//------------------------------// // 8: Boring forest is boring // Story: Honor the Dead // by BinaryTroll //------------------------------// Honor the Dead by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon Pre-read by Honored Service Chapter 8: “Boring forest is boring'” -------------- Joel POV Edward sailed over my head and landed in the river, dousing the fire I had made. I offered my hand to my friend and he took it, pulling himself out of the cold water. “Only you Wards, only you.” I said, smiling at the drenched assassin. “Want some fish?” I held out one of the now soaked fish under his nose. He promptly threw up in the river. My smile grew even bigger. Wardo hated fish with a burning passion. He pinched his nose and replied. “I'll stick with baked beans for now. You monster.” I laughed and took a bite out of the fish. “So, where'd you get the baked beans?” He began to walk back in the direction he had been flung from. “Dan.” He said simply, disappearing between the trees. He returned a moment later with a destroyed bike. Wrenching the storage compartment off the burnt husk, he opened it and took out a loaf of bread and a can of baked beans. “I'm gonna need a new bike.” Edward said, looking sadly at the dead machine. “No use crying over spilled milk. You can get another when we get back into the open.” “Quite.” he looked down. “Why is there a dead manticore here?” “I shot it.” “No shit. I mean why is it here, in this clearing. We didn't see one on our first journey through. Also, there's perfectly good manticore steak just waiting to be cooked here. I'm pretty sure we'll get sick of fish and beans.” “Go cook it then. I'm not stopping you.” He crouched by the corpse and pulled out his knives. I turned my gaze back to the fire, no sense ruining my appetite. I finished the third fish as the sun began to set. Edward sat down beside me, placing some rocks on the fire. We waited in a comfortable silence as the rocks heated. After a few minutes, Wards flipped the rocks onto some large leaves and placed the manticore steaks on them. He then wrapped them up in a leafy bundle and waited some more. “What am I doing?” The question was so quiet; I thought I had been imagining things. “I'm a monster in this world of peace, I kill for a living. I kill for enjoyment. I'm from a world with so many problems, myself being one of the greatest. People who take money to kill others.” he sighed. “And I've killed so many. I didn't even know them. Thousands dead by my hand. Many for no reason at all. What kind of fucked up being can enjoy this? Me.” A tear fell onto his burnt hand. “Penis.” He laughed. He laughed long and hard. Somehow I found myself joining in. “Well it's official, I'm insane.” “And immature.” “Hypocrite.” We began laughing again. Edward POV Joel got me out of my black mood with a single word. How does he do it? A smell pulled me away from my thoughts. Guess the steak was done. I removed the leaves from one of the bundles and cut one of the steaks in half. It was cooked through. “Excellent.” I pulled out the loaf of bread and placed the steak on a slice. I took out another slice and put it on top. Steak sandvich. I took a large bite out of the sandwich and let the taste hit. “Not bad. Bit different, but not bad at all.” I looked at the sandwich again and smiled. “Omnomnom. Nom. Nom. Nom.” I swallowed. “That vas delicious.” Joel facepalmed. “I should have seen that coming.” I said nothing and finished my meal. “We should probably get some sleep. I'd like to get to civilization at some point soon.” “Agreed.” I spread out my cloak and lay down. “Goodnight.” “'Night.” The morning after I was woken by the sun shining into my eyes. If sundown is about 6:00, and the sun is overhead. I just slept for eighteen hours. Three nights sleep equivalent. Despite all that, I still needed coffee. I rolled off my cloak onto the ground and slowly stood up. I checked my wounds, healed. My still asleep brain failed to notice the significance of that and I headed towards the storage of the bike. I pulled out the coffee and looked around for a mug. Finding none, I took out an empty can of beans and washed it in the river. I filled it up with water and placed it on the still hot coals of the fire so it would boil. “Sup Wards?” said a tired voice from behind me. I turned and waved slightly before resting my head on my arm. “Blarg.” I returned my gaze to the can of water and waited. A few seconds later Joel joined me. We stared at the can until it boiled. Who says a watched pot never boils? Although this is technically a can, not a pot. I lifted the can off the coals and put some coffee and a lot sugar into it. I stared at it for a second before dipping my finger in and swirling it around. Thank fuck for Jug and its pain resistance powers. I downed a quarter of the sweet coffee in one gulp and handed it to Joel. He took it and sipped it for a bit before handing it back. I gulped down the rest. We waited for the caffeine to hit. My eyes shot open. There it is. I rubbed the last of the sleep from my eyes and pulled on my cloak. I looked down at the sleeve. Many dark stains coated it, both old and new. Blood just didn't wash out. I look at a few of the stains more closely. Neither did coffee. I finished studying my sleeve and strapped on my many knives. Finally I lifted up the Famas. Still unused in Equestria, I hated using up ammo. I slung it across my back after inspecting the various holes that could get plugged by stray dirt, sand, or other. I looked over to Joel who was doing a more thorough investigation of his Glocks. He pulled out a small rag and cleaned all the bits and pieces before reassembling them. I walked over to the bike. “Hey Joel?” “Yeah?” “We only have one bike.” “I noticed.” “What about me?” “Sit behind me or vice versa. The thing is massive.” “But isn't th-” “Just get on the damn bike.” I got on and started the engine. “You coming?” Joel hopped on behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “This is so fucking weird.” I twisted the accelerator and we sped off towards what was hopefully civilization. Hours later “Why does nothing ever happen in this forest?” We'd been riding for around six hours with no attacks from angry monsters, no encounters with dragons, ponies or other sentient life, in fact, all that happened was we drove down a goddamn river, seeing the same trees, the same bushes and the same lack of anything interesting. The engine cut out and we came to a halt. “The most interesting thing that happens on this journey is that our main mode of transportation runs out of fuel. THIS IS SO BULLSHIT!” Joel winced and covered his ears. The royal Canterlot voice has nothing on me when I'm angry. “Volume.” “Yeah, sorry.” I tore off the storage compartment and the two blades. Might be useful later. I also pulled out some of the electrical wiring and braided it into cords to make a makeshift backpack with the storage compartment. “Good thinking.” “Thanks.” I slung it over my back and began to walk downriver. The walk continued uninterrupted for a few minutes until a growl came from behind me. “Finally.”I pulled out Luna and Celestia. “Some fun.” Joel leaned against a tree; he wasn't particularly interested in fighting right now it seemed. Maybe he was conserving ammo. The growl sounded again and three timber wolves stalked out of the forest, surrounding me. A dozen more eyes watched me from the trees. Nine in total. My knives wouldn't do shit against the bark of the wolves. Finally, a reason to use the Famas. I pulled out the gun and calmly switched to full auto fire, even while the wolves were still circling me. I took aim and squeezed the trigger. Ratatatatatatatatatatat The wolves bodies jerked as the powerful rounds punched through their skin. I spun a full circle. Within a second, all the wolves were dead, sap splattering the ground. “Find some easier prey next time.” I said, aiming the gun into the trees. The timber wolves weren't stupid. The remaining eyes disappeared, their owners running off with their tails between their legs. “I thought you'd kill them too.” Joel commented, looking at the trees where the wolves had come from. “Nah. Can't eat trees.” “It's all about food with you, isn't it?” “Not always, it's sometimes about drink.” Joel facepalmed. “Whatever. Let’s just go.” “My thoughts exactly.” We set off on the long trek to some form of civilization. Nightfall “Oh it rained all night, the day I left. The weather, it was dry. It was so warm, I froze to death. Susanna, don't you cry. Oooh Susanna don't you-” “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Joel rarely resorted to profanity. My singing must be worse than I thought. “You mad?” “Yes. I mad.” I stayed silent. I didn't want to test the limits of my pain resistance. Sighing, I pulled on my headphones and put on some music. Gypsy Bard . One of my favorites, I just couldn't help myself. “Oh, when you're rife with devastation, there's a simple explanation. You're a toy maker’s creation trapped inside a crystal ball. And whichever way he tilts it, know that we will stay resilient. We won't let them break our spirits as we sing our silly song.” “When I was a little filly, a galloping blaze overtook my city. So they shipped me off to the orphanage, said ditch those roots if you wanna fit in. So I dug one-thousand hole, and cut a rug with orphan foals. Now their faces are blurred and the memories obscured but I still know the words to this song.” “When you've bungled all your bangles and your loved ones have been mangled, listen to the jingle jangle of my gypsy tambourine. Cause these chords a hypnotizing, and the whole world harmonizing, so please children stop your crying and just sing along with me.” I pulled my headphones off. I could still hear the music. That explained why Joel was singing. “That song is too catchy.” “You think that is catchy? You haven't heard smile smile smile.” “Actually, yes I have.” “Oh yeah. Sorry.” “Don't be. The song is amazing. Brony or not.” “Indeed.” I properly connected my headphones and started up another song. Assassin creed. I now have the strange urge to jump off buildings into hay bales. Shame neither of those are nearby. In fact, hay bales may not exist at all. Hay is a primary food source for ponies. I think. There are hay fries. According to fanfics. “ARRRRRRRGH.” I was killing my mind thinking again. Joel looked at me. “You right there?” “No” “Just making sure.” I was silent for a moment. “Hey Joel?” “Yeah?” “Shouldn't we have passed some form of civilization? Besides the one that was filled with undead shadow things.” “Why are you asking me? All I know is that pinkie breaks physics, poison joke sucks, and prince Blueblood deserves to die a horrible, painful death. And some other stuff. Like this is a diarchy and is ruled by princesses, not queens, who may or may not be goddesses. And rule 34 should die in a fire.” “Rule 34 is anything. Not just ponies.” “That’s the one thing you comment on?” “That's the one thing you got wrong. Ahem. Rule #34: If it exists, there's porn of it.” “Ponies are just popular for some reason.” “How do you even know that?” “The internet is a strange and scary place.” “No shit.”