Why does life have to be so hard on me? I don't get it. My mom dies, my dad abuses me, my dad steals my friend and runs off, my cutie mark refuses to cooperate, my house burns down, and I am plagued by everything that could possibly piss me off.
And here we are, out on yet another romp through the trashed streets of Ponyville to experience all of it together. What? Did I say we and together? Yes, yes I fucking did.
You see, about five minutes after leaving my house I was accosted by the lesbian of all ponies. Now, here’s the fun part, up until this point ponies who saw me either burst out laughing or simply yelled something at me. Now me, the great and amazing me, disregarded them as nothing more than pieces of crap. That was until the lesbian helpfully pointed out to me that, well, I left my home sporting a gigantic erection.
It took me less than a minute to return to the house and slam my head repeatedly into my wall to rid myself of the unwanted boner. It worked.
Now, aware that a lot of ponies know what my erect penis looks like, I decided to bring you with me, you know, to keep me from murdering everypony.
And as you can see, the kind denizens of Ponyville were kind enough to leave me with probably the biggest mess I’ve ever seen. There’s so much crap…so much crap…mostly just fliers looking for the Ponyville Pervert.
What? Booky, I am hardly in the mood, what do you want? The Ponyville Pervert? What about him? Yes, it is me, why? Ugh, if it will shut you up.
You see, I didn’t only just expose myself to those ponies. Oh no, that’d be too fucking simple. I -in my infinite brilliance-, decided that my erection was THEIR faults. And, my beliefs being such, I decided to accost them like so, “Maybe if you would all wear some fucking clothes then some of us wouldn’t pop a raging boner!” As the word boner was screamed in public for all to hear, the filly scouts walked by.
Fuck my life. Fuck it hard and fuck it straight.
Yes, that is why I am the Ponyville Pervert. I’m not sure what divine power finally gave me a break by noting that nopony is exactly sure of what the Ponyville Pervert looks like, so there’s that I suppose.
I mean- OH, A SHINY THING! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
Booky, my friend, I have just found a shiny new button! Hah, almost makes all the crap go away for a few seconds. Ahh, that feeling when you get exactly what you want.
I gave thought to moving today. I mean, what’s keeping me here? Nothing, that’s what. The only things I own that I really care about are you, Carty, and my button collection. You think I could make a life for myself in Cloudsdale? Sure, it might be a bit windy, but- wait, I don’t have wings. Right, Earth pony. We gotta think of someplace that isn’t racist towards its residents.
Maybe Canterlot? You think that’d work? Sure, I’d be living out of Carty- OH, A SHINY THING! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGI- never mind, the light from my lantern hit a pile of crap in such a way that it glistened.
Now, where was I? Right, the prospect of being a homeless.
I don’t think I’d mind it too much. I mean, I can always…wait, Canterlot is where those two royal bitches live. Never mind.
Hm, I could probably carve a good life for me out of the Everfree Forest. What? Yes, I’m aware it’s dangerous. I’m also aware that I’ve got stupid luck. Whatever doesn’t kill me usually ends up leaving me alone afterwards…you know…except for everything that’s tried to kill me.
Appleloosa might work. I mean, it’s a little ways out there and the weather might be a bit more hot than I’m used to, but we could easily do it! Think about it, a place with only Earth ponies in it. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? No malicious pegasuses, no uptight unicorns, no royal bitches, and no lesbians! Oh, it almost sounds perfect! I mean- OH, A SHINY THING! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
Now look at this, isn’t this just pretty? An apple shaped pendant with either three apple fritters or three parts of one apple fritter. Looks like it’s made of gold, really nice find. Who would just throw this out? With that in mind, who throws any of this crap out? Does it just fall off? Do I care? No, just so long as it keeps falling. Hm, I think I could probably squeeze about fifty or sixty bits out of this thing. Especially if it’s something dear to a certain family of apple farmers I happen to know.
Hah, we were thinking about Appleloosa and I found an apple thingy. Nice!
Well, I think it’s settled; we’re moving to…wait, isn’t that in a desert? Well crap, I hate sand. There goes that.
The idea, however, was sound. A place without things I hate. Hm, that means no retards, no pegasuses, no unicorns, no fat ponies, no royal bitches, no schools, no musicians, absolutely no bees, no Derpy Hooves, plenty of alcohol, no anypony else, and, most importantly, no things I hate. Yep, sounds like a place to start from.
If I could manage to sneak onto a ship and remain hidden I might be able to make it to Saddle Arabia. It’s not…wait, damn it, it has sand too. Crap.
What about Dodge Junction? Wouldn’t…nope, it has sand too…crap….again.
This shouldn’t be so crapping hard. Why can’t there just be one place, just a single location that works? One devoid of royal bitches, unicorns, pegasuses, and crap like that? Maybe one founded on the principles of a agriculturally focused ideal. Yeah, one not too far from civilization so that the crap that ponies lose can actually be bought back for large amounts of bits. Yeah, that’d be nice. Too bad nothing comes to mind.
Wait, what about Manehatten? Wouldn’t be too hard of a trip to get there and I’m pretty sure it has no royalty. Yeah, that could work cause it doesn’t have any sand! Yeah! That’s it! We’re gonna move to Mane- OH, A SHINY THING! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
…What is this supposed to be? It’s like a tiny little cylinder thing. Maybe a wheel? What has cylinder wheels? For that matter, what has wheels this small? Hmph, junk. Nothing of value here- OH, A SHINY THING! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
YES! THIS IS WHY I STILL LIVE! What I have just found, as you can see with your nonexistent eyes that totally exist, its a little diamond! Looks like it has something attached to it. Hm, looks like this thing was attached to something else, probably jewelry and from the way this little metal -possibly silver- thing has the diamond set into one end I can see that it probably sat on top of the accessory, especially probable considering the lack of gravitational clasp keeping the diamond from just plopping off thanks to gravity. That means that this is likely the broken piece of a crown or tiara. Too bad the rest of it isn’t here. A little tape would fix that right up! I could probably get twenty or twenty-five for this thing, but if this little bit is silver -which I will indeed be selling it as being- then I can probably get a good eighty!
Isn’t this exciting? I’m having so much fun right now! This is why I haven’t plunged off some windy cliff by now. After everything I go through and I mean EVERY-FUCKING-THING I go through, a quiet night of work is such a blessing. Almost as though somepony up high even made that so deliberately -keeping in mind that all forces of power hate me in this world- I wouldn’t kill myself or happen to find myself victim of gravity and cliffs.
And over there is the house in which that pink retard resides. We will now be silently trotting by to make sure that- BOOK IT, THE LIGHTS ARE ON!
I-will-never-say-that-I-have-ever-experienced-a-close-one-again.
That was torture.
Fuck…a stallion was not meant to run so quickly for such good reason.
At least I can live with the knowledge that I’ve avoided an altercation with…and there she is. Damn it.
Why? Why do these things happen? Excepting that, why do these things happen to ME?
Yes, Booky, this is Pinkie Pie, stop asking.
You know what? I’m so not going to say anything to her. I’m just gonna walk away.
Yep, walking away.
Still going.
She’s still here.
Not gone.
By my side despite the fact that she shouldn’t be.
Still there.
Somehow on the other side now.
…
Why?
Doesn’t she have better things to do?
ENOUGH! I AM THROUGH WITH HER…STUFF!
That’s compost I’m not getting back, but worth it nonetheless. I mean, doesn’t she take hints? I don’t want to talk to her, let alone about some foal named Shimmer Shade who I have absolutely never met in my entire life ever.
You know what? I feel better now. Sometimes I suppose it’s just better to let it all out. Yeah, that’s really good advice right there, Booky. You’re lucky as crap that I let you get this stuff for free.
Unfortunately, that’s gonna set me back. Give me a few minutes to just go at it without having to update you as I do things.
Hah, I wrote go at it.
Found another button, success is hard to transcribe onto paper.
Hey, I found a book! Looks like crap. The cover’s a little messed up, but I think it says Nifty Glades of Hay. Hm, never heard of it. More for the compost though.
What? Oh, did that upset you? Well, Booky, would you want to be kept around if you looked like that book? It’s in terrible condition! The words can’t even be read! Is that a life you want? Being looked at but never being read? Hmph, didn’t think so. Don’t go throwing those looks at me, mister…miss…um…Booky, what gender are you? I’ve always thought you were a dude or something, but I’ve never been certain. Come on, tell me.
Aw geez, don’t be that way. Come on, Booky, look at me. Look, I’m sorry, see? Legitimately sorry. Booky, come on. You’re acting like a pamphlet! You know what? I’m not writing in you anymore until tomorrow mevening at the least!