//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Vitamins, Nutrients, and Ponies You Live With // Story: My Daily Dose of Carotene // by Stillmatic //------------------------------// My Daily Dose of Carotene Chapter 5: Vitamins, Nutrients, and Ponies You Live With By: Stillmatic Carrot Top Lyor mouthed something to me, but I got the message pretty quickly, “Don’t worry, I understand. Telekinesis isn’t all that fun.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at this kind of stuff. Unicorns always got so grabby with their magic. So to help out Lyor, I just gave Twilight’s horn a flick, disrupting the magic around him and forcing it to poof away. He looked really tense all of a sudden after dropping, probably because of a random pony he doesn’t know coming out of nowhere and grabbing him like that. I knew Twilight was a bit anti-social, but even she had to have the common sense to respect somepony’s space, right? Right? He crossed his arms and glared her down, “Just who the hell do you think you are? You can’t just grab a person off the street like that. Where’s that one cop? Maybe he can-” “No!” She shouted out loud, smacking her hooves to her mouth fast. After pulling them away sheepishly, she took a breath and tried to give him her friendliest look. “I’m sorry about that, it’s just that, well... you’re human.” … Hmm... Human, eh? So that’s what Lyor is. Normally, I wouldn’t be all that interested in something like this, but this seemed different... felt different, too. How exactly does something that only Twilight’s heard of end up near Ponyville of all places? Well, he was technically in the Everfree for a while, so it might’ve been something from there. Inside, I was sighing. As easy as it would be to abandon Lyor and let him fend for himself here, I think I’d actually feel real bad about it. He didn’t exactly get here in the best condition, and I kinda felt it was my duty to do something about helping him. Granted, it was weird how not many ponies freaked out about him, but I felt things were definitely going to get strained in time. He scowled, “Oh, you’re racist? Or...” His brows furrowed, “... Speciesist..?” “You know, she might be,” I added jokingly. “I could see that.” Twilight’s mouth just fell at that, “W-What? No! Listen, it’s really important that I talk to you,” she looked both ways, “away from everypony else. A human ending up in Equestria is rare, very rare.” Why did that come off as really ironic? Lyor didn’t look amused by any of that, “So, what you’re saying is that there have been others before me?” “Yes! Now I can explain it further if you just come into my library!” She was really getting desperate about this, wasn’t she? I cleared my throat to grab her attention, “Twilight, why do we have to go to your library? Can’t you just say it here?” Her expression suddenly turned grave, “No. I’m sorry, but every human that ever entered Equestria was murdered not too long afterwards.” She looked directly at him, “The less time you spend out in the open, the better.” Lyor begrudgingly nodded, “Lead the way, then. Not like I can shoot someone without any bullets anyway. Even though I’m pretty sure you’re just making up the murdering part.” Murder..? In Equestria? That’s a bit far-fetched, isn’t it? I've never heard of anypony being murdered before. At least... I think so? Why was Lyor so calm about it? And why am I asking all these questions to no one in particular and not Twilight? Mysterious. If he wasn’t going to panic, then I wasn’t either, “Come on, Twilight, you can’t be serious about that part, can you?” Twilight gave me an annoyed look, as if I was being a nuisance or something, “Sorry Carrot Top, but this doesn’t really concern you. I need to speak to him in private right now.” Did she just... No, she couldn’t have... Was she seriously disrespecting me on that level? Luckily, my new human friend wasn’t very happy with hearing that. Lyor crossed his arms again, this time fixing a glare at that bookworm, “Whoa, what the hell are you talking about? She’s the one that saved me, you dipstick.” He let his arms fall, “Besides, I need someone here other than Rarity that isn’t a complete mess of social skills. Unlike some others I’ve seen here today...” Oh darn, that was good. Twilight sighed in exasperation, “Fine! She can come, but we have to go now!” That was quick. Might as well speed ahead a bit... You know, I’ve never heard of a human before, but they’re pretty interesting. They really aren’t all that different from a pony when you consider it, but we definitely don’t look the same... Okay, that was pretty obvious, actually. I don’t know I bothered saying that last part. Moving on, me and him were making small talk while he looked at himself in a mirror and Twilight was grabbing books from all over. That mare needed to calm down a bit. Anyway, I had a lot of time to look Lyor over while he was in the hospital, but seeing him up and about made him come off kinda different. Pants, shoes, and that really weird looking vest were all that I could that he was wearing right now. When I asked him if humans normally dressed like he did now, he told me he felt like he was “part of Secret Service and just had a tryst with the First Lady.” I don’t know what that meant, but it definitely didn’t come off as comforting. But what I mainly focused on was his face, or rather his head. There sure was a lot of thick stubble around his mouth, which he was fussing over right now. I guess being asleep for a week will do that to a stallion’s face. But honestly, if you asked, I probably couldn’t describe his skin tone past light-skinned. And at the top of his head was red hair cut short and clean. Of course, the color of it was nothing in comparison to my mane, but that’s another story for another time. I wonder if all humans looked like this... Probably not... “The worst part? I always knick my left cheek. Always. There’s never been a time where I haven’t shaved and accidentally cut it,” Lyor finished. Oh darn, I spaced out, didn’t I? Good thing he didn’t notice. “Knew a guy who said I was damned to live with the curse of always cutting my cheek, but then again, this was the guy who seemed to think that his family was cursed to die on Tuesdays.” He scoffed, “New Yorkers. Not only does their baseball team suck a fat wad, but they’re all crazy. I’m telling you, they’re way out there.” I really had no idea what Lyor was talking about at this point. I thanked Celestia when Twilight pulled us toward a table loaded with books and sat us down. “Alright, now I’ve brought some books on humans throughout Equestrian history,” Twilight began. “Almost all of them were murdered in some way and without a culprit, except for two males that killed each other in battle. Did you happen to know any of them?” She asked hopefully, a sketchpad and quill floating up in front of her. Lyor’s look was priceless, “You’re joking, right? How the hell would I know anyone who came here before me?” “Every question is worth asking,” Twilight mumbled, jotting down notes. I rapped on the table to get her attention, “But Twilight, didn’t you say that all those humans have been dead for-” “Centuries? I did. But what I’ve discovered is that roughly the same time humans seemed to stop coming to Equestria, tax money from Canterlot was allocated to funding something called the ‘Human Protection Program’.” “So basically,” Lyor folded his fingers together and rested his head on them, “the Witness Protection Program for guys and gals like me who somehow got here. Riveting. So, how did these fellas before me get offed?” Twilight’s ears fell quicker than Pinkie Pie’s mouth spoke, “W-Well...” “Come on, spit it out. I don’t got all day, ya know.” I grabbed the nearest book and flipped it open to a random page. I started reading the first paragraph I saw and felt my hooves shake, “... Wow...” That was... I actually feel sick right about now. Really sick. I dropped the book and ran to the nearest trash bin. I really don’t need to say what happened, do I? Somepony was holding my mane back, and I could feel the tingling running down my spine at the touch, so I figured it was Twilight using her magic to help me out. After I was done, I lifted my head and wiped away the tears in my eyes. I really hated that feeling you get from stuff like this. I really do. It felt so disgusting. But when I looked back, it became kind of obvious that it wasn’t magic that was giving me that tingling feeling. Lyor let go of my mane, which thankfully didn’t get any puke on it. I shuddered at the thought, breaking his concerned look into some small smile. He grabbed the book and began skimming around, but here’s the kicker: He was reading it, and not getting sick. I’m just standing there, wiping away throw-up from my mouth and gargling some water Twilight gave me, while Lyor isn’t bothered in the least! You see something wrong with this, right? Or is it just me? I don’t think it’s just me. It has to be him, or something. Probably. Twilight bit her lip, and scribbled fast, “Insensitivity to disturbing content...” Lyor looked up long enough to give her a look, “What’s disturbing is your lack of etiquette. I’m right here. If you wanted to make a case about how I read something, why didn’t you just ask like any normal person?” “Person..?” That was taken down too, “Mister..?” “Just call me Lyor.” “Mister Lyor,” Oh, he definitely did not like the sound of ‘mister’, “why weren’t you caught off guard like Carrot Top was? I didn’t really do much better when I first read it, but you obviously didn’t feel shocked by what you read.” My new human friend held the book with one hand and just started moving the other around to go along with his lecture, “This stuff? It literally just says on that one part that some chick aired-out a guy with a shotgun. That isn’t the worst thing out there. Sure isn’t good, but not the worst.” You know, I was still feeling a bit queasy from this whole thing, but none of what he just said really reassured me that I was making the right choice here. But even I have to admit that some of it got me curious. Sweet Celestia, I must look like a sicko for thinking that. But I mean, it is for his safety, right? And that’s pretty important, right? I took a breath. Right. “So what’s a shotgun?” I asked as innocently as possible. Just to sweeten the deal, I kicked up the cute factor by tilting my head to the side a bit and fluttered my eyelashes twice. “Is this the part where I become a literal encyclopedia of all human knowledge, history, and culture and mention my hatred for mankind? I feel like this is the roughly approximate point, even if I wouldn’t believe what I say. God knows I hate a whiny misanthrope.” He ran a finger against his stubble in thought, “But, I bet if I had a shotgun, the worst that would have happened was maybe a few blood spatters from those damn dogs.” That sounded kind of gruesome. I liked the fact he saved me, but I really want to put it behind me. Still, I guess I owe him that he’s at least considering the idea of helping me earlier instead. But he honestly seemed to be taking this too well. Humans are just like that, maybe. “Dogs?” Twilight asked, “What dogs? As in Diamond Dogs?” Lyor put the book down and sat, “Forget it. Just get back to this whole murder thing you’re trying to sell.” “I’m not trying to sell anything! It’s fact that humans were killed off only after each one was alive here for a few weeks!” Twilight let that hang for a few seconds. I know he didn’t feel it himself, but I was sort of afraid. The way he just brushed off hearing this stuff was weird, and it worried me. I didn’t want him getting hurt or killed by some monsters from centur- Ugh. That’s it. How didn’t I see this earlier? I cleared my throat, “Twilight, if all that happened so long ago, what makes you so sure that whatever was doing it is still alive?” She didn’t have an answer to that. Didn’t consider that, did you? (If you ever read this, Twilight, you should know that I never really meant anything bad with what I said about you. You’re just... different, is all. Yeah. Different.) “Yeah, that’s right.” Lyor rested back, “Nothing can live centuries. I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear here.” And that, mares and gentlecolts, is how you get Twilight to start talking a lot. By saying something like that. That darn unicorn perked right up, “Actually, there are several beings in and out of Equestria that have lived thousands of years.” Oh Goddesses, the smugness. “Both of the Princesses are immortal, as is Discord. I’m sure there’s more too.” He sat forward again, thinking, “Princesses? Hmm... Why am I talking to you and not them again?” Twilight looked confused, “Huh?” “No really, why shouldn’t I just go and talk to them myself? If they’re immortal, they’ve probably been around long enough for them to know how to get me back fully intact.” Hah! Okay, admit it, hearing that was pretty funny, wasn’t it? A random... human can’t just go and see the Princesses whenever he wants! “You can’t just go and see Princesses whenever you want!” Lyor’s face went neutral, “Why.” I’d just like to remind everypony that he’s new to this place. How could he know that the Princesses are super-busy every single day of their immortal lives trying to keep this country running? I sure didn’t, up until Twilight mentioned it. “The Princesses are busy every single day, trying to keep Equestria running; they don’t have time for one pony’s whim.” Lyor stood and grabbed her by the collar of her neck and held his grip, “Listen, I’m not messing around here. I need to get home, so you’re going to get those Princesses off their lazy asses and do it for me! Because you’re really starting to aggravate me, and I may not be all muscle, but I can sure make your life hell pretty easily.” Oh no… Twilight gulped, “A-Are you threatening me?!” I never thought I’d ever use this word, but I think it’s appropriate. Lyor “guffawed”, brushed off her shoulder and set her down with a smile, “Of course not. But I’m just making sure you take note of the fact that you scratching my back would be in your best interest.” I saw Twilight actually motion her hoof behind him, “I didn’t mean the back part literally. Just set up an appointment with whoever’s in charge for as soon as possible. Now get to it.” Wow. That was a complete turnaround… Did he intend it that way? Twilight looked a bit, well, more than a bit, but she was scared. Not “scared-for-her-life-scared”, but more like “oh-Goddesses-what’s-happening” scared. You may not know it, but there’s a big difference there. She nodded like she was still intimidated and grabbed a fresh scroll, “I-I’ll see what I can do.” Lyor gave her a pat on the head and motioned to the door, “Come on, let’s leave her to it.” He saw me give a concerned look toward Twilight and rolled his eyes, sorta smiling and mouthing “she’s fine.” Eh, not like I was empathetic for long, so I just walked out with him and closed the door behind me. Who was I to argue anyway? He seemed to know what he was doing. I think. But threatening Twilight to get what he wanted… Oh Celestia, I hope this doesn’t bite me in the flank later on. Worst part? I still felt like supporting him. Either I can’t recognize danger, or I’m just too lenient with him. He’s a grown stallion, so he can definitely handle his own problems. And they didn’t seem that bad. He just needs somepony to look after him, just in case. I looked back at Twilight scribbling away. Oh yeah, definitely needs somepony. “Now, before we were interrupted, you were talking about seeing someone?” I rattled my brain for a sec, “Hmm… Oh yeah! I wanted to introduce you to my roommate. She’s really real.” You know, I didn’t think he’d recognize that last bit, but it looked like he did when he almost laughed. I didn’t think they would have movies where he was from, but who doesn’t love Really Real: The Blueblood Story? Other than being amazing and really high-budget, the special effects were unbelievable. “Really real, huh?” Lyor cracked his neck while we walked through Ponyville, “That brings back memories.” See? Even he loved it. So it went on like that for another fifteen minutes, us talking and asking questions while we got closer to my house. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Carrot Top, why do you own a house and not live on your farm? Wouldn’t that make more sense?” The answer to that is I hate being so far from Ponyville. I may own a farmhouse with more than enough room, but it just wouldn’t feel like a home without being in the town my family’s lived in for generations. Does that make sense? I don’t know, but I’m not changing my mind. Besides, living in Ponyville has its perks if you compare it to the Root of Health Farms (that’s what my farm’s called). Close to the market and other businesses, my friends are nearby, and most importantly, I don’t wake up on the property next to hers.  Ugh… I didn’t want to even think about that. That’s always a real downer. We eventually got to my house and I learned a few things about Lyor that actually got me more interested in him. I don’t know if he would want me saying anything, so I’ll zip it for now. You know, just in case. “Nice place. I like the patio.” It was true. It really was the nicest of what I think were only two in Ponyville. The only other pony I knew that was willing to invest the bits to buy the real estate space for that was Filthy Rich, and well, the only reason either of us have one is because of a drunken bet between us. Before you get all “holier-than-thou” on me, I didn’t need to spend a bit that wasn’t on making it myself. Both of us had the room beforehoof, he just hired somepony to do it for him. What a wimp, right? “I built it myself,” I replied a bit too happily. Oh Goddesses. I probably looked like an idiot. But what really surprised me was when he walked through the front yard and looked at almost everything, “And the landscaping is great too. Lemme guess…” Why did that make me give him such a dumb smile, whyyyyy, “Me. Glad you like it, it took a lot of time to do.” So after all that happened, we went inside and sat in my kitchen. Now, I consider myself a pretty modest mare. I work hard, I get paid good money for my vegetables, and I try to live comfortably. But my kitchen was the last thing that actually represented that about me. “What the hell.” Lyor seemed perfectly fine with my house up until this point, “I did not expect this.” “Okay, I admit it.” I couldn’t help but just slump a little, “I may spend a bit extra here. But I swear, those countertops aren’t even the really expensive granite from-“ He gave me a weird look, “Wait, what? I’m talking about the fact you have electricity here.” Uhh… did I miss something? “… Of course I have electricity. Who doesn’t? I pay my bills, you know.” Lyor seemed like an okay guy, but now he looked really confused. Didn’t they have fridges and microwaves and toasters and all that stuff where he was from? That’s sort of the basic stuff for a kitchen. I just buy a lot more of the specific appliances. “I didn’t mean that either. I’m surprised you guys have all of this.” He pointed to toaster, “Like that. From walking around in a town full of thatched roofs and cobblestone streets, I didn’t exactly expect to see something like a toaster or a blender. Surprisingly advanced given what I-“ I heard that familiar crash against the door, which wasn’t all that new. Obviously. Anyway, when Lyor heard it, he practically jumped out of his skin. I can’t say it frightened him, because as soon as it happened, he bolted up and pulled out that knife I saw him use earlier. It was actually kind of funny to see him waving it around in such a paranoid way. I should probably keep him away from the kitchen knives. You know, just in case. “Calm down,” I waved him away with a hoof, as nonchalantly as a pony can do when a weird species starts swinging a small knife, “It’s just my roommate.” Lyor’s eyes looked around as he settled back down and put the knife away, “Your roommate has a battering ram?” Huh. So he knows about the rams from the Green Steppes? Most ponies might see a goat or something during their lives, but even I haven’t seen a ram. Maybe he knows more than he lets on. I watched him stare at the door. Maybe. “Door’s unlocked!” I called out. “As in don’t break it down!” And boom, in comes Derpy. Yeah, she’s a pretty nice roommate to have. Always offers to pay rent (I turn her down), cooks some great food, and is probably the friendliest mare in Ponyville. Who doesn’t love her? Celestia knows how many stallions go after her. Kinda funny when you think about it. She has all of them running after her, she’s oblivious, and I was in a relationship with him. Lyor noticed me shudder, “What’s wrong? Want me to get rid of her?” “What?! No!” I shouted. “Derpy, come meet our guest!” For some reason, ponies that don’t know her tend to assume she’s slow, and they don’t even realize how wrong they are. I guess it’s her eyes? One of them rotated towards Lyor. He looked kind of creeped out, so I gave him a gentle nudge with one of my legs from under the table. This human did not seem pleased by that. But that was practically gone once Derpy was in his face and flapping her wings in excitement. She was always easy to get going. “Oh my gosh! You’re famous!” Derpy put her hooves to her mouth and squealed, “Oooh! A joo-mun!” Lyor backed his chair up a bit, “Sorry to break it to you, but I’m only half-Jewish. The other half is Irish.” Even if she gets confused, Derpy just tends to look past it instantly, “Wow! Really? I know a-a…” It seemed like anytime you put him into a chair, he started to lean back, “As ungodly cliché as this is probably going to sound for some reason that I can’t even begin to understand, I’m a human.” What? “Wait, why would that be cliché?” He shrugged. “Hmm. So, Derpy, this is Lyor. Lyor, this is Derpy, my roommate!” My fine, feathered friend plopped her flank into a seat and stared at him in amazement, “So it’s a hyoo-min! That sounds like it more sense now that you’ve said it! Like my dad always used to say, ‘Enunciate Derpy, enunciate!’ And it only took me eighteen years to look it up in a dictionary.” Lyor was obviously confused, so I asked the obvious question, “Derpy, how did you even know about what he was?” “Oh!” She started rummaging through that ratty, old mail sack of hers and threw down today’s paper, “He’s all over the news! See?” I looked at the newspaper and started reading it… It didn’t look right. The picture they used for the front page was a perfect shot of Lyor with his fist out and Pinkie’s face crashing against it. You could see teeth flying. Teeth. And the article’s title was something like “Human Sighted! Defeats Attempted Rapist And Saves Town!” Luna’s mercy, they quoted the officer: “I saw him strike like lightning! Who knows how many stallions could’ve fallen for that wench’s tricks! Thank Celestia he was there when he was and took care of her! Whoever this human is, he’s a bucking hero in my book. It was an honor to have met him. Wherever you are, human, you got a buddy in me.” I put it down without a word and Lyor took it while he had the chance, reading it over, “… I like your people’s ability to have rational public discourse through print. Mine don’t do that much anymore.” … What? What was he even talking about? Derpy pouted and kind of surprised me with what she said, “Really? So, you have to, like, deal with the commercialization of the media spheres and stuff like that?” I sort of blanked out at that point. I’m not some idiot, but when ponies started talking all that political doodad flip-flap like this is when I draw the line. Last thing I need is to hear some nutty conspiracy theory Derpy thought up and tries pushing onto Lyor. I don’t know if I could recover from some embarrassment like that. “Uh, Carrot Top?” I snapped out of my thoughts with a weird cross of a “hmm?” and a grunt. “I was asking where the bathroom was,” he smirked, “If you aren’t too busy daydreaming.” Ugh, he caught me off guard right there. I… I actually giggled. I really hope it was just from embarrassment, but that cheesy smirk might’ve helped too. After giving him the directions, he took off and left us two girls alone. Too bad I didn’t realize how awkward that would be for me. Derpy grabbed my face out of nowhere and literally lifted me out of my chair, “Carrot, I’m so proud!” She broke it off into a tight hug, “Finally getting back onto the dating scene after Caramel!” Now it was her turn to titter like a schoolfilly. I didn’t see this coming. This is bad. And the fact I felt my face heat up didn’t help my situation out AT ALL. “You’re blushing! It’s true!” “How can you even tell?! I’m orange!” Hushing her up with a hoof to her mouth, I tried to compose the straightest face I could make, “Derpy, listen to me. You got it all wrong. Where did you even get an idea like that?” We dropped each other and she kept that stupid grin on her face, “Oh come on, I saw the way you blushed at what he said!” Oh no. There was that overly-dreamy look and sigh, “That was soooo cute the way you giggled! And don’t forget the fact you were literally waiting for him to get out of that coma!” “I was worried!” “A whole week spent fussing over your bed-ridden little vegeta-“ My hoof was over her muzzle again, “Derpy, that’s a terrible pun. And nothing’s going on between me and Lyor,” I added for good measure. It just got silent after I said that. Derpy was staring off out the window with that look. You know, the one where the pony is touched by romantics and that sorta stuff. Ugh, that always bugged me a lot. Derpy always waited for her knight in shining armor, I just wanted to avoid that gushy stuff altogether. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some old witch or anything, but I have to run a business that takes a lot of work to maintain. I don’t have the time to mess with any of that, let alone consider it. So I told Derpy that, even if it was nervously. I was practically rubbing a mark into the table with how much I ran my hoof against it to try and look bored, “Besides, it’s not like I can make the time for some air-headed romance. The farm and garden aren’t easy to keep up with when you don’t have any help.” Big mistake. “You can’t just say something like that, CT! And I bet Lyor could help around if you just asked him, you know.” She might’ve had a point, but I sure wasn’t going to follow up on it. Instead, I just stared at her like she was crazy (I always had my suspicions), “Derpy, he just came out of a coma, got into a fight with a pack of Diamond Dog slavers, knocked out two of the Elements of Harmony, and saved the life of a Cockatrice. I don’t think he’s in the best condition to do any sort of farm work.” Sinking in, sinking in… “But-“ Guess not, “- he’s like, strong-looking!” “Strong?” Both of us turned around to see Lyor standing over our shoulder, “I always considered myself scrappy, but definitely not strong. I’m too lazy to do anything past cardio.” Oh chips. How long was he standing there for? I hope he didn’t hear any of that… “And to answer what I’m sure you’re thinking about, I just walked in.” My new human friend shrugged and sat down, “So, what now? We probably have some time to kill before what’s-her-face gets a response back from those ‘princesses’.” You see? I was worried for nothing… Unless he lied to just make this not as awkward as it could have been. But being the lovely mare I am, I just wanted to get on with putting that in the forgotten past. And as much as I wanted to show him around some more, it was getting close to noon and today was a half-day for Cheerilee’s class. Getting up, I headed towards the door, “I actually have to go pick up my sister from her school, so if you want, you two can get to know each other while I’m gone.” But of course it wasn’t meant to be. Derpy snatched me up before I got outside and sat me back down with that bubbly look of hers… This could only end so well… “Actually, we’re staying here while Lee-orr picks her up.” That grabbed his attention, “… Huh? No offense, but that probably isn’t the smartest thing to do. I doubt Carrot Top would be comfortable with that, and I don’t even know my way around this place, so…” Derpy grinned, “So you agree that you don’t mind and that you’ll ask for directions to the schoolhouse!” “Lyor, this really isn’t necessary. I’ll go pick her-“ And she put a hoof over my mouth this time. Giving a sweet look to him, she finished her argument, “Me and CT have some stuff to talk about. You understand, right? Mare stuff.” I don’t know why, but he got pretty uncomfortable when he heard that. The look he was giving us wasn’t really something I could recognize. Honestly, how do you even know what a human’s facial expressions mean after only just meeting him that day? I sure didn’t. So he got up and started walking with a small wave back, “I’ll leave you ladies to it then.” Once the door closed (and we were practically waiting for it to), Derpy looked at me with a gleam n her eyes and said what I definitely didn’t want to hear, “So gimme all the details on this guy!” Oh boy… “Derpy, for the last time, I…” Lyor Well, here we are. Again. So just let me get this straight with you all: I don’t know what the hell my life is becoming at this point. It’s been less than a day and I’m already feeling trapped by this place. The only reason I know this isn’t some sick nightmare from a bad high is because the coke highs I’ve given myself here feel nothing like the ones I’ve had in dreams. Yes, I’ve dreamed of cocaine before. But here’s the thing, these feel real. Like, absurdly real. Unrealistically surreally real. And that’s not the real I like. But maybe that isn’t the worst thing on my plate right now. I’m a free-thinker, get me? I don’t really do well in restrictive environments, and as free as this place seemed, the amount of confusion I felt every second was like a pseudo-slavery. I’m good at hiding things like that from cropping up, but god damn, am I perplexed right now. Things seem to work so oddly here. Obviously I noticed that before, but look at what’s been happening. First off, I’m still alive. Second- Wait, why am I even explaining any of this? Forget it. Anyway, I’m walking through the town, using my internal male-compass to guide my way to this schoolhouse (jealous, ladies?). A bunch of ponies that I pass by wave at me with those smiles you’d see on a go-go dancer or something… Ehh, maybe not the perfect comparison, but you get the point. If not, make one of your own, you lazy ass. So the locals seemed to be getting friendlier with me, and lo and behold, stop me to thank me about stopping the “rape” that was mentioned in the paper, as well as some “window vandal.” Gosh, do I feel special. No really, I actually felt like laughing from this. Those ponies chuckled alongside me and one really weird guy-pony asked for my autograph. Suppose there’s a first time for everything. After a bit of walking and trusting my natural intuition, I somehow was lucky enough to get to wherever Carrot Top was talking about. Good lord, it looked like something off Little House on the Prairie. And just so you know, I really, really despised that show. With every fiber of my being. Really. So you could probably guess my reluctance to even get close to an abomination like that, but I did it. Somehow. I’m a hero or something, now. But as my luck would have it, guess who I ran into as I was heading and the school bell rang. Yeah. It was the cop. The kids, or whatever the hell they were, were cheering him as they all left, with some other adult pony tagging along behind. And then, they saw me. “There he is right now!” God damn cops. “Uh…” He somehow got onto his hind legs and threw an arm over my shoulder like we were chums, “This is the hero that I was talking about! This is the crime-fighter from another world!” …What… Kids swarming all over me, trying to be crappy little nuisances by asking questions and being loud. I guess some things really are the same in both worlds. Maybe they were more annoying here, who knows. But gee whiz, they tried. The school teacher pulled the kids back to give me some room and gave a disgustingly large smile, “So you’re the human that everypony has been talking about! You’re being called a hero, you know.” “I’ve heard.” I really hope she got the point when I said that. Of course, she didn’t and it went right past her bulbous head. “I’m Cheerilee, and you are?” She held out a hoof, which I shook with as much reluctance as I had when I saw this nuthouse. “Lyor. I’m here to pick up Carrot Top’s sister for her.” Would she get it this time? Let’s find out… “Oh! You mean Staple Crop?” Who the hell in their right mind names their daughter something like that? It’s god awful. I… Man, what the hell have I gotten myself into? The cop gave me a playful slug on the shoulder, “Hey buddy, how about before you head on out, you give a few words to the kids? You know, get ‘em interested in education and all that?” He set himself down and forced me to shake his hoof too, “Brass Buttons, by the way.” Cheerilee’s face brightened up like a freaking Christmas tree powered by a nuclear reactor, “That’s a wonderful idea! Would you be so kind, Mister Lyor?” For the love of Moses, what’s with all the “Misters”? “Sure, why not? I can always make time for the kids.” God I hate kids. The teacher turned to her little followers and cleared her throat, “Now class, I want all of you to be on your tip-top behavior while Mister Lyor gives a rousing speech! No interrupting and mind your manners, kids.” All those buggy, big eyes on small bodies just looking up at me… One of the most unnerving sights I’ve ever encountered in all my years… But if I wanted to get through this, I had to play along. So to hell with everything, I was going to go all out. I took one muddy shoe and sat that piece of shit on nearby stump as heroically as possible and made one hell of an impression. “Listen up kids, because I’m about to tell you one of the secrets of life.” They all leaned in closer at hearing that, “Knowledge is not power.” Cheerilee’s face fall so fast I thought I somehow shot her with an empty gun. But I continued anyway, “Knowledge is never power. It is the application of knowledge that is power. You can be the most book-learned person in the entire world and still be an idiot for not taking advantage of the information you know. And if you don’t want to take advantage of it, don’t even bother getting up in the morning to tackle life. The world turns only for the person that wants it in their hands, so never settle for less and always strive to be not the best you can be, but the best there is or ever will exist. Success comes to the person who never gives up.” Alright, so I went a little overboard, but the way everyone was looking at me, you’d think they considered me a god or something. The kids were practically buzzing with excitement, the cop had an unnecessarily proud look on his face, and Cheerilee was smiling again. Who would’ve guessed? Welp, time to finish this little thing. “Oh, and uh, stay in school and stuff, don’t do drugs, avoid time-shares, and try not to get into rivalries with Slavic arms dealers when you know you probably can’t win.” I looked at Cheerilee and nodded, “I guess that’s it.” Applause everywhere. Man, what the hell is going on. I half-assed that to the point where anyone with any sensibility should’ve at least questioned that last part. Oh well, I guess I benefit either way from this whole unwanted escapade. And was it unwanted. “That was excellent!” Cheerilee dick-rode. “I don’t think the class will mind having you as a guest-speaker later in the year, will they?” Of course, the kids were going wild. “I look forward to it, Mister Lyor.” Five minutes later, the crowd of kid-ponies was thankfully gone and I was being introduced to Carrot Top’s little sister. You know, the one with the odd name. The little filly was hopping all around me in a circle, spouting all sorts of crap about how exciting it was to meet a hero. I just sat there on the stump and tried to prevent a headache from creeping up on me. Of course, I remedied that with some powder to the nose, but that’s beside the point. Carrot Top’s little sister was a bit hard to describe. God knows I’m awful with naming colors, so I’ll just say she’s a young girl-pony with a lighter coat than her sister, and sort of golden hair. Bout all I can say, really. The kid stopped and smiled the biggest smile I’ve seen on any of these damn horses. “Hi!” “Hey.” “I’m Staple Crop!” “I’m Lyor.” “Wanna be friends?” “Do you?” “Yeah!” “Alright then.” “Are you taking me back to Carrot?” “Yeah.” “Really?!” “Yes.” “Are you and her friends?” “Yep.” “That means we’re friends with a crime-fighter! Are you partners with the Mare-Do-Well?” “I work alone.” “Why?” “I like it better that way.” “Why?” “Because.” “Why?” “You like to ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” “You betcha!” “Well, we should probably be getting back to your house. Your sister is probably worried sick.” And thank the lord, the conversation ended right there. For the most part, at least. She still asked a few question while we were making our way back, but I took it like a real trooper. Why did I even volunteer for this? Ugh… “So, are you and my sister coltfriend and marefriend?” Besides the fact it took like ten seconds to even understand what the hell she was talking about with those funky words, I had only one thought left. This was going to be one of those long walks that no sane person ever enjoys.