//------------------------------// // 3. I am not a racist! // Story: True Capitalist Ponies: The Melting Pot of Magic // by Generaal //------------------------------// Despite the shock upon the discovery that NavyHusky had become a Husky himself, everything calmed down after a few seconds. Ghost was warned by that. Why is everyone so okay with this crap? he thought. This is ridiculous. Why don’t I hear someone protesting and screaming because they are talking horses now? Why is everyone so… okay with it? This is just sick… sick as being a midget or some sorts. That reminded him of something; he had totally adjusted to walking on four legs. That was rather quick for someone who had been walking on two his whole life. Was it that spell that caused all this? They said something about a spell that would help them adjust to their new lives… would it also cause mental changes? If so, Ghost knew he was doomed to a life full of cupcakes and fruitiness and talking horses. He would see his ex-wife and his son never again. Hell, he wouldn’t even see his own body anymore, and the fifteen-and-a-half inch sausage between his legs. That thought made him want to puke. Not only because of himself, but NavyHusky, that idiotic troll who always made those stupid splices about him seemed to be really happy being a dog. Was he a furry earlier on or something? He was fruity enough for something like that. Or maybe it was because of his fruity-ass voice. Ghost didn’t care. At least NavyHuskie got what he deserved for making all those splices about him. Those really pissed him off, and now NavyHuskie paid for it. Without Ghost noticing, another guy has joined the group. He, of course, introduced himself. Upon realization who it was, Ghost wanted to puke. It was Mr. King of furries, Elfoxoloco. He had become an Earth Pony, just like Ghost. He had a nice chat with DarkRazorz while Suspicious had turned to Asho, leaving him and Karasz Kun out of whatever they were talking about. Asho talked about something like ponies would have bean and cheese while DarkRazorz – of course – showed off his wings. Then, he heard Elfoxoloco talk about how much he wanted to visit Ponyville, and then move towards the countryside, and set up a farm. Well, if he really wanted too, by all means! This way, Ghost would never have to see that furry bastard ever again! But he didn’t want a conversation with them anyway, so he left. There was something he needed to do; go and check up on the Engineer. The Engineer must have woken up by now. Ghost walked through the hallway where Suspicious came through earlier. It was another infirmary, where a few beds were set up. He saw nurse Redheart talk with a unicorn. The unicorn had a yellow coat and black mane. “Now, try it again mister. Maybe you need to adjust to the new location of your vocal chords” Redheart said. “aah-neigh-a-a-a!” the unicorn said. Ghost immediately had to facepalm. It was obviously clear that those stupid ponies couldn’t realize that the Engineer spoke differently, despite being turned into a talking horse. Can you believe this crap? “Let me handle this,” Ghost said. He pushed Redheart away and sat down by the Engineer. “Engineer, listen, it’s me. Ghost. Your buddy.” The Engineer was happy to see a not-so friendly face. “naa-aaah-aaa-neigh!” “I know, Engineer, I know. Now, what did those fruity bastards did to you? Did they give you estrogen or something?” “da-aa-aaa-neigh!” “Wait a second,” Redheart said, “You understand him? How?” “I’m his boss for years now,” Ghost said, “I understand the Engineer when I want too.” “nah-aah-a-aa!” the Engineer said. “Yeah, I know, I fired you. But that was just before we were being kidnapped by talking horses, so consider me as being your boss again.” “You fired him?” Redheart asked. “If I may ask, why did you do that?” “Those over feminized fruit balls I used to call my dear fans and listeners of my broadcast kept fruiting up the place. I got sick of it. And so I quit the show and fired the Engineer over here. But just before I could, you know, pack my things and go to Sixth street, your so-beloved Princess Selery showed up and took us.” “Celestia.” Redheart corrected him. “What?” “You need to pronounce it as ‘Ce-les-ti-a’” “Yeah, well, shove it up your pony-ass pooper.” Redheart facehoofed. “Is this seriously how your kind behaves? Why would you? The dossier told us that Bronies were totally not. Like. This!” “I am not a Brony!” Ghost protested. “I’m a capitalist! Where did you get that crap from?!” Redheart was surprised at the sudden reaction Ghost gave him. “All right,” she said. “Now, if you two excuse me, I need to talk to the doctor.” Ghost saw as the nurse walked away. Too much estrogen pumped in their ass.. stupid talking horse. Should be used for horsemeat! Ghost thought. Ghost then turned to see the Engineer, who now stood up from bed. “naa-aaah-aa-neeeighhh…” Great. Even his talking has turned all fruity and horsey. “Yeah, Engineer. It’s great, isn’t it?” Ghost said. He noticed his cutie mark – a black symbol resembling a switchboard. Of course. A switchboard. That’s just great, isn’t it? “se-aaah-aaaah-sa-saa-ah-ah-neigh” “You don’t say…” Ghost said. He was disturbed at how Engineer was so obvious. Yeah, Captain Obvious Engineer. That would be a good name for him. He, of course, wouldn’t tell it to those fruit balls in the other room. The only result would be that the Engineer would be made fun of. That is the kind of crap he had to deal with every day, and now it seemed like it would be every single minute. That is just wonderful, isn’t it? “nje-aa-nee-neigh!” “Of course you would be,” Ghost said. Now that’s great, Ghost thought. Now all of a sudden he is hungry and he has to go to the bathroom. That reminded him of something. How do these talking horses actually go to the bathroom? “Well, come with me. I’ll find you a bathroom.” Ghost said. As much as he didn’t want to, he also didn’t want the engineer to be peeing all over the floor here and embarrass him and Ghost in front of the entire capitalist army – or, fruity pony army. And thus, Ghost and the Engineer walked down through the hallway. The bathroom wasn’t that hard to find – the ponies were smart enough to put some signs on the wall to point where it was. And fortunately, they had the dignity to create separated bathrooms – one for the ‘colts’ and one for the ‘mares’. Of course they would name it like that, Ghost thought. It is not like they would put ‘men’ and ‘women’ on them. When Ghost tried to open the door, he noticed that he somehow was able to use the doorknob. Like his hoof had become some kind of magnet. Weird, Ghost thought. But that was of later issue, now the Engineer had to go to the bathroom. But no matter what he did, it didn’t open. “I’m using it!” the voice inside said. “Well, make it quick!” Ghost yelled at him. Now we got stupid ponies out here on the bathroom with a British accent. That’s just great. British ponies. Well, I’m still not forgiving them for the independence war. Stupid sons of bitches. “Ghost?!” a surprised voice inside said. “Is that you!?” “Yeah, it’s me. So what?” “I’d recognize you anywhere!” “and who are you supposed to be, then?” Ghost asked. “I’m Tzeki!” “WHAT?!” Ghost yelled. O no, this isn’t happening. Another friend of mine? What is going on with this crap? But wait… if this Brony is out here… Ghost realized, then Goofybone IS HERE SOMEWHERE TOO!!!! Ghost turned around in disgust. So now we got Goofybone and Tzeki?! GOOFYBONE AND TZEKI?! This is going to be all like a big ruckus between these two! What is going on with this crap? First I find out that I’m somehow a talking horse, and now I’m here in Bronyland, and Asho and Suspicious Tumbleweed are here, and Tub Guy is somewhere, and we have Karasz Kun, we have DarkRazorz and Elfoxoloco, and that black brother-from-another-mother idiot called Equestrian fapper or some sort, and now Tzeki… Without second thought, Ghost pulled the mares’ room open and puked the contents of his stomach right into the hole in the ground. There was a stench coming from it, but Ghost didn’t care. I need a beer. “He, Ghost, are you all right?” Tzeki asked. When Ghost turned around, he saw Tzeki standing there. “No! just leave me alone!” Ghost yelled at him. “Have it your way, Ghost.” Tzeki said with a smirk. Ghost heard him walk away, his hooves touching the ground. clop, clop, clop I will never get used to that sound… “MR. CONQUEST!” Here we have Mrs. Fruity-and-bitchy again… “If I may ask you, Mr. Conquest,” Redheart said. “I really don’t know what is wrong with you, but do you understand the difference between the colts’ room and the mares’ room, or are you humans so primitive?” “I needed to puke… and the other one was occupied,” Ghost explained. “Why do I even need to explain this to a talking horse? It’s disgusting, man…” Redheart sighed. “Mr. Conquest, I really don’t have any clue what is wrong with you. But I have asked your companions about it, and they refer to it as ‘hambone syndrome’. Is that true, and if so, can you give me an explanation for it?” Ghost quickly turned around, startling Redheart. “WHO SAID THAT? THAT’S A LIE AND THEY KNOW IT!” “Mr. Conquest, please, behave yourself. What does it matter if you have hambone-syndrome? If you are ashamed by it, then please realize that your friends of course have the intentions for your well-being…” “I do not have hambone-syndrome!” Ghost protested. “ it doesn’t even exist! They just made that up!” “All right, all right,” Redheart said. “if you don’t have hambone syndrome, you don’t have it. but if you do, you must realize that you can’t run away from it forever. You are showing the symptoms your friends described to me.” “I need a beer….” Ghost mumbled. “The need for alcohol was one of them, and the possibility of becoming an alcoholic. Now, Mr. Conquest. Please do realize that we have enough medical and magical care to help you overcome that. you know that, right?” “So now my love for Texan beverages and me endorsing capitalism are now signs for a handicap that doesn’t even exist?” “Mr. Conquest, please. Listen. If need be, we can help you. ” Redheart explained. “You can help me by shoving that crap up your - ” All of a sudden, the doctor walked in. Great. Now we get another giant turkey-talk. “My apologies, Mr. Conquest,” the doctor said. “But the captain has arrived and he is expecting you and your friends in the inner court.” Finally. Some explanations. “So… what, we now get into the military?” Ghost asked. I will never join any military other than that of the United States. “No, Mr. Conquest. This is merely a military facility. Under the circumstances, we found it a better idea for our patients to be here, should they need the… proper medical attention.” “Well, whatever,” Ghost said. “So I better find this captain-guy.” “His name is Shining Armor. Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Canterlot Guard,” the doctor explained. Ghost wanted to walk away, but the doctor stopped him. “Mr. Conquest! Before you leave…” “Yeah?” “Please know that while in your world it isn’t possible, out here it is perfectly possible to cure mental diseases. If you want a treatment to help you get rid of hambone-syndrome, we can help you.” “Hambone-syndrome doesn’t even exist.” “It is your own choice, Mr. Conquest. But please, be aware of all your options, including curing. In any case…” she walked down to a table and picked up the form. O, come on… come on!!!! “I still need you to sign these papers, Mr. Conquest.” Ghost rolled his eyes. “Seriously?” “Yes, seriously.” Ghost facehoofed and then looked her straight in the eyes. “Let’s get this over with.” There was a quill and a jar of ink on the table. Ghost picked the quill up. Some milky-licker has had this in his mouth! Ghost tried to ignore it, but he was clearly showing it. Then, he dipped the tip of the quill in the ink jar. It took him some time, but he managed to make a few scratches on the piece of paper that Redheart held up for him. He could see she was enjoying his clumsiness. “Awe we dwone hewe?” Ghost said with a muffled voice. “Of course, Mr. Conquest.” Redheart said with a smirk. The doctor grinned as well. Look at them! They’re laughing! They’re laughing! Ghost thought. Ghost ignored the idiot and walked down the hallway to the inner place. While getting there, he heard the two ponies talk about a ‘proper treatment for hambone-syndrome’. Whoever did that, I hope he gets cancer of the cock… whoever did that I hope he gets cancer of the…. STUPID TROLLING MORONS!!! In a daze of hatred and anger, he stamped harder with his hooves. Someone looked at him because of it, but he didn’t notice that. Once he came outside, Ghost noticed how… blue the sky was. Great. Even the world itself Is cartoony. Can you believe this crap? I’m getting infested with all kinds of trans testicles over here… The others – Asho, Karasz Kun, the Engineer, Suspicious Tumbleweed, Tzeki, Elfoxoloco and DarkRazorz – were already congregating there. The only ones missing were Equestrian Citizen and his daughter. He also saw NavyHuskie, who seemed to be fond of Asho and was wildly playing around him and wagging his tail. How does that idiot even like this crap? Ghost also noticed a new one. This must be that ‘Shining Armor’ they were talking about, Ghost thought. That fruity bastard even has a stupid strap of armor on. Well, now he’s living up to his name. Not that he probably can do more than that… stupid talking horses… The strange stallion, although it seemed he came from higher-up, didn’t seem to be too serious. He had a friendly look on his face, which disgusted Ghost even more. Maybe it was also his blue mane that disgusted him, but Ghost wasn’t sure about that. “Good morning, everypony,” he heard the pony say. Instantly, DarkRazorz, Asho and Elfoxoloco stood firm and saluted. NavyHuskie of course didn’t, but he stopped playing and was now standing right beside Asho. There was a serious look from his face. “At ease, colts. Skip the formalities.” He said. “I am just here to tell you what is going on and what the plan is.” Plan? “First I would like to welcome you on behalf of the princesses and the people of Equestria. You are part of the Brony integration project.” Brony- what now? “This project will allow you and all of your friends to start a new life here, in Equestria. You will all get a green card, but after some time you will get your own passport based on the results you make during your integration…” Ghost couldn’t stand it any longer and intervened. “Hold on a second! Wowowowowowo, did you just say ‘Brony integration project’? Are we all Bronies to you or something?” Shining Armor looked puzzled at him. “Well, yes, of course. If you weren’t, then the spell couldn’t possibly transport you to Equestria, so - ” “Well, yeah, shove it up your pony ass! I’m not a Brony!” Ghost could hear Asho laughing in the background, but he didn’t care about what that bean-and-cheese Justin Bieber Mexican kid found so funny. “Well, mister, that must be impossible… the spell only allows us to carry Bronies back to Equestria.” “And where did you get the stupid idea then that I might be a Brony?!” Ghost shouted. Now the others started laughing as well, save for Karasz Kun and the Engineer. Look at them! They’re laughing! They’re laughing! “Come on, guys. Don’t do this. This is not cool,” Karasz Kun said. “A bit of sympathy is not useless right now.” “Says our beloved Ghost fanatic. The only friend he ever had…” Tzeki said. Ghost once again intervened. “Hey! Leave Karasz Kun alone! I’m warning you, I’m warning all of you, leave. Karasz Kun. Alone!!!” “That’s enough!” Shining Armor shouted. “The group in Ponyville and the group in Fillydelphia are not even like you people! What is wrong with you? I thought you Bronies were all about love and tolerance!” There are even more groups? “Now, I’m going to pretend this didn’t happen,” Shining Armor said. “I am here to inform you that you all will get new homes. You can also enlist in the army if you want to. I’ve heard from Fillydelphia that a lot want to become Royal Guards. Princess Celestia has approved of this, so they are now enlisted. Is there anyone from you who wants to?” DarkRazorz stepped forward. “I do.” Shining Armor nodded. “Good. After we’re done here, you can come with me. I’ll take you to the recruitment center.” An entire army for talking horses… what a waste… they lost every battle anyway, including the Changelings a few weeks ago. Shining Armor then turned to the others. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have ordered that you are all allowed to choose a place to stay by your own choosing. If you want to, you may also start a life there. Here in Equestria, houses and jobs will be provided if necessary. ” They are a monarchy and they are communists?! Kill me. Then, everything became too much for the poor radio host to handle. All he wanted was some respect, because he deserved it, according his title. And then everything around him faded black.