"...I do not understand. Tell Heavy again."
Spy facepalmed, along with the BLU Spy. Both teams had gathered in the RED Intelligence room, with the promise of a full explanation of why none of the BLUs had been shot in the head with an arrow, or had 4 missiles launched at them without any remorse. RED Spy and BLU Spy were explaining the reason that the Sniper and Engineer were gone, with BLU Engineer and RED Medic trying to figure out how BLU Spy even managed to attach the sapper to the Razorback in the first place.
"As I have explained twice, making this the third time we've explained," BLU Spy groaned, puffing his cigarette before carelessly flicking it to RED Pyro, who promptly appeared to eat it. "The Engineer activated my Dead Ringer, and as I escaped was cut down. Once I respawned, I went for revenge on the pair, before overhearing the two discussing what might happen if a sapper were attached to the Bushman's shield."
"It's called a Razorback, mate." BLU Sniper piped up from the bag, raising a hand. "You should bloody know what you're sappin', mate."
"Silence, you urine-tossing bushman. He's explaining." RED Spy shot back, before flicking his own cigarette at the BLU Sniper, and set his trousers on fire.
"Many thanks." BLU Spy replied, ignoring the sudden smell of urine filling the room. "As I was saying, I attached my sapper to the shield, and as the cowboy went to remove it, they tried to return to base, but that backfired. So, it can only be assumed that both of them are now dead. A moment of silence for our dear friends, urine-tosser and gunslinger." The room went silent, before being shattered violently.
"DOES THIS OR DOES THIS NOT MEAN THAT THE RED CAMPERS ARE GONE?" Both Soldiers yelled.
"Oui..." RED Spy groaned, facepalming. "We are down two men. So yes: the repulsive Bushman will no longer be shooting you through the face."
"Mmph-mm mm-mph?" RED Pyro asked.
"Erm...oui?"
"MM-MM!" The masked arsonist promptly stood up, went in front of BLU Pyro, and raised his hand. "Mm-mm!" BLU Pyro giggled, stood up, cracked his fingers, and slapped the RED Pyro's hand. Both did a small girly clap, before sitting down like nothing happened.
"Ugh, frickin' mumbles." RED Scout groaned, reclining in his chair.
"CAN IT, PRIVATE TWINKLE-TOES." BLU Soldier yelled suddenly. Scout, being the cocky kid he was, stood up and glared at Soldier.
"Yeah? Lotta good that hardhat's gonna do ya when I'm done!"
"Shhh. Sascha is asleep." RED Heavy cut in, raising a hand. His minigun actually was making a quite whirring noise. BLU Heavy nodded, cradling Natascha in his arms.
"Shut it, fatty." BLU Scout yelled, standing up and reaching for his Boston Basher. RED Heavy stood up.
"Very well. Let us fight: Man against tiny baby man." Heavy glared down at the teenager, who stared back up into his eyes. David versus Goliath, until David smacked Goliath in the testicles with a bat covered in nails. Heavy whimpered, and fell over.
"Yeah. Next time eat a salad." Scout laughed, before suddenly falling over. Behind him, stood the two Demomen, both with bottles raised.
"Laddie, ye cannae dominate me; I'll take ye t' the Pain Train station in Train town." RED Demoman said, before chugging his bottle and passing out on BLU Pyro's lap. Pyro clapped, before setting him on fire quite brutally. Demo didn't care: he was drunk, Pyro didn't have an excuse.
Amidst the carnage, Sniper had walked up to BLU and RED Spy, both facepalming. He stared at them, before shrugging.
"You fellas fancy a smoke?" he asked, pulling out a packet of cigarettes. Both Spies grinned.
"Oui." they said simultaneously. All three began to head upstairs, leaving the the room in utter TF2 regularity. The moment they smelled fish, they walked a bit faster, and when they heard the sound of both Pyro's flamethrowers hissing into life all three sprinted upstairs to the Spawn.
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"Piss."
Tok.
"Piss."
Tok.
"Piss."
Tok.
"Piss." Sniper repeated, before smacking his head against the bookcase again. He hadn't answered any of the...pony's questions, but Engineer had. He was being quite careful so as not to get both their weapons taken away, and he hadn't said anything about the backpacks. So even if they did take his Lugermorph, they couldn't take that Spy revolver he'd found. He may not have trained with it, but both of them were aware how a simple minigun worked. If they could lift it.
"So, you kill people and get paid?" the purple alicorn asked, sounding worried. "And they're almost completely identical copies of you? That sounds horrible."
"Nope." Engineer replied, "It gets kinda fun, y'all might guess. Ya don't even need to project yerself onto the enemy: they're pretty much you." The alicorn jotted this down with the magical powers it had on it's head, before stopping to look at Sniper. The Australian saw this and stopped smacking his head against the wall.
"Somethin' the matter?" he growled.
"So you can talk..." the unicorn murmured, writing it down. "Oh, um, yes, sorry, I was, um, wondering if you were OK?"
"No, I'm bloody not 'OK'." Sniper stabbed back, causing the alicorn and 'her' friends to recoil and take up defensive stances. "I'm in another bloody dimension, with me best friend, and I'm 'avin' to answer questions to some wanker horse. So no, I'm not bloody 'OK'." The Australian's vision was almost instantly bleared as something knocked into him at speed, and he smacked the bookshelf, sending books everywhere. Instinctively, his hunter instincts took over, and he reached for his knife. As ritual to get rid of pesky Spies, he'd grabbed a Tribalman's Shiv, which would cause severe bleeding on a hit. However, as a tradeoff, it wasn't as sharp. The thing wrapped around his chest was pried off with ease, using his left hand, and he found himself staring at the Rainbow horse. It had wings, those might fetch a lot on the market...
"Let me go!" the horse shouted, flailing it's hooves around in a fighting stance. "I'll lay you out! Nopony talks to my friends like that!" It's rant was cut off by something very, very sharp under its snout. Fearfully, the Pegasus froze, and slowly looked down.
"Now this is a knife." grinned Sniper. With little to no effort, he had held the thrashing Pegasus back with one hand, and used his other hand to tell it to piss off. "Don't. Do that. Again." he growled. The Pegasus swallowed, and nodded. Sniper let go of it quite quickly, sheathed his knife, and returned to smacking his head on the wall.
"What's his problem?" the purple alicorn asked, frowning at his method of defence.
"He's anti-social." Engineer replied. "Y'all don't wanna know why."
"Yes I do." replied the alicorn. She looked quite brave. Engineer sighed, and told Sniper to come over. "This here magic horse says she wants t' know why y'all are so damned miserable. Y'all wanna tell lil' miss brave?"
"Alright." Sniper groaned, taking a seat at the small table. All of the other little horses surrounded the table to listen, the rainbow one glaring with the Force a' thousand Natures. "It all started when..."
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Taptap. Taptap. Taptap. Taptap. Taptap.
"Snort snort, hahaha." laughed the Spycrabs, their massive numbers and terrifying method of walking rather than their loud noises and irritating tapping being the thing scaring the animals awa. The robot had been stalking his prey for hours, two unsuspecting robots in the form of a Demopan and Sniper. The pair stopped to put more dry leaves into their fuel ports, before resuming. Now was the chance for the Spycrabs to strike. All at once, the blue robots stalked out of random places, all making the same 'ohohohoho' laughing noise. Both robots seemed unfazed, clearly they should be respected due to the things they had seen prior to meeting the army of Spycrabs. All the Spies stopped, before immediately going 'ohohohoho' as a sign of respect. The Sniper and Demoman had no clue what was going on.
"Demopan?" Asked Demo.
"Yeah, OK." replied Sniper. And from that point forward, Demopan had no idea why they were being followed by Spycrabs.
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"...and that is why I believe any old sap can pull the teeth from a dead crocodile, but it takes a man to pull them from a live one." Sniper finished. Engineer was grinning and nodding. The ponies had gone pale, except the albaster unicorn, who now emitted light.
"Th...that's...aw-awful..." the purple alicorn shuddered.
"Well, you wanted to know, Shiela." Sniper nodded. "Anyway, where are me and Engi gonna be sleepin'?"
"Umm...the basement?" replied the alicorn, pointing to a door. Both humans nodded, and walked over to it.
"Thanks, miss...?" Engineer waved a hand. The alicorn smiled.
"Oh, of course, how silly, Princess Twilight Sparkle, a pleasure." Twilight stressed the word 'Princess', hoping that the pair might know about respect.
"Yeah, OK." Sniper replied bluntly. "I'm Mr. Mundy, but call me Sniper."
"I'm Dell Conagher, RED Team Engineer, but you can call me Dell or Engi." Engineer added.
"OK, now that formalities are out of the way, shall I, the Princess, lead you to your quarters?"
"Heck yeah." Dell replied. Twilight facehoofed.
These would be the longest days in Equestrian history.