The Guard Duty
The silence was shattered, quite literally spit in two by a sigh of all things. Canterlot Tower was so quiet, Private Brute Force could have heard a pin drop. But at least the falling of a pin would have been a definitive, singular noise.
This wasn’t so much a noise as it was an annoyance. First the sharp inhale through the nostrils, followed by a hiss of air escaping his fellow guard’s lungs through her pursed lips. And it wasn’t just the annoyance of the sound.
In the corner of his eye, Brute Force could see the mare heave her shoulders. Upward slowly as she inhaled, then a rapid – almost succumbing – slump with the exhale. It was hardly a motion befitting of Princess Celestia’s royal Sol Guard.
During training Brute Force had learned that standing guard was about discipline and focus. The trick was to pick a point between spaces. Somewhere in front of you, but not quite there. That way if something was hovering on your nose, it wouldn’t distract. And the stalwart, unmoving posture was what made Royal Guard so imposing.
Clearly Private Mercury didn’t fully understand that… or she just didn’t care at present.
While Private Brute Force was staring at his spot in space before him – standing to rigid attention – he could just about see the mare in his peripheral vision. The other earth-pony was – build aside – identical to Brute Force.
A sturdy earth-pony build with a light off-white coat and a cropped navy mane and tail; she was androgynous enough that unless you either knew her or heard her speak she could be mistaken for a stallion. The armour weighing down her body was a charcoal colour, and not the usual ceremonial build other Royal Guard regiments wore. The earth-pony regiments were mostly combat engineers and mechanised divisions who operated heavy weapons and siege machines. But above all, the most important earth-pony regiment was the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment.
It wasn’t a regiment that was widely known or celebrated, but that did not make them any less important. In fact, the shields were a regiment celebrated in their own way. They were celebrated by the lives of fellow guardsponies they had saved. But the shields were not medics or waterboys. They were exactly as advertised in the name.
The shields were shield-bearers. As such their armour was thicker, heavier than the normal guardspony uniform and covered their bodies from the head right down to the fetlocks, leaving very little exposed. Even their hooves were iron-clad, making them walking tanks. Their helmets lacked the fanciful crests, and were instead mounted with extensive plating that would make a head-butt quite lethal. On their shoulders were mounts for the large plate-metal shields they carried into battle.
The shields they would normally carry – or iron-wings as they were often called – were more than shields though. They were weapons, used to bash apart enemy lines. They were moving barriers that allowed the frontline of guard to move under hail of enemy arrows. They bore standards of varying regiments, and their unflinching approach to the enemy lines struck fear in anything that crossed their path. Devastation, protection and intimidation, all rolled into one. Were it not for the Elements of Harmony the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment could’v been considered a weapon of mass-destruction.
Still… they were earth-ponies. Sure they were tough, but they couldn’t fly. They couldn’t perform feats of magic. The earth-pony regiments were brutes. Their home was the battlefield. So in times of peace, there was nothing for them to do but stand guard.
Hence Privates Brute Force and Mercury standing either side of the mighty vault doors containing the Elements of Harmony. In essence, the doors were impenetrable by normal means. In essence, there should be no need for guards. But what else to do with the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment? There was no other use for them outside battle, not even a ceremonial position.
So they rotated guard duty, guarding anything and everything they could. Anything to keep busy.
Though, guard duty wasn’t exactly doing something per-se. And in that respect, Brute Force couldn’t really fault Mercury’s apparent boredom.
Another sigh pierced the air. Brute Force’s eyes slowly shut and he took a calming breath. Even though he had just thought the above, the sighing was starting to electrocute his nerves.
“Did you just sigh again?” Private Brute Force asked in a low tone, irritable emphasis in his voice.
In his peripheral vision he could just about see the mare beside him shrug. “What of it?”
“That’s like the fiftieth time in the past ten minutes.” Brute Force reasoned.
“More like seventh time.” – he saw Mercury break guard discipline completely and turn her head to look at him – “Can you even count?”
Brute gnashed his teeth for a moment wondering if he would get in trouble by default if Mercury got in trouble. “If princess Celestia comes up here and hears you sigh we are dead.” He reasoned, stabilising his tone.
Private Mercury let out a soft snort. “Why would Princess Celestia come all the way up here? Nothing important ever happens up in this tower.” Yet another sigh escaped her lungs as she straightened out her posture again. “And that’s kind of why I’m bored!”
A subtle frown tore up Brute Force’s chiselled expression. “You’re kidding, right? Did you just say the tower containing the vault that contains the Elements of Harmony never has anything interesting happen to it?”
“The only reason the princess would come up here would be to retrieve the Elements of Harmony. And she’d only do that in a time of crisis.” Private Mercury proceeded to explain, showing off exactly how much time she had to think about all of this. “And if there was a time of crisis, I’m sure we would have heard about it. Unless there’s another Changeling invasion. Then maybe not. There could of course be a secret war going on. A war in the shadows. With dark forces converging on this very position as we speak.” She finished up ominously like she was telling a scary pony-tale.
Brute Force blinked hard a few times. In those few motions of his eyelids he lost the point between spaces he’d been staring at. Considering he’d lost his focus anyway, he may as well go the full way. Very slowly craning his head, he averted his gaze from the great hall leading up to the vault and locked his eyes on Mercury. She was looking right back at him, a small grin on her muzzle.
Brute Force’s almost trademark sarcastic frown didn’t alter. He just stared at her for a moment before very slowly averting his gaze down the great hall again.
After a quick calculation of how much time had passed, Brute figured there wasn’t going to be a snap-ambush. “Somehow I don’t think so, Merc.” He added with a sigh.
Great, the stallion thought to himself as he realised what he’d just done. She’s got me doing it now.
Averting her own gaze towards the great hall too, Mercury shrugged. “Fine. But if Celestia comes up here-...”
“Princess Celestia.” Brute Force corrected.
Mercury rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If she comes up here, she’ll have a darn good reason. It would mean something was happening for once. Imagine what that’d be like, to be at the heart of the action for once. She opens up the vault and she’s all like:” – Mercury’s voice suddenly changed as she put on her very best impression of Princess Celestia – “The Elements of Harmony! They’re gone! And then we’d be all like: Bw-uuuuuuh?” in all honesty her impression of Princess Celestia was really good. But the impression of herself letting out a bamboozled cry was even better. Brute Force would know; she’d used it in genuine situations plenty of times before.
Brute Force slowly decided he was getting bored as well, so the private started playing along. “Because we are so good at our job, we would’ve noticed somepony sneaking in, then sneaking out laden down with fabulous swag.”
Mercury gasped. “That could only mean one thing stole the Elements.” She said with almost genuine terror. If she never joined the guard she would have made a decent actress.
“Diiiiiscoooooord!” Brute Force sang dramatically in a high voice. “So we kick his flank into next week and trot home with a couple of medals.” He paused, shifting his eyes to looking at Mercury sideways. “No?” he finally asked when he got no reply.
Mercury shook her head. “Too easy.”
“Okay then...” Brute Force paused to think before he grinned broadly. “He attacks us with flying monkeys!”
Mercury mimicked his grin, liking that. She could almost see it now, a flock of winged monkeys in bell-boy outfits swarming all over the princess like a tantrum driven horde of screaming foals – pulling at her mane and everything.
“And Princess Celestia would be all like: Nooooo! Flying monkeys! My only weakness! But I’m like: Ha! Bring it on, Discord! Your flying monkeys are no match for Stonewall Company’s eyeball laser-beams!” Mercury announced charging up her company-given super-powers.
“Pew-pew!” Brute Force cried shooting bolts of light from his pupils. “Take that, flying monkeys. Pew-pew!”
“Then I’ll be all like: Get off the princess, stupid monkey! Pew-pew-pew!” flashes of crimson energy seared the air, blasting the flying monkeys off of Celestia’s back.
Though the imaginary scene instantly dissolved when the tower doors open on the far end of the great hall. With a wood and metal clunk the locks were released and one of the heavy doors swung inward, lightly grazing the plush carped running between the vault and the doorway.
The fresh silence that fell as Brute Force and Mercury shut their mouths and snapped back into a proper guard-stance was pierced by heavy armoured hooves thudding on the carpet. The way the duo faced they automatically inspected the approaching newcomers.
Clad in the heavy earth-pony regimental armour, Colonel Hard Candy and Staff Sergeant Buckshot made their way along the great hall, barely looking away from the privates standing guard on the far end. They had seen the murals and stained windows decorating this part of the palace so often, they paid the colourful works of art no mind. But it was not only the monotony of the environment that drove their focus, but also their purpose.
Colonel Hard Candy was the commanding officer of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment. And it suited her. Earth-pony shield-bearers were built tough and stubborn. Hard Candy personified this. She never took ‘no’ for an answer. She always had her way. She never back down and if you crossed her... well, you’d best start digging a grave.
Staff Sergeant Buckshot on the other hand... let’s just say there was a reason the ponies of Stonewall Company liked their cycloptic company commander better than the regiment commanding officer.
Staff Sergeant Buckshot was kind of a typical sergeant, sure. He had a loud voice that could carry through bunker walls. He usually ran the ponies under his command ragged with drills; oh and don’t get him started on drills. The staff sergeant loved order and official-ness. But the one thing he loved more than that was seeing ponies perform drills with ‘by-the-book’ precision. Hoof-drills, shield-drills, retreat-drills, attack-drills, power-drills. If it had the word ‘drill’ in it, he loved it. He’d love it more than that black eye-patch he was never seen without.
Many ponies would still wonder why Stonewall Company liked their staff sergeant if he ran them ragged with drills. The truth of the matter was, drills kept them busy. Is sure beat hanging around the billets all day, and sure as heck beat guard duty. And while Buckshot kept the ponies under his command busy and wired tight most of the time, he was at least one of those sergeants you could get along with.
Crack a joke and he might punish you with push-ups, ridicule or death threats, but he wouldn’t ever take your dignity. No matter what he did, he treated the guard in his company with respect. Almost like equals...
‘Cept he was slightly more equal than the rest of the company because he was the staff sergeant and the rest of them were ‘maggots.’
I think perhaps the main reason the members of Stonewall Company liked Staff Sergeant Buckshot was the fact he treated them like grown-ups; he’d respect them enough to let them do their jobs without interfering; let them get away with minor mistakes, trusting they would fix errors and learn for the future on their own. Unlike Colonel Hard Candy who considered all the guard under her command as directionless foals.
And her presence in the Canterlot Tower was evidence of that kind of attitude. She was obviously making her rounds, inspecting each of the ponies in the regiment to make sure they were doing their jobs to adequate standards.
“Privates!” the colonel snapped in a snippy, impatient voice. “Report!”
“Sir!” both Brute Force and Mercury barked at the same time before the stallion took over for the report. “Nothing to report, sir!”
That made Staff Sergeant Buckshot smile. As he peeled back his lips to show off two rows of polished white teeth, he worked the cigar stub lodged in one corner of his mouth to the other.
“Beautiful!” the sergeant grunted proudly as the privates reported in a fashion so official it was like they were ticking off mental-checklists on the fly. “And you two haven’t broken anything yet, have you?”
“Sir, no sir!”
Staff Sergeant Buckshot let out a heavy chuckle before nodding. “Good!” – his cigar stub worked back across his mouth and lodged itself in the far corner like it had a mind of its own. “Carry on!”
“Hoo-ah!” the two privates grunted in reply.
Dismissing themselves, Hard Candy and Buckshot turned to leave. The staff sergeant trotted slowly in a small semi-circle. Hard Candy on the other hoof turned swiftly about face on the spot and marched in the lead. As they went, Buckshot turned his gaze to the colonel with a crooked grin.
With the natural boom of his voice it was impossible for Brute Force and Mercury not to hear. “They’re still here, and they haven’t fouled up quite yet. Satisfied?”
“I’m never satisfied.” The duo heard the colonel complain before she stepped through the tall doors.
Following her out, the staff sergeant reached back and pulled shut the doors with a heavy thud that echoed through the empty, silent great hall.
The moment the great doors clicked shut, Mercury was right back into the action-fantasy. “The princess is saved!” she called, but she suddenly gasped, terror flooding her expression. “But, oh no! Discord took Colonel Hard Candy hostage!”
Brute Force furrowed his brow. “It’s too late for her! We have to think about the greater good of Equestria! Pew-pew!” he fired his eyeball laser-beams at Discord anyway, regardless of the irritable hostage being held.
“And Hard Candy is all like:” – Mercury’s impression shifted to one of the colonel, and like Princess Celestia’s it wasn’t half bad. Everypony was pretty sure Colonel Hard Candy might even recognise herself if she heard it – “My leg! You shot me in the leg! Private Brute Force, this negligence will be going in your permanent record!” – Her voice then shifted to a more maniacal tone – “Then Discord is all like: Mwua-hahahaha! Puny mortal ponies! Your eyeball laser-beams cannot harm me!”
“Oh, yeah, Discord?” Brute Force growled, steadying his stance as if ready to form a shield-line. “Well how about a whole company of eyeball laser-beams!?”
Mercury laughed, matching his stance “And then all of Stonewall Company shows up in a badass display of badasserry!” she imagined the ground rumbling, and the very foundations of Canterlot cracking as a row of iron clad earth-ponies marched up by their sides. “And we be all like: Pewpewpewpewpew! ‘Questria, heck-yeah!”
As the eyeball laser-beams filled the air between them and their foe, Brute Force imagined Discord writhing around as he was consumed in smoke and fire; clawing at the air while promising vengeance! “And Discord’s all like: Noooooo! Curse you, Stonewall Company! I’m no match for your badassery!” reaching out to his side, Brute Force held up his hoof to Mercury. “And that’s what makes Stonewall Company awesome.”
Mercury whooped, meeting his hoof-bump with a metallic cling! “Booyeah!”
A long pause of silence submerged the air around the guardsponies. They both straightened up and stood to rigid attention once more, but this time with dreamy grins plastered over their faces. But quickly enough Brute Force’s expression shifted to a deadpan look once more.
“... and then we spend the rest of the day guarding this stupid tower.” He finally said, ending the buzz rather abruptly. “You’re a dummy, you know that?”
Another long silence passed between them as Mercury’s worried look intensified with every passing second. Eventually she couldn’t handle it anymore and nearly exploded.
“Hey, Brute?” she squeaked.
“Yeah.” Brute Force Grunted.
“How awesome are we?”
Brute Force’s face barely moved other than his mouth working to speak. “We’re guarding the Elements of Harmony, the single most destructive force on the planet. Does that even warrant answering?”
Mercury paused to cringe – that wasn’t really the ‘yeah/nah’ answer she was hoping for. “Just gimme a scale of one to ten.”
“Scale of one to ten?” Brute Force asked. “Fine! I think we’re at a fourteen… eleven at the very least.”
Yet another pause as Mercury mulled that over with a confused expression. Eventually she asked: “Can you even count from one to ten?”
“Merc, I guard an impenetrable vault door for a living. I think counting is a little above my pay-grade.” Further avoiding the question, Brute Force added: “Heck, anypony could do our job… anypony could do our job better than we do our job.”
“But… we’re still awesome though… right?”
Breaking his discipline again, Brute Force turned his head to look at his partner. Seeing she was sufficiently tortured, Brute Force let a grin pull at his lips.
Turning his head forward again, the private felt the grin stay put. “Whatever puts you to sleep at night.”