Throughout your entire life, you've experienced a limited range of emotions. Only a few times have you experienced such rare emotions that were alien to you, such as joy and pleasure: every occasion of such being short-lived. Fear, however, was not one of them. All your previous forms of fear were merely anxiety attacks. It was the unknown possibility of a threat that sent you into your state of survival. The unknown possibility of having the same nightmare every night would make you anxious. The unknown possibility that somepony may have known your past caused you to become antisocial. Even your supposed phobias were merely a delusion of anxiety. It was never fear that separated you from every other pony.
How have you come to the conclusion that you've truly never experienced fear? What has separated every other moment, in which your heart raced to absurd levels and your every thought became your next move, from this moment?
Rainbow Dash, reading your case file.
You were paralyzed with fear, unable to move in the slightest. Your eyes were still locked onto her face, and she seemed to be frozen was well. You could clearly see that she was attempting to speak. However, she could not bring herself to do so, leaving her mouth agape. And you understood why. Her supposed greatest friend from her childhood was a monster. A mentally-destroyed, memory-fragmented pony, with a dark, unknown past; with no future.
Your mind was blank; not even being able to bring a simple thought into your mind, being lost in a trance. The only thing you could sense was the constant ice-cold feeling running down your spine, despite having just taken a warm shower. You could feel the smallest of hairs from your coat protrude outwards, as your blood was quickly pumped throughout your body, quickening your breath. The same conditions from your previous situations were all present, only amplified. This had easily become your living nightmare.
You suddenly gained control of your consciousness when Rainbow Dash let herself back onto the floor, leaving your case file on top of the counter she previously leaned on. Her facial expression had changed into one riddled with sadness and confusion.
"I-is that why you lied about yourself?" she asked, her voice almost as humble as the yellow pegasus' voice. If it weren't for the crippling fear within you, your anger would have taken over and you would have been more than willing to share your thoughts to Rainbow Dash, about how she invaded your privacy, and how you should kill her for that. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
I need to get out! The door! No, I can't run past her! I'd never make it! She would stop me before I even reached the handle.
She slowly began to approach you, shortening the distance between you, and began to speak again.
"Is that why you always ran away?"
Her second question quickly retrieved memories from the hospital; memories that were previously locked away. Your years of torture and stress were becoming conscious once again.
The questions. The fucking questions! I can't stand it! I have to leave, now!
You frantically looked around, trying to find any other means of escape, finally resting your eyes upon a slightly ajar window, sitting right behind you. Only a sliver of the window was visibly open, and you weren't sure if it would give way if you were to attempt to fly through it, however, you didn't have much of a choice. It was either stay here, and be questioned by the enlightened Rainbow Dash, or flee like a coward.
I can make it! I'll jump through the window, and fly as fast as I physically can, into the night and escape. She'll try to follow me, I've no doubt of that. She'll eventually find me too, I know she will. But I just can't stand being in here for another minute!
"Is that w-why you said you didn't remember me?"
You've had enough. Her questions were pushing you back into your memories of the hospital; of all the questions they asked, years and years of torturous surveys. Rainbow Dash was right in front of you, pleading for an answer to her questions. You slowly retreated backwards, inching yourself closer to the window, feeling the breeze that entered the room. A breeze you associated with freedom. Your tail abruptly hit the wall, indicating you that you had nowhere else to run. You had to make a decision now: try to escape or stay.
If I fail, I'm only going to irritate her, and that won't do anything to help me. But if I do escape... I'm not sure what will happen, but I can guarantee whatever lies ahead will be easier to cope with than this.
After finally coming to a decision, you wasted no time in performing your escape. As swiftly as you could, you spun on your hooves, now facing the window, and leaped forelegs first. Your hooves came in contact with the window pane, you felt them push forward with ease signaling that the window gave way, allowing your escape. It was night outside and nearly pitch-black; the only light came from Luna's moon which was partially obstructed by wandering clouds. The second you began to enter free-fall, you opened your wings, spun yourself into the appropriate position, and flew directly under the cloud supporting Rainbow Dash's home. And you flew as fast as you could, physically pushing yourself to your limit, hoping that Rainbow Dash was not in pursuit after you. Eventually, after exhausting yourself, you drastically slowed your pace of flying and listened. Everything was silent except for the panting of your breath and the flapping of your wings. And that was what you had hoped for. You didn't hear the shouts or screams and, especially, the questions from any other pony. However, you weren't out of the storm quite yet. Still well above the ground, you noticed that the night had been particularly cloudy, and you decided that hiding on the ground would prove to be more beneficial, as the clouds would hopefully shield you from anypony searching for you. Looking back, you realized that you could have just dove through the floor, considering that the building was composed of clouds. But, you weren't in the mindset to have done so.
Not wasting any precious time, you quickly dove through the clouds, leaving a gaping hole in their arrangement. As you came closer to the ground, you saw the grassy hills, leaving you to conclude that the town was far away just as you had wanted. Now hovering, you lowered yourself to the ground, taking note of your surroundings. The area felt familiar, but you couldn't be sure. You could thank your amnesia for that. Eventually, you came across one of the lone trees on the hill, and rested beneath it; half-settling and half-hiding. You were both physically and mentally exhausted, both from the flight and from Rainbow Dash. However, your exhaustion had become routine by now. As you laid on the soft grass, you crossed your forelegs and slightly winced, having forgotten about your injured hoof. In retrospect, the bandages had helped to serve as a reminder, making you slightly regret having removed them. You uncrossed your hooves and simply laid them out before you. You began to gather your thoughts, not having had time since you escaped Rainbow Dash's home.
She knows for sure now. There's no denying that. The look on her face, pure terror and repugnance. And her questions. The questions...
Since you left the hospital, you had never been interrogated about your past or your condition. You had been asked questions, but they pertained to their respective situation. However, Rainbow Dash's questions had not.
"Is that why you lied about yourself?"
"Is that why you always run away?"
"Is that why you said you didn't remember me?"
Her questions were enough to cause you to relapse in one of your few, retained memories: when you had first met Sigmund.
I was still at my home... And there was a crowd of ponies gathering around... Investigators, police, and a groups of others as well...
You closed your eyes, immersing yourself in the memory; bringing yourself back into it. You were lying in a pool of blood for Celestia knows how long, the smell of the fluid burning in your nose. The blood had dried onto your coat causing it to clot, and you were constantly crying out for your parents.
"M-mommy, please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
Your stream of tears had caused your muzzle to dampen, and your sobs forced you to breathe in more of the pungent odor, almost being able to taste it. The wind flowed through the room, and the broken door creaked with every push of the wind. And it went on for hours. Your sobs, the smell, the creak, and the wind flowing were all imprinted in the memory, and they would never leave. Eventually, you heard the slow-paced noise of someone's hoof making contact with the floor, but it didn't distract you. You simply kept crying, because that's all you could do. You were old enough to know what death was, but still too young to be able to cope with it. Your eyes had eventually became incredibly bloodshot, the color nearly the same hue as the blood. You could hear somepony behind you scream. A, previously, familiar voice.
"Oh dear Celestia!"
The noise made by the contact of their hoof and the floor was now much more rapid, but quickly became distant. You didn't budge, however. What seemed like hours later, which in reality was only a couple of minutes, you heard more voices from beyond the door: different voices.
"Alright, stay here. We'll go take a look."
The patter of hoofs coming in contact the ground were present again and much more frequent, suggesting that there was more than one pony in the room. You couldn't be sure, because you shut your eyes closed as hard as you could. The sounds were much closer, and again, you heard one of them speak. Everything from there on was a blur, up until you were transferred to the psychiatric hospital. You were sitting in a room, adjacent to the one the ponies were speaking in. You had finally cleaned the blood, and your eyes returned normal.
"Does he have any physical injuries?"
"Not as far as we can tell. I don't think he was there when they were stabbed. At least one of them didn't suffer too much. The other was beaten."
"I can't imagine what the poor colt's had to go through. He won't talk to any of our medical staff or the investigators from the crime scene."
"Well, what do you expect? Wouldn't you be acting the same if you were in his position?"
"Hell, I don't know. I'm no psychologist."
"Speaking of which, shouldn't he be here by now?"
"Should be. Not sure what could be taking him so long."
You heard a door open in the other room that the two ponies were talking in, and Sigmund's voice was heard.
"Hello, gentlecolts. I understand that there is a foal that needs psychological care?" Sigmund questioned.
"Well, yes, we believe so. He won't speak, eat, or interact with any of us."
"Well, I do not wish to jump to any conclusions, but we might just be dealing with another mood disorder, depression most likely." Sigmund reassured the other two ponies.
"That's up to you to find out. We'll leave it to you, doctor."
"Is it alright if I speak with him?"
"Go right ahead."
Hoof-steps could be heard coming closer to you, as you were still in the adjacent room. The white door slowly creaked open, and it was then that you met Sigmund.
I was too young to understand what he wanted. I can't remember what questions he asked, but I know he asked a lot. He asked about what had happened to me, why I was crying, why I wasn't eating. I had no idea what the matter with me was, or that there was something wrong. All I wanted was my parents back. I was only a foal for Celestia's sake! I didn't want to see anypony else. And it didn't help that I grew up knowing that there was something wrong with me, and that years of treatment hadn't cured me. Sigmund's reputation of never failing to help a patient had given me hope, but near the end, I just gave up. I'm destined to feel bitter, unwanted, hated, sad, and empty for the rest of my life. I can't eat, sleep, or even enjoy my peace or serenity anymore because Rainbow Dash knows about my past and she's looking for me right now!
The realization of your situation had become an increasingly heavy burden to carry. All of your coping mechanisms were failing. You couldn't block out the memory of your parents,and what you can remember from the hospital was flooding back as well. Every thought that supported the idea of your eternal depression was being replayed over and over, reinforcing it. The stress of all this was becoming to much to cope with. You were becoming physically and mentally exhausted, and yet you couldn't fall asleep. At least the sleep would allow a short time of respite from your reality. As you tried to assess the seriousness of your situation, you began to breathe much more heavily; trying to prevent the tears welling up in your eyes from streaming down your face. For the most part you had been successful. Again, you were reminded of your anti-depressants, as they had become incorporated of your nightly routine. You reached back for your saddlebag and felt your entire body freeze up when you felt nothing. You swiftly craned your neck to meet your exposed Cutie Mark, sparking feelings of paranoia and fear. It wasn't the fact that your Cutie Mark was not hidden. Rather, the loss of your saddlebag, your contents. You instantaneously sat up, and began to pace.
No. No! Where is it? Was it taken? No, I would have known if it was taken away. I would have seen it! What happened to it? Where did it go?!
You slowly attempted to retrace your steps, your amnesia impairing your abilities to do so. All you can remember was Rainbow Dash latching on to you, flying towards her home, the shower...
And she read my case file... She has everything. My notebook, my case file, my anti-depressants... Everything she needs to prove how mentally sick I am...
The gravity of the dilemma had finally settled in. All of the defenses you had built up, every precaution you had ever taken, had been utterly destroyed by the cyan pegasus.
"I can't do this. I can't go on. As if it wasn't bad enough for me to begin with, now Rainbow Dash knows..."
What if she just wants to help?
"She wouldn't have started out by asking me questions! She would have accepted me, and not treated me like a monster."
Maybe you just can't accept anypony's help.
"Don't you think I want help? But how can I trust anypony else? All of my life, ponies have tried to help, only to have them betray me. All of the medical staff hadn't helped. They were just doing it for the bits or the reputation. Even at this point, I'm starting to doubt Sigmund's trust: the only pony who I ever learned to trust, and that was after years of interaction with him. How can I begin to trust a rainbow-maned pegasus that I've only known for a few days, especially after all she's done?"
Even though you refuse to admit it, there's something about her that draws you to her. Ever since you felt her touch that one night, you've longed for more. And she knows your past, before their death. She holds all the answers you want, and she's willing to do more than help. Isn't that what you've always wanted?
"...I don't know. I just can't believe it. She'll eventually hurt me too. And I can't go through that again."
You're making a mistake.
"The mistakes I’d made was coming to this horrid town, meeting Rainbow Dash, and leaving my case file with her."
So what happens now? You try to commit suicide, fail, and pity yourself?
"I don't know. She has my case file. I can't just go back and take it. Besides, it wouldn't make any difference. She knows everything by now. I could always just leave..."
Running away. The idea had never come to you before, because it was never an option. Running away would imply you had something to run away from, and that was never true, until now that is.
But nopony would notice or care.
"All the more reason that it's the easier choice to make. I could leave to someplace far away. Any other city or town. Not to Manehattan. Any other place."
And what would make any other place different from here?
"The ponies wouldn't recognize me. They'd be too ignorant to take a glance at me."
And you're sure of that? You didn't believe anypony could know you, and Rainbow Dash did.
"That's why I'm going far away... But, Sigmund. I'm supposed to meet with him every week. What would happen if I just left?"
He's the only pony you've ever trusted. You can't just leave. And what if you ever did want to speak with him again? If you left, you would lose the only pony you’d ever gave a damn about.
“Sigmund never helped. What would it matter if you left him behind?”
Because he's the only pony who's ever shown any sort of empathy towards you! You can't leave that behind!
It took a moment for you to realize that you were arguing with yourself; something you wish you could stop, but it was one of the few ways you could ever come to a consensus. And the quiet night sky was suddenly disrupted by the voice of a familiar pegasus calling for your name.
No, it's too soon! She couldn't have found me so quickly! Please, Celestia, just send her away!
You looked up, searching for her, spotting her outline in the sky. She flying directly below the clouds, scouring the landscape for you. Your heart stopped beating the same time she stopped mid-flight. The contour of her outline shifted in direction, and was becoming much larger. She had found you; you had no doubt. Her outline in the sky became much larger, and as she lowered herself, you could see the hue of her coat and her rainbow mane. The closer she came, the more details you could see; her rosy-colored eyes, her Cutie Mark, and your saddlebag.
She has it. Has she come to return it? Is she going to act like none of this had ever happened?
Rainbow Dash had finally landed on the ground. She stood before you; your saddlebag and all of its contents being carried by her. The clouds, being partially dispersed by the nighttime gale, allowed a small amount of moonlight through, illuminating the area the two of you. Her face was marked with regret and despair, as it rightfully should have been. She walked a bit closer to you, but you didn't retreat. You couldn't, nor would you, because you knew it was pointless. Rainbow Dash had found you, and there was definitely no escaping this time. You couldn't even muster up the energy to put up any fight whatsoever. You were exhausted; both of running away and of fatigue. She was about to speak, you knew she was.
"Hey..." she muttered.
She's not going to go about this as if it was nothing, is she? Or is she trying to sympathize with me?
"Listen, I... I'm..." she continued.
Disgusted by you. Somepony with all your mental ailments; how can you even go on? I'm surprised you haven't already killed yourself. The fact that nopony wants to help you must be eating you alive. Do you have any hope left? I'd be surprised if you did.
"I'm sorry. For going through your things... And reading your... Your..."
"Psychological evaluation," you finished for her; both of you surprised that you did.
"Y-yeah. If I knew that you were like this before, I wouldn't have gone through your saddlebag... But I couldn't help myself! I was just so curious to know what was in there, and I just... I mean, I knew there was something different about you, but I would have never guessed that it was this..."
And everything went silent for a moment, allowing you to reflect.
She's apologizing. She's done that before, it's nothing new. It's what she does to try to make amends. But what if she's genuinely sorry?
"Tell me, do you really not remember me at all?" she questioned once more.
She already knows everything. There's no sense in hiding it. If I lie, I'm only going to aggravate her.
To speak again, especially in this situation, was going to be difficult; regardless if it was a one word answer. Your earlier willingness to speak was completely gone, leaving you to force yourself to speak. You had to. Otherwise, you'd have to face another hail of questions.
"N-no. Not at all," you managed to whisper.
The experience wasn't painful; a surprise to you. The fact that you had nothing left to hide from her didn't make it any more difficult to speak.
"Then what do you remember?" she hesitantly asked.
More questions. More and more questions... Then... Why aren't they exacerbating me?
"I don't know," you, again, willingly responded.
And again, everything went quiet for a moment in time, until she broke the silence once more.
"Why didn't you tell me before? I would have understood! I could have helped. I WANT to help you!" her tone exposing a mixture of betrayal and compassion.
Why doesn't she understand!? She should know why!
"You really think after everything I've been through, after all that's happened to me, that I..." you started, taking in a deep breath of air, "That I can just be like everypony else? That I can trust another pony? That I can be... Normal?"
As you looked towards Rainbow Dash, you could see her face was full of regret, and your eyes began to dampen. Cursing under your breath, you turned away from her, trying to hide your soon-to-be tears. You could hear her come closer to you, and you felt a warm sensation on your shoulder. You turned to her, still desperately trying to fight back tears, and you saw her hoof resting on your body.
"I can help. I can help you remember everything that you forgot."
You wanted to believe her, but how could you? She's gone through your belongings and just wants to help you? And yet, her hoof on your shoulder was helping to melt away all your stress and pain. You wanted to accept her help, you truly did, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do so.
She already knows everything. And she still wants to help... Maybe... Maybe I can build a relationship with her. Maybe she can help...
Every part of your body was saying not to. They was pleading and begging to not accept her help; that you were falling into the same trap you’d previously fallen in, that you were making the same mistake once more,that you were better off spending the rest of your life alone, and that you should stay that way. You felt your heart increase in pace, blood circulation was increasing, making you a nervous wreck. You opened your mouth, and whispered...
"Alright..."
Suddenly, you felt something wrap around your neck. And with that, you entered your stage of euphoria, not being able to help yourself but enjoy it. Unfortunately, the warmth quickly vanished, and Rainbow Dash began to speak again.
"Okay, so, I guess we should go, then... I mean, unless you got a place to stay... Do you?"
Should I lie? It wouldn't hurt to, for once, sleep in shelter.
The voice in the back of your mind kept warning you of the mistake you were making, and another voice was pleading for you to accept her help.
I want to stay with her! I want her to help me remember everything! She can help me!
"N-no."
"So do you wanna stay with me?"
Again, the voices in your head were much louder, trying to influence your decision; one insisting that it would be a mistake, and the other wanting to accept her help.
"Yes."
You could see her light up a bit, throwing you off guard for a second, before she spoke once more.
"Then let's go," she stated, before beginning to flap her wings. She took off, not wanting to waste any time, waiting for you to follow suit. You let out a deep sigh and proceeded to imitate her. You lifted yourself off the ground and followed her; the two of you nearly side by side. You couldn't bring any thoughts to your mind, as you were still in a state of shock from your decisions. You entered a near-desensitized state, as you didn't feel yourself flying; almost as if it were from instinct. After a few minutes of silence and gliding, you reached her domain once more. You could see the door was left open, as was the window you escaped from. She was the first to land on the cloud, waiting for you to follow suit. As you regained control of your senses, you descended onto her cloud and followed her into the building. You weren't sure of what was going to happen now, but again, you couldn't even begin to comprehend your actions. You were pulled out of your daze when Rainbow Dash spoke.
"Alright, well, it's been a long day for the both us. We should get some shut-eye. And since you're the guest, I'll let you sleep in my room," trotting to the stairs as she explained your arrangements.
You followed her, not willing to put up any form of resistance. You had now hit the point of exhaustion that caused you to become drowsy. She led you through a short flight of stairs and through a hallway with only a few doors. She stopped herself at one and opened it slowly. The room itself was somewhat empty; barren besides the bed and a small picture upon a stand that rested next to it.
"So, you can sleep here. I don't mind at all. I'll just sleep on the couch or somethin’."
She quickly slid the saddlebag of her back and dropped it before you. You had completely forgotten about it having been in the presence of her.
"I guess this is goodnight. I'll see ya in the morning," she said before closing the door.
You stood still, listening for her hoofsteps to become quieter, and finally disappearing all together. You let out another deep sigh, finally having been given some sort of peace of mind. You dragged the saddlebag closer to the bed, and quickly rummaged through it's contents, finding everything to still be in place.
At least she had the sense not to steal anything.
You placed yourself on the bed, hind-legs stretched out, one foreleg across your chest, and the other laying off the bed. It's been a while since you'd actually laid on a bed, having been resting out in the open for the past week.
I'm hoping I made the right choice. If not, I've just put myself in another psychiatric hospital.
Reminded of the hospital, you reached for your anti-depressants in your saddlebag. The amount you needed to take and how often had finally become embedded in your memory. You reached for the bottle, and pulled out two capsules, and swallowed them without any hesitation. Your drowsiness quickly followed, and you were finally going to fall asleep. After the events of today, you were willing to take your chances in your unconsciousness. You quickly pulled back the covers, and slipped under them, resting your head on the pillow. Finally, your eyelids gave in, and you slipped into the abyss of your dreams.
"You sure ya can't stay longer?"
"Yeah, I gotta get going. I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Alright, see ya!"