Dear Diary,
Everything feels like it’s going wrong at the minute. I’ve tried and tried to be polite and nice and all the goody-goody stuff Mommy tried to teach me, but it’s just not working. He’s still pushing me further away from the ponies I care about. And the scary thing is I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just want everything to go back to how it was before he came. How can I even try to be my cutie-pie little self if he’s just pointing out my flaws to everypony? Okay, so he doesn’t just stand there talking about everything foalish about me, but he acts so grown-up. I’d like to see his face if I poured pepper all over his nose… oh, and I could put some cardboard houses around him and then he’d think he’d destroyed a bit of Canterlot—then maybe he’d leave. He’d go far, far away from me and my life. My life is mine, not his. Why should he get to just come and barge in again?
Thanks to him I’ve been acting a bit sulkier than I should recently. Everypony’s teasing me about it. Even all of my friends are doing it. Nocturn saw my face one day and now he’s given me a stupid nickname—More Dread. As in ‘Look, more dread’s coming our way. Run for your lives’. Jerk. But now Tia’s calling me that too. All of them are; they think it’s funny but it’s not. Daddy always taught me to believe that good things could happen if you tried, so I don’t bring more dread when I come into the room. So ya, boo sucks to you Nocturn. You’re nothing but a stupid foal even if you try and hide it behind being a grown-up.
Why don’t you run back to Crystal Crown? I’m sure she’s missing you. After all she always did wait on you hoof and hoof; she was your willing servant, not these foals; not my friends. Go back to Crystal. Go back where you belong—down under the ground. Just go anywhere that isn’t here.
No Diddy’s got to keep on smiling. Diddy’s got to be nice to the new foal because he’s a polite young colt and has to make him feel welcome. Diddy’s got to do this—Diddy’s got to do that. I’m not a yo-yo; I can’t just go this way and that when you pull me on a string. But no, Uncle La Loo says I’ve got to at least try to be a good colt and get along with the new student. Nocturn’s probably feeling really nervous moving here and I have to remember that anything he does wrong is probably just because he’s new here.
I didn’t say it to his face, but that’s utter garbage. I know Nocturn; Nocturn’s just like that. He always has been, even though I didn’t see it like that at first. It’s not that I want to make my friends upset by pulling them away from him; I just want to protect them from what he does. If Tia has the same treatment as I did, or even as Crystal did, then I don’t know what I’d do. I’d have to kick Nocturn in the flank—but then I’m not the better pony. A good Knight only fights when necessary—if words can solve it then they’ve got to be used. How do I do that though? Like HE listens to anything I say. He’s so big-headed that even the biggest big-head in the world couldn’t match him. I hate him, and I can’t seem to hide it.
Oh Diary, what about if he tells anypony about what happened to my Daddy? If they find out it was all my fault they’d never speak to me again. And the trouble is I don’t know if I could defend myself; I don’t know if I was the one who caused it or not. Maybe I was; maybe trouble just follows me everywhere. Maybe I’m the cruellest cruel pony in Equestria and I didn’t even know it. I could hurt my friends without even wanting to because I’m horrible and always would be.
Diary, I’m not sure any more about myself. I’ve always felt like I’m a nice colt—and I like playing really fun games and stuff—so does that mean that I’m a meanie from meanie town? Surely just wanting to have some fun isn’t a crime. Yet if it hurts those I care about—I don’t want it to. I want everything to go back to the way it was before.
I want Tia, and Galloway, and Blankety as my friends. Miamore and Gallophad like Nocturn too—but I don’t want them too. Nocturn’s been invited to the palace so many times now I’m losing count—and now Tia hardly ever invites me because she doesn’t want me ruining the fun that she has when she’s with Nocturn. Apparently I’m far too grumpy to spend any time with her anymore. But I’m not Tia, really I’m not, I just know the truth and am too scared to say it.
Loony’s about the only one who still likes to see me. She smiles at me when I go to see her—at least her cot’s far away from the intruder. Poor Loony has to be put in her room all day when Nocturn’s around; he doesn’t like seeing her but he told Tia he had an ‘allergy’. What of, ponies? He really is nothing but an idiot. Tia- how could you not see that? Come on, allergic to ponies? There are so many things wrong with that I couldn’t even begin to write them all down. Not that you’d listen anyway.
This is all getting stupid. AND I’M NOT MORE DREAD. So stop calling me it!
Daddy I miss you. Please come back. I need you to tell me what to do. Write in my Diary—tell me something—anything. It doesn’t even have to be clever. Please Daddy, sing me your lullaby. Make me feel sleepy so I can dream this all away. I’m begging. Please. Please. Please.
Make everything go back to normal.