The next morning, Twilight awoke to a beautiful smell drifting upstairs from the kitchen. The sun was shining its golden rays through the shutters, and she smiled. Opening her eyes, she realised that the flute music she had been hearing was actually the Crab-Bot. Jumping quickly back, and inhaling sharply, Twilight clutched her blankets to her chest. The robot had managed to defeat his mighty nemesis, the door, after using the brilliant tactic of intimidating it by tapping and 'ohohohoho'ing. Luckily for the wooden door, the two people came and opened it, so the Spycrab had yet to eliminate the enemy for good.
"Erm..." Twilight groaned, allowing her breathing to get to normal. "Good morning?"
"Hello. Ohohohoho." replied the robot. There was a moment of silence, the robot staring rather awkwardly at the Princess, expecting her to do something. Finally, Twilight looked to the staircase, and remembered the smell of food. Slowly, she exited the bed.
"Um...I'll get my breakfast now?" she cautiously said.
"Ohohohoho."
"Riiiight...I'll be off."
"But of course. Ohohohoho." Twilight began to walk down the stairs, and left the Crab-Bot with Spike. He could handle it: it was possibly the most harmless creature on Equis, from what she could tell.
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"Makin' baco-erm, toast." Engineer cheered. His Gunslinger was clamped over the gas hob, slowly rotating so the bread grasped within went a golden brown. "Dag nabbit, I miss bacon already."
"Yeah." Sniper replied. "An' I'm runnin' outta cigarettes." Sniper was dicing tomatoes with his kukri, a skill he picked up from years of dicing Buffalo eyeballs for his survival soup. The blade cut through the...vegefruit with ease, the small slices dropping into his trusty frying pan on the other hob. Twilight smiled at the sight of two creatures doing the cooking for her, and stood in the kitchen doorway.
"Sooo..." she giggled. "Feeling like chefs today, hmm?"
"Nah." Sniper replied. "It's polite to do things for your host. We didn't know what ya liked, so we made fried tomatoes on toast." A plate was rather quickly pushed in front of her, with a rather tasty looking grilled sandwich. However, instead of the usual thin lines on her toast, there seemed to be an imprint of one of the human's hands. Slightly confused, but smiling, she looked at Engineer, who raised his metal right hand and waved with a grin. "Enjoy it, Shiela, I diced the tomatoes with my knife." Sniper said. "And yes I washed it."
Twilight released a breath she didn't realise she had been holding, nodded to the pair, and sat down at the table. She gave the sandwich a bite. Ooooh, this is lovely. she thought. I could get used to this. Just then, there was a knock at the door.
"Come in!" called Twilight, before taking another mouthful. The door creaked open, and 20 hooves were heard, with four bouncing. Immediately, she knew who it was.
"Howdy, Twilight." Applejack beamed. "We came to check up on ya, what with these nasty humans walkin' around."
"They're not nasty." Twilight replied. All the girls gasped, except 4 were drowned out by one.
"WHAT?" came the group reply.
"Yeah, they're OK." Twilight repeated. "They made me this sandwich, and it's a nice toasted diced tomato sandwich."
"Yeah?" Rainbow Dash cut in, glaring daggers at Sniper, who was idly crunching an apple and twirling his kukri between his fingers. "Well, I don't trust 'em. All they've done is demand things, and treat you like dirt! You're a PRINCESS, for crying out loud!"
"Oi, Shiela, we're not untrustworthy!" Sniper said from the kitchen. "Only Spies are untrustworthy, and we ain't those backstabbin' Frenchies."
"You shut your mouth, mister!" Rainbow shot back. "When I'm around, you speak when spoken to!"
"Y'all remind me o' Soldier when he's pissy 'bout somethin'." Engineer grinned from the kitchen, moving his hands for emphasis.
"You too, toymaker!"
"Woooo-ee. Would ya look at that. Spittin' image o' Ol' Tin Hat." Just then, before the argument could become more intense, there was a familiar noise. Taptap. Chugging. All the girls except Twilight braced up, and began to shake.
"Twilight, what is that?" Applejack trembled. The new creature had come down the stairs, and stared at them with blue eyes, and it seemed to be wearing a metal recreation of a suit. Most eccentric, though, was the fact it mimicked a crab's stance, arms poised above it's head.
"Crab-Bot." Twilight replied casually, biting her sandwich and melting slightly at the taste.
"Actually, that there is a Spycrab." Engineer corrected, now next to the group with his hands on his hips. "They're endangered, and pretty much as much use as a box of rocks." Just before Pinkie Pie could begin verse 62, line 12, Twilight interuppted.
"So, it's not a Crab-Bot?" she asked, watching the machine as it approached the group.
"Nah." Sniper replied, dismissing her with a wave of his hand. "Spycrab. Bloody useless, but endangered. More likeable than Pootis Birds, though. Those wankers 'ave a bloody mean right hook."
"Pootis Bird?"
"We'll explain later. But all y'all need to know is that these are harmless, unless they have a knife or gun. Then ya run."
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"So, $200 fuels each of these for a day?"
"That is correct."
"Wow, that's good. Might I ask, ahem, Grey Man, why might I not see your identity?"
"Who I am is no concern to you, ahem, Announcer, but what my price is should be your concern instead."
"Of course, of course...so $15000 each? Seems steep."
"If you are to fool your mercenaries on the RED team, you will almost certainly require the Bolted-Sniper and Mecha-Engineer Mk.II. If not, then allow them to boycott your commands, and eventually quit. So what'll it be, Helen?"
"What? Ho-how do you know-"
"I know all, Helen. All about the mercenaries, Mann Co. and its products, and most importantly, you. So: will you buy?"
"Hmmph. Very well. I expect them to arrive by tomorrow, lest I cancel the deal and send Mrs Pauling to your location."
"I can make them arrive within the hour, and I doubt you'll be finding me any time soon, especially when your GPS systems are down."
"What...the-WHAT?! Miss Pauling, get technical on the line! NOW! NO-"
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"Stand up straight." Rarity ordered Sniper. "It'll bring out the cleanliness in your hat, darling."
"I've said before, Shiela," groaned the Australian, "I don't want my hat clea-"
"What did we say about that...word?"
"Don't bloody say it." growled Sniper. Engineer was waiting outside the 'boutique', so thankfully he wasn't being embarassed in front of his mate. Twilight had given them the orders to go and prepare for the visit of the Princesses, so they had to go and check on food, decorations, music, and weather. The lavender mare seemed to be having memories of it, so the two humans left her in her little trance-like state.
"I know what you said I can and can't say, Madam," spat Sniper, "But everything I carry with me, my speakin' and clothes included, are the few bits of my life I 'ave left. The blood and bear claw marks on this hat are me memories of my life before I had to start shootin' wankers through the head, so I respectfully say no to yer bloody washing."
"Well, the blood isn't very good for first impressions, darling." Rarity whined. "And I had a beautiful feather to go with your shirt..."
"I've put Tiger Shark teeth in my hat, but they clashed with the bleedin' crocodile teeth already on it, darling." Sniper growled, glaring down at the mare as she went through the box of feathers, diamonds, and what looked like knives, but turned out to be eccentrically shaped ribbons. "Plus, me an' Engi have to check on the other preparations for your 'Princesses' and their visit." Rarity sighed loudly, and turned.
"Very well, dear," she groaned, glaring back at him, "But you can't blame me for trying to make you look good." Her words fell on deaf ears, as the door slammed violently when the Australian stalked off. "How rude..." she muttered, as she began to tidy the mess she had made. "I hope he's banished by the Princess for being so un-gentlemanly."
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"Sniper?" Engineer asked as the pair began to walk down the country road.
"Yeah?" replied the Australian.
"You think we're gonna ever get home? Y'know, back t' Teufort?"
"I can only bloody 'ope." sighed Sniper. "Anyway, what do ya think that Spycrab's doin' in bloody Ponyland?"
"Ah dunno, that's what I'm worried about. And the fact he's a darned robot? Strange, real strange, pardner. Y'all think there's more?"
"Maybe. Maybe there's even a robot of the entire team. I 'ope mine's bloody brilliant, and a real man."
"Huh. Maybe."
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"Demopan!" yelled Demo-Bot, as he smashed down Rarity's back door. (Heh.) The 'drunk', 'scottish', 'normal' robot began to ransack the building, leaving the albaster unicorn no time to react.
"MONSTEEEEEEEER!" she screamed, cowering on a box. Demopan did not relent on battering the white horse; sickening cracks and screaming filled the room as Demopan gave no remorse with his mighty pan of frying. Once he was done with the mannequin, he turned his attention to Rarity. Just before he could begin interrogating her, something caught his optical sensor.
It was a red military styled Stako, golden trim glinting in the light.
OBVIOUS JOKE IN THREE. TWO. ONE.
"Stout Shako, for two refined." Demopan declared proudly, pointing at the hat. Rarity froze.
"Y-You...want the-the hat?" she stuttered, slowly climbing down from the ceiling. "For...what?"
"Two refined." repeated the robot. Before she could ask, it pulled 2 piles of gleaming silver metals from a hidden compartment in his posterior, before offering them to her.
Rarity drooled slightly: those parts would be the perfect addition to the new watch she was making for a Noble in Canterlot. Immediately, she nodded, and gave the machine the hat via leviatation. In return, the machine gave the parts to the unicorn, and put a thumb up. "Thanks mate!" laughed the robot.
"Erm...certainly." smiled Rarity. Though he had wrecked her shop, that could easily be fixed with a simple repair spell. But now she also had some more materials to make the watch with, and she now knew there were more machines running about Ponyville and possibly Equestria, she had info for her good friend Twilight. Before she could ask anything else, there was a loud clanking and clattering outside.
"What on Equis...?" she murmured, trotting to the window and peering outside. To her surprise, there were many, many Spycrabs, if she remembered the name, with two robots in front. One was the 'Shako-Bot', and the other seemed to be a metal replica of a certain grumpy human with no manners. She facehoofed. Almost as if on cue at seeing her facehoof, the Spycrabs all made the regular 'ohohohoho' sound, and approached the shop.
Breaking the door down in the process, the Sniper-Robot clanked inside, and stopped in front of her with what seemed to be a rifle.
"G'day!" he cheerily waved, before appearing to relax and wander around the shop, staring at hats in particular. Most specifically, he seemed to like looking at the Austallion slouches, just like Sniper. Finally, the robot stood, walked to the door, and shouted. "YEAH."
"OHOHOHOHO" replied the Spycrabs, as all of them scuttled inside.
"Ugh...this should be quite fun..." Rarity sighed, before moving behind the counter.