Hey Hey What Can I Do
Phil and Twilight sat down next to each other on the train, both reflecting on the day's outrageous events. Neither could say they fully liked or hated the experience, but it was confusing nonetheless, and left implications on their minds.
The implication on Phil's mind was that he was finally losing his marbles. All it took was one little potion and he suddenly became attracted to ponies. Sure, he thought they were cute with their big eyes, bushy tails and lack of hands, but they were cute in the 'hug you and squeeze you and call you George' sense. And he wouldn't be attracted to anyone named George. However, he had been kissed by a pony, and almost kissed a pony himself today. If this kind of thing continued to happen, would he really...no, that's absurd. There was no way he would fall for these ponies, right?
Meanwhile, Twilight had implications of her own on her mind. Princess Celestia, her mentor that had taught her since she was a little filly and who she admired more than anypony in the world, was secretly a master seductress. How else would she explain what she saw happening up on the tower? With The Princess' magic goggles, she couldn't have been under the influence of Phil's magic, and yet the two had been about to kiss right in front of her. Phil looked willing to kiss her! And were the two in a relationship now? Were they simply lovers? Coltfriend and marefriend? Engaged to each other? Or worse...she cringed at the thought. Were they...Fuck Buddies? She shivered, hoping if anything it wasn't the last one. Twilight was scared to ask, but knew she needed to know the answer.
Twilight turned to Phil. "Soo, Phil? You and The Princess...?" She left her question open ended.
Phil had a small muscle spasm out of surprise for her question. "Wha-Wha no! W-What are you talking about? Me and The Princess? What Princess? I don't know any princesses. You must be tired Twilight, imagining up princesses like that."
She face hoofed at his display. "Don't play games with me, Phil! I know what I saw out there. Now tell me, what is your relationship status with The Princess?"
"R-Relationship s-status?" he stuttered. "We don't have anything of the sort! I just met her today! How easy do you think I am? Twilight moved to say something, thinking she had offended Phil, but he cut her off with his fake offense and continued. "Honestly, I think that's the rudest thing I've heard since coming here. I think I'm just going to go to the bathroom, and when I get back, we won't speak of this again. Good day, Madam."
By now Twilight saw through his rouse of stupidity, but he was already speed walking to the bathroom...What? You can't run on a train while needing to empty the tank! That's how accidents happen. Incidentally, an accident did occur, but it didn't have anything to do with emptying the tank. In Phil's haste, he ran into a train attendant mare carrying a tray of drinks, sending them all over Phil and sending Phil to the floor of the train.
The train attendant rushed to his aid, checking to see if he was alright. "I'm so sorry, Sir! You were walking so fast that I just couldn't avoid you. Are you okay?"
Physically, Phil was peachy. Mentally, Phil was having a level 4 pentagon crisis. He was wet, he was sure of it and he was looking right at the train attendant pony. However, it seems just as Phil was getting used to situations like this, life decided to give him his just desserts. Or to put it in Layman's terms, fuck him. Apparently, the potion Celestia had him drink hadn't worn off yet, because the train attendant mare was looking awfully...cute.
"Oh, I'm just such a klutz," she exclaimed. "I need to clean this mess up now before Rail Road sees it."
Turning her back to Phil, she bent over to retrieve the cups, giving Phil a scenic view of her-
"Woah, Mama!" he said, partially covering his eyes. He mentally berated himself for being unable to look away. Just how long did Celestia's Perv Potion last anyway?
"Phil, is everything alright?" called Twilight, trotting up to the scene of the accident.
If you've even read one chapter of this story, you know that Phil, aware his powers were active, would do the most sensible and logical thing he could think of. He turned right around, and looked Twilight right in the face. Upon getting closer, Twilight noticed the glow in his eyes, but had already looked into them and knew it was too late to look away. She came to a grinding stop and shoved her face into the nearest seat, which consequentially contained the lap of a confused stallion. Becoming aware of the stallion, she ripped her head out of his lap and dropped to the floor, covering her head with her hooves.
"No! I don't want to rut Phil! At least not on a public train! Somepony, restrain me quick before I...hey...I'm fine? I'm fine! I'm totally fine! Yippee!"
The stallion she had just face-planted her face into shook his head in disagreement. "Gurl, you ain't that fine. Siddown and quit makin' such a fuss."
"Oh, sorry, sir," she said, letting out an embarrassed chuckle.
Twilight turned to Phil with an excited grin on her face and hugged tackled him.
"Do you know what this means, Phil? The Princess really did fix your powers! The Princess taught me the magic goggle spell, but I wasn't using it when you looked at me, and I'm completely okay! You can finally get wet, look at a mare, and she won't try to furiously rut you into the floor. Isn't that great, Phil?"
Phil personally would have loved to hear every word coming out of Twilight's mouth, but he was too concerned with her hooves around his chest. Why did they make him feel so flustered? Her body was close enough that Phil could even hear her heartbeat. It's rhythm entranced Phil, making him tune out every other noise but it. And then she looked at him with those eyes. Those big, beautiful, amethyst eyes. Phil felt like a butterfly in a stomach.
...I'm pretty sure that's how the expression goes.
"Uhh, Phil, are you alright? Your face is all red and you look like you're spacing out a bit."
She brought a hoof to his forehead to check his temperature. That action snapped Phil out of his trance, only to make him vividly blush at Twilight's touch.
She gave him a concerned look, which in Phil's state was absolutely heart-wrenching. "Phil, you're scaring me, are you al-"
"POTTY TIME!" he yelled, sprinting off to the bathroom in a panic. His outburst left Twilight with one single question.
"Did this guy really almost score with The Princess?"
Phil stayed in the bathroom for the remainder of the trip back to Ponyville, despite the few knocks at the door of the ponies who actually needed to use the bathroom. Phil's powers had turned off about twenty minutes before they stopped, but Phil wasn't taking any chances with his powers now that they affected him instead of everyone/pony/hippo/whatever else.
Once he felt the train come to a full stop, he emerged from the bathroom and located Twilight, who was sitting alone and looking pretty irritated. Phil could have easily just explained to Twilight that his powers were inverted, but that would require telling Twilight that he was attracted to her, something he wouldn't tell her even if he was held down and reintroduced to Mr. Whiskers [see Chapter 1, section 23, subsection J if having trouble remembering who this is].
She saw him approaching and glared daggers at him. If looks could kill...well, this one wouldn't. Probably just a small concussion and a bruise or two. But I digress.
"You fall in or something?" she said, practically growling.
He laughed nervously in an attempt to diffuse the situation. "I just wasn't feeling too good. Probably just got trainsick."
"Train sick?" she said, eyeing him with suspicion. "You didn't sound that sick from the other side of the door when I heard you singing! You totally ditched me in the aisle after your outburst! Do you know how awkward that was? What was that song anyway? Its lyrics made no sense!"
"Its Space Oddity by David Bowie and its lyrics are beautiful!"
"Okay, enough enough," she groaned. "It's been a long day and we're both probably tired, so before we go into a full blown argument about this, let's just go home and get some rest."
Phil huffed. "Yeah, you're right, we're getting worked up for nothing. I'm gonna head on down to Fluttershy's place now, see you in-"
He stopped mid-sentence when he realized he didn't know when he'd see her next. Technically, his powers weren't a danger to the town, nor was his presence, so did Twilight even have a reason to see him again? Would this be their last encounter?
At this, a heartfelt smile overtook Twilight's face upon seeing Phil's conflicted expression, realizing he had thought about the very same problem that she herself had.
"How about this," she started. "I'm busy tomorrow, but I'm free for lunch the day after. Would you like to join me by any chance?"
The dumb grin that came from this matched the way Phil felt perfectly. "Sounds like a plan! See you then, Twilight Sparkle."
She nodded, and the two went off in their respective directions, both giddy at the prospect of a new friend.
Phil arrived at the home of his current caretaker after several minutes of aimlessly wandering through the dark. Oh how he wished he had kept the map that energetic pink mare had given him. It was already pretty late, as Phil could only assume by the night sky and lack of ponies walking around, so the darkness of the night made finding the cottage a lucky guess at best.
Stumbling up the cottage steps in a weary state, Phil lifted his hand to knock at the door, but stopped, noticing a note posted on the door. It read:
Phil, don't bother knocking at the door, just come in; The door is unlocked. It was late, so I decided to go to sleep, but don't let that stop you from crawling into bed with me, as the couch and guest bed remain broken.
Fluttershy
"Oh yeah, I forgot that I've got to sleep in the same bed as her. Well, at least she'll already be asleep I suppose. And how the hell did she manage to write without hands? And how is her writing neater than mine?"
He opened the door to a light-less cottage, and stumbled around the living room until he found his way to the stairs and up to Fluttershy's bedroom. Tip-toing inside her room as not to wake her, Phil looked at the sleeping form of Fluttershy and smiled lightly. She really was adorable when she was asleep. He shuffled into the covers and, finding a comfortable position to sleep in, closed his eyes and let sleep take him.
Phil struggled to move as the chains that bound him slowly descended above a boiling pool of acid. A shrewed voice laughed diabolically from afar as Phil's inevitable death was mere moments away.
"What do you expect me to do?" he cried out. "Talk?"
A voice responded, bellowing from his sworn arch-nemesis, Mr Doctor Professor Whiskers. "No, Phil Phillips. I expect you to die!"
"It'll be a cold day in Pony-hell when that happens, Mr Doctor Professor!"
He chuckled to himself. "Then it must be getting pretty chilly there already, Mr Phillips! Bahahaha!" The chain holding Phil to the ceiling was detached as Phil began to fall towards the acid.
"This can't be how it ends!"
Will Phil Phillips survive Mr Doctor Professor Whisker's trap? Can he stop his plan of world-domination? Why am I asking you these questions? Find out the answer to these and more, on the next Dragon Ball Z-
"BUT DRAGON BALL Z IS OVE-...huh?"
Phil awoke with a start, a bad habit of his that usually managed to wake up anyone around him, namely Fluttershy who promptly fell out of bed in surprise.
"All the money's in the chest, please don't hurt me-...oh, Phil, it's just you." She stretched from her position on the floor and stood up in a bit of a daze. "Phil, your wake ups are so, umm...dramatic. How was your visit to Canterlot with The Princess?"
Phil rubbed his eyes of sleep and briefly thought back to the events of the previous day. "Oh, it was pretty good," he said groggily. "Saw the castle, met the princesses, got attacked by some guards, seduced Twilight, you know, the usual kind of thing."
She gasped at the third and fourth events. "Oh my, are you okay?! I can't believe the guards would just attack you like that. Do I need to rope tie a mare again?"
Phil was a little uneasy about her willingness to tie other ponies up, but he didn't mention it, for fear of being tied up. With this mare, you couldn't be too careful.
"No, nobody has to be tied up; The effects of my powers only last under 24 minutes, remember? And I guess I can't really say I didn't have a fault in the guards attacking me, but I'm just fine, so don't worry about it."
"Oh, okay," she replied with a nod. "Speaking of your powers, did The Princess do anything about them?"
Phil looked away from the mare. "Yes," he lied. "They're all 100% completely gone. Gone gone gone gone gone."
"That's wonderful!" she exclaimed. "That means you can finally have a shower and the water won't do anything, right?"
"Uhh, yeah?"
This wasn't good. Lying about his powers had just landed him in hot water; literally. He had decided not to shower the day before to avoid any unnecessary rape scenarios, due to his powers, but now that Fluttershy thought his powers were gone, he had no excuse for not showering. With his powers inverted, he had a very dangerous situation on his hands.
I'm sure you'd all love to hear more about Phil showering, but that part of the story was deleted for being, how you say, too steamy; Moving on.
Phil stepped out of the shower, dripping wet, and proceeded to dry himself as fast he could. If he was able to completely dry himself of any water, his powers would shut off according to the rules Twilight had drawn up for his powers; Boy, were those rules handy.
Vigorously drying himself liked he never dried himself before, he watched the bathroom's mirror until his eyes stopped glowing and returned to their normal, boring, non-glowing state. He had to admit, having his eyes glow was pretty cool, but the side effects that came with it weren't quite worth it.
Phil dressed back up in his clothes and thought about what he would do for more clothing. Hopefully that 'Rarity' mare was better soon, because wearing the same clothes day in and day out was somewhat horribly disgusting. Somewhat.
"Phil, do you want breakfast?" he heard Fluttershy call from downstairs.
He licked his lips and called back sarcastically. "Did Grizzly Adam's have a beard?"
"What?"
"Never mind, just a saying."
He rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen to see Fluttershy and her rope-partner in crime, Angel Bunny, eating some type of vegetable.
"Sorry, Phil. I just decided to have a light breakfast today because I'm low on groceries. Is celery okay for you?'
"Oh, yeah, celery is fine. It's one of the vegetables I actually li-yip!" he yelped, stepping into Angel's unnoticed water bowl. Not expecting the water, he stepped back too quickly and slipped, landing smack dab on his back.
"Phil!" cried a concerned Fluttershy, rushing to his aid. Unfortunately, she rushed a little too fast and slipped on the small puddle of water Phil had created stepping into the water bowl, sitting smack dab on Phil's face.
Phil, opening his previously closed eyes from the slip, had two thoughts upon realizing what he was staring at.
His first thought: "These aren't my glasses."
His second thought: "Why the fuck don't they wear diapers or something?"
Fluttershy, realizing what had occurred, also had two thoughts on the situation.
Her first thought: "Oh, I'm sitting on Phil's face."
Her second thought: "OH MY GOSH, I'M SITTING ON PHIL'S FACE!"
Very subtle difference. She leapt off him and froze in place, being unable to choose between apologizing to Phil, or just running away to the farthest corner of her house to slowly die of embarrassment.
Phil sat up and slowly turned his head to the offending mare. Words escaped him as his thoughts became jumbled by not only what just occurred, but also the realization that he was wet and staring right at Fluttershy. What didn't help the situation was his gaze drifting downwards towards Fluttershy's Fluttercooch, and Fluttershy becoming very aware that Phil was staring at her Fluttercooch.
She immediately covered up her exposed position. "W-W-Why are you looking at my-"
"THAT DOES IT!" shouted Phil, also becoming aware of what he was staring at. If a potion made him like this, a potion of some sort could turn it back. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS DAMN INVERTED POWER! WHERE IS YOUR TOWN'S FUCKING CHEMIST?!"