//------------------------------// // Grand Tour // Story: Nocturnal // by Flame-LoneWolf //------------------------------// (Big shout out to my editor, Super Big Mac. This really wouldn't have been possible without him! ) Chapter Two: Grand Tour Dancing around you are a group of creatures that are, as far as you can tell, not of this world. They stand like a minotaur, but are as slender as a snake. One holds a spear in its mouth, but another has claws like a dragon. The three of them dance around you, as you sit calmly in the vat of boiling water, or whatever it is. On your scale of horrible ways to die, being cooked alive and eaten by strange creatures was strangely low on the list. Death by bunny stampede was higher, you think. But then again, you really do like Tomato basil soup, and all they need is some cheddar and wheat bread, and you’ll be on cloud nine before anypony can remind you that you can’t fly. Thunk.         “....Owww.” you mumble to yourself as you pull your now smarting head away from the window, which you’d smacked into as the train took a rather tight turn.         “Oh good,” You’re able to keep your eyes open long enough to recognize mom from the opposite seat. “You’re awake; I was hoping you’d wake up on your own. We’re almost in Ponyville.”         You grunt in return, and lay your head gently against the window, the cool glass helping to counteract the pain the very same pane had given you earlier. “Mmkay,” you manage to mutter after a bit. “How long...?”         Seeing that you’re still quite out of sorts, your mom sighs and shakes her blonde head ruefully. “You’ve been asleep for almost seven hours, a new record for you, I think.” Looking outside at the afternoon sun as Canterlot slowly passes by in the distance, mom finally says in a softer voice, “we’re only another hour or so to Ponyville, hon. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to relax here, okay? Settle down.”         You grunt again, somehow communicating your want of saying “whatever” without the word passing your lips, and try to fall asleep again. ....And after a few fruitless minutes, you give up and instead stare out the window, the uneasy churning of your stomach feeling as though it was ready to commit suicide... .... Your head’s still throbbing when the train pulls into the station, and you wince every time it blows its whistle. ‘I hope I don’t have to deal with anything stupid today. I just want to relax...’ You realize how bad an idea it was to even think that when you see a pink pony with the widest smile you’ve ever seen anywhere holding a sign with not only your mom’s name on it, but also yours. “....Really, mom,” you mutter to her. She just shrugs and smiles thinly. “Good afternoon, Miss— FWEEEEEEEEET....... “Aaalll abooarrd~!” “—name is Mayor Mare, and this is Pinkamena-” “-ahem.” “-Pinkie Pie.” The mayor smiles warmly, her eyes at half mast in a more matronly way then coquettish. “It’s good to meet the both of you, Mayor Mare,” mom replies in her usual sweet voice when dealing with ponies she didn’t know that well yet. You stayed silent as your mom introduced you, just giving a slight nod to the two other mares. The older one, the mayor, spoke up once more. “We are here to welcome you to your new home here in Ponyville, but aha, there’s still a bit of paperwork you and I need to attend to. Your.... son?” A little late in realising that the spotlight had been aimed on you, you scratch the back of your head with a slightly uneased nod and the grey-maned earth pony gives a rather unsure smile, as though she still had lingering doubts. “Right. Your son, however, can go with Pinkie here on a little tour around town. She promised not to go invading your home to throw a surprise party as long as I promised she could be an official member of the welcoming committee.” Mayor Mare leaned in close, as if to give an aside that her friend wasn’t supposed to hear. “Last time she did so was when the Griffon King was passing through. Nopony was harmed, thankfully, but they almost destroyed Town Hall!” The mayor continued talking even as your mom started away, mayor in tow. You watched them go, before turning your attention to the pink pony in front of you. You stood there, just looking at her as she stared unblinkingly at you with those cerulean eyes, limbs trembling with either excitement or something you didn’t exactly pass as natural. Finally, you just can’t take the silence anymore, so you open your mouth. “Uhh—” “Hi!” You blink, jaw going slack as the mare in front of you seemed to shout while barely even opening her mouth. “Umm—” “How you doing?” She tilts her head, her deep blue eyes shimmering with laughter, her vibrant pink coat dappled by the light seeping through the trees. Her mane, a slightly darker shade of pink, was a perfect, yet strange mix of curly and poof to the point where it looked as though she was wearing a wig made completely out of cotton candy. And somehow, she manages to pull the look off... ugh. You can’t help but shudder a little. You shuffle your hooves, feeling a tad tongue tied. “Um, I- Well....” “You feelin’ okay? Oh, maybe we should go by the medical center! Follow me!” With that, she spins around and starts hopping— complete with a springing noise— down the street towards the edge of town, in the opposite direction that your mom went. As you step into place behind her, you take a glance at a trio of balloons on her flank and sigh. ‘She’s one of those idiot party animals, I bet. No sense whatsoever.’ It was a few minutes before either of you speaks again, your bouncy companion content to hum a tune and wave hello to the ponies passing by. Finally, though, your tour guide spoke up. “So!” She chirps happily as she turns around in mid-jump, landing perfectly on her hind legs and balancing as if it were nothing. “This is the Ponyville Hospital. You don’t seem to be sick any more, so I don’t think we need to go inside. Where to next... Oh, I know! Let’s go see— Nasal Flux!”  Pinkie drops to the ground, and before you knew what was happening, a blue blur had barreled into you and knocked you to the ground. Luckily, you’d been given a bit of street-side training in reaction time, and you were able to make a small shield to soften the blow. It still hurts like Tartarus, though. “Arrgh, what the hay hit me...?” Another groan answered you, and you open your eyes to find a prismatic rainbow covering your eyes. It flicks against your nose, and your mind screeches to a halt as you realize that it’s somepony’s tail, and they’re more than likely female. Getting up so quickly you manage to throw your assailant onto her hooves, you duck your head low to hide your blush. “S-sorry ‘bout that, miss, I wasn’t watchin’ where I was going.” You take a few steps back, preparing for either a physical assault or a verbal one, whether what happened was your fault or not. You knew how mares tended to— “Psh! Can it, meathead. That was totally my bad. Besides, I was aiming for Pinkie Pie.” The mare then tackled your tour guide and began to give her a noogie. “Ha! This is for that cuckoo prank you pulled last week!” “Oh nooo~! Dashie!!! Heehehehee~” You look up at the spectacle and feel the heat flooding your face again. Looking around, many of the town’s ponies are either smiling ruefully at the two’s antics, or just ignoring it as if it weren’t there. If this had happened in Manehatten, there would have been at least one or two perverted stallions trying to jump in. “Hey, meatheat! Can you c’mere for a sec? I need you to hold Pinkie’s legs down for me. She won’t stop kicking!” “Oh, noooo~,” Pinkie says, still giggling giddily. “No, don’t do that~! Anything but that, hehehehe~!” Gulping, you take a hesitant step forward, but lose your nerve and instead stand there awkwardly for a second before putting a hoof to your head to try and quell the rush of confusion your situation was giving you. That’s when you suddenly remember that you’re a unicorn. Reaching out with your magic, you cast a Chain Link spell on Pinkie’s legs, pinning them to the ground. Pinkie wiggles around a bit, her lips curling into a small, slightly conniving smile before she looks up at her friend expectantly. “Oh, my gallant knight, have you come to free your princess from her magical bondage?” The blue pegasus blinks, her wings twitching a bit in confusion. “Uhhh...” Pinkie bats her eyelashes and gives her friend a cute pout accompanied by a low whinny. Both you and the pegasus look away, faces flushed. “Geez, Pinkie, you’re evil when you’re cute,” the pegasus mare says as Pinkie throws a foreleg over her withers, laughing victoriously. Pinkie pulls her friend over towards you, and points at you. “This is my new friend! He just got into town today.” She then points at the pegasus. “This is Rainbow Dash. The bestest pegasus flyer in all of Equestria!” As if on cue, the mare you know now as Rainbow Dash stood proudly on her hooves, her strong wings giving an exaggerated flap as she did so. “Weeell, I don’t wanna brag, but....” Your eyes give an instinctive roll. You’ve never exactly blended well with showoffs. “A Wonderbolt wannabe, yeah?” Her smile grew wide. “Hay yeah!” And then fell away. “I mean, no! I’m no wannabe, I’m definitely gonna become a Wonderbolt!” This raises a rather valid question. “So then.... why exactly did you just come from the hospital?” Dash loses a bit of her poise at that. “Alright, look, don’t tell anypony but... Scoots’ gotten a bit banged up, and I’m trying to be a better big-sister figure for her, so I was swingin’ by to check up on her.” One of your eyebrows rises questioningly, not sure if you should be inclined to believe her. But with a sigh, you let the matter drop as quickly as it came, figuring it would probably be less stressful to just let it go. “Well, it was nice meeting you, but I’ve not seen anything else in town other than the train station and the hospital.” “Yeah, alright. I gotta get some practice in, anyways. Maybe we can hang out some time! See ya!” With that, Rainbow Dash shoots off like a rocket and into the clouds, leaving a powerful gust of wind in her wake. She definitely lives up to her name. But it seems as though her speed was lacking something, because while she definitely dashed, a slight lean to her flight pattern hadn’t escaped your notice. “Don’t worry about her,” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, popping up seemingly out of nowhere. “she’s always playing everything off as tough and cool as she can! Now, let’s go! We’ve got more stops to make, and places for me you take! Did that make sense? No? Ah, who cares, heehee! Let’s go get some cupcakes!” As you sigh and shake your head, following after the crazy pink pony once more, you can’t help but stop dead in your tracks. ‘How did she escape from my spell?’ .... “... And here you’ll see the place to be if you are craving sweets~! And over there, without a care, is Vinyl laying down her beeeaaats~!” Pinkie starts to pant as she finished her song, and the pony named Vinyl kicked her turntables, causing them to fold up into a more manageable size before she waves and heads off to who knows where. “Well, since we’re here, want to grab something to eat? It’s my treat! Heehee, no, literally! I’ll make you anything you want!” “Uhh...” You take a step inside, following the pink pony who was actually quite a bit smarter than you’d thought she was. Naive as all get out, but still plenty smart. “You see, Pinkie... I don’t really like—” just before you could say sweets, somepony bumps right into you, sending you backwards a step. When you look up, a white unicorn mare with a purple mane is looking at you, horror washing over her face. “Hey, I know I’m ugly,” you start to joke, when she lets out a piercing wail. “Oh good heavens, just look at this... this... mess!” She points a quivering hoof at a forelock hanging from the curl of her purple mane. The style is... attractive, you guess, but you don’t see why it’s such a big deal. “Uhh... wha..?” “You!” Taking an involuntary step back, you gulp as she practically spits the word out with enough venom to down a buffalo. “You... you... you cretin! I just got done at the spa! And now, you’ve... you’ve... You ruined my mane!” She jabs a hoof into your chest, and you suddenly feel something sticky. In a flash of horror, you think you just got shanked, but then you look down and see that it wasn’t blood matting your coat, but... Again she gasps, staring in disbelief at her hoof. “My... my hooficure! Now look what you’ve done!” The mare was obviously in hysterics, and you have no idea why. Sure, the only thing you’d been able to see on your way through the door was a bright pink tail swishing around— no, you weren’t staring at her in that way, she was simply in front of you the whole time!— and she’d ran into you, and apparently gotten her desert all over you. And yet this— to put the term lightly— drama queen was still trying to pin the blame on you, as well. Now, you weren’t the kind of guy who would hit a mare, but this filly was being extremely over-dramatic, and it was grating on your ears. Putting a hoof up in front of her lips, you shush her for a second. “Excuse me, miss, but I’m afraid you are mistaken.” She opens her mouth to protest, and you once again raise your hoof. “I’m sorry about your mane being in disarray, really I am, but it’s not my fault. I was simply following Pinkie Pie inside, and you ran into me.” You look down and wave a hoof at your chest. “I am now completely covered in...” You wipe some off yourself with a hooftip and lick it. “Éclair. I thought it seemed familiar.” Shaking your head in a fair imitation of the Upper class of Manehatten, you give the mare a small snort of disgust. “I don’t wanna be rude, but I also don’t like being covered in Éclair.” Pinkie was suddenly right next to you again. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it~!” She then starts scooping the cream off of your chest with her tongue. Both you and the white-coated unicorn mare give a simultaneous blush. “Excuse me, Pinkie,” you start saying, your voice an octave higher than it was. “Ahem. E-excuse me, Pinkie, but... You know that that isn’t sanitary... right?” Pinkie, having licked you clean (and somehow not slathering you with saliva), smiles at you innocently. “Oh, don’t worry, I washed my tongue first, so you’re all good~!” With that, she turns to look at the other mare, eyes widening as if she hadn’t seen her there. “Oh, hi Rarity! Have you met my new friend?! He’s a swell guy, let me tell ya~!” She then leans in conspiratorially and said in a loud whisper, “plus, he tastes like nutmeg! Oh, I’m so gonna have to make some Cinnamon and Nutmeg Éclairs tonight...” Rarity looks a little green at this, but you’re sure that your face was hotter than an oven at the moment, so you can’t really blame her. “Y-yes, well, I-I’m sorry, darling, b-but I have to go...” Rarity makes to leave, but Pinkie puts up a hoof in front of her. “No, wait! I’d really like it if my good ol’ buddy here got to know you a bit better! I’ve been showing him all around town today! Weird, though, that we didn’t see AJ in the market. Big Mac was so swamped with hungry-looking mares, though, that we couldn’t even get close enough to say “hi!” to him!” Pinkie puts on a pouty face, and Rarity visibly struggles to continue past the two of you, before finally giving in with a groan. “Ugh, fine, I’ll make pleasantries with your coltfriend, but only if I get a new Éclair!” You cock an eyebrow at her as Pinkie shoots off towards the kitchen, and she gives you an appraised look. “What? She ate the one I paid for.” “Yes,” you say while shaking your head slightly. “After you smeared it across my chest.” Rarity huffs. The both of you trot towards a nearby table, and you slump down gratefully. You give a weary sigh and stretch your legs a bit, glad for the short reprieve. “Pinkie’s giving you the grand tour, is she?” You nod, still not wanting to speak too much, lest you still seem angry. “She hasn’t been too much trouble, has she? She has always been the craziest pony in the whole town, but she seems to have simmered down and matured quite a lot since the Cakes had their twins.” You nod again, not knowing who the twins were, but guessing that the Cakes and, by extension, the twins, lived in the bakery and sweetshop. “So, uh...” You show off your wonderful eloquence to the somewhat uptight mare, and she gives off a faint giggle. ‘Me Tree-Tan. You, Jade’, you think to yourself as a blush forms on your cheeks. “Rarity is my name, darling, and I am terribly sorry for how I acted earlier, but you see, I was...” It seems that it’s her turn to blush, because she does so, the pink hue shining brilliantly against her dove white coat. “I’ve been a bit... antsy, recently. And since I’d just gone to the spa, and had myself pampered, I just... Oh, sweet Celestia, I feel mortified...” She brings her hooves up to cover her face, reaching one up farther to cover her mane as well. “I must look like a wreck!” “Hey, uh... you don’t look bad at all,” you say uncertainly as you look her over. She gasps, shooting to her hooves before pointing once more to her mane. “Not bad? Not bad?! Just look at my coiffure! It’s completely messy! I need to get home and run a brush through it, but I can’t go outside with it the way it is!” You chuckle at her antics, and look around, until spotting a fork on your table. Transformation magic isn’t really your forte, but you’d learned that the easiest way to get rid of somepony’s weapon was usually to just turn it into something else. Why learn a combat spell when it was less expensive to just learn a Transmutation spell? Picking up the piece of cutlery, you examine it for a moment before flashing magic through your horn. The fork melts and boils away, before snapping back into another shape familiar to you and your table-companion. A brush. Rarity squeals in delight. “Oh, that was wonderful! Now I don’t have to go outside while looking this dreadful! Ta-ta~!” She trots off quickly for the back room, and that’s when a certain pink pony decides to pop her head out from under the table, her face covered in white cream. “Is Rarity gone?” You nod. “Phew, I thought she’d never leave.” She licks her lips and mmmms contentedly. “I ate her Éclair again.” You roll your eyes. “Whaaaat, I was hungry from all that walking we did! You do realize how hard it is to stay all bouncy and shapely like I do, right?! Too much exercising, and I could loose all my curvy-wurvy gooooodness!” As she says this, she starts shaking her hips, her tail flicking back and forth as her bottom wiggles like a cat about to pounce. Not that you were looking, anyway. With your appetite suddenly feeling a tad lost, you get to your hooves as you decide that it’d probably be a good idea to check on how mom’s doing. And to get a goddamn nap. “Hey, I’m gonna head out now if that’s fine by you.” “Wait! Where ya going?” you hear the mare call out. “I’m still not done giving you the grand tour of Pony-” “Sorry, just kinda tired,” you mumble. “Besides, I gotta find out if Mom’s done with that paperwork.” You push the door to Sugar Cube Corner open, and trot out into the early evening air. Taking a deep breath to clear your mind, you can’t help but notice how... different the air is from your old home. It’s... clean. Unsettlingly so... …. For a cheap, pre-owned house, the ceiling was kept rather clean. It’s all your eyes focus on as you lay sprawled over your bed in silence. Well, mattress. How the bed frame itself broke was something you weren’t so keen on thinking about at the moment. Or in this millennium.         You start humming a tune to yourself, something you remember your mother singing when you were just a colt, but you can’t quite remember the words. There was one line from the song, though, that you’d never forget. “hmm hm hm hmmmm... There’s only one of you sweetie, only one all around; there’s only one of you baby, in this whole dang town, so keep living your life; don’t let it... drag you down...” As you mutter the last few words, your eyelids droop, and your breathing evens out. It’s not long until you’re fully asleep. ….         As you awake, you try to remember what you were doing before you fell asleep. Feeling nature calling, you stand up, shaking your head, and walk out of your new bedroom, and open the door to the bathroom.  In the shower is a mare, pink in coat and mane, with brilliant blue eyes that turn to you as the door swings open. The weight of the water gives her mane a straight look down one side of her scalp, a rather large contrast compared to her usual cotton candy style. “Oh, hey again! Sorry, I was a total mess after I got into your attic; that place is full of dust! So I had to use your shower, hope that’s okay, and oh, what song was that you were singing It sounded really jazzy, maybe you could sing it again sometime?”         Wordlessly, you close the door and stumble away.         Without thought, you start towards your room, but the last place you want to be is on your mattress if Pinkie decides to come after you. It would be... All kinds of awkward. Instead, you turn towards the stairs to the first floor, deciding that something to eat would be good to get your mind off things. And there’s a bathroom downstairs anyways, rig- “WEEE!!!” “Gyeh!”         You’re no longer standing on the stairs, but flying above them, the wind knocked out of your lungs. When you land, it’s right on your back, halting any chance at recovering your breath before it could begin. Straddling you is a still very wet Pinkie Pie, her mane falling in tangled curls on either side of her face as she looks at you with a wide smile, eyes glinting mischievously. The lights flick on. “SUUUUUURRRRRRPRRRIIISE~!!!”