//------------------------------// // The Library // Story: Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything // by Doobie //------------------------------// “Ooh fuck this is gonna hurt.” Matt yelled as all three of them soared across the equestrian sky in a meteorite like fashion. They were covered in a bright fireball as they went through the sudden process of morphing back into their Equestrian bodies. Matt being turned into an alicorn, Spike and Doobie just back into their regular forms. After the initial impact sent Spike flying back into the sky, the two remaining ponies settled in their impact crater for a few moments to get their shit together. They seemed to have crashed in an area on the outskirts of the everfree forest. Doobie remembered the location as the exact same spot that him and Matt landed in when they first arrived in equestria. To Doobie, the impact of the crash felt like being punched in the face by God. Clutching his broken face, he clambered out of the large groove his ass had made in the crater, spotting a few bags of weed and gathering them up. “Seems like that genie fuck decided to give us a few bags of weed for the road, ain't that some fucking wonderful shit right there.” Doobie fucking wanked as he waited for a response from his alicorn friend. He waited for as long as his mind was able, this was made easier because he seemed to have spotted a squirrel. About 2 minutes passed before he had had enough and peeked back in the crater. There he found Matt, lying in a pile of his own excrement with an expression of complete retardation on his face. “Hey Matt... You uhh... You gonna wipe that up or am I gonna have go get Spike?” “Mpppffhhuuugghhh” Matt drooled, flapping one of his wings around. Doobie assumed it was to fan away the stench of shit. Doobie took it upon himself to punch Matt’s brain back into working mode. It took a few swift hooks to get Matt armed and fully operational but Doobie seemed to enjoy it, so he didn’t stop until Matt had to physically knock his ass to the ground. “Prick.” Matt mumbled as he glanced over at Doobie for a second. “Well assface, seems like we’ve regenerated or some shit like that because your face isn’t all fucked up anymore. Now you almost look normal.” Doobie responded with a toothless smile, Matt noticed his lack of teeth and smiled slightly. “Heheh, almost normal.” he chuckled. “W-what? What the fuck are you giggling about? You better spit out the answer or you’ll be spitting out blood, my friend.” Doobie yelled, ironically spraying blood all over the fucking place. “O-oh... Fuck.” Doobie cursed, looking at the floor to see where his teeth had run away to. “We don’t have time for this, asshole. Let’s fuck off back to Twilight’s place before the fuzz get here and start asking questions, you know; the type of questions that usually end up with me stabbing a load of people and then having to run like hell through a hail of bullets.” Matt yelled, punching the air around him. “What are you doing?” Doobie enquired “Practicing my stabbin’, now let’s move.” Matt fucked, trotting on down the dusty road towards one of their many victims’ residence. Doobie followed, despite lacking teeth, his speech was still pretty fluent. Maybe they could find a spell that could resolve this problem back at the library. “Seeming as we are currently in a world of magical ponies and shit, do you think it would be possible for the doctors to use magic to heal the mane six? For all we know they could all be fully healed and ready to fuck our shit up. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were a little pissed.” Doobie questioned, trotting alongside Matt. “What makes you think that, Doobie?” The gray alicorn responded. “We nearly killed all of them, and then we dropped a hospital on them which probably did kill them.” “We also killed and ate their dear leader, Princess Sunbutt. That probably pissed everybody off.” “Shhh, nobody knows about that one.” Doobie whispered “They probably know by now, they just don’t know who did it.” “Yeah, I’d love to have seen the look on whoevers face that happened to stumble across that blood bath. Shit must have been priceless.” “Fo’ rizzle.” Matt added, spotting the library off in the distance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The two misfits stood gingerly outside the front door, scanning the target building for hostile horses. Matt spotted a Spike shaped hole on the side of the building. “I guess we won’t have to bother looking for that purple fuck, not like we were going to anyway.” Matt whispered to himself. Judging by the candles on the windowsill and the smell of pie, Matt assumed Spike had made himself at home after his initial crash, which also gave him the feeling that Twi’s house hadn’t been resold after her supposed death. Matt waved at Doobie to join him as he entered the library through the newly fitted door. “Wait just a fucking minute.” Doobie yelled, stopping Matt from going near the entrance. “There must be somebody living here to have fixed the door. Maybe when Spike flew in through the wall the owner of the place just threw his scaly ass out.” “Only one way to find out, I guess.” Matt replied, using his magic to turn the doorknob. The two stallions tumbled through the door and into the wide room. Matt instantly darted behind the nearest pile of cover and started eyeballing the room. Turns out that a pair of Twilight's sexy striped socks didn’t make for good cover. “Sup faggots.” Spike muttered, standing in the middle of the room and holding a steamy pie. Doobie casually walked over to Spike and took his pie from him, shoving the supposedly moist morsel into his toothless mouth. To his surprise, the apparently crunchy pie was actually made using gems. Doobie responded to this disappointment by splitting the pie back out and all over Spike’s face. “You trying to kill me? Asshole.” He spat. “It wasn’t for you, it was supposed to be for me.” Spike angrily responded, throwing his cute little apron on the ground. “Whatchoo fuckin’ say to me, m8? If you didn’t bounce like fucking beach ball then this crazy nigga ass shit wouldn’t have happened. Asswipe.” Doobie continued to spit; small chunks of crust flew from his mouth, most of the pieces were still making contact with Spike. “Enough of your shit Spike, Is that Purple cunt still alive?” Matt fucked “Y- You mean Twilight? Haven’t seen her.” Spike spaghettisplashed. Matt closed the door with his magic and walked over to Doobie, seeing the bags of weed he had stashed on his back. “Ay... You gon’ share?” Matt chundered. “No.” Doobie niggered. Matt bucked Doobie in the side sending him flying into the wall and picked up the bags of weed, bringing them over to Spike. He then pulled some skins out of his mane and got Spike to start rolling a ton of joints for later. He sat down with one and the three of them started to get blazed in the middle of the library. The door swung open and two ponies came in. One was purple, had one leg and was in a wheelchair. The other was wearing a rather beaten up stetson and was yellower than the guys remembered. Applejack and Twilight Sparkle. The four ponies and the dragon all stared at eachother for a good ten seconds before Matt ignited his horn, grabbed the mares and stuffed two socks into each of their mouths. The two mares were thrown about the room looking panicked before Matt decided where to put them. He opened up the basement door and tried to throw them in, on his first attempt smashing them into the wall next to the door. “Oops.” Matt said. He threw them through the doorway and down the stairs, wheelchair and all. The guys heard crashing and muffled screams as the two mares tumbled arse over crotchtits down the long flight of stairs leading into the basement of the library. The door was slammed shut by Matt’s magic, he then sat down and took another puff of the spliff; Spike and Doobie sat there not sure at what had just happened. “Um.. Was that...” Spike began. “Yeah.” Matt said. “And you...” Doobie said. “Mhmm.” Matt mumbled before getting up and handing the spliff to the other guys. Spike and Doobie finished off the blunt and got up too, all of them walking over to the basement door. Before they could open it the door was busted down and hit Doobie in the face, sending him to the floor. “Oof! Fucking cunts, this door attacked me!” Doobie yelled from under the thick wood. On the other side of the door was Applejack, her back legs looked like they had been squashed. They slowly regained their normal look. Matt concluded that her yellowish coat and soft body was a result from the doctors not being able to fully transform her back into a pony so she was still part cheese. He licked his lips. “Y’know, I’ve got the munchies.” Matt said, prowling towards Applejack who now looked more than scared. “N- no! Not again! Ah’m not going back down your gullet you freak!” Applejack yelled, running back down the stairs and cowering next to the unconscious but sexy Twilight. Matt slowly descended the stairs followed by Spike and Doobie, staring deep into Applejack’s soul with his hungry eyes. “No, no! Oh Celestia please no!” Applejack shrieked, backing up into the wall. Matt gave an almighty beat of his new wings, lift off and then went straight back down, tumbling down the stairs screaming horrid obscenities the whole way. He hadn’t learned how to fly yet. As he got back up at the bottom of the stairs Applejack had a confused look on her face as she had just noticed his new wings. “Wh- What? Yer an alicorn?” Applejack asked, confused. “Yes. I ate Celestia and gained her power.” Matt said ominously. “No. No! It can’t be! You didn’t kill her too!” Applejack screamed, tears filling her eyes. “We did. Now you’re next.” Matt said, igniting his horn and teleporting them both away. Doobie and Spike heard crashes and screams from the kitchen, followed by the loud clang of a frying pan smacking something. They turned to Twilight, who had begun to stir. “Wh- who are you? Where am I?” Twilight said, barely conscious. “Um... We’re library inspectors. You fell down the basement stairs as you were giving us a tour.” Doobie said, thinking quickly. Matt stumbled out of the kitchen, wielding a large sledge hammer coated in cheese. After falling down the basement stairs, he turned to Twilight and began yelling at her like a pissed off monkey. “WOLOLO.” He shrieked, waving his hooves in the air and spinning around; dominating his territory. He started to swing the large tool around, coincidentally smacking Spike across the jaw and causing him to become airborne. His scaly ass flew across the room and crashed into a fireplace. Luckily his scales prevented him from ending up in the same chrispy state as a certain yellow mare. Flutterfuck was lucky Matt was full, otherwise she might not have her 3 remaining legs; that is if she was still alive. “What the fuck, Matt?” Doobie shouted. “For the love of fuck stop swinging that shit in my face!” Matt decided to ignore Doobie, continuing his little rampage. After knocking a few books over and smacking Spike a few more times, he placed the hammer down and took a seat by Doobie. “What was that all about, you dumb cunt?” Doobie enquired, looking slightly more pissed off than usual. “While I was wrestling with that delicious, cheese coated cuntbag, she kicked me in the fucking face.” Matt rambled, acting out a rather interesting fight scene. “That’s why you flipped out?” Spike questioned. “No, I’m getting there. Back the fuck up, Spike.” Matt continued. “Anyway, I fell to the floor and held my face. At this point, she walked up to me and said “Pfff... Don’t make a meal of it, ya lil’ bitch.” I uncovered my fragile face long enough yell “Who the fuck are you calling a panzy ass faggot?” In response. She stuttered, trying to make sense of my masterful comeback. I quickly sat up and took a chomp out of her chewie flank while she was stunned. She screamed and shit, grabbing her ass and falling to the ground, giving me ample opportunity to find an exotic way to finish her. My head spun around the kitchen until I spotted a good old hammer. “That should do it.” I thought, picking it up and killing cheese face with it. I did in fact make a meal of it, a very delicious one.” “... Y- You done?” Doobie questioned, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah, you know how I act when I’ve got some cheese in me. “Y-You ate Applejack...” Spike stuttered. “Sure did.” Matt chuckled. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr. Foster sat back and reread the last page or so of material. He looked at Matt. Matt smiled. Mr. Foster shrugged and uploaded the chapter because he was too lazy to rewrite the shit that Matt had just spewed onto the Google doc.