Many years ago in the past...
The Pies had a boring lifestyle, but a wonderful family. At least, by rock farmer standards. When the mother gave birth, they had a set of triplets. Their names were Bleakeny, Inkaldria, and the youngest and most colorful of all, Pinkamena Diane Pie. They all lived semi-happy lives, rolling rocks from one quarry to another, day after day. Life was wonderfully, spectacularly dull. But one day, all that changed for a young Pinkamena.
She drowned the family puppy because it wouldn’t stop begging her for table scraps. She was only four months old. Evidently, her parents found out, and she got a mouthful of caster oil.
A year later, a famous chef came from Detrot with a camera crew, saying that he was on a tour to taste and critique foods in every corner & culture in the world. With a shrug, the Pie family offered him a family recipe: gravel pie, which is exactly what you think it is. The chef left, shouting how he couldn’t comprehend about how bland and crunchy the food was, and about how the locals were even blander. A certain pink filly decided to tag along, just to make sure to tell them which way they should turn at the fork in the road a mile ahead.
After she got back, Pinkamena tried a new form of baking. She claimed that the strangers had later apologized for the blandness-related insults and gave her a book on how to bake cupcakes as a sign of friendship. That night, Pinkamena’s family shared a nice dessert after dinner. Her mother even almost had something resembling a smile! As an added bonus, Pinkamena hoof-made a poncho for her beloved grandmother, which had the odd resemblance of a tanned hide. The animal that the hide was made from could not be identified, but the skin looked badly lashed with some kind of barbed whip.
When asked about the poncho (or the odd, salty taste of the cupcakes), Pinkamena would only reply, “It’s a secret. Shove off.”
Neither the chef nor his accomplices were ever heard from again.
Around the same time, within the more luxurious and light-hearted city of Canterlot...
The scrappy young colt, Dusk Shine, finished coloring his drawing. He stood back and looked upon his artistic masterpiece with pride. Of course, Dusk couldn’t draw his way out of a paper bag, but he was proud of himself nonetheless.
“Cadence!” he called out. “Cadence, look what I made!”
The pink alicorn princess (whom was inexplicably demoted to the task of babysitting) looked at the drawing that Dusk Shine had made. “Why, what a nice firetruck, Dusk.”
“That’s not a firetruck!” insisted Dusk, annoyed and offended beyond words. “It’s not even red!”
“Well, what is it then?” said Cadence with that tone of voice that babysitters give to you whenever they see you doing something that they think is cute. You know, it’s sort of a half-laugh, half-talk tone of voice. You’d have to hear it for yourself to know what I’m talking about.
“It’s a pegasus,” Dusk said, smiling playfully. “See, I’ve always wanted to have a pegasus for a friend to pick me up and take me flying, but they’re all in Cloudsdale. So, I thought I’d make my own! I named her Surprise, ‘cause she throws surprise parties for me.”
Cadence frowned slightly. “This wouldn’t happen to be related to the recent incident with Moondancer, is it? You know, if she doesn’t want you at her birthday party, she has every right not to invite you.”
Dusk pouted his lip. “...Please don’t bring that up.”
“Hey, why don’t we make some cookies?” Candence offered, taking a hint.
A handful of years afterward...
Dusk Shine fiddled his hooves. He was taking the final entrance exam for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. He aced the written part, no problem. It was the physical test that got his knees buckling.
He was supposed to hatch a dragon egg. The utmost challenging part of this was that everypony knew next to nothing about dragons. Dusk could hatch it if it was a chicken egg, but as far as dragon eggs were concerned, he was completely screwed.
Again and again, he attempted to hatch the dragon egg. Again and again, the stupid sphere-esque object stubbornly refused to respond, as if it was made of stone.
Little to Dusk’s knowledge, the egg was made of stone. It was a rock painted to look like a dragon’s egg, to be precise. The physical test was a test of spirit, rather than a test of skill. It was a challenge designed to show the judges what the upstarts would do in an impossible situation. Why, the mere thought of a rock hatching into a baby dragon seems absolutely silly! The only kind of magic that could exercise that kind of power would have to be the very embodiment of magic, and one would also need to have years of experience with-
BOOOM!!
Roughly a few minutes earlier...
Within the desolate prison of Dusk’s forgotten childlike creativity, Surprise the imaginary friend sighed in boredom. Dusk Shine had long ago abandoned such things as imaginary playmates, and she had been swept away to the depths of his unconscious psyche like a dustball under the rug. At first, it was okay, since Surprise was originally just an idea, a mere nonentity that Dusk had made up in an act of loneliness. At first, Surprise had no thoughts of her own.
At first.
You see, after Dusk had discarded Surprise for about a month, he had taken upon himself to attempt to create a potion that would instantly enhance the talent of anypony who drank it. Being a blank-flank, he was hoping to enhance his unknown talent so much that his cutie mark would appear on its own.
This lead to him to testing the potion on himself by taking a tiny sip whenever he felt close to succeeding in his search for this wonder-potion. This, of course, also lead him to losing his lunch on multiple occasions, but a number of the failed potions had a very strange after-effect:
Within his mind, without his knowing, Surprise had begun to think.
She started to wonder who she was. After finding the ability and energy to search Dusk’s memories, she discovered her name and identity. This was followed by wanting to play with Dusk again. Every time she called out to him, it seemed as though Dusk could not hear her.
The lack of interaction soon bored Surprise, so she sought out ways to entertain herself. Eventually, Surprise learned with great concentration, she could see into the eternal stretches of Limbo, the plane of semi-existence that connects all sentient beings to a collective sub-awareness. Unfortunately, the experience of staring into Limbo was akin to watching grass grow. Still, it was better than nothing.
After staring further, she could see past the infinite plane of Limbo and see alternate realities where planets, galaxies and even entire universes were populated with humans. Surprise occasionally waved to them. They did not wave back.
But it was all for nothing. What was the point of seeing all the cosmos in the complexity known as the omniverse if you couldn’t have any fun with its inhabitants? Surprise was a free spirit at heart, and it was wrong to lock her up in-
BOOOM!!
Back at the rock farm...
Pinkamena was in the south field, preparing to rotate the rocks with her family to the east field. As usual, the sky was a gloomy shade of gray, complementing the dead trees and desolate wasteland quite nicely. She wasn’t exactly happy (gracious no, she was never happy), but she was... contented. Yes, that’s the word. Contented.
BOOOM!!
Out of nowhere, the sky exploded with color and light. The first thought that entered Pinkamena’s mind was AH! AH! THE SKY’S ON FIRE! IT’S JUST AS THE PROPHECY FORETOLD! THE END OF DAYS HAS COME! RAGNAROK IS UPON US!!!!
The second thought that entered her mind was Oh, it’s just some kind of light show. What a stupid-looking rainbow.
The third and thought evidently was Ugh, my mane’s a mess. Hey, what’s my face doing? Is this what ponies call ‘a smile?’ I don’t like it. Could somepony get it off me? I can’t move my lips.]
“OMIGOSHTHATWASTHECOOLESTTHINGEVER!!!!” her mouth screeched, much to her surprise. “I mean, that explosion was like ‘BOOM!’ and I was like ‘WHOOSH!’ and the sky was like-”
[Shut up.]
“Huh?” Pinkamena’s mouth said again without her permission. “Who said that? There’s nopony here and-WHOA! I have hooves! And a mouth! And a body attached, to boot! Ooo, I’m all pink and stuff. What’s this? I have a tail? Hello, tail! Are you the one talking, Mr. Tail?”
[I said, shut up.]
“Kay,” the mouth-puppeteer said, sitting down on Pinkamena’s rump. “Why am I shutting up again?”
[Because I’ve only known you for twelve seconds,] Pinkamena explained, [and you’re already the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard of. You’re using my voice, and I’m already sick of hearing it. What are you? Stop doing that!]
“Doing what?”
[Doing... this!] Pinkamena yelled, trying desperately to contact any muscle of her body. [Controlling me! This is MY body! How are you doing this in the first place?]
“I dunno.”
[Well, stop it! Right now!]
“Hey now, you sound grumpy. Why don’t I throw you a party?”
[What in Celestia’s name is a party?]
Overnight, the parasitic mind-thing used Pinkamena’s body to set up humorous and fun decorations in farm’s silo Streamers decked the walls. Party hats were set available for guests. A merry tune blared from the speakers. It was the stupidest thing that Pinkamena ever saw, no contest.
During the course of the preparation of the party, Pinkamena had thrown every insult and threat she could think of at her mind-controlling abomination, which had claimed that her name was Surprise. Surprise misinterpreted Pinkamena’s rantings as small talk, and in return had told the cynical filly the secrets of the fourth wall and other things she found funny.
By morning, the Pie family walked into the silo, wondering where Pinkamena had gone. What they found was the array of amusing things that Surprise had set up.
“Do you like it? It’s called a party!”
[Mother! Father! Help me! I’VE BEEN POSSESSED BY AN EVIL CLOWN-DEMON! No, don’t join her! That’s exactly what she wants!]
“This is fantastic, Pinkamena!” one of the Pie sisters said, dancing to the music.
“Thanks,” said Surprise. “But that name’s sorta a mouthful. Why not ‘Pinkie?'”
[NEVER!!!!! That has got to be the most dumbass name in history!]
Aw, don’t be such a sourpuss, Pinkamena, thought Surprise. You can still keep your name. Oh, I just know that this’ll be the start of a beautiful friendship!
Just then, both ponies felt a tingling on their flank. Pinkamena was so shocked, her physical jaw dropped without Surprise’s control.
[No. Bucking. Way,] she thought. [Just... no. No! NO! NO WAY IS MY SPECIAL TALENT THAT! I WANT A REFUND! NO, ON THE SECOND THOUGHT, I QUIT!! You hear me? From now on, it ‘s your life. I’m giving up. There’s no point in fighting you back if I’m going to have a cutie mark like this.]
I think it’s pretty cool!
“...And that’s how Equestria was made!” the white and yellow pegasus finished, gulping down the last of her sundae.
“Uhh... wow,” said Dusk, feeling a combination of impressed and disgruntled, “you’ve been actually living in Pinkamena’s body for all these years?”
“Thaaaat’s right!” said Pinkie/Surprise, nodding her head and grinning.
“And you originated from me?”
“Yep!”
“So, that’s why you look so familiar,” he said, still amazed by the story that his friend told him.
“So, do you know what this means, Dusky-wusky?” she said enthusiastically.
“What?”
*WHACK!*
“My balls!”
“It means that I’m your childhood friend! And childhood friends make great love interests!”
“So,” said Dusk, still tending to his bruised scrotum, “do I have to call you Surprise now, or just Pinkie Pie?”
“Meh, either one is fine,” said Pinkie, shrugging with the use of her wings.
*Crack*
“What was that?” said Pinkie looking around.
“WE KNOWST THAT THOU ART HOLDING THE ROYAL BOYFRIEND CAPTIVE, MISS PIE!” a thundering voiced yelled. “IN NAME OF THE THRONE, WE COMMAND THEE TO RELEASE HIM FROM THY CLUTCHES AT ONCE!”
“Luna?” Dusk said. “Is that you?”
“WE ART GRANTING THEE ONLY ONE WARNING, PINKIE! WE CAUTION THEE, WE ART IN THE MOST CRANKY STATE!”
The starlight restaurant of Sugarcube Corner started to ripple and crumble, giving way to yet another location. After the dust cleared, it was obvious to Dusk that they had exchanged from being in a fancy version of the local sweet shop to being on the moon.
The view, to summerize, was spectacular. Stars and constellations could be seen perfectly, but the most interesting sight was the planet below.
That is, not a planet at all.
Equestria really was flat. Not completely flat, mind you. It had various mountains valleys, and seas, but it could all be viewed as a flat plane. Details about how this affected the environment and ideas like the directions north and south had the potential to fill an entire book, but for the reader’s sake, I’m going to cut science-related facts short. I will, however, grant some visual aid on what the whole thing looked like to Dusk:
...
...Yeah, it’s probably best if you don’t ask too many questions about the turtle. That goes double for the elephants. Also, I’m going to have to ask you to believe that ponies can breathe on the moon in dreams.
Dusk and Pinkie Pie looked twenty feet away and saw the figure of Princess Luna, but not exactly. See, the last time Dusk (physically) saw Luna was the time she aided in convincing a sleeping dragon to move to another mountain. She looked like this.
Now, in Pinkie/Pinkamena’s dream, she took this appearance.
She looked at a halfway point between Nightmare Moon and the cute, adolescent alicorn that he knew. She gave off a more regal, sophisticated air about herself. The strangest part that Dusk found about Luna’s true form was that he swore that he’d seen it before.
Like, a lot of it.
Constantly.
As in multiple nights in a row.
In which he had to change the bedsheets directly afterward.
Oh crap, Dusk thought as he put two and two together, She must’ve visited me... and we... with the bunny girl suit... How many nights did I have those dreams?
“JUST SURRENDER, PINKIE!” Luna bellowed. “REMEMBER, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! DREAM-SEX MAY SEEM TO BE HARMLESS AT FIRST, BUT IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE!”
“Wait, what are you talking about?” said Pinkie flying her way over to her dream’s newcomer. “I was just taking my wittle Dusky out on a dream-date.”
“...No dream-sex to speak of?” Luna replied at normal volume.
“Nope,” Pinkie assured, “but it does sound kinda fun! What’s it like?”
“It’s... uhh... HOW WOULD WE KNOW? DOST THOU ACCUSE THY PRINCESS OF SUCH ACTIONS?!” yelled Luna, blushing furiously.
“If I answer yes, would you still tell me how it feels?”
“WE SAY THEE NEIGH! ABSOLUTELY NOT!”
“Does he last longer than fifteen seconds?”
“SILENCE!!” Her Majesty said, floating over to Dusk. “WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS HORSEPLAY! COME DUSK SHINE, TIS TIME TO AWAKEN! ALL THOU HAST TO DO IS KILL THYSELF, AND ALL THIS SHALL BE OVER!”
“I’m glad that you came and all Luna,” Dusk said, deciding to keep that ‘dream-sex issue’ rest for the moment, “and I’d love to wake up, but there is something I’d like to take care of first.”
“WHATEVER COULD THIS BE?”
“Say Pinkie,” he said, addressing Surprise, “could you transport me back to Pinkamena’s half of the mind for a while? I’d like to have a chat with her before I go.”
“WHO IS THIS ‘PINKAMENA?” Luna questioned. “AND WHY DOST SHE RESIDE IN PINKIE PIE’S MIND?”
“It’s a long story,” Pinkie said, making a door materialize a couple paces away from Dusk. “And I don’t want to always spout exposition, or this fic would get boring fast. Are you sure you wanna go there, Dusk? She’s not exactly in the best mood for visitors.”
“This is something I have to do,” he reassured. “I won’t be long.” Besides, he thought to himself, I need something to take my mind off the bunny girl suit. He stepped through the door, darkness enveloping him.
After he walked in the endless curtains of blackness for a while, Dusk Shine was immediately confronted with the smell of of fire and brimstone. Flames erupted around him, lighting up his surroundings.
He discovered that he was walking upwards a sequence of steps. To either side of him, undead carcases of ponies were placed in cages dangling from the unseen ceiling. The ponies inside the cages, stripped of the ability to die, were trying to scream horribly in pain, but their throats were either sliced out or burned to a crisp. At the top of the steps, there was a throne crafted of bones, teeth, iron blades and other (rather unnameable) objects.
Pinkamena was sitting on the chair in a leisurely position, listening to the silent, tortured screams of the undead ponies as if it was classical music. She was still trapped in the form of a filly, but had decided to dress up in a little devil costume that could be seen on children during Nightmare Night. Although, the pitchfork that she gripped in one hoof was certainly not a plastic toy.
“What do you want?” she asked Dusk begrudgingly.
Dusk swallowed, remembering the reason that he came here. “Pinkie... uhh... Surprise told me how she came into your body. She told me what happened to you.”
“Don’t play dumb with me,” Pinkamena scolded. “I know what she told you. I was listening. I’m always listening.”
“I just want you to know that I’m sorry,” he continued, “that something like that happened to you. Surprise might not have been in any control of whose body she took over, but I wouldn’t want that happening to anyone. I sorta feel responsible for what she unintentionally did to you, and I want to let you know, if there’s anything I can do for you, all you have to do is ask.”
Pinkamena looked downwards staring intently at the ground. “...Don’t pity me.”
“I could try to separate you two,” he went on. “We could all go to the Royal Archives, the biggest library in the world! I know if we look hard enough, we could find something. You might have to promise the Royal Guard not to hurt anypony once you’re free, but-”
“I said, DON’T PITY ME!” she interrupted. As she screamed, fire leaped from the ground, surrounding them in a ring of flames. “I don’t want to be free! I don’t want your help! I don’t want to separated from Pinkie! I don’t want to be all alone again!”
Dusk blinked. “What was that last part?”
“...”
“Pinkamea... are you lonely?”
“Depends,” she replied, regaining her composure. “Do you want to know, or do you prefer not to worry about me going to your house at night and killing you in your sleep?”
“Okay,” Dusk said, “but answer me this: What does Surprise mean to you? And why do you keep calling her Pinkie every time?”
“Because that’s her name.”
“No,” he corrected, “that’s your name. At least, a short version of it.”
The small, pink filly clenched her teeth. “You’re walking on thin ice with questions like that, Dusk. Don’t push me. That’s not a good way to go.”
“I’m only trying to reach out,” Dusk insisted. “If you feel alone, I could be your friend. I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately, but I think it’s not too late to start over.”
“I don’t need you!” she shouted. “I don’t need anyone!”
“I think you do,” said Dusk stepping up to the throne. “If you made friends with Surprise, you're perfectly free to build relationships with others as well. Trust me, I’m basically the magic of friendship incarnate.”
“S-stay back!” she hollered resentfully. “Or I’ll summon a rain of daggers onto your head!”
Dusk picked Pinkamena up, and she squirmed to escape his grasp. “DON’T TOUCH ME! PUT ME DOWN! YOU ARE GONNA BE IN SO MUCH HURT!”
Not regarding what Pinkamena said anymore, Dusk embraced her in a soft, meaningful hug, then ended it to meet her gaze.
“There,” he said, “that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“...I guess,” she huffed, hating herself for admitting it. “It’s sorta been awhile since anypony hugged me before. Oh, and Dusk?”
“Yes?”
“You forgot one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m still holding a pitchfork,” she said, breaking out into her classic ear-to-ear psychotic smile, “and you just willingly brought yourself within point-blank stabbing distance.”
That’s when Pinkamena ran her triple-headed prong straight through Dusk’s gut; ravishing several of his vital organs, killing his dream-self instantaneously in an explosion of blood and gore, and sending him hurtling toward reality.
It also hurt. A lot.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I went into the mind of Pinkie Pie the pony the I knew as Pinkie Pie. I say this because when I went out, I knew secrets about her than I ever thought possible. Pinkie Pie isn’t even her real name! I think this has given me a better understanding of why she does what she does, and I firmly believe that the two of us all three of us are better friends because of it.
And like it or not, I went on a date in there. I suppose it was fairly enjoyable, as far as forced-dates-that-I-go-on-against-my-will go. From the events of that date, I’ve learned when a friend admires you but you don’t love them back, it can be a very difficult situation, and you shouldn’t flat-out reject them.
I also learned that when you meet somepony totally evil, you should try to walk a mile in their shoes to understand WHY they’re evil. Every story has two sides, and no matter how much some ponies hate you, you should at least try to relate to them.
Lastly, I learned that you should always attempt to reach out to those in need, even when they don’t want it. Even they stab you in the liver, they’ll thank you one day.
Your faithful student,
Dusk Shine
Dear Diary,
Today, I finally got around to flying all the frogs to Froggy Bottom Bog. There, I was confronted with a big surprise: A hydra rose up from the mud and started to chase me! I must’ve galloped for miles when it finally caught up and cornered me. I was so frightened.
Fortunately, I gave it a few blasts of my Fire Breath shout, and it was scared away. You know, mostly because it had to tend to some third-degree burns.
You know, maybe I was too hard on the poor, defenseless guy. I should send him an apology letter. Oh, and some ointment. He looked pretty banged up.
Love,
Fluttershy