talk to first? I'm thinking Rarity because then I will at least get an idea of what I have to work with. Then, Applejack, so she'll have something to work with. Does that sound like a reasonable plan?” Twilight agreed. She looked a little pensive, but I guessed it was about Spike. I still couldn't figure out what I did, said, or didn't say to tick him off so much. Well, that's a mystery for another day. I mean, the little guy seemed so friendly on the show. It was late morning, and we headed out to Rarity's boutique. I started doing a mental inventory of what goods I had. Although ponies were glancing and sometimes openly staring, no pony panicked or screamed. I even heard a few snatches of conversation, including 'mutant diamond dog' a few times. Walking along with three of the Elements of Harmony was a calming factor. We walked past a gayly decorated shop. The sign said 'Sugarcube Corners'. Wait a minute, isn't that where... Pink, lots of pink. And eyes, huge blue eyes. An upside-down face with a manic grin. I realized there was something, or someone, standing on my head, and given its size, it did not weigh enough for what I saw. I blinked twice, processing what was happening. “Gah!” I screamed. Arms flailing in an appropriately comedic fashion. There was a blur of motion, and she jumped off my head. She talked a mile a minute in the squeaky voice, all the while bouncing almost her own height, “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! Are you new to Ponyville? Where else would we be? This is where everything seems to happen! So, where are you from? Are there more giant pink monkeys with funny clothes on?” I smiled, realizing who she was. She was known for breaking the fourth wall, so I decided to skip ahead. I did my best to match her rapid-fire pace, “Hi Pinkamina Diane Pie, I’m Alex Roberts. I’m from a different reality, and I’ve been bouncing from reality to reality, trying to get home. This is my latest reality where your reality is a TV show in my reality, I used your real name to prove to you I come from a different reality where you are adored by millions of fans!” I stopped, both because I had given her the basics and I was out of breath. It was her turn to blink. She looked up to the sky, looking at something no one else could see, and at a more normal pace, “So, you're the Gary Stu for the author, huh? That's great! Let's hope there will be no mention of cupc...” She covered her mouth. “Hey! Stop typing that. You know it bothers me! There, now we will never speak of that again.” Speeding up, “Oh! I'll have to get a party organized! And Gummy will be there, because the author loves Gummy, and...” Slowing down, getting crestfallen, “But, I can't right now, I have work to do, so I'll see you guys later. Anyway, the author is having problems filling out my dialogue, and I like the way this story is going, so I'll see you later!” Pinkie Pie bounced off, as joyful and happy ash I remember her being. I heard from the distance, “Well written! I like that! Don't forget to change 'ash' to 'as'!” The girls stared at her, bouncing back to the shop. I scratched my head, “That was, odd...” Dash, shaking her head and snickering, said, “Pinkie Pie, you are so random.” As we continued, there was only one small incident that I kept to myself. While walking through the market, I overheard a snobbish voice with an affected upper-crust accent saying, “The two feather dusters and the purple narwhal have a trained diamond dog now. Typical.” The girls didn't seem to hear it, but I mentally noted the voice. I didn't see who said it, but I would keep an ear out for it. I was disappointed that racial slurs seemed to be universal. We entered the Carousel Boutique. Rarity, being Rarity, didn't bat an eye when seeing me. “Welcome to the Carousel Boutique where everything is... Oh, hello, girls. Who is your new friend?” They explained, and I kept quiet, just smiling, admiring the work around the shop. When they were done, I was going to introduce myself directly. I faltered. Rarity was looking at me, eyes narrowed. Before I could even open my mouth, Rarity pushed me to the back of her shop, “Idea! Darling, you must allow me to make you a suit to replace those drab rags.” While I was being pushed, “Miss Rarity, please, I'm quite comfortable in my 'rags' for the moment. And, once I have attended to a few basic matters, like a home, I will rush back here at full speed.” Amazing. Even the 'weak' unicorns were damn strong. “Nonsense, for a gentlecolt to make their way in the world, they need proper clothes. Now, take those off so I can make a basic pattern from them.” I'm fairly sure my eyes got huge, my pupils were pinpricks, and my face red. “Er... Well... Um... My culture has a nudity taboo.” This was met by confused looks. Dash looked at me, “What's a nudity?” “I would be very uncomfortable being without clothes in front of such lovely ladies.” I looked around. The girls, except for Rarity, still looked a little confused. Like a true lady, Rarity smiled, broke the silence and cleared up the situation. “Oh. Well then, I think I understand. A gentlecolt must be modest. Well, we shall continue this conversation later. I look forward to the challenge of designing clothes for a new body shape.” The disaster was averted. I hoped. “Miss Rarity, I come here because you are a knowledgeable business pony and may be able to help me determine the value of some of the goods I have. I will be here a long time, a lifetime, in fact, so I want to build a home here. Ponyville is a beautiful community; the ponies are kind and friendly.”   I sat on the ground and started rummaging in my pack. Some jewellery, mostly human, some elf and dwarf pieces too, likely worth only the materials they were made of, lots of coinage, and a small bag of gems. In total, about 1.5kg of platinum, 10kg of gold, 22kg of silver, and maybe 72kg of copper, and finally, I still had about 250kg of aluminium coin, basically worthless. I never had a chance to change the aluminium out for 'cheap' gold last jump, and I'm still kicking myself. I started taking items out, including the jewellery, my precious little bag of jewels, and a few samples of each coin. The jewellery, for the most part, was the wrong shape and size for ponies. The jewellery I did have was mostly gold and silver, with large jewels. Well, large by my standards. Rarity seemed unimpressed. The designs tended toward the simple. She informed me there was not much value there. This is where I discovered their standards for jewels were very different. Many of theirs would individually fill my palm. The little dust crystals I had were not considered usable. They were dross at best. I give it to Twilight for Spike. I thought he ate gems and Twilight confirmed it. I thought he might enjoy a little snack. I also discovered gold and copper were both considered semiprecious metals, with copper being the more valuable of the two. In fact, gold was used for coinage because it was the least valuable of the metals. Silver and platinum were the most common precious metals, with silver taking the place of gold in the scale of value. Then, almost as a joke, I asked about aluminium and told her how much I had. Rarity's jaw dropped. “You have aluminium? As in the complex to make metal made from rare bauxite, aluminium? And, how much did you say you had?” “About 250kg. Is it worth a lot?” She blinked. I noticed Fluttershy's and Rainbow Dash's jaws had dropped. “Um, Miss Rarity?” She composed herself and cleared her throat with a little difficulty. “A rough estimate? Let's just say you could buy half of Ponyville at retail and have some bits left over.” It was my turn to sit in stunned silence. I heard a long slow whistle from behind me. Rainbow Dash commented, “That's a lot of bits.” I gave my head a shake. My voice quavered a little. “So, lots of bits, got it.” I sat, still a little stunned. Rarity had sat down, digesting this new information. I heard Dash whisper, “Hey Fluttershy, I guess this stray's no deadbeat.” I was fairly sure that Rarity didn't hear it. I'm starting to wonder if my senses are sharper than that of ponies. Something else to add to the list. “Sorry, I'm still a little in shock. So, you're saying I have enough to set up a home here?” I sighed and smiled. “You know, this will be the first home I've had in almost 60 years. I've slept outside for half of that, the other half was in barns, inns, and castles a few times.” My voice broke, “But now... A home. I'll have a real home.” I found myself in the centre of a pony pile of hugs. Dash whispered, “Welcome home, big guy.”