A Flimsy Relationship
Chapter 1: What the Flimflam!
“You moron!” Flam palmed his face with both hooves. He turned his head sharply to the stairs in the two-floor store he and his brother had just acquired. “FLIM! FLIM! Get down here this instant, you charlatan in shopkeeper’s uniform!”
“Hey, there’s no need to be making slander of others,” the un-mustachioed brother marched down the steps, using his magic to tighten his bow tie. “Really? Must you use rude moniker at this time of the morning? Past dusk, I can most indubitably understand, but we need make haste to open the shop now before the consumer crowd will be in at their maximum capacity of interest in being patrons to our fine establishment.”
“Oh, Flim, will you knock it off with that silver tongue business for five minutes?” The mustachioed stallion in a straw hat slammed his hooves on the table, emphasizing the newspaper he had been reading. “Really, brother? Really? We were about to hit the big time! We were this close to making everything to our advantage without a care in the world, and you have the gall to get us in this sort of trouble?”
“Wh-what do you mean?” Flim tapped his fore hooves together, biting his lip. “You’re not telling me one of the devices has decided to short circuit on us, are you? You know I can perform maintenance in the hour.”
“This is exactly the problem, ever since you were a child.” Flam gave an exasperated moan. “When Aunt Cherry Jubilee insisted you go out to make friends, you were always inside, building cherry pickers and conveyor belts that could be managed by anypony. When it comes to technology and math and science, guess what? You’re probably the most brilliant mind there is that I know of. You can make things with your magic and two hooves that few take the time to ponder on, but your social skills are a complete wreck. You’re the famous mare-killer in the family, but you can’t even talk to a filly straightly, if it isn’t about business.” He lifted his half-full mug of cider, eyes wild, and flung it at Flim. “You are an absolute moron, doing what you did in public of all places!”
Flim ducked and used his magic to catch the mug that narrowly missed him. “Woah ho ho. Not mother’s good mugs.” He turned to face Flam. “And what are you talking about? I’ve been inside this place, ever since we came into Canterlot.”
“Oh, yes, for the rent and mortgage contracting. For the drawing up business plans with a family for reasonable commission and decent distance near Canterlot to use their apples for our product as well as a few other local farmers for the sake of pies and other warm, fruity home-cooking done by lovingly crafted machines. For the construction of your machinations and the set-up of the hall. The problem is that you were outside for perhaps the most important social event we had and ever will have here in Canterlot. Your intrapersonal ego is about to get us pitched out of our big build-up after that embarrassment in Ponyville.”
“Oh, please, the opening?” Flim chuckled. “You had your arm around Celestia’s neck just like me. It was showmanship. We had to give them flash. She’s the princess and the head of the town, after all. We were lucky to book her, with her being the princess and all.”
“Shut up. SHUT UP!” Flam rolled up the newspaper with his magic and held it up above his head as he made his way across the floor to his brother. “Do you have any idea what you have done?” He held the paper threateningly over his younger brother.
Flim smiled nervously. “P-pardon?”
Flam released a heavy sigh, before unrolling the paper and reading aloud. “Princess Celestia Caught on Film Trying to Ignore Public Display of Affection from Amorous Young Lover. Newcomer in Town Business Stallion? Or of Royal Connections?”
“What? That’s ridiculous.” Flim laughed warmly. “Honestly, why in Equestria would anypony think Celestia and I were an item? I was no closer to her than you.”
“There are pictures of you playing hoofsie with her at the opening.” Flam frowned as he turned the newspaper to his brother. He tapped the newspaper violently. “You see! You see right there! What were you doing, stomping your hoof playfully around hers like that?”
Flim looked away from the pictures and shrugged, smiling awkwardly. “Really? How do you know those photos weren’t altered by magic? I’m sure there are plenty of ponies who just want a juicy story to add some excitement to their lives. Rich and famous, after all.”
“Flim.” Flam studied his brother’s face. “You realize that you might be called on court for a story like this, right? You need to be completely honest with me here. If I don’t know the full story, then I can’t attempt to justify any of your actions while trying to be a defense witness. I could call you a philanderer, but you still haven’t shown any interest in a mare romantically, only them showing romantic interest in you. Do you realize how it looks, when the first mare you seem to hit on is a princess? The princess! The expressed ruler of all of Canterlot? Any idea? At all?”
Flim began sweating, swallowing heavily. “All right. All right.” He lowered his voice. “I was trying to steal her horseshoes, all right?”
“Come again?” Flam turned his head, listening more intently.
“I was trying to get her horseshoes off of her hooves. It’s not like we were exactly getting a royal donation at the time.” Flim folded his arms and huffed. “Really, if I took her crown, everyone would have seen it, but those shoes were solid gold. They could have helped pay some of the advance payments on the farm commissions. They would have sold for at least a few hundred bits, after all. It’s not like she doesn’t have a hundred pairs of those things back in the castle, or anything.”
“Well, okay then. That gives me something to work with at least.” Flam lowered the newspaper. He took his hat off and turned away from his brother. “So, it was just business to you? No scandalous interests? No amorous intent?” He chuckled nervously. “Well, I don’t know whether to be relieved, terrified, or ready to make you cough up an apology in front of all of Canterlot while I’m throttling you.” He ground his hooves into his temples. “Really, Flim, this is exactly what I mean. I understand you weren’t expecting anypony to have a camera aimed at your feet. I understand the need for money in an early business. I can see how you could possibly legitimize stealing from the princess, saying it was an accident, or that she had accidentally stepped out of them.” He sat down at a nearby table. “What I don’t understand is how you plan to fix all of this.”
“Excuse me?” Flim staggered back a step. “Fix this? This is nothing. I’m sure Celestia has had a few suitors in her time. It was a misunderstanding, and this will all blow over in a week.”
“Normally, I’d agree with you, my brother.” Flam lowered his hat and laid his head on the table. “I really would agree with you. What you don’t seem to understand is the level of attention you are going to get. Because you and the princess decided to play hoof tag in broad daylight in front of thousands, there is an article about it, and all of Canterlot is going to agree to being a first account witness, if they were at our shop’s opening. They’re going to go on about how they were sure they’ve seen you visiting Canterlot Castle before. This is all just a mess which we can’t rightly fix right now. We might as well just pack up and hit the road all over again. Leave for a new town.”
“Now, come on, Flam, certainly you jest.” Flim chuckled knowingly, pushing his hat back. “Princess Celestia is going to either call me a shoe-thieving rat or stay quiet about the whole affair, like I will.”
“Please, don’t use the word ‘affair’.” Flam covered his ears. “You’re only going to make this all worse than it already is. What you are asking for, right now, right NOW, is a social responsibility I don’t think you’ll be able to keep.” He threw his arms and head wildly into the air with hysteria. “Honestly, my brother, secret escort to the Canterlot queen. Oh, that’ll be the headlines. Millennia-old princess of Equestia takes youthful consort after so many years of being a spinster. Rogue from the industry line makes it to grand lines through nighttime rendezvous with the ruler of the day. That’s it. That’s just it. We are done for. Either we are going to be pinned for slander, or you are going to have to take responsibility to amend the fault you have caused.”
“Really, if it’s just a matter of telling the press that they’re wrong, I’d be willing to make it a public announcement. It’s just a mistake. I could say that I was just trying to get a burr out of my hoof and the princess didn’t want me to step on her hoof. There are lots of things I could say.” Flim nodded firmly.
“And then if Celestia does ‘keep quiet’?” Flam turned sharply on his brother. “Then what happens? Celestia is announced to be suffering for months over a broken heart, and that’s why she refuses to talk about you or acknowledge that you even exist?” He snorted. “Might as well just pack up and leave town, before the guard goes on a stallion hunt.”
“Brother of mine, listen to yourself.” Flim placed a caring hoof on Flam’s shoulder. “Really, you make it sound like this was being told as gospel truth, being preached in the very sanctum of the castle to thousands of ponies. This is just idle gossip. A little sweet hay for the old and crotchety folk to go chattering about as they watch the colts and fillies play in the streets. Something for young mares to tell each other while they are getting their manes done. It’s harmless.”
“And if it isn’t?” Flam insisted. “What happens, should it be that this isn’t harmless, like you call it? What happens if it is taken for gospel truth? What happens, when we have all of Canterlot beating down our door, demanding to see Celestia’s beau? Oh, this is a fine mess you have gotten us into, Flim. A fine, stinking, ripe, unmitigated, tarnished, rancid, despicable, corroding, irrefutable crock of fish for the otter feed!”
“Only because you’re making a big deal out of it.” Flim nodded, hoping to affirm his own point.
Taking a few deep breaths, Flam held his head. “All right. All right. I am going to ask this plainly, and only once so. Should it be that we find ourselves in the situation where not everything is going to be considered gossip? Where we find that, due to Celestia’s high rank in society, nopony is going to forget this piece of ‘news’? Despite all of your protests, you will either have to accept that you are Princess Celestia’s lover or the one who broke her heart, are you going to just saddle up in the middle of the night and leave town, hoping to just be a whisper on the wind? Or are you going to stay and take the social responsibility you now find yourself in the middle of?”
Flim turned his head away to the window. “This doesn’t mean what I think you mean, does it?”
“Flim?” Flam’s expression became stern.
“I don’t really know.” Flim swallowed. “The situation has never come up before. If you are proposing that I propose…?”
“Flim?!” Flam demanded.
“I don’t know!” Flim replied. “I don’t know. It’s too sudden.”
“Then I suggest you stay upstairs today.” Flam nodded insistently. “I can work the machines without you, but we don’t need a lot of unwanted attention. Just stay out of sight and keep a low profile. I’ll bring you something, when business is slow, but we can’t really risk anything right now.”
“I suppose not,” Flim admitted, rubbing the back of his head. He walked dejectedly to the stairs. “I’m telling you it’s nothing.”
The older, mustachioed brother ignored the younger as he headed to the front door. He turned the little sign in the window to ‘open’.
“So, that’s the way it is, then?” Flim sighed as he opened the door to the upper floor. “I hope nothing breaks down on you, then.” He closed the door behind him as he entered his current hiding spot.
~
It was not unusual, as Princess Luna left the night in the midst of morning, for her to be the one in the palace to pick up the newspaper, giving her some reading before she took her rest. Her eyes grew quite wide as she saw the front page. She tucked the newspaper beneath her wing, before entering the castle that was the highlight of Canterlot.
As the black-pelted mare walked along the hall, she didn’t even bother to greet any of the guards. She had a focus for this morning, and she was going to pursue it.
Entering the dining chamber, the younger of the princesses of night and day amused herself with some toast, teasing the crust off of it as she waited for her older sister. It was a simple breakfast, but she didn’t make much for food. After all, she was more tired after staying up all night. She just sat quietly with her toast, chewing softly.
Once it was mid-morning, the sun well in the air, the black princess made her way to the throne room. She rubbed the drowsiness from her eye, before approaching her sister at the daily grind. “Well, someone dost seem appeased this morning,” she motioned.
Celestia looked up from some of her paperwork. “Oh, Luna, so good to see you awake. I was wondering if I could talk some things over with you.”
“Dost thou meaneth in reference to the public announcement we have seen today?” Luna raised an eyebrow of concern.
“What are you talking about?” Celestia took her turn to raise an eyebrow. “Really, Luna, what do you even mean? I was talking about some of the new businesses in town.”
“Exactly what we speaketh of, dear sister,” Luna retorted, her brow furrowing. She removed the newspaper from beneath her wing. “The morning crier’s paper doth bear witness of thy absconding with a commoner of recent arrival.”
“Absconding?” Celestia chuckled warmly. “Oh, Luna, whatever are you referring to? I have been polite to the newcomers in town and helped with some real estate concerns, but I wouldn’t say I’ve absconded with anyone.”
“The daily crier writes elsewise, sister! We have seen it!” Luna unfolded the newspaper with her magic and held it out as plain as day. “There is accurate detailing in image and script of thy actions of hoof-oriented fun with a fellow of new origin within Canterlot’s walls.”
“Oh, that,” Celestia smiled as she took the paper and looked over the photographs. She mused to herself a moment. “It really is all fake, I can assure you. Well, the photos aren’t faked, but the situation was different than what they wrote here.”
“Explain thyself,” Luna demanded.
“He was trying to take my slippers, but I could tell. Definitely thinks himself the slick gentlecolt, but it was obvious at the time, so I simply avoided having him step on my slipper. I probably would have given them as a charity act, if he had simply asked.” The princess laughed. “After all, it’s not like I don’t have a hundred pairs of these or anything.”
“Thou sayest thou wouldst have made amicable offering to this stranger?” Luna stepped towards her sister rather cautiously. She avoided the papers and scrolls on the floor as she neared the throne. “Why should thou show such sympathy to this stallion whom thou knowest not?”
“Oh, it would have been a public relations matter, I assure you.” Celestia waved the comment off blithely. “After all, it’s just some idle gossip. It’s really nothing to get worked up about.”
“Nay, dear sister!” Luna held up a hoof in protest. “A work like this is gossip when made of a commoner, someone who is not of such central focus, someone desiring their fifteen minutes of fame. Such is not the case for royalty. When such falsities are cited about a mare of thy standing, they are slander. Slander, we tell you!” She stomped her hoof sharply on the ground. She turned away from her sister. “We must approach the printing press and bring halt to these sinful curses of thy good name. Lies and lies, and the truth must be known.”
“Oh, you don’t have to get so worked up, Luna.” Celestia stood up and walked over beside her sister. “The papers are all out by now, anyways. Even if we were to have them stop the printers, I’m sure this,” she stifled a laugh, “‘news’ is already all across Canterlot. We would have to wait until tomorrow for any sort of amendment to even be printed.” She smirked playfully. “Besides, it looks like someone is a little late getting their rest.”
“Nonsense! We be a mare of a thousand years, a divine power which does not rest.” Luna yawned, covering her mouth. She clipped her mouth shut. “We… see thy point. But thou canst not stand for this. Thou must take recourse to defend thy honor and high standing. Make up a reason to pacify the crowds before they do riot. Tell them that it be a prank of Discord’s. They shall surely believe thee.”
“Ooh, can’t do that.” Celestia tapped her chin. “Discord is over in Saddle Arabia. His chocolate rain certainly is popular over there. It’s good that he can get out, you know.”
“Then tell the truth.” Luna stared sternly at her sister. “Certainly the faith of thy subjects is not so lost as to not have them believe thee.”
“They’ll probably think I’m being shy.” Celestia gave a good-natured chuckle. “Really, I’ve been around for more than a thousand years. Do you think the public would be impressed if I tried to renounce any rumors about me being romantically involved with a young stallion? It’s not exactly a dark secret, you know. Just some harmless fun.”
“Verily, we shall consent,” Luna dismissed with a minor huff. “We suppose that, should nothing come of fruition to this rumor, it will blow away from the ears and lips of the public as quickly as it arrived. Thou art wisest in these things.”
“Hmm,” Celestia mused, tapping her chin again, this time looking rather pensive with her grin.
“Thy actions trouble us, sweet sister.” Luna nudged Celestia slightly to get her attention. “What be it that thou plot? We fear it shall rest at ill with us.”
“Oh, it’s just as I said it right now. More than a thousand years old. Before you were tainted and banished to the moon, we banished Discord, then you getting possessed and being banished. I was responsible for night and day for at least a thousand years.” Celestia smiled quaintly. “Now, I no longer need to worry about taking care of the night, and Twilight and her friends have cleansed your mind. Discord has been converted to good. King Sombra is banished for all eternity through use of the Crystal Heart. Twlight is no longer my personal immediate trainee, having learned all she needed to join our ranks in princesses. I find that recently, even with the paperwork, a lot of my time has been freed up. Certainly, I get invited to parties, but it’s not as though much happens at the castle anymore.” Her smile cracked wider. “I can’t help but think it might be fun just to… have a little excitement around the castle. Some which isn’t going to threaten to destroy all of Equestria.”
“Surely thou canst not mean what we thinkest thou desire.” Luna seemed to be pleading.
“Oh, maybe…” Princess Celestia looked away wistfully from her sister, her hair flowing in the draft that just picked up through the castle. “What do you think I’m thinking, Luna? Certainly it can’t be that bad.”
“We fear that thou plan to indulge this crippling rumor.” Luna frowned. “Thou art into the mischief of making what should have been gossip into reality.”
“Am I now?” Celestia bowed her head with a chuckle. “Well, I suppose it could be a little fun from the norm. What could be the harm, after all?”
“Sister, forgive us, we cannot tell thee whom thou shalt marry, but this seems most… peculiar.” Luna’s ears flattened against her head as she walked ahead of her sister down the hall. “We find this a most disturbing development. Why shouldst thou decide to wed now?” She turned to look at her sister. “And so suddenly? Is this a plan of revenge? A petty game, then?”
“Do I look like Discord to you?” Celestia narrowed her eyes. “I am not playing a game here. I am making a life decision.” She paused and shook her head. “What I meant is that I am considering this important to do right now. It’s great to have you back, never doubt that, but having you and Twilight and her friends in my life really made me realize that, well,” she shrugged and let out a long sigh, “I was awfully alone during those thousand years.”
“We see…” Luna paused and sat on the floor. She bit her lip as she thought quietly. After a moment, she lifted her head. “Forgive us, sister, we did not mean to soil thy prestige. However, thou must realize that this is… a most unusual thing to say the least. Certainly thou realize that thou art never alone in this world.”
“I know.” Celestia smiled warmly. “Forget what I mentioned. I did not mean for it to come out so darkly. I just meant that maybe I should, I don’t know, realize queenship after so long.”
Luna stayed quiet as she watched her sister. What could she really say? Polite or rude, this was a difficult question to answer. It was true that she and Celestia never seemed to age, but would that be a for always thing? Maybe being stuck on the moon had left the poor black-pelted sister somewhat juvenile in mind. Maybe this was just her being too drowsy to think straight and was imagining everything. Whatever the matter, the fact was, “We need rest. We cannot tell thee how thou shouldst live thy life, dear sister. All we ask is one simple question. Thou canst scarcely know his name, so why… why him? Why dost thou, a princess of Equestria, choose to take interest in a constallion who attempted to steal thy shoes in broad daylight? We cannot reason this.”
“Because,” Celestia replied simply, “he is perhaps the closest one to have shown interest in me without being an ‘oh princess, allow us to praise thee’ sort of fashion. Perhaps it is the fact that he likely does not care that I am a princess, or else he would have feared to take my shoes all the more.”
“Then it is reason enough,” Luna confessed as she walked passed her sister and towards her bed chamber. “We wish thou and thy love the best then.”
“Love?” Celestia chuckled warmly. “I never said anything about love.” She turned to realize that her sister was already gone. She sighed and turned away. It was tough being the day and sister to the night, mentor to the dusk, and of the position where only the most chaotically of minded ponies would approach her without withering at her sight. “What I need is companionship,” she told herself as she headed for the palace doors.
Exiting the castle, the guards stood at attention to the princess.
Princess Celestia bowed her head to set the soldiers at ease. “Guard, I will need a small protection party as I go out. I am athirst now.”
“But what is it that you want that you can’t get in the palace?” the sub-captain of the Equestrian Pegasus Guard asked, looking surprised at the princess’s actions.
Celestia smiled and simply uttered, “I am looking to get some new cider.”