You have been all across time and space. You have been to a city in a cloud, and to an empire made of crystals. But all the places you have ever been pale in comparison to this place in sheer weirdness. In front of you, built into the side of a hill that looks like half of it was washed away by rain to cut out a space for the was half a hill, and where the other half should have been was the… ‘house?’ you guess, was the home of Discord.
You are starting to think this was a bad idea, but the alternative was to invite him to your house, so you seem to be in checkmate either way. You look down into your arms, where a little baby filly lays curled up, sleeping peacefully. You have bathed Screwball many times before, but the boss said you should have Discord help you at least once. You had asked what the EXACT relationship between the foal and Discord was, but had never gotten a straight answer.
You turned around to see Castle Canterlot in the near distance. Celestia wanted Discord close enough to watch, and far enough not to mess with Canterlot. The Princesses would be right there when everything went wrong. IF, if everything went wrong, you need to keep a positive outlook.
You took one more breath and started walking towards the… door? Towards the thing that looked like the opening of a snail shell that was clearly the entrance. The ‘lawn’ was overgrown with what looked like sea anemones. You started freaking out when they stepped out of your way so that you could walk to the ‘door.’
“You’re doing this for Screwball, stay strong.” You reminded yourself. You walked up to the ‘door’ to Discords house, not really sure how to walk inside. “Well come in already, you just walk straight.”
You knew it was impossible, but this was Discord after all. You just walked straight, and found yourself walking on the wall of the ever spiraling snail-shell path. By the time you were inside, the warping walls had made you walk out onto what you were sure should have been the ceiling. It felt like standing on the floor, but also like standing on the ceiling, and was disorienting. But then, this is Discord’s house, what did you expect?
Discord sat at a table that looked like a giant sundial. There were no walls and the house seemed to go on forever. The room was a grassy field, and there were stairs leading up and down and sideways into what you guessed were other rooms. Even though she’s asleep, you advise Screwball, “Never do drugs dear, you never want this to seem normal.”
Discord looks down at his sundial table, which could somehow tell time inside, “You’re late. It’s five wabing past Bryllyg. I was beginning to think you weren’t coming at all.” You have no idea what any of that means, so you get to the point, “You… you should really wash Screwball… you know, at least once… maybe.” Discord strokes his beard, “Yeah, I guess it would be the right thing to do.” You weren’t expecting that. What exactly was their relationship again?
Discord flexes himself and his whole body gives off a sound like knuckles popping, “Alright human, let’s get started. Obviously I don’t have a tub, but I can fix that.” You didn’t know why it was obvious that he wouldn’t, but Discord pulled out a bottle of bubble formula and blew a bubble about a tub’s length wide. Discord then turned the bottle into a giant butter-knife, and cut the whole bubble in half horizontally, only the top half burst though. After setting the ‘tub’ down on the table, he snapped his fingers and it filled up with sudsy, warm bathwater (from the top down). You realized the bubble was the tub.
At this point, you looked like a little kid scared out of their mind, clinging tightly to their teddy bear for dear life, the ‘teddy bear’ in this case being played by Screwball, who was awake now and wasn’t scared at all. Discord signaled to you that it was time to bathe the young filly, and you made your way over to the tub, which Discord had placed just inches above the ground. Discord made you a pink cloud to sit on and you took it, placing Screwball into the tub.
You pulled a bottle of boysenberry shampoo out of your travel case and handed it to Discord. Discord regarded it for a moment and laughed, glad you had decided to be random. Discord then began normally scrubbing the shampoo into Screwball’s mane, which she actually seemed to enjoy.
Since Discord’s paw was as big as her whole mane, he had the whole thing lathered in moments with a circular scrub. “It’s uh… time to rinse now,” you said, trying not to draw attention to yourself.
Discord then snapped his fingers and all the bubbles popped, revealing a clean mane. You start to object, but don’t know how. Discord looks at you like explaining the most obvious thing in the world, “Rinsing means getting all the soap out. So if all the bubbles pop, and none of the residue sticks, the mane is rinsed by definition. Savvy?”
You give up trying to understand and tell him it’s time to wash the tail. Discord smiles menacingly and the whole room flips upside down… or right-side up, it’s hard to say. What had been facing up was facing down and vice-versa, only Discord hadn’t changed. Discord began scrubbing Screwball’s tail, which was now pointed straight up from his perspective. The tub was flowing everywhere like an ameba, with Screwball’s tail sticking out.
The only problem was that Screwball’s tail was spinning like a helicopter, and even Discord was having trouble catching it. Screwball noticed this and began giggling hysterically. The spirit of disharmony himself couldn’t help but laugh warmly at this. Discord decided to cheat to magic the bubbles onto his tail. Screwball gasped before speaking in gibberish, “Aw ba goo ah ga!,” Discord reprimanded her, “Play fair? Maybe we haven’t meet, I’m Discord.”
Discord made the bubbles pop like before, ‘rinsing’ it. Out of the goodness of his heart, or maybe it was out of annoyance at you screaming for your life, he put the room back to ‘normal.’
You sigh; glad you’re not hanging from a cloud over an abyss anymore. “Great, now all that’s left is to dry her.” Discord looks at you cross eyed, “You don’t wash the body? I thought you were a professional, and you only wash the hair? You’re awfully strange human.” Well, there it goes your sanity. Discord, the weirdest thing you know of, chaos incarnate, thinks that you are the weird one.
Discord shrugs and makes the bath itself scrub the little filly’s body before evaporating, literally steam cleaning her. Screwball is so happy that she walks over and nuzzles up next to Discord’s side. Despite being Chaos incarnate, he seemed to be a pretty good… um… what was their relationship again?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You and Discord, who is now holding a sleeping Screwball, walk outside and get a good look across the Canterlot landscape. “And you’re sure it’s ok if she stays here with you for the night?” you ask again, worrying about her. “Don’t worry; I’ll take good care of her. I promised to be good and I meant it. Never said anything about not being chaotic though.” You have almost gotten comfortable around Discord, almost, “How do you do one without the other?”
Discord smiles, “Oh there are a lot of ways to be chaotic without being bad: anonymous tips for the tabloids, I help balance the budget, oh and you phone, I’m the one writing the rules for auto-correct.” You deadpan. That explains so much.
“What about you, what will you do now?” Discord asks. You shrug, “Oh I don’t know, probably just continue trying to clean all of Equestria.” Discord smiles, “Is that all? I can help with that.” You panic, realizing that it’s too late. Discord snaps his fingers, causing the ground to turn to soap again. It begins giving off soap bubbles and before you know it, everything as far as you can see is sudsy. Discord frowns when he sees your reaction, “What? It’s completely biodegradable, it will wash out harmlessly. Oh, and the ground underneath is normal again.”
“Discord!”
Celestia and Luna descend on the sight, their coats, manes, and tails wet and sudsy, as though they had gotten out of a bath right before a rinse. You bow your head to them, “I promise I had nothing intentional to do with this.” They focus on Discord, “We know.” Discord smiles ear to ear, “Problem?”
Luna is furious, “Discord! Thou shalt return Equestria to its former glory or we shall inflict brutality upon thine hindquarters with the hooves of our hind legs.”
Discord leans over to you, “I think that’s Ole English for she’s gonna kick my…”
“DISCORD! THERE’S A FOAL PRESENT!”