So there I was - sitting in the bedroom with a changeling-pony hybrid. While I would have to explain how that happened (thinking along the lines of a failed magical experiment), and send the poor guy some chocolates to ease the pain, I needed to deal with little Kilo first. I was still puzzled by my sudden involvement in this little changeling’s life. I mean, I always wanted children, but I was kind of hoping that I could have some with my wife and not some…well you know.
Cadance and I had tried to conceive children multiple times, but no matter how hard or how much we did it, it never went as planned. The doctor kept telling us (over and over again, 'till I actually felt like firing him) that we were both fertile. While good news, it still discouraged her. So at the moment, I thought maybe a little baby might help ease her pain! Well, until we actually had our own kids; and all it took was me sleeping with a changeling for that to happen. Yeah, wasn't looking forward to telling her that.
But, like I said, everything had to wait until I took care of Kilo. I looked inside the bag, and found some basic things for taking care of a baby. It had many essential things: diapers, bandages (just in case), and what I could only assume to be toys. Though they looked rather tattered and rotten. Courtesy of his acidic saliva, no doubt. What I didn't find (well, in satisfactory amounts) though, was food. There were just two bottles of formula! I really was hoping that Chrysalis would have the decency not to rely on me for important things like food! I guess that was too much to ask...
At the bottom of the bag was an envelope with my name written on it. She also found it necessary to leave a greenish kiss mark as well. This constant mockery of the situation made me even happier that I wouldn't have to see her for a few days. I tore the side of the envelope and began to read the levitating letter.
"Hello there, Shiny! I hope you are getting used to our new relationship, and to us as the parents of our beautiful baby boy! However, as the mother of our new child, (and you being inexperienced with the ways of the changeling), I feel it is important to write to you about some things you might want to look out for!"
“Ow! What the…”
While I was carefully reading the note, Kilo decided to forcefully snap his jaws onto my tail, tug it, and hiss like a snake. I wondered if she cared to leave in the note on why a little changeling was dangling on my tail!
First I would like to inform you that our little Kilo is a very playful, and prefers to chew on soft things. He also gets very aggressive while playing, so if you value your tail (or maybe your face), I suggest you keep him satisfied with plush toys!"
“Value my ta….” I barely had time to finish my thoughts, when Kilo carelessly ripped half of my tail off!
I tried to hold back hot tears of immense anger! Kilo himself looked very content, and sat there chewing on the chunks of my used-to-be tail, sporting the most childlike grin!
"Aw, I can't stay angry at you!" I said with a smirk. “Okay, Kilo, we should set some ground rules,” I said, still smirking.
I lifted Kilo up once more. His ears perked in excitement: he was being lifted up by his daddy! I had to admit, his bubbly baby noises, as alien as they were, sounded rather cute!
“Rule number one: no biting daddy’s tail! That’s a big no-no!" I said, nudging his nose.
"Rule number two: when you need to spit, spit in the bag, OK? Rule number three: Uh, I’ll think of something (it shouldn't take long)... Got it, kid?”
Seeing how he was just a child, I knew that he probably didn't understand a single damn word I said. However, while reading a few "parenting" books, I found out that there were many cases where children retained and understood what their parents meant, so I was hoping Kilo might have understood something. But, all I got in return was an annoyed and rather discomforted look on his face. He began squirming, grunting, whimpering. Every possible baby sound was emitted from his tiny changeling mouth.
“Kilo what’s wrong? Daddies not going to hurt…”
I stopped for two reasons: The first being rather straightforward thought. What am I doing!? Am I really going to take all this? I knew I couldn't do anything to the kid, but he's the child of an enemy! An enemy I slept with without a second thought... But an enemy, no less...
The second reason being the unpleasant barrage of nasty smells bombarding my nose. It wouldn't take a scientist to figure out what had just happened.
“Oh, come on Kilo... You’re going to drop stink bombs on me...?” I groaned, “Well, I might as well change you then.”
I checked the note to make sure there was nothing "special" about changing a changeling's diapers. For all I knew his waste could be toxic... or something... Wouldn't surprise me after seeing his vomit sizzle through the floor!
Changing Kilo is rather simple: You can tell whether he's had an "accident" if he squirms in discomfort. If he soaks his diaper, just wipe him a little and change it like you would change any other baby's diaper! If he makes a big mess in his diaper, you’ll have to wipe him very well, and powder his bottom. Make sure not to use too much powder, though. Changeling babies have very sensitive bottoms.
“That’s it? No toxic radioactive waste? No explosive waste?” I asked myself, before eventually coming to the conclusion that none of that really mattered. “Aw well, like it or not, I gotta change this stinker!"
Kilo was pretty cooperative when it came to changing his diaper. Although that was the foulest smell I've ever had the courtesy of smelling! I was going to have to try and mask out the scent somehow...
Ha, I felt rather bad for those non-unicorn ponies: they have to lift these nasty things with their mouths! A pleasant grin beamed across my albino changeling's face as he babbled happily with his newly-changed diaper.
“Now stay here Kilo. Daddy will be right back!”
There was a garbage disposal area in the hall outside our living-area, so I figured it would be best to dispose of it there, so the smell wouldn't linger in our bedrooms. The quick journey gave me some time to get my thoughts together.
“Okay, having this kid around was not as bad as I thought.” I mumbled, “I mean, other than the fact that he snapped off half of my tail, he’s just a normal kid.. well, if you don't count the holes abundant in his tiny hooves. Plus, Cadance always wanted to have kids.”
I let out a brief sigh. What would my wife think of all this? "This is not our child!. I can’t bring myself to tell her about this…changeling… even if it was rather unintentional! Maybe she won’t mind that Chrysalis birthed our child. ‘Hey honey, I spawned a changeling child during the invasion! I know right! Such an odd turn of events’” I faintly snickered at my own thoughts before frowning. I knew I had no chance of selling that.
“Maybe I should just tell her I found it on the streets and decided to raise it.”
I decided to turn my attention to the note, and read the following instructions while heading down the hallway back to my room:
"Kilo spits up acid on some occasions, so make sure you clean him thoroughly! And always have some Napa leather around. It really is the only thing resistant to changeling acid!"
Well that solved my acid problem.
Also, keep close watch of Kilo and never let him out of your sight for too long. Baby changelings have a very extreme sense of curiosity (sometimes suicidal), and often put themselves in very dangerous situations. Make sure he stays safe! If he in any way gets hurt, consider yourself dead! Love you!
Well, that was a pleasant! it did have me slightly worried, though. What kind of "suicidal situation" could she have mentioned? This thoughts passed through my head as I pushed open the door to my bedroom. To my immense horror, Kilo was propped up on the balcony rails, giggling and snorting, looking down to his own doom!
“Kilo!” I yelled, “Get down from there, NOW!”
He didn't show a single bit of self-sustenance. He carelessly leaned far over the edge, and looked down to the city below. I rushed towards him, meaning to grab him, but he leaned too far and slipped off the edge!
“KILO!”
This was very bad! I praised Celestia that I was born a unicorn, otherwise Kilo would have met a gruesome fate! Using my telekinesis, I carefully caught him, and slowly lifted him back up. I eventually got him safely inside, and shut the doors to the balcony as hard as I could. I flopped to the ground and heaved a heavy sigh of relief.
“Note to self: never leave the balcony doors open with this kid around...”
Apparently, Kilo found all of this very amusing! he giggled with pleasure as he bounced up and down.
“This is NOT bucking funny!!” I panted.
My stern words caused the changeling infant to jolt up, and look at me straight in the eyes. “You think this is some sort of game!? Well it’s not! You could have died, for Celestia’s sake...”
Kilo didn't respond to the outburst too well. His eyes welled up, his lips started to quiver, and a look of immense sadness covered his little face. Within seconds, Kilo’s happy-go-lucky demeanor transformed into high-pitched, ear-piercing cries.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts! Welcome the father of the year! He caused his own baby changeling to burst into tears!" I thought, rather annoyed at myself.
“Kilo, please!” I had to raise my voice a bit, just enough to be able to hear myself talk. I prayed nopony would get curious and come up to see what was going on. It’s bad enough that I have to find a way to explain this to my wife! I don’t need gossip roaming the streets of the Crystal Empire, either!
“Kilo I’m sorry!" I moaned, "I didn't mean it! I was just a bit frustrated, that’s all! You see, your mother…” Nothing seemed to be working, it's like I was talking to a brick wall. I needed to find a way to get him to calm down! Hoping there was something else in Chrysalis’s letter, I began to read what was left.
P.S. Changeling babies never get upset. In fact, Kilo himself is one of the more calmer changeling newborns.
"Then why is he wailing like a siren!?" I groaned.
However, if he does start to cry, there’s two possibilities: He’s either soiled himself, or he’s hungry.
Hungry! Of course! Why haven't I though of that sooner? I levitated the baby formula and trotted towards the distraught baby. When I put it up to his face, he stopped crying and curiously glared at it.
“Come on, gobble it up.” I urged.
Instead of drinking the formula, he swatted it out of my hoof, then pointed at one of my hooves.
“What could you possible want with my hoof!?” I groaned, searching the letter for and explanation.
If he rejects his bottle, you most likely will have to feed him something changelings crave the most: Your love. All you have to do is let him suckle on one of your hooves! He eats other things, too, but I did not supply any of those things, because he most likely would want to feed off you. I figured you could do some of the shopping for Kilo.
I figured she would mooch off of me! Their kind is very weird, yet oddly intriguing. This might be similar to a mother providing milk for her young!
As much as I would have liked to deny the kid from suckling my hoof, considering how he destroyed my tail, I didn't have much of a choice. I positioned my right hoof in front of his mouth.
“Well, feed up, I suppose...”
Kilo squealed happily as he opened his slobbering mouth, just to reveal a row of very pointy teeth, and began sucking my hoof. Only seconds in, I saw what appeared to be a green aura leaving my arm. It tingled a bit, while also making me slightly nauseous.
"You’re a hungry fellow, aren't you!”
He just kept on feeding, and feeding and feeding. The green aura kept flowing from my body into his. What concerned me was my sudden drain in energy. No scratch that, sudden drain in life. It felt as if the kid was sucking the life out of me! In fact, at that moment, I was almost certain that’s what he was doing!
“Kilo…please stop…” I pleaded weakly, but with no avail. I had enough energy left to glance at the note.
P.S.S. Just a fair warning, Kilo loves to feed! If you feel light-headed, weak, and feel like you're dying, that’s just because you let him feed too long, and he will continue to feed until there’s no more love left. Now, this won't kill you, but It will make you very weary, and most likely an aggressive emotional wreck for quite a while. I suggest that you take him off your hoof immediately, before he sucks you dry. The longer he feeds, the longer it will take you to recover. But, also, the longer he feeds, the longer he will sleep. Figure out what works for you!
And that’s all you need to know
Love and Kisses,
Chrysalis
Yep, she was definitely taking this too far. However, that was the least of my worries. I had to get Kilo off of my hoof before he completely drained me of love. With my vision slightly blurry, I moved my other (twitching) hoof towards Kilo and pushed him off. He didn't seem to resist.
Everything's good, as long as the kid is satisfied, right? And that he was, though I couldn't really say I cared at that moment. In fact, I cared about nothing at the moment. I pulled myself towards the bed, then wearily slumped onto it, not caring enough to pull the blankets over my shivering body. I lay there for a while, staring blankly at the ceiling.
As long as the kid is satisfied right? And that he was, though I couldn't really say I cared at that moment. In fact, I cared about nothing at the moment. I walked towards the bed and splayed my body across, staring blankly at the ceiling.
“Yeah, everything I said about him being a normal child, I take it all back.” I moaned.
I spent the rest of the day watching Kilo play with his toys (and occasionally spit). One spit resulted in him upchucking wads of my tail, drenched with his acid. It landed on the leather and sizzled a bit. It left a smell similar to the smell when you light a match. As the hours went by, Kilo became more and more weary, until he eventually fell asleep. I gently placed him back inside the bag and slid him between the bedroom dressers. I was hoping he wouldn't wake up for the rest of the night, because I still had no intention of letting Cadance know he exists.
The mare of my dreams walked into the bedroom, just as I finished squeezing him between the dressers. She looked stunning. My goddess approached me with a smile and gently hugged me.
“So, how was your day?” Cadance asked, pulling me bit closer to her.
“Didn't do much...” I responded carelessly.
"Well, for someone who didn't do much, how did you manage to cut holes in the floor?! Care to explain that?" she asked.
I could feel cold sweat building up on my brow. I needed to come up with an excuse to avoid any misunderstandings.
"Well, I was playing around with some magic that was in one of Twily's books, so... I burned a few holes in the floor, by accident." Wasn't the best lie to come up with, but it would have to do.
“Well at least you had fun today," Cadance sighed. "All those meetings... It's just too tiring! Always the same thing! Financial business, signing documents, kissing babies, smiling... Ugh, such a drag!””
She said that last line with a hint of witty sarcasm in her voice, but she had no idea how close to home that one hit.
Oh, I wished I could have spent the day with you Shining.”
Oh, I don't think so...
“But now that I’m here, how about we make up for lost time.” Cadance’s voice quickly shifted into a sultry tone as she licked her lips. “What do you say, big boy? Want another shot at making foals tonight?”
Deep down In my mind I was thinking: yes!. I could use a little excitement to get over the numerous headaches that changeling kid caused me.
“No." I replied lazily.
“No!?” She said, rather shocked, “Are you sure you don’t want to try again tonight? I can make it worth your while...” she said while tracing her hoof across my chest.
“Sorry babe, I’m just not in the mood today..." She looked very startled, her mouth gaping.
I had never refused such a tempting request from her, until now. She looked slightly hurt, but she soon got over it.
“Oh…well, that’s fine. I guess I shouldn't expect too much... Sorry for trying to sway you into it. I’m going to take a shower and join you momentarily, okay?”
All I could do was nod, repeatedly, most of it from exhaustion. I was still slightly disappointed at myself. Cadance leaned towards me and gently kissed me. “I Love you, my Shining Armor.” she whispered.
“Yeah...” I replied wearily. Yet another lazy and incoherent response. I could feel that she was facehoofing on the inside.
This time I could tell my response realy hurt her feelings. She slipped off me and hurried to the bathroom. All I could do was groan and cup my head in frustration. The effect of Kilo’s feeding still hadn't worn off, and it was already starting to sour my love life with Cadance.
“This kid,” I sighed to myself. “What am I going to do...?”
Leaning off the edge of the bed, I glanced over at the bag, and noticed Kilo sleep soundly inside. If Chrysalis wasn't lying, he wouldn't wake up for the rest of the night, or at least that was my hope. But at any case, I could not leave things as they were. I needed help. There had to be somepony with better expertise and experience in raising a different species... Somepony who could help me learn about my changeling child. A certain sister who lived in Ponyville.
“I gotta get to Twilight.” I groaned, as I rolled over and closed my eyes.