The Who-Man
“I only have two questions. What the hay is that? And why is pest control in the Royal Guard quarter so lax?”
“Pffffft! That is one heck of a rat.”
Brute Force quickly held his tongue realising their voices were carrying across the Royal Guard quarter exercise yard. With a breath of relief he realised the thing they were regarding hadn’t heard them.
Were it not for the three of them, the yard would have been empty. Littered with several practice dummies, the bow-range and a plethora of steel-forged weight and exercise machines, the exercise yard was where guardsponies went to keep fit. Though during appointed meal times – like the dinner time at that very moment – it was usually empty. Ponies were usually too busy stuffing their faces like it could be their last meal to worry about calories. That kind of concern usually came after grub-time.
Privates Brute Force and Mercury had finished their food early and went to walk it off. And they had stumbled upon the third figure – a newcomer as far as they were concerned – in the exercise yard. They weren’t aware of any new cadets of late. Then again, they weren’t aware of a great many alien landings too, because that was what they saw doing sit ups in their exercise yard.
A freakin’ alien monster!
It was unlike anything they’d ever seen, and the privates had seen some freaky stuff. They’d seen flaming timberwolves, ursa majors, zombie griffins, trolls, rock ogres and many more things that could keep the bravest ponies awake at night. But this was entirely new.
Like a diamond dog, but with shorter, skinnier arms, a lot less hair and a much less predatory looking face… on second thought, the creature wasn’t quite like a diamond dog. It did seem to walk on two legs though. It’s ‘hooves’ were oddly elongated, and the forelegs weren’t used like legs at all. Those ended in hooves that had flexible looking digits kind of like the talons on a griffin. Five digits on each.
The head reminded both ponies kind of like a disfigured ape with an overbite. Small – almost freakishly small – pig-eyes, it had a stubby ridge that served as a nose. Most of the creature was bald revealing a pale-tan coloured skin with something of a pinkish hue. Though not much of the body was revealed.
Oddly enough it wore clothes, despite there being no formal event for miles. The garments looked like they were hewn together out of the typical undergarments guardsponies usually wore under their armour. The rough cloth covered the beast from the wrists up to the collar and all the way down the body to the ‘fetlocks.’ The lower hooves – the elongated ones it stood on – were wrapped in makeshift cloth and twine boots with padding on the soles.
“Do you think it’s uncomfortable, exercising in clothes?” Brute Force asked dumbly watching the alien monster sit back and perform a series of sit-ups.
“More importantly; do you think it’s dangerous?” Mercury almost squealed, prepared to run and ring some alarm bells.
As they considered the threat, they failed to realise that if the monster was indeed a monster it would be spending less time exercising in the yard and more time smashing things. Though luckily before the duo did anything stupid, Steel Block joined their entourage.
He smiled, trotting over. “What are you degenerates up to?” he joked in a heavy voice before following their frozen gazes. He too saw the alien creature and gave a nod, his smile fading. “Oh, I see.”
The trio watched the creature perform a few sit ups before Mercury broke the silence between them.
“He’s so dreamy.” She sighed out.
Brute Force coughed, wondering if he’d heard that right. “Did you just call that thing dreamy?”
“What? No! I called it freaky.” Mercury practically exclaimed.
“I heard dreamy.” Brute insisted.
Mercury violently shook her head. “I said; it’s so freaky.” She snipped impatiently. “Gah, open your freakin’ ears. How could a thing like that be dreamy?”
Letting out a gruff sigh, Steel Block quickly shook his head before correcting his fellows. “He’s not a thing. Who is a person.” The stallion explained.
Brute Force cocked an eyebrow. “Who is a person?”
“That’s what I just said.” Steel nodded.
“No-no, who is?”
“Who is.” Steel Block confirmed.
“What?”
“No, not what.” Steel Block snapped as Mercury butted in. “Who! Who the human.”
“What’s a who-man?” Brute Force asked slowly.
Steel Block sighed deeply. “No, darn it! He-is-a-human.” He enunciated slowly and clearly.
Brute Force’s frown deepened as he mulled it over. “What in Equestria is a who-man? Is that even a word?”
“No-no, Who Man is his name. Hue-man is the name of his species.” Steel Block explained like he was talking to a pair of idiots. Though for all intents and purposes, he really was talking to a pair of morons. “What we are looking at is a hue-man. He has a name, and his name is Who.”
Brute Force’s expression brightened. “Ooooooooh, now I get it!” – And suddenly he wore a sarcastic frown – “That’s not gonna get confusing at all.” Glancing between Mercury and Steel Block he added: “Where the hay did he come from?”
“I hear he died in his own world and his soul got lost.” Steel Block explained in short-hand. “Ended up above Equestria one night and Princess Luna mistook him for a shooting star. She re-materialised him by accident and now he’s stuck here.” The whole story was a bit more complicated than that, but Steel figured his friends neither wanted to know all the details, nor actually cared for them... and quite possibly lacked the brain capacity to comprehend all the details of the tale.
“That still doesn’t explain why the lanky monkey-rat baby is exercising in the Royal Guard quarter.” Mercury said before adding: “Our quarter.”
“He’s here because he’s a potential recruit with nowhere else to stay.” Steel Block said. “He’s staying in the unicorn barracks while working through Royal Guard selection.”
“He’s joining the guard?” Mercury gaped.
Brute Force made a similar expression. “Why in Equestria would he want to join the Royal Guard? He knows it’s just a bunch of guard duties, one after the other broken up by a few parades, right? He’s an alien monster! He can do anything he wants!”
Steel Block shook his head. “He’s joining the Royal Guard because he can’t do anything else.”
With a pause, Private Mercury slowly narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the giant stallion. “How do you know all this?” she asked slowly.
“I’m popular.” Steel Block said in a matter-of-factly tone. “Ponies talk to me, unlike you two nitwits. Besides, most of it I can figure out by using the simple science of deduction. Look at him. He doesn’t have wings, so a job in weather control is out of the question. Heck, he wouldn’t even be able to work at a rainbow factory because he can’t stand on clouds. Next, he doesn’t have any magic. Even with those graspers he could be a plumber or a tailor, but even still he’d quickly go out of business because unicorns have a clear advantage over his way of doing things. Finally he’s not as tough or as strong as earth-ponies, so farm work is out of the question. He’d just be run ragged and turn out more of a hindrance than help.”
“You really thought about this a lot haven’t you?” Mercury reasoned.
Brute Force on the other hand still couldn’t get over how the human wanted to voluntarily join the Royal Guard. “But why the Royal Guard?”
“Guard duty is a bunch of standing around and looking good. That is something even Who can do. That’s why he’s joining the Royal Guard.” Steel Block reasoned.
“It’s still doing a bunch of nothing.” Brute Force mumbled.
As he said it, Steel Block leaned over threateningly causing the smaller earth-pony to cringe.
“It’s better than doing nothing nothing. At least this way he’ll make a living.” Steel Block stated.
As they straightened up and watched the human flip himself over into a series of push ups, Mercury felt a new question nag her gray-matter.
“Hold on a second, why are you defending the freak of nature?” she asked bluntly.
Steel Block scowled at that comment. “He’s not a freak of nature, he’s just different. How would you feel if you were stuck in the human world as the only pony?”
Brute Force hummed thoughtfully considering how he would feel if their roles could indeed be reversed. Mercury on the other hoof was grinning faintly.
“Surrounded by those things? I’d go mad with desire.” She whispered, barely coherently.
“Mad with what?” Brute Force asked, needing a repeat of that last comment.
Mercury just twisted her face into a confused frown. “What do you mean; mad with what? I said I’d go mad.”
“Just mad?”
“Just mad.” Mercury assured before glancing oddly at her friends and shrugging. “What?”
Steel Block sighed with a roll of his eyes. “You’re both mad.”
The human switched up his training regime again. This time, every time he pushed himself up, he would hop into the air and clap his graspers together before smoothly landing and stooping low. Pausing, he would spring up again; clap; land.
“Well, whatever he is,” – Mercury sighed – “he’s practically a cadet. And in that respect I think we should go screw him.”
Brute Force scoffed, rubbing his ears vigorously since he seemed to be miss-hearing Mercury an awful lot. “Whoa, hold your horses now. What did you just say?”
“I said we should go screw with him.” Mercury re plainly.
“Oh, good. Because for a second there I thought you were suggesting we should-...”
“Don’t you degenerates have anything better to do with your time?” Steel Block interrupted.
“No, not really.” Mercury’s smile spread from ear to ear. “C’mon, Blocky! It’ll be fun. Might as well harden him for the ridicule that is waiting for him when he passes and becomes a cadet.”
Steel Block didn’t smile. In fact his expression remained deadly serious. “There are four very good reasons not to mess with Who.”
Mercury gave a bored sigh. “Oh, I sense another ‘science of deduction’ lecture. C’mon then, big-guy. Sock it to me.”
Steel Block began to explain, neatly listing off the reasons: “One; humans are omnivores. That means he’s like a griffin; eats both meat and vegetables. However, he’s living in Equestria meaning he’s forced to convert into vegetarianism quite suddenly. He’s suffered immediate culture shock and a sudden dietary change. That’s enough to make most folk quite snippy.
“Two; he died in his home world. That means he can never return. He will never see his loved ones ever again. He’s stuck in this universe until he dies... again. That realisation alone would make anypony angsty.
“Three; he’s the only one of his kind on the globe. To say he’s lonely, and thus frustrated goes without saying.
“And fou-...”
“Alright-alright,” – Mercury interrupted with a wave of her hoof – “I’ve heard enough. I don’t even need to hear reason four. So he’s an angsty, whiney little skin-monkey. I specialise in angsty, whiney little skin-monkeys.” She added with a sly smirk as she started walking over to where Who the human flipped over back into sit ups.
Steel Block gaped angrily following her. “... since when!?”
“If he wasn’t so angsty and whiney picking on him wouldn’t be fun!”
“You are a bad pony.” Brute Force chuckled. As much as his gut told him picking on the human was probably wrong, Brute Force couldn’t help himself when it came to picking on cadets. It was like tradition. There was no point giving Who any special treatment just because he was an alien freak.
Following that logic, it would be wrong for them not to pick on Who.
“Runs in the family.” Mercury answered Brute Force. “C’mon, it’s all jokes. I promise I’ll apologise if I make him cry.” She assured the towering stallion by her side.
Crossing the exercise yard, both Private Mercury and Brute Force approached the human. Steel Block, not wanting any part on picking on Who stood well back, but close enough so he could overhear. And unbeknownst to his friends, a small grin crossed the stallion’s lips.
As they approached, their hooves thudding heavily on the courtyard ground, Who spotted them. sitting up for a pause, the human wrapped his arms around his knees and caught his breath.
Mercury was the first to speak as she eyed him head to toe. “Well, you’re looking mighty fine for a dead guy.”
In response, Who immediately scoffed in an accent quite unfamiliar to the ponies. “Oh, you think I look fine, eh? Does that mean you have a fetish or are you just butt-ugly by pony standards driving you to hit on species that just don’t know any better?”
Mercury let out a confused ‘squee’ noise as her eyes widened. “Uh... w-... nothing on the dead guy comment?” she asked confused.
“Oh, so I died once. Whoop-de-friggin’-doo.” Who chuckled sarcastically. “Do you know how easy dying is compared to living? It takes a grand total of zero effort.”
Gaping, Brute Force gaped, glancing between his friend and the human. “I admit, I was expecting a little more trauma.”
That made Who laugh a little harder. “I’ll tell you what’s traumatising me right now;” he added looking at Brute. “it’s the foreign growth stuck to the front of your head... oh, wait. That’s just your face.”
Both Mercury and Brute Force blinked a few times before the mare opened her mouth again. “Something tells me he’s not as emotionally compromised as we initially suspected.”
“What gave it away? My badass dissing of you nitwits, or are you just friggin’ psychic?”
“Yeah... well... you’re... uh...” Mercury struggled to say, at a complete and total loss for words. “Weird looking!” she finally exclaimed.
Who just shook his head with disappointment before bringing his hands to his ears in preparation to resume sit-ups. “Coming from you that literally means absolutely nothing. Tell me; does it you take effort to be so freakishly butch?”
Mercury was stunned. Even Brute Force couldn’t come up with anything to say. Both of them took a step back, suspecting witch-craft. That was when it all sort of clicked into place when they heard a rumble. It sounded like the rumble of thunder at first. Turning their heads, Mercury and Brute Force saw it was in fact Steel Block; laughing as he slowly moved to join them.
“I tried to warn you.” Steel Block sighed with a sly grin. “Reason number four. Who’s a fighter. He gives as good as he gets. So if you’re taking him on, be prepared of the repercussions.”
“What about all that crud about dietary adjustment and angst and loneliness and stuff?” Brute Force exclaimed.
Steel Block laughed at that. “Do you degenerates really think Captain Shining Armour would let an alien creature with a compromised psyche even try out for the Royal Guard? What planet are you from!? Look at this guy! He’s like a rock. He’s over all that emotional hooey.”
Sitting up, Who gave a small smirk as he huffed for air. “Mostly, anyway. Would be nice to have a cheeseburger once in a while.” He added before dropping back again.
Mercury and Brute Force gaped, their only body parts moving were their eyes as they watched Who perform sit-up after sit-up. Eventually however, Brute Force found the words to match his feelings.
“We just got served, didn’t we?” he uttered with a smile.
“With a side of hay-fries.” Who interjected between sit-ups. “S’up, Steel Block?” he added before dropping back again.
“Nothing much. How’s selection going?” the stallion answered.
With a huff the human sat up and gave a slanted grin. “Pretty good.” – down, up – “My last written exam is tonight.” – down, up – “Then I move on to physicals tomorrow.” And he dropped down again.
“Neat.” Steel Block gave a confident nod. “You’ll be a Sol Guard in no time.”
Private Mercury glanced between Steel Block and Who, on the verge of screaming. “You two know each other!?” – Okay, so she screamed anyway; but she did hold-fast on the verge for a good couple of seconds – “How the hay do you two know each other!?”
“We have breakfast together every morning. Same routine for the better part of a year now.” Steel Block rumbled with a disappointed look. Disappointed because he realised his friends didn’t realise he wasn’t with them every morning. “Thanks for noticing, you guys.”
“That’s how you knew he was joining the guard, isn’t it?” Mercury dead panned after taking a few deep, cleansing breaths to purge the shock from her system. “You faked the science of deduction crud just to make us feel dumb, didn’t you?”
“It doesn’t take much to make you nitwits feel dumb, doesn’t it?” Who commented as he sat up and caught his breath. Slowly climbing to his feet, the human snatched up his towel from one of the exercise racks and gave the three ponies a wave. “I’ll catch you at breakfast tomorrow, Steel. I’mma hit the showers.”
Steel Block was the only one to wave back as Who moved briskly out of earshot. Not realising he couldn’t hear them anymore though, Mercury still called out after him.
“Can I come? I can help scrub your back.” She called a hint of allure nopony had ever heard her use before entering her voice.
“Merc!?” Brute Force exclaimed as Who disappeared from view. The pony was watching his friend as the mare actually batted her eyes at Who’s back for a fleeting moment. It was like she was possessed… or heck; perhaps replaced entirely! “Now I know I heard that properly! You just asked to join him in the shower!”
Cocking an eyebrow as her usual androgynous expression returned to normal, Mercury glanced sideways at the stallion. “Well it’s a valid question.” She stated as if it were obvious.
Brute Force seemed to take that as an answer and nodded with a slight cock of his head. It was only as Steel Block and Mercury trotted off leaving the private to ponder those words when a puzzled look crossed his face.
“W-wait… what!?”