//------------------------------// // The Most Bafflingly Brilliant Chapter Ever // Story: The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever // by InvertedInflux //------------------------------// “Well it turns out that the God of Chaos has figured out a way to defeat the Elements of Harmony. So we need you to help us.” Wait, did I just go back in time? HOLY SH- Ah wait, no, it's just a quick recap to the epic conclusion of the first segment. Damn it. Also time travel isn't much when you're currently in the land of the talking multicoloured horses. Not even LSD could have conjured this shit up. *** “Yeah sure, I'll help you defeat Discord.” “Discord? I didn't say his name. How did you know? Are you his spy?!” I don't even know how she reached that clearly racially-based conclusion. I'm black by the way. Would've mentioned that earlier but didn't think it would advance the plot then. To be honest, it hasn't now either. “Lucky guess.” “Oh, okay then.” That's about the level of complexity and banter you can come to expect from this story. Admit it, you're on the edge of your seat right now, practically drooling all over the screen. Feel free to make out with it if you see fit. Several moments passed as I waited for Twilight not to act like her boring self. Unfortunately, she lived up to the hype and returned to reading. I swear, once this story is done I'm publishing it and making her read it. This thing is gonna be like on par with the Bible when I'm done. “Sooo... what the fuck should I do?” “Oh, nothing right now. I'm waiting for Celestia to send something through. Go explore Ponyville!” Seriously? You drop this “the whole world's in danger” shit on me and then tell me to enjoy the town? In full knowing that my own life is at risk and could be brutally extracted at any given moment. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Oh yeah forgot, I need to get some mates. Or something like that. Life just seems generally a lot easier when animated. It's like “Oh no, the Unimaginably Evil Nightmare Moon has returned! Quick, common ponies unite and bring her down with friendship!” And it works. You don't have to worry about anything else. Diabetes sneaking in and striking you down when you're least expecting it? Nope. Cardiac Arrest? Nope. Spontaneous Combustion? Yes, actually. And she lived to tell the tale. Makes. No. Fucking. Sense. Whatsoever. Anyway, enough of this stupid tree-house, let's go visit the finest dysfunctional fuckwits Equestria has to offer. *** In all honesty, I was pretty excited now. This was confirmed by my raging erection which was currently confused, struggling between desire and moral integrity. I restrain myself from having a quick beat off and looked around. The first pony that I saw of any particular interest was the legendary Doctor Whooves. The peak of masculinity himself. If anypony would turn me bisexual it would be him for sure. There he was, chilling by the wall, swag levels over 9000 and rising. I stroll over, doing some sort of groovy jig as I move, trying to get into his elite bracket of coolness ( he was currently the only member). It seemed as to him it wasn't a groovy dance at all but instead some sort of mating call as he quickly began to flee in case of indecent sexual assault. Again, racism. Because I'm human, not because I'm black. You silly person. “Wait! I have to know, can you actually time travel?” I called out. Out of nowhere the TARDIS appears and he jumps in before being whisked away to fuck knows where. Seriously, ask Fuck. He knows all right. Guess he could time travel then. By the way, hope you enjoyed my vivid description of the TARDIS materialising after ripping the fabric of time and space itself. Really brought the scene to life there. But honestly, that was a legit dance I swear. Don't judge me. If you haven't already that is. Which is most likely. Now you are being racist. Okay who next should I pester? Pinkie Pie answered that question by popping out of fucking nowhere. Seriously, I almost had a heart attack right there. You think it's funny on TV with all her randomness but to see it in the flesh... fucking scary man. Flesh as in technicolour. She followed up that act by taking a huge breath before proceeding to talk. “Hey, I didn't get to take you around earlier! We shoul...” It was at that point I covered my ears. I wonder what would have happened first: my ears bleeding out or her getting throat cancer. Honestly, who can talk for that long? Someone must have dropped her on her head when she was young. Drop? Drop as in hurl off fucking Mt. Everest. Twice. The verbal onslaught eventually ended and she started to lead me through Ponyville. Of course, the talking resumed seconds later. Seriously, shut it Pinkie you nonsensical shitcunt. She seemed intent on leading me to the bakery where she worked? Really? Out of all the fucking places in this mythical land we go to a stupid bakery. Oh you think it's interesting? Believe me, I've seen it and it's nothing compared to MaccyDs. Fuck this. I flee the scene, screaming cries of anguish, claiming to have been violated, again to no response. I'm starting to think my play-acting doesn't really have the same affect as it does back on Earth. After a few minutes of aimless wandering, the boring details of which I excluded here (again, there I am, caring for the reader), I came to that town square place where all the good shit happens. You know the one. Well you better, because like everything else I ain't describing it in detail. Up ahead was Applejack and Applebloom selling... wait for it... WAIT FOR IT... YOU WAITING BOY?? Apples. Now did I tell you I was the smoothest dude around back on planet E? Well I was. I had pulled many a time. I was in such high demand I even considered putting an official advertisement up on Craigslist. Well now was the time to get my chirpse on. Let's hope my sick skills extend to horses. “Howdy partner, y'all interested in these apples?” Applejack asks. Now I know you can't hear her, but take my word for this; her voice was horny as fuck. She was practically begging to be taken to Pleasure Town. Yeah. Right there in front of Applebloom. Slut. “I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.” My words were as smooth as silk. The trap was set. My body was ready. Awaiting the bite... “Y'all say what now?” OOH YEAHHH– wait, what? I seem to be misinformed: she doesn't want it? Well to be fair, that line didn't work in Anchorman so I don't see how it would work on a horse. Still, according to the show, 99% of these ponies have never even touched the opposite sex. Either there's something dirty going on behind the scenes or they all pleasure themselves in private on a daily basis. I still don't know how I haven't had a bash yet. But don't worry, it's coming; IN GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR. “I'll have some apples is what I meant to say.” “Sure thing, that'll be four bits.” Woah, back the fuck up. Four bits? Four bits?! Inflation must have really hit Ponyville hard. I don't have any freaking bits. I don't even have an alternate set of clothes. To be fair; most of the ponies are naked. Wait, what's this? The fuck is this? Ah shit, it's another portal. Zap! (That's the sound portals make by the way. Why? Because I fucking said so, that's why. It's my story.) And now I'm in Celestia's castle. Transition too quick for you? Too bad. Ah look, the rest of the six are here too, now we can finally get started with saving the world. Now I don't know about you, but I've got the weirdest boner right now. And they're all staring at it. Oh God.