Author note:
You may now employ your Chuck Norris comments.
It had been a very strange day for Twilight. First, she accidentally cast an incomplete spell that swapped all her friends’ cutie marks around, then upon finding a solution she had teleported away into a strange metaspace purgatory to watch replays of all her previous awesome displays of friendship. If that wasn’t bad enough, she had scared everypony by disappearing in a magic explosion and had only returned hours later, long after they thought she was dead.
The worst part, however, was yet to come. After calming her panicked friends, their first questions were What happened? and Why are you suddenly a Princess?
Twilight examined the wings that had sprouted from her back, curious at the feeling and unsure of the significance. It was fortunate that Princess Celestia, the alicorn with answers, appeared just then. Less fortunate was the news she delivered.
“Princess duties are very serious and important to Equestria, Twilight.” Celestia put on a convincing expression that usually worked on her student. “You’ll need to develop a place in the government, get to know politicians, take on royal responsibilities, and be the leader of huge groups of needy ponies. You’ve completed your lessons on making friends, so you’ll have to move back to Canterlot and get a real job.”
“But…but…” This was the last thing Twilight expected, and she wasn’t quite sure how somepony could ever finish learning about friendship.
Seeing her consternation, Bruce stepped away from the crowd of townsponies that had gathered and approached the two alicorns. “Twilight, you seem a bit overwhelmed.”
“I…I didn’t ask for this,” was all the purple pony managed to stammer.
Bruce knelt low, putting himself at her eye level. “I can help.”
“You can?” asked Celestia, rather flatly.
Bruce nodded and stood up. “I’ll need some assistance, but it shouldn’t take long.”
He folded his hands and closed his eyes. A few seconds passed and nothing happened. Suddenly, a pony standing nearby gasped and pointed at the night sky. A fiery comet was descending from the heavens, much the same way Bruce himself had arrived.
The incoming projectile landed at the end of the street, cratering the cobblestone with an earth-shaking impact. As the smoke cleared, a tall figure appeared.
He wore jeans and boots, with a tan vest over a blue denim shirt. Applejack swooned slightly at the sight of his black cowboy hat. A silver Colt 1911 rode on his belt. His gaze squinted slightly, letting everypony in the area know that his eyes were upon them. His beard was the stuff of legend.
Bruce approached, extending a hand. “It’s very good to see you again, Chuck.”
“You too, Bruce.” The new arrival looked around. “What’s the problem?”
Bruce nodded in the direction of Twilight. She still had not managed to quell her wingboner at the sight of Bruce and Chuck standing side by side.
Chuck nodded in understanding. “Let’s do this.”
As both men knew, the simple act of two badasses teaming up resulted in exponentially more than double the amount of awesome than each working alone. They approached Twilight, Chuck positioning himself a few steps back and turning slightly sideways.
Bruce nodded to Twilight. “Close your eyes. This will be over soon.”
No sooner had Twilight’s eyelids shut than the two men nodded to each other and set their unspoken plan into motion. Reality blurred as Chuck executed a spinning roundhouse kick concurrent with Bruce’s lightning-fast punch. Laser scalpels wielded by robots could not have more perfectly amputated Twilight’s wings. The twin forces of nature were so fast that she felt not a thing. In fact, the skin on her back promptly healed and Twilight gained the title of the only being in the universe to have ever survived being hit by both Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris.
The force of the operation had to go somewhere, however. It bent space and time, reaching across several universes to explode the typewriter of a man named M.A. Larson and every cent that a company named Hasbro had ever given him. This all occurred without doing any physical harm to anyone, because the mark of a true martial artist is never using more force than necessary.
In Ponyville, there were several seconds of silence. The sonic boom of the twin attacks was just fading. Celestia blinked, having been temporarily blinded by a flash brighter than the sun. Well, if Twilight was no longer a viable candidate, then she would need another to induct to Princesshood. She did not consider either Bruce or Chuck. Either of them could bend the government inside out with a mere word. They both commanded so much admiration and respect that the immortal sun goddess could not help but feel inadequate. She left them be to make a new Princess plan.
Bruce and Chuck took a walk. There seemed to be something on Bruce’s mind, and Chuck gave him time to think. He was rather philosophical, and could dazzle with brilliance just as much as physical prowess.
“I was considering a change of scenery,” said Bruce.
Chuck nodded. “Did you have any place in mind?”
Bruce thought. “Perhaps traveling to the moon?”
Miles away, in the city of Canterlot, Princess Luna popped a surprise wingboner so hard the castle exploded.