"Now now, Shining, why are you so down?"
Shining Armor sighed, resting his cheek on his hoof. He was seated in the hotel's breakroom, his maid's uniform rumpled and wrinkly. "Just... tired, Lumiere." He reached over and pulled his coffee closer, taking a sip. There were heavy bags under his eyes and it looked like he had gone 15 rounds with Snowflake (aka the 'YEAH!' Pony). "Very, very tired."
Lumiere looked at him as if he were crazy. "How can you be tired when you are in Prance! This is the city of lights and magic and body odor that makes it clear that none of us shower!"
"I'm tired because I can't actually enjoy the city!" Shining snapped. "I am too busy cleaning all these hotel rooms to pay off my wife's porn-per-view bill!"
"You are still married? I thought you got divorced."
Shining smirked. "Well, it is a funny story, you see-"
"Never mind, I decided I don't care."
Shining took another long draw from his coffee, scowling. "The point is that all this work is messing with my mind... i think the toilet cleaning chemicals are making me hallucinate!"
"And why do you think that, Shining?" Lumiere asked.
"Because you are a candlestick holder!"
The gold candlestick holder merely shrugged. "And you do not think it is possible that I could be alive? You live in a world where your sister adopted a baby dalek..."
"Point conceded," Shining muttered. "Sorry, it's just... I am cleaning all these rooms and Rarity and Chrysalis keep giving me funny looks-"
"-funny looks? What are you, gay?"
"-and Cadence is busy teaching Sweetie Belle how to use sex as a weapon..." Shining complained. "I just-"
"Shining," Rarity said, trotting into the breakroom, Chrysalis fast on her heels. "We have decided that we are just going to share you... why are you talking to that candlestick?"
"Because-" Shining turned and saw that 'Lumiere' was a completely normal and ordinary candlestick holder, with no face or anything, "-nothing." The stallion lowered his head in defeat.
"Well... we'll let you continue with that," Rarity said. "Bye lover!"
Shining, choosing to ignore the whole ‘lover’ thing, glared at the door the two had left through. “I am totally sane! Totally!”
"I believe you, Shining," the evil muffin said, fluttering around his head.
"I thought Derpy ate you."
"We came up with a better deal."
~A Day Earlier...~
"There they are!" The evil muffin said from his perch on Derpy's back, pointing at a small village in the middle of the forest clearing. "I told you they would be here!"
"Uncle Tom!" another muffin screamed.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 9: The Prance Connection
2 MONTHS, 28 DAYS, 10 HOURS, 22 MINUTES till DOOMSDAY
“So… how do we do this?” Luna asked, standing on top of the barricade she and the other thieves had built in the middle of Prance’s capital. They had managed to do it in just a day thanks to Luna’s magic and a quick stop at Barricade Depot (those ponies in the orange aprons had been a HUGE help). They had managed to quickly gets some cannons as well as a few other surprises for the military force that was marching towards them.
“What do you mean?” Sticky Hooves asked.
“How do we start up the battle?” Luna asked, practically bouncing up and down in glee. She was still dressed in her ‘thief’ outfit, though she had added a few old fashion flintlock pistols (not for shoot… pistols were used for cracking nuts and hammering nails when a hammer wasn’t available and one’s head wasn’t dense enough to complete the job).
“I do not-“
Luna began to canter along the barricade. “Do you thieves had a standard pithy statement you shout out before battle? ‘Molon labe’ was a favorite of some of the capricorn generals that use to babysit me… my brother preferred ‘So you’ve chosen death’. I used to cackle and mock but that was when I was evil and I am not anymore…” Luna got an annoyed look on her face, which one might have thought was regret…
“Oh, I see,” Sticky said happily. “Yes, we do have a tradition… we sick the National Anthem of Prance!”
“Wonderful!” Luna exclaimed. “What are the lyrics?”
“There are none… you see, we don’t… really have an anthem.”
“Huh?”
Sticky puffed his chest out. “But that doesn’t stop us from doing it anyway! Boys!” Several thieves leapt up and joined him on top of the barricade.
Sticky and the Thieves
Prance doesn’t have an anthem
We thought we had one
But we don’t!
We paid some minotaur to write it
but then he was hit by a bus
The tune is all that we have
So we just make up words that fit
We never have won a battle
So we have no victories to sing
Oh Prance… we’re going to die!
Oh Prance… we’re going to die!
Luna frowned once the thieves were done singing. “Well… that was depressing beyond measure.”
“Thank you!” Sticky said. “Now then, we can drink some wine and eat some stinky cheese before-“ A bugle call filled the air. “Never mind, the soldiers are here. Every pony, have you decided on how you want your body found?”
“I want to be found draped over the barricade with half my jaw missing!” a little colt thief said happily.
“And if you believe in yourself that will happen!” Sticky said in glee.
“… what… the... (censored),” Luna snapped. When the thieves looked at her in confusion the princess sighed. “Thank my Mother you have a nice butt.”
“Huh?” Sticky said.
“Nevermind.” Luna gestured at the street below them. “You and your thieves should not be expecting to die.”
“But we will… Prance always loses. It is even in our anthem!” The thief’s eyes lit up. “Want to hear it again?”
“NO!” Luna said in horror. “Ok… ok… I am going to say this in small, easy to understand words, so try and follow me: if you are facing an army of Prance soldiers… who also never win… that means one of you HAS to win.”
“…oh!” Sticky said, nodding his head quickly. “Of course! How silly of me!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia and Blowhard stopped in front of the soldiers, inspecting the ranks. Each one was in a fresh, pressed uniform, their faces hard and their eyes steely. They stood shoulder to shoulder, legs stiff and heads held high and proud.
“Very nice, Neapolitan, very nice,” Celestia said. “You have done well to create your army.”
“Thank you my lady,” General Blowhard declared. “I have worked hard to teach them how to march properly and present a united front to all that see them.”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, that is very good. It is nice to see your soldiers are well trained. That will help in the battle to come.”
“Indeed,” Blowhard said happily. “Stallions! How do we take care of rebels?”
“Tickle them!” the stern soldiers declared.
Celestia stared at them before shutting her eyes. “You didn’t teach them to fight, did you?”
“Of course I did!” Blowhard exclaimed. “I taught them to fight in all manner of ways… tickle fights, slap wars, skipping-“
Celestia waved him off, marching towards the barricade. “This will be disappointing.”
“Soldiers of Prance!” Luna called out from the barricade. “Surrender now or I will destroy you!”
“Check that,” Celestia said with a slight smirk. “This is going to be very fun!” She took several steps forward and looked up at her sister. “Luna, what are you doing up there?”
“I am helping these dirty criminals win their freedom from this oppressive regime!” Luna declared. “And what of you?”
“I am helping this oppressive regime rid the streets of those dirty criminals!”
“Uh, we are standing right here,” Sticky Hooves called out, only to get shushed.
"So, why exactly are you siding with the criminals that are robbing this proud country blind?" Celestia asked, horn glowing as she pulled out her sword and began to polish it (it isn't nearly as dirty as it sounds).
"I am siding with them because they are attempting to bring equality to this land of imbalance. Your commander friend is oppressing these ponies, telling them what they can and can't do and trying to remove their way of life!"
"They... are... thieves," Celestia said slowly.
"Thieves who rob from the rich and give to the poor." Luna turned towards Sticky Hooves. "You do that, right?"
"Well, if you think that we are poor then yes, yes we do!" Sticky said proudly.
"They are very noble!" Luna declared. "Unlike your General Blowhard! He is only concerned with his own visions and does not bother to communicate with his subjects!"
"He communicates!" Celestia shot back. "He sends out notes with the tax collectors apologizing for taking all their money!"
"What's going on?" Rarity asked, her and Chrysalis trotting up to Cadence. The pink mare was lying on a chaste lounge (they have those instead of park benches in Prance... also, they have orgies instead of parks), being fed grapes by a muscular stallion as she watched the two princesses bicker.
"I think they are going to fight," Cadence said.
"I thought we had a truce," Sweetie Belle said, lying on her own little chaste lounge while a colt fed her gummy bears.
"No, you just said that when you saw this all going down. Saying things doesn't make them happen... I can't just wish for Shining to decide to get into roleplay-"
"I can't believe you spilled all the Windex!" Shining shouted at the Evil Muffin, "Now I have to buy more and... what the?". He was still in his maid's uniform and was in a foul mood.
"...huh," Cadence said. "Apparently I am a witch."
"Do you weight as much as a duck?" Sweetie asked.
Before any of them could say a word, Luna's voice rang out loud and clear. "Oh yeah? Well your mama's so ugly they press her face into dough to make gorilla cookies!"
"We have the same mother!" Celestia reminded her sister. "And your mama's so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck!"
Luna huffed. "I believe it is time the two of us settled just who is right and who is wrong!" Luna flew down, using her magic to drag the thieves with her (which kinda defeated the whole purpose of a barricade). "Let us see who the true goddess of war is!"
The armies shuffled uneasily.
"What are they waiting for?" Rarity whispered.
"A spark," Shining said softly. "A spark to drive them into a frenzy. As long as no pony says anything-"
"JERRY LEWIS SUCKS!" the evil muffin shouted.
Both groups shouted in rage, assuming the other had said that.
"Attack!" Celestia roared, the royal army charging at the thieves.
"AAAAAA!" Luna screamed, racing at her sister.
"Stop it!" Sticky shouted, slapping Blowhard weakling. "Stop it you brute!"
"You stop first!" Blowhard whined, using his tail to tickle Sticky's side.
"This is just pathetic," Chrysalis stated. "I should have invaded this country first."
"Why didn't you?" Rarity asked.
"Because I hate frogs legs."
"I can make the battle better!" Cadence squealed, using her horn to rip off the roof of a pillow factory. She rained the fluffy pillows upon the two armies, the fighters quickly grabbing the new weapons and striking each other. "Yeah, that's it... that's it you dirty sluts!" Cadence screamed. "Hit harder! Harder! Now kiss each other!"
"Your powers are weak, old girl!" Luna taunted, her glowing horn clashing with Celestia's. "When we last met I was but the learner, now I am the... non-learner... pony... thing!"
"I'd say if you struck me down I would become more powerful but you are too pathetic to ever get in a blow!" Celestia snapped. The two sisters growled, pressing their horns against each other-
BOOM!
Both armies, the princesses, Chrysalis, Rarity, Shining, Sweetie and Cadence all blinked in surprise at the object that had fallen from the sky.
"Well, well, well," Tydal said coolly, brushing the dust from his tail. "What do we have here?"
'Fountain to my right... they will expect that, so we need to go a different route. Old pipes running under the street, feeding water to nearby homes. First, shatter pipes and direct spray at thieves to my right. Next, slam hooves down to compromise road's stability, removing soldiers from equation. Rush princesses... dodge solar blast. Strike right flank... then knock Luna off her feet. Latch onto Celestia's horn... drive it into ground. Spin to avoid shadow magic shot. Strike other flank. Catch by ears and finish with dual water blast at rising leaders. In conclusion: both armies defeated, Celestia and Luna neutralized... status as the one TRUE god of war... secured.'
Tydal thought of all this in the blink of an eye. His horns glowed and Luna and Celestia turned, bracing for a blast of water from the nearby fountain. But instead of getting a face full of water, they instead let out twin yelps when Tydal called on the water following under their hooves. The thieves cried out as they were hit, the blast knocking them out cold as they hit their barricade.
"One," Tydal muttered as he slammed his hooves onto the road. The asphalt cracked and crumbed as the now shattered pipes gave in, sending Blowhard and his soldiers tumbling into a sinkhole. "Two." Tydal didn't even bother to watch this happen; he used the strike as a launch point, leaping at Celestia. The solar princess, reacting on instinct, firing a blast of magic at him, only for the capricorn to twist out of the way at the last second and land beside her. His left leg struck out and Celestia cried when he spanked her across the flank.
"Wait-" Luna called out, but Tydal had already dropped and used his tail to sweep her leg like she was Daniel-San. Tydal darted up and grabbed Celestia's horn, forcing the magical bone into the ground, causing the white mare to thrash as she tried to free herself. "Tydal, we were only-" Tydal turned and Luna, startling her. Luna gasped and fired off her own blast of magic, which Tydal dodged as he struck her on the flank, spanking her.
Celestia, finally pulling her horn free, looked at him in surprise as his horns glowed. The sisters squealed like foals as their brother used his magic to grab their ears and twist them slightly, making them buck and tremble as they tried to free themselves, falling to their knees. Tydal's eyes flashed and the fountain shot off two water blasts that knocked Blowhard and Sticky off their hooves.
"Well, that was anticlimactic," Shining said.
"I was waiting for Scootaloo to show up with her eagles," Cadence stated.
"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT FIGHTING?!?" Tydal roared, the alicorn sisters whimpering as he freed them from his hold.
"Not... not to fight against one another," Luna said dutifully. "But we were just playin'!"
"It didn't look like playing," Tydal growled, casting an annoyed look at the two. "Explain to me why I suddenly had to race back here when I felt you two trading blows... something I have taught you two to NEVER do." The goddesses, as powerful and mature as they were, stuck out their lower lips and sucked back tears at the sight of their brother/adopted father's angry face. "Now then, we are going to go in that cafe and we are going to discuss what you two were bickering about and how you should have PROPERLY handled it."
"Can... can we get ice cream?" Luna asked, sniffing back tears. When Tydal raised an eyebrow at that Luna did her best to look pitiful. "We are really sorry and you always give treats if we are sorry!"
"Pwease?" Celestia whimpered, doing her best foal impression.
Tydal rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "If you PROMISE to behave... fine."
"Yay!" the two mares exclaimed, their tears and bickering forgotten as they happily cantered towards the cafe.
The capricorn king turned back towards the rest of his group. "I suppose you want ice cream too?"
"With butterscotch!" Chrysalis said happily.
“And whipped cream!” the evil muffin squealed. “EVIL whipped cream!”