A rather unusual purple lizard.
I stared at it, and it looked away uncomfortably. So it has some form of intelligence. This must be the first of the fascinating creatures on this world. It was sitting on the ponies back like a normal person, with two stumpy legs resting on each side of her back. It had purple scales, with a light greenish scaled belly running down its front. Its eyes were slitted like a cats and emerald in colour. It had a row of spines, or spikes along the top of it's head which presumably ran down its back to its presumed tail, along with two others over, or instead of ears.
He leaned down and whispered into the ponies ear "Uh, Twilight? He's kinda creeping me out..." Glancing up at me with a worried frown.
I narrowed my eyes "Fascinating, so it can talk?" I tilted my head side ways slightly.
The pony, or I expect Twilight (still a stupid name for a stupid pony), glared at me "He is not an It. He is my number one assistant, Spike" I can practically feel the pride radiating off of him, someone has easily stroked ego.
"What an original name for your pet lizard." I yawned
This time Spike mustered his courage "I'm not a lizard, i'm a dragon!"
Now this, is getting interesting. I rush up straight to him, about 2.6cm distance between our eyes. "A dragon you say. Now that is good. Can you prove it, do you breathe fire, can you fly, does your heart contain mystical properties in an alchemy formula?"
Spike had gone into shock, so I turned to Twilight instead
"Can I dissect him?"
Twilight slaps away the hoof I was reaching towards Spike with "Ha Ha, very funny. Spike, maybe it would be best if you just wait outside."
Spike blinked four times before moving "Yeah, sure Twi, whatever you say." He slowly got down from her back and walked out the door, staring straight ahead the entire time. I don't think Twilight say the murderous intent in my eyes, but he sure did.
"Anyway...I'm Twilight Sparkle, Personal student to Princess Celestia and librarian of Ponyville" She sounded off proudly
I twitched "Did you just say...a place named Ponyville? There is an actual settlement called Ponyville?"
She took a step back "Um...yes?"
Okay deep breath.
"For the sake of my sanity, I am going to ignore that last sentence. So, who are you?" I say, very calmly
She grinned awkwardly "I'm...Twilight Sparkle, personal student to Princess Celestia and..."
"And?"
"And nothing?"
"Good" I nod relieved. "So, you are one of the fabled elements of harmony then?"
She perked back up "Oh yes, I am the element of magic. I represent the magic of two ponies becoming friends and the power of the bond between them. Are you even listening?"
I shook my head "No, I was interested when you said magic, then quickly got bored." I say matter of factly.
She frowned "You shouldn't just disregard something as beautiful and powerful as friendship"
"I can and I will"
She started to sigh, but stopped. "Oh I know how you feel, I felt the same for a while, and trust me, you wont be able to resist friendship forever" And a sinister knowing smile formed
I started singing "Wrong wrong wrong wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wronggggggg."
I do a neat little spin and jump onto the sofa relaxing. "Now, tell me more about this magic. Not friendship, genuine magic with the horn."
"I was ordered by Princess Celestia to not instruct you on magic until after you had met all my friends and only then if I judged you to be safe to learn it." She said confidently.
"How incredibly boring. Fine, lets just get it over with. Bring your first 'friend' in then" I yawned
She glared at me slightly, before turning and leaving through the door. I waited until she was gone before taking a quick look at my spider. He was still there, nestled into the dark corner, a small orange glow fading in and out. I gave it a small wave before turning to meet the first of her friends.
I can not begin to describe how much this is going to suck.
Oh my God.
The pony is wearing a cowboy hat.
Oh God why?
"Good ta meet ya Mr Stein. My name is Applejack!" She announces, with a tip of the hat of that stenson
Orange fur, blonde hair, green eyes, freckles, three apples tattoo. You get the idea.
Lets see. How can I get rid of her as quickly as possible.
"So you must be the redneck of the group?" I ask casually
Her eyes narrow and she glares at me "Beg yer pardon?" She says, voice dripping with controlled anger.
"Oh I was just saying you must be a country bumpkin with that 'Ackcent'" I say mockingly. That should be enough to get her to leave me alone
Applejack left the room and Twilight came back inside. At least I think she did. It's hard to tell when your head has literally caved into the wall.
"Stein? What happened here!?" She shouts, horrified.
As hard as it was, I managed to laugh into the wall "Oh I like her!"
"Well, Applejack doesn't seem to like you much..." Twilight says nervously
I put two hooves to the wall and try to push my head out of the hole it's made "That's exactly my point! She's so brutally honest! Only two people have had the guts to hit me before, my second boss and my first ex. Most suck up my insults and try to ignore them, or more often, run crying. But not Applejack! No! She's honest enough to make it clear she isn't putting up with my usual bullshit."
With a comical pop my head leaves the wall and I'm left with dizzy before shaking my head and focusing on Twilight's confused look.
"But what exactly happened?" She asked pointedly
"I insulted her to get rid of her and she bucked my head into the wall. Now bring in another!" I cry
Twilight looked at me as if I was insane, which was normal, and backed away slowly and out of the room. I do hope all of her friends are like that, although I doubt it. Also she's unlikely to let me talk to them alone and will insist on being in the same room.
I walk back over to the sofa and take my seat, I wonder what this next pony will be like?
Instead Twilight walks in with a very grumpy Applejack. "Now apologise Stein!" She demands
I cough "First of all it's Dr. I didn't spend five weeks learning medicine to be called Mr."
Twilight growled, which I didn't realise a pony could do "Fine, 'Dr' Stein. Say sorry to Applejack. It's not fair to be cruel just because you're bored." I sigh, she's serious about this. I suppose I probably did cross a line with Applejack.
"Very well. I am sorry for the rude comments I made towards you and I ask your forgiveness." I say through gritted teeth, On the other hand Applejack brightens up immediately and nods happily
"Glad ta hear it. I forgive you. Just don't try that again" She squints and me quickly before smiling again. So, quick to anger, quick to forgive? Or is everyone here just incredibly nice and I'm just a huge jackass? Very likely.
"Now that's out of the way. I realise that I had a few questions to ask. Do you mind?"
She shakes her head "Nah, no problem to talk about my element of friendship!"
I stare at her deadpanned "Yeah, I couldn't care less about that. I was talking about understanding ponies in general. Such as the fact I believe Celestia said something about each of the types of ponies having their own magic?"
She wanted to talk about her element. However she also looked excited to talk about her magic as well. I guess in a world like this you don't get to talk about your personal talents as much as you want.
"If you insist then Doc. Well, I'ma Earth Pony. We don't have the fancy wings or horns of other ponies, but we're special in our own way. You won't find any other race to be as strong or durable as us. We also have a special bond with plants. We are the best farmers of all, able to grow plants to be the biggest and best. This also extends to cooking, just try ma granny's apple pie!" She announces proudly
I nod and commit this all to memory. It would seem that lacking a horn and wings does not hinder them as much in society as I thought. "Any other important information about earth ponies I should know?" I ask
She thinks for a minute before shaking her head "Nuthing comes ta mind except holding things with a flat hoof, but everypony can do that"
"Thank you very much Applejack. That was, actually, very informative."
"No problem. So, you ready to hear about Honesty yet?" She asked
"Wait? Are you telling me an element of friendship is honesty? I thought it was going to be something pathetic like kindness or laughter! Honesty is a good strong virtue I sorely lack, and that is why I am not interested in friendship. I believe lying is an important part of society and should be encouraged and celebrated rather than hated"
"That's a rather cynical view of the world" Twilight said
"Doesn't make it any less true" I countered
"If you say so..." She said doubtfully
"I do. Now Applejack, it's been wonderful meeting you blah blah blah can we move this along?" I ask irritated
"Fine, maybe ah didn't want to talk to you anyway!" Applejack huffed
"Then go"
"I will"
"You're still here?"
"I'm just leaving."
"Good"
And with that she turned and stormed out, leaving me chuckling. Twilight turned to glare at me before leaving as well
While interesting. I have absolutely no interest in making 'friends'. Twilight is just going to have to learn to live with that