Sly Cooper in: Stealing Harmony

by Loyal2Luna

The Heist: A Royal Welcome

I would like to say that I pulled off some amazing feat of graceful dexterity that dazzled and confounded the guards. Failing that, I probably would’ve tried to smooth-talk them down and convince them that I wasn’t a threat. And if I was really in a pinch, I’m fairly certain that I could at least overpower them with my superior combat skills.

I would like to say that, but the truth is, I really don’t remember specifically what happened in those first few chaotic seconds in Equestria. I can recall a sudden rush of white, the stomping of hooves, someone shouting frantically, feathers everywhere, a couple wooden cots busted apart during my pursuit, and the sound of panicked screaming. (Probably mine. I wasn’t exactly concerned with maintaining an image at the time.)

The next thing I knew, I had somehow managed to get on the other side of a set of large double doors, and had slid my cane into the handles at an angle, blocking it off.

I was panting, with cold sweat dampening the fur along the back of my neck as I tried to make sense out of what I had just experienced.

“Get this door open!” came a gruff voice from inside the room as I took a step back, just as the door buckled outward from a loud and heavy impact. Thankfully, my cane held fast, keeping the way barred in spite of the constant barrage of hooves being slammed into the wood.

As I watched this crazy scene unfold, a part of me wanted to simply burst out laughing at the sheer absurdity of the most ridiculous part.

They were talking. They were feral horses, and yet, when they opened their mouths, something that sounded eerily similar to words came out of them. I’m not gonna lie; it was seriously creeping me out.

Everyone knows ferals can’t talk; it’s unnatural. It’s just one of the many things that differentiates us ordinary, thinking, rational folks from wild animals that operate solely on instinct. It’s particularly jarring if you happen to meet a feral member of your own species; that kind of stuff really gets you thinking.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw a feral raccoon as a kid, and found myself questioning (as most kids eventually do) what it was that made us different. Then the little punk bit me, and on that day I learned a valuable life lesson: Ferals aren’t people.

So suffice it to say, I was not prepared for this kind of eventuality.

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. Back to the matter at hand.

In my life, I’ve gotten to know a few horses on both sides of the evolutionary fence. Just from listening to the pony on the other side of the door encouraging his subordinates to work harder and get it open, I was reminded of one Sergeant Clyde Dale (Don’t ask about the name. He doesn’t like to talk about it.) from mine and Carmelita’s department back in Paris.

Back on Earth.

That was when it hit me: I was on a different planet. Hell, maybe even a whole different dimension. The rules were different here, and for someone like me, this was a problem. A major problem.

Most amateurs and cops think that being a thief means your job is to break the rules, but that’s not really the truth. Breaking the rules is the method of gangsters and brutes, when the only thing that matters is getting what you want.

In order to be a master thief, you have to be careful with the rules. You have to know what you’re getting into, how your opposition moves, acts, and thinks, and work around it. You have to know the ins and outs of any given job to even have a chance at completing the heist. Knowing the rules is the first step in coming up with a solid plan of action.

The thing was, I didn’t know how this world worked. Beyond Discord’s little song and dance, I didn’t know a thing about how these ponies operated. And that only left me with one option.

I had to improvise.

I took in my surroundings, my night-sensitive eyes (Have I mentioned how much I love being a raccoon?) having adjusted to the dim lighting of the dark, starry night outside and allowing me to make out the details of a long stone corridor that looked like something right out of a Disney Castle. I’m sure that if a particular turtle was on my comm at that moment, he would have some snappy comment about who built the place or launch into a commentary on the architectural marvel.

As for me? I was just happy to see a window nearby that had a clasp on it.

The doors strained, a flash of white fur just barely visible through the cracks as the handle of my cane began to slip loose, its angle becoming too steep to hold for much longer.

The hinges on the door itself seemed to be in worse shape than the sturdy ironwood of my cane, but already, my improvised barricade was just barely staying in position; a fact that was not lost on the ponies in the barracks, as a shout of “One more!” could be heard from within.

With that last jolt, my cane slipped free of the handles and fell to the ground with an underwhelming amount of fanfare as the doors were thrown open. On the other side, five of the stallions stood flank to flank with their hind legs facing the hall, lowering their hooves after having just delivered a combined assault on the thick wood.

With surprising coordination, five more of the white ponies flew (Yeah, that’s right. Flew. Some of these guys had wings, and what’s more, they actually worked.) over their backwards-facing compatriots and immediately moved into the hallway in a manner that definitely smacked of military training.

After taking a moment to get into position, two ponies, these ones a dark grey with horns on their heads, rushed forward. Like a pair of spotlights, two beams of bright light suddenly shot forth from their horns, illuminating the dim hallway as well as any lantern.

“Clear!” one of the ponies barked; a cry that was echoed multiple times as they moved down the hall and swept their horn-lights into every crack and crevice.

“The creature couldn’t have gotten far!” The more grizzled-sounding stallion, now wearing a form-fitting suit of armor with holes for his wings, moved forward, his eyes darting about. “Sleet! Cobalt! Search the West Wing and inform the Lunar Guard of the intruder! We’re going into lockdown!”

“Sir!” Two of the winged ponies brought themselves up to attention, snapping off a salute with their forelegs (which should have been impossible, what with them being quadrupeds and all), and rushing down one direction with their wings spread wide.

“Arctic! Cyclone! East Wing!”

“Sir!” Two more copied the first duo in both voice and motion, heading down to the end of the hallway and turning into the opposite direction.

“Commander Cumulus!” one of the other ponies spoke up, getting the leader’s attention and drawing it towards the now open window, where a slight draft was blowing in and gently fluttering the drapes. “It must have gone out the window!”

“It’s trying to climb the ramparts!” another soldier, one of the grey, horned ones, concluded as he put the pieces together. “Has to be! I didn’t see any wings on it, no way it can fly.”

“I am not assuming any-bucking-thing!” The leader shook his head, pointing a hoof to the window. “Lieutenant Breeze: take the rest of the unit and search the outer walls! Alert the Lunar Guard flying patrol: Code Lockdown! The castle defenses have been breached!”

As the winged ponies moved to carry out their orders, the apparent leader, “Commander Cumulus,” caught sight of the wooden stick with a golden-metal hook on the end of it, sitting out in the open on the floor.

With a huff, the Commander leaned down, taking the cane up in his teeth and then setting it squarely under his wing, which he folded down to secure the odd object that was clearly designed to be held by a creature that was completely alien to him.

“Bronze, I want you and Tealeaf to report immediately to Princess Luna. Inform her of what’s happened,” the Commander relayed to the two walking flashlights who had just come back from canvassing the hallway.

“Yes, Commander. But... what about you?” one of the soldiers returned, unsure of himself in this unusual situation.

“I’m going to brief Princess Celestia personally. It is nearly dawn. As soon as the sun is up, she’ll undoubtedly task the Solar Guard with taking lead of the investigation.” Commander Cumulus nodded curtly before he started down the hallway at a brisk trot, leaving the remaining two soldiers to run off in the other direction.

Now, I know what you’re probably wondering... How did I know about all of this if I went out the window?

Here’s the kicker: I didn’t.

Let me tell you, holding myself quietly in place among the buttresses at the top of the wall was not the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I’m good, but I’m not a spider. Sweat was matting my fur, my shoulders were already growing sore from holding the position as my arms braced against two support struts, and I could feel my legs complaining as I kept them twisted at an awkward angle to support my weight.

Still, it had been worth it. Like any cop worth their salt, the ponies followed the line of clues. An abandoned weapon, an open window, and the assumption that I had bolted away like a panicked jackrabbit. Now they were sure to look everywhere for me, except in the place they were “sure” I had just fled from.

Seems like no matter how many times this stuff happens, even across dimensions, nobody ever thinks to look up.

Thanks to my Sly on the wall (badum-tish!) performance, I had also learned a great deal from watching their interactions.

The horned ones had flashlights on their heads and the winged ones could fly pretty fast; both good things to know. They didn’t act like cops, more like a military force, which was something I had less experience with. There was definitely a degree of discipline among them, but there was also signs of division. Lunar Guard? Solar Guard? I didn’t know the details, but it sounded like two separate agencies that might have been on the same team but didn’t necessarily get along.

For now, I filed these little facts away as something to concern myself with later. The ruse had worked, but now came the tricky part, as I quickly and quietly eased my way down from the ceiling and inaudibly landed on the floor in a crouch.

It was time to play Follow the Leader.

I hate to admit it, but Discord might’ve been right about missing the kinds of feelings I was experiencing at that moment. The fear and the thrill, the surge of adrenaline, the absolute rush of playing cat and mouse on an unsuspecting target. I won’t lie; it felt good to be back in the saddle (pun not intended).

I watched his movements as he trotted down the hall at a brisk speed, forcing me to move quickly and quietly from cover to cover while keeping a constant awareness of my surroundings. I tried to keep the slight golden sparkle that was the head of my cane, held tightly against the pony’s flank, in my sight as I darted between one lavish wall tapestry to the next.

I was sitting behind a large marble column with a pot of colorful flowers on top when I was almost noticed by another winged pony that darted around a corner and past Cumulus. This one looked nothing like the muscular white stallions from before, being of a more lithe, likely female, persuasion. Her fur and mane was colored dark cobalt with armor of a lighter blue coupled with gleaming silver, and a pair of bat-like wings was keeping her aloft. And that wasn’t even the weirdest part, as her wide, bright yellow eyes appeared to have neat little slits for the pupils, almost like a reptile’s.

That must have been one of the “Lunar Guard,” I figured, and now I found myself wondering just how many different kinds of these ponies there were.

I shook those random, niggling thoughts from my head; I had to stop thinking about that sort of thing. Idle curiosity was the enemy here, and I had a job to do.

Focus on the job. Follow the cane... Easier said than done.

Commander Cumulus knew that there was something wrong here, so he was already on high alert, and the nature of our surroundings didn’t help much. The hallways were narrow, hiding spots were spaced out more than I’d like, and on several occasions I was forced to follow the stallion up tall sets of spiraling staircases. Those regal corridors didn’t offer much in the way of cover, and I’m pretty sure that he felt my eyes on him a couple of times, as he sometimes paused and did a slight turn of the head before shrugging it off and continuing on his way.

Your average thief couldn’t have pulled of a successful tail of a trained military professional in a completely unfamiliar area after already having his presence revealed. Thankfully, Discord was right in his appreciation of my abilities: I was anything but average.

Finally, Cumulus arrived at his destination. How could I tell? Three words:

Big. Fancy. Doors.

The end of the hallway was marked by a door that looked like a monument unto itself. Heavy, solid oak, nearly two stories tall, and painted white and gold with detailed reliefs of the sun painstakingly carved into it. And under the massive wooden sun were carvings of dozens of ponies running about and frolicking happily. The drawing style reminded me of something out of a cartoon, all simple lines and bright colors, and it made me wish those were the kinds of ponies I had to deal with at the moment, and not the ones who were currently hell-bent on apprehending me.

I crouched behind a suit of plate armor (I am not making this up. An actual suit of armor like you see in rich people’s houses in old movies, except, you know, pony-shaped), and tried to make sure I remained aware of my surroundings. I didn’t want anyone sneaking up on me as I watched the Commander hesitantly bring a hoof to the door.

The door opened before he could knock, drawing back to reveal a new creature so... for lack of a better word, “radiant” that I had to blink several times as my night vision was painfully seared away.

I recognized her immediately as one of the “alicorns” from Discord’s card trick. Now, I don’t like to use the word “awe-inspiring,” but the truth was that the image he had shown me didn’t come close to representing the raw beauty of the being standing there, towering over the armored guard. With spotless white fur that glowed to the point that she seemed to light up the hallway, and a mane and tail that shifted and flowed like a living watercolor painting, the bejeweled golden yoke and tiara that fit snugly around her wings and horn seemed like completely unnecessary additions.

I’ve never been a religious person, but upon seeing this regal creature in the flesh, I no longer had any doubts as to why these ponies thought of her as their “goddess.”

The thought was given further credence as the Commander immediately kowtowed, leaning forward in a clearly submissive manner with his forelegs spread in what must have been their equivalent of a bow.

“Commander Cumulus?” the alicorn inquired, her tone wise and kind, but also puzzled. “What are you doing outside my chambers at this hour? Dawn is still some time away.”

“A thousand apologies, Your Majesty.” Cumulus stood at attention. “But an emergency has come up that could not wait until after the changing of the guard. There is an intruder in the palace.”

The way the Princess’ eyes narrowed at the word “intruder” sent a shiver down my spine.

“Changelings?” she asked, sounding grave.

Changelings? Didn’t Discord mention those guys?

“No, Princess. It is some new and malicious beast we have never seen before.”

“Malicious beast”? I think that’s a little uncalled for.

“You have my full attention, Commander. Explain.”

Cumulus obeyed, giving the winged, horned, horse-like authority figure an accounting of what happened. “As I was rousing the morning shift for the changing of the guard, the creature appeared suddenly in the center of the barracks. I thought it to be some sort of diamond dog, but smaller, and wearing a strange, foreign garb.” The soldier pony’s face soured a little as he came to the next part. “It seemed not to notice us at first, and it was boasting openly about its intentions. The mangy creature stated that it had come to claim the Elements of Harmony, and it clearly means Princess Luna and yourself harm.”

Hey! I thought, immediately looking down at my legs to make sure there was no trace of mange. I take offense to that comment!

“A hostile diamond dog could not have infiltrated the palace grounds, much less the barracks, without being detected.” Celestia sounded skeptical, but at the same time concerned. “Not with the new security measures in place since the wedding.”

Security measures? I thought, immensely curious. I don’t suppose you could go into detail? That would be very helpful.

“If the events of the wedding have taught us nothing else, Your Highness, it is that our defenses are hardly impenetrable.” Cumulus shook his head before unfolding his wing, bringing a hoof up to take hold of the cane and present it to his royal patron. “It was carrying this.”

The Princess’s horn glowed a pale, misty yellow, with a similar aura surrounding my cane.

Now, I myself am no stranger to magic, but whenever I’ve come across it, it usually tended to be the darker stuff. Whatever this so-called “goddess” was doing now just didn’t strike me as the same flavor of mojo used by mystics such as Miz Ruby or Tsao, but all the same, magic in any form tended to really up-end my plans, so I would have to be careful.

The yellow glow around my cane lifted it up from the Commander’s grasp, and she reached out one of her long, gracious forelegs to run a gilded hoof over the ironwood haft.

“...It is no diamond dog, of that, I am certain,” Celestia remarked, holding the weapon with an appraising expression. “This artifact is made of materials I am not familiar with. And its aura... It is not of this world.” Her gaze returned to Cumulus, who remained standing at attention. “Where is this creature now?”

“It left behind the stave when it fled the barracks, Your Highness.”

“It escaped?” Celestia’s tone darkened as her eyes narrowed, looking over my cane with suspicion again.

“Fled, Your Majesty,” Cumulus was quick to reinforce his point. “My entire battalion is already on the hunt for it and the Lunar Guard have been alerted to the intruder’s presence. I also sent two of my best stallions to report the situation directly to Princess Luna. It will not remain hidden for long.”

So they had an entire castle on alert for a prowler, searching every nook and cranny both inside and out. This was actually a very good thing for me. It meant that their forces were spread thin, too occupied trying to catch me rather than consolidating their forces around my real objective. If they had done that instead, it would have doomed any chance I had of getting my friends out of those cards that were safely tucked away in my shirt’s breast pocket.

The only problem facing me now was the fact that I was betting everything on a clever little strategy defined in The Thievius Raccoonus as the “Self-assurance Approach.”

Thaddius Winslow Cooper the Third’s entry in my family’s thieving handbook described it as the immediate, paranoid impulse people had when they were informed that there was a thief on the prowl for a specific, treasured item of theirs. It was a classic ploy used to capitalize on a mark’s need to prove to themselves that the item in question was still secure, which would in turn lead the cunning Cooper right to its secret hiding place.

True, it was basic, but it was the best plan I had. Trying to explore an entire castle looking for some kind of hidden treasure or vault was too dangerous while its occupants were scouring every inch looking for an intruder. And even if I was crazy enough to try it (which I wasn’t), the coming dawn would have stripped me of one of the only advantages I could claim to have at the moment: the cover of dark.

“I only have a few minutes before the Sun must rise,” Celestia remarked worriedly, shaking her head as she tucked my cane under her own wing. “Come, Commander, to the Elements Vault! There is not a moment to lose!”

Jackpot!

I smiled as the Princess broke into a sudden gallop, pulling myself down and making myself as small as I could while she ran right by my hiding spot without so much as a flicker of a glance. After all, it was a suit of armor she must have passed by every morning for who knows how long. Nothing worth examining for the briefest of moments, and certainly not worth looking behind.

Especially after I quickly vacated the space in hot pursuit of my mark.

Okay, keeping up with a “trotting” talking feral pony in the narrow confines of the castle was difficult. Keeping up with a “galloping” pair of ponies, one of which being easily twice the size of the chest-high equines that I’d seen thus far? That was a challenge.

I didn’t have the luxury of being stealthy now. At this point, it was all I could do to not lose sight of the two ponies as they moved down the hallways, both well aware of where they were going. So, what was keeping any one of the soldiers that were now searching the castle from spotting me stalking their Princess and the Commander?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A fact that I was keenly aware of as I moved to keep pace, hoping that the two ponies I was tailing would not hear my footsteps or chance a look behind them to take note of the raccoon that was following them, as plain as the day that would shortly be upon us.

I attributed it to sheer luck that I wasn’t caught as the pair moved up a set of stairs and into a regal, well-decorated corridor with a checkered marble floor and a long, red carpet rolled down the center. Along with the high walls and soaring ceilings with so many banners hanging overhead, there was a series of tall, arching windows, a hanging urn of white flowers set between each one to give the area a fragrant scent. Lining both sides of the massive room, every other window was made of stained glass, depicting in immaculate color and clarity various scenes that I assumed represented particularly noteworthy occurrences for the ponies. Unfortunately, even being the art lover that I am, I found myself instead concerned with a critical piece of information pertaining to my current plan.

There was absolutely no cover to be had. None whatsoever.

I could only watch from the threshold of the doorway, keeping crouched down as my eyes scanned the room. Both the Princess and her accompaniment had slowed to a steady walk now that they were in sight of their destination, so at least there was that.

As I laid eyes on the other end of the cavernous hall, one thing was made abundantly clear to me: these ponies sure loved their big fancy doors. This one, while not quite as large as the one with the giant sun carving on it, was a purple and magenta rectangle with six circles running down the sides, framed by a thick, wide arch that couldn’t have been made of anything other than pure gold. Not only that, but the arch itself was inlaid with a trio of sparkling gems on both sides that were each bigger than my head.

The thing practically screamed: “I am a very important door.” Hell, just the archway itself was probably worth millions, so what did that say about the things it was protecting?

After sparing a few seconds to ponder this, I then took stock of my current situation. The two ponies were almost to the end of the hall, but if I approached now, I was sure to be spotted anyway. And given what was at stake, I couldn’t risk that.

There has to be another route. There’s always another...

My eyes caught on one of the window sills nearest to the doorway, and I could make out the faint, misty outline of a blue aura snaking its way underneath the crack.

There was that good ol’ Cooper Clan sixth sense, right on cue to give me some much-needed direction. And here I was starting to think I had lost it after wearing the badge for so long.

I couldn’t help but smirk as I quickly and quietly leaped over to the sill, careful not to give away my position as I unbolted the window and slipped out into the early morning air.

The ledge on the other side was less than two inches wide, but my lifetime of training made it feel as stable as a skywalk as I edged my way across the outer wall. Below me, I got my first glimpses of the whole castle, as well as the surrounding city and countryside, splayed out before me in the dim pre-morning light. But I could admire the view later. I was too busy double checking every window as I crossed it to make sure my shadow didn’t catch the attention of the two ponies inside, and my ears twitched as I tried to make out their muffled conversation.

“I understand your concern, Your Majesty,” Cumulus started as the pair continued their walk towards the end of the corridor. “But as you can see, the door is still sealed. The Elements are safe.”

“It certainly appears that way, but I have taken the safety of the Elements for granted once before,” Celestia answered, her voice grim. “I shall not make the same mistake again.”

“I will summon the Guard and have them stationed throughout and around the tower, Princess.”

Celestia nodded her approval to the stallion before making the last few steps up to the “very important door.” Meanwhile, I ducked to the side, hiding behind the narrow strip of stone wall between the last two windows as Cumulus turned and spread his wings before taking off back down the hallway.

I heard Celestia sigh morosely, causing me to chance taking a look through the side window.

She looked... tired. Maybe even exhausted. I remember thinking to myself that she probably wasn’t much of a morning person; I could sympathize.

It lasted only a moment before she recomposed herself, leaning forward with her eyes closed as she slid her long horn into a small hole located in the center of a small sun decal on its surface. The instant she did so, a bright, neon blue shot outwards from the hole through the lines carved into the stone, as that same light cast forth from the six circles running down the sides.

I had absolutely no idea what she was doing, but it certainly looked impressive. The air was so full of energy now, I could feel a slight tingle run across my fur like a static charge, even from outside.

Realizing my window of opportunity wouldn’t last long, I reached into my thigh-pouch, immediately feeling what I needed and pulling it free: a single flat lockpick, designed for just this sort of task. Deftly, while still maintaining my balance on the quote-unquote “ledge,” I managed to slip the thin metal strip into the tiny gap where the windows closed together, nudging and dislodging the simple clasp which allowed the window to quietly open outward.

Celestia had not noticed, much to my relief, as she was completely focused on her current task. By this point, the light-show was over, both halves of the door having split down the middle and slid into the sides. I couldn’t see into the room beyond, but I didn’t need to, as a large jewel-encrusted case gently floated out past the threshold, wrapped in the same magic aura that emanated from her horn. Target acquired.

My heart was racing as I tried to think of how I was going to do this. Assuming the hole in the center of the vault door was some sort of “lock,” then picking it was out of the question, and nabbing the “key” was even more so. This was the closest I was ever going to get to my goal.

Speaking of which, just then, the case opened wide, revealing a set of five necklaces and a tiara, all of which glittered and sparkled in the light given off by the pony princess.

Had I been looking at them just a day, or even an hour earlier, my eyes would have gone wide at the treasures that lay within. Five golden necklaces and a tiara, set with precious stones of a variety of colors, cut into the shapes of, of all things, an apple, a butterfly, a balloon, a lightning bolt, a diamond, and a starburst.

Each of those gems was at least the size of the famous Hope Diamond, maybe even a few carats bigger, and there were six of them. Add to that the sheer gold-weight of the jewelry they were set in, plus the obvious masterwork of the pieces’ craftsmanship, and the trinkets in that case could very well have been worth more than any of the treasures that lay sleeping in the Cooper Vault.

It’s a real pity, then, that their beauty was thrown off by the freaking solid gold archway that lined the entrance to the place they were kept. Either the idea of “value” was terribly skewed in this universe, or those six items were significant in ways that were beyond concepts of mere physical worth. I suppose that should’ve been a clue, but I had other things on my mind at the moment.

My concentration snapped back into focus as Celestia gave a heavy sigh of relief, and the case closed shut. Any second now, she would place the Elements back in the vault and seal them inside once more.

My heart sped up as I realized that this was my chance, and I had to act now.

But before that, let’s get one thing straight: I am a master thief. For me, that means that a successful job is one where I nab something (preferably heavily guarded), leave a calling card, and am long gone before anyone even knows I was there. Unfortunately, many of my past heists have also required that I go toe to toe with some very nasty characters in order to relieve them of things that were not rightfully theirs.

Unfortunately, my every instinct told me that this occasion didn't fall into either of those categories.

In the split second before I acted, I couldn’t help but feel disgusted with myself for what I was about to do, and if it were under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Treasure is just treasure. It’s won and lost all the time.

The lives of my friends, however, were irreplaceable. So I didn’t really have any other option.

I rushed her.

Swinging around, I reached up and caught hold of the top of the window sill, using the leverage to add to my momentum as I made for a dramatic entry. Finally taking note of me, Celestia’s head twisted about, shock in her eyes as her wings flared open. This, in turn, caused my cane to fall free from where it was tucked against her body.

I can’t say that I planned for this specific reaction, but when I heard my cane hit the ground with a soft clatter, that became my first priority. I capitalized on the alicorn’s shock to dive under her legs, snatch up my family heirloom, and roll to my feet on her opposite side.

As she started to turn around, there was a split second where she was still confused by my sudden and unexpected entry. The delay in her reaction presented me with the perfect opportunity to club her.

Wait, wait, hold your horses (Okay, that one was intentional). I said that I had the opportunity, but the thought of actually going through with it was never even an option. I wanted to come out of this with as much of my morality intact as I could, and as much as I knew, Celestia had done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment.

So instead, I held off for a fraction of a second, allowing her to turn her attention back to me before swinging out with the hook of my cane.

As I expected (and hoped) she instinctively drew back, which allowed my cane to sail harmlessly past her head, missing her by a safe few inches as it continued to its intended target.

I felt the weight as the hook met its mark and overpowered whatever resistance was holding it aloft in the air, while a twist of my wrist sent it towards me where I managed to catch the gem-studded case between my free arm and chest like a professional American football player.

My first thought was on how oddly light the case of jewelry seemed. My second was the onset of a sudden feeling of guilt that I felt the need to vocalize.

“Sorry!” I managed in as apologetic a tone as one can offer when they are quite literally robbing you right in front of your face. “I need to borrow these!”

I allowed the momentum of my swing to turn me around, and dug in my heels just enough to stop myself as I faced the exit. Then I bolted, intending to use the Princess’ last few seconds of utterly stunned inactivity to put as much distance between myself and her as I could. Once I was out of danger, I could start trying to form a plan to escape the castle with my precious cargo in tow.

I’d done it. I’d gotten the goods. The hard part, at least, was over now.

Or so I’d thought, as I felt my nose, followed by the rest of my face, impact against something that felt like hard rubber, and right then I found myself remembering one of Bentley’s golden rules that I had apparently neglected.

“No job is over until the team is back in the safehouse.”

I rebounded off of the unexpected resistance and fell back onto a surface with the same consistency, and I didn’t have a chance to recover before I felt a sudden sense of vertigo. Feeling my connection with the floor vanish as I was lifted up, I managed to keep my grip on the cane and the case while I shakily got to my feet to discover what had happened.

I was trapped in a floating bubble of light, everything around me now visible through a slightly gold-colored filter. Unfortunately, the pleasant lighting didn’t do anything to dampen the sheer outrage that was clear on Celestia’s face as she glared at me, her horn alight in the same color.

Oh, right... Magic.

In case I wasn’t clear earlier, I really hate magic.

“How... dare you.” Celestia looked like she was barely holding her composure, the insult clear on her expression as she slowly walked towards my prison while I kicked the surface lightly with my foot, testing its elasticity. “How dare you!”

“Uhhh...” I hesitated before attempting to flash her a charming smile, hoping I didn’t come across as a smartass. “Would it help if I asked nicely?”

Nope, I definitely came across as a smartass, judging by the trembling of her lip, which was curled up into a disgusted sneer.

“...I’ll take that as a ‘no.’”

Celestia’s pink eyes swept over my imprisoned form, like she was trying and failing to understand what kind of threat I represented, and it occurred to me just how alien I must have looked to her. Not surprising, given how utterly strange she appeared to me.

My suspicions were confirmed as her anger faded just the tiniest bit, replaced by a wary curiosity. “What... are you?”

“Hey, I’m not a ‘what,’ I’m a ‘who,’” I responded, my mouth acting before my brain could apply an appropriate filter. “See? I can talk and everything.”

I can’t help it. I snark when I’m in dangerous situations. It’s part of my charm.

“The ability to speak does not automatically denote intelligence,” Celestia stated coldly, and she shook her head, apparently annoyed by my antics already. “In any case, it hardly matters. Whatever wicked intentions you harbor for Equestria by stealing the Elements of Harmony ends now!”

“Hey! Look, lady! I don’t have any ‘intentions’ for Equestria, wicked or otherwise.” I shook my head as I tried to explain myself. “I don’t even want to be here. I’d rather just get what I came for and go without hurting anyone else! So just let me out of this thing, and I promise this doesn’t have to get any more messy than it already is.”

For some reason, that sounded so much better in my head.

“You dare to threaten me!?” Celestia’s eyes took on an otherworldly glow as she shouted, forcing me to flatten my ears as the decibel level skyrocketed way beyond your average heavy metal rock concert. “Your actions this day are reprehensible enough, yet you persist in insulting me with idle threats of violence! I will not stand for it!”

“Oh, good. Because I’d just hate to do something you’d disapprove of,” I replied with a little more sarcasm than was probably conducive to my health. Well, I say probably, but it was more like definitely, as there was no doubt that my big mouth had just pissed off the equine demi-goddess even more.

“I WILL HEAR NO MORE OF YOUR DISRESPECT, OUTSIDER! YOU WILL ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES, OR STAND AS STONE IN THE CANTERLOT GARDENS!”

That part got my attention.

“I... don’t suppose that’s supposed to be a metaphor? Like standing in a timeout, or...”

“BE SILENT!” Her horn flashed a potent, brilliant golden that was bright enough to make me wince, causing me to bring one hand, the one still holding my cane, up to shield my eyes.

Several seconds passed, with me holding my breath in preparation for whatever nastiness Celestia had planned for me. Then a couple more seconds, and as I felt my lungs start to ache for some fresh air, I slowly breathed out and chanced opening my eyes to see what was going on.

“...Okay. That was rather anti-climatic,” I stated as I lowered my hand. Really, given the tense build-up, I was expecting more than another light-show.

The glow in Celestia’s eyes faded as she recoiled in shock, taking a step back. “But... how...?” she stammered for a moment.

Okay, so it wasn’t just an attempt to intimidate me... Judging by her reaction, whatever she’d tried to do had obviously failed to connect. It was then that I noticed the slight reddish distortion in my magic prison as the end of my cane came near the edge of the bubble.

The pony princess must have noticed it too, because she took an unsteady breath, and I could see the righteous fury in her face literally draining away, replaced by something else. Something that looked an awful lot like fear.

“Wh-who... Who are you?”

I put two and two together, and although I really didn’t know exactly what was going on, I wasn’t about to pass up what could’ve been my only chance to escape.

“My name is Sly. Sly Cooper,” I managed, probably sounding a great deal more confident than I actually felt as I flipped the cane up into a proper grip. “And I’m outta here.”

With a swift stroke, I brought the hook of my cane down in front of me, impacting the dome with a loud “clang” while keeping the jewelry case tucked under one arm.

I was expecting a chip. Hoping for a crack. What happened instead was something I hadn’t anticipated in the slightest.

There was a sudden explosion of light and sound from the point of impact, and even as I could see the sphere breaking apart where I had hit it, I could also see a lance of magical energy arcing outwards from that point... right towards Princess Celestia.

As her eyes went wide, she barely had time to utter a short gasp before the bolt connected.

I grunted as I felt the shockwave hit my chest, the rest of the bubble dissolving around me and dropping me the rest of the way to the floor.

As I recovered my wits from the event and brought myself to my feet, one look at where the equine monarch was now laying made me breathe out in a shudder.

“Oh, man... Ohhhh, man...” I managed, horrified by what I had done, even if it was inadvertently.

Celestia looked like a small bomb had been exploded at the tip of her horn, which was now blackened and slightly smoking. She was still conscious, if the pained look in her half-lidded eyes was any evidence, but I wasn’t sure she was fully aware of her surroundings as she panted for breath.

I gripped my cane tightly as I looked around the room, my heart racing.

As much as I wanted to make sure that the alicorn was alright, I knew that I was running out of time. At least she was alive, and any moment now, Cumulus would be rushing back with an army of horses that could tend to her injury.

And when they found their beloved “Princess” in this state, I got the feeling that the word “retaliation” was going to take on a whole new meaning for me. I had to get out of there.

And so, in what was quickly becoming my worst job ever, I did something that I never once thought I would do. It made me sick to my stomach... but I ran.

I ran... leaving the princess I had injured behind.

Out the window and up to the roof I went. The tower’s battlement made it too difficult to attempt scaling down the wall, so I had to hope that there was an easier way down from elsewhere on the tower. A support line or perhaps some spires that I could use to get down to the cityscape that I now saw in the faint pre-dawn light below me.

Any other time I might have taken a moment to look it over, but as it was, I was now in rush mode. Sightseeing had to wait.

The climb wasn’t difficult, even with the somewhat-awkward case still in hand, but unfortunately the ease of the ascent only gave me a moment to consider what I was doing.

Sure, Discord has said that these Princesses were suppressing this world in a tyrannical rule, but all the same, I hadn’t exactly witnessed any of that tyranny yet. The only ponies I had seen were soldiers and the Princess herself, and they only looked like they were going about their business. That made it hard to justify this job as doing the right thing, regardless what was at stake for me personally.

It’s funny... When I was younger, I always romanticized my role as a thief. I wanted to be the dashing hero that swooped in, robbed the bad guys, and swept the girl off her feet. The people I stole from were always far worse than me; the worst kind of unrepentant scum the world had to offer.

This... This felt different.

I felt dirty. Like a common thug that had simply broken into someone’s home and stolen their TV and piggy bank.

Get the necklaces and the tiara, get Carmelita and the others back, and get home, I told myself, trying to block out my doubts as I pulled myself to the top of the tower. I leapt up, twisting my body to utilize the Rioichi Cooper patented “Ninja Spire Jump” technique, catching the tip of the spire with my feet and holding in a crouched position.

Taking just a moment to look at the chest, I opened it slightly and assured myself that the cargo was still there.

Five necklaces and a tiara.

I closed the case again and looked around. I needed an exit, and fast.

There were some banners and ribbons I might have been able to use to get down to ground level, but none were attached to this particular tower. And I saw no points that I could use to jump across to the closest one.

I needed to...

“Stop, thief!”

I nearly fell from my perch as I turned, taking notice of the figure that gracefully rose from below.

She was slightly smaller than Celestia, but built in a similar manner. Her coat was a dark blue and her mane flowed and shimmered like a starry night sky. Her wings beat rhythmically as she came up to eye level with me.

I turned my head, holding the case to my chest as my cane was held loosely in the other hand.

All around me, dozens of the white-coated winged ponies in armor and the dark blue and grey ponies with bat wings rose up, completely surrounding me, but holding back, as if unsure on how to proceed.

I figured this must have been how King Kong felt at the end of the movie, except instead of biplanes, I had a talking pony goddess and her army of flying soldiers.

This was not good. In fact, this was as close to a worst case scenario as I ever got without thirty foot tall genetic monsters being involved.

The alicorn in front of me remained level, somehow easily keeping her body aloft while maintaining a mask of stoicism.

“I do not know why you are doing this, outsider,” the night-themed alicorn managed while keeping her tone level. Her accent sounded strangely upper-class and Victorian compared to Celestia’s more casual and neutral accent. Although there was clearly a hint of hostility in her voice as she stomped a hoof angrily at the air. “But it all ends here! You have nowhere left to go. Surrender the Elements peacefully and you shall be treated with dignity.”

“Well, gee... How thoughtful of you,” I answered, stalling for time as I looked around for any possible means of escape. “...But I’m afraid I’ll have to turn you down.”

There was always a way out, I knew there had to be. I couldn’t let it end like this, not when everyone was counting on me.

“I pray that you reconsider. It would be a wise decision...” the blue pony began again as I looked back to her, her expression smug. Just then, I noticed a wisp of blue gathering around her horn, and the thought of having to put up with even more magic crap seriously put a damper on my already dour outlook. “It is either that, fall to your doom, or learn how to fly.”

I looked at her face, still carrying that smug, victorious expression, and I could hear a batch of restrained snickers from the soldiers surrounding me. Then, I happened to take another look at her horn, still giving off that same bluish mist.

Wait a second...

My heart took a leap as I made an observation that I had completely missed earlier. When Celestia had used magic, her horn was glowing, not smoking.

In spite of my situation, I found myself grinning.

“I might not be able to fly...” I offered as my legs tensed, desperately hoping that I wasn’t just seeing things.

I pushed off and forward, directly at the starry-maned alicorn.

“Princess Luna!” one of the guards cried out in horror as I bore down on the princess, who reacted by bracing for an attack, yet still holding her position in the air.

Then I twisted... and pressed my weight against her body as I landed a perfectly executed Spire Jump on her horn.

“...but I can still jump!” I followed up as I pushed off, sending the pony princess down in the air as she wobbled, her wings frantically beating to correct her altitude after the unexpected shove.

It couldn’t have been more perfect. She was exactly the required distance between my spire and the next, and I had angled myself in such a way that my momentum would carry me right in the path of one of the banner wires connecting it and the ground below. All I would need was to catch the line with the hook of my cane and I could zipline all the way to safety.

Time seemed to slow down as I readied my arm to make the catch, and right in that moment, with the heady sense of victory at my impending escape close at hand, I had to wonder how in the world I could ever give this up.

“Oof!”

Yeah... maybe that had something to do with it.

Have you ever been hit really hard by something going really fast while in midair? If not, then let me share a little secret with you: it isn’t pleasant.

A winged pony soldier completely blindsided me, sending me careening wildly off-course as I struggled to hold on to my cane.

My other arm, however, didn’t have as firm a grip over the awkwardly shaped bundle I had been holding close to my chest. I could only watch helplessly as the box fell free, utterly unable to prevent what happened next.

The lid flew open, and in an instant, five necklaces and a tiara were all airborne, hanging for just a moment before they began to fall.

With barely a fraction of a second to react, I pushed against the weight of the pony that had tried to tackle me and sent him careening off to the side while I blindly cast my arm out, grasping for anything in reach.

Just as I felt my fingers close over something cool and metallic, the world cranked back up to normal speed, and the next thing I heard was a horrified cry from several voices at once.

“THE ELEMENTS!”

I was still falling, all but forgotten as the flying ponies nearest to what had happened immediately dove either for the falling jewelry or for the guard that had intercepted me.

I had to twist my body violently to get into the right position as I dropped, grateful for all of my past experiences with free-falling and precision hooking with my trusty cane as I came into reach of a banner line.

I could’ve made it before the flying pony tackled me, but now? Now it was a gamble. If I couldn’t manage to snag the line, then my story... as well as the stories of my friends... would end with my death on the stone ramparts of the castle.

...

...

...

No, I’m not trying to build suspense. It’s just that, looking back on it now, I realize how insanely lucky it was that I actually managed to hit the line.

Thankfully, the thick cable was tough enough not to break under my weight as it was caught in the hook of my cane, and I breathed an immense sigh of relief as I felt the friction running down its length. It was about now that I also realized something very troublesome about my exit strategy that I hadn’t considered before.

I had just injured, insulted, and to add further insult to injury (which was redundant enough at this point), I had blatantly stolen some incredibly valuable artifacts from two rulers of an alien world that was inhabited by creatures that were so completely alien to me that I had absolutely zero chance of hiding or blending into the crowd.

I had nowhere to go, noone to turn to for help, and not a single clue as to how I was supposed to get back into contact with Discord to turn in the...

I winced, gritting my teeth as I held up the golden necklace in my hand; my only spoils from this heist that had surely been doomed from the start.

It was a beautiful piece of jewelry, no doubt about it, with a brilliant red ruby cut into the shape of a thunderbolt nestled between a golden neckpiece with such finely wrought detail that it would make any jeweler weep at the sight of it. But it was only one sixth of what my psychotic patron wanted.

And so ended the sloppiest, most unsuccessful job of my entire career as a--

“No job is over until the team is back in the safehouse."

Bentley’s words of wisdom rang in my ears as I snapped out of my self-depreciating critique, turning to look over my shoulder.

Apparently, the winged ponies had not forgotten about me at all. I could see them silhouetted against the castle in hot pursuit of my slide to the surface. I knew they would easily follow the banner line I was on all the way down to its anchor, and from there... Well, one look at a crowd and they would see pony-pony-pony-raccoon-pony-pony.”

~One of these things just doesn’t belong here.~

Looking down below me, I took note of the streets of the city under the castle’s shadow. And there, I saw my salvation: A large cart, filled to the brim with hay.

Hoping beyond hope that it was full to brimming with actual hay and that it wasn’t just used as packing material, I timed my decent, then twisted my wrist just so, pulling the hook of the cane free and allowing me to fall at an angle for the remaining sixty or so feet into the hay-wagon.

It wasn’t exactly a soft landing, but at least I didn’t break anything. In an instant, my entire world was obscured by thick, dried out straws of the golden-green grass. But as the dry fluff of horse feed quickly fell in behind me, obscuring my impact and covering me over, I could only hope that the ponies tailing me had not seen where I had fallen.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next, but I dared not move an inch as I kept my ears perked and ready for any sign of pursuit. I could hear shouting coming from above me, the exact words muffled by my cover, but I couldn’t get a sense of how close it was.

Then, there was silence for a few seconds, before I heard the same voice call out, sounding a great deal further away than before, and I dared to hope that I had successfully avoided notice.

I was so tense, I almost jumped a foot in the air as I suddenly felt the wagon lurch forward, but I managed to keep a startled yelp from escaping past my lips. I was moving now. The now-constant back-and-forth rocking of the cart was evidence enough of this.

I didn’t notice any beasts of burden hooked up to the wagon when I was falling towards it. Wait, would ponies use other animals? Or would they just pull it themselves? Were there “feral” versions of them too?

I mulled that over for a few moments before I fell silent, realizing that this was actually a good thing.

If the wagon was being moved by its owner away from its position under the banner I was ziplining down, then there was a far better chance of escaping from the guards. Better yet, if this thing was headed outside of town, I could make a clean getaway without the chance of anyone even seeing me.

I don’t know how long I was laying in that hay pile, or even if I managed to fall asleep. For the longest time I just went over what had happened in my head again and again, my ears sometimes perking when I heard the muffled sounds of conversation around me.

The wagon just kept on moving as I tried to figure out where everything went wrong. Finally, I decided the answer to that question was: “when I accepted the damn job in the first place.”

With little else to do and nobody to talk to as my unaware chauffeur continued on his route to wherever he was going, I reached into my vest pocket and pulled out the four cards that Discord had given me.

Thankfully, they were completely undamaged in spite of all of the jostling around, even with the unexpected impact from the flying pony, but still, it pained me to see the unmoving images of my friends in the compressed paper.

After what felt like an eternity of looking at them helplessly, I found my eyes drawn to the lightning bolt ruby necklace. While I should have been glad to at least come away with something, I couldn’t help but feel like it was a symbol of my complete failure.

I had them! All of them! They were right in my hands, and then I had to go and trip over the finish line like a total fool.

I had the chance to set them all free... and I blew it.

And now I didn’t even know how I was supposed to get in touch with--

I felt a sudden jerk as the wagon came to an abrupt stop. For a few seconds, I looked around, unsure what to do or what to expect. Was this the end of the line? Should I make a break for it?

And then the hay around me suddenly lifted away in an enormous pile, exposing its furry raccoon center, and causing me to shift awkwardly when I sat up.

As I looked up at the face that was there to greet me, I didn’t know which emotion could most accurately describe what I should’ve felt.

Relief... or disgust.

“Well now, Sly my boy... You sure know how to put on a good show,” a familiar voice said, meeting my stunned silence with that mischievous fanged grin of his.